I keep wondering what gave me these feelings

Is it the fact that you’re so forbidden?
That all these emotions need to stay hidden

I want access to all the secrets in your heart
I crave to know your past and everything what tears you apart

I think with my heart and not with my head,
I’m falling apart I’m missing your breath

First, I thought it was the numbness from drinking too much
But after came a terribly urge to be close to you, to touch

And maybe I’m sick and tired of how you make everything feel right
And maybe I just couldn’t help myself when you looked at me,
that way, that night

Cause even in a crowded room all I can do is stare at you
And it makes me feel stupid, you don’t have a clue

It was summer when you walked into the garden that day
And every part of my body wished you weren’t gay

Yesterday I fell in love with everything you are
The way you kiss me and your cute little face

I always wondered how it would be to be with you
But I never dreamed it could be anything like this

I love the way you look at me, like I'm the only thing that matters
I love the way how shameless your love is for me

You make me feel young and reckless and alive
You make me feel like I can never be too much

The world is a happier place because of you
My heart is happier because of you

And I don't think I can ever get enough of you
In every way possible you make me feel so at home

I can tell you everything, my fears, my secrets, my life
I've never had something this naked and honest

Yesterday you told me about these little butterflies
And maybe I fell in love with you too or maybe I already was

I sleep with a bible in my bed
So I can talk with god about everything I regret

She made me realise there was never too much of me
Maybe there was just too little of you and we couldn’t compare

I sleep with a bible in my bed
Just to keep your demons out

Because you filled my mind with dark thoughts
that sometimes made me think, wanting to die was okay

I like to miss you on Sunday nights
Because on Sunday nights everything feels less like a problem

On Sunday night I can picture us together walking on the beach
Being way too drunk, talking about everything important in life
You would make me laugh and I would kiss you on your cheeks

All these voices and then there was you
A beautiful silence in my world of chaos

Your crazy mind would make mine feel just like home
Maybe you always were like that but I just never noticed

I don’t think I can ever regret you,
You make me smile like no other,

I like to miss you everyday

I was *****
and you were not

nobody noticed
cause I smiled a lot

now the pain is killing me
my heart is falling apart

I could never trust or love again
how funny is that

Im so ashamed
and you are not

remember you called me worthless **** a lot

every time you called me that, it made me want to die
cause every part of you loving me felt like a ******* lie

thank you for ****** me.

It was you,
it was me,
it was the silence
underneath the stars
that understood
my heartbeat
and it's racing.
You told me nothing.
I believed everything.
In that moment
I found life.
In that moment
I found you.

Summer always was my trigger season
the time were always everything would change

my heart got broken more than once this year
every time you made me feel worthless another piece broke

this cruel summer
I have cried over everything that ever happened to us
I have died about everything that ever happend to me

I have learned how much my own happiness means to me
and that the happiness I always saw in us was dead

loving you was like selfharm,
I know how bad it was and still I could never leave

I needed you to leave first so I could see how much it changed me
the secret sharing stopped, you weren't my favourite person anymore

I wasn't my favourite person anymore

this summer everything changed
I've learned my first crush will be nothing than just a teenage crush
and that it's okay to cry over someone who isn't good for you

this summer I learned it's okay to feel totally ****** up
and that feeling like you are 16 again is totally fine

there is this new someone with beautiful rare eyes and an insanely beautiful smile who I can share my secrets with and be myself with

it's crazy how I can feel more loved and more special with you

you learned me
I am not too much and I deserve to be loved for everything that is me

Once in a while I let everything in
The pain from today, the hurt from yesterday
The pain from five years ago, the hurt from tomorrow

Life is hard when everything around you seems to be falling apart.

I want my daddy to stop dying
and I need my brother to start trying

I want my mother to be less depressed
and I need my brother to get dressed

I want to learn how to deal with my emotions
and I need you to stop me from getting the help I need

because while you were laughing, I was crying
and while you were making fun of me, I was dying

harming myself is the only way to escape this terrible reality.

Today I cut my ankle
just because I could.

It was a scream for you to love me;
something that you never would

too many secrets hidden in my head
too many secrets that stay in my bed

I love you, I hate you
oh I wish I was dead

your words are like knives
but the pain keeps me alive

my worst addiction, my lovely scars
everything breathing tears me apart.

we all have a reason to hate ourselves and I am my own reason.

I remember being little and crying myself to sleep every night
I remember being little and thinking I was just a waste of space

until there was a day I promised myself to never cry again about  
something that wasn't worth crying about, something like feelings

when I grew older I learned a lot of people hate them selves
it was normal to not define yourself as something beautiful

I remember being little and crying about the blood on my sheets
I remember being little and falling into this hole of never ending darkness

most of the time I would spend wondering why did you hate me?
why didn't you like me and why would you harm me in this way

I remember meeting this old man on the beach, he had this special gift
I remember him telling me all things about myself and about my life

the older man amazed me with the things he told me, a world opened
he told me I was the most beautiful yet saddest girl in my friend group

I remember making a promise to this stranger about not harming myself..
I remember not showing any emotion or tears while making this promise..

the beach was so magical that day, everything was just perfect that day
and I wish that today was like that day, a perfect day... but with you..

because I am crying now because after four months I broke that promise.

I could hypnotize you with my demonic eyes
and it still wouldn't be enough for you to love me

it was always you who made me laugh and question life
the birds weren't flying for the broken people yesterday
and sometimes being crazy was all what made me feel normal

you make me feel afraid but also make me feel myself
you make me wanna cut my veins and cry my eyes out

the devil itself was made of more beauty than I was
he gave me his eyes but I couldn't compete with his soul

so maybe you were right to leave me standing there
or maybe I was wrong chasing you after you did left me

you were the light in my life but also my darkness

will tomorrow feel like yesterday if we do meet again today
it was like breathing but different, yesterday we felt more alive

these days you don't know how to act normally without your pills
and these are also the days you don't how to feel anything without them

maybe it was love last night maybe it was just another misunderstanding
the thing I know is that you made me feel uncomfortable in a good way

you thought I couldn't see how ****** up you were because it was dark
but my heart was just as dark and I could see right through you..

maybe it felt like being in love with someone you only just met
picking flowers in a field where everything was already dying of pain

oh yesterday was a special night, kind of broken yet a rare kind of magical

we didn't even kiss last night you just held my hand all night long
we had a great time and we laughed a lot and you were nice to me

and maybe that was love

I was living for the nights where I didn't cry myself to sleep
the days were my stomach wasn't filled with medication I didn't need

it was like you all stopped caring about me when my eyes went dark
you were afraid of me and I could understand why, I was afraid too

making fun of yourself in a non self harming way is one thing I couldn't
self harming in a way it was fun for the both of us, is what I always could

mama told you it was because of the friends you made outside
the truth is I don't have a clue about what she is talking, friends?

so there once was a girl and everyone thought she was special
a rare kind of special, you could look at her and forget all your misery

your daddy never loved you and thats why you are so ****** up
your family abandoned you and now you are here all alone, again

but don't you worry pretty thing, nobody will cry for you this time

always talking about trying to fix us, always talking, never actions

the people in her home town told her she was going to hell
and she always smiled because maybe hell is where she belonged

sick of hiding and always trying to fit into this messed up broken world
maybe this little thing was enough for her to go away for good..

because at this tiny magical moment where you stopped caring about me
so did I.

the angels ****** me up with their blue heavenly demon eyes
and still everything just seems more clear here on the other side

you were white and I was black, you were the sun and I the moon
most of the time we belonged to each other, we just never belonged

it was a game for the one's who wanted to play, you never wanted to play

love was like walking when there was no rain, walking in the sun
and leaving you was the hardest thing I ever did, until I did it

you never loved reading books the way I did, we were different
but again we always knew that we were not the same human being

this boy would consider himself smart when I could only see sadness
his broken dreams made me question my own broken little world

I wanted to escape for the summer, maybe for the rest of my life
living my life on the run, forever avoiding your killer green eyes

I could never swim in cold water and you were never here to teach me

maybe it was drugs maybe it was love maybe it was something else

I kissed you that day but I blame you for being gorgeous
everyone is addicted to something, you were mine addiction

the kids were a mess and everything was dark, a good kind of dark
I was cold but you always kissed me, even that forbidden night

nobody was patient and nobody was fine and nobody knew love
we were loving to each other when the others weren't watching

this love was bad, you were bad, I was bad, the world was bad
you could turn an angel into a demon without even trying

and I saw you staring at me again that night, I notice everything you do
it was the same look again and I couldn't do anything to handle myself

maybe I hugged you and it was wrong of me to do that
maybe you kissed me on that midnight street and it felt right

this fairytale isn't finished yet and everything will end up destroyed

so maybe it was the drugs or maybe this is all made up in my head.

maybe it was spring maybe it was winter maybe Im too wasted
what I do remember is that you loved me and that we always kissed

whenever you made me feel sad you always cheered me up again
you gave me your warmth and your strength to conquer the world
it just never made any kind of sense to me, why was this person so nice

was there anyway in this cruel world that I deserved to be happy
you never showed me that though, but you made me feel things again

I mean my life was a mess when I met you and I was a mess and you were
but it never seemed to bother you because you saw the light in me..
something not many people do for me for I don't know what reasons

you don't want to become like your demons, no one does
but still you become like your demons, everyday a little bit more

it were the days for raining tears and broken barbie dolls
boys who broke my heart and I could laugh about it

maybe I wrote this wasted maybe I wrote this sober.

I could swallow a pill to take away the poison, I could do it all
my heart was beating for the people who didn't have one

dancing in a crowded room with all kind of different people, wonderful
drinking to much alcohol and you knew this was going to be the night

he never loved her in the way she loved him or he just never showed it
either you want me or you don't, just know that I am going tomorrow

she was leaving to a place were nobody would know her name, no one
somewhere were she could find peace and happiness with another human

after I told you to leave, you didn't even try to stay in my life, you left
my door was open, my heart was open and there you went, like the wind

the flowers kept growing just as the distance between us, the distance
once we were close, we couldn't be apart, that was a long time ago

he loved reading novels and so did she, they were the same yet weren't
they weren't the same but maybe they wanted to be the same ..

he loved reading novels and she pretended that her life was one...
but he always was a little bit broken, a little lost, he could never save her

heroes don't belong in a world were everything is perfect.

never tell your stories, the adventures you lived
to someone who doesn't bother to listen to them

he never wanted to steal my freedom or to make me mad
we were both obsessed with the kind of love me had

I couldn't stop staring at the pictures me made last night
how your heart skipped a beat when I touched your bare skin

it was like reliving all the things we lost in the cold ground of hell
the mermaids were done singing their songs when we met that day

true love was like walking in a forest were no trees were growing
finding my soulmate was like the moon waiting for the sun to rise again

everything was the same and everything was not the same

the little things that I adored about you were kind of fading, gone
it was the way you said my name what made me fell for you back then

but now your voice doesn't sound the same anymore..

everyone was in love with when you didn't even love yourself

cause you are now eighteen and drink a little less than you did before
everything what once happened in your life still ***** you up every day
but you found other ways too deal with it, you found the peace within

cause you are now eighteen and still sleep with stuffed animals in bed
and sometimes the scars on your arms take you back into the past..
you can see yourself laying on the ground again, bruised and broken..

growing older was like looking in the mirror but than looking deeper
your hair went from blonde to black, your freckles were fading..
but you still looked beautiful, she always looked wonderful, dramatic

she always was the laugh of the party, she was crazy, she was fearless
and all that you could see of her was only the half of what she really was

when it was cold outside no angel was going to spread his wings
in darkness it was just you and me and no one who would save us
I missed the little talks we always had on our way home, back to you

everyone was in love with her and she was the only one who didn't see it.

I can drown myself in new music and relive my memories
sometimes I write a lot and sometimes I need to get away

you thought you got away with ****** but everything was on tape
it was like painting numbers on a white pale wall, something clean

humans don't go look for danger, danger will find them where needed
you never waited for me to get my **** together, you said you hated me

it were the bad things I only could remember about you, all the bad

and all the lonely boys fell for the girl who was now a thing called pretty
and all the popular boys didn't fell for the same girl back in those days

Mondays always came with rain and Friday always left with a smile
the moments you lived for were minimal, it were only the weekends

I remember how lonely you felt, missing the people around you
the voices in your head became your new home, they were your friends
sometimes they come back, just to say a simple hello...

it was all about living for someone that never take a breath for you.

im laying on your bed, still wearing your used sweater
singing songs again and loving my life like I did before I met you

the storm was over and I could go back to that one place I loved most
the ocean was waiting for me, I could feel the wind in my face

my hair never grow long again and my legs never got skinny
and I was okay with that, I was okay with myself, everything was okay

the drugs did its job last night, you kissed me on the dance floor
and you always thought my jokes were serious and you always loved me

the alcohol did its job last night, you walked me home after all
and you always smiled at me and you always loved me for who I was

but still one day you stopped sending me flowers, you needed space
either you want me or you don't, I need to know about our future

I can't read you like I can read the stars in the sky, the rain, the sun
my heart knows when I should walk away, that moment is now.

Im done feeling like a stranger to myself.

I was a mess and you just walked away, leaving me for nothing
I still could write a thousand stories about that one night, you left

without your tears I don't have inspiration to write like this
because I know you cried too when I said my last goodbye..

and when she was alone in her room with all the lights out
she started to believe that all the good was happening somewhere else

the angels were done saving you when you stopped singing your prayers
god still loved you, he loves everyone but you were something special
she could not be saved anymore, it was done, she was gone, dark, out

her nails were painted black, her eyes were painted black
the color in her life was fading away, the color left when you did

now she's wearing a smile that nobody believes in

you need to learn when the party is over little girl, put the bottle away.
save your tragic stories for somebody who cares because he doesn't

we never were friends because we never tried to be friends.
it is really not that bad, I hope this makes you sad.

dear diary,

I know I havent wrote to you for a long time
but you have to understand a lot happened in my life

sometimes I feel bad because I know some people have it worse
but does that mean I can't feel like a worthless *******?

to be honest I don't know what to think or feel anymore
maybe I stopped writing because I felt like I was annoying
if I am annoying I'm sorry

last week I made a new friend, his name is Delorian
the truth is he doen't exist I made him up, but I act like he does, breath
just to feel less lonely, I need someone to be an outcast just like me
I can see and feel him though

does that make me weird?

last night I had a dream about him, he was very nice to me

thanks for listening, as always

you stopped loving yourself when they started loving you

it was the moment all the people around you opened their eyes
that you decided to keep them close, you kept pretending, you kept hope

Jersey just got colder when you packed your bags and left me for dead
I was crying in the hallway begging you to spend another day with me
but you said you never wanted to see my blue eyes again, and you went

it was like the world stopped turning that second you looked at me
the people on earth stopped breathing at that moment you said goodbye

my heart couldn't stop screaming, my lungs were getting out of air
talking is cheap and your talks were expensive, I had to pay it all..

you always wore a necklace with my name on it, you always were happy
I took away that smile when I came into your life, like the dark night sky

a day after the day you left, my life felt miserable yet wonderful

I could hear the broken kids whispering my name while riding my bike
they would call me things like hopeless and sad, cruel and ugly

but he never seemed to care about the whispers,
because I didn't loved him anyway.

I always could care less about my own feelings as long as you are okay

you are my favorite human being because you make me feel complete
because she was the only one who didn't see me as a crazy psychopath

and I thought she was so beautiful with her green eyes and white scars
it was the kind of beauty not a single soul could ever describe.

this girl was the light in my world and yeah she kinda saved my life
all the demons were gone whenever she was near me, she was my angel

the way you talk about your passion for guitars and your favorite bands
I love you for the way you speak about life and our future together..

and would never ever dare to let you go my darling, you are mine

you are so insanely sweet and so insanely beautiful, you cant even see it
I love you for everything that you are and everything you want to be

this cant be healthy now how much I want to be with you, always

the children with the masks starting to count down from six to zero
nobody knew what was happening yet they all knew what was going on
it was a sick and twisted game and there was no price you could win

the night was falling and the counting stopped and so did her heart
the angels were done beating her to death and the demons were laughing
the children with the masks were still smiling everything went wrong..

you could run for your life and all the humans you needed to save
but they will catch you, they will hunt you down and break you break...

two wrongs no rights all the broken ones lost each other that night

I wrote this poem because you never did

you were my friend and I loved you for everything you were
the tears you cried because you were insecure, not beautiful enough
the smiles you smiled because you could even enjoy the little things in life
the fights we had because we were always oh so stubborn..

we always found a way back to each other, that was our friendship
it was like a mountain and believe me at one point we did reach the top
but also at that point we were starting to fall down and we fell hard..

you were the one who always cared about me even when I didn't
but you also were the one who always was jealous at the things I had
most times because of me you never felt good enough that must hurt..
and I know I made some bad decisions and you didn't deserve my choices

but I wont ever forgive you for stabbing me, our friendship in the back
for leaving me when I needed you the most all because you were scared

she always was afraid, never had the guts to chase her own dreams
always lived up to the expectations from her mother, she was weak

you dropped out of school and started to gain weight, we could see
we drank more alcohol and let go of the stress and anger we felt..

both we had ways to deal with our problems, this was the end my dear

and I can still see you dancing in my room singing all the lyrics wrong
and I can still see you laying down in the grass counting the stars
and I can still hear you say how you would never leave me alone....

so this friendship was broken and so was a piece of my heart...
I hate you believe me I do but still you have my favorite memories..

the begin of a new year is coming sooner than we expected

everything will be different this time, a new and fresh begin
more demons to fight with and rare love to discover..

many rules to break and bend and new changes to take
old friendships will become new ones and some of them will just fade
more people will die this year and the end of the world is coming sooner
tears will fall and so will heaven, the angels and maybe even god..

it will be a year of grace, a princess will be born out of the ashes
she will rule the world with an honest heart and a bottle of cheap *****

this girl will be begging her loved one to stay with her this year
the moon would be crying without the love in the dark stars and nights

everything is new and everything is old everything is everything

the emotions were gone and so was the will to write magic.

people die because people die people die because people die
I wanted to die because I needed to die, I wanted to die
god was calling or was it the devil I could never remember

out of all the humans I have met in my life I thought you would..
I honestly thought that you would understand me and my feelings
but maybe I was wrong.. maybe another person than you cant ever do

you have never seen me mad or sad, you have never seen me cry
you never saw me standing on the edge of killing myself, wanting...
and that's okay because with you I wasn't that kind of girl

it was a part of my dark past, drinking and hurting myself, the pain
it were the things I lived for, kissing boys and dancing with my girls

we lived for sadness and we were never sober.. well almost never
the days were counting and my veins were running out of empty spots

music was my savior once and so was this amazing girl..
I lived for her and she lived for me...

and that's the way it always was
and the way it always should be..

It took a long time for me to sell my heart to an angel
because I adored playing these games with my demons

she always laughed like everything in her life was broken
and I know it looked that way because everything was, broken

I never told her that I loved her, that she made my sky turn blue
well I did but only with words, without feeling any sort of emotions
it was a never a mistake I made, loving this girl, pouring my heart out

she always made me wonder how life would be without her
if I, human being, could live without her, another human being

loving you was like loving seasons, somtimes more than another
and it never was my intention to leave you all alone back there..
and it never will be my intention to hurt your feelings ever again

but you were you and I always was and always will be me
lovers, friends, strangers, neighbours, legends... I dont know

a love that never was made to rule in this bitter sweet lonely world
because I loved drinking away my feelings more than being just friends.

they always laughed at me because I loved him
without realizing he's the reason Im alive today..

when I woke up this morning something felt different
the sun was shining again and my scars were fading from my skin

in the music he wrote for me he made a lot of promisses, he would keep
being there for me when the stars weren't around, the light was out again
save me from myself, making me stop running and start laughing, smiling

I shouldn't write poems about you and the way you make me feel, always
those feelings aren't real and you are not even in my life, not anymore

I always loved you like the little kids loved their mothers, faithfull

but the point of leaving was never coming back not playing games
and I knew you always loved me I could see it in your pretty eyes

my feelings were real from the beginning and you decided to end it

do you remember the color of the dress I was wearing when we met
do you remember the feeling of my heart when it first met yours

these love wasn't made for someone like me, I am not strong enough
what a feeling to be right here without you now..

I write poems my dear not emotions.

you were playing with my heart like the devil himself
the way I was playing with my blades like the devil herself

you were sipping the blood from my veins, taking away my soul
the way I was sipping alcohol from the bottom of my glass..

empty bottels tell stories about young girls with broken hearts
the newspaper told me you were dead, you overdosed, killed yourself
it was hard to realise what she did, dying, and what was the reason..

was she so sad she just needed to do it, cutting her veins, letting it go
were the voices in her head screaming so loud, she snapped, she died
or was this her only solution to find peace within herself again...

it weren't the voices killing her, it were't the voices inside her head
the thing that was killing her was everything that wasn't even close

she missed the touch of you, your beautiful smile and wonderful eyes
the feeling of being missed when she wasn't around, the feeling of life

the demons never loved humans with goldenhearts
and that's why they always fell for me.

you just write about *** and killing yourself, taking drugs and alcohol
and how hardly you ever went to school, how your soul felt like dying

she fell in love with all the badboys and died having her heart broken
it wasn't easy living for another person, someone who didn't even care
my dreams weren't about you when I was dreaming, I found my peace

she wrote about all the bad things and how she fell in love with you
the way she felt when she first saw you and what sort of music was on
it was the time of old rock songs and soul music from the deep oceans

and maybe I should write more poems about the way I see this girl
how beautiful she is and how much I love her, how much she means..

you were laughing because you loved your life and everyone in it
I was crying because I hated my life and every single human in it

but still you were the one who kept me breathing, wanted to live

she had blue hair like the skies an open mind and hell black converse
she walked the streets like they were hers, she was the queen of dark

even the creatures that were hidden in the forest were afraid of this
the saddness always came in waves not in oceans this was a new thing

and even after a while you say you still love me, you are still in love
after everything I said to you and the tears you have cried, you still
it is hard for me to say I even missed or thought about you, I didn't

love was never easy and you didn't understand the game I was playing

you drowned yourself in XTC because you wanted to stay alive
at night time your veins were filled with whiskey instead of red blood
it were your so called friends that pushed you into doing this dumb ****

you were afraid of the people around you so she pushed them all away
she locked herself in her room listening to her own voice falling appart
until this girl was big enough she had to deal with this every single day
never she had seen the sea and it's beautiful reckless waves, the birds..

and maybe I shouldn't have cried tonight, shouldn't have hurt myself
found sadness and luck in other things than humans or humans...
your younger years have impact on your future but don't let them rule..

it were the nights we had too much to drink and we spilled our secrets
it were the days we cried our eyes out, hoping for someone who cared
we needed a reason to keep breathing, a less broken soul than ours
someone who could build us up, show us the stars in the rare universe

and I learned that day that broken people do laugh at funny stories
and that happy people do cry over all the sad things that happen in life

the world was falling appart that night and the demons were crying
the visions were playing in my head and there was no way back..

she was a cold hearted killer..

I think the writer in me died when I wrote this poem
gravity pulled me in, the galaxy was screaming my name
the stars were craving for my sparkle to shine next to them

my life was like a puzzle and there were so many pieces missing
in the search to find all of those pieces I didnt only lose soulmates..
I also lost the most valueable thing a human could have.. I lost myself..

I started to make a home out of all the places I have bin, empty places
the world was crumbling and I needed to get away from here, soon

but you always were the one who was keeping me here, save and calm
this human was the reason of my breathing the reason my heart beated
it was not right to live like this, it was wrong to live like this, wrong

and I never was a person who would wait for the storm to pass
I loved dancing in the rain with my demons right beside me..

the passion for painting faded just  like your picture was fading ..

you are lonely when you can hear the voices in your mind speak
when you can see the walls in your bedroom coming closer

the writngs in your diary stopped the day your mother died
it was on a beautiful sad thursday night and you couldnt stop crying

and you knew she went to far when she began to break infront of you
how the girl started to find peace in alcohol again, so much alcohol
cause baby here at the west coast we drink ***** the same as milk

after a while the sadness faded and so did the tears, the screaming
she was fierce like always, cold as ice but oh so beautiful, like stars
and nobody could ever compete to this girl and her dark evil twin

I loved you more than I hated the world, craved you more than ever
everytime you had to go was like a piece of starlight leaving the sky
this girl was dancing with devil and writing poetry with his minions

my world never revoled around loving things or loving phrases
my world always revoled around pills and alcohol around death
but everytime the end was coming.. I saw your face .. everytime

so if you were my demon and all of my dreams were haunted
I want to live in this endless nightmare forever and ever darling.

it was on a saturday night when I first saw you
a party filled with all kind of strange faces, friends and maybe enemies..

you told me I was special, a work of art with eyes that could tell a story
he wanted to know everything about me, it was scary yet warming..
what I adored in life and why, what made me cry, what made me smile

he wanted to know about the things I feared most, my demons, angels
the stories about how I always get way too drunk and the reasons why
the scars on my wrists and the tattoo on my back, like everything..

her darkness was bright like the moon and the stars in the sad sky
but she always shined like the sun, she was so full of life and beauty

it was just like the nights before, the music was smashing , it was loud
we had way too much alcohol in our veins more than was good for us
you were craving for my attention and there were moments I gave in..
he smiled this cheeky smile sweet but dangerous, my heart jumped
he was charming but oh so mysterious..

you were there in the club, in my mind and in my heart
and darling you looked so beautiful with the lights shining on you
and I was missing you so much even though you were next to me ..

I can hear your voice when Im laying in my bed, when its dark
oh baby I can hear your voice every where but I wanted his instead

I always heard you cry at night and I knew it always was because of me

maybe I do have a jet black heart.

some people think math is beautiful because it's the same in every country
I am not one of those people, the people who see beauty in everything

and I dont needed math to count the days since you have left me..
it were 129 days.. 3096 hours.. 23 minutes and 31 seconds.. since you left
maybe the nigths were harder since you've bin gone, longer and sadder

I wanted to go with you but you never allowed me, he needed his space
I don't believe in 'space' if you love someone you want that person near
he never found that necessary, he never found me necessary

but don't you feel sad for me please, after a while the pain faded away
I learned to deal with the fact he was better of without me..

the picture of his face just wouldnt leave my mind
and the need of wanting the chase him grow everyday..

I waited for days, months, I would wait for years, hours and minutes

waking up every morning still wearing his Iron maiden shirt..
only because I don't want him to leave my life, not for real, imagine

this boy was like a hero from the movies, a prince from the fairytales
a beautiful human being, so different, a melody that kept following me..
he always gave me the feeling of belonging of being worth existing
when I was with him the world was a bit more beautiful

that feeling when you dont even know what the ******* are feeling

I had that, always, whenever I was with him.

little do her parents know they lost their daughter years ago

in her sadness she started having nightmares, cruel thoughts
and confusing them with dreams, everything looked so real

maybe it were the pills she never dared to take or the liquor she drank
the constant need of hiding the fear of being left alone again like always
winter was coming and so was the depression, it scared her to death

everybody's got their demons either wide awake or dreaming
and somethings just need to be mine and mine only..
I always loved to have secrets little things, big things, mysterious things

but with you I felt like I could share anything, the small things, huge
hysterical laughter, feeling miserable and crying like somebody died

if I had the choice to **** myself tonight without hurting you..
I would probably have pulled the trigger a long time ago my darling

and let's be honest it isn't you that keeps me alive, it never was you..
you can't live for another human you have to live because you want too

and maybe I didn't die that night because god wanted me to have this
these memories, the tears and joy, the experience of growing up..

I always was his work of art

a black bracelet, it started with a black bracelet and so it will end.

we fell appart that night under the screaming of the oh so loud crowd
you because of the pills you ate, I because of the whiskey I drank
maybe this was the sign, it was supposed to happen that night..
a sign everything went wrong in our little heads, we were gone

it was that night you called me and telling me to leave
not only you wanted me to leave in spirit but also to leave your heart

she always was so beautiful with the light of the moon shining on her
I loved her like the childeren loved playing with broken dying dolls
and I hated her for wanting me to leave her ugly ****** up heart

it were real feelings, everything was so real..
the feeling of your lips on my cheeks, your hands on my waist
so please don't cry tonight or tomorrow, please be happy my dear
you are a thousand miles away but I still want you to feel like home
the birds aren't singing when you are so far away from me, crying

the ocean was dying and the waves were red from blood, tears.
the smoke in the sky started to form a mirror, I could see myself now.

a black bracelet is were it started, a black bracelet.

it were the dreams in which I was living that made me wanna die

the summer was ending and the cold of the winter was filling my veins
you were leaving my mind like the sun was leaving my dying fantasy..
I am getting older everyday and everyday I need a little bit more *****
running away with you, the person I adore most was all I ever wanted

and every night before I fall asleep I aks myself.. why don't you love me
why don't you have the need to touch me, to share your deepest secrets
you were mysterious like the moon, like the meaning of my tattoo's..

there always was a path of light were you have walked
the riddels you spoke, your angelic voice that haunts me everyday
but you also were dark my dear, dying and hopeless

it felt like flying everytime we kissed, I was happy, you made me happy
but I was fragile, a daughter of the dark, the keeper of sadness, demons
eleven years old when everything went wrong and it all is still wrong
the voices in my head would never let me out of this cage, trapped

september was coming and the clouds coverd my sight of happiness
it was a long way to find a way out of this dark and ****** up forest

and so she died at age seventeen, the graveyard never was this pretty
the stars of the heavens and their constellations didn't shine their light
there were flowers laying on the girl her grave, all grey, black, dying

it was the perfect night to share your tears with the world, so we did

it were the city nights I fell for, the cheap parfume you smelled like

if life was for the living and living was for the dead
than what is the space inbetween.. hate and love are not the same thing
and maybe a long time ago someone should have told me that

feeling like an outcast was like sitting in a train with no destination
you always felt useless, rain was falling that day, like it always did
the times when she was sad, she was so miserable, she felt nothing.

the childeren of the light always were afraid of the darkness
we were never afraid of the darkness because so far as we knew
we were the dark, the kids to be afraid of, the bad youth, the wolves

nobody ever wanted us and thats why all we ever had was each other
and the rockstars who sang along the broken words of songs with us
the tragic melodies were the only sort of comfort I found at night..
when you my bestfriend just as wasted as I am was sleeping..
I needed them, my idols, their voices, the music, to keep me breathing

and maybe we lost her that night for a reason wait no many reasons
it was all meant to be, the shouting and crying, the need to die..
it was a bigger part of our lives, all of that than she will ever be

the girls who had to much alcohol in their blood at night, to much fun
were also the girls who cried to many tears at daylight, to much sadness
we never knew how to handle ourselves, just seeking for aception..
a person who would give a **** about us, someone who would care

life was sad darling, you were so sad, I was so sad, everything was sad
but all the sadness never stopped us from having an amazing time
we needed each other to be happy, I needed you so much..

now it is just us again, you and me against the world
and I think it will always be just you and me, just us
and for me that is okay

because I wouldn't want to make all these memories, these adventures
with anybody else but you, my bestfriend, my sister, my everything.

I was never good at writing love poems untill I met you

we all have this one person you would do anything for, like anything
you could die for that other human without hesitation, without doubt

they know each other for almost a year now and a lot had changed
she fell in love with her that year and it killed you inside, everything
she wanted to give up on her so many times, it was so so hopless
and I knew, I knew you loved me, I knew you were in love with me

maybe she was just afraid to let someone in, to let someone love her
it was the darkness that was always haunting her, the demons inside
I remember the first time the razors kissed my veins, it was a thursday
I remember the blood and the crying, the shame and the crying, crying

it were the wodka and punk rock music the piercings and tattoos
the time of high wasted jeans and timberlands, red lipstick and eyeliner
the stories the kids told on the street were probably made up, fake
even the broken childeren needed a laugh once in a while, fake
nobody thought that we also deserved to be happy, just for once..

we could blame it on the internet or television, the time we live in
blame our parents for not loving us the way they should love us
the pills we ate every night just to find a way to escape this **** hole

this girl always made feel a little bit more alive but now she's gone
she's gone and I know she is coming back soon but she feels gone
like that part of me that was made for her is gone, I feel alone again
music is filling the hole what is left crying in my heart, my soul

and if I begged you would you stop this, the feeling of loneliness
can you stop me from hurting myself, stop me from being worthless
happy endings are made for happy people, I am not getting one, ever

I always was a sucker for attention and cheap love, dont blame me

love poems aren't a thing for me.

the lights went off and the music began to play louder
there was alcohol everywhere and the feeling of living faded
being numb was the only thing every single teenager was craving for

and if I said I would miss you I would be lying
and if I told you the truth oh girl you would be dying

this love was special, this love was rare, not like the other summer
it seemed to good to be true and I started to realize I didn't deserve
your kisses, your hugs, the way you held my hand while walking

playing games with the hearts of the people I love most, it was wrong
dancing in the dark with demons, the devil was calling my name, love
I never was afraid of the things normal people would be afraid of, never

it was on a sunday when I realized this had to stop sooner or later
you were way too precious to let a broken soul ruin your beautiful heart
it was the way she looked at me at night when the moon was full, bright
it made me question everything I ever believed in, was it worth it all.

remember that night when we were dancing darling, drunk and happy
I want you to remember those nights when I am leaving tomorrow
the sun is calling my name, the adventure of the unknown, I want it
I need to get out of this city, this life and this world, Im going crazy

depression was a thing no one did and no one will ever understand
and that is okay we don't need to know everything, but let me be
I need to deal with this emotions my own way, the darkness, demons

believe me there is going to be a day I will free from all of this ..
but this is not my time yet, let me be sad and angry and misunderstood

most teenagers just need a hug..
I need an escape.

It was everything this girl ever wanted but nothing what I needed

I always was something that nobody could have, a mistery
my smile was like the summer and my hart was the winter
and there were only a few people that could read my dark eyes

she never became one of those humans, she didn't understand
the way I didn't cry when I was sad or the way I did when I was happy

I was different from the other people not only because of my beauty
I seemed honest, I told everyone I was honest, nobody saw me lying
it were the little things in life that made me special, everything special

nobody could ever have me and that's what made them want me
and maybe it was selfish to think this way and maybe I am, selfish
the beauty of life, the adventures everything was calling my name

the way he looked at me that night and the way I smiled back at him
the full moon was shining bright with all the pretty stars next to her
it was the perfect night to make love, the alcohol, craving for each other

that moment you should have known that it was so so wrong
but you never blamed yourself because you are young and free
promises never meant a thing for you and maybe they never will
people let each other down all the time and true love doesn't excist

we are broken boys and girls looking for other broken boys and girls
life never was fair to us, our parents never were fair to us, nobody was

and maybe I should feel sorry for being the way I am today

maybe you defined love as a thing no one could have but you

everyday I felt a little bit more trapped and I longed for my freedom
last week I met a man he gave me back everything I was missing
the air was so thick when I was around you, I needed to breath, the air

she wrote poems about you the way I used to do, poems about love
she saw everything in you as beauty there was a time I saw it too
the way you made me laugh and cry, I wanted nothing but her

and maybe deep in my heart I knew it was wrong, it was all wrong
I was like this girl from the movies , a paper girl in a paper town
getting away from everything I started here was my only option

so maybe this is a goodbye to everyone or maybe a hello

the thing is maybe life hasn't a meaning and it's not all about being
being beautiful, being smart, being different, it's not about all of that

things have meanings but meanings dont always have things.

there once was a girl who was scary and sweet
her name was Mathilda, she was the voice in my head

she told me stories about demons and the dark
things that I needed to do before she would leave me alone

cut a little deeper, no one will care about your wounds
eat a little less, no one will notice when you lose some more weight
speak a little softer, no one wants to hear your voice cracking the air

her name was Mathilda and I used to be afraid of her
she would force the broken kids to commit suicide, death
but I know Mathilda was just lonely and needed a friend, like me

trapped by demons like the little girl in me, afraid and dying
angels sang me to sleep every night and I prayed they would save you
it was my dream that you would be free and we could be sisters, family

there always was this part of me that missed you when you were gone
I know you killed yourself years ago, that you were just like me
but darling everytime you visit me in the summer, the lovely days
I just can't handle seeing you go again, die like you did that winter

the pictures of you hanging with a rope on your neck, the blood
you always counted the scares on your wrist, they were ugly you said
I always thought they were beautiful, just like the way you smiled

you always were so so wonderful with your broken blue eyes

Dear Mathilda, my darling, I love you.

maybe she was cursed to live like this

feeling all alone and left out in a world filled with love and happiness
the angels won't hear you crying when you are locked up in the hell
they aren't there to save you once again because you ****** up again
or maybe this was all her own little stupid fault, her mistake, blame me

nights like this I shouldn't be drinking, not even one glass
it makes me think things I dont wanna think, do thing I dont wanna do
I shouldn't have taken this so far and maybe you were right in the end
doing the things I did never made my life any better it made it worse

she always thought wolves were the most beautiful creatures
they would cry there whole life for something they could never touch
the wolves always reminded her of when she was just a little girl
she always cried for attention, from anyone but she could never touch

and now 6 years later she is sitting on the ground thinking about
who she was back than and how far she have come
that she could live a beautiful life with this never ending curse
that she needed to accept that the sadness will always haunt her.

the demons made her strong and dark
but now its time to follow the river of light.

last night it was exactly a year ago it happend
there were sad words leaving my pencil, I wrote a letter
a letter to say goodbye to everyone who once loved me or didn't

I was dancing with the demons in my mind, it was good
I was singing songs with my shadows, songs with the broken ones
and the devil was watching me from a close distance

my socks were ***** and the ***** bottles were empty
I don't even remember what happend to me that night

all I wanted was to create art when I woke up that morning
drowing in pain and tears, I wanted to make a painting
a painting with sad colors, like grey and black and navy blue
a masterpiece filled with my blood, my pain, my empty emotions

it were the pills I swallowed that night to keep me from falling appart
it were the blades rushing over my veins that made me feel alive
all these lose things, all these things, the visions of monsters, the pain
all the tears I cried that night, the alcohol I drank to keep me calm

but still it was your beautiful smile that haunted me, killed me
your pretty eyes and wonderful angel face that made me wanna live
you were all I could think of from the moment we first met, forever

it was you and only you.