Once in a while I let everything in
The pain from today, the hurt from yesterday
The pain from five years ago, the hurt from tomorrow
Life is hard when everything around you seems to be falling apart.
I want my daddy to stop dying
and I need my brother to start trying
I want my mother to be less depressed
and I need my brother to get dressed
I want to learn how to deal with my emotions
and I need you to stop me from getting the help I need
because while you were laughing, I was crying
and while you were making fun of me, I was dying
harming myself is the only way to escape this terrible reality.
rambles and ****** poems. not back but back.
Today I cut my ankle
just because I could.
It was a scream for you to love me;
something that you never would
too many secrets hidden in my head
too many secrets that stay in my bed
I love you, I hate you
oh I wish I was dead
your words are like knives
but the pain keeps me alive
my worst addiction, my lovely scars
everything breathing tears me apart.
something I wrote a long time ago..
we all have a reason to hate ourselves and I am my own reason.
I remember being little and crying myself to sleep every night
I remember being little and thinking I was just a waste of space
until there was a day I promised myself to never cry again about
something that wasn't worth crying about, something like feelings
when I grew older I learned a lot of people hate them selves
it was normal to not define yourself as something beautiful
I remember being little and crying about the blood on my sheets
I remember being little and falling into this hole of never ending darkness
most of the time I would spend wondering why did you hate me?
why didn't you like me and why would you harm me in this way
I remember meeting this old man on the beach, he had this special gift
I remember him telling me all things about myself and about my life
the older man amazed me with the things he told me, a world opened
he told me I was the most beautiful yet saddest girl in my friend group
I remember making a promise to this stranger about not harming myself..
I remember not showing any emotion or tears while making this promise..
the beach was so magical that day, everything was just perfect that day
and I wish that today was like that day, a perfect day... but with you..
because I am crying now because after four months I broke that promise.
when you are a mess.
I could hypnotize you with my demonic eyes
and it still wouldn't be enough for you to love me
it was always you who made me laugh and question life
the birds weren't flying for the broken people yesterday
and sometimes being crazy was all what made me feel normal
you make me feel afraid but also make me feel myself
you make me wanna cut my veins and cry my eyes out
the devil itself was made of more beauty than I was
he gave me his eyes but I couldn't compete with his soul
so maybe you were right to leave me standing there
or maybe I was wrong chasing you after you did left me
you were the light in my life but also my darkness
not back just back
will tomorrow feel like yesterday if we do meet again today
it was like breathing but different, yesterday we felt more alive
these days you don't know how to act normally without your pills
and these are also the days you don't how to feel anything without them
maybe it was love last night maybe it was just another misunderstanding
the thing I know is that you made me feel uncomfortable in a good way
you thought I couldn't see how ****** up you were because it was dark
but my heart was just as dark and I could see right through you..
maybe it felt like being in love with someone you only just met
picking flowers in a field where everything was already dying of pain
oh yesterday was a special night, kind of broken yet a rare kind of magical
we didn't even kiss last night you just held my hand all night long
we had a great time and we laughed a lot and you were nice to me
and maybe that was love
hiii feelings I can not give a place.
I was living for the nights where I didn't cry myself to sleep
the days were my stomach wasn't filled with medication I didn't need
it was like you all stopped caring about me when my eyes went dark
you were afraid of me and I could understand why, I was afraid too
making fun of yourself in a non self harming way is one thing I couldn't
self harming in a way it was fun for the both of us, is what I always could
mama told you it was because of the friends you made outside
the truth is I don't have a clue about what she is talking, friends?
so there once was a girl and everyone thought she was special
a rare kind of special, you could look at her and forget all your misery
your daddy never loved you and thats why you are so ****** up
your family abandoned you and now you are here all alone, again
but don't you worry pretty thing, nobody will cry for you this time
always talking about trying to fix us, always talking, never actions
the people in her home town told her she was going to hell
and she always smiled because maybe hell is where she belonged
sick of hiding and always trying to fit into this messed up broken world
maybe this little thing was enough for her to go away for good..
because at this tiny magical moment where you stopped caring about me
so did I.
I dont write when I feel happy, expect a lot of writings from now on.