I knew it would not last forever
But the future was unseen
Watched it slip out of our grasp
Before we could intervene

Season after season is passing
Golden transforms to white
Misty mornings exchanged for snow
While I wait to feel alright

Rose up through the ashes
But my heart's still burned and charred
And fear has formed an armor around
Every place it has been scarred

I search for symbols on my body
Yearn for meaning to be revealed
To understand length of our relationship
Yet answers all remain concealed

Shoulder the weight of rejection
Through time though tough to carry
Heaviness a consistent warning
That of intimacy to be wary

Like a little alarm silently blaring
Begging me to stay alone
Prioritizing safety over company
Love is hell unlike anything I've ever known

Portal straight to madness
No one is exempt
So if you want your sanity intact
Don't bother making an attempt

Desire turns willpower to vapor
As you steadily lose control
Until you cannot function in their absence
Need their affection to even feel whole

But when the flashes of electricity
Vanish from your partner's skin
But for you are stronger than ever
That's when the real torture begins

Color disappears from sight
The whole planet fading to grey
Happiness drained from all you touch
As you desperately clutch onto yesterday

Now waking up is a daunting task
Try to avoid facing reality
Solitude stings like a salted wound
Haunted by what we will never be

Then I stumble across your photo
For a moment don't feel so sad
As nostalgia rushes over me
I escape briefly into the love we once had

I close my eyes and block out the hurt
Memory tasting bittersweet
And when I finally open them
Feels like I'm falling to my feet

Desolation has become my home
Misery my only friend
I've learned the hard way caring is pain
So I swear I'll never care again

A sky of blue above
Miles of dirt below
A world of everything between
Beyond that?
I don't know

One foot in front of the other
I stumble through existence
When I began I never imagined
I would travel such a distance

Caring too much about the wrong things
Not enough about what I should
Mixed up from every angle
Feel bad but am told I'm good

Friends fade further from me
As the years steal memories
Moments indistinct and grey
Wishing I could make time freeze

Take me back to certainty
Before life got so off track
When the world was full of color
Instead of shades of black

Now depression is my ball and chain
Following wherever I go
Heavy and awkward to carry
Have no choice but move slow

It is easier to just stand still
Than to pull with all my might
So everything changes around me
While I waste away night after night

I see smiles on faces all around
But when I paint one to match
It just doesn't look the same
And it wills me to detach

Hope used to sit in the palm of my hand
Now I grab and it's not there
In it's place is a sticky substance
I've come to learn is despair

Fall apart over and over
Every time I manage to sew my seams
Doesn't take long for a stitch to break
And out pours joy in little streams

Until I am left deflated and empty
Wondering where I went wrong
I could conquer my misery
But I've found I'm not that strong

Wading through a sea of distress
Shore further with each crashing wave
So I carry on way over my head
Too deep for anyone else to save

Obstacles impossible to pass
Each time I try I end up falling on my ***
Is there point to all the madness I face?
I fear that is not the case
Those walls in my way keep getting higher
I'll run out of steam and my body will tire
Frightening shadows chase from behind
Manifested from darkest corners of my mind
Things worsen
I start losing my breath
If I cannot catch it I may be caught by death
You don't know how close you are to permanent sleep
Until feeling the icy fog into your senses creep
See hurdles in the distance as I move
But hindered by flaws I can't remove
When will I be ambitious enough to succeed?
See results for all these drops I bleed?
You have no clue
Hard I have strived
To thrive
Only managed to survive
Take burdens and try to throw them out
They won't let me live without
Your will only is as strong as your mind
Seems to giving up mine is hopelessly resigned
Eyes set on victory but will not stay trained
Halfway they already feel strained
Off course veer
Terrible navigation
Still carry on in vain due to obligation
Terrified of letting down dearest to my heart
Wishing for a way I could go back and restart
But life is not a movie you can pause and rewind
With control buttons was not designed
Goal after goal watch myself throw away
Promising I'll get my **** together someday

You think you save me but I'm too far gone
Long to be my Mr.Right but you are wrong
You want to dry flood of tears flowing from my eyes
Today you are the reason that I cry
Let me drown in the deep by myself
I'm too proud to accept your help
You say you adore but I can't ascertain
What is going on in your brain
I am flawed but I push my will
To improve though the climb is uphill
Be better for you
Who you deserve
In return do things to get on my nerves
It's not intentional but it doesn't matter
Selfishness causes thoughts to scatter
I thought my trust would be safe in your hands
You were someone who cares and understands
But proved my expectations to be a mirage
Suppose the real you was actually camouflaged
A creature so jealous skin is bright green
Arms so protective feel squished between
When cradling me I feel fragile and small
That's not who I am at all
I do not need anyone else to get by
Alone don't feel guilty for how I get high
I enjoy conversations and I crave your touch
But won't allow you to become my crutch
If we reach conflict this early on
Imagine how worse it will be further along
Dancing a thin line between freedom and forgiveness
Each time I make a decision
Second guess
My instinct screams
"Run!"
Fast as I can
My emotions whisper to stay where I am
In past judgement has led me to make the wrong choice
I'm not sure of the two which is the right voice
Deep down feel certain this will not work out
My irrational attraction fills me with doubt
I long to deliver a perfect paradise
In reality love is a roll of the dice
It's a gamble
I happen to have the worst luck
Regardless of odds
Relationship is ******
It is pointless to waste time and choose
Either way
Both kind of lose

Go crazier and crazier the longer you stay
Cry all night
Sleep half the day
You remain by side throughout the upheaval
You are capable of delivering me from evil
Something is not right between us
Cannot place my finger
On the imperfection
The air of frustration lingers
So I am caught in between your feelings and my own
Thoughts collide within
Creating cyclone
Moving in mind with force
Trail of mayhem in it's wake
Causing already hurting head to violently throb and ache
As I ponder what to do time tumbles out of my hands
My reflexes are too slow to catch before it lands
Clock is never on my side whether I turn left or right
No matter which way I examine
Predicament not black and white
Waiting for next error so I have a good excuse
The longer it takes the more I ask myself
"What is the use?"
You deserve to be with somebody equally devoted
Why the truth I'm telling you is not sugar-coated
I wish you would come to this conclusion without my aid
You are simply too optimistic I'm afraid
I hate doing this to you but I feel it is more fair
Being straightforward with you than to leave you unaware
Your heart may feel broken
It will only be for awhile
Promise that without me you'll again learn how to smile

I'm talking fast
Breathing slow
Exiled from life
Why you left do not know
Your absence stabs like a knife

Because too much time on my hands
Don't go to church or the bar
Stare at the wall trying to understand
How I have made it this far

It bugs me you are fine on your own
I am only half getting burned
Tell me to hit you up on your phone
My messages go unreturned

My tongue itches with irritation
Sentences I dare not say
Can't blame you for infuriation
I kissed you back that day

I suspected you'd never ring my cell
I'm wrapped around your finger
You put my heart through hell
Lasting loyalty lingers

Supportive of you no matter what
Liberated or in chains
Too deep down in this rut
To evict from my brain

All I know
I am tired
Yearning to rise above
Adoration has expired
Why can't my love?

I share my thoughts with you
The world's weight on my back
Romantic delusions spin
Afraid to face the facts

Staring you down as you frown
Gaze right to the bone
Will sing you a lullaby
It makes you feel less alone

And nothing fixes my brokenness
Will exaggerate my claims
It will make me feel better
About the monster I became

The dark days drag their feet
Weeks blur into one
Time my greatest weakness
Will suffering never be done?

Even more sorrowful than usual
Bitten by love
Now I'm shy
You give me hope for happiness
With glimmer in your eye

An old longing resurfaces
Came on strong and fast
Hit me low right where it hurts
Before dawn I brace for the blast

The only wind that shakes my walls
Is your voice saying my name
But the storms and danger that come with
Rage harder than a hurricane

Any dignity I own that remains
Is stripped clean from my bones
Back to bare essentials for life
With only one whiff of pheromones

Time passes by in a whirl
But my emotions the same
Devoted to you infinitely
Though strangers we became

The bright stars all wink
Moon staring down unblinking
The night sky's embrace

This jar is full of tears cried in vain and all for you
If you drowned in them you'd feel the way I do
Firm packed words and memories all you've left me with
The notion that everlasting love is just a myth
Taken handfuls of pills every morning and night
None of which bring me closer to feeling alright
And flung on wall are my remaining ***** to give
My lack of concern I'll ask you to forgive
They did not protest
I plucked them from my chest
Happy to be free from the bars in my breast
Replenishing what was surrendered
The air
That is the curse of being forced to care
The clothesline of ***** laundry hung to dry
In past would be reason to cry
Burdened with knowledge of the atrocity I am
Blessed I no longer give a ****

You know you are ******
When you are so deep in love
Cannot fall back out

I don't know how to say this
Do not want to break your heart
Want to be the person you wish I could be
We'd be better off apart

Where is this going?
Got to be able to tell
Noticing for awhile
Haven't been doing so well

I fought dozens of battles
Silently in mind
Kept them imprisoned
Less conflict confined

I should face problems
But I am a coward so I run
Hard to conquer an argument
You already believe you won

Maybe I am being harsh
I can only take so much
A relationship is supposed to be
More than people who touch

See sometimes feel a tingle
Think "this isn't so bad"
That itself means it is
To deny must be raving mad

The friction is obvious
Where do I draw the line?
I am stuck in an internal war
Between your emotions and mine

My hands might be lonely
When clasped something is amiss
As long as yours fills gaps between fingers
Nobody else can see if theirs fits

If being totally honest
Seems you don't really care about me
Tears drip out eyes all the time
You are too self-centered to see

Trying to build life back up
You are standing in my way
Making things harder than already are
Painting sky shades of grey

I am opening eyes to reality
Hope you do that too
We both need to stop lying to ourselves
We know it isn't true

I taste sorry on my tongue again
Taste regret on my lips
Obligation squeezes tighter
When you put arms around hips

Only now letting you know
How much feelings have changed
My head full of hope for a heavy heart Hung from noose was exchanged

I should have been forthcoming
Informed you was over as soon as I knew
I can't stand causing others pain
Why it took this long to say this to you

But sick of home not feeling like home
In own room feel out of place
You've transformed it to your own
Do not have a single private space

You are a tornado
In wake is a trail of destruction
Many flaws get in the way
About time I move obstruction

Your ego too big for me
To properly see around
In fact how do you even lift your head?
Must weigh a thousand pounds

Your conceited attitude more often than not
Provokes until seeing red
Arrogance unattractive
Try acting humble instead

I cannot picture a future with you
You are inconsiderate and dumb
No ambition or work ethic
Would rather be a ***

You take time with everything
Never met someone so slow
Put so much effort and see no results
Almost no progress to show

Without my aid what will you do?
How will you get high?
Depend on everybody else around you
If you desired you could get by

Lungs filled with poison
Bloodstream with *****
Need crutches to get through each day
Think these substances are helping
They really only get in the way

With only pride and standards
I will continue life in solitude
Better than being with someone who's naive
Not to mention selfish and rude

Consequences for actions
Finally caught up to where we are
Have tolerated a lot of *******
I've decided I'm raising the bar

My goal is to go further in my life
Than you plan to go
Hindering distance to travel
Making it challenging to grow

Soon you'll be left in the dust
Discovering I was right
Won't be able to use me as an excuse
For failure when I'm out of sight

You call me idiotic pet names
What I am in your contacts under is bold
McPoops?
Actually prefer "The *****"
What are you? Six years old?

How many occasions have you pouted?
Sulking because you disagreed
With words said or things done?
I gave no choice but concede

I have every right to be unhappy
How can you not understand why?
May not always be reason for tears
You sure do not help them dry

Are you center of universe?
That is how you act
Helping yourself to anything viewed
You are entitled and that is a fact

I do not know if you do it on purpose
You disrespect everyone here
Using stuff but not asking
To rules you do not adhere

The only person I have ever met
Who is even lazier than me
Make messes faster than you clean up
Cannot handle responsibility

Not to mention you can't keep track
Of any possession you own
Or that you failed to pay back majority
Of money you have been loaned

Your expensive eating habits
And cockiness get on nerves
Believe you are correct about every subject
Isolation what you deserve

You break trust without hesitation
Snitching on me like a rat
If I plead with you to keep a secret
You can't even follow through with that

You probably think we are being mean
That you are misunderstood
If that's true then tell me this
What have you done that's good?

You disassemble stuff like a tweaker
Not putting back in one piece
Have given you so many chances
Still the madness won't cease

It is an eternal struggle
To even get you to barely move
Just procrastinate your life away
After promising to improve

Rather live in solitude
Than with a theif who lies
Took two CATs of my dad's
You thought he would not realize?

And when telling you something
You do not want to hear
Pretend to agree with statement
Goes out the other ear

You have to get your priorities straight
It's clear you never will
How are you expecting to survive
Without ambition
Sapience
Skill?

You expect others to carry your load
Piggybacking much as you can
The behavior of a little boy
How dare you call yourself a man

But when affecting your wallet
You are stingy as they come
Generosity is not in your vocabulary
Unless receiving some

Then have the audacity
To judge the way I live
Degrading me because of choices
After the ****** up **** I forgive

At least I do not blame my dependency
For why I'm unable to function
Worse still you put fault for your addiction
On pharmaceutical corruption

I have met plenty of people
Fed prescriptions as a child
Medicated whole **** life
Their abilities are not defiled

You envision the world to your favor
Instead of how it is for real
Perception the problem here
Delusion rooted in privilege you feel

You have a lot of growing up to do
Wish I would have waited
Gotten to know who you really are
Now I wish we never dated