"i am an adult"
are the words that escape her tongue
sixteen, barely seven
she thinks she is an adult

still reaching the top shelf with her tippy toes
laughter loud
unhesitant
large
she thinks she is an adult

speaking about politics
social justice
her life
she thinks she is an adult

one day soon
the weight on her shoulders will heavy
feeling the responsibilities
eyes dim
soul tainted

she will realise she does not want to be an adult

am i in love with you
or am i in love with the idea of being in love with you

are you in love with me
or are you just in love with the attention i give you

do i love you
or do you just make me feel a little less alone
and i haven't felt "together" in a long time so i think i love you

do you love me
or do i just make you feel like you're worth something
and you crave my validation so you think you love me too

are we in love
do we love each other
do we want each other

or do we just need each other
to patch up the holes other people left behind

three hundred and sixty six
how do i describe the love i have held in my hands for this long
a love aimed toward he
whose presence is often intangible
but mere existence is invaluable

for the boy i love
here is my attempt

the love i have for him is like a daydream
i am fully aware yet unaware of it
it is a dream i choose to have
a moment i take to escape reality
and in these moments the world shines so brightly
though i may have to return

the love i have for him is like a maze
i willingly get lost in him
though i know the consequences
a labyrinth inside a labyrinth
he is an enigma i cannot figure out
i may not be able to escape from him
but maybe i don't want to

the love i have for him is an insolvable mystery
i know that i could sculpt every detail of his face out in clay
and i could write love letters filled with depths even the ocean would fear
and i could wish upon the wishing stars until the wishing starts burned out
and still i may not reach him
and yet, i love him anyway

the love i have for him is a pipe dream
i know we can never be
and yet i write these words of love dedicated to him
i tell stories about how much i love him, adore him
and i do
i love
and love
and love him

and i will love him forevermore.

don't gain weight, they say
do you want to look like a pig?
but it's ugly if you're too skinny,
no ***** and no ***, what are you so proud of?

society's standards, everchanging and everflowing
from the desireableness of being just bone and skin to having ******* and an ***
our society that can't decide what it wants
our society that thinks it can control what is perfect

perhaps i shouldn't conform to society's standards after all

the feelings i bear for you
feel like deja vu
perhaps we met once in a dream, for i feel
i've kissed these same lips
met these same eyes
held these same hands

have i lost you before and found you again?

he is the devil
and since we were children
we were taught to aim for heaven
but i would go to hell for him

‪he is the devil‬
‪dressed in an angel’s robes‬
‪sent down to lure the humans‬
‪away from the sacred path to heaven‬
‪and into the depths of hell‬
‪i know i shouldn’t stray‬
‪for God would forsake me‬
‪but for a moment‬
‪just for a second‬
‪i thought‬
‪i would let him drag me down into the fire‬
‪if it meant he would be with me‬

have you ever wondered
about the creatures that live above us
with cherry lips and wings as soft as the clouds in heaven
the ones made to serve God and only God

have you ever wondered what happened to the ones sent to earth?

not the ones who have fallen deep under
to the depths of hell and perhaps even farther
rather, the ones who have watched us for centuries
wondering what it was like to have the ability to love one other than the Almighty
i'd like to think angels reach a point where they are allowed the freedom of choice
to continue serving God
or to fall into the earth

and the angels who decided they would rather be with us
would they
live like us
cry like us
love like us?

do you think that they, too
experience the terrible feeling of heartbreak
as if a piece of paper being ripped to shreds
like their wings being torn apart
like their newly found heart being burned to ashes

wouldn't they regret it
leaving the hands of the Almighty
only to learn the disappointing reality of us humans  

do you think angels can die

you had cherry lips
pale skin
and a back that felt like it was made for wings

you were an angel
and oh, did i love you
as you did, me

until one day
perhaps the devil whispered to me
and i realised
i loved you no longer

do you think angels can die

for the look in your eyes was like the beginning of the end
like the chaos we imagine in hell
and your lips, they opened and did not make a sound
like you gave up your voice when you'd forsaken heaven for me

and your heart,
i could almost swear i heard it

do you think angels can die of heartbreak
do you think angels can die

do you think angels can

everything hurts
my head
my heart
my hands

my head hurts
for i cannot understand you
i do not understand
the reason for your tears
your anger
your sorrow
your resentment
towards me

my heart hurts
for i feel the consequences
of your pent up emotions
once bottled up
now exploded
onto me

my hands hurt
for i cannot reach out and touch you
not like i used to
not like you used to want me to

most of all
my eyes hurt
for you cannot look at me
in the eyes
not the same way
not like you love me

she is not good at poetry, she says
as she writes stories of love
from orion to scorpion
speaking in the language of the stars
as she tries to close the gap the universe has made between them

everlasting, ever so sweet
though unsure if they'll ever reach him
her tales of affection shall last
till the world's last breath

as a children we were taught
that boys were not supposed to "pretty"
they were supposed to be handsome,
manly as well as tough,
and a bit rough around the edges

as a children we were taught
that boys were not supposed to be "pretty"
but as you looked at me
glossy lips stained the color of cherries
and laughed as a child would

the sparkle in your eyes had never faded
a smile playing at your lips, you asked
"but i am pretty, aren't i?"

this is a contemplation
about he who i love oh,
so dearly

when he was created
i think the being we call God wanted to show off

why else would he (my beloved) seem to have been marinated with honey by an angel’s bottom
voice soft and angelic
eyes glistening
smile widening

how perfect could a human being be?
he must’ve been God’s favorite!

— that would explain how such a perfect human could walk on this very earth i do
and why he would never be mine

often written
is a condition
they call it
the “hanahaki” disease

the details are
that you shall fall in love
it shall be unrequited
and you shall cough up flowers
until you die

i had always wondered
why i never caught
the coughing flower disease

not that i
wanted to die, of course
it’s just

i thought my feelings for you
were stronger than any wind
wider than any land
deeper than any ocean
and my dear
it was a fact
that you did not love me back
not the way i thought
i wanted you to

time passed
and i came to realise
the reason my love for you
did not **** me
was not because it wasn’t strong enough

the reason i had not died
death my the flowers growing in my lungs
is because my love for you was not “real”
because you were not “real”
not really

you were an idol
on the other side of the screen
and no matter how much i supported you
adored you
loved you

we would never be anything more
than an idol
smiling for a living
and a fan
whose smile you saved

and deep in my heart
perhaps, that, i already knew

if i were to cough up flowers
stained with one-sided love
it would be a rose
made of plastic
not “real”
not really
but it would last forever

just like the love
between you
and me

if she was the heaven
you would go to hell for

then he was the hell
you convinced yourself was heaven

so, him or her?

how do you express love?
perhaps it is as easy as saying "thank you"

you promised me forever
apparently forever to you is
3 years
4 months
7 days
15 hours
6 minutes

next time someone tries to talk to me about forever
i'll ask
"how long is forever to you?"

one kiss away from killing
two away from an affair

i do not write much anymore about how much i appreciate you
for a long time perhaps i've forgotten to
or i've lost the words
but now i shall say once more
i love you

when the skies as well as my heart have greyed and the raindrops have fallen
your smile shines like the sun, bringing light into my life
when the nights are lonely and dark clouds rise in my mind
your laughter clears the fog  and opens a new way

no matter the time or place
rain or shine
i'll love you

no matter if worlds tear us apart as they always have
if our chances are slim and the heavens have dimmed
i'll always come back to you

“i’ve always felt
like i was searching for
some place
something
someone”

those were the words
that slipped from your
alcohol infested mouth
at 3 am
windows shut
lights off
just us two
and only i could hear

i could have ignored it
pretended i didn’t hear
as if i had
no idea
what you were saying

i tried
but i couldn’t ignore
the words that next came out
“i think i’ve found it with him”
— i wish you said you found it with me.

if someone were ever to
dim the light
to your bright smile
then come to me

for i will light a match
more than one
a thousand
a million
perhaps a trillion
to light the flame in your heart

i would even catch on fire
the mask covering my body burnt
my icicle infused heart melted
raging emotion set ablaze

it would not matter
because nothing matters more to me
than your happiness
for it was you
who rekindled the burning passion in me

i just wanted to reach you
and for i could not do it with my own two hands
perhaps with my mouth
with my pen
with my words, i will

— that is, if you’ll have me.

when people are in love
they often say
they simply fell
tripped over their own two feet
face forward
and into the arms of their beloved

i did more than simply fall
onto the ground of your love

you, for me
were an ocean
and i dived
headfirst
roughly
harshly
almost painfully
into the waters of “you”

i knew i could not swim
but i did so anyway
i was drowning
entangled in you
surrounded by this being of “you”
engulfed in this feeling of “you”

and i did not know what came over me
but i let myself drown
i did not try to swim back up
because if i went back to land,
releasing myself from your grasp
that would mean losing the feeling of “you”

and after
submerging into the depth
the love
the passion
of “you”

how could i ever leave?

to walk through oceans and fly through skies
those were only a small fraction of the things she would do
in order to gain the chance to meet him

as simple as getting the two of diamonds
as complicated as walking through an everlasting maze
were the odds ever in her favour?

no matter if they were or weren't
she'd persevere
if only for a glimpse, a possibility
of seeing his smile, his laugh, his love

for love, she'd give it all

i used to do it for the attention
the likes
the retweets
the comments
on my pictures
on my tweets
on my statuses
on me

they made me feel validated
safe
secure
accepted
“you are good” my brain translated
“they like you” it went ?on, “that’s good"

they made me feel like i
belonged
somewhere

until they didn’t.

until i felt
numb
in the head
the words didn’t mean anything
the attention wasn’t enough

until i
couldn’t look myself in the mirror
without hating who i was
who i
became?
who i
who i
who i
who am i?

who
am
i?

and so i was forced to realize
forced — for if i didn’t, i may have died
i forced myself
to stop
i forced myself
to come to the conclusion
other people’s words did not matter
they did not matter

for if i let them matter
then i may have broken
to the point
that i could not put myself back together

“they matter” my brain told me.
“no, they do not.” said my mouth. “they do not matter.”
“yes they do.”
“no they don’t.”
“they— ?”
“— don’t.”
“but — “
“they don’t.”
“th— “
“”they don’t matter.”
“you don’t believe— “
“whether or not i believe, they still do not matter.”
“they won’t accept you.”
“they don’t have to.”
“they won’t love you.”
“but i will."
“but — “

“they,” i said
to the ‘me’ in the mirror
slowly
surely
determinedly
“do not matter."

they did not matter they did not matter  they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter

for the only one that mattered
the only opinion that mattered
the only validation that mattered

was mine.

you loved "me"
but you did not really love "me"
you loved the idea of "me"
but the vision of "me" you had
was the same one
of a million other girls
even guys
in the crowd

— i was a diamond to you, but diamonds didn’t mean much when you were in a mine full of them.

yours
     glossy
           cherry red
                and ever so
                           enticing
                                      perhaps
          ­                                      could i
                                      invite them over
                   so they could lay
         ever so softly
on mine?

that boy is a devil's maze

he doesn't need to pull me in
for i willingly get lost in him,
though i know the consequences

a labyrinth inside a labyrinth
he is an enigma i cannot figure out

the twists and turns are one too many
i may not be able to escape from him

perhaps i don't want to

i will love you
even when the stars cease to exist
for they may dim and their lights may dwindle
but my love for you, my dear
it is as the sun that hides behind the moon
it will never falter
never fall
for like the sun for the moon
i will continue to shine behind you
so you can gleam brilliantly
dazzling all those in your path

our life is a story
plot unclear
path winding
so for a moment

would you stop walking by the passageway
and lay with me?

people are like footprints in the sand
while walking, while living on, we try to leave a mark on the earth
roughly, desperately, persistently we try.
only for our efforts to be mercilessly washed away by the waves of the ocean,
traces of our existence disappearing by the minute, the second

but we just don't give up, do we?
and so we make more footprints.

a prince
on a white horse
regal clothes
and admirers galore

you are but
a fantasy to me
something unreachable?
even worse
something simply unreal

i am stuck in the real world
and here i know
you will not come to save me
you do not have a crown
guards to protect you
or a kingdom to come home to

but little do you know
even when you have not come to me
you have saved me
again and again and again
with your voice
your smile
your story

you are the main character
of a fairytale
and although we are stuck
in different realities
you are still a prince
to me

she says
that he is her drug of choice
and i agree

he is a dangerous
illegal
life ruining drug

he gives her the high
and when she comes down from it
she falls so hard
and he withdraws himself
messes with her brain
ruins her mental state

but she's addicted to him
so even though
he beats her up
on the outside and in
she will
again
again
again
come crawling back to him

i met you at sunset
when the hour was golden
and i forgot that life was a burden
and all i could think about
was you

— and the next minute, you disappeared, for you were a being of the golden hour. no more, no less.

"do you know how it's been raining a lot lately?
it's because the sky is envious of you and me,"

those were the words you told me
for whenever we met, the sky cried
like a baby whose candy was taken away
the thunder would roll, and the clouds would grey
but you and i, we stayed the same

"the sky is jealous of us meeting"

but for why?
and you told me,
because it's lonely
it has no one to hold

i used to complain
that it would always rain
and so you told me,

"next time we meet, and the rain falls
you should ask the sky, why, are you jealous?

you should be.
because i have her.
and she has me."

the truth about happiness
is that is never lasts
not really

happiness is fleeting
like a balloon
after you’ve filled it up to fly
tied it and all
but the tie was loose
and so
eventually
it would fall

the oxygen escapes the balloon
like happiness escapes us
little by little
we become the least bit unhappier

when i fell in love with him
it was as if i received a balloon for a very first time
how happy he made me
gave me a high like no other
but again
the tie was loose
our happiness wouldn’t last forever

soon there was a day
where the euphoria wore off
the balloon left for the skies
and he followed
so i was left
to drown
in my own sadness
in the ocean
of my doubt

happiness is fleeting
quick
taken for granted
it feels like a once-in-a-lifetime thing
and you just missed it

but life waits for no one
so i kept walking
and there, i found you

and my dear,
i would find out
that you made the world a little less bleak
gave me a little hope
made me a little happy
when i did not think i could feel happiness again.

there were still days
where i fell back into the darkness
and my happiness dissapeared
but you stayed
and each time
you taught me a new form
of “happy”

and you told me
that to be really
truly
happy
more than loving you
i needed to love me

for if one day
you could not walk the same path as i
then my smile would not wither
like the flowers you gave me
or die out
like the love i gave in return
— and they did

so the truth about happiness
i was right the first time
it doesn’t last
not really
not with someone else

the only way to achieve “eternal happiness”
is to find that happiness
within yourself

wouldn’t it be nice if the world were so black and white
then we wouldn’t be riddled in grey mud
trying to figure out what is ultimately “right” or “wrong”
while knowing that (right or wrong) doesn’t exist
not really

our world is filled with
contradictions
lies and truths alike
deceits, some for the sake of loyalty

there is no simple “right” or “wrong”
everything is a little bit of both
whether one is more this than the other
depends on your storyteller, no?

this is not a love poem
not a "i love another person" poem
not a "you make my world go round" poem
not a "thank you for saving my life" poem

this is a poem
about all the things i have never found the courage to say
this is a poem dedicated
to me, myself, and i

to the me from six years ago,
it is alright to cry
you need no longer
dig the edges of your nails so deep into your skin that it leaves a mark
physical pain to erase the emotional pain
you need no longer think that way

to the me from five years ago
you're beautiful
even if they all make fun of you for the mark of beauty on your face
yell at you that you are terrible
one day soon you will realise you are extremely beautiful

to the me from three years ago
i wish i could have stopped you from dating boys you didn't like
or stopped you from liking boys who did not deserve your affection
your self worth isn't dependent on how many boys like you
it's alright to be alone for a while

to the me from two years ago
pay no mind to those who laugh at your body
at your clothes
or at what you choose to share
your life is yours
so is your body

to the me from one year ago
i wonder why you were so angry
i wish you could've realised it sooner
that all you needed was right there
in front of you

to the me today
i'm sorry i took this long to build up my courage
there's are thousands of things more that i want to say to you
but for now
i will settle for

i love you

but angel
i do not regret
a moment of it

so here’s to 300 days
7200 hours
and an uncountable amount of irreplaceable moments
may i adore you
for many many more

— and may you keep standing on the highest of stages
for that is where you shine the brightest

people go on and on and on
about the love they have for their boyfriend, fiancee, wife
thousands of books and tv shows alike
dedicated to what we deem to be the answer to everything

obviously if you have a significant other you must be happy right?
isn't your life all together? oh well, could be worse
you could be single
you could be alone

you could be

i do not understand
how people can write poems upon poems upon poems
talking about romance
two people
in love

how could they give so much of their affection,
their attention,
their love to other people

when i can't even find the courage to say the words
"i love myself"

perhaps love makes you blind
completely
utterly
unable to see

for if it doesn't
why couldn't i see
that he was hurting me
more than he was healing me
that he was ruining me
inside out

and i was letting him?

we humans have such a need to be loved
afraid of being
alone
abandoned
left for granted

and i am no different
i want to feel the rush
butterflies in my stomach
wing against my hair
hands against his heart
heart intertwined with my soul

you may ask why
am i so enamoured with this
idea of love

perhaps it is so i do not feel lonely
for i have been (lonely) for a while now
even when i am surrounded by people
there is no one
not really
not anyone who connects with my soul

or perhaps  i just want to feel more put together
after all
everyone thinks you’re so much happier when you have a significant other

or perhaps i just want someone to hold hands with
someone to kiss
embrace
****

oh
ah
oh
i’m not fooling anyone, am i?
the reason i am so enamoured with the idea of love
is because i am obsessed with the notion that someone else can fix me up
heal the void in my heart
clear the window to my soul

“i hate sweets”
you’d once said
being offered a cake
and having none of it
for you did not like the taste

i wondered why that was
and came to the conclusion
that perhaps the reason
was because you had known
the taste of sweetness for too long
the people around you
they looked at you
talked to you
and they were
too sweet
tooth-achingly so

and maybe that was why you loved me
because i was far from sweet
i was sour
slightly painful
i've been told i'm unpleasant (not by you, of course)

an acquired taste, you'd said

"not unpleasant," were the words you whispered
smile crooked
eyes mellow
relaxed
"just a bit different"

i wondered if you loved me
because i was "me"
or because i was "sour"
because i wasn't "sweet"

so i
covered myself
in candy,
asked you what you think

"my dear,"
you smiled
"i wouldn't care
how 'sweet' you are
for i would still love you"

"but you hate sweets" i countered,
and you
laughed at me
"i also hate the sour taste of lemons," you said
"and you're the most sour person on this earth"