Have you ever met someone and realize that their hand fits perfectly within yours and their body intertwined with yours gives you the kind of feeling they write cheesy poems about?

It hurt when you left
Not because of you
Walking away
But because when you left
You took a part of me
With
You

The coffee on my lips
makes me think
of you
and that time we sat
for hours
as if time was endless
and the world had stopped
for you and I

Let's take a moment
And toast to the inevitable kind of men
The ones we hate to cross
But somehow do anyways
The **** boys
With their egoistic personalities
And no good intentions
They make the world go around
By making us realize
How much better we deserve
So thank you
For being a **** boy
And showing me
Everything I don't want in a guy

I wanted it. I wanted this. Most importantly, I wanted you.

I've learned about self love
a lot in the past few months
and how to love the way
my thighs jiggle

I've learned about self love
a lot in the past few months
and how to appreciate
my thick eyebrows

I've learned about self love
a lot in the past few months
and to remember that my eyes
twinkle like no other

I've learned about self love
a lot in the past few months
and how to treat my body
like a temple

I've learned about self love
a lot in the past few months
and that everyone's definition of beauty
is different

I've learned about self love
a lot in the past few months
and how to accept
that I'll never fit society's standards
but that it's okay

I've learned that I'm beautiful
and that's the most important part
of all

You are loved. I know life feels difficult right now and it's like you're drowning in the middle of the ocean, struggling to breathe, but you are doing a **** good job at staying afloat. Despite your grief and sadness, you are giving life all you have and that's important to note. While this may not seem like the best you can do, I think it's the best you can do for right now. Give yourself credit for that. Yes, it's vital to give an effort to life and the people you're around but please don't forget to put forth an effort for yourself. Loving and caring for yourself has always been a tough task for you since your big heart's natural instinct is to pour love into others. You're so kind and loving, I know, but you absolutely deserve your kindness and love, more than anyone else.

You're so ******* yourself. It may seem like you're not going anywhere or only moving backwards but I swear you're making progress. Those small victories, no matter how tiny they seem, are something to be celebrated. I'm so proud of you--you've grown so much through all of this and even on the hardest days, you don't let your sadness define you or your worth. You are so much more than your sadness and I hope you'll take note of all the beautiful things there is about you. It may be hard to imagine right now but there will be a time when you don't feel so hopeless. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel, even in the tunnels with the most severe darkness and monster-like things waiting to terrify you.

Don't let your feelings swallow you whole. You are so strong. In a field of sunflowers, you are the tallest one that ever grew, with a sturdy stem and bright petals. i want you to remember this when you feel yourself falling down, unable to find the strength to stand tall. One day, you will be able to look back on all of this and feel satisfied because you didn't give up on yourself. There are days when you feel like existing is simply too much and you want to hide--that's okay. Sometimes life is overwhelming and you can't figure out how to deal. No one has all of the answers. I have faith you will find your way and take care of yourself.

This wouldn't have been thrown your way if you couldn't handle it. Constantly remind yourself of that. You will go through this and grow through it and bloom in ways you never even imagined. Sadness will seem like a foreign concept to you and you'll feel the warmest of rays of happiness. I'm telling you, you deserve it all. You deserve the world. You deserve the love you give to everyone else. You deserve to be happy. Even in your worst times and when you feel like you've ******* up real bad, you are deserving of good things. You have to remember you're a work in progress and not a finished master piece. Be gentle. Be warm. Be compassionate. It'll make your journey feel a little lighter and a little smoother. It's okay to be sad but don't let this be the only thing you ever feel. Seek out things that make you happy in each day, even on the days that feel a bit hellish. Happy things are all over, you just have to be willing to look for them. You can do this. You can get through this. I believe in you and so do many other people.

Maybe we'll meet again one day at a coffee shop in the city and then, the timing will be right

Pearls remind me of you and the time we shared together. I don't know what it meant to you, but to me, it meant the world. My pearl necklace could almost be thought of as a symbol... A symbol of something beautiful, something that was bigger than us. *Just know that I always think of you when I put it on.

All I ever wanted was for you to
love me
I blamed myself
and wondered why the hell I wasn't
enough
I now realize that it was never
my fault
You were just so incapable of loving anyone other than
yourself

I wanted to be more
More than the way my eyebrows arch
More than the size of my *******
More than the length of my legs
More than what size jeans I wear
More than the color of my eyes
More than my body shape
I am more
I'm the music I listen to
And the songs that make me feel something
New
I'm my favorite books
And the lines I highlight just so I never forget
Them
I'm the times I've been hurt
But even more so I'm the times I picked myself back
Up
I'm my favorite movies
And the scenes that made me feel I was a character
Too
I'm not just the beauty you see
It's much deeper than that
I'm the love I give
But I never let myself be defined by the love I don't
Receive
Because the defintion of me isn't the people who refuse to love me

“Be gentle.”
The thing about being a woman
is that you are taught to be
gentle
but not how to navigate a world
that will NOT treat you gently.
I’ve spent my life being
Stepped all over
Like a **** doormat.
We’re taught
It’s weak and feminine
To be gentle.
The gentle ones
Are the ones we should truly applaud
For they have found ways
To love
In a world that
Can be
So ugly.
I once hated
How my heart feels
It’s as big as this planet
But I now realize
I can love in ways that
Others can not
And while I may
Have been hurt
Often because of
this, I will embrace it.
It’s a blessing,
Not a curse.


“Don’t raise your voice.”
On Saturday,
my coach told me he could hear me
from where he was standing
and he was feet away.
He meant it as a joke,
I even laughed to hide the hurt.
I’ve been told I’m loud
For most of my life
And everyone always thinks
It’s hilarious to point out
But it’s not.
It ******* hurts.
It gets old being told,
“Lower your voice”
“Be quiet”
“God, you’re so loud”
It’s like a broken record,
One I would like to never
Hear again.
My voice is a loud roar
And it’s powerful.
I won’t apologize
For the way in which
It rings through your ears.
I feel things strongly,
I express it through
My voice.
There is no mute button
And I will be heard.

“You should probably cover up.”
I was 13
The first time I was shamed
For the clothes I wore.
In middle school,
I was stuck in a classroom
With other girls in the school.
Because our shorts were too short.
I felt suffocated.
I wanted to cry.
The walls were bland and gray,
Why me?
There was just no way
I could be in the same space
As a boy
And him be able to control myself
While my legs were out in the open
For him to see.
Like, ****.  
My shirt couldn’t be slouched off my shoulder,
Either.
Because you know that’s what
Really gets boys GOING!
Legs and ******* shoulder blades,
For God’s sake.
We instill these expectations
Into young girl’s minds
Not realizing the damage,
The daggers were throwing
At their little hearts.
I grew older
And I was still being told what to wear.
“Are you sure you should wear that?”
I had to be careful what I wore out
Otherwise a guy may think of it as
Permission to ***** and grab.
I’m not a piece of meat,
I’m not YOUR girl,
I’m not anyone to you
But that doesn’t mean
You shouldn’t respect me
For who I am,
A human being
With feelings.


“Oh, honey… He’s just mean to you because he likes you.”
A boy threw sand at me when I was 7.
It got in my eyes
And all over my new pretty dress.
All I wanted to do was cry but
I was told he did it because he liked me.
We love those who hurt us
Because when we were young
We were told this meant they liked us.
It changes as we grow older,
It’s no longer thrown sand
And playful touches.
It becomes something bigger,
Something scarier than the
Monsters that you thought
Were under your bed.
Loud screams.
Slaps.
Threats.
A black eye here,
A cut there.
You look in the mirror
And you swear you’ve
Never looked more terrible.
A lack of control.
A lack of sleep.
But, but,
He does this
Because he loves me.
Weak and trapped.
You can’t escape
Because he’s all you
Know.
Where do you go?
Love wasn’t supposed to feel like
This.


“She was asking for it.”
She had a bit to drink.
She’s feeling loose and happy.
You complimented her and
Her eyes lit up.
She’s moving closer to you,
Trusting you.
One thing leads to another
And next thing you know,
There you are,
in the bedroom.
She’s not sure if she wants this
But her clothes come off
Quick like a glove.
You’ve got her right where
You want her.
You go with it
Because how could you resist
The twinkle in her eyes
And those thighs?
Things are a bit blurred
For her
And when she realizes what you’ve done,
She’ll feel cheated and robbed
For you stole something so valuable.
Before people
Ask why you did this to her,
They’ll ask what she was wearing
And what she had to drink.
Was her shirt cut low?
Was she drunk?
How unfortunate this is.
Her life will never be
The
Same,
Changed
For…
ever.

I will unapologetically be the woman I am
I will be tough
I will raise my voice
I will wear what makes me love the skin I’m in
I will walk away
I will love myself
I will fight against **** culture

Be kind to yourself and love yourself. You're growing and you're healing. You can never become the person you're supposed to be if you never let yourself catch a break.

I once thought I was beautiful just because you touched me but it didn't take me long to realize I had been beautiful all this time. I was just too busy picking at the things that I thought made me not good enough for this world.

Thoughts at night are centered around you and how I wish you adored me in the same way I adore you.

To feel
for everything and everyone
is a curse
but also somehow
a blessing in disguise
I somehow am connected
to the entire world
simply through emotion
There are people in this world who don't seem to
care
enough
but then there's me
that cares enough for myself
and every single person that does
not
care
Some may call me
naive
overwhelming
or foolish
but I just can't walk through
life
stepping on feet
I have to be the one that lends
a hand
Wiser decisions have been made
putting others before myself is not one I'm proud of
I deserve  to show myself
more compassion
I just can't help what I see in others
that I don't see in
myself
something that's worth it
It's part of having a mind
that ultimately cares too much about everyone else
but not enough about itself

tomorrow's thanksgiving,
i've been trying to avoid
thinking about this day
for weeks.

i've lodged the thought of
it out of my head,
i've buried it away
but i can no longer
avoid it.

i don't want to
stare at an empty
place at the table.

four plates,
four forks,
four spoons,
four knives,
four glasses,
instead of five.

having to fill the silence
with questions about
school and post-grad life,
to steer the topic away
from how empty and sad
we feel without you.

at some points,
seven months
feels the same
as one.

time physically passes by,
and the next thing i know,
it's been seven months
rather than three.

it feels subjective to me,
i've been waiting for time
to mend me and my
hurting heart
but the day hasn't
come.

living with the loss
of you will always
sting,
even if it's just a bit.

i will stare at
the empty place
tomorrow and wonder
why you had to be taken
from me.

i give thanks for the 21
years i had with you
but they'll never feel like
enough.

do they celebrate
thanksgiving in heaven?

I am a fragment
of a broken home,
parents that were
never meant for
one another
but tried their best
to love as if
they were.
They tried to
hold it together
for us kids
but life could never
be what we wanted
it to be.

I am a fragment
of my demons,
the voice
in my head
that tells me
over and over again,
"you're not enough."
There are some days
where that voice
feels greater
than my own
and I almost want to
give in.

I am a fragment
of failed relationships.
You told me I was
"too much."
It felt like daggers
in my chest
and suddenly
I couldn't breathe.
Since then,
I have always felt
I've needed to hold
myself back
and not drown in love.

I am a fragment
of the hell I've
been through.
It wasn't easy
to get to where
I am today.
My journey was
a little ragged,
not a straight shot...
but I'm still
standing tall and
going through
this thing we call
life.

I'm a fragment
of the songs
I've played
over and over again.
Some to block out
the pain,
the tears.
Others to reach
a state of nostalgia,
in an attempt
to go back to moments
I wished to relive.

I am a fragment
of those I surround
myself with.
The constant encouragement,
the kind words,
the shoulders to lean on,
the ability to understand
why I'm like this.
Where would I be
without it?

I am a fragment
of the books I've read.
The lines I underlined
to come back to again,
the characters I saw
a piece of myself in,
the events I read about
that hit home
a little too hard.

I am a fragment
of my flaws,
my mistakes,
my imperfections.
They've eaten me alive
for most of my life
but I am beginning
to come to terms
with them.
I am seeing
the beauty I once
refused to see
within them.

I am a fragment
of my emotions.
They were always
valid and real
despite those who
tried to convince me
otherwise.
The smiles and laughs
were just as significant
as the screams and tears.
I tell myself,
"you were never crazy...
you were just figuring
yourself out."

I am a fragment
of love.
Those that I loved,
those that never
loved me.
The times that
love evoked
happiness,
the times that
love caused me
pain.
It's all the same
when you think
about it.
It was all for,
love.

I am a fragment
of the woman
I was and
the woman I am.
I didn't always
love myself like this
but god, I'm glad I
now do...
because this is something
that can never be
taken away from me.

A disruption in a peaceful world, everyday I’m
At war and battling against myself.
Clouds overcast my mind. Ugh, god,
dad, I’m so sorry I’m like this.

Edge is near, I think I’m losing my balance. I
feel like I’m alone in this world.
Guilt consumes my mind. I don’t know
How to not feel like this.

Innocence has disappeared, this is a
jigsaw puzzle I simply can’t solve.
Keep me close, keep me alive.
Landfill of thoughts piling up in my mind.

Missing a piece to the puzzle of life.
No one understands why I’m like this, not even me.
Once I wasn’t this crazy,
Please don’t leave me here alone.

Quick, I feel myself falling apart.
Raging war in my mind, when will it end?
Still searching for the piece that completes the puzzle.
Tick, tick...time's running out.

Underneath this craziness is a person needing to be loved.
Visions of something better, it wasn’t supposed to be like this. It’s
warmth I crave, I need a hand to hold. Looking at an
X-ray of this broken thing that can never be put back together.

Yes, I’m still here. My sanity may not be but I am.
Zigzagging.

They always say
that the drunk words
are sober thoughts
and I guess for me and you
that is true
We say things to each other whilst
drunk
that we would never say if we were
sober
and why is it that
Is it my fault or is it yours
maybe it's both of our faults
and our fear of feeling something
that is actually real
something that's so much bigger than both of
us

You saw sunshine in me when I saw complete darkness

Some days are harder than others. I look in the mirror and count my flaws one by one. The voice in my head tells me I'm not good enough. I know that's not true but sometimes I'm tempted to give in. It's such a struggle to not drown in everyone's expectations of what I'm supposed to be. I constantly reassure myself that it's okay, the only expectations I have to live up to are my own. I'm smart. I'm beautiful. I'm kind. I have a big heart. I tell myself these things over and over just to remind myself that my worth isn't based on the recognition of another person. I will always have value regardless of who chooses to recognize it.

Today, I will look in the mirror and tell myself how much I love her. Instead of picking myself apart and counting my flaws, I will look to the things that make me beautiful. The thick eyebrows that frame my face. The eyes that twinkle when I talk about something I love. The thighs I've earned from running hard and long miles. My ability to always love again despite the pain. We get so wrapped up in trying to be what others want us to be that we neglect what is already there.

I want you to fall in love with yourself this year, flaws and all. Find a reason to love the part of yourself that you hate the most. It's nice to be loved by others but it's even nicer to be loved by yourself. Embrace yourself. That voice in your head that tells you that you aren't good enough is wrong. You have always been enough.

**The journey to self love isn't an easy one but it sure is one of the most important ones you'll experience.

I feel most at home
when my pencil is hitting the paper
or my fingers are hitting the keys

I write to have a voice
a voice that screams to be heard
a voice that has been crying out
for so long

I am no longer willing to sit in silence
I deserve to be heard
and I'll scream until someone listens

My pain has been overlooked
my words have been belittled
my voice has been hushed

But not for any longer

Today was my cousin Joe's birthday, but I think of him more as an uncle considering he's closer to my dad's age than mine, that's besides the point of this, though. I haven't seen him or talked to him in 5 to 6 years due to  his mental conditions. The past 10 years or so have consisted of a lot of ups and downs for him. I can't remember when exactly it was, but it was fairly recent, that he was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia. When I had found this out, I was probably a pre teen and I didn't fully understand what this meant, but I do remember feeling a punch to my chest. Joe was my best friend when I was child and he was a vital part how growing up went for me. I always looked forward to holidays and family gatherings because I knew he'd be there and we'd get to spend time together and share laughs. When he was diagnosed, he was no longer around... He needed to get help and as sad as that made me, I knew it was for the best. Today was his birthday, today I called him meaning it'd be the first time we had talked in almost six years. I could tell he wasn't the same man he was when I was a child, but that didn't make a difference, I was just happy to hear his voice. He hadn't realized I had already graduated high school or that I was on my first year of college or that my sister had a baby. At certain points in the conversation, he had called me by my sister's name, but I knew I shouldn't take it personally, I knew he knew that it was me he was speaking to. He had said my voice was calm and that I sounded just like my father, I never thought that was something I would be happy to hear. When the circumstances aren't what they once were, you come to appreciate what you get. You appreciate the little things because the big things are no longer something you can experience. How can you possibly make up the time  loss in six years through a sixteen minute phone call? You can't, but I sure as hell did try. I never realized how much I had changed in those years until he had picked up the phone. I realized I wasn't the same little girl and I didn't have the same dreams I had that time in my life. He was different, too. Not the golly man he once was. He hadn't lost the light that kept him going though and I think that's really important to consider. Mental illnesses are always going to be mental illnesses, but what is important is you don't let them win. You don't realize how significant a person's mental health is to their well being until you see the mental health of someone you love spiraling down at a fast speed, potentially taking them away at any moment. You're not your mental illnesses, you'll always be my best friend. "I love you, kid." "I love you, too." That's what was said before I clicked the end button on my iPhone.

Sierra, don’t be so hard
on yourself.
Treat yourself as if
you are the world’s treasure
because that’s exactly what
you are.
I know sometimes you feel
as if you hold the world
on your shoulders
but I’m here to tell you
you’ll be okay
and to just breathe.
Stop giving second and third chances
to people who didn’t exactly
deserve the first.
It’s in your heart to
always see the good in people
but you shouldn’t feel guilt
for the times you have to
let go.
The world is yours,
I want to go out
and discover it.
Never be afraid to take
that jump,
someone will always be
there to catch you.

Don't fall for me
Don't fall in love with me
When you love me
you also love my
mishaps
flaws
mistakes
demons
I will over-analyze you
and every word you say
and every move you make
You'll see that I'm a mess
and majority of the time
I don't know what the hell is
going on
I'm a clutz and trip over my own
two feet
I'm needy and I'll often ask you if you seriously do
love me
My emotions are so big and wide that I have enough to go
around for everyone who doesn't give a ****
but if you decide to fall in love with me
regardless of all this
I'll write you poems so sweet
that they'll sound like melodies
I'll love you like the sun loves the moon
I'll care for you in a way that is so gentle and delicate
I will always be there
I'll be your rock
I'll love all the things you swear you hate about yourself
I'll make constellations out of your freckles
and a new galaxy will be found in your eyes
I'll find beauty in your flaws
and you'll wonder why you never loved yourself
in the way that
I love you

I don't want to believe anything truly dies. The things we love, the people we love...we carry them with us regardless of how they wither  away and leave us. Seasons pass and the petals on flowers shrivel up, the colors aren't as bright as they once were but I've thought in this state, flowers tell the most.

I have two flowers that I keep in a glass jar next to my bed. While their states of these two flowers may them alike, the stories they tell are different. The first was given to me by a boy I swear I wanted to love. I'm wondering if I'll ever reach a moment where the timing is "right." I hadn't seen him in more than a year and in a way, this was us meeting for the first time again. I'm easily pleased and this single flower lit my face up the same way a whole bouquet would. Holding on to this single flower from months ago may seem strange but to me, it represents the warmth and comfort a single person can provide you with. The reality is things don't always turn out the way you wish for them for them too...but I was thankful to have crossed paths with you. I have no problem taking a different turn on my journey if it means meeting you at the end of the road. The light you bring to my being will always shine.

There were bundles of roses placed on my grandfather's casket the day of his burial. I remember this day vividly and despite the daggers I feel in my chest when I think about it, I want to remember it forever. I've been able to come to terms with the death of my grandfather since March but the thing with grief is one moment it feels light like a feather and the next you feel yourself being suffocated by the weight of it. This single rose represents my sadness, my shaky knees and sweaty palms that day, the tears that have rolled down my face over again, and most of all, the last time I saw his face and held his hand. Holding the flower brings me back to that day. I still feel the pain so intensely but I am now able to smile, too. It's hard when the ones we love leave us. It doesn't feel fair but I'm realizing their presence will always linger. They're here and there with us, we just don't realize it.  Being without the physical presence hurts but a spiritual presence can help our grief to feel a little less heavy.

To you,  withered flowers may seem like something you'd throw in the trash and a thing to let go of but I hold on to them for the stories they tell, the emotions they keep within them. Life is full of metaphors and dying flowers are another one of those. I am reminded of the ways in which things and people don't actually die. They live on within us and the universe. Planting another flower may bring some joy to my life but the thorns of  the flower that came before will still hurt me fro time to time. That's the beauty of life and its highs and lows, there will be thorns to cause hurt but there will be new beginnings that will bloom.
It all lives on with those withered flowers that lay in a glass jar by my bed side. I am unable to let go of some things and holding on to them assures me they will not die.

It really terrifies me, you know? The fact that you already know me so well and eventually you'll know me inside and out. Letting people in has never been an easy task for me. I always hated the idea of the other person having an upper hand, something to hold over me. You know my favorite songs and how my eyes will light up if you were ever to turn them on in your car. You know my favorite books and the parts I read more than once, just because they were that good. You know how I like my poetry, emotion so tense and raw you can cut it with a knife. You know the way I awkwardly laugh when I can't find the words to explain my thoughts to you. You know what I don't like about myself, but more importantly, you know what I love about myself. You know of the things I don't really like to talk about and you understand, you understand the way I've hurt. You know the movies I like and which ones I have on replay. You know that on most days, I'm one wrong move away from insane, but you like me anyways. You know that I tell a lot of pointless stories but you still look at me with a fire in your eye, as if I'm telling you your favorite story from when you were a child. You know of my dark past but you also know of my bright future. You know of the way I once hated myself and beat myself up, you now know of the way I love myself and treat my body like a temple. You know of the stupid stories from when I was a child and you somehow find them funny. You know of my goals, my dreams, and where I hope to see myself one day. You know of my flaws, my imperfections, and my little mishaps. You know of the weird habits I have that I would rather not have most people aware of... I must ask, "Why me?"

i wish i had
never entered.
i wish i would've
looked the
other way.

(why did i let you in?)

your finger tips,
they feel like daggers.
your voice,
a song i would
never sing again.
your touch,
it feels foreign
and suddenly i'm
in a strange place.

(you're not who i thought you were)

you used to shine
so bright,
you were a star
in my sky.
the sun that lit
up my world
but you've
gone away.

(i wish i could take it all back)

the time i woke up crying,
sleepless nights,
fingers intertwined,
quiet voices,
hellos and goodbyes.

i used to look forward
to the sight of that
blue house
on the corner
but i now look away.

I'm never quite sure who it is that I
Love
Do I love you
Or do I love the thought of you
A question that will constantly
Linger
In my mind

You always wanted me to
write a poem for you
You'd be surprised to find out
that thoughts of you are
in the form
of only the most intricate forms of
poetry
I align your flaws and quirks into
the finest haikus
Five syllables about how your smile brightens up
a rainy day
Seven syllables about how that freckle on your cheek
makes me weak
Five syllables about how I never liked brown eyes
until you came along

I drank to forget your face but somehow I still found you at the bottom of my glass.

i've never believed the saying, "time heals all wounds." it puts one under the impression that if you wait and do good, we'll one day be magically healed...we'll wake up and suddenly see and feel the radiance of the sun again.

the sun has come back but i can still feel the frigid cold trying to take me away.

google defines wound (n) as: an injury to living tissue caused by a cut, blow, or other impact, typically one in which the skin is cut or broken. synonyms include but are not limited to: ****, laceration, slash, abrasion, bruise.

wounds can be physical. black and blue. scratches up and down your arm. wishing they'd go away so you can stop telling people that you ran into a tree.

wounds can be mental. feeling a tug at your heart constantly, one wrong move and you're shattered. not being able to listen to that song without bursting out in tears.

my wounds are valid whether you can see them or not. time has passed and my wounds are still begging to be seen. stop telling me i'll be okay with time.

i used to feel crazy. i was waiting for a switch to turn on. the switch would turn on and i would be healed. i wouldn't feel like this anymore. this day never came but i'm realizing this is fine.

google defines heal (v) as: to cause (an undesirable condition) to be overcome. synonyms include but are not limited to: mend, recover, improve.

peak moments make me feel like i'm healed. i'll laugh the way i used to. warmth takes me over. the sky is a brighter shade of blue.

low moments make me question the healing process. i'm crying. my heart feels like it's breaking all over again. i'm battling with myself in my head. suddenly i'm on a rollercoaster i can't get off of and i can't stop screaming.

the thing is, i'm constantly healing. the process never ends. my body is constantly working to heal my wounds and while they may become less visible over time, i can tell you i will always feel them.

i've accepted my wounds as a part of me. they take up space. i carry them with me everywhere i go. i'm not sure if i'd be me without my wounds.

my wounds remind me of who i am, what i'm capable of. they're proof of the battles i fought: the nights i cried and cried, the moments i felt the world was too much for me, the times i questioned my worth, when i could feel my own heart breaking.

i'm sorry to say that time doesn't heal all wounds  as i'm still hurting.

Google defines detach as--
"disengage (something or part of something)
and remove it."
But Google could never tell me
how to detach myself
from the feelings that
consume me
and swallow me whole.

I'm not being irrational.
I'm not blowing things out of proportion.
I'm not overreacting.
I'm not being dramatic.
I'm not being hypersensitive.

Before pointing your fingers at me,
I want you to look at yourself.
Do you have empathy?
Do you realize these bad things can happen?
You may not say the words you speak
with the intent to hurt
but that is exactly what you're doing.

Stop ******* dancing around the problem,
like it's this fun thing to do.
Violation.
Tears shed.
Screams.
Hands on a body that isn't theirs.
Pain.
Blame where it doesn't belong.

This is reality
and you have no right
to decide how this story goes.
I ask you to step back
and think about the ways
in which you are impacting others.

If I can't detach myself,
neither can you.
******* talk.
Say words that mean something.
Speak the truth.
This is painful.
I refuse to let you pretend
as if it's not.

This is all I think about.
Unfasten, disconnect, separate, remove.
Pull off, free, disengage, loosen.
I wish I could.
I really do.
But there's nothing that can make this
go away.

I feel the walls closing in.
My breaths are shorter.
Tears.
I want to escape
but you can't escape
your own feelings,
your own pain.

It must be nice to
de
tach.
How lucky
you are.

Your mind is like an ocean
that I want to spend all my time
exploring

Your mind is like the sun
I think of your thoughts in the same way
I think of rays
They spread
from you to me

Your mind is like a tree in the autumn
Thoughts scattered all over your brain
the same way leaves are scattered
around my front yard

Your mind is like that puzzle I can't seem to solve
and I think I might like that
The fun in you is that there's always
something new to understand

Your mind is like that new album I have on replay
because no matter what I do
I always seem to replay pieces of you
in my mind
over and over again

‌• you are not defined by those who refused to love you.
‌• you're still strong even on your weak days.
‌• you're beautiful, body and mind both included.
‌• it's okay to cut ties with toxic people.
‌• letting people in is hard, it takes time.
‌• forgive yourself for your mistakes.
‌• your feelings are always valid.
‌• crying can sometimes bring you back to where you need to be.
‌• hold the people who constantly check on you closest to you.
‌• love and care for yourself, don't wait for someone else to.
‌• everyone grows at their own rates.
‌• it hurt because it matters.
‌• the past tends to linger but don't let it control you.
‌• put yourself first.
‌• not everyone has the ability to understand you.
‌• you're doing a good job, try not to be so ******* yourself.
‌• don't seek out love, let it find you.
‌• your scars eventually won't cut so deep.
‌• grief is a part of a life and maybe one day it won't feel so heavy.
‌• you're worth so much more than you think you are.

it was a saturday afternoon
in december
when we met for
a second time,
the sun was shining,
and there had to be
some reason for that.

the universe was
doing something right
when she brought us
back together
again.

it was may when
we approached the
end of you and i,
or whatever i knew us as.

losing you
was like being forced
to shut a book
i really wanted to finish.

pieces of you
lingered throughout
my everyday life
for months,
but i did everything
i could to shut you out.

months later,
i sat across from you
at this cute cafe and
i couldn't help but
wonder what we did
to deserve each other
a second time around.

your eyes seemed brighter,
a more vibrant blue,
a deeper ocean.

a freckle by your eye
that i never seemed to
notice.

i wanted to freeze time and
live this moment forever
with you,
because for once,
everything felt aligned.

People should think of their eyes as their own personal universe. The color doesn't matter so much, the way it twinkles and sparkles on its own does. Every universe is different, you must just let yourself explore far enough.

Never let yourself find home in a
person
People are not
permanent
and they don't have to
stay
They can walk away at any
moment
Find home in
places
silence
the sun and the moon
music
yourself
but god
whatever you do don't find home in a
person
because what'll you do when they're
gone
and your home's gone
too

"The moon moves oceans. It makes the Earth tremble from afar and it is beautiful. That is how I see women. Graceful but ferocious." -A boy who fascinates me

Falling in love is a lot
like the vicious storms
we fear so much
You hear about what happens
how it feels
and you try to prepare yourself
but you're never quite ready
for what's to come
it comes slowly
little by little you see it unravel
and then before you know it
it devours you whole
You swear you see it coming
but the truth is you never really do
and that's the terrifying part
It's everything you've wanted to feel in life
but would never dare to mention
You feel alive
so alive like you're on the top of a mountain
You feel scared out of your mind
so scared like you're facing your worst fears
You feel brand new
so new like someone took your soul and wiped it clean
You just want to shout
and tell the world
about this new feeling
bursting out of your chest

EVERY TIME YOU FEEL LOVE IT WILL BE SO DIFFERENT

To you
I was an object of
pure lust
I was never enough
to be worth your
affection

To you
It was about the
lace on my bra
and the size
of my *******

To you
I was like your *** toy
and you wanted to spend all your time
playing with me

To you
It was about my thighs
and focusing on what was
between them

To you
I was expected to be a woman of seduction
and spend all my time pleasing you

To you
It was about my long legs
and what it'd take for you
to be able to run your hands
up and down them

To you
It was never about anything more than
the ****** attraction
It didn't matter what I did
or how hard I tried
You would never love me

It's always the same
"How are you?"
But are the answers actually honest
Probably not
Ask the questions that matter
the ones that hurt
the ones that strike a feeling in the soul
"How did that scar get there?"
"Have you ever felt your life slip before your eyes?"
"Is a rock bottom a place you've been to?"
"Have you experienced love? What is it like?"
"Do you hurt or get hurt?"
"Is receiving or giving love more significant to you?"
"What does your past look like?"
"What moment were you most terrified at?"
"Do you know what it's like to have a broken heart?"
We're not here to beat
around the bush
Let's get in each other's minds
figure out why we hurt
where we've been
and what we had to go through to get here

If only we could take the pain
of the ones we love
and somehow put that weight
on our own shoulders

I really believe in the past few months, I've changed and grown more than I have my entire life. I guess it's not much of surprise with the whole college thing, but I didn't see it coming. I'm not the person I was my freshman year of high school, heck, I'm not even the person I was in August. Change is a weird thing, but despite what we think, life isn't meant to be constant. I've learned a lot about love and even more so, falling out of love. I always thought the quote "if you love someone, let them go" was a cliche, but I promise you it's not once you're actually faced with the decision yourself. After sharing so much of your life with another individual, having to let them go can be an incredibly hard thing... but sometimes in order to prosper and grow, you both have to be apart. It doesn't mean the love was lost or that you still don't actually love them, it just shows that what you two shared was bigger than the two of you and it should be left at that... love that can't be explained, what a beautiful thing, right? I've learned a hell of a lot about friendships and the kind of people you want in your life. My amount of friends isn't abundant, but the quality of my friends is. My friends at home and my friends at school are not one of the same, but I think that's why I enjoy them so much. They bring different things to my life. My friends at school, it's unreal. I've experienced so much with them in the little four months I've known them. I'll never forget that Sunday where our daily lives seemed so little, because She was almost gone. My friends at home really proved that distance doesn't change a thing... home is always where the heart is. Pain I've realized is something we are lucky to experience, because it's real. How lucky are we to experience raw emotion? Emotions that are those of our own. I was always ashamed to feel hurt, to cry, to feel pain, or just feel emotion at all... but now I see that I should have been embracing it a long time ago. Those of us who aren't afraid to show how we feel are the true heroes. We let others know that it is okay, it's a part of life. Maybe we should stop thinking being overly emotional is a bad thing, it's a gift almost. To feel for everything and everyone, not everyone gets to experience that kind of thing and it's beautiful, really. Embrace your feelings because another day here is never guaranteed. I've learned that I'm beautiful, despite what anyone tries to tell me. No, my body isn't what makes me beautiful. My mind is what does. My ability to turn words of nonsense into gentle verses of poetry tells you more than my appearance ever will. I've realized that I think in the flow of poetry and I don't think I'll ever going to be the same again. Is that the joy of being a writer? When a sentence you say sounds like it came out of a novel and you find yourself rhyming, without even giving it a second thought. The last few days of 2014 have felt longer than the entire year itself. The end of 2014 is a blur really, high school isn't something I like to give much of a second thought to... and as for starting my new adventure, college has been something for the books. Memories I'll never forget and people I want to be around when I'm one day married with little people who are half of me. These last few days have felt extremely significant and changed me without even meaning to. I've just realized how precious life is, how **** lucky we are to be standing here... Life is a bunch of little moments that are part of a bigger picture, they all set one another off. Every little thing matters. I've realized my words have the ability to change the world, maybe they already have? But you see, I'm just getting started. I'm just beginning to grow and mature. My journey has far more twists and turns and I don't know where I'll end up, but isn't that the wonder of life?

I found pieces of myself within you and I think that's why I was so fond of you.

I miss when all I could think about was love, being in love and how much I loved you

I was so hung up on the idea of you, the idea of us. I thought we could move mountains together but I failed to realize what I thought was there was crumbling right before my eyes. Maybe I just imagined a world where we could be together, a world where we could co-exist and be good to each other. I wanted nothing more than this but I'm realizing we're like parallel lines--we can try so **** hard but it doesn't matter, we will never touch despite being a part of the same universe.

2. The flower you gave me lies on my book shelf. Most of it's life has withered away and there's not much left, it's hardly hanging on. I'm thinking this is a metaphor for you  and I. There was a time when we were blossoming and growing but then we reached a plateau. We were causing more harm than good but we held on because ****, it hurts to let go.

3. Remember that time I spilled a beer all over myself? It was the first time we saw each other in more than a year and I remember how embarrassed I was. Luckily, I was wearing dark jeans but not so luckily, I was wearing a light pink shirt. I wore my coat all night, zipped it up to the very top. We walked around that night, you talked of your goals and aspirations. Your eyes lit up like a **** star in the sky. For that moment, it was just us and the street lights. I'd go back to it if I could.

4. You told me you were going through this weird stage of life where you were like a ghost, in and out, coming and going as you pleased. I thought I was okay with this and then you left the country for a month. It's not like I was seeing you on a daily basis but I suppose being in the same state brought me comfort. You were never that far away, I could still reach out my fingers and come close to reaching you. I wanted consistency, so bad, but I had to be satisifed with the little pieces of you that you gave me. So I had to pretend it didn't feel like a bee stung my arm when you messaged me like you never left.

5. I miss you the most on Saturday nights, when I'm coming down and I realize something feels off. These nights I miss the sound of your voice and the freckles on your face. I don't think I'm a bad person for wanting to hear from you in these moments. It's always been hard for us to be a part of the same world but I wanted nothing more. You said I treated you like empty calories. I think you're more of an ember but it seems you've forgotten all about the other bits of us. It must've meant more to me than it meant to you.

6. I let you know me--the deepest and darkest parts of me, the scars I keep hidden, the skeletons hidden away in my closet but you never let me now you. It has often come  back to me not knowing you, at the very beginning and at the end. Was I supposed to pry you open with a pair of pliers? It's hard to open a lock when you don't know the combination. You can't say I didn't want to know you, I tried so **** hard but you didn't let me. I never knew you could be so cold. And now, I'm shivering.

7. Letting go. I think I should've done this a while ago but I was in denial. My own form of insanity. Breaking my own heart just to see how much I could take. I've watched the sun set over us many times but I need a sun rise. I won't forget how gentle your touch felt.

-Knowing that no matter the day, the sun will always rise and it will always set and each time, it will be even beautiful than the time before
-There are always new books to read and new music to listen to
-A cup of coffee on a cold winter day
-Freshly dried blankets and sheets
-The butterflies that come with a first date
-Loving and being loved back
-Knowing that no matter where you are in the world, you and the people you love are looking at the same moon
-Music that gives you chills
-Lines in books that are so good that you have to read them twice
-The fact that you're young and the world is IN fact, yours