You told me you liked me because I was something new
But then suddenly I wasn't enough for you
I hope the thought of me leaves a bad taste in your mouth
Memories shared with you are a
Blur
I'd rather forget
and not remember
I am enough
I was always enough
And to hell with you for refusing to see it

Come back to my room
and let you undress me
What happened to
dates and small talk
Now its all
undress me undress me
None of us got a clue why our
generation
seems to lack the skill of
commitment
but somehow hooks up
like its not a
problem

reflection
[ri-flek-shuh n]

1. i wasn't living for myself. i was living to get through the motions of each day and to make others happy. i've been a role model for others ever since shawna was born when i was in the first grade. the weight on my shoulders, i wanted to be good enough. **** it, i just wanted to be something worth while. i feared not amounting to anything so much that i forgot what it meant to live for myself. it turns out i was suffocating myself trying to live up to these unrealistic expectations i set for myself. it was as if i was trapped in a box that had been tapped shut and i was struggling to find air to breathe. i have promised myself to never put myself back in that position. i am meant for so much more. and i deserve to put myself first. the life i was living wasn't for me. and so i took myself down a different path.

2. though i've never put a blade to my skin or swallowed a large amount of pills, i harmed myself and i harmed others, especially those that love and care for me. i'm not sure when things got this bad, but once i realized the destructive person i became, i didn't want to be here anymore. there were no excuses for the poor decisions i was making but yet i couldn't stop. i would look in the mirror and not recognize the girl in the mirror, a girl causing unbelievable destruction to herself and to others. i couldn't feel bad for myself because this was all in my hands. i guess i just wanted to feel something. i had forgotten what it was like to feel and self-destruction was easy to access, a game played between me and myself and no one else. you get addicted to the feeling of watching things crash down before your eyes. i was out of control but the only person that could help me was myself.

3. if i were able to weigh my grief, i'm convinced the scale would break. this wasn't the first time i crossed paths with death and it turned everything in my life gray. cancer took my step-father away when i was 7th grade, my mother without a spouse and my two little sisters without a father. shawna was in kindergarten and candice was in pre-school, too young to go to the services. cheyenne fought with me over wearing white. i was thirteen and didn't know what proper funeral attire was. now they live life trying to remember a father they never knew. i spent much of my adolescent life regretting the words i said and wishing i would've said more. it was selfish of me but when my grandfather passed in march, i felt i was being punished. i couldn't bear the pain i was feeling and it wouldn't go away, so i had to find a scapegoat as an attempt to make myself feel better. i'll be honest, it didn't help, i only pretended it did so i wouldn't fall into a hole of spiraling depression. i still did anyway. i looked at my friends and people who knew who lost ones they loved and wondered how they hell they got over it. i didn't know what to do to lessen my pain. it was so sharp and intense, i carried it with me everywhere i went. my therapist walked me through the stages of grief and i felt like i was reliving the moment he took his last breath. silence. fighting back tears. pacing back and forth.

once i realized grief isn't something we have to get over and instead is something we learn to live with, i felt less crazy.

4. i no longer knew who i was. a friend told me that it wasn't about figuring out who i was again but rather who i wanted to be after this. i struggled and fell to rock bottom over and over again, even after feeling as if i was on the top of the world again. after so many dark hours and low points, i flourished into a girl i wanted to be, a girl i wanted to love, but most importantly, a girl i was proud of. the things we go through in life, they change us, completely and utterly. and we must decide what we do about this change--do we lose time by trying to deny we're no longer who we once were or do we embrace it? i spent a lot of time denying this new person i was becoming. i missed the old me. i wanted her back. but she was never coming back. i took a new form. and i stopped looking back and wondering why. i was no longer meant for the things i once pursued. my own kind of metamorphosis.

You told me you'd love me through the storm but as the sun began to disappear with the clouds, so did you. I never claimed to be a sunny day but I'm not a hurricane either. You made it seem as if I was causing havoc and tearing down houses. There were days where the clouds almost swallowed me whole and the rain couldn't seem to stop but you said it wasn't anything you couldn't handle. I used to be a sunny day with flowers sprouting and birds singing but there are things in life that change us and shape us into something different than what we once were. **** it, I just wanted you to stay. With each strike of lighting, I remember how it felt when you first kissed me. With each clap of thunder, I remember how it felt when you walked away. But don't you worry, I'm going to find someone to love me through the storm. Someone that doesn't run away at the sight of lighting. Someone that holds my hand through the thunder. I used to think I was too much for you but you weren't enough for me. This was never about me. Love isn't supposed to be a sunny day--it's a storm. But if you stick around through the difficult times, you'll get to see the sun peek through the clouds.

I. Intensity
I feel it. Every step. Every breath. It's there. I feel it. In the air. In the trees.  In the sunshine. In the rain. It's everywhere. It's in my bones. It's in the world. I wasn't prepared for this and I don't know what to do now. My heart feels heavy like the weight of my own personal planet. Loss and grief, they're such big things but they come to you in waves and believe me, when they try to take you back to shore, it hurts like hell and you feel it everywhere. I tried to avoid this, tried to lodge it out of my mind but it simply isn't possible. I think I'm spiraling out of control but the only person who can help me is--myself.
II. Disbelief
Roses on a casket. Touching your  hand for the last time. Tears, lots of them. Legs are shaking. Awkward hugs and handshakes. This isn't actually happening, is it? My world doesn't feel right without you and somehow I'm still expecting to come home to your smiling face. People ask me how I'm doing-- "Oh, I'm fine." I don't have the courage to be honest and tell them I'm actually a string from falling  apart. If I don't want to deal with the weight of my own emotions, why would anyone else?   Following the how I'm doing, I get the "What can I do for you?" "Oh I don't know...make my heart feel like less of a planet and make like a body part." I don't say that, of course.  I thank them for their compassion and say I don't need a thing.  
III. Numb
I put one foot in front of the other. I must find the strength to move forward. It's been two weeks now. After being consumed whole by the weight of my own emotions, I have reached the transition  from "too much" to "almost nothing at all."  At the start of this, I didn't know what to do...and I still don't know what to do. I wish there was some sort of instructional booklet for the grieving process.  Emotions, conversations, embraces-- they all start to blend together even though they're all so different.  I feel distant but not lost. I know where I am. I am still moving but somehow I feel like I'm stationary. How do I move closer? How do I not lose myself completely? Grieving, it takes different shapes. It's like a ghost that is always lingering but only makes its presence known in the worst  of your moments.

It's as if you walked in to my life and suddenly, my soul realized that you are everything it was looking for.

Did you call me pretty
Because you actually mean it
Or because you'd like to
Get me in your bed
At some point
This hook up culture
Is something I refuse to be
A part of
I want a guy
Who wants to get to know me
And find out my worst fears
Not one who only cares
About getting in my pants
Don't call me pretty
If all you want is
One thing
I see through you
And what it is you're trying to do
I'm more than what my body
Says I am
And instead of focusing on
My appearance
Why don't you take a moment
To get in my mind

-It's okay not to be okay. You don't have to be happy every single day of the week.
-A boy doesn't complete you. You complete you.
-You're not judged by the love you receive, but the love you're so quick to give.
-Life isn't supposed to go smoothly and that's the fun part of it.
-You're only 19. There's a whole world out there for you discover. No one is THAT important.
-Appreciate those that are different than you because they show you a slice of the world you never knew existed.
-Love the ones who make it difficult for you to love them. Most of the time, they're the ones who need to be loved the most.
-Never doubt the power of yourself and what you can do. You were born to change this world and impact peoples' lives.
-You are beautiful and you are important. Never second guess that for a second.
-You deserve all of the world and more. You shouldn't let anyone ever tell you different.
-There's so much to discover and so many people to meet. There's no reason to settle.
-Write. Write like your life depends on it. Experiences are best when they're documented and out in the open for others to read.
-Love yourself. That's the most important part.
-Let go of toxic relationships and people. It's simply not worth the trouble.
-Live in the present. You can't change the past and the future will happen when it happens.
-Be your own best friend, not your own enemy.
-You're not perfect, but here's a secret... no one is.

It's off but that doesn't mean I don't adore you

I'm drowning in you and there's no turning back now

I had faith in you
I really did
I thought it'd be different
this time around
I'd thought maybe you'd
grown up
and got your life
together
I should've known that I would be wrong about
that one
Youi'd always be the same boy
the same boy that
left
and hurt me
and broke me down

"your mother is an alcoholic,"
my mom jokingly said to
me one night
as she was pouring
herself another drink.

as a kid,
i didn't understand alcohol
or my mother's drinking habits.
she always seemed fine to me,
or at least pretended to be.

i didn't think anything
of the late nights,
or the excuses she sometimes
fabricated.

i smiled at her
and pretending i wasn't
actually worrying inside.
my mother was strong,
she was tough,
and i wasn't one
to criticize her drinking.

and while she said
those words as a
lighthearted joke,
i don't think she realized
i sometimes worried
for my future
and whether my
drinking habits
would hurt me
down the line.

i didn't want
to have to drink
to the bottom of the
bottle to feel something.

nor did i want to have
to drink to escape my reality.

it's a little twisted
and i'm not sure
when things got like this.

and the culture of college
doesn't help people like
me much.

"take another shot"
i take it to ease
the pain,
but i know in
the morning,
it won't make a difference,
i'll still feel the same.

ounces of alcohol,
stumbling legs,
loose smiles,
but things aren't
really what they seem.

i don't have to be
my mother's drinking habits,
pouring a glass each night
after work.

but how much
control do i actually have?
because i already feel
as if i'm spiraling
out of control.

I was always told that time would heal all wounds. It'd be okay, I'd be okay... It'd all get better with time. Often times it felt as if my "clock" had stopped or had some form of arthritis and I'd be stuck in this constant state of being miserable. I realized that time doesn't in fact heal all wounds but I'm okay with that. Time may not be able to cure all, it just comes down to how we use our time. Will you use it to find the good in the bad or will you let time pass you by?

tingles in your toes,
looking up and
seeing the same moon,
a form of disappearing,
taking a holiday
to a tropical place,
falling at your feet
because it hurts
so bad,
"hey, this song made
me think of you,"
a melody you want
to play over again,
the sun rising
over the Mississippi,
finger tips traveling
down your back,
a canvas with
different shades of violet,
drowning in a foreign body
of water and struggling
to breathe,
conversations in a
parked car,
tears streaming
down your face
like an ocean,
freshly dried
sheets,
a warm embrace,
the twinkle in
your eyes
when you talk,
saying goodbye
when you'd
rather say hello,
a flower
that just found
the strength to
bloom,
a fall day
with a slight breeze,
the sun shining
on your skin,
realizing it's
okay to let go,
white lace on
your skin,
the strand of hair
that always falls
in your face,
apologies that came
too late,
the leaves
changing colors,
the silhouette
of the person
I thought
you were,
chasing a shadow
I'll never catch,
the sun reflecting
on the water,
a path I wish
would never end,
drinking to find
you at the end
of the glass,
a flicker of light
in the dark,
smell of coffee
in the morning,
touching hands
for the last time,
a slither of sunshine
peeking through,
a summer storm,
grief that felt
like a mountain,
drunken kisses,
driving with no
destination and
losing ourselves,
the book I never
want to finish,
the roses you gave
me withered away,
the grass turning
green again after
a long winter,
brick roads
that lead to nowhere,
restarting that song
just to hear that
part a second time,
transforming into
something I never
thought I'd become.

all kinds of love in the world
but never do you experience
the same kind of love
twice.

I like to think of me and you as
Two separate seasons
We can never be as one
Only slightly brush each other
One of us is ending
While the other is beginning

I've tried, I really have, to wrap my mind around you and who it is you are, but I really can't seem to. I've never met another person of your kind, your build, your persona. You've endured so much pain in your life so far but yet you still have your own strange personal sense of hope and I don't think anything is more beautiful. The way you make me feel like I've known you all my life, is simply unreal. You understand me better than the people I've been around for years, how do you do that? I tore the walls down for you, the walls that I usually hold up so high. I just had a feeling about you and that feeling has proven to be, right. I've always been told to go with your gut feeling. The words you speak have such a flow to them that I think I could spend an entire day listening to you talk. Your stories are fascinating and the way you put your sentences together are so delicate, but still hit hard. The amount of wisdom I can decipher through your words is unreal. You're so beyond your time. You're so honest with your emotion, you let yourself be vulnerable and you don't even care. It's impossible to not appreciate a person who lets their flaws and true emotions be visible. Now that you are a daily part of my day, it's much different...but the best feeling of different I've ever experienced.

*One day, you will be the strongest and smartest man alive. I promise.

It's almost 4 AM and you're on my mind. ****.

Someday someone will awaken your
Soul
And the sun will shine brighter
The stars will seem to dazzle more
Your world will no longer consist of
dark blues and grays
All you'll see is the brightest of purples and reds
It'll almost feel as if the world is on a whole new axis
Your whole world is twisted upside down
All because someone decided to pick up on what no one else did about
You
Love is one of the many wonders of the world
And the best thing about it is you never see the same love
Twice

Your eyes are galaxies I want to get lost in

The concept of time is weird. One minute you're fifteen and you think you know what the world is all about, but it turns out you don't. The next minute you're nineteen and trying to figure out what the hell to do with your life and how to do this "adult" thing.

Song: This Charming Man by The Smiths

Our song came on and instead of pressing skip like I usually would, I let it play and take me back to a place of me and you

like a monster
under your bed,
grief knows
where you hide.

it knows
where to go
and how to
hit you
where it hurts.

it can take
the shape
of welcoming arms
and swallow you
in one gulp.

one moment,
you are high
on the top of the mountain
and the next,
you are at
the ocean bed,
not knowing how
to swim back
to shore.

you suffer in silence
because you're not sure
anyone would get it
or even listen.
you don't let yourself cry
because you don't want
to feel the sorrow
drip down your cheek.

it's a constant battle,
trying to come to terms
with how you feel
but also not drowning
in your own feelings.

i suppose the world
doesn't owe me
anything,
but i thought
it would be
a little more fair
to me.

grief doesn't care about
who you are.
it will find you,
when you least
expect it.

grief,
we've become good friends.
you know where i hide
my secrets,
my scars,
and the things that hurt.
i never wanted you to
take up such a big part
of my life,
but alas.

i haven't overcome
you yet,
one day i will.
i'm still waiting
to make peace
with my sadness.

"You and me were always with each other before we knew the other was ever there."

The cancer
it filled you and made a home
and I wanted nothing more than for someone or something
to save you
It hurt seeing you get
more and more skinnier
You weren't you anymore
you were a skeleton
and at the age of twelve
I really didn't understand death
or the pain that comes with a loss
The should'ves would'ves and could'ves still
haunt my mind
but the worst part is that you don't know when
that day comes
when you're supposed to get in that last goodbye
I don't have a good enough memory to remember
the last moment I shared with you
but I'm sorry for not sharing enough
You weren't perfect
you yelled and sometimes got too angry
but just know that you're forgiven for your wrongs
I loved you at twelve, I love you now at nineteen
and sometimes I can still feel how empty it can be
without you
even after all this time
but I embrace the pain
because you're at least deserving of
that

A wise man I know once told me
a thing or two about death
we can spend a day in this world
or we can spend 85 years here
and somehow live the same life
when it comes down to it
it's not how much time we spend here
it's how we spend it
will you spend your life slaving away
or will you spend your life making sure the ones you love
know how widely you love them
an entire lifetime can be lived over duration of one night
time is all in our heads

I once heard
that the way you love someone can actually
change their life
so how come my love didn't even leave a
dent
nor a single scratch
was it not enough
or were you just greedy
and not content with being loved by
just me

You've planted flowers in places where I saw nothing but gray spots

The liquor that trickles down my throat makes me realize that you never truly were mine but somehow, I was yours.

like the thin air,
you slipped
between my fingertips

i tried to hold
on to you,
us, and
what we shared
together

i wanted it to
stay in tact
but there was no
use

it was all
slipping away,
i could feel
the distance
between me and you

i had to let go
of what i wanted
you to be

i was living in
a dream
and it was time
to face reality.

The fear
It crippled me
What would become of this home
After you were gone
You were always there
And then one day just like that
You weren't
I didn't want it to be
True
I wanted you back
There was so much I left
Unsaid
And what I did get to say
Just wasn't
Enough
You didn't get to know how much I loved
You
******

I was warned of the monsters
Under my bed
But I was never warned
Of the ones who could smile at you
And make you completely weak
The ones who say all the right things
At the right times
The ones who have curls in their hair that seem to have been perfectly sculpted by the
Gods
The ones who have eyes that are deep mysterious and hallow
Like the ocean
The ones who somehow can read you like
A book
The ones who tear you apart but build you up
At the same **** time
I was never warned of
You
The biggest monster of them all
You're not under my bed
Instead youre in my head
You're the monster that I'll never
Conquer

I told you what my favorite song was
And I can't really decide whether I regret it
Or not
You had never heard it before
You listened to it
And fell in love with it
But I really wish you fell in love
With me
Now every time it comes on the radio
I think of you
But I don't hate it
No I dont
That's the part that I hate the most
It was my favorite song
And now it's all about you

Life is nothing but a string of
intertwined moments
once something happens
they're all set off
do you ever get to thinking about the "what ifs" of life?
everything would all be so different
if you hadn't met the person that changed everything
the one that showed you that the world
isn't
entirely cold
what would life be like if you did give up on yourself
that night
you decided to give in to the voices in your head
believe them
you wouldn't be standing tall like you are right now
the thing is we're eighteen years old
and this moment is ours
we've experienced so much life
but then again there's so much life
ahead  of us
so many things to experience
rivers to step through
and intertwined moments
waiting for us to mess with
their formation

When you love
I want you to love
hard
I don't want you to hold back
but I also want the person you love to realize
how delicate you are
and how it feels to be loved by someone like you
Don't love someone who holds your fingers so lightly
that they can slip away at any moment
Don't love someone who doesn't take the time to understand
your worst fears and how they got there
You're like a flower and if your petals are being plucked
before you even have the chance to heal and grow
then the love isn't worth it
Your love is worth
all the stars in the sky
all of the sun's light
and all of the moons orbits
I hope you love someone who loves you softly
and pulls your hair behind your ear when you least expect it
I hope you love someone who loves your bruises
and takes the time to figure out how they got there
I hope you love someone who has kisses that are tender
as the winter's first snow fall
but most of all I hope you love someone
who makes you feel like you found
the other half of your soul

i tried to make myself
into a puzzle
you'd want to
put together

but there was no use
there was always a
piece that didn't fit
in the picture

i tried to make this
what i wanted it to be

i wanted it to be
you

but i had to let go

They say people who are up in the middle night are lonely, sad, or thinking of someone. I guess for me it's a combination of the three, but how can you miss something that was never truly yours to miss in the first place?

i'm sorry i only loved you when i was drunk

I always thought that I knew who I was and the woman I ought to be. Lately, I'm really not so sure anymore. Actually, I'm not sure of much of anything anymore. Life is weird and always changing. The only constant thing is the sky. We can always look up. The stars will always twinkle. The sun will always shine. The moon will always be a mystery. I think I was so set on a certain version of "myself" that it caused me to lose myself. I was so focused on pleasing those around me that I forgot to ask myself what it wanted.

You can't fix people
nor can you be the medicine
they need
You can't fight their demons for them
nor take their sadness
and make it into something beautiful
The pain that comes with this realization can be compared to
a dagger going through your
heart
It's heavy on the mind
but even heavier on the
heart
and you can't let yourself bear that kind of weight
alone

I like to think of the best kind of love being one that makes you feel like your favorite song does. You know the exact feeling I'm talking about... When your favorite song comes on, nothing else matters and the world stops just to feel what that song makes you feel for just that moment. When the person you love walks in the room, it's all eyes on them and you feel everything in the room stop except for that eye contact.

I find comfort
in knowing that
no matter how much I'm
hurting
or how many tears I've cried
that the stars in the sky
will always shine
the moon will let the sun
radiate throughout my days
and the sun will let the moon
glimmer at night
No pain can last forever
when that kind of beauty
surrounds us

Our song came on today and I didn't feel daggers going through my chest. What a change. I realized that there's no reason for me to putting as this emotion into you when I'm receiving nothing back. There's someone out there for me, someone who isn't you.

You found me in the dark
When I was purple and blue
But somehow it was enough for you
I was like the moon
And you were like the sunshine
Radiating your light upon my darkness
I never knew what it was like
To be chosen
To be discovered
To be picked
You saw me when everyone else refused to

I was never good at making people stay so maybe that's why you left just like everyone else. I guess I can't blame you, if I could walk away, I would too.

Yesterday was ******* all of
us
We almost lost you
and hell I don't know what I would've done if we
did
I realized how precious life really is
you were almost gone
in the blink of an eye
just
like
that

Can't say I didn't
see this
coming
but I also can't say that
fact makes it
hurt any
less

Do you love me
or do you love that fact that you know I'm always
there
I'm thinking it's the latter of the two
and man that really hurts