I'm pondering the gun
Waiting in the other room.
Is there really a difference
Between destiny and doom?

I'm a hopeless, useless cadaver.
I'm a perpetual case of blues.
If living life is winning,
Then I think I want to lose.

I wouldn't miss each wasted second,
My birthdays every year.
I don't know what my destination is,
But it must be better than here.

I've been laying on this bed for far too long
Trying to evade my thoughts with sleep.
It's time to take it into my own hands;
I'm tired of being herded like sheep.

I'm sorry to whoever has to find me,
And to he who has to dig my ditch.
But if it does something to soften the wound,
This was my only wish.

And I wonder if they'll be ashamed of me,
When in death I do abide.
Whether they'll say my death was an accident,
Or a beautiful tragic suicide.

I keep a lot of things
Inside a box under my bed
All the confessions left unspoken
All the things I never said

All the silenced "I love you"s
Every drowned out "please"
Every word I've ever swallowed
I keep them under lock and key

So every time that I seem quiet
When I refuse to make a sound
That's just me adding a new collection
To my box that will never be found

But maybe one day I'll find someone special, who really cares to see
Who will reach into my coat pocket
And find my secret key

Maybe then we'll sit together
And look at every one
I think I'll be able to talk much better
With every knot and noose undone

But I suppose that's just a dream of mine
And all these words drawn out with lead
Are just a new addition
to the box under my bed

I'm with everyone I know,
Running in our lifetime's race.
But I just can't shake this feeling
That I'm never going to place.

They all have their hearts set on something
And is it something that I have done,
To cause me to run with aimless footsteps
Simply chasing the horizon?

They're all clutching onto something,
And they put their hope in it.
But for some reason, I never seem
To be able to commit.

One by one they find their goal,
And take off sprinting away.
Leaving me in the dust,
To chase the horizon again today.

And it's not their fault, I know.
They think that I am running too.
I told them I was coming,
But I'm just watching them run through.

Why can't I see their inspiration?
Each time I think I know,
I trip and lose the thought I had.
And I'm far to tired to go.

I'm tired of having no purpose,
Just living an act of treason.
I hope they'll stop for a breath and see,
That I'm a runner without a reason.

When I was young, I decided
I ought to keep track
Of what color I felt like.
Nowadays I feel black.

My mind is this color,
And so is my heart.
Black is all you would find
If you ripped me apart.

And I am ripped apart
Every single day.
You ask me why I feel black?
You made me this way.

I was drained of my vibrance
By your very hand.
And now all that's inside me
Is black ash and sand.

Now there is one more question
I'd like to pursue.
Of all the colors you see,
Which color are you?

You're bashing my head,
Because I cut my skin.
You're leaving me for dead,
Because I didn't let you in.

You're slicing me open,
But I do that to myself.
I am not a pretty picture
You can place upon your shelf.

Well, I'm sorry that I'm burning.
Well, I'm sorry that I died.
Well, I'm sorry that you think I will run
To you if you hold your arms open wide.

I know you think that you're helping,
But honestly, you're not.
I know you wanted a perfect daughter
I'm sorry I'm what you got.

Stop trying to bandage my wounds.
Just leave my cuts and gashes.
I know you want me to rise again,
But I'm better off as ashes.

When did I become a circus lion
Performing just to receive your praise?
It is just an illusion, a practiced act,
And now the dead you think you can raise.

I've done everything you tell me to.
I've been all you tell me to be.
I've put on this show for you.
Won't you please just set me free?

The cage can't contain my hostile spirit.
This costume is harsh on my scars.
I can't spend one more day forcing joviance.
I need to be free of these bars.

Your heart is a daedal
You feel no worth in skin and bone
Your fingernails have carved your name
Into your headstone

As we sat in the shadows
Hand in hand, we walked the maze
Though my eyes had not adjusted,
This is where you spent your days.

So you knew every path and problem there,
With an intimacy I could not tell.
You led me through, though solemn,
Explaining every step as well.

Then one of your demons grabbed you,
As we reached the apogee.
You cried, and though it was darker still,
I could suddenly see.

I saw every tunnel differently
Than I had before,
And I realized why when you left the maze
your skin was always sore.

So I tried to take your demons
But as I tried, your skin would split.
And I realized your demons are part of you
As you are part of it.

And I feel I should be your deliverer,
But I don't know what to do.
How can I defeat your darkness
When your darkness is part of you?

I have this room inside my mind,
A room my mind can't bear to face.
Behind my face it hides behind,
So I can bear another day.

Each day the door tries to undo,
And I must shut the door anew.
Today has come.

I tell it, "Stay."
And I try to run away.
But the room,
It's my doom.
It's my tomb.
And in that room my mind will lay.

From the room come the yells,
All the secrets I won't tell.
All the thoughts I fought,
that brought me down.
They tried to ****.
I locked them in a cell.

But their yells, they are so loud.
I tried to fly away on a cloud.

But their yells melted the air,
And I fell away from there.

Now I'm far away from home,
And I think that I'm alone.
But the yells, I am their home.

And I say,
"You killed me dead,
Inside my head.
So stop the yelling,
Chew on my bones."

I'm screaming.
I'm crying.
I'm burning.
I'm dying.
Does nobody hear my plea?

I'm drowning.
I'm bleeding.
I'm choking.
I'm needing.
Does nobody even remember me?

They're laughing.
They're dancing.
They're singing.
They're prancing.
They don't see me dying alone.

They're happy.
I'm not.
They'll thrive.
I'll rot.
My pain will remain unknown.

I know a girl who's hurting,
But you don't see her cry or pout.
In fact, you'd never know it was her
Unless I pointed her out.

She tries so hard to keep on smiling,
To hide her noose and gun.
But inside, I know she's dialing
Her depression's 911.

All that you can see her as
Is happy, skinny, tall.
But long before you knew her,
Her hopes had begun to fall.

There's still some left of what she was.
Independent, Loving, and Strong.
But there's only so much you can do to cope,
When you've been so sad for so long.

You'd never know she cuts herself
For every sorrow she keeps.
You'd never know that every night,
She cries herself to sleep.

You still think she's so happy?
You haven't reached your goal.
Instead of listening to the stories she tells,
Try listening to her soul.

I'm beginning to believe
That happiness is just an illusion.
While in the moment you may smile,
When it fades, it leaves behind confusion.

Tell me, why do we blow bubbles
When they burst in seconds few?
You can't change the color of the sky, my dear.
It will always, always be blue.

And even while you're smiling,
There's this ever-rising flood.
Reminding you of your pain and despair
And that you'll always turn back to blood.

I'm hearing voices in my mind,
Replaying loved ones loving me.
But as I begin to find those thoughts,
They turn their backs and flee.

Why do we struggle at the top of the water?
Wouldn't it be easier to sink?
At least if the water consumes you,
Then you won't be forced to think.

I'm drowning in an ocean
But the water tastes so sweet.
It's not that far around me
But miles beneath my feet.

Everyone is walking on their own bridges,
But their bridges have never been wet.
Their hands are outstretched
and calling my name.
How could they all forget?

"You're the one who pushed me in!"
I yell, as water fills my throat.
As I sink I'm offered one of two things;
A set of gills or a float.

I'm used to being wet now;
Is drowning such a crime?
There's nothing for me at the surface
But resuming my job as a mime.

See, my misery is my harmony,
So if I can learn to breathe in the sea,
Refuse to think, let myself sink,
This might be able to work for me.

So stop putting all your hands out.
Please, you might fall in too.
I've learned to love the water
But the water might not love you.

I love you, Mother, Father, Lover.
I'm sorry for all that I've done.
I know that this may hurt you,
But I'd rather swim than run.

The merchant taps his toes impatiently
And tells me now to pick.
But he should know how this goes by now;
Goodbyes are never quick.

I shed a tear for my friends and family.
I think of every song that I've ever sung.
"I don't want either," I tell him.
And the water fills my lungs.

These cannot be my hands.
They've killed too many men.
This cannot be my skin
That's been cut time and time again.

I glance at my reflection,
Then turn my face in shame.
Who is this freak show looking back at me,
Who tells me I'm to blame?

Whose blood is dried upon my hands,
This dirt across my cheek?
Whose gun is this that shot down lives,
Women, children, men and meek?

Whose words are these upon my tongue,
**** like soured wine?
Whose clothes are these upon my chest?
Surely they cannot be mine?

Whose sins are these, the dark and many
That fill an entire sea?
With narrowed eyes, I realize
These sins belong to me.

Terrors chase me out of sleep in disguise
I sit in darkness fiddling with my thumbs
All the while hoping that the sun won't rise
And that morning will never come

Soon the sky starts to bleed
And the horizon is covered in slaughter
But as soon as these tears have the strength to fall
The blood melts into water

And I realize the sky had turned blue
As I was sitting there in fright
And I realize I can either embrace the day
Or I can spend the rest of my life
Chasing the night

But I haven't made up my mind
Because night is the only place I'll ever belong
I'm a stranger to the light
I live through the day in a montage
of a sad song

Even though daytime reigns
There is still darkness in my mind
Maybe that's why I love night so much
Even though every morning
it leaves me behind

I spend the day clutching pictures of the stars and moon
Just waiting for them to come
And I know they'll leave much too soon
But maybe this time I'll go
where they come from

And I wish I would never sleep again
So I could spend every second enjoying the dark
I convince myself that it's good for me
But even the darkness leaves its marks

You're right.
The world's not black anymore.
But it's still looking grey.

Okay.
It isn't night anymore.
But it surely isn't day.

The world isn't upside down anymore.
But I'm still not looking straight.

The door isn't locked up tight anymore.
But it's still a locked up gate.

I might not be standing still anymore,
But I'm still not ready to run.

My finger isn't on the trigger anymore.
But I haven't put down my gun.

You may not see me cry anymore.
But you still don't see me grin.

No, I'm not shutting you out anymore.
But I'm still not letting you in.

I'm shaking hands with the darkness.
And I'm shaking hands with the light.

But I can't let go of either,
Or they'll see each other and fight.

Don't assume that
Because I don't sink anymore,
That I must be flying.

Just because I'm not dead anymore,
Doesn't mean that I'm not dying.

I'm the ghost of a girl who used to be
Always smiling, happy and free.

A girl who loved to talk and play.
But slowly, that girl went away.

I don't know where that girl has gone,
She just disappeared beyond the dawn.

She left me behind, to take her place
Because we have the same body and face.

But nobody else can really see
The difference between that girl and me.

Each laugh I fake is weaker,
The smiles I give are fewer.

And you don't notice.

Because you knew of that girl,
But you never really knew her.

Yesterday, I smiled.
All my worries fled.
Today they came back to **** me.
Tonight, I fear, I bled.

Why do I bother with laughter
When all that water will drain?
I can do it myself.
I can substitute laughter with pain.

Don't tell me to quit my moping.
You don't know what I'm crying about.
You know, part of me is still hoping
That someone will figure it out.

Then I remember, I'm on my own now.
So I guess I'll be bleeding alone.
No more dreaming of sleeping in someone's arms,
My pain and my tears are my own.

Submerged in darkness.
Submerged in pain.
Submerged in loneliness.
Submerged in self-gain.

Submerged in nothing.
Submerged in a flood.
Submerged in everything.
Submerged in blood.

Submerged in water.
Submerged in dust,
Submerged in profanity.
Submerged in lust.

And I ask, as I sit here,
submerged in sin,
"Isn't there something better
To submerge myself in?"

I used to paint the pictures
That I saw in my mind
Each day was a treasure
I'd rush to open and find

Splashes of color
Sunrises and birds
Back when art was a language
That I preferred over words

Now trying to get
Some thoughts off my back
I painted a picture
My canvas turned black

No textures or patterns
were there in my head
Words are all I have now
The artist is dead.

I don't know how
To win this fight
Where nothing's wrong
But nothing's right

I feel no pride
I feel no shame
Just endlessly trying
To finish the game

I don't know how
To win this fight
Where nothing's black
And nothing's white

Just a million shades
Of lifeless grey
No victories
From day to day

I don't know how
To win this fight
Where nothing's dark
And nothing's light

No sight, no sound,
No taste, no feeling
A world without damage
A world without healing

All hope I once had
Is out of sight
I'm battling inside
My woeful plight

I don't know how
To win this fight
Please help me
Just to end the night.

A room that's set in monochrome
A girl who sees it as her home
She hates it here but even so
A way to leave she does not know

West, North, East, South
Are painted black. Below her mouth
Is white, above is white
No doors, no windows so she stays there day and night

But the girl, she doesn't move
In the floor she finds a groove
To run her fingers up and down
Numbly, numbly, no she doesn't make
a sound

A droplet falls upon her head
She cries and wishes she were dead
Because she knows what is to come
All the water, like a gun

All the water, fills the room
She drowns, she dies
When she comes to
The water's gone
The room is black and snow
She sits again inside her home

A room that's set in monochrome

A line is stretched across a chasm.
Beneath me is all black.
The line is bright and shining,
And there is no looking back.

One foot in front of the other
Is just the way to win.
Any variation,
And you might risk falling in.

"Set your eyes on the other side."
"We'll keep the door from locking."
Well, that's just fine and dandy,
If you want to keep on walking.

Heavy rain is falling down,
Making my foot slip.
I put extra care in every step,
But it makes for a longer trip.

Now the winds will start to blow.
The worst winds of its kind.
Threatening to push me off,
Forming doubts inside my mind.

Now the whispers, rising up
From the chasm, they crawl out.
Telling me terrible, saddening things
That reinforce my doubt.

The wind, the rain, and the whispers.
They chill me to the bone.
I take one last look at the dimming horizon,
And I leap into the darkness below.