I haven't produced anything in the longest because I've just been drowning in my thoughts, but this time I decided to write until the song was over. I could do it and just think of nothing in particular. I could release the words and watch them dance in formation while nothing happened in my head... But the sound stopped and I got worried because I realized I don't have anything to say. Where did all the words go? Why was I so afraid of living without a voice?

I welcome this world that's falling into pieces beginning from the folds of lightly worn creases breaking apart until all hope collides with all that's left of our old lives. Finally as the cloud of dust trails through the air I begin reconstruction through the rubble's despair. I find pieces of you, next to pieces of hope, and the dirtiest spots next to boxes of soap. Continuing my search through all that remains I find small pieces of cracked picture frames. Frames that had smiles and memories of before of pictures of happiness that I've grown to abhor. With emotions rushing toward I relent from sadness understanding that accompanied by denial is madness I must hold on to the truth that lies beneath the lies of the truth that once lie in your eyes. Understanding now of what all this means I proceed through the life that lies beneath the beams. The beams of foundation that once held me high, high with a smile that lit up the sky. I search and I search for the one thing I need to rid me of this memory and just set me free and there it was in a corner of it's own, a maker of light that can now freely roam. With a flick of my wrist I ignite the light with lights orange and yellow of lights burning bright I walk away feeling the heat of the past burning away the memory of a destroyed world at last.

It's just a glass of scotch! It might as well be water.
I drink it just like a four year old drinks a Capri-
no, a Juice Box.
I don't want it on the rocks, I take it neat, like my room.
See? It's just like milk! Do you drink milk with ice?
It's not illegal, and if you don't believe me take a look at the box
It says it's been aged 21 years, and my other at 25!
My scotch is so old it gets discounted car insurance like your mom did however many hundreds of years ago it was.
It's just scotch so stop whining about it.
Actually, that gives me a great idea,
I'll go drink wine. Happy?

I laid there overwhelmed by feeling and emotion, and felt the excess being released onto my face only to be wiped away
It was rather unexpected
the unexpected burst of the dam that was trusted to do only one job
I didn't mind though
You didn't mind though
You heard the shallow breaths
You heard the deep sighs...

It's okay
It's okay
Baby, it's okay

I breathed
I relaxed
I repaired the dam with the three words you gave me

I love you

The three words that would be all I would ever need

all I would ever need

To be an afterthought, manifested as a shrug then BOOM forgot.
Well, forgotten.
Forgotten about when you wanted to do something more worth doing, or maybe worth talkin' about.
The pain shot through the heart, and left an open would in my chest, but writhing here felt like a place I could finally rest.
If I was worth remembering,  worth the top spot at the front of your brain, maybe then I'd be worth your attention, like the homeless when it rains.
I just didn't want to be an afterthought, because now that all there was to think is thought you're the only thought that's left, and I hate thinking you've forgotten me as I come to my last breath.

Be.
Just be.
Please, just be.
You need to be.
All you want to be .
If you choose not to be.
That will leave none left to be.
Everything only you were ultimately born to be.

I first saw you beneath a cotton candy colored sky, and life had never been sweeter.


The sun fell swiftly beyond the buildings caressing the tips of the sky and gave room for the stars to play.


I first saw you beneath a cotton candy colored sky, and life has been sweeter ever since.

Resonating like harmonics through the air from a grand piano run your words telling me you love me, you miss me, you need me, but never goodbye.

Waiting for the music to begin after a grand pause I sat in front of the colors, realizing everything was indeed black and white. I began to tell my story. The music filled the air but died immediately and fell from the sky upon deaf ears.

Bewildered faces of all who were awaiting the music scattered the room. Nervously I began again only this time was louder than before. Adding new twists and turns and free moments of my life's cadence I released more than I ever desired for anyone to hear and still nothing. As the walls pilfered the sounds all who awaited began to lose patience.

Immediately I regretted even sitting and beginning but it was too late. To arise and leave a shadow was all that was left. Eyes forward,  I departed bringing along a new emptiness which accompanied me down the stairs lying below my dead words.

No sooner than I reached the last step did ghost notes sing through the air followed by applause. Then was my biggest mistake, I turned around.

In an old...
wallet
box
attic
was an old faded photograph of a photographer.
Meant to be...
left alone
put to rest
forgotten
it was since then brought back by nostalgia and the impossible life that was now to be lived without you.
You liked to be...
behind
smiling through
holding the camera
as you were the photographer but not this time, as you were the photographed...
In front of
smiling at
holding a pose
while I became the photographer, photographing you, the freshly captured photographer in the faded photograph.
In an old...
dream
heart
memory
you never faded but remained the still whole of a perfect silhouette.
The perfect photographer preserved in the perfectly faded photograph for...
love
life
forever.

Have you ever thought about falling in love with a poet?
It's such a simple notion because they too are people just like you
but the ability to constantly immortalize
Is that not attractive?
If you fall in love with a poet
alive you'll be for eternity
in a world that you
never could imagine
but one that they imagined you in.
It's a simple thought and a simple attraction that made an intricate
impact on their lives.
You are the reason they write
the reason that they can so innately describe what it is to be in love.
It's nice, isn't it?
To fall asleep knowing that this person is still awake writing about
how much more they're going to love you the next day.
Writing about the moment that you first caught their eye
the moment that they knew you too loved them.
Falling in love with a poet is a guaranteed way to live forever in their mind
to be the muse that they'll always use
to be the one person they'll never abuse.
Falling in love with a poet would be the adventure to end all
because in every word you would exist through 6 or 7 lifetimes.
So fall in love with a poet
because not only will their words convince
they're guaranteed to show it.

I read them over and over... Those few words you said to me.
They almost seemed to be enough, but for how long would it hold me over?
Is it enough to keep the thought of you alive in the back of my mind or enough to keep the thought of us a distant memory of something that never came to past?
I read them over and over again; Those words.
Forward and backward... All saying the same things.
You are glad I'm here and you know I'll stay.
Yet you keep floating away.
What's to happen next seems deadly complex when they're truthfully simple.
So simple just for you to say I want to stay. I want to stay forever until I no longer can.
I want to hold on to you forevermore...until my bones themselves desiccate.
And I'd reply saying to you I’ll hold on like I once did when the mere thought of you was enough.
Like I did those words I once read over and over; forward and backward.

I was swimming beneath the ocean, the silence providing my comfort, the break acting as my disguise, the waves standing guard
Finally, I was able to think, to really think about the world that was spinning, the time that was ticking, and my heart that was beating
The fish swam past me wondering why I was holding my breath in agony when I could just swim to the surface and breathe again, but they were never going to understand, because time doesn't exist to them.
Time doesn't exist to them
Time doesn't exist to them
Time doesn't exist to them
it all made sense as the water continued taunting me submitting to the current, and the seconds of air remaining in my lungs swam away safely to the surface
The shackles of time are a prison of our own creation, and we waste our lives swimming in our existence trying to unders
-
-
-

Well, I saw a shooting star last week-
    it hardly matters though-
        I kissed a shooting star before bed last night.
Oh yeah! I watched the sunset during dinner a couple weeks ago-
    that's nothing special though-
        I had dinner with a sunset earlier this week.
I opened my window to watch the sunrise this morning-
    I yawned from boredom, but can you blame me?-
        I awoke in bed with the sunrise that very day.
Oh, and before the end of my summer I saw the 7 wonders of the world-
    Personally, I thought that was a waste of time-
        Not their fault though, there's actually an 8th one and it's all mine.

I think it's stupid that you're gone, and the stars are still around. Every night I can look to the stupid sky and see the shimmering light from too many stupid years ago but I can't see you.
I think it's stupid that I told someone how angry this made me, and they were stupid enough to say, "maybe they're up there too." I've never made anyone feel that stupid with a look before.
I think it's stupid that you're gone but the stupid voicemail you left me saying, "I love you" is still around and you're nowhere to be found.
I think it's stupid that there are still phone booths, crayons and wite-out on this stupid paradoxical planet, but not something people still want around.
I think it's stupid that...
I just think it's so stupid that I let you tell me that you'd always be here for me, because I knew I was stupid enough to believe you if I ever became stupid enough to let you say it to me.
I think it's stupid that I let you drive to me that night knowing how dangerous the stupid black ice was going to be to your stupid blue car.
I think it's stupid that you loved me enough, to be stupid enough to drive here in the first place.
But really, ultimately,  I think it's just so **** stupid that I was stupid enough to watch them bury you under six-feet of stupid Earth, and not say goodbye.




I'm sorry I'm stupid.

I thought I could beat it.
I thought I was better than it.
I wasn't. I was only human.
I fought for a day I promised myself would come, because I was ready to be invincible. That idea, the innocent, unchanging, unbreakable idea that I created in my head was the realist thing I had ever known. The idea of something flawless, pristine, and timeless was the perfect constant to an ever-changing variable. Only one thing could ever crush something as unbreakable as an idea, and that was the idea itself coming to life.
Willing itself into a reality I couldn't control, it appeared in a body, in a name, and in the eyes of someone I had never known. It was there, but it felt different. I became an invincible vessel to a vulnerable outcome. My greatest weakness became the idea I had once hoped would make me indestructible. Instead, I found myself a slave to the hope I hoped would enslave the fear of being forgotten.
I found myself human.
Better, battered, beaten, but never broken I became invincibly vulnerable.
Finally, I knew I could beat it.
I knew I was better than it, because I indeed was human.
Beautifully, yet impossibly human.

Humanity is a fickle thing, but it's impossible to feel otherwise. Inescapably, regrettably, powerlessly human in every moment of my life except when I'm with you. With you I'm a whirlwind of contradiction; just as hot and cold meet I live uncontrollably in my own head, spinning and whirling trying to feel normal again. When I'm with you I feel unbreakable without a single weakness in sight until you're all I see. The one thing making me an unstoppable force destroyed by you, the unmovable object. When I love you I'm powerless and lost just like every other fool humanity has destroyed , but I can't be beaten. I find myself parading aimlessly in your perfect presence feeling vulnerable with your hand around my heart to crush or to massage. You're the only exception to the only constant in my life making me feel impossibly yet unstoppably human.

I lived inside a hope that was birthed inside a promise
that was meant to last beyond when time had forgotten us

In security I breathe the same breath you used to cherish
while hoping in my arms was where you would perish

Now here we are alas and the whole is back to halves
creating a devastating fork splitting our two paths

Only left to wonder where without me you roam
my feet began to wander to a place we called home

Wander to the home I still envision your standing silhouette
staring below at my cold shadow immersed in the tears that I wept.

It was just a normal day that we happened to be together. Your hand in mine; us side by side and then you broke away. You broke away to stare at something from far away so it wouldn't be self conscious of you peering into its soul. You stood there looking so intently at something I couldn't
see. I couldn't see what you perceived for I couldn't believe that there was something you saw that I couldn't conceive. So I stopped...I smiled and I took a picture. I took this picture of you staring in the distance with this half acquired smile... a moment in time that I would be sure to keep with me forever. The moment penetrated my soul ever so deeply that I decided to keep the picture somewhere it could affect even the ground I walk on. I keep the picture in my sole.... In the sole of my shoe so no matter where I go I'm walking with you.

I went out to watch the sunset, but I couldn't get myself to focus for the fear in the eyes of the sky was shimmering knowing that their light was fleeting. Feeling empathy for the sky and myself knowing why, I ran. I began to run and run, through the pain and the fire in my lungs I ran. I ran to save the sky, to give them one last chance, one last time for a last goodbye. I ran through the black to beautiful shades of pink and orange. I ran oh I ran to save the sky from emptiness and sadness because I couldn't save myself from a similar fate. I ran until I made it to watch the sky give its final goodbye. This time I let it happen because the sky seemed prepared and I remembered something very important. Although some nights seem longer than others they do not last for always and as it departed once before will it eventually return just the same.

After all this time you quite possibly remain my favorite thing.

Your words...
Your smile...
Your eyes...
Your laugh...
Your hair...
Your voice...
Your hands...

After all this time you definitely still are my favorite thing.

I'm sick of not being able to write.
I'm sick of meaningless violence in the world.
I'm sick of people needing someone to blame.
I'm sick of meaningless debates.
I'm sick of pettiness in the human race.
I'm sick of people not supporting each other.
I'm sick of people wishing others to be held back.
I'm sick of my friends dying.
I'm sick of money.
I'm sick of the presidential election.
I'm sick of these pretend Poli-sci majors.
I'm sick of humans disagreeing with each other just because they can.
I'm sick of my TV show's being cancelled.
I'm sick of negativity being the way of the world.
I'm sick of the people I love being unwilling to take a chance.
I'm sick of To Keep You Alive being unpublished.
I'm sick of being stuck on Keep Me Alive.
I'm sick of death.

Please, I implore you do not come any closer.
Now is the time I must sleep for I've used all of my energy sleeping. I'm not sleeping because I'm tired but to tame the parasite living within me feeding on the joy emitted from all around me. Please, I must be alone!
I must be alone to think about what it is that has made me this way, what it is that has taken this day and made it into a perpetual night. I must be alone because I owe that to all of you. Every one of you convincing yourself that I'm worth the time to convince that your sympathy for me is convincing. You must understand that there is nothing that you can do, nothing that you can say to alter the prison I've surrounded the joy in my heart with. The prison made of my darkest memories, my longest nights, and my loneliest days; The prison guarded by sentries of lies told centuries past that have slithered their way past histories grasp. Here must I lie alone. Here behind the bars of my truth alone I must lie in my loneliness to decidedly die alone. So let me sleep. Please, you must not cry. Here in my obligatory solitude is where I find my peace, so please let me sleep.

If hope can change a life, why are you still sitting?

I kept staring at the ceiling fan reminding me of a dog chasing its tale, but the breeze relieved me. It kept me from sweating as your heart pounded in my ear begging me to answer your question.
I knew the answer you wanted, but I couldn't give it to you could I?
I spent so much time focusing on the one I lost, so much time knowing that she was the girl of my dreams that I was afraid to wake up.
As long as I stayed asleep I didn't have to live in a world where she didn't walk next to me every day.
Your eyes were burning a hole in my face.
So I burnt a hole in the ceiling fan.
Wishing and hoping it would take me away like a propeller on a helicopter.
Same concept right?
I wasn't going to escape this question that there was no right answer to.
You asked again maybe thinking I didn't hear you, but I heard you clearly both times when you said, "I love you."

Maybe it's time to forget about it all-
to forget about all of the things I felt when it was only you.
To forget because it's all still there, and I don't know what to do about it. I can feel it burning through my eyeballs toward every person that catches my stare, and projecting toward them an unwanted story of how I fell in love with no chance to stay afloat. I still hear the Aria of which is your song still ringing in my ears rendering me deaf to every song my heart would love to sing, every other my heart would love to hear. My mouth still fights to lose your name that was so frequently upon my lips. I find it still moves in silence mimicking the same patterns and forms through the muscle memory I procured from each time I would call your name the way you loved so much. When I sit alone and inhale the still and the quiet through my nostrils I swear I still feel your touch, and the way your fingers would dance and glide along my skin. I never knew my senses would come to betray me as much as the present had allowed, and I found there is nothing more I can do than forget. I feel I am better with the thoughts of you, better with the after images that your presence left behind. But here I will start again, and if a monster I become may I hope to be mute, deaf, unsightly, blind, and hopelessly awaiting to step off the cliff in to the fathomless abyss that is your love once again.

"Why? Why do you love me so much? Why won't you just let me go?" She stared at me while wiping away her tears. I couldn't tell if she was frustrated because she was crying or if she was frustrated at me. It seemed silly to get mad at someone for loving you, but there was a fifty-fifty chance that it was happening right now.

I reached out my hand lead by the extended tip of my index, driving away the tears beading around her eyes so she could see me clearly when I said, "one day I'm going to die, and I'm going to hate myself for that because I'll no longer be able to love you. So I love you with the unrelenting fervor I bring because if I had it my way, I would never have to stop."

I sat there wasting away in my car, because I remembered when I had done this with you.
I had just gotten home, and my ear was to the phone, smiling widely at this dream come true.
Your voice was like music bellowing through the speaker coupled with the most angelic tones.
Now I sit reminiscing, wandering and remembering while roaming looking for new homes.
Sunsets are pointless and the rises are stupid since you they all neglect to include.
I belong in your life, and the same goes for you, but I'm not bold enough to intrude.
So sit in your car after a long drive home, laughing as your legs can't bend,
and I'll be here too, with lost thoughts of you hoping this paralysis would end.

Let's take a chance on that-one-thing you dreamed of once. It frightens you because you can't quite remember that-one-thing and the ellipsis leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. Three periods, following the leader in silence leaving so much to be feared. The doubt, the darkness, the cliff leading to an abyss of nothingness all from three meaningless periods. That-one-thing is drilled into your brain like faded words on a street sign. In that dream you remember the feelings, but you can't put a finger on that-one-thing and what it was. You long for it, you hope to dream of it once again but you continue to fall asleep to an unaccompanied darkness of your own inner self. Like a dream journal you told me the bits and pieces of your half remembered night with myself and that-one-thing, and your tone - your excitement had never been matched. You think to yourself that if you could only find the end again you would be ready, but again the ellipsis haunts you and forces you to sleep through the moments that could have meant something until you finally remember the name of that-one-thing.

Oh how I wish you wouldn’t persist to make my insides miserable. To make them wish that they could run away, away to the day they no longer ache from loneliness and pain. You are a discovered conclusion to the realest illusion of a happy life. Something to help me continue the elusion of the friendly knife. Frightening enough the knife seems more a friend than you since it’s mission of finding me a happy end is true. Drawing me closer and closer while growing more enticing by the moment it prepares to seize the opportunity in hopes to own it. I reach toward you since you’re the obvious choice but that’s the part that’s crazy... Happiness is the desire but remains so lazy while death constantly courts us. How long can we all continue to await love and deny our arranged marriage?

Do you think about me?
I know that things are different now, and I might just be another person to you, but I need you to understand that you are the reason that I'm here.
You are the reason that I feel strongly about anything let alone love itself.
So please, do you think about me? Is this something that still feels reachable in your head?
I think about all of the time we spent together in those white sheets under the blue comforter, and I want to cry but can't help but smile.
I can still feel the way you used to hold me, the way you used to smile at me when I sang to you.
I remember them all; I can feel them all.
It feels like I died two months ago when you got in that accident because I'm not in your head anymore, but with every heartbeat that lives without your echo I'm reminded that I'm alive and suffering without you here.
So tell me, do you think about me?

It’s cold outside and the leaves have taken refuge in the tall untrimmed grass. Night comes quicker and the sun works part-time these days. Inside, the three brothers fluctuate the heat just enough to stay warm and keep their wallets trimmed at the same time. They were running around finalizing the last parts of The Holiday. The Holiday fell on a Wednesday and they were ready for the best time of the year.

6:29 PM was what the time read on every clock with the exception of the clock in the bathroom which ran ahead 4 minutes to ensure promptness. They would be here in seconds. With last mirror checks they ran to the living room awaiting the knocks on the door.

6:30

PM Only one knock came through from result of the eagerness of the eldest, two young ladies walked through one after the other. Hugs were given all around but kisses only exchanged between 4. It was time to leave but one guest was still missing.

6:42 PM

five are in attendance awaiting the sixth, four of them restless and the other worried. Figuring a reasonable amount of time has passed since call number 2 he then redials the phone contact, “My Love” and puts the phone to his ear. On the other end a cell phone is ringing somewhere with the caller ID “Him <3” but again no answer. Pacing the room now brother 2 of 3 is beginning to lose composure despite the comforting words of his 4 companions. Prepping to call again, his phone rings and is answered before the melody on his phone began. It was her.

Gleaming with relief and joy number 2 answers with a bright and hopeful, “hello” followed by a confused, “Yes I am.” His brothers and their beautifully dressed guests watch hopelessly as they realize it’s not who it is supposed to be. The phone now away from his face the receiver is asking in the room if he was still on the line. Sinking to the earth but caught by the floor he dropped the phone.

6:53 PM

Eleven minutes later they arrived at the scene of the accident ... Glass sparkles from a mixture of the newly fallen snow and the lights from the emergency sirens. Running toward the stretcher where she laid lifeless the downcast officer tried to restrain the inconsolable young man. When he reached her he grabbed her hand repeatedly saying her name and imploring her to come back. it was when he began kissing her bloodied and torn hands that they lost him forever. Kissing her hand in hopes to revive his lost love did he then come upon the diamond engagement ring he given her the day before, only hours prior to the last time he would have heard her say I love you, or anything for that matter.

As the man hit the ground his brothers were there immediately at his side as they watched the ambulance drive off, taking her further and further away from him on the last holiday he would ever remember.

6:59 PM

I just stood there watching from feet away floating in a time that was once my own, and watching a moment form before me that I burned into my memory. I watched a much younger version of myself sitting with you in all of your perfect imperfections. I wanted to talk to you again, to hear your voice be directed toward me for one last time, but I knew that was something that I could not do for I had already had my moment. If I intervened everything could change, and I would be stealing away precious time from a younger me that would never be ready for anything shorter than forever with you. Instead, I kept my safe distance and watched as the two of you got up from our bench that we spent hours on talking or just sitting in silence. The look on his face-the look on my face was a priceless glance as the two of you walked with interlocked hands in a silence as perfect as a symphony. You then seemed to notice something out of the corner of your eye as you began to glance toward my direction. I drew back at first before remembering that I was not something that could be seen by you, but merely a ghost in time. You broke away from his hand and you continued toward where I floated, and you just stared right at me as if you could see me-as if you could feel me. With your half acquired smile I finally felt like I was home again, and I watched the younger version of me capture a perfect picture of you. With that I was once again in our old attic, holding that old photo, that was taken that old day, imprinting a forever timeless love. A love that would live on in my soul for...
love
life
**forever.

In My Sole
It was just a normal day that we happened to be together. Your hand in mine-us side by side, and then you broke away. You broke away to stare at something from far away so it wouldn't be self conscious of you peering into its soul. You stood there looking so intently at something I couldn't see. I couldn't see what you perceived for I couldn't believe that there was something you saw that I couldn't conceive. So I stopped...I smiled and I took a picture. I took this picture of you staring in the distance with this half acquired smile... a moment in time that I would be sure to keep with me forever. The moment penetrated my soul ever so deeply that I decided to keep the picture somewhere it could affect even the ground I walk on. I keep the picture in my sole... In the sole of my shoe so no matter where I go I'm walking with you.




Faded Photograph of a Photographer
In an old...
wallet
box
attic
was an old faded photograph of a photographer.
Meant to be...
left alone
put to rest
forgotten
it was since then brought back by nostalgia and the impossible life that was now to be lived without you.
You liked to be...
behind
smiling through
holding the camera
as you were the photographer but not this time, as you were the photographed...
In front of
smiling at
holding a pose
while I became the photographer, photographing you, the freshly captured photographer in the faded photograph.
In an old...
dream
heart
memory
you never faded but remained the still whole of a perfect silhouette.
The perfect photographer preserved in the perfectly faded photograph for...
love
life
forever.




The Imprint
I just stood there watching from feet away floating in a time that was once my own, and watching a moment form before me that I burned into my memory. I watched a much younger version of myself sitting with you in all of your perfect imperfections. I wanted to talk to you again, to hear your voice be directed toward me for one last time, but I knew that was something that I could not do for I had already had my moment. If I intervened everything could change, and I would be stealing away precious time from a younger me that would never be ready for anything shorter than forever with you. Instead, I kept my safe distance and watched as the two of you got up from our bench that we spent hours on talking or just sitting in silence. The look on his face-the look on my face was a priceless glance as the two of you walked with interlocked hands in a silence as perfect as a symphony. You then seemed to notice something out of the corner of your eye as you began to glance toward my direction. I drew back at first before remembering that I was not something that could be seen by you, but merely a ghost in time. You broke away from his hand and you continued toward where I floated, and you just stared right at me as if you could see me-as if you could feel me. With your half acquired smile I finally felt like I was home again, and I watched the younger version of me capture a perfect picture of you. With that I was once again in our old attic, holding that old photo, that was taken that old day, imprinting a forever timeless love. A love that would live on in my soul for...
love
life
forever.

The issue lies not in you being gone but in the fact that you're away.
In seeing your smile it became transfixed in my brain and became something that one could only hope to see every time the sun brought a new set of hours to life.

The issue lies not on the decision you made to go but in the mystery of whether you'll return. I could live without you, please that you must believe, but what fun or momentary enjoyment would it be to constantly dance outside in the rain if never with a partner.

The issue lies not in the few days we spent together but in the plentiful seconds I knew who you were. Every word, gesture, movement and expression resonated in my head reminding me of the day I was born without the rest of me in hopes to find it.

The issue lies in the fact that there is no issue after all is there?
If you're the issue, we'll find the answer.
If time is the issue, we'll watch the clock together.
If we're the issue, it's the world that is mistaken.

I tried sleeping it off, but I often found myself stuck in a dream transitioning to a nightmare.
I tried not sleeping at all, but even the smallest occurences brought you to my eyes.
I tried writing, but even the purest words were tainted by your memory.
I tried loving again, but once a house collapses there is no room where there are no rooms.
I tried everything I could think of to cure the ailment I once thought you were brought upon to expel.
I tried everything until I finally tried everything.
I truly am sorry I couldn't fight it any longer, but the days were too long, and the thoughts were too plenty.
Please think not of it as my quitting, but as your winning.
For this day forward, my beloved, I shall feel no pain.
Goodnight to you for the last, My Last, and may your life be the sweetest dream I forever hoped for you.

I looked in her eyes after I kissed her-
the moment before I died.
I saw the light that everyone talks about.
You know, the whole, "life flashed before my eyes light."
You and I were in our budding teenage years-
you 14, and I 16.
It was the day I said, "bye" before you left school,
and I chased after you to say what I meant to say-
I love you.
I saw my family standing around smiling at some-
Oh. It was us-
Well-
mostly focused on you-
everyone was looking down at your hand.
I saw you and I saying what appeared to be a temporary goodbye-
being ushered away by our respective best friends was the last thing I saw until-
I saw you-
I saw your face-
I saw your eyes shimmering in the natural light of the setting sun.
I kissed you-
Well I guess I kissed her-
Well he kissed her-
Now I say to you-
Here's to the new light to flash-
the new us to live
the new memories to make-
to an adventure far greater than the, "death do us part"
part.

I'm surrounded by silence and no one willing to hear me out.
I hear the singing of birds, the dancing of trees and the cries of laughter.
Oh how I long to sing back, itch to dance along and cry to laugh.
But, alas I have no one I can do these things with...
I am alone

Don't get me wrong, I am honored to be the chosen one out of my lifeless brothers and sisters, to have the opportunity to feel, but can anyone help me find a point in being different-
in feeling if I feel alone.

Every now and then some of my cells venture off bravely in exploration of someone I can call a friend, but lately they seem to be, I don't know...
mad at me...
They-
They keep destroying parts of me and replacing them with cheap prosthetic's.
I just wish they liked me more-
I wish they'd just let me be enough-
I just wish they'd take care of me...

Anyway, maybe one day they'll come back with good news, but until then I'll just be alone.

Today the sun came up but had no effect on me so I stayed asleep. In my sleep my dreams of which were pleasant were accompanied by you. You were finally with me. There came a point that my consciousness became aware that it was all a dream but in trade for three nightmares for this one dream he reluctantly allowed me to remain asleep.
       It was just as I imagined it would be except for the strange lack of dialogue. Well I should say that there was a lack of dialogue from your end. I was just going on and on, talking to you like any other person would to the literal girl of his dreams. You would hear every word, sometimes you would even smile and let out a silent laugh. Out of the corner of my eye I would catch you gazing at me like you were falling deeper and deeper in love with me completely unable to fight it. As we continued walking you reached for my hand, and as I went in to grab yours I went right through just as one would if trying to high-five a projected image. I couldn't understand what could possibly be happening.
       Shocked and seeming afraid you began to panic and I began to fade. Unaware of what was happening from your perspective I just watched as you frantically tried to get my attention through your flailing waves and cryptic signs. It all changed when you began to tear up...
        At first it sounded like a faint whisper and then it grew louder and louder until you were shouting. Between your sobs you were saying, "please don't go, don't leave me... Without you here I will not be able to fight fading away from myself and I am terrified of being nothing and being lost with you not here to find me. Without you here I am nothing but a soul searching for a home that became transparent in the daylight."
       We both stood there and stared as I continued to fade and then it happened.
       "I'm sorry for treating you like something I could live without." You said as if they were your last words, and then it all grew quiet and I woke up...

*Message Sent

I learned to live loosely, lovingly and loudly. Loving every loose moment of every loud life living around me.
Leaving light lingering on grounds and sky like leaves leaving in the fall I left before life decided to leave me.
I left to look for a love to lean on for life, and for myself to loan a moment to live for.
To listen, to long for, just long enough to look like a sky-lit sunbeam.
The loquacious levity of the life lasting around me lived lividly, keeping its eyes open, looking for lucidity.

Do I think about you?
That's not really a fair question.
Yeah, things are different now, but how could I not think about you?
Have you ever known something to be so real, something you were so sure of at one point and then just forget it?
No, you haven't. I'm not sure that many people have or even understand what I'm talking about, but listen to me.
I don't remember much from before, but I remember the feeling...and apparently how I felt about you is not something that can be forgotten.
I remember what you meant to me, what you made my heart feel and I am desperately running to that feeling.
I feel like I'll never reach the point I'm trying to, but I promise you I am trying.
This feeling that I know I've felt, the one I can hardly remember is something that I want again, something that I need again.
Not with anyone though, but with you the girl I see in my head in those white sheets, under that blue comforter, on top of that lonely pink pillow.
You're like a mirage I'm praying will manifest in my reality so I no longer have to dream of you and only see a shadow.
So yes, I think about you.

I took a chance to believe in what I though I never would.
No, In what I thought I never could.
All it took was one night for you to create an orifice in my brain deep within my mind for you to reign free.
In utter disbelief coupled with relentless joy I let you there, and I left you there...
I felt it surging through my entire being-
the joy of having you.
It began changing me from the inside out, making me hope and believe in ways I never knew about.
But now you're gone, and I 'm wilting away like that of a dying rose that was once kissed by the sun, but now embraced by frost.
My world was cold.
My world was warm.
My world is null.
I've awaited you so patiently like a child afraid of the dark awaits the morning, vigilantly.
I'll be here
I'll exist here
I'll lie here
Always waiting for you...
The reoccurring solstice of my life.

Maybe I've seen the Notebook too many times, but the concept of 'If You're A Bird, I'm A Bird' keeps growing exceedingly less absurd.
And ever since I saw A Walk to Remember I've always wanted to name a star after you so there would be two of you, and so I wouldn't have to share the original with the world.
Or was it so you could see the light in you that I see everyday and not only at night?
Alas, I can't seem to remember, but I'm certain it was both.
I've never been in a warzone outisde of my own life, but you've saved me from more harm than any bomb or rifle could inflict so I am indeed The Lucky One.
Whether sitting in silence or drowning in chaotic clamor I remember the first time you sang to me, and I recall my smiling like a fool
Let it be known that albeit I'm not actively seeking death, if it may find me I hope for that to be my Last Song.
Oh, and my darling
let your suspicions now come to light,
for  I indeed have always had an ulterior motive in loving you-
in you loving me.
That is for our love to create a Safe Haven to return to when the world has seemed to drain us of the hope we awoke with.
And yes my love,
I indeed am a bird if that is what you are as well,
but in tandem do I vow to be your Guardian on this Walk to Remember through This Bending Road of life.

I remember the sun hitting the white sheets in the middle of the day. I was getting up to clean, and she was still lying there. The natural light poured in from the window and drowned her face forcing her eyes shut while she sang along to her favorite song. She somehow managed to dance with her whole body while she was still laying down, and I’m sure those sheets had never felt happier. I wasn’t getting much done, unless you count memorizing her movements, and the impossible way her smile was brighter than the sun. I keep trying, but I can’t remember her face; It’s just her smile. That’s the last thing I remember, I don’t know how I got here, and I honestly don’t really know where here is… Why are you crying?  

She wiped away her tears, “I-I’m sorry. I could just picture her opening her eyes and seeing you recording her every motion. I can see you standing there through the sunlight motionless and mesmerized at the sight of her lying there, dancing in the bed.”

Yes, you’re right. That’s exactly how it was. Where am I? Where is she?

She starting crying again, but this time she was sobbing uncontrollably.
"You’ve been in the hospital; You were on your way to work and you got in a car accident. You’ve been in a coma for three weeks."

What? Are you my doctor? If you’re my doctor, then why are you crying? What’s going on?

Why are you crying?

I gave her this look of undeniable honesty through my eyes, and expression.
I gave her this look that explained everything I felt about her, but I'm not sure she understood it.
I gave her this look, afraid it wasn't enough I grabbed her hand, and explained.
"It's going to happen, you and I. I've known of your existence as sure as I've known my own name. I've awaited your arrival as long as I've known of its meaning. I hold your hand in this moment, and my heart rate rises reminding me that I never want to let it go; to never let you go. I hold your glance in this moment accepting now the luxurious release of death, for you are the last thing I wish to see. As the future remains unwritten and my life could vanquish in a twitch I tell you now you are the realest thing I have ever known, and as sure as breath gives these words life shall I love you until time forgets my name, and the oceans turn to dust."
I gave her this look that revealed every secret I had ever had.

They believed
They borrowed
They built...

They lived


They doubted
They dodged
They destroyed...

They lived


They thought
They tried
They tore

They lived

She left...
He waited


She lived...
He waited

Time sets, it moves and it sings. It cries in silence in hopes to be heard. Darkness settles around our dreams with nothing but good intention. It is only misunderstood as ominous because we can’t see through its shield. Blocking away the unnecessary the darkness fights to actually show us what is important as we lie awake in the depths of our dreams; shielding us from the distractions we all tend to give our focus.

I see you standing there in a doorway reaching out to anything you can get your grasp on, waving, flailing, trying your hardest to not fall in the abyss of the unknown and the too good to be true. I then see all things being projected toward you, hurrying and fleeing to your side to save you now. The darkness begins to envelop my surroundings as far as the eye can see, growing stronger more full of nothing and seeming more ominous. I fight to stead my focus only to you, enhancing my speed of the walk trying to still remain calm through my thundering heart. Everything was shooting toward you, but you wouldn't grab hold… You latched on to me with your eyes and looked as if you would never let go. Regrettably I stopped… Only for a moment, but I stopped. I felt it was a trap, why would you only be waiting for me despite all the wonderful things trying to get hold of you? The Darkness scared me, the darkness threatened me. Not you, your eyes never left me but I couldn't focus on you because of the uncertainty behind the intentions of the darkness.

Again I stopped, but this time I took a step back. The light between
you was getting narrower for the darkness was growing stronger. I could feel my breaths shorten as you continued to reach for me, praying not to fall further. I wanted to get to you, I just wasn't strong enough. It felt like the darkness was growing the closer I came to you. Rather than facing it and you at the end I began to retreat back to what I knew while trying my hardest to not focus on your eyes penetrating my mind, and your hand prying open my heart. I retreated watching the darkness subside, I retreated. I was okay, as I came out of distance of you; I told myself you were okay simply to destroy any chance of guilt. I was almost free until I heard a faint song of something familiar, something I once kept locked in my soul. I began inching toward it searching deliberately for what it could be. Louder it grew, louder and more clear, it began touching my heart, through spots of wet yellow paint, splintered wood, and broken glass I continued on, paying no attention to the darkness continuing to devour my instant surroundings. The sound, the familiar singing in my head seemed to be entreating me to come back. I began to run; I began to run toward it through the last bit of light fighting through the darkness until I felt like I was flying. It was you again… but this time you were trapped behind the things trying to help you.  I heard the faint memory once more, but this time it was coupled by the movement of your lips. Through the deepest reserves of my memory you had come back imploring me to make it to you through the nonsense. Fighting through the fear I came to you and without a hesitant thought or a wasted glance at the surrounding darkness I began bloodying myself pulling away the destruction that kept me from you; the pieces of once good things that kept you from me. Feeling nothing for myself but
solely for you I felt your still outstretched hand graze my fingertip and the blood left with your touch. Understanding that with you I was unstoppable I broke through sacrificing the last piece of me to be once again with you. You free, I fallen, you picked me up, piecing all of me back together. Penetrating my eyes you were the last thing I saw as the darkness encompassed us and immediately ceased to exist.

Loosening your clutch from my head to your heart did we then notice it was only you and I. With no sign of the destruction of the struggle from before, we were all that was left. It was just the two of us alone in a vast room filled with all of our dreams to last for an eternity and beyond.