muteD: Poems

5.8k · Nov 2015

I Finally Have A Crush

muteD Nov 2015

I Finally Have A Crush

My Heart Picks Up
Every time I See Him.
All I Have To Do
Is See If He Likes Me.
I'm So Nervous,
But I'm Excited.

I finally have a crush!!!!

#crush

2.0k · Apr 2016

Wait To Be Jealous

muteD Apr 2016

Wait To Be Jealous

He says he's jealous of me.

Because I have a new family.
Because I have new friends.
Because I finally have my life together.
Do you understand?!
Me. He's jealous of ME.
HA. Funny.

He's jealous of:
The girl who has lost *everyone and everything.
The girl who got kicked out of her house because she likes guys *AND girls.
The girl who was forced to go to a church, who brainwashed her into thinking she was a disgrace.
The girl who suffered from mental and emotional abuse for 4 YEARS.
The girl who turned to scissors, and razors for companionship.
The girl who was lied to, again and again.
The girl who lost her grandma, then two months later lost her sister.
The girl who hates her reflection, because she isn't proud of who she is.
The girl with self-image, self-confidence, and self-esteem problems.
The girl who can't see her brothers, the ones that are keeping her going, her anchors.

I've lost EVERYTHING.
Everything I have now, I earned.
I worked for what I have.
And I'll continue striving for my goals.
Graduation. College. My mom.
My brothers.

So, no. Don't be jealous of me.
Don't speak of what you don't know.
If you want to be jealous of me, wait.
Wait until I have everyone and everything I need.
When I am truly happy,
then you can be jealous.
*Be jealous until your heart's content.

This is just the conversation I had the other day with this guy who says he is my best friend, but doesn't know nothing about me.

1.9k · Oct 2018

If I could talk to you , this is what I’d say.

muteD Oct 2018

If I could talk to you , this is what I’d say.

Pathetic.
That’s what I’d call you.
Just plain miserable
and manipulative.
You tricked me into giving you the world .
Deceived me into believing that you’d never do me *****
You blinded me by your lies
“Forget about them , you have me.”
But , I didn’t really have you ..
Did I ?
You took what you wanted .
You let me put you before myself .
But ?
I don’t even blame you .
Maybe if I would’ve been in your position ,
Being offered the world
And only being asked for friendship in return ..
Maybe then I would’ve robbed you of your trust .
And your love .

You were my best friend .
My ace ,
My platonic soulmate .
And I treated you as much .
But, what was I ?
To you ,
What was I ?
A personal tutor ?
Remember those last two essays that you just couldn’t get done ?
Who helped you ?
Who stayed up after an exhausting day at work ,
After having to bike home in the cold and rain ?
Just so you could pass and not worry.
Maybe , I was just a free ride .
Always taking you places ,
Always giving you the keys and letting you do whatever.
You filled the tank maybe twice
within a nine month period .
And I never once said anything .
Oh I got it , I was your ATM.
Whenever you needed money ,
I was glad to help .
Whether it was for an Uber so you could go to your volleyball tournament
Since your own “mother” couldn’t take you
Or whether it was for a Plan B because
YIKES
Your boyfriend didn’t know how to pull out .
Hm , I guess I was also a personal shopper .
Buying you clothes when I bought me some .
You didn’t wanna spend your money ?
That was fine .
I would spend mine
And you didn’t even have to ask.
I was everything except your friend
and that’s all I wanted to be .

I should’ve seen this coming .
I should have KNOWN .
Looking back
All I can see are the signs ,
Foreshadowing what was to come .
You started to change right in front of my own eyes
but I didn’t want to believe it .
Didn’t want to believe what I could clearly see .
You started to ignore me .
For days on end .
Living in the same house became something like a
Silent war .
Everyone against me .
Including you .
You started to disappear into your room .
There were no more lifetime movie marathons together .
No more staying up and goofing around together .
No more talking about any and everything together .
I lost you way before I knew I lost you
and that makes my heart ache
like a pre-existing bruise
getting hit over and over again .

This poem means a lot to me . Honestly . Someone hurt me and I don’t know how long it’s gonna take until I’m okay and don’t think about it anymore .

#exbestfriend #bestfriendbreakup #lostafriend #hurt

1.6k · May 2021

Agonizing Flame

muteD May 2021

Agonizing Flame

Agonizing over you is what I’m best at.
The memories of us scream through my mind
during the times I should be sleeping.

You’re all I can think about,
even though I’d rather forget you.
You’re all I want,
even though I know you’ll never want me..
Again.

I wish I could forget you.

But, instead I’m ablaze
in the memory of us.
While you simply wander through the streets of life,
I seem to be streaking.
Every street consumed by fire,
I miss your heat.
Your warmth.

but decay and destruction are all I know now.

Who knew that it would be your love
that would burn me alive?

late night thoughts are the worse, but they make for great poems.

#latenightthoughts #deeppoetry #deep #destruction #decay #internaltormoil #flame #burningalive #muted #poetry

1.3k · Dec 2016

Falling Out Of Love

muteD Dec 2016

Falling Out Of Love

F
A
L
L
I
N
G
that’s what i feel.
that’s what i’ve always felt.
like i was
falling
O
U
T
of a plane.
free falling , hoping the ground would be my knight in shining armor
and catch me.
i feel like i’ve been knocked off
O
F
my guard. i’m confused.
who are you?
who is “me”?
what are we?
are we in
L
O
V
E**
?
and if so, why does it feel
like this?
like i can’t catch my breath?
like i’m drowning?
like i’m dying?
what is this “love”?
and why does it hurt?

I've fallen out of of love with the love of my life. Read "Slowly" for more detail.

#love #of #falling #out

1.1k · Mar 2019

12/15/18

muteD Mar 2019

12/15/18

my head hurts .
it always hurts .
something always hurts .
whether it’s my head or my heart
something is always in pain .
torturous pain..
the type of pain that’ll make you scream ,
scream until your throat is bleeding .
scream until you can’t scream no more .
scream until your scream is tired of you .

that’s what I think I need to do .
I need to scream
and get out all of my anger .
I need to let go .
but I can’t .
I can’t let my dam crack open .
duct tape won’t keep that flood at bay .
all of my control
would have bolted for the door .
and why?
why because
my anger would like nothing more than to swallow me whole .
to drown me in nothing but sorrow
and an intense feeling of
hate .
seasoned and conditioned just right ,
my anger would have me hating everyone .
even more so than I hate myself .
and I do hate myself .
I hate the person I used to be
and I hate the person I’m becoming .
I can’t lie to myself anymore ,
I really don’t know who I am
outside of my madness .
outside of each one of my issues
lies a baby girl who used to pure .
untainted and not molded yet ,
a perfect example of how anything can happen to anyone .
doesn’t matter who you are .

Anger has a way into shaping you into the person it wants you to be..

#unsure #whoami #identitycrisis #anger

1.0k · Nov 2015

If You're Hurting, This is For You.

muteD Nov 2015

If You're Hurting, This is For You.

Imagine a pitch black room.
You're surrounded by darkness,
And it's seeping under your skin.
Whispering false truths in your ears,
Making your fears come alive.
Feeding your insecurities,
And knocking you down
Every time you dare to stand up.

The things it says,
Breaks you.
And leaves you whimpering in a corner.
Tears running down your face, and
Afraid to face the world.
Wondering
"Why am I this way?!!"

Every time you start to feel proud,
That voice starts up again.
"You're ugly!"
"It's your fault! All of it!"
"You're fat!"
"You're disgusting!"
"You make me sick!"
"How can you live with yourself?!!"
And before you realize it,
You're believing and
Sinking.

Dear Friend,
You are not alone.
As cliché as it sounds,
There is light after the storm.
I'm not going to lie and say
"It gets easier."
Because it won't,
Unless you want it to.
And even then,
Its not as easy as it seems.

Just know this:
I am not here to whisper
Pretty lies into your ears.
And I am not going to stand here, and
Watch you sink.
I am here for you.
To be that hand that pulls
You out of your sea of pity.
I am here to remind,
That you are perfect
Just the way you are.
And most importantly,
I am here to tell you to fight.
Fight the Self-Pity.
Fight the Negativity.
Fight the Darkness.
Okay?
Just Fight,
And you'll make it.

**I Promise.

This is for my friend. You know who you are! I hope this helps!

#fight

1.0k · Mar 2019

12/10/18

muteD Mar 2019

12/10/18

why must it always end this way ?
the feeling of being unwanted .
unappreciated .
unloved .
by the ones who are supposed to love
the real me
the most .

what do you do when you're thrown into a tidal
wave of emotions ?
a hurricane of thoughts
i feel like a tsunami
has wrecked the last bits
and pieces
of my saneness .
my sanity .
my reason .
trying to hold on
is just so tiring .
especially when it seems as though
no one wants to see you achieve your dreams .
discouragement is such a tiresome feeling .

exhaustion is also a feeling I know all too well .
always on go .
doing what I thought would keep
you at bay
but as always
you can't even say it to me .
hiding behind what you think would protect
you .
like a child .
oh i wonder how that feels ?
to have someone who will fight your battles ,
for you .
instead of being on the opposing team .

i wonder how it feels to have a family .
my supposed "first" team ..
what's supposed to be my "main" support.
my lifelines
so what happens when the ones
you never thought would make you feel
the feeling you always feel the most ,
make you feel those feelings you hate feeling
the most ?

you crumble ,
even more so than before
you collapse and you decay
until you're nothing but
a fine powder that hopefully no one ingests .
pure crazy at it's finest ,
a drug for sure .
but , this one ?
It kills.

It’s always a daily battle, always something I’m fighting and I’m always alone.

#brokenfamily #broken #family

875 · Jun 2021

a reality

muteD Jun 2021

a reality

Why does it feel as though happiness
is unattainable for me?
Unreachable no matter how far I stretch.
Untouchable no matter how much I yearn for it.
And whenever I do seem to grasp it,
it always vanishes into thin air.
Leaving me wishing for a different time.

I remember being a toddler,
standing in a candy store..
Staring in awe at the sweets around me
and wishing I was big enough
to grab one of the huge lollipops
on the top shelf.
With no adult in sight of my little eyes
I had only one thought running through my mind
“I can’t wait until I’m older..”

and now,
here I am.
Older and what I feel and see now are
my thoughts and dreams,
my wants and pains,
my desires..

I see them swirling and mixing;
one becoming the other until I can tell nothing apart.

What hurts me just might be my destiny.

I wish for a reality where all things are crystal
and all paths are clear.
To know where my soul truly belongs
and to not wander.

A wandering heart knows of only temporary love
and a temporary love
can only end in
abandonment.

You wonder,
“Are you running from me?”
And my answer is,
“Yes, but only if you’re this reality”

#reality #paths #desires #abandonment

863 · Apr 2019

blue 22

muteD Apr 2019

blue 22

you
remind me of the
blues.
each different shade
of blue
equals you.
each of your tones
resonates truth.
that is true
and oh so true
the way I feel for you.
tranquil like blue,
a lake of blue.
the way I always feel
around you
almost like a
sky blue.
a blue
that is just
enough blue
to make you
move groovy
like the Blues.
you
make me
feel blue
without being
blue,
like a navy blue.
a blue that has blue
on top of its’ blue.
a blue times blue times blue,
that’s you
and it’s crazy
because
i only feel things
because of you.
together
me and you,
a perfect image
of solitude.
and you are
solid
too.
real is you.
no camouflage
or ruse.
just you.
like you are
one of the deepest blues.
you make me feel deep
like some negative
2’s.
I’d happily dive into you
like an ocean blue.
constantly evolving into
different blues
that’s you
(always you).
you are my Blue
and blue is you.

this goes out to my best friend, my boo. thank you for being you.
writing this poem was honestly really fun to me because this isn’t my normal style and adventuring out like this was kinda an addictive feeling.

#blue #color #rhyme #style #bestfriend #together

862 · Apr 2016

The "S" Word

muteD Apr 2016

The "S" Word

Don't you understand?
The pain and hurt she feels?
She compromises every time.
But, nothing ever seems to be enough.
And we all know that one thing leads to the next.
But to completely satisfy your wants and desires,
would go against what she wants.
Why doesn't what she wants matter?
Why is it the same argument all the time?
"I'm not ready"
"I'm not ready"
"I'm not ready"
How many times does she have to say it?
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Five Disagreements.
It seems like the only way to make you happy,
is to offer up her body as a sacrifice.
Well, what if she doesn't want to?
What then?
*There's more to this dependency than her body.
Either understand, or forget you know her.

This is for my friend and her issue.

#relationship #notready

856 · Nov 2015

I Tried

muteD Nov 2015

I Tried

I Tried To Run From My Problems.
I Tried To Leave Them Behind.
I Tried To Become More Solemn.
But, The Tears In My Eyes Would Not Dry.

I Tried To Think Of The Future.
I Tried To Not Focus On The Past.
I Tried To Make My Life Smoother.
But, My Demons Were Too Fast.

I Tried To Never Hope.
I Tried To Never Dream.
I Tried To Cope.
But, The Pain Was Extreme.

I Tried To Give Up.
Yet I Tried To Believe.*
But, If There's One Thing I Know
Its That My Try's Need To Be Complete.

I keep trying to accomplish things, and I have yet to actually accomplish then. I need to work on that.

#tried #complete

842 · Aug 2017

love 8/25/17

muteD Aug 2017

love 8/25/17

love.
what a strange word.
i wonder what it feels like.
maybe a million an done butterflies caressing your skin.
each flap of their wings drawing you in closer.
or maybe it feels like a wave crashing into a cliff.
you're the cliff
and love is the wave.
maybe it hits you out of nowhere.
i used to think love was a leaf falling from the tree and landing on your shoulder.
so unexpectedly.
so suddenly.
maybe love is unknown.
the things we do not know
and could never know.
i wonder what love feels like.
i wonder...
what is love?

i was having poets block Friday , so i watched a lovey-dovey movie and read some poetry. then, i wrote this.

840 · Nov 2015

Out Of Luck

muteD Nov 2015

Out Of Luck

As much as I hate to say:
Beautiful People
End Up
With Beautiful People.
Which means,
I'm out of luck.

#unlucky

793 · Jan 2021

a beautiful masterpiece

muteD Jan 2021

a beautiful masterpiece

I
am
at war.
with my heart and my brain.
my soul and my mind.
it’s a free for all battle
right in front of my eyes.
but instead of attacking each other,
they only attack me.

I can feel my heart beating.
Too hard.
Each pump pushes
not only the blood throughout my body
and the air in and out of my lungs
but it also
unleashes doses
of pain.
lethal in high amounts
and unfortunately for me
it feels like the whole bottle has been emptied into my system.
As I close my eyes, I can hear the words
my damaged heart whispers into my ear.

A plea for me
to cut away
all the ties
of this world
and to curl up
with the only one
I know means peace..
Me.

But, my brain is intent on interrupting those thoughts.
It has its own need to manipulate the feelings swirling inside of me.
It has its own agenda,
one where it leaves me standing over a ledge
overlooking my own downfall.
stranded and wondering,

why do I tear myself down?
because my mind tells me to.

the words that wiggle themselves down my eardrums have one and only one goal in mind.
and that is to torture me for the rest of my time.

and it’s working.

a storm is brewing within my head.
Rain and hail beat down on my brain
like they’re the hands
and my brain is the drum.

the sound it makes is enough to bring a man to his knees.

a beautiful masterpiece at the price of a life.

but I guess that’s okay
because that life never mattered anyways.

or so my mind tells me.

who am I to listen to, when both want me dead?
A heart that is tired of beating?
Or mind that is tired of thinking?

(Either way, I’m *******.)

I wrote this based off of a picture and I wish you his could see it .. but I’m in the process of launching my blog and I will have ALL of my recent poetry on there ..

#depression #heart #mind #battlefield #war #anxiety #masterpiece #art #storm #rain

785 · Dec 2020

Tainted Dreams

muteD Dec 2020

Tainted Dreams

do you believe in haunted dreams?
not nightmares
but haunted dreams..
because I do.
and that’s because you haunt mine.
every moment of them.

and you haunt my reality.
every waking second is filled with the need to reminisce.
even when I run your scent just seems to follow.
to escape into any type of solitude would grant my unspoken wish.

so I sleep.

but even then my dreams are tinted with
the feeling of nostalgia.
yet it is not from anything I can recall..
to be missing something I never had at all
is a special kind of hell.
you’ve tainted my dreams
as though you’ve put me under a spell.
and it’s weakened me.
leaving me
screaming upon deaf ears
I wonder if my voice will make it out of this fog
you’ve brought.

everything is clouded with
the abyss of you.

you’ve tinted my dreams
in the color
of you.
drugged me and got me hooked.
now if my dreams aren’t tinted with you,
they’re nothing
but bare black walls.

“ That was insane how you ended it 🤯 from start to finish I was intrigued and steady wanting to read more, although the person was expressing themselves, the vivid imagery you presented through your careful choice and placement of words painted a clear motion picture I could truly get lost in, hella deep and very impressive no bap, you snapped...”
- a response to my poem..

#tainted #dreams #tainteddreams #muted #md #drugged #love #tinteddreams #tinted #nostalgia

766 · Jul 2021

my ghost

muteD Jul 2021

my ghost

Your face seems to be all I see
whenever I close my eyes.

why does he haunt me?
a ghost of love we never truly had,
how could I miss it?
You?
..him?

Memories flash through my head
like daggers to the chest.
Wounding me seemed to be the target
before our first encounter.
To gaze, unbothered,
at something so innocent
while envisioning
how to bring me to my knees.

did I love you? or did I love the idea
of you loving me?
I’ll never truly know
because you are a ghost
of my past.

and ghosts don’t answer questions.

my ghosts never shut up though..

#demons #ghosts #questions #depression #love #lostlove #unsure #muted #real

758 · Jan 2016

I Am Done

muteD Jan 2016

I Am Done

I Just Want To Sink
Into Oblivion..
To Stop These Tidal Waves Of Pain.
I'm Tired Of Feelings.
I'm Tired Of The Way
Everyone Makes Me
Feel!
I Just Want To Be Done.
I'm Tired Of This Life.
I'm Tired Of Breathing.
&& I'm Tired Of Living.
I'm Just So Tired Of Being Tired.
Lord Help Me...
Before Its Too Late.

I'm hurting so bad right now. And noone knows. And noone cares.

#tired #done

736 · Nov 2015

This Is Love

muteD Nov 2015

This Is Love

A friend in class,
Showed me a message her boyfriend
Sent her:

*"I say you're not you
When you wear makeup
Because you spend
So much time
Making yourself
Look like a rose,
When I fell in love
With your roots"

This is perfect!!!

#loverocks

708 · Nov 2015

Tired

muteD Nov 2015

Tired

Please,
Tell Me.

How Do I Move On?
How Do I Start Over?
I'm Afraid of Failing,
Of Losing Everything
Which Is Irrelevant,
Since I Already Did.

The Pain I Feel,
Leaves Me Speechless.
I Thought I Knew Hurt
But What I Thought I Felt,
Doesn't Even Compare
To What I Feel Now.
I Feel Like Someone
Has Emptied Me Out Of
Everything.
To Ever Have Thought That She Cared,
That She Didn't Actually Hate Me
Was Ignorant,
And Completely Foolish
Of Me.

Part Of Me Feels Like
I Deserve This.
And I Don't Know...

Maybe I Do.

*All I Know Is That I'm Tired.
I'm Tired Of The Pain.

Bleh -.-

#tired

696 · Nov 2015

Their Present To Me

muteD Nov 2015

Their Present To Me

How can anyone live with this pain?
I feel like I've lost everything
And gained,
Nothing
In return.

A theif in the night
Came and took all of it from me.
Leaving me with this
Deep pain in my chest.
Its only been there for a minute
But I can tell
It doesn't plan on leaving.

How can I live with this?!!

I feel like someone's
Ripped my heart out, and
Stabbed me in my chest.
17 times.
And afterwards they told me
"Happy Birthday."

They took everything I ever had.
They pushed me down the stairs,
And kicked me when I was down.
They didn't care about the mess
They left behind
Just as long as it
Resembled a tornado hit.

They knew what I wanted,
Yet they tore my dreams into tiny pieces.
They took my ability to bounce back.
And threw it into the deep sea.
How can I put my life back together,
Start over again,
When I don't even know if I want to breathe?

Wrote this on Saturday.

#hurt

680 · Dec 2018

(5/17) 11/10

muteD Dec 2018

(5/17) 11/10

remembering
how we used to be
back when
I couldn't breathe
call me breathless
bc you were breathtaking
and mine .

you were like a rose .
beautiful yet dangerous
with thorns tipped w poison .
grew up through a crack in the cement ,
felt nothing but continual abandonment
and an ache
for something you know nothing about .

maybe you were more like an onion .
each time you pull back a layer ,
there's always another
in its place .
had heart of ice ,
one I tried to unthaw .
I wiped your surface ,
and it just froze back over
immediately after .

an imperfect flaw of perfection .
someone in need of affection ,
commitment , attention and direction
you are someone
who would've died
saving me .

and that just can't be .

"I like it. The first and second paragraph (stanza) make me think of my ex."-SB

#relationship #undeserving #old #love

663 · Jun 2021

the feeling of anger and anguish

muteD Jun 2021

the feeling of anger and anguish

A fiery pit
is blossoming inside of
my chest.
Where my heart
used to reside
no longer resides
a place capable of any
love.
Hate slithers in
like the first rays
of sunlight
on a Sunday morning
consuming me before I even open my eyes.

and I’m finding out
that the only way to
silence the voices in my head
is to scream my own voice raw
and drown them out.
bubbling up like a volcano
on the cusp of erupting
is every penny I’ve ever collected.
holding the memories of what
could never be again.

I’m not sure what
I hate more.
How you made me feel
or myself?

#anger #anguish #feeling #hate #love #hurt #silence #voices

658 · Sep 2021

gr0wth

muteD Sep 2021

gr0wth

from a pegasus, i was a feather plucked.
drifting through the air, i wonder where my right hand went.
when i clench my fist, there’s nothing there
and as my eyes roam the room,
there’s not another soul in sight.
alone in the cold,
shelter had to forcibly be found.
fleeing through the flames, my stinger fell away
as a charred and scarred phoenix emerged.
aware to the deterioration of the world.
the anger and pain ran down the line,
until the line met me.

i’m different but i’m still growing.

from scorpion to phoenix, here’s to growth.

#growth #phoenix #scorpion #pain #anger

646 · Sep 2018

too many .. words .

muteD Sep 2018

too many .. words .

“No one cares about you unless you’re dead or lying naked in their bed.”
-mute
•••

too many.
too many to remember.
too many to count.
all my life I’ve been searching for love and affection
in the wrong places..
in the wrong people.
I’ve given up the key to my sanctuary
given up the password to my treasury
only to be tricked and robbed blind.
time and time again i allow myself to be used and abused
like a *****
but at least they get paid.

words can be so deceiving.
one minute they can be whispered so intimately in your ear
while you’re feeling the best pleasure
known to you
and the next millisecond
they can be thrown like daggers
and you’re the target.
and I don’t get it.

every time i think, it’ll be different.
every time i hope, it’ll be different.
but this time ?
i wanted you to be different
and I thought you were.
but now,
my mind is clouded
plagued by the poisonous thoughts in my head.
i was hoping you’d save me,
but you might be the reason i end up
dead.

couldn’t decide on the title so I combined both of my ideas together . this poem is very personal and speaks about something I have told little people. if you have read this poem , then you now know me better than almost every person I know. please do not judge me , this is me showing my soul.

#*** #***** #words

641 · Jan 2020

11:11

muteD Jan 2020

11:11

‪I wish I could cut my brain into pieces‬
‪and not as a last resort.‬
‪Cut out the sadness,‬
‪the bad memories, ‬
‪the part that never listens,‬
‪all of it. ‬
‪The person looking back in the mirror ‬
‪is more than willing ‬
‪to give up anything as a sacrifice.‬

‪-mD‬

First poem of 2020.

#md #muted #wish #1111 #sacrifice #sadness #memories

635 · Dec 2015

Beautiful

muteD Dec 2015

Beautiful

I May Not Be Beautiful
By Societies Standards.
But, I Am Beautiful By Mine.
And That's All That Matters.

I just realize the other day, that I actually like the way I look.

#beautiful #mybeautystandards #forgetsocietiesstandards

591 · Nov 2015

Truth.

muteD Nov 2015

Truth.

Truth.

It is easy
To say the
Truth
When you are alone.
But saying the
Truth
To your friends or family
Is as hard as over-baked cookies.

The
Truth
About myself, wants
To be free!
It wants someone to know.
The words want
To burst from my lips,
Like water breaking from a dam.
I'm so nervous. I won't let it.
Not because I'm afraid
They wouldn't understand.
They will. I know they will.
But saying the
Truth*
Would make it
True.

And I don't know,
If I'm ready for that.

The truth is out now, and I can't believe how much better I feel!!:)

#truth #closeted #itsout

571 · Dec 2016

Slowly

muteD Dec 2016

Slowly

Slowly
I started to realize
That you were becoming my reason.
My reason for everything.
My reason for living.
My reason for going on.
My reason for being happy.

Slowly
I started to realize that I loved you more
Than I loved myself.
More than I could explain.
More than I thought I could love.
More than you could ever know.

And
Slowly,
I started to realize that I couldn’t do this anymore.
I realized that you deserved more than I could offer.
I realized that I just didn’t love you as much as I thought.

Slowly,
I started to lose you.

And
Slowly,
I started to lose myself.

*Slowly,
I fell out of love
With the love of my life.

And
Slowly,
I started to lose my life.

This poem goes with "Falling Out Of Love." I just kind of realized that I wasn't okay with loving someone more than I loved myself anymore.

#love #slowly

561 · Sep 2018

loyalty

muteD Sep 2018

loyalty

Never say never when time is unknown.
And anything w ‘never’ , can be a lie on its own.

•••

“I’ll never leave you.”
What a delicious little lie.
“I’ll never stop loving you.”
Never ended quick .
“I’ll never switch up.”
How can you be seated on a throne of needles
Dipped in poisonous lies ?
(and not feeeeeel them?)
You changed up like I change clothes .
Doubt looks better when you wear it,
Not when you bite the backs of those who helped you say it.
(I’m talking words here .
Doubt in your words
Planted a seed of
Uneasiness which I cannot escape)
Cloaking yourself in deception won’t hide the treason you’ve committed .
Not when you’re found guiltily.
This is the Court of Loyalty
And you cannot get it .

#pain #loyaltywhereareyou

554 · Mar 2019

12/29 “You rather stay where you aren’t appreciated”

muteD Mar 2019

12/29 “You rather stay where you aren’t appreciated”

No one truly appreciates me
Or the stuff I do .
Everything is all about what I can do
for
You and you and you ,
I give and give and give
And everyone just takes .
They take until there’s nothing left ,
Until I’m nothing but left -
overs .
Until I’m nothing but a mere carcass ,
An empty shell of
What used to be
And what I used to be .

Someone who used to mean a lot to me said this to me. In that moment, I realized that no one truly gets me. This was said to me with to the intent of manipulating me into doing what that person wanted. As soon as I showed a little hesitation, they hit me where they knew it would hurt.

#unappreciated #unwanted #understandme

545 · Jan 2016

Untitled

muteD Jan 2016

Untitled

The lights flicker.
Your heart stops.
Your eyes flutter,
As your body drops.

You wonder why
You feel this way.
As you cry
You curse the day.

There’s nothing left,
Or so you think.
Your words are deaf,
As your thoughts blink.

545 · Jun 2021

hide n’

muteD Jun 2021

hide n’

I know how I’m going to die.
Trapped inside of my mind with no room to stretch
and no oxygen to breathe,
surly my own thoughts will suffocate me long before
I turn to stone from my rigid posture.

I’ve always wondered what I was meant to be
and if I will ever be able be that..
To attempt to accomplish everything I’ve laid out for myself
is terrifying, especially when
those I loved the hardest
already have a mold ready for me.

as if this was a twisted tale of Cinderella,
I was forced to wear something that could never fit me.
Blisters and bruises weren’t the only things I received.
now I hide inside of my mind,
a body inside of a body,
because how can he hurt me if
the real me is hidden ?

part one.

#trapped #mold #suffocation

543 · Jan 2018

1/15 "Sting"

muteD Jan 2018

1/15 "Sting"

Today I was taking a shower
and my arm started to sting.
That sting.
The sting I didn't even realize I remembered.
Until I did.
And when I did, oh how that made me feel.
Being bombarded with oh so many memories of
escape and freedom
And control.

Today, I was taking a shower
And my arm started to sting.
This familiar sting that I knew all to well
and all I could do was stare at this tiny, tiny cut.
Like a pink line of perfection,
if that makes sense.
It brought with it not only a slight pain that I am all too familiar with.
But, also the memories of watching my blood mix with the water into a pretty pink
Swirl down the drain.

Today, I was taking a shower
and my arm started to sting.
Bringing with it the need to feel that sting
constantly.
Like in the past years.
Needing to have some sense of control.
Needing to feel a pain that I knew better than
my own face.
Needing to slice my arm.
Not into ribbons,
but how about laces?

Today, I was taking a shower
And my arm started to sting.
And that scares me.
The feeling of wanting to grab the sharpest thing I could find
and add my pretty in pink lines
across my mocha skin.
Right along with the older ones.
Not caring who see's them
and not caring about the
Consequences.
Only caring about the release it would provide.
Release and a high.
A high that makes me higher than smoking **** ever could.

Today, I was taking a shower
And my arm,
My arm started to sting.

#selfharm #selfharmvictims

526 · Jan 2017

Your "God"

muteD Jan 2017

Your "God"

I don't believe in YOUR “God”.
I don’t believe in anything.
How could I?
Why would I?
They tell me to pray about it..
Pray to who?
Why would he listen?
Who is He?

All of my life,
It has been shoved down my throat.
This “religion” of sorts.
Never can I get a break.
Never.

I was taught that your “God”
Wouldn’t accept me.
That I was a disgrace.
Why would I believe in someone like that?

So, no.
No, I won’t believe.
I can’t believe.
Even if you think
I should believe.
*I won’t.

I'm tired of people asking me if I'm okay.. and then when they ask me what's wrong and I tell them, they always respond with "Just pray about it". No. I refuse to pray to a "God" that supposedly won't accept me because I'm bisexual. NO.

#god #religion #refuse

526 · Mar 2020

Vacuum

muteD Mar 2020

Vacuum

Words hurt
But yours shouldn’t have to.
The things you say stick to me like a
Tattoo.
I’m a vacuum.
I **** up all the things you say
and it just replays.
You say
things you think you have to say
in ways
that are better left unsaid.
Too bad you can’t UnSay
the things you said
even though I know
you never would.

How come
it is always the ones we hold closest
that is gifted
with the blueprint
of our defeat?
a way to have us
beaten, broken hearted
and down
on both knees.

How is this honest?
How are we fair?
To be clear,
as you sleep
without fear
I sit here and think.
If you had a snore for every tear I’ve shed,
you might never wake up.

Written : 3/4/20

#fear #sleep #love #fair #beaten #broken #blueprint #unsay #replay #tattoo

492 · Mar 2019

12/21/18 “What do you want for Christmas?”

muteD Mar 2019

12/21/18 “What do you want for Christmas?”

I want you to chase me
when I walk away.
To put in a little effort.
Show me you care,
Show me that you want me around.
Show me you want me here.
I need your reassurance,
Someone’s..
Anyone’s..
Preferably yours.

I want you to pay attention to me.
I want your time.
No scheduling,
No planning.
I want to see you whenever we’re free.
No sneaking,
No meetups.
I want someone to see
When I wake up.
Day after day,
Month after month,
I want years with the same one .
I want to appreciate every single second
Every breath I take in your presence
I want to
Cherish every accidental touch
Every smile that lights up your face
Every word that makes my heart race
I want the same
Friday nights movie dates
I want the “I’m on my way home ,
You want a milkshake?”
A “text me when you make it home,
So I know you’re safe.”
I want there to be no distance between our minds.
I wanna know all of your thoughts ,
And I want you to want to know all of mine.

I want you to have time for me .
Don’t make time when you’re free,
Like you have to put a reminder in your schedule
Just to see me.
Saying you miss me
Knowing you only miss the pleasure
I can bring you.
I want you to want my mind
as much as you want what’s between my thighs.

I want to be known
By you.
Truly.
I wanna fall in love with your words
because I know they’re true
not because you’re only saying them
because they’ll benefit you.
I want more from you than you can offer me.
Even if I have to beg,
I’d beg
For you to **** me instead.
Just off me!
Only two things I plead
The fifth and insanity.
I want more things than I deserve to want.
Because the thing about “I deserve”
Is that you don’t deserve a thing
In life, except the right to breathe.

So, what do I want you ask?
I want someone to want me.

Everyone kept asking me what I wanted for Christmas and all I wanted was to feel wanted. I didn’t get that though.

#christmas #holidays #seasonaldepression #depression

491 · Nov 2015

Guilt

muteD Nov 2015

Guilt

Guilt is a massive hurricane,
Wrecking havoc like a tornado.
Stealing your emotions, leaving you blank like a wall.
Screeching in you ears,
And clawing at your soul.
Smothering forgiveness in the flames of hatred for yourself.
Attacking your will to live.
Leaving you like a whimpering baby seal.
Or screaming like a baby craving human touch.
Until all hope is lost and

You're looking up, drowning in a sea of pity, and helplessness.

Screaming from the top of your lungs on the ledge:
**"I'm Sorry!!"

:) This poem was actually for my poetry class, but I thought you guys would like it too!!!

#hatred #pity #guilt #helplessness #allhopeislost

485 · Nov 2015

Helpless

muteD Nov 2015

Helpless

I Hate
When Your Best Friend Is Hurting
And There Is
NOTHING
You Can Do About It.
I Am
Completely
Helpless.

Geez, I hate this.

#helpless

457 · Dec 2018

11/28 "Janeva"

muteD Dec 2018

11/28 "Janeva"

I'm missing a piece ,
a piece of my heart .
and that piece died years ago ..
literally ,
you were my light in a dark room .
my laughter when all I wanted to do was cry ,
you were
you are
my sister .

I'm sorry I couldn't save you.
I'm sorry I wasn't there to see the light
leave your eyes
oh how alone you must have felt
to have to die in a bathroom with nothing but
bubbles and
a bathtub of water .
"mom , help!"
"***** , save me!"
"baby brothers , are you there?"
"can anyone hear me?!"
if only you could have spoken ,
I wonder what you would have yelled .
oh , poo , I am sorry that I wasn't there .
I'm sorry that it was you
and not me .
I would give you my life if I could ,
wrap it up in newspaper just so I could see you
tear it apart
just one more time ,
for old times sake .
maybe play some music so I can see your
smile
light up my room
and light up my life .
you will forever be my missing piece ,
my puzzle will never be complete
without you ..

Love ,
***** .

I miss you *****..
"It's beautiful. I felt that."-JS

#death #loss #missingpiece #sisterlove

449 · Nov 2015

Waiting

muteD Nov 2015

Waiting

Waiting.
Tick tock, tick tock.
Seconds go by.
Minutes, Hours, Days
Pass me by.
Feels like a lifetime has passed.
But, its only been 5 minutes.
Waiting for the bell to ring.
Waiting for the birds to sing.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting until it´s my turn.
My turn to live my life.

#waiting #neverending

443 · Aug 2016

My Plea

muteD Aug 2016

My Plea

Give me your hand,
Lemme guide you into my twisted mind.
Lend me your ears,
Lemme scream to you my pain.
Provide me your eyes,
Lemme show you the darkness.
Sell me your trust,
and I'll give you mine.
Grant me the gift of forgiveness,
Lemme forgive myself.
Give me the strength to survive,
The will to carry on,
and the heart to care.
**As I pray to a God I may or may not believe in.

The last sentence is a story for another day.

443 · May 2020

Welcome Home, old friend

muteD May 2020

Welcome Home, old friend

I feel my body,
clenching.
The tension
is there,
creeping.
this anxiety
is pumping
and it’s bringing
the Calvary.
depression,
the one I can always count on..
Welcome Home.

i feel like I’m falling.

#depression #anxiety #sadness #calvary #creeping #welcomehome

438 · Jan 2016

Untitled

muteD Jan 2016

Untitled

Lies, lies. Full of lies.
You, you. Full of life.
Me, me. Misery.
Truth, truth. Incomplete

#incomplete

436 · Dec 2018

12/5 "Are you still watching"

muteD Dec 2018

12/5 "Are you still watching"

What do you want from me ?
Truly .
Each of you want a piece
of something
with substance .
A piece of me split each way .
A different sketch for each of you .
Everyone needs an altered piece of myself to
play with ,
A 'rag doll' as they call it .
To do whatever you please .
A character to play out in your story.
History ,
Her story
Everyone's story
Except mine .
My story ,
When does my story begin ?

sometimes I get tired of playing the role I was
cast in ,
I'm an actor in this tired excuse of a play .
Maybe that is my story .
My tale .
A nightmare is what it is .
A fairytale is what it used to called .
Some fiction mixed a litte truth
because all lies are based from fact .
Maybe all I'm meant to be
is a different flame
in every wildfire .
Meant to fuel your passions
And to inspire your dreams .
There's a different me
For everybody .
Every one of you ****** get
Amity
Or amour .
You get someone who would protect you
From every thorn
of pain in this existence called 'life' .
I'd sacrifice mine ,
to save you twice .
Recognizing your flaws for what they really are ,
Imperfect beauty marks
on the heart .
I care for you how only I can wish
You'd care for me .
And that's my issue .
I see your potential
All your pain , I feel .
Like a sponge , I soak up all your filth .
I polish you .
I always wipe your surface
even though my movements go unnoticed .
Time and time again ,
I'm the one who listens .
Starting but never finishing
like a slept on movie series.
you fall asleep on me before you even
understand me .
Snoozing as I portay
this idea of disarray .
I watch you ignore me
And all while asking ,
"Are you still watching?"

"I feel some type of way tbh and it really hurt my heart... [Is it] about me cause I feel like the shoe fit."-MO
"***. I relate to this one. Like I think this is one of my favorites. It's so f*cking true how you [can] give someone your all and they [will still] sleep on you. Like fr this one is golden."-L

435 · Nov 2015

Versions of Me.

muteD Nov 2015

Versions of Me.

Who am I?
I am whatever they want
me to be.
Which means I'm me,
but not me.
A different version of me.
That is what I am,
but not the version I want to be.

One. The "Church Me".
Two. The "School Me".
Three. The "Work Me".
Four. The "Home Me".
Five. The "Real Me". Who is She?
These are the versions of me.

It's so hard to stop the bleeding
together of the versions of me.
The "Church Me" would never
accept the "Real Me".
The "Work Me" would cancel out
the "School Me".
And the "Home Me",
just doesn't fit.

There's too many versions.
Too many.
I,
need to delete
the lies.
I need to
Delete, Delete, Delete, Delete
the versions of me.

Tell me.
What would happen if
one of the 'Me's' deleted was
The "Real Me"?

Who Would I Be?

#different #whoami #versions

435 · Feb 2020

Why do I even bother?

muteD Feb 2020

Why do I even bother?

Please tell me why I even bother.
Why do I bother to scramble to find the words to express how I am feeling when all you are going to do is press Ignore?
I feel IGNORED.
Why do I bother to talk about the thoughts that run screaming through my mind when all you’re going to do is Interrupt?
You hate it but I hate it more.
Never being able to finish my sentence is the curse I’m destined to die with.
Never being understood is all I’m meant to be.
Invalid is all I am. Invalid is all I’m meant to be.

I’m just so tired. Tired of going through everything I have to go through.

#whydoibother #cursed #curse #invalid #interrupt #ignore #muted

430 · Dec 2015

Higher

muteD Dec 2015

Higher

In Moments Like This,
I'm Floating.
I'm Higher Than The Sky.
This Moment Is
When I Like The Wrong
Instead Of The Right.
This Moment Is The Most Dangerous Of Times.
Its When I Feel The Most Confident And Brave.
This Space And Time,
Is The More
And The Less.

This is how I'm feeling right now.

#floating

430 · Dec 2015

(This Is For) Him

muteD Dec 2015

(This Is For) Him

I Don't Hook Up.
And I Don't Go For Guys
I Think Are Unattainable.
But He.
He Makes Me
Question
Everything I Ever Thought I Knew
About The Thing Called,
"Love."

I Hope I'm Not
Overthinking It.
But Sometimes It Fees Like
He's Playing Me.
When We're Alone
It's All
"Accidental" Touches,
Small Smiles,
And Secretive Looks.
But In A Group,
All That Disappears
In A Cloud Of Smoke.
Almost Like It Was Never There
To Begin With.
Making Me Seem Crazier
Than I Actually Am And
Leaving Me Wondering If
I'll Be Good Enough
For Him To Want Me ALL The Time

When We First Met
I Was Attracted To Him.
And I Felt Like He Was
Attracted To Me.
But The More I Think About It,
The More I Start To Doubt It.
"Maybe You're Not Pretty Enough."
"He's Out Of Your League!!"
"He's Way More Experienced."
"He's Gonna Want More Than You're Ready To Give."
"Seriously, Are You Kidding? COME ON!"
And Soon I Become A Victim
Of My Own Heart.

I Want Him.
I Don't Want To Rush Into Anything.
But,
I Want Him.
Bad.
And You Know What They Say.
What The Heart Wants,
The Heart Gets.

Okay, so it may seem like this guy is WAAYYY older than me but he's not. He's actually just 2 months younger than me. And this is the guy I was talking about in 'I Finally Have A Crush".

#love #him #whattheheartwantstheheartgets

426 · Nov 2015

Love Junkie

muteD Nov 2015

Love ******

I crave human contact,
Like a ****** craves their next fix.
Wondering when I'll be able to get it.
Obsessing over how it made me feel the first time.
Forever chasing that high.
Disappointment filling me,
Knowing that, that is all I'll ever be doing,
Forever chasing.
My body starts to shake,
As I go into withdrawal.
Feels like I'm dying.
Over and over and over again.
Going numb all over.
Ba-bump, ba-bump
Then,
Nothing. Silence.
My heart stops.
Just like the peace
Before the storm.
So soft, so quiet.
Right before I step into the light,
I'm injected with it.
Bringing me back, and
Taking me up.
Pass that first high.
Until I'm experiencing something
That for once has left me speechless.
Love.
This is,
Love.

#love #lovejunkie