there was one version of you who wanted a version of me; it was only ever in moments like the one where you let me invade your dreams, the same way you wriggled your way deep into my subconscious thoughts. there was one version of you who wanted a version of me ~but not the way that i wanted you to~
was it how you made me laugh, or how that laughter decimated my sense of uncertainty and lulled me into a temporary constant, where, in my ignorance, a real version of me fell into a faux version of you.
~ Dear Google, Why do I chew up popsicle sticks? Why do I rock back and forth? Why does my head twitch sometimes? Why won't my ears stop ringing? Dear Google, What's wrong with me? Why am I so moody? Why can't I forget what happened? Why can't I tell anyone? Dear Google, Why do I pace my driveway and talk to myself? And why do I talk to people who aren't there with me? Why did the evergreens seem to twist and distort when I stared at them with empty eyes? Why did I collapse and cry? Dear Google, Why haven't I run away yet? Why am I not free yet? Why do I allow myself to be trapped here? Why hasn't she left? Dear Google, Why is there more than one 'version' of me? Why do I talk as these versions? Why do they all have different voices and personalities? Why are they so mean? Dear Google, Why do I even try? Why am I still alive? Why don't I just end it all? Why? ~
And where were you lost... ( It was the point where I went to far ahead..) And where were you found.. ( It was the point where I found you..) So may strangers stare at my heaven.. ( Not enough people I know..) Underneath the waters where I drowned.. ( Could ever guide me home..) So I choose the direction toward the dark corners.. ( I walk into the waters in the dark..) And lose my footing yet again.. ( What is up and what is down..) Falling through free darkness.. (Panic assures me no right direction) I finally see where light begins.. (I will swim till I drown) Both of us are trapped here (Both of us are trapped here)