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Noah Apr 22
I've tried to tell you before,
I shouldn't have to say it again
I'm suffocating in the lies
Each one a knife
The blood spills down

My 'body' is a cage in which I tear
The bars replaced every time one falls down  
Each time I hear my 'name' I think I die a little bit more
inside
How much longer until I'm completely dead inside
I don't know if I'm even still alive
The blood mixes with the tears spilling out of me

I hide in my closet
It's dark in my closet
I can't see myself in my closet
No one can harm me here
But I'm still suffocating
Bre Jul 15
I’ve written before
About living in the grey
The in betweens and out of lucks.

I seem to never escape
The areas where the line blurs.
I don’t love just one part
I can’t be just one type
I’m a hurricane and a sprinkle
A little lost a little found  
Blue grey black yellow pink

These dualities live in me
The insecurity yet destiny
The anxiety yet certainty
The love of one v love of all
And above all
The absolute knowledge
That these dualities
Can’t
Be
Known.
"it's either my thyroid
or an iron deficiency"
i would say.

but it was always you:
etching away at
my waist
my thighs
my cheeks
straight
to the bare bone.

how did you expect me
to busy myself
while i slowly withered away,
waiting for the day
when you'd realize how
you
were the one
who was drowning me?

but it's just that
every ******* time our eyes met,
or we grazed each other
under the platonic guise,

i collapsed.

i exhaled,
retaining my semblance of calmness
while i dutifully
parted ways with
another fragment of my pure innocence;

i knew it was you.
it always was you.
Lily Feb 14
Walking on eggshells
You never knew what that quite meant
Until she came along
Aphrodite on earth
Tugging at your fingertips
Loving all your curves
Whispers in the night

She took your hand
And dragged you along
Through her personal fairy tale land

Her land
Her confidence
Her freedom so loud
You could see an eagle next to her

Why couldn’t you be like that?
Maybe she would’ve stayed if you had
But you had the voice of a mouse
The freedom of zoo animals
The land of the not-so-free

Perhaps she got sick of the endless hiding
You called them adventures,
hoping she would buy into the idea
Of sliding, sliding, sliding
Deeper into the closet
she had so proudly dug herself out of

It wasn’t meant to be
The girl of the trapped
And the girl of the free
Yet they so strongly held on
To giggles and cuddles
The love of your lifetime
But soon she was gone
it's been a day
since we last let our love seep through,
since you held me close
in that moment, now long gone.

then you shoved me away
once you'd had enough
of my then-green heart;
it's been a day.

your punches and kicks
have turned my heart black;
i will no longer feel.
i won't let myself.

"that didn't count,"
your worried soul insisted
never venturing beyond
your delicate bubble.

go after her then.
Leave me here,
a sinful
nothing.

go after her then.
go be
your father's
son.

love
is simply too elusive.
so you may as well
get comfortable.
Alice Dec 2018
My eyes linger
Just a little
Too long.
Quickly,
I avert my gaze,
As if my irises
Have been burned
By the sight,
By my shame.

Her lips are fresh
And pink.
I speak to them,
And I’m sure
She notices.

I wait for her
In the mornings
And eagerly
Anticipate her
Arrival to class,
Not-so-subtly
Saving a seat.

My heart flutters
At her casual
Touch.
My body leans in
And yearns
For more.

She is beautiful,
But she doesn’t know it.
I know I can’t have her,
But I crave her
Just the same.

It pains me
To keep my hands at my side,
To not cup her cheek,
To leave our fingers untangled,
To keep my sweet nothings
To myself.
E Dec 2018
I hold back and I hide.
I don’t share with the world what I am feeling inside.
I let myself think it,
I let myself believe it.
But if it never leaves my head,
Will it ever be real?

Why am I so afraid?
Speaking my truth is all that will give me peace.
I shrink back from it,
I’m curled up in a ball in the corner of my mind.
Waiting to be consumed,
The darkness surrounds me.

Sometimes I think I see the light,
Flickers here and there remind me I’m not alone.
I’ve almost followed them out,
Out of the darkness,
Out of the pain,
Out of the shadows of doubt and torment.

But as quickly as I stand up,
I am pulled right back.
I return to my corner,
It’s comfortable there.
The shadows are my friends,
The darkness shields me from pain.

But it’s the moments when her arms are around me,
It’s these moments when I run the hardest to get out.
Her eyes tell me I can do it,
Her touch tells me she’ll catch me.
But when I blink,
The shadows rush back in.

The darkness tells me to look away.
Look away, don’t let her pull you out!
This corner is where you are comfortable,
This corner protects you, remember?
I shrink back from her touch,
I look at anything but her.

Trapped or kept safe?
It’s an endless cycle and I can’t escape.
I curl back up into myself,
Shadows fall back across my shoulders.
I’m crying on the inside,
I’m smiling on the outside.

Oh to be free from the depths of my mind!
I think about leaving my corner,
Emerging from the darkness,
Brushing off the shadows.
Exclaiming to the world who I am!
And running straight to her.
ethan Aug 2018
when i was a freshman one of my friends told me that there was a girl who was talking about me
asking why i was pretending to be straight and that everyone could tell that i was ***
my friends and i laughed it off like children and i quipped “i’m not pretending anything, just ask anyone and they’ll know”

now, i think of the rainbow socks, the only thing i own with a rainbow on it, being shoved down to the bottom of my sock drawer as if it would pop out at any minute and proclaim it’s existence if it were any higher. now, i think of the rainbow highlight that i applies in the bathroom at midnight, pausing every now and again to make sure i was alone. Now, i think of the pride nail art that i scrubbed off my nails minutes after i painted it on. now, i think of the last word in a poem that i wrote and turned in, scared i was being too obvious with the word they.

now, i think of the horrible creature sitting in my chest that simultaneously begs to never tell my secrets and to also scream them from the roof tops. i think of the sludge that lives in me and climbs up my throat, whispering safety into my ear while also ripping apart everything it touches. i think of the pain i feel whenever i say that i’m ***, because it makes things easier if the works sees me as a girl who loves other girls.

before thinking of this poem i had sat back and wondered how many bottles it would take of the various prescription medicines that my parents kept in the kitchen cabinet to **** me. when i remembered the name they would put on the tombstone i stopped and walked away. i remember the time where i couldn’t walk away and i had reached in and grabbed a full bottle of ibuprofen and i took a single one, hoping that my screaming head could be sated by the feeling of a single pill crawling down my throat.

i had a dream last night about someone called addison.
they looked me in the eyes and before i even knew what they looked like their physical form flickered until they were a bright shining star in a vaguely human form.

they sat next to me as we floated in a void on a picnic blanket and they put their arm around my shoulder which felt like a hug from someone i used to know but had forgotten
i stared at their glasses that looked too much like mine as they flickered in and out of existence and they told me i was not where i was supposed to be.

i didnt ask them where but they heard it anyways as if breaking into my thoughts. they answered that they could not tell me and when i thought why they said they didn’t want to spoil the fun of a brighter future for them and me.

i woke up with the taste of lavender on my tongue and the desire to change my name.
i’m not sure who i want to be
"You better not be a lesbian"
Says the guy I love.

"It's just a phase"
Says a friend.

"Get over it"
Says my father.

"You're a Catholic"
Says my mother.

So now I try to hide,
All my feelings inside.

Messed up,
Bottled up.

I don't want to hide anymore,
I want to be myself.

I am proud,
I'll say it out loud.

I am a bisexual,
And no one can change that.
I am proud. It pains me knowing the fact that I can't really be true to myself in order to please those people who surround me.
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