Maybe it's the way the national flag flies so high
Despite the country's imperfections
Maybe it's the way we're united
Not separated, despite the difference in cultures,
Believes, traditions, languages

Maybe it's the way you see an Indian eating with chopsticks,
The way you see a Malay in a saree,
The way you see a Chinese making ketupat's for Hari Raya.

Maybe it's the unity you see,
Maybe it's the goosebumps you feel when you say Merdeka,
Maybe despite the hate you have towards history,
Deep down, you know how grateful you are to be Malaysian.

Maybe it's the way you walk into a mamak,
And say
" tauke tapau roti canai 1 milo ais 99 "
And maybe,
It lies in diversity,
Beyond everything else.

*Malaysia, tanah tumpahnya darahku.

Life is like a pizza. You crave for a larger one, thinking that you're hungry enough to finish everything yourself. That's like yourself 10 years ago, wanting to become an adult. Now that you're halfway there, all you want to do is go back to being a kid. Sometimes the pizza is too hot, and you've got to wait for it to settle down before shoving it down your throat. The same way, life gets a little rough sometimes, so you sit and wait impatiently, till it gets better. Sometimes, the pizza's too cold. So you heat it up a little. The same way, life gets a little boring sometimes. So you get yourself involved in **** that doesn't necessarily need your attention, under the name of "you only live once". Some pizza toppings are pushed away, because you don't like how it tastes. The same way, you neglect people just because you don't like them. On the other hand, you can't get enough of some pizza toppings. They're too good to stop eating. Those are like family and best friends, you just can't stay away. Although sometimes too much of the same topping makes you want to throw up, you order it the next time anyway, just because you like it. All said and done, at the end of the day, you finish the pizza. That's like death. You really wish there was more pizza, but there's just no more. Sometimes, there's too much, you throw it away. That symbolises suicide. When there's too much to deal with, and you just end it. The only difference is, you can always order another box of pizza, but you can't order another box of life.

Do you ever feel numb
It's that feeling when your whole world
Seems to fall apart right in front of you
And there's nothing you can do about it

It's that feeling when you're all choked up
And the words just won't seem to come out
The tears are stuck, and they strangle you
And all you feel is sole numbness

It's that feeling when you're indecisive
Do you not care anymore?
Or are you just really tired?
Or is this just a phase that will pass?

It's that feeling when you're exhausted
Mentally
Physically
Emotionally
And you wish to close your eyes

And never open them,
*Ever again.

I am not feeling well does not just mean the temperature you see on that thermometer,
it also means my body and it's burning desire to no longer be alive
I am not feeling well does not just mean my head feels heavy and I want to sleep,
it also means my heart is sinking to my feet and i physically feel it in my veins
I am not feeling well does not just mean I need a painkiller to take away the pain,
it also means i am dying to reach for the blade and tear my skin apart to feel something
I am not feeling well does not just mean the food I ate is making me feel like throwing up,
it also means my entire existence makes me sick to the point of death
I am not feeling well does not just mean I will feel better after I take this nap,
it also means i will take nap after nap after nap after nap hoping to feel alive again
I am not feeling well does not just mean my joints hurt and I need to slow down
it also means my body is tired of fighting a losing battle and i give up

because some days,
i wear my depression and
some days,
*my depression wears me

F for the fistfights I was asked to sit out of, because I was born with a different set of genitals
E for the equal rights I've been begging for, only to be let down time and over again
M for all the military applications that weren't even reviewed, because I seemed unfit for not having a pair of nuts
I for the inferno that you made me feel, fighting so hard to be a pilot that was obviously only ' a man's job '
N for the number of convictions the guy who ***** his girlfriend didn't have to face, because the way she dressed up showed that she "wanted"it
I for all the immoral stares that I couldn't counter back for the fear of your lawyers defending you saying it was a friendly one, for the fear of you blaming the shorts and crop top that I picked out for that lovely Sunday
S for all the standards that women themselves set for themselves, ***** standards; I'll do what I want and say what I want, I'll eat what and I want and dress the way that I feel like I need to, I'll wear bikinis that probably doesn't flatter my body and height but you know what? I don't give two flying f**ks
M for the mortals   that made it necessary for feminism to even exist

This morning
I woke up and I told myself
It's a new day,
It's a new life.

This afternoon
I got home from school and I told myself
You're closer to your goals,
And closer to your deadlines.

This evening
I got up from a nap and I told myself
If you refuse to work for it,
How will you ever get there?

Tonight
Before I go to bed I will remind myself

" You are capable of great things,
But those great things are fruits of your labor. "

If you refuse to work hard now,

There's
no room
for regret
in the
*future.

I never had the privilege to know you well enough,
I never had a chance to meet you in person,
But I know you well enough,
To know that you've changed the lives of millions.

It takes real talent,
To be able to touch and alter,
The deepest, darkest,
Corners of the human mind.

Yet,
It's something you did almost effortlessly,
You showed us the power of the pen,
And the paper.

You may have left us,
But you will never be forgotten,
This is a promise.

Settle your head on the deep, green grass,
For I'm about to take you on a journey that will last.
Wipe away your tears,
And chase away your fears.

Stare into the sky,
Do you want to fly?
Do you want to fight;
With all your might?

Do you want to prove them wrong,
For making you look anything but strong?
Do you want to carve your success,
And show them your progress?

Do you want to win,
Even if emotions slam you down with a pin?
Do you want to live,
Even if nights make you want to walk off a cliff?

You need to win this battle.
Not against society,
Not against your neighbour.
Not against your best friend,
Not against your boyfriend.

You need to win this battle,
Against the demons in your head.
You need to win this battle,
For yourself.


For once in your life, put yourself above everyone else.
*It will make a difference.

The human mind is a miracle,
I'd call it the pinnacle.

Where postivity runs free,
And negativity buzzes like a bee.

Where confidence is rare,
But insecurity appears bare.

Where dissatisfaction is common,
And unhappiness looks like an almond.

Where serenity is easily found,
And everyone is home bound.

Where your darkness thoughts collide,
And your happiest thoughts are tied.

Where your memories are bottled up,
And your bad luck is thrown away in a cup.

Where living seems easy on the surface,
*But surviving somehow, became a race.

where is my indian
is it in the way i don't use my palms as a medium to transport rice into the back of my mouth
is it in the way my face turns gloomy at the sight of spice and curry
is it in my skin color that isn't as brown as you need it to be
is it in my eyebrows which aren't as bushy as per your requirements

is it in the way my tongue twists awkwardly as i say happy diwali
is it in the way amma is the most fluent piece of tamil i speak
is it in the way i didn't know how to recite the words at my grandpas funeral
is it in the way i cannot, for the life of me, name you another tamil movie besides chandramukhi?

or

is it in the religious classes i took up until age 12
is it in the ramayana epic that i learnt, age 8
is it in the sanskrit bhajans i was made to sing, not knowing what they meant, age 10
is it in knowing that ganesh is the remover of obstacles,
brahma, vishnu, shiva - the creator, the preserver, the destroyer

is it in the eyeliner drawing a bindi in between my eyes when i
head to the temple, to present myself as indian

where is my indian
is it on a checklist, is there a passing mark?
where is my indian
please tell me,
because i am tired of feeling like a foreigner in my own skin

they say empty vessels make the most noise
here i am, tearing my skin wide open
leaving myself right here in the hell we call earth
opening my heart just to be shot back down, again
here i lay, my body and mind empty
my heart blank, my limbs suffocating
my brain worn out and my fingers twitching
here i am, vulnerable and
empty

but here i am, not being able to make a sound
i open my mouth to speak but the words just won't come out
i am trying, i am trying
but my soul has shut down
i am silent
i am an empty vessel, a blank canvas
but i am not making the most noise, im not making any noise
just
because i don't  remember how to

i still am trying to hold back my tears as i write this down. i thought about on my way home and debated with myself for a good 3 hours and decided that i have to write this, if not for people, for myself.

i visited the ward as a visitor today. it felt weird to be on the other side of the door. it felt weird to be on the other side of the glass, and it felt weird to look into the eyes of someone i once knew.

it hurt that as soon as i walked through the open doors, i hear the screams of a man speaking in a language i did not understand. it hurt to watch him being pinned down by 2 men almost twice his size. it hurt to watch his mental pain being temporarily stopped with physical pain.

it hurt as we started talking. it took almost every ounce of courage inside of me to hold my tears back, because i knew that me crying would dampen his spirits and affect his recovery. and i knew exactly what that feels like.

it hurt to sit back and watch him explain his illness in terms i knew far too well. it hurt to hear him say " stay here, you would understand this more than anybody else. " it hurt that i understood. it hurt that for that brief moment, i didn't want to understand. i didn't want to be in there. my legs were shaking but i listened anyway.

it hurt to hear him explain how the electricity worked and hurt his jaws. it hurt to tell him to be strong, because i knew how much it would take out of him to just try. it hurt that he cracked up jokes in the middle of our conversations, i didn't feel like laughing at all.

it hurt to watch so many people suffering from illnesses they never asked for, it hurt to watch so many of you suffering from the pain you don't deserve. it hurt to just sit there and not be able to do anything about it. it hurt.

but it hurt because it wasn't my place to feel hurt, it was yours. it was your place to scream and shout. it was your place to cry and break down into a million pieces.

but it hurt because you couldn't, because in your head you are fine. in your head, you're at work. in your head, none of this ever happened. in your head, 20 cops didn't restrain you. in your head, this is a perfect world.



but it didn't hurt because i knew deep in my heart that no matter what, the way i feel about you will never change. the strong, courageous, brave, joyful, kind, happy man that i grew up knowing will always have a place in my heart. no amount of ect's and antidepressants will take that away.

*so thank you, for opening my eyes to all the pain in the world.  thank you, for making me understand that there is greater suffering in the world. thank you, for teaching me the value of gratefulness. thank you, for educating me, even if it was through your suffering.

generation d
generation depressed bold, underlined, size 12, arial
generation death is no longer a want it's a need, look at the eyebags this education chose to breed
generation dizzy this tequila doesn't burn as much as your name on the tip of my tongue does
generation dish your depression jokes on a platter, serve it warm, cold, frozen - whatever makes you laugh goes, right?
generation dobby is not a ******* free elf

generation dopamine, because honestly, where the **** is mine

my sadness knows no love
my sadness knows no fear
my sadness knows no pain
my sadness knows no end
my sadness knows no happy endings
my sadness knows no sleep

my sadness knows lies
my sadness knows death
my sadness knows scars
my sadness knows eulogies
my sadness knows 2am voices
my sadness knows 4am shadows

my sadness - knows how to hit every Self-Destruct button and watch me disintegrate into a million and one pieces, and then hits the buttons again

Boeing 777
MH17
17/7/14.

“ Most of the passengers had no race,
But today they gained a nationality.
Today, we are united in grieve. “

Tragedy struck again,
One strike after another,
One blow after another.

Today, we lost 295 people,
Out of a grand total of 7.046 billion people.

To an individual,
The figures may mean nothing,
Comparatively.

But as a nation,
This was a hard one to accept.

How do you digest the fact that
295 people lost their future,
Overnight.

How do you digest the fact that
295 people are gone just like that.

How do you accept the fact that
Your country is falling apart,
Slowly,
But surely.

Violet was the color of her eyes when she spoke so fondly about the characters from her favorite novel
Red was the color of the blood dripping down her skin, the day the thorns pierced into them; while playing hide and seek in her favorite park
Blue was the color of her tranquility, her ability to not get angry at almost anything
Yellow was the color of her anger when she did lose her temper
White was the color of her personality, so pure it made the color itself look impure
And turquoise was the color of her heart, simply because it was her favorite color
Indigo was the side of her that gave, and gave; the side of her that never put herself before anyone or anything
Grey was the side of her that enjoyed sleeping in & having conversations in her head


If these colors were personalities, she would have been diagnosed with split personality disorder

But she isn't sick, she's just colorful

*She isn't sick, she's just colorful.

I haven't been able to write,
Because I haven't been feeling right.

I tried to think of something positive,
With the hopes that things will turn out ok
But the moon kept sinking,
And the sun kept rising.

Into the horizon I stared,
Hoping for a spark to appear,
A flame to ignite,
A path to be written

I don't know what I want
I don't know what I need
I don't know who I want
I don't know who I need

I don't know
But it's okay
I don't want to know
I don't need to know

I want to make the most
Out of this very moment.



Now, I feel



*Infinite.

You're sitting here on the internet,
Scrolling past timelines and getting into cyber wars.
But in some part of the world,
A child is losing her parents.
A nephew is losing his aunt.
A granddaughter is losing her grandmother
A boy is losing his cousin.
A woman is losing her husband.

A boy is being gunned down,
A girl is being forced to starve,
A boy is being forced to watch his parents die,
A girl is being forced into believing her grandmother is asleep.

Blood runs down like streams,
Peacefulness is completely being snatched,
They are treated like trash in their own country,
And everything is being taken away.

Don't you dare say you can't do anything about it,
Because everything makes a difference.

A word,
A phrase,
A thought,
*Just a sense of concern.

Depression - My Story

I suffered in silence. For months, I felt like I was making excuses for myself and being lazy. The once bright, smart, cheerful me disappeared a bit at a time. With each wave, I'd feel more exhausted than I already did before. I felt tired, hopeless and dead on the inside for as long as I can remember. I started losing interest in some of my favorite things and even basic things like eating and showering had drained the living daylight out of me.

And then I tried to reach out to my friends. My head was telling me that I needed help, I couldn't do it on my own anymore. My body was reluctant but there were only two obvious options - help, or death. I tried therapy once, I gave up. Soon, everything kept *******. My life was out of order. I couldn't get out of bed for days, I was self-harming. I saw myself get into substance abuse and was counting on alcohol to get me through my days.

My grades suffered too, I could no longer focus on anything at all. I couldn't sit through a 2 hour movie, I couldn't pay attention to a one hour lecture, I couldn't finish a novel for over 6 months and I still haven't ( I'm the kind of person who finishes at 400 page novel in 2 days, mind you ), I couldn't hold conversations without zoning out. My sleep schedule was altered terribly and all I thought about was death. I was numb, emotionally empty and gone. I had lost my willingness to live and through all of that, I kept pushing myself to achieve good grades just to prove that I could do it. That, being my biggest mistake.

Each time I felt like I had won the battle in my head, it would last a week at most. I would then find myself falling into the same black hole and crawling, choking, gasping for air and trying to find my way out of it. I felt like I was doomed into eternal damnation and that was it for me. My life was over.

And then, came hope.

I think I finally accepted how terrible things were  after my numerous suicide attempts, and soon I had no choice but to leave my Pre-University course and seek for help, and this time quitting was not an option. I will always remember the day my parents and I decided that I would pack my things and leave college immediately. Two of my closest friends sat on my bed, we held hands and exchanged prayers for my recovery. These are the very friends who opened their home for me every time I had an episode. The very friends who rush from class with food for me every time I am too tired to get out of bed. The same friends who cook dinner for me, wake me up each morning. Send me messages of encouragement, and most of all - constantly pray for me. The same friends who saved my life, time and over again. And through it all, chose to love me without ever complaining.

Order still isn't restored, I still have my ugly days. I still see my psychiatrist, I'm still on antidepressants. But now, I know that my life isn't over. As a matter of fact, my life has just begun; and I have a purpose. One of my greatest dreams is to inspire people and so, I want my story to make a difference to anyone who feels like they are alone. To anyone who feels like the answer to all your suffering and pain is suicide, to anyone who feels like depression has taken over their lives and to anyone, who feels like no one understands. To anyone who feels like it is over.

Depression isn't just the lack of love, it isn't just the loss of a loved one. Not just how you feel after a broken relationship or when you fail your exams. I had more love that I ever deserved, I had all the support in the world. I had amazing people around me who more than anything - wanted me to survive. I'm not there yet, but I know that some day, I will be.

My depression does not define me. My scars carry more stories than my heart ever will, and my smile, it carries stories of how recovery; like I once said, isn't a myth. It is possible.

Through it all, I owe my greatest thank you's to my family, friends, lecturers and psychologists for never once giving up on me, even when I did. To the people I barely even knew who reached out to me every time I was starting to sound suicidal on my social media accounts. For never complaining, for being my rock. I love each and every one of you so much.

A little note to you, reader.

Hey you,

First, I want to tell you that you have nothing to prove. You live for yourself and every single one of us has a different journey. I want you to know that things will get better. It sounds clichè, I know. Everyone says the same **** thing, I know that too. But I promise you, the sun will rise again and the storm will pass. Darkness will evaporate and light will surround you. The weight of the world will be lifted off your shoulders, and life will restart. You will live, you will get through this. I am with you. Now, and always.

I could chug a ciggarette
Or I could chew some gum instead

I could keep reaching for the blade
Or I could just reach for the color pencils instead

I could gulp down a Heineken
Or I could settle for green tea instead

I could roll some ****
Or I could just paint a scenery instead

They say we're all addicted to something
That takes the pain away

I say otherwise.

We're all addicted to something
Just because we long for temporary satisfaction
We're all addicted to something
Just because we think it heals
We're all addicted to something
Just because, we made a choice

You don't sit there and say
" It's the only escape I have "
Because no, it's not
You make a choice

And that choice you make,
*It defines who you are.

The leaves sway in synchrony
To the rhythm of the melancholic wind
There were whispers,
Growls, sobs,
All hidden deep within
The folds of the loud,
Inhuman cries.

Her mood swings in sychrony
To the rhythm of the melancholic lyrics
There were whispers,
Hope, faith,
All hidden deep within
The depths of the silent,
*Human mind.

You wanna know what it's like to love?
When you feel so lost in time and every second that's passing feels so unreal?
You wanna know what it's like to feel like choking on tears at 3 in the morning?
When time refuses to pass and every second feels like a ticking atomic bomb?
You wanna know what it feels like to be ripped off your sanity?
You wanna know what it feels like to have *** for the first time?
You wanna know what it feels like to try so hard and fail?
You wanna know what it feels like to fall out of love and experience the kind of sadness you never thought you'd feel?
You wanna know what it feels like to be kissed in every spot that drives you insane?
You wanna know what it feels like to have someone talk about you behind your back?
You wanna know what it feels like to smile like nothing has happened?
You wanna know what it feels like to get wasted on your birthday?
You wanna know what it feels like to have cigarette smoke filling your airways?


Then you **** right feel it.
Then you **** right experience it.
Then you **** right give yourself a chance.

By the time you're 20,
No one gives a **** if you're a ******,
No one gives a **** if you were the top student in '09
No one gives a **** if you were so drunk you couldn't remember your own name
No one gives a **** if you were so choked by cigarette smoke you thought you were suffocating to death
No one gives a **** if you almost rammed into a tree on your 16th birthday
And sure as hell,
No one gives a **** because let me tell you this.


It is your **** life,
*So you **** right do whatever the hell you want to do.

Red,
Was the color of the blood running through her veins.

Red,
Was the color of her hope painted out on a thin, white canvas.

Red,
Was the color of her eyes the day you walked away.

Red,
Was the color dashed all over Gaza.

Red,
Was the color of her screams magnified as her family was gunned down.

Red,
Was the color of anger when you broke your promises.

Red,
Was the color of her parents heart when she succeeded.

Red,
Was the color that lit her whole universe,
Till the day you walked away.

Here's a list of reasons;
1. Your mother carried you in her womb for 9 whole months
2. She went through hell giving birth to you
3. Your dad spent his entire life savings buying your diapers and clothes
4. Your little sister looks up to you
5. Your cousin wants to be able to smile as bright as you do
6. Your niece wants to be a good poet, just like you are
7. Your grandmother wants to watch her granddaughter at her graduation
8. Your boyfriend wants to spend the rest of his life with you
9. Your favorite music bands need your support
10. Your favorite tv shows need you to stay up late waiting for the next episode to be released
11. Your favorite books needs a reader who would read it over and over again
12. Your pen and paper need an artist who is inspired by everything around him/her
13. You make a difference
14. You matter
15. Because you were brought into the world for a reason, and for that ******* reason, you shall be alive.

It is unfair how the girl who died of cancer is given more recognition than one who died of heartbreak it is unfair how the boy who died because he was bullied is given more recognition than the boy who died because everyone around him was too blind to realize how alone he was feeling it is unfair that the girl who choked on bleach was given a memorial all across the globe and the girl who choked on years that September night still remains a Jane Doe to most of us it is unfair that the woman who died protecting her son from her abusive husband is cared for more than the woman who died trying to make sure her baby gets out of her womb safe and sound it is unfair that the father who died being stabbed by his son who wasn't mentally stable is given more recognition than the father who died trying to make sure there was food on the table for his family it is unfair how the people who die with a sad story are made famous compared to the ones who died trying it is unfair how we select who's death goes viral and who's doesn't it is unfair to judge a dead person based on their status, materials, wealth and everything else that is temporary


But most of all?
It is unfair to serve justice to someone only after they are gone, forever

you may think this is going to be a list of how i almost killed myself about 10 times, or how i was stuck in the psychiatric ward but no, it isn't.

1. Depression taught me to rely on God. I found my faith and realized that my God is bigger than my mental illness. I found light even in darkness and learned to lean on Him more than I ever have, and I am so grateful.

2. Depression taught me to stand on my own two feet. I learned very early into my diagnosis that I had to save myself because no prince or princess charming was going to come in a pumpkin carriage and sweep me off my feet and no fairy godmother is going to flick her wand and take my illness away. It was my battle to fight.

3. Depression showed me the people who loved me for me. It was quite easy to figure out the people who wanted something from me and the people who wanted me. It was heartbreaking to realize the truth, but better late than never hey? Cutting off everyone who only chose to be a part of my life for their selfish needs has done me more good than any other choice I've made thus far, I am so happy.

4. Depression taught me to be kind. Being thrown into what felt like the deepest pits of hell taught me what pain truly feels like. I had always known that mental illnesses were torturous, but experiencing it first hand is a whole new level and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemies. I learned that everyone is suffering and we all fight battles, and how important it is to recognize that the person next to you may be going through hell and just chooses to be silent about it. Be kind. It may not mean anything to you, but it may mean the world to the person next to you.

5. Depression taught me that I am a strong *******. It tried to break me, over and over again. It put thoughts into my head and told me I wasn't good enough and I would never be, good enough. It told me I had to harm myself to feel things and it told me I would be better off dead. It told me I wasn't worth of love, happiness, kindness - I wasn't worth anything. It told me to wreck myself because I meant nothing anyway. It told me to make decisions that only made me feel worse because at that point - I would have done anything to take the pain away. But here I am today, able to write all of this without shedding a single tear. Because I am strong. I suffered, but I survived. And nobody will ever, be able to take that away from me.

6. The last, and most important lesson. I've always wanted to change lives, make a difference. Depression taught me that I didn't need to change 200 lives at once. I didn't need to change the world when I was 18 years old. All I needed to do was listen to someone, give someone a hug. Talk to someone when they needed a friend. I was changing the world, even if I didn't realize it. And I will continue to do it.



To everyone who's wondering, I'm off anti-depressants now. The fear of relapse constantly does bug me, but my will to survive exceeds everything else. I am a fighter. And so are you.

" Don't listen to pop punk,
Don't listen to rock,
Those are the words of the devil,
Those aren't words you should be saying",
The mother lectures.

If only she knew,
The way Sleeping With Sirense churned my emotions,
The way Roger Rabbit gave me confidence,
The way Who Are You Now gave me perspective,
The way With Eyes To See and Ears To Hear made me feel okay.

The way Pierce The Veil messed with my thoughts,
The way Hell Above filled me with anger,
The way Million Dollar Houses filled me with hope,
The way King For A Day boosts my energy.

The way All Time Low brought forth my happiness,
The way A Love Like War made me feel so alive,
The way I Feel Like Dancin' made me feel like dancing,
The way Therapy, gave me therapy.

The way My Chemical Romace inspired me,
The way Welcome To The Black Parade gave me faith,
The way I Don't Love You ignited strength within me,
The way Teenagers made me feel normal.

The way You Me At Six enlightened me with joy,
The way Stay With Me made me feel whole,
The way Lived A Lie made me want to punch a wall,
The way Crash made me feel like crashing.

The way Mayday Parade poked daggers through my soul,
The way Miserable At Best lifted up my sunken ship,
The way Terrible Things made me feel like I was going to recover,
The way Stay made me want to stay.

The way Linkin Park generated electricity in my veins,
The way Numb made me feel numb,
The way Castle of Glass built me up all over again,
The way Breaking the Habit gave me the resilience to get up and fight.

fear is looking the mirror and watching
all your flaws scream at you
one at a time
every day
fear is never being good enough
to live up to expectations
day by day
minute by minute
fear is running away from reality
because the places in your head
provide a better serenity
every second
fear is knowing you're afraid
but not being able to do anything about it
fear is a vortex
fear ***** out your courage
self esteem
hope
faith
everything, it takes everything away.
fear is a call into the open void
fear is a parallel universe on it's own
fear is oblivion,
fear is the ultimate weapon of destruction
fear is disability
fear is drive,
fear is parasite,
fear is unforgiving
fear is merciless
fear, is what i felt
the day i knew everything i put my hope and faith into,
was a lie all along

forgive the disorientatedness of this poem, it reflected the condition of my *mind and heart.

Don't tell me to get of my phone and play hopscotch in the wilting paddy fields across the house
the same paddy field that decorated the chest of every newspaper last Thursday, written across the title  in bold; 6 year old girl strangled to death

don't tell me to get off my couch and try make some friends
the same friends that got my neighbour's daughter gangraped at her sixteenth birthday party

don't tell me to only fall in love with a person of the opposite gender,
not after hearing the screams of the lady across these cracked walls, whom as usual would make excuses to cover up the reasons behind the galaxy toned punch scars across her no longer smooth skin, a result of being beaten up by her drunk husband each night

don't tell me writing isn't going to get me anywhere, that only science will, not after you've seen me bleed across these pages trying to make you understand my passion and love for writing & trust me when I say these numbers & stupid scientific terms will never be able to diffuse into my numb skull the way these lovely letters  have

don't tell me that the numbers written on one piece of paper that is graded by a person who probably had a million and one reasons to make me fail, defines  my intelligence, not after looking at that girl from high school who failed  her maths & ended up becoming a world renowned poet

don't tell me that it's right to hate a person because they were born a shade darker than I am, not after the person who saved my life that summer night I was sprawled across the bathroom floor, overdosed on drugs, was 'fifteen shades darker' than me

don't tell me that I don't have a right to stand up to you because I'm younger than you, not after a 50 year old man ***** his 12 year old student; in no way does your age define your maturity

and dear generation X & Y,

don't tell me what is wrong and right, for I am old enough to face the consequences of my actions, for there is no way I will learn without making mistakes,

and dear generation  X & Y,


we'll show you how life should be lived.

Thank you, sit down.

Yin and Yang
Active and Passive
Positive and Negative
Good and bad
Happy and sad
Agree and disagree
Yes and no
Satisfaction and dissatisfaction
Success and failure

As far as I see it,
There are three options.
Black, and white, and grey.

You draw the line between what seems like direct opposites,
You decide what you want to be,
You decide what you want to feel.
And when you can't,
You lie within the grey space,
But it's okay.

Even in the grey space,
*You matter.

I'm not funny
Nor am I pretty
I'm not skinny
Nor am I beautiful
I'm not perfect
Nor do I long to be

I don't have a nice smile
Nor a nice body
I don't have silky hair
Nor smooth skin
I don't have a thigh gap
Nor a flat stomach

But maybe
Just maybe
I don't really care that I don't

Maybe
Just maybe
I've finally learnt to accept myself
For who I am
And who I am not

And if you're okay with that,
We could be friends
But if you're not,
You're more than welcome to walk away

Goodnight.

; placing the weight of the entire world on my shoulders
; trying to fulfil everyone's expectations towards me
; breaking down when the pressure tears me into pieces
; not focusing when I'm supposed to be most focused
; trying to explain myself to people who look at me like I'm a joke
; ruining my dreams with negative thoughts of myself
; expecting so much from myself to the very extent of me wrecking myself if I don't achieve what I want
; placing myself in the midst of chaos and not knowing how to scream " I need help "
; letting myself drown over and over again, after trying so hard to lift my head above the water
; never being good enough for myself
; trying to make anyone understand the noises in my head

you are the nerves in my sunken brain
you are the dead sockets in my eyes
you are the blood in my stained veins
you are the quotes on my favorite book
you are the verse of my favorite song
you are the chords in my favorite piano piece
you are the flowers in my garden
you are the soil that keeps the grass growing
you are the dance my body breaks into
you are the memory behind the burning letters
you are the intense reason behind my sleepless nights
you are the elixir to my hopeless days
you are the star in the center of my galaxy
you are the lost concentration when i study
you are the face that captures my attention
you are the scent that i can't get over
you are the reason behind this relapse
you are the reason behind my shivering fingers
you are the reason behind this writer's block
you are the definition of ephemeral dalliance
you are the evocative thoughts that cloud my mind
you are the aftertouch that dissolves in my skin
you are the talisman that keeps me going
you are the penumbra of happiness
you are the reason behind my facade of nonchalance


you are everything that i think you are,
*& everything i think you are not.

numbness to pain does not make it
non existent
floating imaginations do not make them
unreal
(h)arsh reality does not make it
fiction
big dreams do not me(a)n they're
unattainable
high **(p)es do not mean you're
delusional
sadness does not mean
depress(i)on
happi(n)ess doesn't have to mean you're
bipolar
wanting more do(e)sn't make you
ungrateful
and all these words that (s)ociety uses against you
to make you feel

weak

unaccepted


vulnerable
&

broken



di(s)card them.

all you need,
to be happy
is positivity

*this is my promise to you.

pop the xanax
before dawn, they will turn their backs
pop the xanax
both hands behind your head, standing on the edge of the decks
pop the xanax
maybe if you try you'll figure out all the hacks
pop the xanax
what else tonight, dewars or shots of jacks
pop the xanax
don't keep telling me what my brain lacks
pop the xanax
what does it feels like to have dosages on max
pop the xanax
do you still try to forget, inhaling cigarette smoke by the packs
pop the xanax
you don't understand mother, my thoughts come from a buy one free one off the racks
pop the xanax
does it take your mind off everything, all that ***?
pop the xanax
my sadness shows up on time, always reminding that there's tax
pop the xanax
i tried to light up a candle to cast away the darkness but then it started to burn, all that wax

just pop the ******* xanax

It's that feeling of being so close
Yet not achieving

It's that feeling of falling so hard
Yet losing it all

It's that feeling of giving it your all
Yet not getting there

It's that feeling of surrendering your soul
Yet being let down, over and over again

It's that feeling of becoming tougher
Yet being crushed down, over and over again

It's that feeling of putting your trust in someone
Yet being stabbed in the back, oh so hard

It's that feeling of putting so much hope in something
Yet knowing that it'll never work

It never has, and it never will?

But you get up anyway,
And you try,
And you keep trying,
And you try anyway.

Because that's how you were raised;
*To keep trying
and never die,
a quitter.

First off, you probably already know I am a people hoarder. I keep everyone close to my heart, even the ones I know I shouldn't. But like poison, you crept into my blood stream and choked me. You watched me suffer and scream for help and watched, because that is what you are - a watcher.

I want you to know this wasn't an easy decision to make. Regardless of good or bad, you played a role in my life and kept the balance going. But I've decided to disrupt the balance - as silly as it sounds. I told myself I was going to give, and give until I have nothing left to give. But I've seen emptiness. And the dark scares me.

I've realized that it is pointless to **** myself for someone who doesn't see my worth. Call me petty, call me self-centred. I will not sacrifice for someone whose intention is to use me. There is, a fine line between being kind and naive. Unfortunately, it was you who made me realize the difference.

I'm sorry you mistakened my kindness for " hey please step all over my head because I'd never find out anyway. " I'm sorry you thought I hadn't heard of the story of broken glass. When glass breaks, you can fix it. It'll just never look the same. Glue, tape - hate, love. I tried it all. It never really does work, you know. The story isn't cooked up.

I'm sorry you took my company for granted because I don't know if my absence will affect you - but I should learn how to no longer care. Don't get me wrong, it's going to hurt. But sometimes you have to just pull through - because that is exactly what life is about.

Having you in my life has affected me terribly in some ways. You watched as I hit my lowest - as I fell into deep rubbles, as I walked out of it fighting, only to hit the ground again every single time. I'm sorry you had to see the worst of me, and didn't know what to do or say. I forgive you - you didn't deserve to see me that way, I apologize.

I still wish you the very best in everything that you do. You were once upon a time all I thought I needed, but it is time to let go. I loved you then, I love you still. I'll light up candles for you occasionally, and I am sorry it had to end this way.

Take care, stranger. I think I'll miss you forever.

when your body burnt to ashes-

I stopped believing that God was real
If He was real, why weren't my prayers answered
Why wasn't all my tears on New Years Eve accounted for
Why wasn't I even gifted enough to say goodbye one last time

I stopped believing love is real
It wasn't strong enough to keep you from leaving
It wasn't true enough to make you last one more night
Everything I had grown to love was built on a lie

when my friend fell into pieces-

I stopped believing that strength is real
If you could fight all the years of pain, why was this one any harder?
If he was tough as steel, why did the tears run down his face?
Everything I had grown to believe was built on a lie

I stopped believing in promises
You said you loved each other and then you both hated each other
You said I would get better and yet I find myself thinking of a million different ways I could take away all of this
Everything I had tried to put my faith in, was a lie


This life is nothing, and I am nothing.
I have nothing to lose and I give up.

*Death, you win.

sitting here in the dark
i silently stare at my laptop screen
no, it isn't brighter than the way my future will turn out


this is me,
after months and months of deceiving myself
only trusting the stupid, stupid definitions of happiness that I had locked within my head

i have gotten over myself


i can be happy just because i choose to be
i can not care about everything any of you have to say about me just because i choose not to
i can only move in by chanting the words & the names of people who make me forget what it's like to feel alone


this is it,
it's my turn to be happy and
no one,
is ever going to be able to take this away from me


.

at 3 i am a girl
all I want is to grow up to be a princess
Hopefully with a Prince Charming and a castle

At 5 I got asked what my ambition was
Even then I wanted to be a princess
But not with a castle, I already knew it wasn't going to come true

At 7, I got asked what my ambition was
Then, I changed my mind
I wasn't going to be a princess, it was all in my head.

At 10, I decided I was going to become a doctor
I had watched my close kin bleed out to death in an operation theatre
And I wanted to be a doctor who saved every life that came knocking on my door

At 13, I was too caught in the middle of my friends problems
I spent my days healing broken hearts and listening to stories that I forgot that I had my own stories
Just no one to speak them out to

At 16, I wanted to be a psychiatrist
I was willing to take on the problems of the whole universe
And then I realized the weight was too much for me to bear

At 18, I want to be a person. I want to feel things
I don't want to store them in a box and throw the key away
I don't want to hold my tears back
I don't want to live for anyone around me
I want to live for myself
And there's nothing else I'd rather be because
No one does me better than me

Maybe goodbyes actually mean
You'll do better without me

Maybe I give up actually means
I'll try again tomorrow but for now, I'm done

Maybe I hate you actually means
I'm tired of trying to love you and getting pushed away

Maybe I'm sorry actually means
I didn't mean for you to find out

There is good in bad,
There is bad in good.

You can't deny it,
Nor can you run away from it.

*Like a phoenix,
You rise from the ashes.

I am human
I am selfish
and sometimes selfless
I am broken
and sometimes whole
I am unintellectual
and sometimes full of knowledge
I am capable
and sometimes insecure

I am destructive
and sometimes constructive
I am emotionless
and sometimes too emotional
I am happy
and sometimes far too upset
I make sense
and sometimes I'm just contradictory

But there's one thing I had in mind
throughout the construction of this poem.

*I am who I am,
And nothing you say or do,
Will make me feel otherwise.

Yesterday a question got me thinking
I never got an answer, I'm hoping I will by the end of this poem


" How do you explain color to a blind man "
How do you explain how red and blue makes purple?
How do you explain how red and yellow makes orange?
How do you explain that the sky is of different shades of turquoise, blue, purple, red, depending on it's mood?
How do you explain the clarity of the clouds on a hot day?
How do you explain the greyness on the clouds, on a gloomy Sunday?
How do you explain the transparent color of the raindrops?
How do you explain the glossy finish on the sea water?
How do you explain the greenness of a forest?
Or the deep red blood that flows in your veins?
How do you do it, to a person who sees nothing, but black;
In a world so cruel?


" How do you explain sound to a deaf man"
How will I explain the beauty of a piano piece?
How will I explain the serenity of the da capo in a violin piece?
How will I explain the stress releasing qualities of drums being slammed?
How will I explain the tears of a newborn baby?
How will I explain the laughter of a newly married woman?
How will I explain the swish of the droplets colliding like bullets on the surface of a waterfall?
How will I explain the glass-like water cascading down the lake?
How will I explain all this, to a man;
Who lives in utter silence.


Maybe that is why I read,
*Do not mock a pain you have not endured.

my body and thoughts are split into half right in the middle
there is a parallel cut right through my heart, splitting me into two

there is a part of me that wants to survive to see tomorrow,
and then a part of me that is so tired and just needs it to end; now

there is a part of me that wants to prove that recovery is possible,
and then a part of me that says maybe you won't be the one to prove it

there is a part of me that wants to write, and keep writing
and then a part of me that just wants to sleep and never wake up

there is a part of me that wants to get married, have kids and be happy
and then a part of me that says i would slit my wrists and my kids would be traumatized for life

there is a part of me that tries to convince me that tomorrow will be better

but how many times do you have to tell yourself that tomorrow will be better - before tomorrow is actually better?

i am two halves that contemplate between life and death,
and i am not sure i will ever be whole and choose only life;

make this stop.

this one is
for the one's who stay up all night counting scars
instead of stars
for the one's who rely on the blades to keep breathing
for the one's who feel numb to the pain
for the one's who feel the need to end everything,
but can't find the courage to
for the one's who no longer know what it's like to smile
for the one's who are too afraid to get help
for the one's who are depressed, but constantly shut out
for the one's who are truly broken, but are labelled attention seekers
for the one's who no longer see a purpose in life
for the one's who view each day as a struggle
for the one's who built a caves inside their hearts
for the one's who feel tears choking their insides
for the one's who no longer are able to count the number of slashes on their wrists
for the one's who look in the mirror and see a monster reflecting back
for the one's who grew demons in their hearts instead of flowers
for the one's who refuse to be happy because it's going to be taken away
for the one's who lost someone who meant the world to them, and don't know what to do to get over it
for the one's who can't let go
for the one's who are stuck in the past
for the one's who are in love
for the one's who are happy
for the one's who are contented
for the one's who finally accept themselves



this,
is for


*everyone

And as I took a step back
And as I carved a hollow spot where you once belonged
And as I became an empty vessel
I had nothing left to say.

As the ruthless thunder smashes on the trees
On a rather cold yet blurry night
As the wild gusts of wind break the silence
Oh, such a shame it is
As the bullets ran through the roof
Of this creaky wooden hut

" Daddy, daddy I'm scared",
The little girl pleaded
" Close your eyes, little one",
Daddy didn't know what to say,
Or what to do
Or what would make them feel better
Or what would save their lives

Bang
Bang
Bang
The old man looked up to his little girl
And tears ran down his face

I'm sorry,
*I couldn't save you.

This is a note to everyone,
It's words I could never bring myself to say,
And my invisible shield being ripped away willingly.
It's emotions I was too afraid to show,
And now I bring them forth for each and every single one of you who feasted your fiery eyes upon every word that came out of the deepest valleys of my worn out soul.

To the ones I've loved & lost,
Every one of you thought me different things
Some of you were blessings,
Some of you were curses,
I'm sorry I couldn't keep you in my life,
But I hope you found people that could.

To the ones I've ignored & deleted,
I wish I never met any of you,
For the pain and despair you made me feel,
For the regretful decisions you made me make,
But I wish the best for all of you,
I hope you achieve your dreams and see the light, in the places where darkness was all I felt.

To the ones I love & adore,
I don't know what I'd be without any of you,
Thank you for being my rock,
For always guiding me and filling me with laughter,
For making sure I never go back to being who I was,
I hope to never misplace any of you while searching for some of my missing pieces to fill this puzzle I started making, 17 years ago.

To the ones I've forgotten & ignored,
I hope you know how tremendously sorry I am,
I didn't make the decision,
I ran out of options.
Think about where were you when all I needed was to feel wanted,
Think about the day you told me I was part of you,
Only to find out that you lied; the very next day,
I hope you find better people that will fall for your venomous words that still pierce through every vein in my aching body, as I struggle to find freedom; in what used to feel like home.

To everyone I have met,
To the words that shifted my perspectives,
To the waves that churned my thoughts,
To the strangers I failed to have gotten to know,
To the strangers that I used to know,
To the strangers that now are; everything I am made of






I only have two words;

*Thank you.