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ln Nov 2015
Do you know what it's like to look at everyday things

Only to think of ways that those things could help you **** yourself?
ln Sep 2014
I've wanted so many things in life,

None of them as badly as I want you.
ln Jul 2014
I am human
I am selfish
and sometimes selfless
I am broken
and sometimes whole
I am unintellectual
and sometimes full of knowledge
I am capable
and sometimes insecure

I am destructive
and sometimes constructive
I am emotionless
and sometimes too emotional
I am happy
and sometimes far too upset
I make sense
and sometimes I'm just contradictory

But there's one thing I had in mind
throughout the construction of this poem.

*I am who I am,
And nothing you say or do,
Will make me feel otherwise.
ln Oct 2015
; placing the weight of the entire world on my shoulders
; trying to fulfil everyone's expectations towards me
; breaking down when the pressure tears me into pieces
; not focusing when I'm supposed to be most focused
; trying to explain myself to people who look at me like I'm a joke
; ruining my dreams with negative thoughts of myself
; expecting so much from myself to the very extent of me wrecking myself if I don't achieve what I want
; placing myself in the midst of chaos and not knowing how to scream " I need help "
; letting myself drown over and over again, after trying so hard to lift my head above the water
; never being good enough for myself
; trying to make anyone understand the noises in my head
ln Sep 2014
numbness to pain does not make it
non existent
floating imaginations do not make them
(h)arsh reality does not make it
big dreams do not me(a)n they're
high **(p)es do not mean you're
sadness does not mean
happi(n)ess doesn't have to mean you're
wanting more do(e)sn't make you
and all these words that (s)ociety uses against you
to make you feel





di(s)card them.

all you need,
to be happy
is positivity

*this is my promise to you.
the letters in the bracket, it's a state of mind
ln Jun 2014
Why are we so broken
Why do we all claim to be depressed
Why are we ruining our future
Why are we so drunk on the thought of being in love

Why are we so upset
Why are we so sad
Why are we so dependent
Why are we so needy

Why do we spend our whole lives
Growing into people we promised to never be
Why do we spend our whole lives
Being upset over things and people
Who are not worth it

We've got an entire life ahead of us
Why are we wasting it like it's worth nothing
When was it okay for a 11:11 wish
To turn into a suicide note

When was it okay for birthday candles
To turn into death wishes
We're all to **** young to be this upset
We're all too **** young to wish upon death

It's life and it's bound to be difficult
That doesn't give you any right to end it
You get up
And be a man
And face it

You walk right into it,
**Not away from it.
ln Oct 2014
There are some days where

I am so grateful
for the people around me
for the love that never ceases to be showed
for the care that is always emraces my soul
for the joy that succumbs my bones
for the hope that dissolves within my veins
for the faith that envelopes my heart
for the courage that flows in my blood,
and fills my entire being

Then there are the days

I wish I didn't exist
for the stress that surrounds me
for the sadness that never ceases to shine
for the anger that embraces my soul, with so much pain
for the annoyance that succumbs my bones
for the dissapointment that dissolves in my veins
for the agony that envelops my heart
for the grief that flows in my blood,
and fills my entire being
ln Dec 2014
This is a note to everyone,
It's words I could never bring myself to say,
And my invisible shield being ripped away willingly.
It's emotions I was too afraid to show,
And now I bring them forth for each and every single one of you who feasted your fiery eyes upon every word that came out of the deepest valleys of my worn out soul.

To the ones I've loved & lost,
Every one of you thought me different things
Some of you were blessings,
Some of you were curses,
I'm sorry I couldn't keep you in my life,
But I hope you found people that could.

To the ones I've ignored & deleted,
I wish I never met any of you,
For the pain and despair you made me feel,
For the regretful decisions you made me make,
But I wish the best for all of you,
I hope you achieve your dreams and see the light, in the places where darkness was all I felt.

To the ones I love & adore,
I don't know what I'd be without any of you,
Thank you for being my rock,
For always guiding me and filling me with laughter,
For making sure I never go back to being who I was,
I hope to never misplace any of you while searching for some of my missing pieces to fill this puzzle I started making, 17 years ago.

To the ones I've forgotten & ignored,
I hope you know how tremendously sorry I am,
I didn't make the decision,
I ran out of options.
Think about where were you when all I needed was to feel wanted,
Think about the day you told me I was part of you,
Only to find out that you lied; the very next day,
I hope you find better people that will fall for your venomous words that still pierce through every vein in my aching body, as I struggle to find freedom; in what used to feel like home.

To everyone I have met,
To the words that shifted my perspectives,
To the waves that churned my thoughts,
To the strangers I failed to have gotten to know,
To the strangers that I used to know,
To the strangers that now are; everything I am made of

I only have two words;

*Thank you.
ln Dec 2015
Each time I try, I fall
Each time I heal, I hurt
Each time I understand, I forget
Each time I love, I hope

The ones who are hardest to love-need it the most,
The ones you think are unbreakable- can't sleep at night,
The ones you look up to- regret every single thing they've said or done
The ones you think are happy- went through hell to get there
The ones you think are confident- can't bear to look at their scars on a mirror
The ones you think are strong- it took them their whole life to lay a foundation

The ones who are hardest to love- love them anyway, it will be worth it
The ones you think are unbreakable- hold them when they break, don't sympathize, just hold them
The ones you look up to- listen to their stories, listen to what they've learnt and pick them up
The ones you think are happy- don't judge their reasons to be happy, it is only temporary
The ones you think are confident- look harder, analyze only the long sleeved shirts and sweaters they wear
The ones you think are strong- put in bricks and let them grow taller, don't question, just grow with them

Don't destruct, just love

If you have nothing to lose anyway, how hard can it be to just

ln Oct 2014
Did you grow up thinking a streak of black ink across your eyelids
would make you feel better about yourself
Did you grow up thinking fake lashes
would make someone fall in love with you a little more
Did you grow up thinking eye-enlarging contact lenses
would make someone look at you any differently
Did you grow up thinking a bottle of liquified foundation
would make you hide away all the things you hate about yourself
Did you grow up thinking a tube of cheap gloss
would make your self esteem increase by leaps and bounds
Did you grow up thinking that learning how to apply mascara
would make you the pretty woman you deserve to feel like
Did you grow up thinking a size zero on that dress
would make you feel like you have it all?

Or did you grow up asking yourself
*When will I start accepting me, for me?
ln Sep 2014
Yesterday a question got me thinking
I never got an answer, I'm hoping I will by the end of this poem

" How do you explain color to a blind man "
How do you explain how red and blue makes purple?
How do you explain how red and yellow makes orange?
How do you explain that the sky is of different shades of turquoise, blue, purple, red, depending on it's mood?
How do you explain the clarity of the clouds on a hot day?
How do you explain the greyness on the clouds, on a gloomy Sunday?
How do you explain the transparent color of the raindrops?
How do you explain the glossy finish on the sea water?
How do you explain the greenness of a forest?
Or the deep red blood that flows in your veins?
How do you do it, to a person who sees nothing, but black;
In a world so cruel?

" How do you explain sound to a deaf man"
How will I explain the beauty of a piano piece?
How will I explain the serenity of the da capo in a violin piece?
How will I explain the stress releasing qualities of drums being slammed?
How will I explain the tears of a newborn baby?
How will I explain the laughter of a newly married woman?
How will I explain the swish of the droplets colliding like bullets on the surface of a waterfall?
How will I explain the glass-like water cascading down the lake?
How will I explain all this, to a man;
Who lives in utter silence.

Maybe that is why I read,
*Do not mock a pain you have not endured.
I still never got the answer.
ln Sep 2014
That night changed my life
Forever, I presume
Because today, now
I can't even think of what it'll be like
If I were to wake up tomorrow
And deal with the absence of you

Within the short period of time of getting to know you,
The mini arguments
The constant " I'm sorry "
The usual " I don't know what I'd do without you "
The sarcastic and witty comments
The " I'm only mean to you because I love you" 's

I find myself feeling on top of the world

I don't know how you did it
Or why you make me feel all these things
All I know is that

You grew a universe inside of me


I don't ever want to lose you.
I said it, I don't ever want to lose you.
ln Jun 2014
But if you never try,
You will never know.
ln Jun 2014
I could chug a ciggarette
Or I could chew some gum instead

I could keep reaching for the blade
Or I could just reach for the color pencils instead

I could gulp down a Heineken
Or I could settle for green tea instead

I could roll some ****
Or I could just paint a scenery instead

They say we're all addicted to something
That takes the pain away

I say otherwise.

We're all addicted to something
Just because we long for temporary satisfaction
We're all addicted to something
Just because we think it heals
We're all addicted to something
Just because, we made a choice

You don't sit there and say
" It's the only escape I have "
Because no, it's not
You make a choice

And that choice you make,
*It defines who you are.
ln Aug 2015
it is dark tonight
occasionally the lights from the skyscrapers blink
i don't like it when they blink
it sends shock waves through my skin

it is dark tonight
occasionally the lights from the candles blink
i don't like it when they blink
it reminds me that i can no longer feel your skin

it is bright today
occasionally i look out the window to see birds chirp
i like it when they chirp
it reminds me that not everything is over

it is bright today occasionally i check my watch, ' drive faster ', i speak
i like it when the traffic lights turn green
it reminds me that we're one step closer to seeing you

it is dark today
occasionally the light from the dining flickers
i don't like it when it flickers
someone just fix it

it is dark today
occasionally the cars give way, like they knew how much i wanted to see you
someone, please let this be a dream

it is sunny today
i sit by the park and watch the kids playing
i like seeing them smile
it feels so genuine, like nothing was worrying them

it is sunny today
the phone rings and i know this is bad
i don't like the ringtone
please make it stop

it was cloudy that new years eve
i wanted to scream out loud
come back
come back

it still feels unreal
i still feel you around me
why do all the good people have to go

i see it every time i look at grandma's eyes
i see a little bit of you in her
i see the days you laughed hysterically
i see the days we had to repeat what we said, you were losing your hearing

i see the day we ran as fast as we could into the hospital
i see the day i had to leave when you asked me to stay one more night
i see the day i had you, but didn't realize it was going to be over soon

wherever you are
i hope you know that i love you,
and i love you so much to know that you're in a better place now,
just not enough to forgive you for leaving without saying goodbye

i miss you
ln Aug 2017
derived from the numbing shivers that start from the bottom of my spine, like electric waves
into the membrane of my skull, through the pores in my godforsaken skin
down to the infoldings of my brain, straight to the grey matter

a sensation felt by the heart, an emotion experienced by the body

a state of mind
ln Aug 2014
Isn't it funny how
You **** your suicidal thoughts by talking someone out of suicide
You **** your sadness by telling someone it's not worth being sad
You **** your happiness by sacrificing it for people who don't appreciate it

Isn't it funny how
It's so easy for you to say " tomorrow will be a better day "
But tomorrow never comes

Isn't it funny how
It's so easy for you to say " good things happen to those who wait "
But you never know how long the wait is

Good things don't happen to those who wait,
Good things happen to those who are bold enough
To venture through the spirals
To seek their way through the holes
And emerge stronger than ever

Good things happen to those who are willing to try

and try

and try

and try

After being shot down,
*A million and one times.
ln Sep 2015
they say empty vessels make the most noise
here i am, tearing my skin wide open
leaving myself right here in the hell we call earth
opening my heart just to be shot back down, again
here i lay, my body and mind empty
my heart blank, my limbs suffocating
my brain worn out and my fingers twitching
here i am, vulnerable and

but here i am, not being able to make a sound
i open my mouth to speak but the words just won't come out
i am trying, i am trying
but my soul has shut down
i am silent
i am an empty vessel, a blank canvas
but i am not making the most noise, im not making any noise
because i don't  remember how to
ln Jul 2014
This morning
I woke up and I told myself
It's a new day,
It's a new life.

This afternoon
I got home from school and I told myself
You're closer to your goals,
And closer to your deadlines.

This evening
I got up from a nap and I told myself
If you refuse to work for it,
How will you ever get there?

Before I go to bed I will remind myself

" You are capable of great things,
But those great things are fruits of your labor. "

If you refuse to work hard now,

no room
for regret
in the
Tomorrow, will be better than today.
ln Mar 2016
First things first, I don't know if we still talk. I probably grew too busy and you probably did too. I don't know if I've seen your face in the last couple of months, and I don't know if I will in the next couple of years. I don't know if your curly hair still slaps the hair of the person standing behind you when you turn to speak to someone, and I don't know if your eyes still light up when you talk to now, someone else about the guy who ended up breaking your heart. I don't know if you can decide whether turquoise or aqua blue makes your skin tone stand out best, but I don't know if I can help you decide anymore.

I guess what all I want to say is thank you, although it will never be enough. Although it doesn't mean our paths will ever cross, again. I don't think I would be the person I am today without the countless arguments we've had, the numerous heart to heart sessions, the spontaneous food trips and the laughter. Oh, the great, great laughter.

I wouldn't have learnt to run if you didn't stand next to me and held my hand when I learnt to crawl away from every single person who broke my heart. I wouldn't have learnt to smile if you didn't stand opposite me making funny faces when I thought I was done. I wouldn't have learnt how to never give up if you didn't stay up with me convincing me I was worth much more than I had made myself believe. I wouldn't have learnt how to deal with death if you didn't pick me up when I fell face flat and screamed for you to not touch me.

I wouldn't have grown if you didn't tell me I needed to stop seeing the world from only two eyes, that there was a bigger picture with greater sufferings. I don't know if the way you cared for me has caused you pain or happiness, but in both cases do know that every second you spent on me is something I believe has moulded be into being the person I am today. So thank you, for your time. For your patience, for your kindness, for your love, for your sacrifices, for your presence at some point in my life.

I wish for you, the best in everything that you are, and everything that you strive to be. I pray you are blessed with nothing but the best and I hope you know, I care.

**Thank you.
ln Dec 2016
First off, you probably already know I am a people hoarder. I keep everyone close to my heart, even the ones I know I shouldn't. But like poison, you crept into my blood stream and choked me. You watched me suffer and scream for help and watched, because that is what you are - a watcher.

I want you to know this wasn't an easy decision to make. Regardless of good or bad, you played a role in my life and kept the balance going. But I've decided to disrupt the balance - as silly as it sounds. I told myself I was going to give, and give until I have nothing left to give. But I've seen emptiness. And the dark scares me.

I've realized that it is pointless to **** myself for someone who doesn't see my worth. Call me petty, call me self-centred. I will not sacrifice for someone whose intention is to use me. There is, a fine line between being kind and naive. Unfortunately, it was you who made me realize the difference.

I'm sorry you mistakened my kindness for " hey please step all over my head because I'd never find out anyway. " I'm sorry you thought I hadn't heard of the story of broken glass. When glass breaks, you can fix it. It'll just never look the same. Glue, tape - hate, love. I tried it all. It never really does work, you know. The story isn't cooked up.

I'm sorry you took my company for granted because I don't know if my absence will affect you - but I should learn how to no longer care. Don't get me wrong, it's going to hurt. But sometimes you have to just pull through - because that is exactly what life is about.

Having you in my life has affected me terribly in some ways. You watched as I hit my lowest - as I fell into deep rubbles, as I walked out of it fighting, only to hit the ground again every single time. I'm sorry you had to see the worst of me, and didn't know what to do or say. I forgive you - you didn't deserve to see me that way, I apologize.

I still wish you the very best in everything that you do. You were once upon a time all I thought I needed, but it is time to let go. I loved you then, I love you still. I'll light up candles for you occasionally, and I am sorry it had to end this way.

Take care, stranger. I think I'll miss you forever.
ln Sep 2014
this one is
for the one's who stay up all night counting scars
instead of stars
for the one's who rely on the blades to keep breathing
for the one's who feel numb to the pain
for the one's who feel the need to end everything,
but can't find the courage to
for the one's who no longer know what it's like to smile
for the one's who are too afraid to get help
for the one's who are depressed, but constantly shut out
for the one's who are truly broken, but are labelled attention seekers
for the one's who no longer see a purpose in life
for the one's who view each day as a struggle
for the one's who built a caves inside their hearts
for the one's who feel tears choking their insides
for the one's who no longer are able to count the number of slashes on their wrists
for the one's who look in the mirror and see a monster reflecting back
for the one's who grew demons in their hearts instead of flowers
for the one's who refuse to be happy because it's going to be taken away
for the one's who lost someone who meant the world to them, and don't know what to do to get over it
for the one's who can't let go
for the one's who are stuck in the past
for the one's who are in love
for the one's who are happy
for the one's who are contented
for the one's who finally accept themselves

is for

If you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones.
ln Sep 2015
at 3 i am a girl
all I want is to grow up to be a princess
Hopefully with a Prince Charming and a castle

At 5 I got asked what my ambition was
Even then I wanted to be a princess
But not with a castle, I already knew it wasn't going to come true

At 7, I got asked what my ambition was
Then, I changed my mind
I wasn't going to be a princess, it was all in my head.

At 10, I decided I was going to become a doctor
I had watched my close kin bleed out to death in an operation theatre
And I wanted to be a doctor who saved every life that came knocking on my door

At 13, I was too caught in the middle of my friends problems
I spent my days healing broken hearts and listening to stories that I forgot that I had my own stories
Just no one to speak them out to

At 16, I wanted to be a psychiatrist
I was willing to take on the problems of the whole universe
And then I realized the weight was too much for me to bear

At 18, I want to be a person. I want to feel things
I don't want to store them in a box and throw the key away
I don't want to hold my tears back
I don't want to live for anyone around me
I want to live for myself
And there's nothing else I'd rather be because
No one does me better than me
ln Dec 2015
In 60 seconds-
I could miss a train that I was supposed to board to visit my grandfather, when the doctors said there was no hope left
I could slip a step on the staircase and fracture my arm, the very arm that refused to help a stranger due to fear
I could listen to my best friend pour her heart out and plot a plan to ****** the very guy who broke her heart
I could miss a step of a dance routine and mess everything that we've ever worked for, for the past 3 months
I could set foot into the grocery store and be looked at differently just because I was born with darker skin
I could be left brain dead due to the reckless young teenager who thought it was hilarious to drive without his license
I could stand on the top of a building hoping I find the courage to fall off it, only to be stopped by the very stranger whom I ignored two days ago
I could understand that the world is in fact a never ending cycle-we are related to people in ways that didn't have to be physical, or by blood
We are bound together by the one thing that is common between you, I, he, she & we

We are bound together by the presence of - the heart.
ln Jul 2017
I am the horror inside your head, I am the voice that keeps you awake at night. I am the reason you question your purpose and I am the reason your existence feels pointless. I am the tunnel that gushes thoughts of suicide into the membrane of your skull and I am the darkness that swallows your shadow and you. I am the melancholic music that accompanies your hums when your playlist is on pause, I am the dancer who holds your waist as you lay in bed screaming at 4 in the morning. I am your inability to look after yourself, I am the switch that flickers as you chop off all you hair, did you really think changing the way you look would change the way you feel? I am the sweat that trickles down your skin as you accidentally make eye contact with the girl down the road. I am the tremor in your fingers when your phone starts to ring. I am the air you can't seem to breathe in when you are surrounded by someone other than yourself, I am the lungs that treat oxygen like it is poison. I am the magnified noises in a sea of people, I am the stop button that speeds up movement around you, leaving you stranded with no time to blink. I am the reason your empty bed doesn't feel empty when you go to sleep alone. I am the denial you dwell in, I am the reluctance you feel in your chest. I am the fractured ray of hope and the fading glimmer of faith. I will rob you of everything that you have ever known and feed off your smile. I am the parasite that will leave you breathless. I am Depression. Meet my twin, Anxiety. Together, we're DnA.
ln Jul 2015
If you find yourself struggling to study for a test at 4 am, remember I'd want you to be asleep because your health matters to me more than anything, even when I lecture you for a day or ground you for a week whenever you fail your tests

If you find yourself consoling your best friend who just lost her boyfriend, remember that I'd be your best friend if you were in her position

If you find yourself hurting so badly that you can't seem to put it into words, I want you to know that it's okay

If you find yourself questioning the existence of happiness, I will be here to remind you everyday of what it means, and teach you how to feel it

If you find yourself experiencing your first heartbreak and the pain is so excruciating you don't feel like saving yourself, trust me you want to save yourself

If you find yourself sitting on the edge of your bed unable to fall asleep, drowning in your tears; don't feel strange, I've been through it all too

If you find someone who takes no for an answer, you don't need the person in your life; no isn't an answer, you're better than that

If you find yourself staring in front of a mirror trying to stop hating the way you look, remember that I love you for who you are, not the way you look

If you find that not convincing enough, remember that those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter; I mean it

If you find yourself trying to stop eating to fit into a size 0 dress, I was ten times your size at your age & I didn't give a **** what people though of me

If you're too tired to make decisions, don't make them; you'll find yourself drowning in regret two days later

If you think it's okay to give up, let me remind you that it isn't

If you ever feel alone, know that I'll always be here for you,

the way I did when you were born
the way I did when you said your first word
the way I did when you knew too many words, enough to push me away
the way I did when you took your first steps,
the way I did when you knew how to run that you attempted to run away from home when you were diagnosed with depression

*the way I'll always be, even when you think you don't need me.
ln Feb 2016
one minute she screamed for help
and the next she lay stone cold*

one minute she was hopeful
and the next she sounded barely sane

one minute she felt like she could grow wings
and the next she rested six feet under

she was chaos
her head a beautiful mess, her mind pieces of broken wine glasses
her lips whispering silent cries of i wish i didn't have to do this again
her tongue holding back twisted thoughts of revolvers & ropes

and still she wished she could fly

but all she really was,


death cloaked with a smile,
a smile so beautiful
*darling, you would've thought it was all in your head
she wasn't a beautiful mess, she was just a mess
ln Feb 2017
Depression - My Story

I suffered in silence. For months, I felt like I was making excuses for myself and being lazy. The once bright, smart, cheerful me disappeared a bit at a time. With each wave, I'd feel more exhausted than I already did before. I felt tired, hopeless and dead on the inside for as long as I can remember. I started losing interest in some of my favorite things and even basic things like eating and showering had drained the living daylight out of me.

And then I tried to reach out to my friends. My head was telling me that I needed help, I couldn't do it on my own anymore. My body was reluctant but there were only two obvious options - help, or death. I tried therapy once, I gave up. Soon, everything kept *******. My life was out of order. I couldn't get out of bed for days, I was self-harming. I saw myself get into substance abuse and was counting on alcohol to get me through my days.

My grades suffered too, I could no longer focus on anything at all. I couldn't sit through a 2 hour movie, I couldn't pay attention to a one hour lecture, I couldn't finish a novel for over 6 months and I still haven't ( I'm the kind of person who finishes at 400 page novel in 2 days, mind you ), I couldn't hold conversations without zoning out. My sleep schedule was altered terribly and all I thought about was death. I was numb, emotionally empty and gone. I had lost my willingness to live and through all of that, I kept pushing myself to achieve good grades just to prove that I could do it. That, being my biggest mistake.

Each time I felt like I had won the battle in my head, it would last a week at most. I would then find myself falling into the same black hole and crawling, choking, gasping for air and trying to find my way out of it. I felt like I was doomed into eternal damnation and that was it for me. My life was over.

And then, came hope.

I think I finally accepted how terrible things were  after my numerous suicide attempts, and soon I had no choice but to leave my Pre-University course and seek for help, and this time quitting was not an option. I will always remember the day my parents and I decided that I would pack my things and leave college immediately. Two of my closest friends sat on my bed, we held hands and exchanged prayers for my recovery. These are the very friends who opened their home for me every time I had an episode. The very friends who rush from class with food for me every time I am too tired to get out of bed. The same friends who cook dinner for me, wake me up each morning. Send me messages of encouragement, and most of all - constantly pray for me. The same friends who saved my life, time and over again. And through it all, chose to love me without ever complaining.

Order still isn't restored, I still have my ugly days. I still see my psychiatrist, I'm still on antidepressants. But now, I know that my life isn't over. As a matter of fact, my life has just begun; and I have a purpose. One of my greatest dreams is to inspire people and so, I want my story to make a difference to anyone who feels like they are alone. To anyone who feels like the answer to all your suffering and pain is suicide, to anyone who feels like depression has taken over their lives and to anyone, who feels like no one understands. To anyone who feels like it is over.

Depression isn't just the lack of love, it isn't just the loss of a loved one. Not just how you feel after a broken relationship or when you fail your exams. I had more love that I ever deserved, I had all the support in the world. I had amazing people around me who more than anything - wanted me to survive. I'm not there yet, but I know that some day, I will be.

My depression does not define me. My scars carry more stories than my heart ever will, and my smile, it carries stories of how recovery; like I once said, isn't a myth. It is possible.

Through it all, I owe my greatest thank you's to my family, friends, lecturers and psychologists for never once giving up on me, even when I did. To the people I barely even knew who reached out to me every time I was starting to sound suicidal on my social media accounts. For never complaining, for being my rock. I love each and every one of you so much.

A little note to you, reader.

Hey you,

First, I want to tell you that you have nothing to prove. You live for yourself and every single one of us has a different journey. I want you to know that things will get better. It sounds clichè, I know. Everyone says the same **** thing, I know that too. But I promise you, the sun will rise again and the storm will pass. Darkness will evaporate and light will surround you. The weight of the world will be lifted off your shoulders, and life will restart. You will live, you will get through this. I am with you. Now, and always.
ln Sep 2016
Depression and anxiety had completely taken over my life at the age of 19. At 19, I was completely done with life. I was ready to die. I was ready to leave all the friendships I had ever known and all the family I had ever learnt to love. I want to share my story with you, so you know that you do not have to do this alone.

My struggles started at the age of 15, when I had gone through somewhat a traumatic incident in high school. I went from being jovial, full of life, bright and brilliant to quiet, self-hating and isolated. At this point of time, I had heard of the term depression but didn't think it was what I was experiencing. I told myself that it was just PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder; and it would be gone in no time at all. The incident that had altered my personality never seemed to go away, but I drowned myself in books as I was about to sit for one of the two major exams I had to face in high school. I got through it with flying colors and my parents were extremely proud of me.

Time went on and things got better, I had forgotten about the ordeal; not completely - but definitely progressively. I was never again the old, happy me. My parents assumed it was me growing up - and so did I. Then, I lost my grandfather.

I spent the 3 month break I had before starting college staying with my grandmother. It was lovely, I spent my time lazing around and talking to her about her past and she enjoyed telling me stories of how she grew up. The loss of my grandfather still feels unreal. There are days I'd tell my cousins or my family that I can't believe it's been over a year that he's left us all. I think death leaves behind a void that time doesn't really heal - time doesn't heal all wounds, just the wounds you choose to nurse.

Then, I started college. Things were alright for the first couple of months and then, everything started going downhill. I was no longer interested in going for classes, and all I wanted to do was sleep, really. I wasn't eating -  I could go two days without a single sip of water and my sleep schedule was altered terribly. I spent my afternoons and evenings asleep and would be wide awake from 10 at night to 4 in the morning. The world that I had built was falling apart and I could not piece it back together. I was in so much of mental pain that I resorted to self-harming. I would sit in the shower and cry for hours sometimes, praying that my sadness would go away and everything would return to the way it was. I could no longer write poems, or read. I didn't want to go out and I wanted to do everything in my power to be dead.

Not long later, I started counting on alcohol and cigarettes to get me through my days. I would find comfort for nothing more than a night and then find myself back to square one - alone, hurting, upset, tired. I hadn't felt anything like that and thought that I was just being lazy, but my mind knew it was more than just that. My results deteriorated and I was forced to open up to the lecturer who was in charge of the Student Council. I joined the Student Council because I was terrible at making friends - I sat through two semesters in college and had held less than 10 conversations with my classmates. I remember having nightmares at night when my lecturer said that we had to pair up in groups of 4 for every lab session. I was terrified at the very idea of having to talk to 3 strangers for one whole hour - I didn't show up for any lab sessions that semester.

My lecturer suggested that I see the college psychologist. I met her once and she was pretty straightforward - what I was experiencing was depression and anxiety. She urged me to see a psychiatrist to undergo a psychiatric evaluation to understand fully the seriousness of my mental health. I was afraid and I could not do it. I didn't know how I was going to tell my parents that I was depressed - I wasn't able to get out of bed and I was crazy. I was crazy - or so I made myself believe. I was agitated - how could she tell me that? I was terribly devastated at the fact that once again - I had let my parents down.

I skipped therapy after that, only to find myself getting worse - day by day, week by week. I was terrified at the idea of depression and medication. At the age of 19, I had attempted suicide close to ten times. I would sit by the balcony of the apartment I was living in at weird hours of the morning and say my goodbyes in my head, and be too afraid to leap because my mum's face would flash in front of my eyes. I would take the blade and hold it to my wrists and say this is it, just a little deeper this time. The voices in my head grew louder and the rocks in my chest became heavier. I would think - maybe pesticide, maybe asphyxiation, maybe drowning. All these thoughts and yet, something was holding me back. Hope - perhaps?

There was literally no more order left in my life. I was in a terrible state when one of my friends had asked me to move in with her - fearing my safety. She made me breakfast, talked to me, made me take regular showers and planned dinner. I had the best friends in the world - to which I owe my life. They saved me; through God, through faith, through kindness, through understanding, through love, care and compassion. Then - it was rock bottom. I was on the edge of my life when I had no choice but to inform my parents.

They decided that I would return home. I will always remember that day. My best friends and I held hands on my bed - formed a prayer circle and prayed for my recovery. That very image still brings tears to my eyes. I came home and had no choice but to see a psychiatrist and this time, quitting wasn't an option. I was very quickly diagnosed and put on antidepressants. I go for psychotherapy once every two weeks. I wasn't able to leave my house for over a month but I have made some progress.  My shoulders feel lighter - I do not have to carry the weight of the world. I have given up smoking and drinking, recovery is my only goal.

At 19 years old, I was this close to death. At 19 years old, I survived the darkest days of my life. At 19 years old, I fought for my survival and made it out alive. I made it out alive. You may think a 19 year old has yet to see the world, and I may be too young to say anything at all. But always remember, you are never alone. Maybe you think your sadness will always be a part of you, maybe the voices will keep talking to you, maybe your nightmares will never stop. But you do not have to do this on your own.

Just today I returned from a vacation with my family - we really needed it. We went out to dinner and I saw probably the prettiest sunset in the world - it's on my Instagram account! Then, we decided to go shopping and I walked into a bookstore and flipped one of the self-help books and came across a quote that caught my attention - " it is better to light one candle, than to curse at the dark".

I'd like to think that that was life's way of telling me that better days are coming and that; was my new beginning.

That was my sunset, that was my new beginning.

**I am a fighter, and I am worthy of life.
ln May 2014
I think the worst kind of sadness
comes from within

The kind of sadness
that hits you with no explanation

The kind of sadness
after watching the one you love walk away

The kind of sadness
when you're choking with thoughts

The kind of sadness
that makes happiness seem unattainable

The kind of sadness
when you've scarred the one you love

The kind of sadness
that makes you feel
I miss you.
ln Aug 2014
do you still stay up all night
do you still wonder of all the things that we could have been
do you still wish there was room to fix what went wrong

do you stay up counting dandelions
do you still find it hard to fall asleep when the rain hits the roof
do you still think of all the things that went wrong

do you still think of all the things that could have gone right
do you still write

because everytime i do

*i think of you
ln Sep 2015

to her, is studying during the wee hours of the morning
to him, is the time you spend asking how his day went
to her, is the lovely pair of shoes you got for her that flatters her dress
to them, is the days you showed up despite being ill
to him, is the admission slip into an ivy league university
to her, is the work you left behind to attend your uncle's funeral
to them, is the messages you send out, asking how they're doing

to you,
is to get out of bed each morning, even when you don't want to
is to accept that it is, by God's will that you are where you are
is to understand that your body is a gift and you will cherish it
is to learn that you don't live to please everyone
is to stand up for yourself, even when you are too timid to speak
is to fight for what you want, and never backing down
is to pick yourself up every time you fall, and come back stronger
is to fix yourself, piece by piece
is to unravel your mind &  live with the memories, even if they **** you

effort to you, isn't effort to her
effort to him, isn't effort to you
effort to them, isn't effort to him

but that is okay, we know you're trying

*we know
ln Jun 2014
I'm going to try and make this poem rhyme,
While my backyard smells like fresh thyme.

I don't know what I feel,
But it makes me a little ill.

Why does the feeling of not knowing,
Make my emotions feel like overflowing.

It makes me feel like a river waiting to burst,
Ready to quench everyone's thirst.

Maybe if I tell myself I'll be okay,
I'll finally crack the formulae.

The ultimate formulae of happiness,
To overcome my snappiness.

Maybe one day I'll get there,
But till then, these words are all I have to share.
ln Jun 2014
I'm not funny
Nor am I pretty
I'm not skinny
Nor am I beautiful
I'm not perfect
Nor do I long to be

I don't have a nice smile
Nor a nice body
I don't have silky hair
Nor smooth skin
I don't have a thigh gap
Nor a flat stomach

But maybe
Just maybe
I don't really care that I don't

Just maybe
I've finally learnt to accept myself
For who I am
And who I am not

And if you're okay with that,
We could be friends
But if you're not,
You're more than welcome to walk away

ln Sep 2014
One day I was sitting by a tree,
By the park filled with laughter
Of a child, of a mum, of a dad, of a brother.

A leaf fell to the ground
And I thought " What a pretty leaf "
As I was thinking if I should pick it up,
An old lady who was about 70 years of age walked pass and said,
" What is this garbage doing here? Doesn't anyone clean the park? "
She then picked the leaf and and straight into the bin it went.

She walked away and I began thinking.
It was obvious then,
We're all humans and fortunately, gifted with a pair of eyes.
And unfortunately, we see things with our very own pair of eyes.
Thus, forming a contradiction of opinions.

You can't force upon your opinion upon someone else,
Nor should you only believe in your opinion.
Someone else may be right sometimes, at the same time,
You may be too.

Here comes point number two.
Because we see things differently,
What I think is beauty, may seem to you as unfascinating.
What I think is normal, may seem out of the box to you.
What I think isn't attractive, may be the world to you.

But that is okay,
Opinions were meant to be heard.
Thoughts were meant to be listened to.
Hopes were meant to be fulfiled,
And feelings were meant to be felt.

*Unless you've got nothing nice to say,
Then you keep your mouth shut.
ln Jan 2015
It is unfair how the girl who died of cancer is given more recognition than one who died of heartbreak it is unfair how the boy who died because he was bullied is given more recognition than the boy who died because everyone around him was too blind to realize how alone he was feeling it is unfair that the girl who choked on bleach was given a memorial all across the globe and the girl who choked on years that September night still remains a Jane Doe to most of us it is unfair that the woman who died protecting her son from her abusive husband is cared for more than the woman who died trying to make sure her baby gets out of her womb safe and sound it is unfair that the father who died being stabbed by his son who wasn't mentally stable is given more recognition than the father who died trying to make sure there was food on the table for his family it is unfair how the people who die with a sad story are made famous compared to the ones who died trying it is unfair how we select who's death goes viral and who's doesn't it is unfair to judge a dead person based on their status, materials, wealth and everything else that is temporary

But most of all?
It is unfair to serve justice to someone only after they are gone, forever
ln Aug 2014
fear is looking the mirror and watching
all your flaws scream at you
one at a time
every day
fear is never being good enough
to live up to expectations
day by day
minute by minute
fear is running away from reality
because the places in your head
provide a better serenity
every second
fear is knowing you're afraid
but not being able to do anything about it
fear is a vortex
fear ***** out your courage
self esteem
everything, it takes everything away.
fear is a call into the open void
fear is a parallel universe on it's own
fear is oblivion,
fear is the ultimate weapon of destruction
fear is disability
fear is drive,
fear is parasite,
fear is unforgiving
fear is merciless
fear, is what i felt
the day i knew everything i put my hope and faith into,
was a lie all along

forgive the disorientatedness of this poem, it reflected the condition of my *mind and heart.
ln Apr 2015
F for the fistfights I was asked to sit out of, because I was born with a different set of genitals
E for the equal rights I've been begging for, only to be let down time and over again
M for all the military applications that weren't even reviewed, because I seemed unfit for not having a pair of nuts
I for the inferno that you made me feel, fighting so hard to be a pilot that was obviously only ' a man's job '
N for the number of convictions the guy who ***** his girlfriend didn't have to face, because the way she dressed up showed that she "wanted"it
I for all the immoral stares that I couldn't counter back for the fear of your lawyers defending you saying it was a friendly one, for the fear of you blaming the shorts and crop top that I picked out for that lovely Sunday
S for all the standards that women themselves set for themselves, ***** standards; I'll do what I want and say what I want, I'll eat what and I want and dress the way that I feel like I need to, I'll wear bikinis that probably doesn't flatter my body and height but you know what? I don't give two flying f**ks
M for the mortals   that made it necessary for feminism to even exist
Hey, one kick to your nuts and you'd never see daylight again

sit down.
ln Sep 2014
Settle your head on the deep, green grass,
For I'm about to take you on a journey that will last.
Wipe away your tears,
And chase away your fears.

Stare into the sky,
Do you want to fly?
Do you want to fight;
With all your might?

Do you want to prove them wrong,
For making you look anything but strong?
Do you want to carve your success,
And show them your progress?

Do you want to win,
Even if emotions slam you down with a pin?
Do you want to live,
Even if nights make you want to walk off a cliff?

You need to win this battle.
Not against society,
Not against your neighbour.
Not against your best friend,
Not against your boyfriend.

You need to win this battle,
Against the demons in your head.
You need to win this battle,
For yourself.

For once in your life, put yourself above everyone else.
*It will make a difference.
I hope these words made a difference.
ln Jul 2014
You're sitting here on the internet,
Scrolling past timelines and getting into cyber wars.
But in some part of the world,
A child is losing her parents.
A nephew is losing his aunt.
A granddaughter is losing her grandmother
A boy is losing his cousin.
A woman is losing her husband.

A boy is being gunned down,
A girl is being forced to starve,
A boy is being forced to watch his parents die,
A girl is being forced into believing her grandmother is asleep.

Blood runs down like streams,
Peacefulness is completely being snatched,
They are treated like trash in their own country,
And everything is being taken away.

Don't you dare say you can't do anything about it,
Because everything makes a difference.

A word,
A phrase,
A thought,
*Just a sense of concern.
ln Oct 2017
generation d
generation depressed bold, underlined, size 12, arial
generation death is no longer a want it's a need, look at the eyebags this education chose to breed
generation dizzy this tequila doesn't burn as much as your name on the tip of my tongue does
generation dish your depression jokes on a platter, serve it warm, cold, frozen - whatever makes you laugh goes, right?
generation dobby is not a ******* free elf

generation dopamine, because honestly, where the **** is mine
ln Apr 2015
Don't tell me to get of my phone and play hopscotch in the wilting paddy fields across the house
the same paddy field that decorated the chest of every newspaper last Thursday, written across the title  in bold; 6 year old girl strangled to death

don't tell me to get off my couch and try make some friends
the same friends that got my neighbour's daughter gangraped at her sixteenth birthday party

don't tell me to only fall in love with a person of the opposite gender,
not after hearing the screams of the lady across these cracked walls, whom as usual would make excuses to cover up the reasons behind the galaxy toned punch scars across her no longer smooth skin, a result of being beaten up by her drunk husband each night

don't tell me writing isn't going to get me anywhere, that only science will, not after you've seen me bleed across these pages trying to make you understand my passion and love for writing & trust me when I say these numbers & stupid scientific terms will never be able to diffuse into my numb skull the way these lovely letters  have

don't tell me that the numbers written on one piece of paper that is graded by a person who probably had a million and one reasons to make me fail, defines  my intelligence, not after looking at that girl from high school who failed  her maths & ended up becoming a world renowned poet

don't tell me that it's right to hate a person because they were born a shade darker than I am, not after the person who saved my life that summer night I was sprawled across the bathroom floor, overdosed on drugs, was 'fifteen shades darker' than me

don't tell me that I don't have a right to stand up to you because I'm younger than you, not after a 50 year old man ***** his 12 year old student; in no way does your age define your maturity

and dear generation X & Y,

don't tell me what is wrong and right, for I am old enough to face the consequences of my actions, for there is no way I will learn without making mistakes,

and dear generation  X & Y,

we'll show you how life should be lived.

Thank you, sit down.
A note to you, from gen Z
ln Aug 2014
Yin and Yang
Active and Passive
Positive and Negative
Good and bad
Happy and sad
Agree and disagree
Yes and no
Satisfaction and dissatisfaction
Success and failure

As far as I see it,
There are three options.
Black, and white, and grey.

You draw the line between what seems like direct opposites,
You decide what you want to be,
You decide what you want to feel.
And when you can't,
You lie within the grey space,
But it's okay.

Even in the grey space,
*You matter.
ln Sep 2014
It's silly how I found you so weird
How I laughed silently at how lame your jokes were
How I cried silently at how I had to explain how nothing was your fault

It's silly how I regret, yet constrain myself
Because as much as I think of you,
I hate you for the things you said.

It's silly how you have no idea, sillier that you probably never will
But I never want to see your face again,
Although you made me smile.

You made me feel things when I didn't know how to,
And it makes me happy sometimes.
The other times, I hate you for using me.

And sometimes, I hate you for messing around,
I also hate you for killing my self-esteem.
You could call it self-torture,
But I rather stay away,
Than to allow you to grow flowers in my heart,
After pouring acid all over the garden,
On a scale of 1-10.
ln Sep 2016
my body and thoughts are split into half right in the middle
there is a parallel cut right through my heart, splitting me into two

there is a part of me that wants to survive to see tomorrow,
and then a part of me that is so tired and just needs it to end; now

there is a part of me that wants to prove that recovery is possible,
and then a part of me that says maybe you won't be the one to prove it

there is a part of me that wants to write, and keep writing
and then a part of me that just wants to sleep and never wake up

there is a part of me that wants to get married, have kids and be happy
and then a part of me that says i would slit my wrists and my kids would be traumatized for life

there is a part of me that tries to convince me that tomorrow will be better

but how many times do you have to tell yourself that tomorrow will be better - before tomorrow is actually better?

i am two halves that contemplate between life and death,
and i am not sure i will ever be whole and choose only life;

make this stop.
ln Aug 2014
Maybe it's the way the national flag flies so high
Despite the country's imperfections
Maybe it's the way we're united
Not separated, despite the difference in cultures,
Believes, traditions, languages

Maybe it's the way you see an Indian eating with chopsticks,
The way you see a Malay in a saree,
The way you see a Chinese making ketupat's for Hari Raya.

Maybe it's the unity you see,
Maybe it's the goosebumps you feel when you say Merdeka,
Maybe despite the hate you have towards history,
Deep down, you know how grateful you are to be Malaysian.

Maybe it's the way you walk into a mamak,
And say
" tauke tapau roti canai 1 milo ais 99 "
And maybe,
It lies in diversity,
Beyond everything else.

*Malaysia, tanah tumpahnya darahku.
ln May 2014
Here's a list of reasons;
1. Your mother carried you in her womb for 9 whole months
2. She went through hell giving birth to you
3. Your dad spent his entire life savings buying your diapers and clothes
4. Your little sister looks up to you
5. Your cousin wants to be able to smile as bright as you do
6. Your niece wants to be a good poet, just like you are
7. Your grandmother wants to watch her granddaughter at her graduation
8. Your boyfriend wants to spend the rest of his life with you
9. Your favorite music bands need your support
10. Your favorite tv shows need you to stay up late waiting for the next episode to be released
11. Your favorite books needs a reader who would read it over and over again
12. Your pen and paper need an artist who is inspired by everything around him/her
13. You make a difference
14. You matter
15. Because you were brought into the world for a reason, and for that ******* reason, you shall be alive.
ln Feb 2016
I am not feeling well does not just mean the temperature you see on that thermometer,
it also means my body and it's burning desire to no longer be alive
I am not feeling well does not just mean my head feels heavy and I want to sleep,
it also means my heart is sinking to my feet and i physically feel it in my veins
I am not feeling well does not just mean I need a painkiller to take away the pain,
it also means i am dying to reach for the blade and tear my skin apart to feel something
I am not feeling well does not just mean the food I ate is making me feel like throwing up,
it also means my entire existence makes me sick to the point of death
I am not feeling well does not just mean I will feel better after I take this nap,
it also means i will take nap after nap after nap after nap hoping to feel alive again
I am not feeling well does not just mean my joints hurt and I need to slow down
it also means my body is tired of fighting a losing battle and i give up

because some days,
i wear my depression and
some days,
*my depression wears me
ln Aug 2014
I haven't been able to write,
Because I haven't been feeling right.

I tried to think of something positive,
With the hopes that things will turn out ok
But the moon kept sinking,
And the sun kept rising.

Into the horizon I stared,
Hoping for a spark to appear,
A flame to ignite,
A path to be written

I don't know what I want
I don't know what I need
I don't know who I want
I don't know who I need

I don't know
But it's okay
I don't want to know
I don't need to know

I want to make the most
Out of this very moment.

Now, I feel

ln Oct 2014
why do bad things happen to good people ?
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