I regret every second I am asleep because nothing hurts more then waking up to find out it was all a lie.
You are not mine.
You don't love me.
It's not three in the morning, you're not asleep beside me with one hand on my chest sending chills of fire straight through every bone, every vein, every single cell of this wretched body.
I am not sober, hearing your voice tell me that you could gaze into my eyes forever, thinking about how badly I want your soal to coexist with mine for the rest of time.
Your breath may not be mine but my thoughts are all yours.
Your touch may not be mine but my memories are all yours.
My infatuation is all yours.
My love is all yours.
My insomnia is all yours.

I've seen alot of sunsets
Since the last one I saw with you

I've thought alot of crazy thoughts
Without you to get me through

I've quit making so many inside jokes
Because nobody else was laughing

Today I woke up all alone
For the first time
I was okay with that

all around me I find friends
in the city, in work, in bed
still I feel I do pretend
no one knows what's inside my head

all around me I find fun
in the city, the house, the club
still I feel so undercut
something's missing I don't know what

all around me I find love
in the city, in drugs, from my mum
still I feel so all alone
misunderstood by everyone

I have everything I need
I should be okay I think
I'm missing that final piece
the person that completed me

Drugs don't numb what cant be touched but you can't cut it out eather.
Beauty occurs when you forget you exist.
I choose the life of insanity.

I could always see her soul through her eyes. Those brown rings telling tales of passion. Love had never been so simple. Two kids, frozen in time.

It was our last memory together.
I never knew the beach got cold,
Or that in the shower you glow gold.
You told me you'd be waiting for me.
I wish you meant what I was thinking.
"I'm in love with you."
"I guess this is goodbye."
And just like that, she was gone.

It's hard to understand how i'm feeling. It's as if i'm the first person to ever be paralyzed from the neck down. Around me are people who keep telling me "just get up" or "go take out the trash" then getting angry when they can't understand why. All my friends think i must just hate them, because i never go out and do anything with them. Not because i don't want to, but because i can't.

It's as if i'm drowning in a sea, surrounded by mermaids, who don't understand why i can't "just breathe." These mermaids refuse to let me go back on shore to the other people like me, the people who understand, saying i'll ruin my life if i go back on land.

It's as if depression is viewed not as a condition but as an excuse.

The city sleep but
im still awake
runnin through my mind
not a canidate
you're the president
i don't want you there
But you resinate
Remember when
You were cryin on my bed
cause i caused you pain
The fact that you still loved me
Is so insane
But
one too many times you
felt this way
even after all this time i'm
still ashamed
wish i could explain
~
Yeah
you were layin on my chest
it was pourin rain
you told me that you loved me
got me shivering
Years flew by still
i felt your butterflies
so down on one knee
swear to god i almost cried
~
Swear to god i almost died
~(64)
Swear you're still my pride
swear you're still my bride
swear i always loved you
Bed's colder on your side
swear if i could change the past
get back to better times
i would leave before it started
cause our future is a crime

our future is a crime
our future is a crime
the way that you once loved me
still playing in my mind
this mental penitentary
stuck me in a bind
Struggle every day just to
keep myself in line
Or keep myself in check
checkin out a bottle boutta
stuff it down my neck
checkin out a model
just like all of my regrets
can't see what's right in front of me
looking at what's next
Greener on the other side
learn to be content
livin in regret
livin aint the best
Dont be mistaken
i aint suicidal yet
just miss my baby girl
Still better than the rest



Live in the day boy
don't live for tomarrow
Love what you have
don't forget it's all borrowed
The past is the past
and the future's tomarrow
All you have is today
won't you put down your sorrow

The sun sets.
The moon rises.
The moon sets.
The sun rises.

now backwards.

The sun rises.
The moon sets.
The moon rises.
The sun sets.

The story is the same.
The names are differant.
Like a palindrone.
Like us.

I was broken when i met you.
Fresh out of the hospital.
Attempted my own burial.
But then magic happend.

Stitches formed in the place of cuts.
Hugs formed in the place of tears.
Love formed in the place of pain.
Happiness formed in the place of suicide.

Then you gave up.
Saw how much fixing i really needed.
Saw how ****** up i was.
You became like everyone else.

You left.
You ******* left.
"forever and always, to infinity and beyond. I will always love you."
You ******* lier.

Blood baths took place of talking to you.
Cuts abolished the strength delivered in those stitches.
The sacred seconds we held each other caroded  and rotted my mind.
Hugs became a passion i re-enacted with a teddy bear you gave back.
Thoughts once replaced by the thought of you returned, prepared for revenge.
Pain eluded its way into every memory of loving you.
Smiles turned into hours spent under the bridge by the school, waiting for that ******* train.
Suicide filled every night as i worked to live the dream.

You said you loved me.
You promised me i would be okay.
You let me believe you cared.
You ******* lier.

The eternal drought brought upon by wasted tears has left me in a state of rememberance. No matter how high i get, your dripping love still has my mind captured. The wonders of your touch still keep my heart in trance. Your name no longer leaves my mouth in longing but in defeat. The night has grown to last all day.

I am a person hiding in another. I scream but no one hears. I may only whisper,
when they let me. When i get them to drink enough or they want me to take the pain of the blade. Thats how i met her. She gave me the strength to stay.

Then she left.
And took my strength.

They punished me for holding them back. Imitated me and won her over. Then let Him out. He just wanted to impress her with His necklace. I screamd but she couldn't here. The belt only got tighter around His neck when she tried to take it off. He didn't know what was wrong. He wanted her to smile. He grabbed her. "Whats wrong?" She wriggled. "Whats wrong?" He squeezed. "Whats wrong?!" She broke free. "WHATS WRONG?!"

He only wanted to help.

I screamed blood from my knife when she never came back.
I don't blame her.
I will never forget that night.
She will never forgive that night.
I don't blame her.
The marks are still there.
Hers and mine.
I don't blame her.
The look of pure fear..
The look of my heart.

I don't blame her.

It seems as if the lips around here are useless. After all, whats the point of talking when no one cares to listen? If words were thought about as much as thoughts leave the lips, maybe then i would open up. It's evident that no one cares, they simply want a "you are right."

I have always been alive.
Before i was born, i was inside my parents.
A possibility, destined to become creation.
Before my parents, it was their parents.

I will always be alive.
When i die, i will decompose.
The rock cycle will rejuvinate the earth i occupy.
I will become one with the ever loving earth.

Matter is neither created nor destroyd.
Life is never taken nor given.
Why stay hurt, beat down, broken, when i can become something much bigger?

There's glue in my pen
This paper's getting sticky
Beautiful in memory
But these words,
They aren't so pretty

There's glaciers in my veins
It's lonely in this igloo
Stranded on my desolate iceburge
She sailed away,
On my ship built for two

She was a cloud in the sky.
Drifting, changing,
Becoming and going where ever she wanted.
He was a field of flowers.
Bright, happy,
Giving warmth and happyness to whoever crossed his path.

One day, the cloud and the medows met.
They gazed upon each other;
Traded secrets, traded beauty.
Then she left.
Drifted with the wind.
Found an other feild.
He stay'd.
Waited for her.
Missed her shade.
Was prepaird to even take her storm just to see the rainbow she would make for him.

And she drifted.
And he waited.

And as she spoke
His heart ticked away
Shooting fire through his veins
As if the embers she once ignited in him
Had never gone cold
As if everything in his life
Was leading up to this moment
Her soft spoken words
Echoed for years to come
Those three words he'd heard before
This time he knew it was the last
In a single breath
She built and destroyed his world
Then disappeared into his memories

please don't you go
please please don't you go
fall in love with me
fall in love with me

don't you do it
don't you ever go an do it
im okay today
don't you go an ***** it
I can't stay away
and girl I know you knew it
you abusin how I'm
head over heals for you
head over heals for you
head over heals
every time you leave you know I real
pick the pieces up
one by one
put the puzzle back together
then when I think I'm doin better
you walk back In to the picture
you know I wish I could forget you
I wish I wish I wish
where my shootin star
clouds out tonight
and I cant run that far
ain't no gas up in my car so
come a little closer
let me hold you
let me fall apart
you my casanova
you a feelin poker
you a wall of art
I'm a dog without a collar
I'm a fallen soldier
I'm a hallow heart
I can't I can't I can't
I can't let you go
I can't take it anymore
please don't please don't
please don't you go

And as clouds formed, all I wanted was you.
And as rain poured, you walked away.
Down my cheeks, clouds where emptied.
Down my chest, a heart was broken.

The sky has never been so blue.

Deep inside of me is a voice. Normally i can drown out it's constant talking. Lately the voice has been getting louder and louder. I feel as if soon that voice will spring free. My soul will scream to the sky and let loose the deamons bellowing below. Desire will consume me; my old friend has forced his hand.

With eternal sentiment i sent you a note. "Dear lover, you have my soul." Yet as i sit waiting for response, i relize i wrote the wrong girl.

I feel within me an indescribable warmth.
It is the first kiss; the first love.
The first hello and the last goodbye.
The butterflies that flutterd for days.
The indescribable longing for more.

I feel within me her.
She was my first girl; my first hug.
The emodiement of perfection.
The butterflies that flutterd for days.
The one that stole my heart.

Time is but a myth
A thought begins to drift
The past I do miss
Though it won't exist again
It still gets under my skin
Reminding me of
The taste of your lips

Pluck the strings on my dandelion guitar
Like fingers don't get sore
And petals don't run out
Sing solemn songs of my lightning in a bottle
I pretend forever never ends
Somehow you found the finish
I will race until I die
Never escaping my runner's high

Love is not a game
And i'm certainly not winning
I chase your piece around our board
In this game you're not even playing

She touched my lips
With her nostalgic kiss
Then blamed the alcohol
When morning hit

Don't tease me
Don't play me
I'm dying inside

Don't please me
Don't save me
There's not enough time

Whenever you come around
My life turns upside down
I'm tired of loving you
Please let me down

When i was a kid
I thought i was the ****
Alchoholic wanna be
More ****** up
Than you or me
Who am i?
Is this a dream?
Blissful wishful
Wanna bee
9th grade
Started ****
Depression made me
Lead to lean
Clean cut
Double cup
Every night
I'd get ****** up
Who i was
Is who i am
But less drugs
Am i a man?
Just hidin it
I'm still a kid
Crack my top
Pop my lid
Underneath
You'll see what's hid
All the things that
I done did
Never wanna see again
Those memories
I need stitches
This bleedin wont
Start stopping
Now the dripping's
Got me dropping
Got me pleeding
Barely breathing
Touched my head
Felt the pain
So ****** up
My fall to fame

I drink away the pain because I can no longer cut it out but give me a chance and I will carve your name.
I think about the day because I no longer remember the nights but give me a chance and I will forget the days too.
I smile when I remember our memories because they have always been my favorites but give me the chance and I will forget them all.

Let me stop drinking.

Centerd around golden seeds
Velvetine pedals from my ivory stem
Beautiful on the outside but
Lifeless deep within

I can't believe i'm actually thinkin bout leaving you. There's not alot i'm afraid of but that's some **** i'm unprepaired to do. I never thought i could see and end where i'm not right next to you but i've cheated yet again and so i think i've ended up ending up without and end with you. I'm a fool. I never should have fell for you. I hurt the ones i love so never will i lay sight to you. I'm sorry for all the things i've done i never ment them hurt to do . You're still my little baby girl even if you hate me please don't hurt yourself. All that i want is to see that smile on your face but there's things that i can't give you so it's best if i put some space. Ain't no way i'll say this to your face. It'd **** me if i was in your place so imagine how it feels to be the one that was suppossed to be your protector b! You were my ****** family! You built the walls of this house all around of me! I never ment to hurt you but thats all that i can seem to do so later i'll take a shot or two and let the pistol wring a few until my skull's split into two and maybe then i'll forgive myself for who i became. My ******* fall to fame.

Nothing makes me love like in the old days
Nothing but my old ways
You got me changing all my actions
Now you wonder where my passion
You wonder why i'm slackin
I don't love you like my past man
Cause my past man got put on blast, then
My emotions whent to trash
Now i'm living in the aftermath
Void of all except for clash
My heart's been torn apart and slashed
My brains been turned to **** and bashed
My personality turned into ash

My love whent with my soal when you put it over gas

Sleep.
First a wink,
Then a peep.
Neverland with general admission.
Slipping by in a second,
While taking it's time.
Proof time is long,
But short in memory.
Proof that they grow up so quick.
Evidence that death,
Is always right around the corner.
I can't get to sleep;
Sleep is getting to me.

As I lay I stare
Surrounded by the flowers
Blowing gently in
The tall grass
That waves back and forth
Brushing up against me
Like your skin once did

The slight cool breeze
The sun's perfect heat
A comfort on my eyes
From the clouds in the sky
My silent symphony
The closest synonym

Don't let your dreams get to far - remember you can't get the gold if you don't know just where you are. Id trade a leg and arm just to get the golden touch, of her heart. I lost a peice of me when she left - she made me bleed and now i feel i need a surgery or a drug or some kind of thing to make me feel like i am next to she - the one that got away. Never will i forget your face. You put me in my place and now i'm stuck forgot how to give a **** about myself. They come first. The ones around. It hurts me way deep down when i see a face i love put on a frown. It's more than just a brown it's a burn. I almost like the way it hurts. Conditioned by repition put me in this disposition so i write this written. I put the decision of who i am in another person's hands. I've lost my promised land. Lost my human rights. I've given up the fight for my life. Can't sleep at night. Round and through - pull it tight - get it done right - the tricky bit is when you get up into it and you start question if the noose is worth the conditions - can't stop now - won't start slippin - stick to the plan - you cant comply to lifes demands - if you dangle there's no repremands - step on down and be a failure yet again - no i can't - i won't do it - head whent through it - **** i blew it - the rope i knew it - broke in two, it - snapped at the base - landed on my face - hit the ground - still choking out - grab my kneck n' pull it out - **** what now - lets over dose like an auschewitz kid just got some chow - take enough to **** a cow - woke up in the icu - full of tubes - right here next to you - the dissapointment shows right through - don't deny it don't even try to hide it you know i know when you're lyin.

Now hush baby brother, dont you cry
Everything's gonna be alright
Gotta toughen up my little buba, i told ya
I'll always be with ya in your mind
You'll hear alot of things but hold onto my good side
Dont forget you were my pride
It may feel a little painful, when the rain falls
But i promise the sun will always shine

It's using the post / instead of sending an email / or loving to sleep / instead of loving a female

Don't mistake it for lazy / I want to be active / it's harder in life than / it seems to be in practice

It takes your energy / and it uses it as shots / to shoot your motivation / believe me it's hard

It's waking up early / to go back to sleep / so you can work up the nerve / to get up onto your feet

Imagine you slept for / an hour every day of / the week all you'd want / to be doing is sleep

You'd be emotionally / unstable and very / unsociable / with stress feeling uncontrolable

You're number one struggle/ would be the simplest of tasks/ what you do in a day / would be cut right in half

You want to be able  / to do that witch you should / at work or at school / or where ever you stood

But all you could think about / would be ending the pain / wishing someone understood / what flowed through your veins

You can't control your lack of love / or low energy / all you want is nothing to do / for all of today

When just waking up is giving / your very best n' / nobody understands / that's clinical depression

Like a baby walking,
Or a child biking,
I fell in love with you.
You always remember your first.

At 2 a.m. on a warm summers night, the thought of you still lingers in my head. The smell of that musky roof top brings back more than just memories. It's been years since the last time we've spoke yet i can't help but feel as if i still love you. You were my first. Somewhere, sometime, you'll see these skies and think of me. I'll be sitting here, thinking of you. Reminiscing under lonely stars.

Like the sun in the window
That i've gotten so used to
I expected you to be there
Every morning when i woke

Like the moon between the palms
Of a squinting kid
I just want to hold you
If only for tonight

Like the dog without a collar
Wandering in the alley
I have the whole world
Yet i all i want is to find you

Like the simile on the paper
Containing all my insides
You knew me like no one else
I miss my other half

I was walking down a broken sidewalk
Heading no where in particular
Always alone, never lonely
When suddenly I stumbled upon a rose
A singular rose
Grown between the cracks
In my broken sidewalk
I stopped to gaze
Afraid of her beauty
She smelled of poison
I plucked her stem
Together we walked
For about a block
Before suddenly,
She wilted.

I see her on the other side of the street.
Growing strong, bold, beautiful.
She's in a meadow, with her kind.
This side walk has never been so lonely.

We were a dandilion
Together we grew
Seperated by the wind
To begin our new lives

Clumps together
They fell in patches
Yet i sit alone
No where to call home

You were the light of my life
If only sunburns where amnesia
I'm gulping down these memories
Like i'm not in a desert
Like you're still here.

There was a certain magic in the warmth of the air that night. In the glow of her skin, her endless gaze, her cool touch. The smell of summer and cigarettes. The feel of her cool fingers laced in mine, with her head on my shoulder. That flannel I never did get back. The taste of her lips and her neck. Those goosebumps that never whent away nor lasted long enough. There was a certain magic in the warmth that night I found out what love was.

I grew up in a blue house.
I never knew it, but I loved it.
When I was younger I had a dog named bob.
I knew I loved him.
I was walking bob when hailie left.
She never knew I loved her.

Little by little the pieces of this puzzle fell apart.
And they wonder why I relapse.
They wonder why I can't "just don't do it."
They wonder why I dream all day.

They wonder why sobriety is the my handicap.

Blood tattoo of a pain unknown
why do you exist?
To us a story to be told
to them just scars on wrists

On the brink of lies holds a whipped hearts confession -
Here in my arms is the girl of obsession

Yet pain is void from her beautiful lips possesion -
Love has returned to beat my depression

It's been a while.
All the flowers in our garden are dead.
Our children have moved out.
We barely talk.

It's been a while.
The sky is still damp.
I have to many hoodies.
My fingers are cold.

It's been a while.
I'm still the same.
I saw you the other day.
Everything has changed.

It's been a while.
Not long enough.
I fell in an instant.
It's hard getting up.

I started smoking to quit my addiction
It's started to feel like my life is fiction
Where do i go to pay my commision?
I'm ready to go i've hit my limit
"What about everything you'll be missin'?"
Everything is born with a single mission
Survival of the fittest and reproduction
No deeper meaning it's how we're written
Earth doesn't need me in this rendition
Over populated and under provisioned
We need to loose a couple in this position
To most death seems so very distan'
Fearing death is like fearing ******'
Eventually you have to go so listen
Enjoy every moment you're given
Life has no meaning so enjoy your visit
Someday we'll all come to a finish
Extinction is enivitable so just go fishin'

I am a man of logic. I always have been. Equations and formulas and problem solving have always been my greatest strengths. I love myself for this.

I should hate you. Yet no matter how hard my brain begs, i will always adore you.

You are the bane of my existance. I hate the way i love you.