I am a man of logic. I always have been. Equations and formulas and problem solving have always been my greatest strengths. I love myself for this.

I should hate you. Yet no matter how hard my brain begs, i will always adore you.

You are the bane of my existance. I hate the way i love you.

The snow was heavy. It wasn't a storm, it didn't come down hard, but over the week the ground became plasterd in that thick blanket he knew oh so well. He lifted some in his palm and tasted it. It was inviting, sweet, yet punishing. He knew the sickness the world would bring but he couldn't resist himself. A snow man threw him a snow ball, and asked if he wanted to go sledding. He bit the bait then slid the ***** and a snow angel he became.

Blue sky's and rainy grey's
New lie's and changing ways
Bright shines and dark shadows
Thin lines and hard half-hopes
The sun protects my lonely soul
In the night I lose control
A new sun a new breath
Today it seemed to rain instead

I see you kiss
Upon her lips
Still i sip
Upon my myth
Still i live
Off broken hyms
I live off bliss
And ignorance

Repremands for experiencing out weigh living in fear of punishment.

There's no more water
The wells all dried
I'm still ******* thirsty
But there's no tears left to cry

Memeories haunting
I'm already dead
Half of a year yet
You're still in my head
I just want you gone
But my heart's full of lead
You have moved on
Found a replacement
Four ******* years
You moved on in a tenth
I'm lost without you
I need my Cas

I am a fire.
A mighty fire.
I burn on passion.
You bring me hell.
Hell,
a fire pit of eternal pain.
You bring me a passion that hurts more than any other ****** up lie i have been lead to believe.

Love.
Joy.
Happieness.
Wanting.
Care.
A willingness to sacrifice everything to see you smile.
- The definition of passion.
You give it to me in over doses.

I love you.
So ******* much.
I hate this passion.
Because i am nobody to you.
Just another guy.
Another relationship.
Another "love of my life."
Another ******* lie.

Just a guy from the past.
Living in lost time.
Reminicing to a place Where he felt cared for.
Where he felt that passion.

Passion.
A beast to conquer all.
Brought down by the smallest of things.
Brought down by lies.

My fire is brighter then ever with you.
I love it.
Your touch burns down clouds.
Your absence brings the fire men.

Maybe I was wrong.
Maybe I don't love you.
Just the love you gave me.
Just your passion.

Viniger in my mouth leaves the taste of your name

Demons attacking,
can't quite un pack it -
This package, i'm strapped in
Focus on the racket just ta
make it though with my baggage
i been slackin, stackin massive
but she don't want that action
sadly no one wants your sappy
so if you aint makin happy
if she aint stayin laughing
she'll find another baddy
and move on rather gladly
and i know it hurts deep down
she was the one to turn your life around
tears, keep em hid, clown
don't lose your happy
what's lost aint always found

As the grass grew
I cut it
I didn't think about it
I just shaved it
Again
Again
Again

Have you ever been outside?
It's slow.
Have you ever seen the grass?
It's slow.
I watched the grass for an hour today.
I didn't see any change.
Yet somehow the grass kept growing
Just to get cut down on saterday
Because when grass stops growing,
It dies.

Every week when i cut the grass
I looked in the mirror
I shaved my beard
I didn't see any change
Weeks whent by
I didn't grow
Am i alive?

You never supported me when i would show my true colours. All you wanted was for me to fly your flag. Play by your rules. I can’t tell between friend and foe any more. This civil war has been dragged on for far too long.

I want to find a day
where memories don't fade away
where this moment lasts forever
and the sun rise becomes a never
drunken dancing playing pool
moon shining and you're lookin cool
with your 90's jacket open showin
Skin is glowin toastin' boastin
bout being forever young
broke and dumb tired of
feeling so numb you
******* alive
the way you kiss me
makes me miss the
days of witch we
never knew we'd be rememiscing
back when after school naps
was our favorite thing to do
it's hard when i'm depressed
but a little less when
I'm depressed with you
said you love me
And i know it's true
cause what you don't show
in your eyes it shines right through
and i got that rock, it took
all the change in my pocket, look
i don't mean to take it back to there
back to that day with the teddy bear
and all of our pets that i took care
not because i wanted to
but because they made you happy
in a time when you were scared
but now i'm sitting all alone
writing letters in my phone
looking back and taking notes
i'm not to sure what helps
but i know this ain't the antidote

Still i lay, thinking, hoping,
wishing that you would stay
but unfortunatly tomarrow comes
and i'll get lost in the day
then in our bed, all alone, i lay
And think back to a time
where everything felt so safe

You were speaking but the words had no sound.
I feel eveything as if the bad was little more then nothing.
As if the past became the future.
As if it was that first day again.
That first touch.

I miss you more then anything.
I just want to be alone.
Wounds don't heal if you keep opening them up.
Please..
Somebody..
I need a bandaid..

Tonight the gauz will be all im place but it will not matter.
I will pick the wound a final time.
I dosn't take alot to bleed out.
Just a memory.

I aint slept sober in a couple days
no wonder why, we split our seperate ways
and that ****'s still on my mind
like will you pick up if i hit your line?
Was it really cause you're gay or was it just our time?
I don't think i can handle nights like this
thinking bout the bottle as an alternative
cause i know i wont sleep but atleast it's not as ****
i know i told you that i quit
and swear to god i was so proud of it
but the sweet release of not feeling a thing
is really tempting me to take a sip
or take a swig maybe chug a bit
maybe two, just for kicks
now im feelin fly
right in my sheets
but i still kinda wanna die
cause my two brain cells left
thinkin bout that feelin i would get
when you were layin on my chest
half brain cells dead
and im still ****** depressed
gave you back my wring and my only picture left
i don't want those memories,
Stuck, trapped in my head
runnin circles like was it all pretend?
Whose to blame?
I know i aint the best
but bonnie i swear, clyde's still right here
we can run away and chase the sunset
or go on down to the board walk, where we last met
get on that ferris wheel, cause i know it wasn't open yet
just don't say goodbye
cause i dont have a next
all i have is an ex's texts that left a mess in my chest still i check and red the dead roses in our envolopes i screen shotted just to choke back tears on later
maybe it's for worse, but maybe it's for better
is the past a curse, or is it a tether
to the ones that ment the most
so we know who we are, how we got there, and all the scars

You told me we were a mistake
an accident that casually happend and
we were nothing but lonely friends
that fooled around time again
but that look in your eyes
from all those lovely times
makes me want to believe
that it wasn't just a waste of life
it wasn't just a wasted drive
down to florida to see my grandparents
out by the ocean side
you make me feel alive

I never knew what it ment to really have a family
but *******, you were my everything
i could make you happy
if you'd only let me in
We would make each other smile
through all the thick and thin
and the closest i get to that these days
Is with a sedatitive
but that won't hold me tight
and tell me everything'll be alright

My love, my love.
You are a house made of cards.
Our love is built upon nostalgia.
I am starting to forget.
The love is fading,
The passion long gone.
It is time we acknowledge the wind has blown.

With knives to the heart you destroyed my mind, crippling whatever peace i had left. Yet here i am, running back to you.
Running back to the feeling you give me.
Running back to the past.
You're my worst enemy,
Yet my greatest friend.
I'm addicted.
*******.

Little brother if you're listenin
i don't want to talk about it
i don't want to mention
i wish i could go back to when
we were kids again and
if i could change the future
lord knows that i would do it
cause i'm tired of dumb and stupid
so many mistakes im feelin useless
i'm suppossed to be the bigger man
i'm suppossed to lead the way
i'm suppossed to have the plan
but there's things i can't explain
deep inside of me there's a pain
and it's not an excuse i'm just sayin
i really hope you understand
cause it's consumin me
so caught up on who i used to be
drownin all my demons
that plan was straight stupidity
and i know it took a toll,
i know i playd a roll
in your choices, your decision, and as i'm gettin old
i love you more than anything
I really hope you know
i'd give the world to clear those memories
take em right out of your skull
cause we got the same mother
but i don't feel like im your brother
i never did got to know just
how our parents told ya
that i'm movin out the house,
cause rehabilitation kicked me out
and they didn't know quite what to do
but i can't keep on lettin loose
they can't let me **** up my life,
not while i'm under their roof
and i can no longer make excuse'
startin to understand the truth
one thing i never thought about
was how i was affectin you
See i can take the liver damage
my brain can take the abuse
my stomach can throw up but
i only got one chance with you
and in a classic ****** fashion
that one chance i know i blew
i know that you forgive me
but that's not what i'm askin
a part of me wants to believe
that this is actually happenin
and i can turn the clock back
restart and make it not sad
and teach you how to be a man
cause our father never can
and i know it's not his fault,
he aint had a father himself,
there's just so much time lost
that's why everyone calls me josh
back then i had a longer name
and thats all i think about when they say
joshua, or joshie, or mention abbey place
where we grew up together
shared a room
and i taught myself to shave
those were the good years,
with blue pool,
at the blue house,
at a small school,
back before i was a fool,
back before i knew what love was,
but lord knows i loved you
lord knows i still do
i'm sorry

I've been to Hell and Back.
Back was fun yet wrong.
Because nothing changed when i whent Back to Back.
Hell has been here all along.

Send me down to Heaven.
No one would really mind.
Just one shot till the meds will start to work -
Then i'll go back in time.

My garden was once beautiful, filled with the most loveliest of colours. Red for the roses, of witch i particularly loved. Yet as the years go by, my rose bush has wilted; the reminance of nothing but thorns has given me inclination to replant some where else - in a better field, with stronger soil. Yet still i sit, holding on to this old friend, pretending what i loved still exists deep within. Dew drops on my leafy cheeks fall like drizzle rain on a sad sunday afternoon. If only i could learn to let go.

My heart wails a whales wail. The long range longing for long lost love. No amount of self distraction will free me from this prison. I'm lost in a forest with no trees. I've been standing in the feild all along.

Intricate thoughts matter more than repeating instructions taught by instructors.

I was driving down I-85 when all of a sudden I got stunned by a view over a bridge and nearly slammed into a feline leaning against the railing, lost in the view. Lordy, my engine shut down real quick. Neither of us were damaged, but rather impacted. I said my goodbye with an apology tagged along and whent on my way home. Every day i drive that strip, seeing the view, passing by my old friend. Never again did we collide. Every time i passed by, my engine stalled. I wanted so badly to honk, swerve, pull over and talk, anything.
     Yet i kept on driving.

"You only miss me when you're ******"
Like i only breath when i sleep
Or how i'm only smart at school

I don't miss you cause i'm ******
I miss you because i love you
I'm not stupid enough to tell you sober

No matter what, i'll still think of you every morning. I can't control it. You are everything my mind longs for. Everything my heart begs for. Everything my body aches for. My feul.

Oh!
How she sweeps me away
Left gasping for breath
Caught in a tidal of emotion

Beached!
So reluctantly beached
Surrounded by nothing but her
If only I could return home

I've lost myself at sea again
Here I sit to scribble in the sand
If only I knew how to swim
Maybe then I could go home again

A slaughter house of emotions keeps my mind busy as this 145 pound meat bag just keeps getting heavier and heavier. I've begin to wonder if this is how it was always ment to be; trapped in my own thoughts. After all, not everyone gets to be rich.

I wanna write a letter to you
but I thought it better if I used
my metaphores and told a story for ya
this one starts when I was young
before all that numb stuff
back before love was a cup
full of drugs
back where I grew up
there wasn't much but
a couple of us kids
livin life like we wished
the sunshined all the time
you could catch us out side
from noon till night
ridin bikes, playin play fight
on the same side, bein knights
slaying dragons with our swords
or soldiers out at war
always packing action with
whatever we imagined happend
I remember vividly
impatiently waitin for the gamin
on the end the week
on the ps 1,2,3,
360, pc, or wii, just
livin the dream with my brother
somewhere in the suburbs
in the pool gettin sun burnt
little fools with each other
gettin noodles after supper
time seemed to fly so slow
waitin on the cold
so we could go play in the snow
till we're red in the nose
knowin Christmas coming close
it was simple livin those days
when we were children
at times I miss it kinda wish it
didn't ever end though us back then
wanted to grow up so bad an
reminscin it's the same ****, it's
wishin we were somehwere different
missin out on the beauty of livin
minute to minute that's livin in now
so stuck up in the clouds
come down an look around
what you'll find is pretty awesome
opportunity begins to blossom
everything stops looking so rotten
so often lost in those Glory days
never stop to entertain that hey
maybe today's the golden age
sun still shinin an I'm feelin great

slow down bud there's
so much to do
growin up it'll
come so soon
the futures bright and
the past was great but
for a while let's
live in today

I used to be a god of words.
I now pray to god someone even notices my writings.
I used to be a friend to many.
I now have troubles befriending myself.

Lets try something new.
I don't think i'll right about you.
Instead of red, the color of dead,
I think i'll write about blue.

See i have always preferred blue.
It doesn't seem so, but it is quite true.
Drugs and ***** represent the shades of blues,
But this is nothing new.

I could sit and cry,
I could try to die.
I could wallow in pitty,
And forget my pride.

Or i could live my life,
Even if i'm high.
Care free, carefully,
Experiencing new tragities.

Im being evicted
My heart has already left
The alchoholic's conundrum
Love unreciprocated

The smell of the night make the feelings come fast
Cup full of dels bring the memories back
Im chillin and trippin
Your touch i am missin
Up under these stars my soul found a new mission
Ive already submitted myself to submission
I text you i call you
You bring no response
What the **** happend?
Are memories lost?
Did you forget who brought you up off the falls?
Made you feel happy
And after it all
You said you"d love me till death due us part
Yet im still relapsing
While you party hard

You said together we'd conquer it all
You were the one that made me so strong
*******
I miss you
Back at it again
Caught in the feels that were all just pretend
Why can't you see that this is my end?
Without you i cant seem to find who i am
A lonely boy walking under these stars
Pretending that you still were
(Pause)
who you are (pause)

But you're not.
You're gone.
And i'm still motha ****** here.

something bout the night and the sky
the stars and how they shine
a place without no lights
your face and them eyes
how they get me everytime
leave me lost inside your mind
seem to seep inside my soul like
this summer warmth and your glow
hold me close never let me go cause
where the heart is where the home
and mine is held inside your palms
I'll keep throwing rocks at your window
like that we the kings song
cause without juilet,
there'd be no romeo
even if you left I'd be blessed
for the memories inside my head
telling me this life we live
as bitter as it gets
can have a better ending to it
of the stars you're a shooting
and of course I'll be using
all my wishes on you mistress
cause this mission I've envisioned's
the begining of a long winded
trip into the end of time
as long as I'm alive you'll be my dime
forever on my mind
one of a kind
sincerely signed, cloudii

A single slip,
ever so slight.
Another cut,
not quite so light.
Tally your **** ups,
let's set them right.
Draw your blade,
it ends tonight.

I've gone from 2 cups to candies.
Whoops.
Took a few too many.
Looks like i'll be chasing ghosts
   ~From when i was a kid.

Clocks talking their tick tock disturb the innocent mind of hers.
With nothing but the undefined lying ahead she screams.
The chatter grows louder as the 8th voice grows closer.
Unrealizing her past is a painting on the wall
    Gazed upon by the talkers near by
            The clock falls off at 7:55
                    Shattering on the floor.

for cas ~/ 20 1 7 with the class / 6 on the 10  was the day i saw you last / never thought id walk the stage / never thought you'd walk away / now im runnin every day / seems a step head is where my problems play / hopefully instead of in the sheets in wich we used to stay tonight will be the night i end up in the grave / im ****** Poppin pain pills / just to pass the days / painful ways / whats the point of life if we all pass away / smokin jays / high is how i like to stay / lets my mind run away / not gonna lie / im feelin so blue ~/ think i wanna die / when im here without you / never met a woman that / loved me like you do / **** / ever hear the one about the ***** lettin loose / somthin somthin somthin an~ now the ***** blu / try an crack a joke an hear the silence in the room / when you went away had no idea on what to do / feelin like here lately i been loosin all my moves / the smiles at the party man that mask is never true / i lost my since of self / traded in for wealth /  **** a title belt / problems stay in stealth / i need my ****** baby to keep me livin safely / kept the devil waitin now the due's is what he's taken / i said you must be mistaken see my life already vacant / so he took my one safe haven / yeah the drugs whent with my lady ~/ **** ~/ my life is crazy ~/ my mind is always hazy ~/ clouded with the deprications / getten ****** lazy  ~/ i need to get back out an quite depreciaten / lettin go of contemplatin / **** the need of validation ~/ yeah ~ /think its time to leave you in the past ~/ for cas ~/ my love / no more love ~/ forever always fallin fast ~/ you are my last ~/ you are my last ~/ you are my last ~~/ you are my last ~/ you are my last ~/ you are my last

My oldest friend
In those few moments
We share the same breath
Everything is suddenly okay

Your touch is enough
To make everything else numb
Your love is a drug
And I'm still addicted

The bottom of a bottle doesn't seem so scary when your thoughts are full of fright.
Take my too my special tree and tie the knott up tight.
Sober i can feel the pain so sober i take flight.
Dangling for infinity makes the bottle quite alright.

A sky, once filled with your clouds from hell, has been replaced with my smoke stacks of lighting - ready to burn down everything you have built.
Dispite how you have ruined me, i refuse to ruin a house built on straws.
Despite how you crumbled me, i won't leave you when you need me most.

That's the differance between me and you.
That's the reason you no longer deserve me.

You
arn't woth getting to know
Don't even think about people who

are beautiful
Everyone thinks you
are worthless
No one will say "you

are the love of my life"
"you

matter more to me"
No one can

love you
I

hate you
I can't
no matter how hard i try

take even one look at you
My heart skips a beat when i

laugh so hard
because you make me
feel ashamed
I hope you never

love again
I will never

forget you
I can't

A cloud drizzles drops of dew on a hypothetical mans head.
The car doesn't drive the engine,
        The engine drives the car;
A realist paints with love.

I cut the tip of my finger off.
The pain took my mind off of the problems in my life for a bit.

I took a few pills.
The high took my mind off of the problems in my life for a bit.

Oh, so it only matters when you see it happen. I'll hide my self destruction in these gulps - just for you.

It's just lost it's magic.
What you remember is it full of passion.
What you remember is what it's lacking.
That timeless action.
The one that kept you so attracted.
It's all just turned to chores and acting.

Where is my pride and joy?
Who took my youth from me?
Made it all feel make believe?
Reminscing painfully is taking all my sanity.
What a tragity, taking back my past from me.
I can't come to see what my youth has gone on to be.

I miss you.

There was happieness,
then
everything changed.
It
beat
the kid.
The lonely kid
wanderd into
a mindest,
desperate for it to stop.
The kid did what it said,
and
he cut every day.
He could
not
stop.
He beleived he couldn't.
He eventually died.
Depression finally beat him.
He has always struggled.

or

He has always struggled.
Depression finally beat him.
He eventually died.
He believed he couldn't
stop,
not
he could.
He cut every day,
and
the kid did what it said.
Desperate for it to stop,
a mindest
wanderd into
the lonely kid.
The kid
beat
it.
Everything changed.
Then,
there was happieness.

A birth defect gone un-noticed has unbearable results. I would much ratather be incapable but not knowing there is more than capable but unmotivated.

I've changed
I'm still the same
Just did a little growing up
Still my core remains
We can not relate
When you changed
Nothing remained
Except for your name

This pain I feel
You used to heal
These days I'm blue
5 years and I barely know you

If a flower had the choice to grow, do you think it would?

I wouldn't.