Every day's a guess

Then you said;
"Chaos is better than an unknown peace."
So I have only one question right now.
Will you dive into the middle of the storm with me?
In the eye of a hurricane, there is quiet,
For just a moment, a yellow sky.
Let there be all our chaos around us.
I'll be okay with you by my side.
Let it rush and stream,
Destroy everything and the wind flow.
We might only hear the quiet,
But we won't view the world through a window.
We'll be right in the middle of all there is,
And we won't need to hide it.

I knew what love was,
But I didn't realise I never felt it, until you held me.
And love is different for every person,
But I'd wanna feel it with you.

Love is making flower crowns in the school break and putting them on each other's head.
(the flower crowns were just pretty, weren't they?)

Love is not really knowing, but it's okay, because you're with me.
(even though it was just a 'comforting friendship')

Love is staying at school until 5PM, and getting home too late, just so we could spend some time together.
(time we didn't know would make the difference)

Love is skipping class together, and hang out in the hallways.
(that's what normal people do, right?)

Love is laughing so hard that the teachers walking past wonder why we're crying in the hallway
(but weren't we just good friends back then?)

Love is doubting if you should maybe text the other, while they were waiting for it on the other side.
(but deleted texts don't count as actual texts, do they?)

Love is writing poems and poems while having no idea what you're writing, because you want to make the other happy.
(it's just not love if you don't read them)

Love is trying not to say "I love you," because you're not supposed to say that.
(if we don't admit to loving one another, we don't, do we?)

Love is drawing awful bathroom graffiti and being sad because the janitor cleaned off our huge "LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA"
(that was just casual fun right?)

Love is hugging each other almost every morning, because depression is a killer
(friends are there to comfort you, aren't they?)

Love is writing essays on how beautiful you are, or why you deserve love, because I felt like poetry wasn't enough.
(you didn't read the poems anyway)

Love is, I don't know. It doesn't matter. I can feel it when I'm with you, and that's the most important thing right now. As long as you want to feel that with me too, we're going to be okay.

I love you

The thing that hurts the most, to realise, is that no matter how much I love you, and how much I tell you that, it won't change the fact that you want to end yourself. I am powerless, and that's pretty awful, because not a lot of people want you to be okay more than I do, and I can't do anything about it. I'm sorry for that

BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY
FREDDIE MERCURY
GAY
~ Amaryllis

Even if I did live in my head,
You'd still be there.
Whenever I'm scared, I remind myself that you wouldn't want me to be scared, so then I remember;
I know that I'll be okay anywhere.

I'm sorry for the poems that were delayed,
I was on a journey far away.

I didn't know if I was safe,
But you had a way with words.
They didn't even need to rhyme,
Because they were yours,
And that's what mattered.

I used to think you were just beautiful,
I didn't know you at all.
And I stil don't know you now.
But for your mind, I did fall.

Yes, I can write forever about you.
But pens run out of ink sometimes.

My phone clock said it's 18:0011
And I wondered if I traveled back in time.
But then I realised, once again,
You can only do that after midnight.

I dreamt that I kissed you last night,
But I wasn't sad when I woke up.
Because seing you in real life is just like a dream,
Like the dreams I lived were real.

[20/10/19: 20:04] Me: okay so I'm kind of proud of myself. I just showered normally, and shaved without having the urge to self-harm. Like, I held the razor blade against my wrist and I could just say "I don't want this anymore." So I'm kinda happy. There are still strech marks and scars on my underarm, but they're fading, and in a few weeks/months they're going to be (almost) completely gone :) You probably don't care that much and I text you too much stuff, but I thought this might make you a little happy.

And then I came out

I love you,
Whoever you are reading this.
I love you,
Take care of yourself.

Words fail

I will follow you to heaven,
If you come with me to hell.

Hey. Here's another letter kinda thing. Been writing these a lot lately. In my mind, never on paper. I don't really know how to explain what I feel anymore. It's like, I have this sense of feeling? Like I know that they're here, but I just can't seem to find them? Like I can see someone else in front of me, while knowing that they are a person with feelings and thoughs, but not being able to recognise them. Not being able to see the person standing there. Like I can see all of it, but not knowing that it's there. It kinda scares me, in a way. Like I see myself, but not me. Like I see something I was, that people still see as me. I don't know anymore. I've been trying to get my feelings out, and I still am, I just don't succeed often. This is seemingly the only way to get out whatever I'm thinking or feeling. Which is a lot, but also nothing at the same time. I feel lost, so incredibly lost. The world's passing me by and I'm behind a ******* window trying to reach it, but I can't. I never did. I just taught people how to communicate with me through that stupid barrier. It never went away. But if people don't come close to you they won't notice that, so it's fine I guess. And then you came in and smashed the entire thing with a ******* hammer. I wasn't used to opening up to people, especially not people who understand. But, I'm glad I did, and glad that you are here to listen. I don't open up to people much. Been botteling these emotions since 2006, so it's hard to open the bottle now. But I'm trying, and I can't thank you enough for being there with me. Thank you, so much. I love you, bye.

I won't ask,
I already know.
I love to talk to you,
But not about this trauma though.

So my brain thought of another stupid thing;  "You don't deserve to hurt this way. You don't deserve to hurt at all. So please, let me in. I will help protect you from yourself. You've been there so many times, I don't want you to fall." And it's true. I don't know if I will be able to fix you with poetry and stupid nursery rhymes, but I will try. I don't think I'll be able to fix you at all. Maybe I am, who knows? I'll always try. Will you just let me in? Not only in your mind, not only in your words, but in your heart? I want to help you with every bit that I can. And, I get that's not enough. My words will never be enough. But, I will try. So please give me the chance to? That would be enough. Whatever horrible things it are that you're feeling, I will try to understand them. To understand them, and to help you get them away. Because you don't deserve to feel bad. You don't and you never did. And I get that my words will never be good enough to live up to your expectations, but please, please. Will you give me a chance? I love you, I really do. So let me help you, let me in. It doesn't have to be soon, it doesn't have to go fast. But remember that whenever you need me, I'll be there waiting. Waiting with all my words. To make you feelbetter, even in the slightest way.

I just apologise for everything I guess.
They call it "the result of trauma"
I like to think I'm just a very out-of-myself person

I will wait for you whenever,
But when you let go, know,
That I will do so too.

You can't raise Hell with a saint.

I don't have a poem today, but I do have this video that got sent in the group chat.

https://youtu.be/Qp5apTvlHt4

(Thanks to @Amaryllis for the vid ;)

I don't do don't don't disundisdisagreen'tn't

"You make me realise a little bit more every day that love can be a good thing."

Sorry, the wifi was down.
The missing notes will be posted today.

Thank you!!??!
I'm so happy.

I'm just gonna,
Be a poet?
And write you some cheesy stuff?
Is this how you do it?

I've seen quite a lot of beautiful things in my life.
But they were all a different beautiful from you.

I can't seem to focus.
I fall asleep with my eyes wide open.
I can't see it happening now, but I just keep hoping
That tomorrow will be a better day

It's not because of my eyes that the world is blurry,
My mind is always a little bit behind.

I wrote and thought, erased and tried.
Because sometimes, being a poet hurts.
But then I looked at you, and right away,
I knew I'd found the exact right words.

"He's either a madman or a poet."

"Can't I be both?"

"You already are."

Bleeding poetry fills the pages like ancient Rome was filled with wine.
The flowing words never make sense, but at least they're mine.
Every line the same lie- Im fine.
How long until this kindom will surrender?

Like the Vesuvius hidden in Pompeï.
Like a volcano hidden far away.
When the volcano erupts, will you stay?
And let me hold you strong and tender?

In this kingdom of fire, let me protect you.
I will hold you, through and through.
Call me your percecutor, that will do.
Will you let me be your defender?

This world is dark and full of fire- I see.
But it can be beautiful if we want it to be.
And as long as you will fight the world with me-
One day, we might comprehender.

You probably didn't expect a poem from me,
Did you?
Well, I just wanted to say thanks.
Do you remember that one English class, where you read some of my poetry? You almost cried.
I wanted to quit writing at that point.
You made me realise that I had a 'Talent'
No, it was more of an 'undeveloped skill'
If it wasn't for you,
I probably wouldn't have been writing now.
And I'm glad I'm still writing,
Because it saved my life.
So, uh, yeah. Thank you

If you ever look for poetry,
In this weird place.
Just look under my alarm clock.

Hey. Our philosophy teacher gave us an assignment about something with luck and hapiness, so I'm writing to you again. (Not that there's a difference) I love you. You make me one of the happiest people in the world. And, I'm really glad that you are in my life. I really hope you feel the same thing. You make my heart skip a few beats whenever I see one of your texts popping up on my screen. You manage to make me smile at any hour of the day. You light up the world when it's too dark for me to see. You make me so happy. In a  that no one else does. You make me smile in such a manner that people sometimes ask what the cause is of this 'happening.' You're just, everything? You're beautiful, by the way. I'm gonna tell you until you believe me. Because you really are beautiful. People always say that you look better when you laugh, but you don't even need to smile. Not that I don't want you to smile- You smiling is one of the best things in the world to me. I don't really know how to explain.
I'm wondering why I keep writing everything down. We don't live in the 17th century anymore. Ah well, not that it matters.
Sometimes I'm also wondering if you think about me a lot. If you ever do to be honest. But mostly, what you think in those cases. It's not really a bother, but it pops up in my mind at times. When I say this, I think that you must also know that I think about you a lot. Whenever I see a poem (Which I do, a lot) that reminds me of you or something, I get a little distracted from whatever I was doing. But, in a good way. I think. Can it ever be bad to think about someone a lot? It probably just shows how much you care, which I also do, a lot. I do really care about you. You're an amazing human being and I love you. It always surprises me how fast I can fill a page whenever I write something for, or about you. Well, it's not really 'surprising' me. More like 'reminder of how much I'm in love with you.' Welp. It's a good thing though, probably. I mean, I'm just writing stuff. It's not like I'm bothering anyone. (I hope?) And it just keeps getting better. You make my life a little better every day. So, thank you. Really. I'm so happy you're here. (You're adorable by the way) And hopefully, it will stay like this for a little while.
Sincerely, Me

I really don't know anymore.

Fifty-one lines exactly,
Counted on my arm,
As always.
Kind of ironic,
Since I was clean.
For fifty-*******-one days.

I tried to write the most beautiful poem for you,
Until I realised you were the poem.

I'm losing my mind,
But you're here to catch it.

Tja, ik probeer wel nederlands te schrijven,
God weet dat ik het niet kan.
Ik ga niet nog een ******* boek lezen,
Dus we maken er het beste van.

Eerst moet je bedenken wat je überhaupt gaat schrijven.
Geen idee, niet dat ik ooit goeie ideeën heb.
Dus dan gaan we maar weer rijmen,
Alsof het van een rijmwebsite komt, het is haast "nep"

Als je dan eindelijk inspiratie hebt,
*** ga je het dan verwoorden?
Nederlands is gewoon een kuttaal.
Rens, ik ga je op een dag echt nog vermoorden (misschien)

En nu is het klaar met die kutrijmpjes,
Het werkt alleen maar in het Engels.
Ik wilde een rijmwoord bedenken,
Het eerste dat in me opkwam was "soepstengels"

Help lol