so often have I
wanted to just fall
to my knees and

SCREAM

at the absolute top
of my lungs
hoping that
maybe it would release
just a bit of all the

RAGE, STRESS, PRESSURE

constantly building up
in my cacophonous mind

I have a secret
I don’t share it with those close
Because I need something
That I can call my own
And as long as I appear
A bit happier than I am
Then the rest of the darkness
Anything I can hide inside
Is mine alone to enjoy
And I’ll let it destroy me
Just because
I wanted something
That was mine

I want to keep you secret
Because when you’re secret,
You’re still mine
And my thoughts are my own
My feelings are real
I’m free
As long as I keep you to myself
As long as you’re secret

As soon as they know
Their opinions will fill my head
A thick, slow fog in my mind
I won’t be able to trust myself
I know they can convince me of anything
They’ll fill my head with themselves
And there won’t be room for me anymore
No room for us
Once again I’ll be a puppet
They’ll pull at all my strings
Because that’s what they do

I want them in my life
But I also want to be in my life

So for a little longer
You’ll remain my secret
Just until I catch my breath
And am ready to fight my mind

I do enjoy a good sedative
Something to calm the nerves
A drink, a pill, the other pill
Whatever
Anything for a trance state
Unnaturally relaxed
Mm a little buzz... an escape...
Something to get me out of my mind for a bit

I feel so alone
So much of the time
Surrounded by people
Who love me
And who don’t
It doesn’t matter
Because no one knows
Me
And I’m
Dying
For someone to
See me
All the way
Through all my crap
All my walls
All my pain
All my faults
And then still
Choose
To pull me in close
And kiss me
Because he is
So furiously
In love with this
Entire mess

I glide my fingers over
The scab I didn’t mean to make
And try to convince myself
Not to make any more

You don’t need to self destruct to get attention
You don’t need to
Hurt yourself
Cut yourself
Starve yourself
Endanger yourself
Sabotage yourself
To get attention

You deserve attention
You’re worth noticing
You’re worth caring for
You are worth them sticking around

Trigger warning: Self harm, cutting


I didn't really mean to...
But all of a sudden...
I was opening the third drawer...
My hand pulled it out...
Uncapped the blade...

Then I caressed it
Ran my fingers around the tip
Tested it on my ankle
But no... that's not what I really wanted
I know better
I know what I've been craving

So then it was there
In my hand on my wrist
And it slashed three times
Stopping only when blood began to flow
And it did flow.... and flow...
I just wanted to watch it...
As serenity washed over my body

Finally

For once

I'm calm

At peace

You do realize you’re a horrible person,
Don’t you?
Seeking out the pain of others
To stress you, excite you
To trigger you
Abusing your empathy
Do you really just want to be in constant pain?
That can be arranged, you know
They just won’t like it.
There will be consequences
Everything has so many ****
CONSEQUENCES!
Why can’t I just...
Why can’t you just be free?
Just have some ******* fun??
Why is this what I am reduced to?
THIS IS SO MUCH MORE DANGEROUS
You don’t ******* get it
Everything you’ve done
To “protect” me
To shield me
IT HAS ALL BACKFIRED

I want to break free of my captivity
Of my strangling naivety
Bust the hinges off my cage
A violent escape
And if I get there
If I reach that point,
I will most certainly
Leave calamity in my wake.

My hands are shaking
My heart is picking up speed
It could be situational
It could be anxiety
It could be side effects
It could be withdrawal
It could be anything tbh
But I’m really messed up
So I suppose
I’ll pop a few more pills
I can still take three more today...

I desperately wanted to understand
What makes the world like this
I wanted to have depth
To hold wisdom in my young head
Because I felt so shallow
Living in smiles
Never knowing pain
And I thought that was a problem
So, I found myself some turmoil
A little sadness here and there
Sat in pity waiting to be rescued
Hiding carefully for a thrilling chase
I played with my mind like a toy
But I wasn’t gentle, I wasn’t kind
I broke off bits I didn’t like
Now I’m not so shallow
I’m introspective and bright
But I lost so much more
From everything I cut out
I have turned hollow inside

I don’t know if I want you
I don’t have any clue if you’d want me
But I know I need someone
So... let’s see where it goes, shall we?

If I crash to the ground
Shattering like fine china
And lie broken on the street
Would you bother to notice?
Do you know me well enough
To know it was my own fault?
Would you still pick me up
And help glue me together?

Growing up sheltered
Is not what it seems
It is full
Of pain
Just like everyone else
We hurt, cry, and hate
Only we have to hide
Desperately hide

Crippling perfectionism
Became my sickness
I had to always be right
Or at least justify my wrong
Because I couldn't
Bear to let them down
Let everyone down
Let myself down

I spent every moment
Full of anxiety
Like everyone was watching
Judging
And to a degree,
They were

This sickness festered
Within my mind
It brought me a pain
That I could not explain
Because nothing was wrong
Except me
Something was so wrong
With me

Quietly, every minor failure
Twisted into hatred
A self-loathing
That started to **** me
And I didn't even see it
Until it was so big
It tried to swallow me

You see, my problems
Rooted so deep
I couldn't even acknowledge them
Because having problems
Meant failure

Now, I, the sheltered child
Sit alone trying to heal
With all of my baggage
That appears so light
In comparison
To that of those who
Had it much worse

So in silence,
I long to feel whole
Fulfilled
Knowing how
But my strong desire for
Rebellion
Won't allow

Meanwhile,
My need to be perfect
Won't let me rebel
Because it would mean
Blaming no one but
Myself
So I can't let it out

I find mediums
To release the angst
Nursing a caffeine habit
Instead of *******
Honestly,
The destructive forces
Within me
Wouldn't mind it
Either way

I love it when dark clouds roll in
Flickering with excess energy
Shroud my heart and mind in darkness
Excite me with a light show
As ideas flash through my head
My body acts without my consent
Making rash decisions
And I want more
Even when they hurt
Even when they make me ill
Even when they scar
Because the impulsivity
The reckless freedom
Of releasing inhibition
Is so exhilarating
It’s addicting
Make my heart pound
I dare you.

i want to shut down
i want to stop
CEASE
i have to get out....
OUT OF THIS

THIS ISNT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN ANYMORE

HAVE I FAILED???

WHAT DID I DO???

i don't want to tell them...
tell them my symptoms...
because it’s really rather private
why should they get to know??
I DONT WANT YOU TO NUMB ME
and I kinda think... maybe
if i could just shut down
just walk away for a bit
maybe i would be okay
maybe it would all just

go away...

i've made myself sick
my stomach turns in knots
i haven't eaten...
in a long time
and i just keep pouring
more and more chemicals
down my raw throat
because maybe one
will make the demons
SHUT UP
for a moment

I feel sickness setting in
Darkness coming for my thoughts
A plague to paralyze my heart
Evil steeping in my soul
The futility of living
Growing ever loud
How do you want to be alive?

I think it’s getting bad again
The signs are slowly appearing
Forgetting to eat
Adrenaline spikes
Self-medicating
Disinterest
Forgetfulness
But if I can make it go away
By my appointment
I can pretend
It never happened...

You can't hear it
The screaming of my soul
It's writhing in pain
It's lost and lonely
Confused and bruised
But for your sake
I choose to suffer in silence
Because I know you can't take it
I know you can't handle
Seeing me struggle
But I am
And I want you to let me
But I can't tell you
Because you can't take it
Do you see my problem?

If only you’d known
Six months ago...

What a sweet girl
Full of anguish
She bathed in suffering
Her wrists were always bleeding
Her mind was full of fog
All she wanted was an end
She almost got it

But she didn’t

And now... I wish I could tell her
That sweet, broken girl
That in six months she’d feel loved
In six months she’d be kissed
For the very first time
And she’d have hope again
That her life would be full
It won’t ever be perfect
Things are still hard
She has new challenges to face
But she’s not alone anymore
She’s lovable
She’s loved
She’s going to be alright.

The darkness
Has always been an intimate friend
Whispering, screaming in my head
The entirety of my existence
Only to grow louder
To become more convincing
As I tried to fight
But as I’m gaining the freedom
To actually give in
It’s grown so quiet
Allowing its whispers to ****** me
I’m so infatuated with it
And I know I am tethered
Quite strongly to the light
But I also know
If I pull away from goodness
I will find myself with some slack...

tw suicidal thoughts



As a child
I used to fear
Falling asleep
And never waking up

But now
I think about it
And it seems
An exquisite mercy

A nice feeling...                                                       ­                                    .
                        pleasant...                            ­                                           .  .
                                       inviting...                                               y
As fuzziness floods the mind.....                              a
Let me d  r  i     f   t                 a              w                  
I'm ready.
End this day.
Take my consciousness away
I'll probably want it later
But not now
I'm finished for a bit
Grant me these sacred hours
In which I don't have to think
Free me of this curse of existence
Just for a little while.....

I feel slow
My head is spinning
Faster...
Limbs heavy and awkward
I feel good
Finally

I really wanted to brood a little longer
Wallow in the hole I’ve dug myself
But you broke me down
And I think
Just maybe
You made me smile

Sunny skies
Caffeine-induced euphoria
Loud rock music
Feel the pounding beat
Of my pulse with the bass
Hands quaking
But I actually am
Kind of fine
For once
I sit and savor
Smiles and heartbeats

People don’t choose to love me
Love for me is conditional
On smiles and pleasantries
On good behavior
On success and pride
So, why would I want to smile?
It doesn’t bring joy
It doesn’t make me feel alive
But I know how to hurt
So I suppose that’ll have to do

Can’t feel much at all can I?
My body knows how to function
It can be polite, pleasant
Say all the right things
It’ll even smile and laugh
And then instantly
The numbness spreads again
Filling my chest, my head
Everything goes cold
A sort of... annoying sadness
A persistent dull ache
Everything good is forgotten
Smiles erased
Like nothing will ever
Be okay again
Or... was it ever?

You’ve tried to protect me from everything
How futile an effort...
You could’ve just told me!
I wouldn’t need it like this!
I crave what you’ve hidden
You’ve applied so much pressure
Wound me so tight
A band about to snap

It would seem
That all I ever consider
Are questions
And I never quite get closure
No one offers answers
Especially when I'm too afraid to ask
I don't know what I am
Maybe I'm just making it up
Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe I'm dramatic
Maybe I'm sick
Maybe I'm in a phase
Maybe I'm just broken
But I don't want to ask
Because the answer
Can't possibly be good

She is alone
Her weakened body lies in solitude
Begging to be held
Even just... even just touched
Her cheeks are stained with tears
Though no more will flow
There’s not enough of her left now
To feel, to cry
There’s a rough patch on her wrist
Where she’s scarred herself
Time and time again
Her heart pleading
For someone to care,
Someone unafraid of her scars
The wounds of terrible battles fought
But she no longer possesses any hope
That such a person exists

I fall into this place in my head
Eyes closed softly
Letting the world go black
There’s a tightness in my chest
Wrapped around a throbbing pain
My head starts to ache
My entire body crying out for touch
To just be held for a while
I’ll pretend I’m not alone
Just to cope
But I know I lie in solitude
I know there is no one to embrace me
There’s no comfort to come to me
I’m just not enough
I know that...
I really do know...
But it doesn’t mean I can survive alone
It doesn’t mean the darkness will not take me

A year ago...
When life was unbearable
I prayed so long and hard
For God’s peace
Which surpasses understanding
To fill me
To calm me
To steady me
So I could think
So I could breathe
So I could eat
Ending the compulsions
Ending the panic
Ending the dread
And he answered
After I took a step forward
But now I’m not sure
If I’m filled with
The peace of God
Or the peace of paroxetine
Or perhaps... both?

I need someone
Someone who can just sit and hold me
When the panic strikes
Someone who can lay by my side
When everything in me is in agony
Someone who can kiss me
When I feel worthless and hopeless
Someone who cares enough
To love me in my flaws

I think that perhaps
If there was someone who wanted to listen
Someone who cared to stay close
To sit and hold me when it hurts
I think if I had someone like this
Maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much....

I don’t make decisions for me
Because I don’t care
Risks don’t count
I could do anything

But I know better
I know there’s a version of me
Someone who would care
Someday...
It’ll matter to her
I can’t ruin this for her
I can’t destroy everything for her
Because I know what she’s been through
I can’t... I can’t make her pick up my mess...

I want to do something
So incredibly stupid
Just to see
What happens
To see
What it feels like

But the consequences
Of my stupidity
Are such that
I could never dare
To face
To give in

But how wonderful
It would feel
If I could just
Let myself
Do something
Something stupid

There’s something wrong in my head
My anxiety is triggered
And suddenly I don’t feel for you?
I get nervous and then everything’s wrong?
I’m high when I’m with you
I’m high when you’re gone
Until something’s wrong
Then I can’t breathe anymore
I can’t think
Can’t sleep
Somethings wrong
Somethings wronsoemthings.....
Wrong.

Take your medicine.

Leave him be.

You can do this.

Fall back to old habits.

Lol

You’ll never be okay