I have a strong tendency to spiral
One drink and I have to have more
Then it’s better
Then it’s worse
Sleep... then it’s worse
And I need another drink...
Mood plummets
Thoughts get loud
Medicine becomes fog in my mind
And I crave blood

This is what ***** me over
Every **** time
I get something wrong in my system
Throws everything off balance
And I just want it to be worse
I know how to fix it
But I don't want to
I want to spiral
It sounds fun

I stagger through my days
Feeling nothing
Stuck in a state of numbness
Spreading from the inside out
And just once
I pray that the thing I get to feel
Something just as strong as my pain
Is something good

But I know that’s too much to ask
I know the only way out of the numb
Is through suffering further
Good things don’t happen
Not anymore
Not to me

Smile at me
Say my name
Gently lay your hands
On my hips
Look deep into my eyes
Smile again
Like I’m all you
Ever wanted
Then pull me close to
Your chest
So I can feel your
Warmth
Breath
Heart
And just stay
Stay like this with me
Until my head stops spinning
My thoughts slow down
Until it’s just us
Please, just
Stay.

Stay alive
Another day
To drink away
Another night

tw self harm



My wrists burn
Like steam that must be released

I can do it
I can let it out
I can stop it
I can stop it all!!!




But no.

I’m not supposed to do that

I’ll have to tell my counselor

I’ll have to hide more scars


So... I guess I just have to sit here
Wait until I can feel the pills working
And let the steam build under my skin
Burning, yearning to be set free
Oh what a lovely sight...
To watch
The garnet droplets
As they pool on my pale skin
And with every stroke of the blade
I want to drive it deeper

When I remember things that hurt
All the pain, the strife
The months, years of brokenness
I know they hurt
I know I should be able to feel them
They should break me from within
But instead
I just feel
Still

I was a lawful good
Boring, obsessive
Neurotic
But still good

I started leaning away
Let go of the rules
I became neutral good
I’d bend or break the order
But in the end
I’m still good

Maybe I’m even pushing
Into chaotic good
And maybe I’m okay with it
I like it
And overall
My heart is
Still good

So when you say
I’m not myself
You mean I’ve dropped the structure
Released my grip on order
And that’s what I needed
Maybe I’ll bend it a little far
Maybe create a bit of chaos
But that’s okay
I’m still me
I’m still good

Sipping bittersweet coffee
To drag me slowly
From my state
To motivate
The feeling growing
Heart pumping
Faster, harder
Brain less deadened
A little shaky
One more
Sounds just right...

I'm not really hurting anymore
Not like I was then
I guess I'm fine
But that's the problem
I don't like fine
I'm so **** bored
Now that everyday tasks
Don't terrify me
And I know it's bizarre
Because I don't want to go back
I just want to feel alive
And all that adrenaline
Felt so good
Even though
It was about to **** me
I'm going stir crazy
Just being

tw self harm




If I wasn’t worried about scars...

I... I wouldn’t stop...

I’d go over and over and over again
Pulling the blade across my arm
Everywhere
Use all the space now
Fill it all in
Til there’s nothing left
Nothing untouched
My forearms bleeding and raw...
Because... well...
If I wasn’t worried about scars...
There’d be no reason to stop

There’s a story on my heart
One full of adventure
Of brilliance
Science and magic
Risks and heroes
Dark struggles
Haunting pasts
It’s all in there
Because
I want my heroes
I want them to win
Let’s watch them overcome
Falter then rise
Stagger then steady
Because if they can
These creations in my stories
Then just maybe
I’ll have the strength
To pull myself back up
From how far I’ve fallen

I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve
But I wrote a story on my wrist
Maybe someday I’ll let you read it
But first, you need to prove to me
You know that’s not my only story

I feel the storm rolling in...
Dark, swirling, MASSIVE

terrible

Lightning crackles within
Neurotic energy of the storm
Painful and powerful

In my chest,
In my stomach
The press
                 ure
                         bui
                                lds

Can’t get comfortable
Can’t stop thinking
CAN’T STOP THINKING

I want to

SCREAM IT OUT

EXPEL IT

BANISH IT

if only it were that simple...

Oddities of flesh
Pale and sickly
Necrotic, peeling off
Craving death so near
But if treated with care,
It will glow like fire
Radiant, vibrant
And it will be so
Impossibly beautiful
Full of vitality
Powerful
But, it must be
Treated with care

I’m a stranger in my own flesh

On the obvious,
My adult body
Has never been
This small before
It feels strange...
It was not by choice

But I don’t know
I’ve no idea who I am
I lost a year of my life
My senior year
Stolen by insanity

I was supposed to
Go out and find myself
Go away to college
But I was too weak
I couldn’t do it

So here I am
Alive only because
I’m addicted to my drug
The one prescribed
But this is when
I was supposed to find out
Who the hell I am
And instead
There’s this thing
In my head
And I need it...
So badly I need it
But I can’t tell
If I’m making the decisions
Or if it is...
I’m a stranger
Inside my flesh

What the hell?
Today was amazing
It was simple
It was pleasant
It was living

But now... now my mind
It’s straying, staggering
It’s craving things....
It wants my wrists slit
It wants my head spinning
It wants destruction
It lusts after death

Procrastinated all day
So here we go...
Caffeine high
Music so loud
Laptop out
Calculator ready
Let do this.

Awaking from my self-induced daze
I wasn’t careful
Too much wine
Not enough food
Not enough water
And to my stupid surprise
My head aches
I feel ill
I just want to lay in bed
Part of me is begging not to do it again
But another is begging for more

I'm so successful
In their minds
I can function
I am bright
I smile
I laugh
I'm capable
I'm eloquent
I'm responsible
I have a good job
I'm quite skilled at it too
I've got impressive grades
I'm steps ahead in school
I'll have a high-paying career
I've got it all together
I've perfected "success"

but

I'm not happy
I want to cry
I want to rip my heart out of my chest
I desire to make myself weak
I don't want to care for myself
I don't have friends
I don't have support
I'm utterly alone
I'm suffering terribly
I can't keep my thoughts straight
I struggle to keep the darkness at bay
I'm in ruins

I guess that's success.

I don’t want the pills
I don’t want them
I hate this suffering
Existing
I’m so ******* sick of it
It just goes on and on
Steadily getting worse
And I watch everyone figure it out
Steady themselves
Find something to make them happy
But there’s no happiness in me
It’s not there to find
Void
And I would rather feel the sting of a blade
Than to suffer in this empty, broken existence

I'm not exactly in pain
I'm not exactly hurting
I'm just here
In this strange, surreal state
Where nothing feels quite right
I don't know if I'm fine
I honestly might be
But I have this nagging
That makes me wonder...
I've spent so much energy
On faking smiles
For so **** long
That I can't tell them
Apart from happiness
I want to believe I'm fine
But I also
Want to be in absolute shambles
And I'm not really sure
What I'm supposed to do about that

Oh, how I’d love to just surrender
Give up the fight for my life
Stop taking the meds
Put up with the withdrawal
Let it push me over the edge
Drink myself into a stupor
**** someone pretty
Slice my limbs and bleed...
Stop going to therapy
Stop trying to explain
Stop trying to hide
Just surrender
Give up
Give in
Let
Me
F
A
L
L
.
.


.



.





.

It's been a while
Since I last wrote
I suppose I haven't had much to say
I can't seem to feel anything at all

Every day is a blur
My heart aches for contact
To hear familiar voices around me
To be anywhere that's not this house

But more than anything
I just want to feel something
I just want to feel loved

when one survives long enough without receiving affection,
one ceases to believe they are worthy of it.

Alright, Darkness
You’ve held me captive so long
I stopped fighting
I let you consume my mind, my being
But I did not rest idly
I gathered my strength
And now I will reach yet again
For the sword I had sheathed
I will fight
I will wage war
To protect myself
To save myself
I’ve rested well
And now with my sword in hand
I will banish you from my heart
I will reach out to the light
And be filled again
With life

One shot for the years alone
Another for the panic
A shot for hope gained and lost
And one for my illness

While we’re at it
Take one for the boy you wanted
The one who kissed you
Then have a few more
For him deciding he doesn’t want you

******* drown it
I don’t want to think
Don’t feel
Just lie down and let the room swirl
And maybe it won’t all hurt so much...

I can feel it
Closing its cold fingers
Tight around my throat
I want to fight for my life
But I can’t move
Its poison
Running unobstructed
Through my veins
Into my heart
Into my brain
Everything goes fuzzy
I’m so confused
My head is swimming
Reeling
It’s taking over me
I’m losing control
I want to let go
What if I give in?
Would it be so bad?
I’m forgetting to fight
My body is weak
Stumbling and staggering
I don’t think I can take it
I’m letting go
I’ll never have peace
If I keep fighting it
So why not
Just let it
Take over?

I don’t know what’s happening
I strain to remember my past
Every memory brings more pain
But also eases the confusion
Still my head spins
There’s so much at work here
What a tangled web I’ve weaved...

I want to be her
The girl you see
When you look at me
Flawless, kind, selfless
And around you, I am
But I hate her
She’s your creation
She doesn’t belong to me
If you let me go
I will tear myself apart
The last threads will sever
I will release
What you taught me
To pressurize inside
And after my eruption
I will sit in my own ashes
And rebuild myself
Out of the embers

Hahahaha
I’m being torn into pieces
Everything within is in agony
Does it even matter
Why would I want
To go on
lol.

Trigger warning: Self harm, cutting, suicidal thoughts


I have no patience for poetry tonight
Though desperately I require its release
I can't think up metaphors
Clever phrases to express

THAT I AM NOT ALWAYS OKAY
THAT SOMETIMES I WANT TO FEEL PAIN
bring me to reality                  punish me                   i want to bleed...
THAT SOMETIMES I WANT TO DIE
i can't take this....            i can't live like this          i'm so desperate
THAT SOMETIMES I WANT TO DEFILE MYSELF
why the hell not              i'm worthless anyway        ******* hideous
THAT SOMETIMES I WANT TO ABUSE MEDICATION
what'll it do?                  you could get away....              induce a smile

I DON'T EVEN ******* GET IT
I DON'T UNDERSTAND
what is wrong with ME??

I JUST WANT SO DESPERATELY TO ACT OUT
I'M CRAVING A SWEET ESCAPE!
W H E R E   I S    M Y    E S C A P E????????????????????????????

T  E  L  L     M  E  !  !  !  !  !

One more time
Would you say that again?
Please?
Tell me.
Tell me I’m beautiful.
Tell me how much you want me.
It’s... it’s lovely
It’s intoxicating.
And I’m an addict.

How do you live
When the only thing
You feel like doing
Is dying

I’ve let the whispers
Of the demons in my head
Turn into comforting melodies
Turn into irresistible desires
They tell me how good
The sin could make me feel
Convince me of solutions
That shouldn’t be options
I let them taunt me
Twist my thoughts around
But in a moment
I am reminded who the enemy is
The demons are not on my side
No matter what they try to offer
Even when the temptation
Sounds exquisite
I have to muster the strength
To fight for my life

It’s right there!
I can see it, smell it, taste it
But I cannot indulge in it
No, that would be wrong!
Of course!
And I do no wrong...
That’s what they say, anyway
They don’t even know I crave it.
Every possible scenario
Every method
Every option
To keep it secret yet give in
Running over and over in my head.
I just need to try
Can I, please?
Sure, you look down upon it
But why can’t you just let me try?
I’m getting really desperate
The desire hurts
Because it just might
Even just barely
Release me from these chains
It might ease the pain

My existence aches
I don’t know why
Every muscle tense
I can’t get comfortable
I want to dissolve
Into nothingness
I don’t know why
I want to cause pain
It’ll give me a reason
To hurt
My hands trying to move
To where the marks can hide
So instead I type
Maybe I can trick them
Into thinking they’ve done
Their dark deed

So many chemicals
Float around in the brain
I guess mine weren't right
Caused too much pain

They didn't care
I was in a good home
Going to church
Having things of my own

My life wasn't perfect
My parents would fight
But that doesn't explain
So much crying at night

I never did drugs
Drank, skipped class,
Failed tests, was bullied,
Or was harassed

On the surface
I appeared to be perfect
But I was always a storm
That you'd never detect

The chemicals which
Decide state of mind
Don't give a ****

Mmm... darling... I want you close
Let me pull you in
Drink you in
And when I can't feel you anymore
I make you come closer
You can't resist
And I can't ask for help
So I'll just... inch myself
Closer.... closer... close
To the ed
                 g


                   e

See if you'll notice
Send up flares
Write it in the sky

I'M IN PAIN
I NEED AIDE

And watch you ignore it
Am I too subtle?
I'm too cautious... too afraid
Perhaps there's something more drastic
Something clear.

When I joke about mortality
When I dissociate in front of you
When I clearly am not myself
When I can hardly move
When I rely on abrasive stimulants
When I lust wildly after your wine
When I admire my bleeding wrist

Will you notice me?

Because every sign you ignore
Every strange action you rationalize away

You lose me a bit more
You push me a bit further away
You make me step towards the edge
And eventually
I will take a step
And I won't return.

There's something addicting
About a sharp
And beautiful mind
Full of a clean kindness
Fighting hidden demons inside