Your Face is the color of painful secrets
Or perhaps just pain
Your friendliness kills the vicious realm of

Myself that I rule
Your averting eyes scream
And your false smile weeps

Speak to me,
Ms. Agony
Tell me your pain

Let me wash it away
show me the real smile
that hides behind your torment

There are two persons
who grew inside of me
Both of who I'm certain
Will never ever agree

One could grant me guarantee
One could chase away the anger
I wish they could sit and have tea
Find some way they could both keep me anchor

Oh how I love the passion, the fire and the hate
The relief of being who I was meant
The feeling of superiority that's simply great
I just adore being sound and kept but bad and bent

But a human portion knows I am distracted
And strains to help
This person who can pull me out of reaction
call out in screams and yelps

I love both
But their voices overlap
They stunt me from growth
but all the same fill an empty gap

Could it be possible to save each one?
Could I function with two?
I know neither and I know none.
but from the cardinal I love you

And hate you too.

For a silly moment
I felt like it was truly
real
I was happy

In this doltish second
everything had stopped
because
I was afraid

For the next moments too
my mouth was a fountain
of truth
and nobody

Not an eye in the stage
could hear
the golden candor
or see the hands of open scars

They shied away from
my literal thoughts
and my honest heart
because they really don't understand

That's alright
It's okay
I could never in a billion eons expect
for anyone

With a PhD in love
or friendship
or psychology
or the human mind

to understand in even the slightest
form
So I am sorry for spurting
Sincerity that you were not

prepared for
I'm truly sorry that I let you love
a person who will forever be
all alone

What marvelous beauty
To that I was so unaware
Came to front and newly
presented an Utopian swear

In the time that my moon allowed
In the time that my mind allowed
my moon to exist
I was incandescently warm

And for months I marveled
Well aware of the fabricated luminosity
That this dear moon shone
But still - I basked in the light

That was granted
And how simple it was
So adjust a pair of gloves
to shield integument from brilliant cadence that was ever so enchanted

And now that the short lived inspiration
At the sound of a syllable has vanished
All my hopeful admiration
has seemingly been banished

And to my honest surprise
A breath of relief
Instead of one of demise
Has looked to proceed

Too prideful to hate
Too heavy to love
Too gifted to hope
This curse form above

The voices they shout
One from in one from out
"Too strong to cry, stand up, don't pout!"
but somewhere inside there's a creeping doubt

Prideful, unapologetic, invincible and high
Isn't this what I want in life?
But there are other things, I cannot lie
Sensitivity, humanity, sympathy, to be rid of strife

Water and oil
They wont mix
but choosing one may spoil
The rest of my life, beyond fix.

She dreams in color.
She dreams in red?
The only dreams I seem to have
are ones where I have cried and bled

But those dreams are not dreams at all
It seems
They are the very air I breathe
The very life I live
in the messy words I scrawl

My dreams are the fulfilled
I dream in red
I dream in blue
Yellow
Peach
Pink
Green

I dream in new

And those dreams where warmth is internal
Where the sun shines in every crevice
Where smiles exist and
Where I am no loner nocturnal

Those are the dreams
Ah yes
those are the ones

Wrong in every subject
Right in one

Melt the moon
but freeze the sun

Use 12 muscles
to start the gun

If minds were selfless
We'd use 12 muscles
to falter

none

It doesn't feel like Christmas
It feels like

Disappointment

it feels like

Depression

The words that once held me together
An adhesive of the strongest kind
Now as delicate as a single feather
has left me crumbling, all heart and mind

Their once soft voice has mutated to a raspy scream
Their lovely home is nothing but a painful prison cell
My thin fabric is now a popping seam
From my mountain-top journey; I fell

Always a physical deformity to blame
"It's your glasses, It's the stress, It's the weight"
But the dizzy spells and the migraines are not from where they claim
And some of this anguish is arriving a bit late

I can feel the water filling my lungs
I can feel the iron fingers closing around my throat
I can hear my friends, only they speak in tongues
I can smell the smoke of the burning words I wrote

Nothing is familiar and everything is vague
I can feel my head slipping
into this virus that's worse than the plague
The reason that I have spilled is slowly dripping

I have ceased

My own decision
my own creation
my own displacement
my own deflation

I thought and
I asked
I was granted and
It passed

It only worsened
I drowned in delusion
I tried and failed
Now I sit in confusion

The thoughts are thicker
for longer
they grow darker
And stronger

My sanity is slipping
My ration is shrinking
My thoughts are repeating
And I never stop thinking

Help

I can't say that I won't stand it
Because I will
I won't say that I can't do it
because I can

I won't say that I am done
Because this ride is never over
I will never say that I will leave
Because I won't

But I will never stop thinking it
oh no
never

I've stepped closer
Into a world unknown
a world I didn't know
existed

And still I don't know if I'm in love
still I can't tell
but what I do know
is that I love you

I care deeply
and your hugs
are . .
your touch
is . .

is

is

Home

I used to think back
to get my fix
of giggly
love

But now the memories
are faded and worn
pieces of my mind
that are slowly
being
forgotten

I love you

I loved you

But now remembering your voice it too hard
on my mind
and too consuming
for my tight schedule.

You hurt me
but with me being who I am
I love it
because that was the small price to pay
to feel the wonders
of love

And with the fading pain
the fading passion
I am petrified
that I will never




ever love again

The words spill out of my mouth
in streams of neat, gold sentences
and heartfelt emotion
And I wait; relieved

The response
is usually silence
from any failed sentiment
to my despair

"Oh"
the most common
the sharpest knife
of them all

Or a nod
which stings even more
so intensely
that my eyes begin to sweat

And so I retreat
into the comforting silence of pretend
pretend that I am alone
which would be a million times better

Yet they wish to know the whisper-worthy
they want to know the reason
and either I give or I don't
but either way
Its futile

When all the music is only noise
When the words on a page mean nothing
When the content of my own thoughts are pointless
When the voices of loved ones are just bothersome

That's when I know
That's how I see
A low that's lower than low
Is the one place where there is no such thing as "we"

I don't get butterflies when I see you
My heart doesn't skip a beat
I don't smile and fumble for words
I don't get red or flushed with heat

But your nasally laugh is a sweet choir
That brings comforting smiles
I would love to say I'm just a silly girl
When I confess that for you; I would walk a million miles

The way your arms feel
around my waist
I can't describe it; the words don't exist
But in those few seconds I am happy

I don't know if I love you
I don't think I do
I don't want to love you
but I need you to breathe

You love me
I know you do
But that love is for brothers and sisters
sad, yes
but true

Just outside my reach, it lingers
giggling promises and showing me its sun
If I could only stretch out my fingers
I would swipe it and run

Just its simple existence
Knowing it can truly be real
And at such a short distance
Its warmth I can already feel

It brings me a smile
Pushing away the inconveniences
even if its only for a while
Even if for only small instances

I beg for this to be what is seems
Please  no more lies
I plea to let me have just one of my dreams
I have been stricken down once more, but please oh please
**Let Me Rise

I could tell you my problems
I could sing you a song
To tell the tales of woe
all night long

I could cut out my chest
and give you my heart
I could wipe away the blood
so you could tell them apart

I could show you the scars
of my own words
or my flaws
I could show you my dead birds

I could disgorge all my thoughts
I could draw you a table
and explain to you my sky
I could do all these things, but you'd never be able

To see
**Why

Am tired of trying
To explain