My darling,
For 2016:

1.)  I hope you know you have nothing to prove.
2.)  Please stop wanting to end life early. Every sunrise is made for you. Realize that every night the moon kisses you good night and the stars ask that you choose to stay.
3.)  I hope you find time to be more grateful.
4.)  I hope the world surprises you with beautiful things in return. I hope what is normal never becomes boring to you, and you always see things with a sense of wonder. I hope you still believe in magic.
5.)  If it’s past midnight and you’re still awake for no reason, go to sleep. Rest. Clear your head. You will have more strength tomorrow.
6.)  Stop hiding behind your sadness. Wipe your tears, let it go. Learn how to be alone without hurting.
7.)  Learn to actually be there for people. You will be amazed how good real companionship feels. Believe me, you don’t appreciate your friends enough. Show them. Share your life with them. Be happy together.
8.)  Cherish that guy. He loves you; stop doubting it. Be there for him, not because he needs you, but because that’s where you want to be. Protect each other.
9.)  I think you already know who you are, deep inside. And it’s not how you think of yourself on a bad day; it’s not how greatly others think of you. You’re confused now but you’re trying. One day you will be greater than all of this, and you won’t even realize it.
10.)  I hope this is the year you become everything you want to be, but with a heart like yours, you will always want more: to do more good in the world; to be better, kinder; love deeper, love truly. Despite your struggle, I hope you realize you’re already all you must be.
11.)  Continue to live in the best way you know how.

If you remember how it felt
to dream of her at night, then you remember me -
The love you lost and couldn't keep.
The first time you looked into her eyes
and realized you were happy;
to the girl you thought you would marry.

Do you remember how it felt
to have her near, not yours to touch
Do you remember feeling everything so much?
Because first love is always an only.

If you remember how it felt to cry at night,
then you remember me.
You thought nothing could ever hurt you
that deeply. Your heart so brave and clumsy,
so sorry for itself. You belonged to someone else.

And yet look back and remember,
that girl made you less scared. You took risks
and you learned, and you grew,
and it hurt; it was the first -
the love you lost and couldn't forget.

The girl who went and changed
everything, the light of your world,
the love that made you believe
in heaven, 'cause she was an angel on earth

Though in the end she saw you
as nothing more than a friend,
you loved once, and you will love again.

by pretending I am more than I let on,
to like myself more,
to be able to forgive my weaknesses;
by pretending I am normal;
by pretending I am special;
sometimes there is pain, too much of it.
                sometimes I numb the pain.
                sometimes I worsen it,
                sometimes forget about it.
I smile a lot, even when I don’t feel like it;
by forgetting to cry;
by allowing myself to feel good enough;
by thinking I’m worthy;
by telling others I love them,
                when I am not brave enough,
                caring enough,
                too self-absorbed, to love.
by thinking that I will ever change;
by thinking that I will never change;
by giving up on myself;
by still hoping.
because I cannot lie to myself.
because I do not even know who I am.
because I’m trying
                  to become myself
                  and to get away from myself,
                  always at the same time.

09.01.13

I know the likelihood of me getting asked to prom measures up to the likelihood of anyone actually using the white crayon in the Crayola box. I am going to be the girl that’s not even on any guy’s Plan B.

And that would be totally cool except I’m sad.

I am shaking my head at God and how he totally owes me one.

Prom is supposed to be like, the fairytale moment! I’ve been dreaming of princes and ballrooms and dancing and romance and magic and love… probably since I was conceived. How could you even let the dreamer girl who wanted to be a princess nurture five hundred layers of beautiful only to coat her with thick paint in the shade called “ugly”? (Trivia: That drives boys away.)

So maybe I still made believe I was a princess. But often enough, the mirror reflects the facade, when I’m expecting it to hold my heart. It gets to a point that you just have to let go.

I have theories. I used to despair and say that I was in the wrong storybook. What a life for such a girl. But it happens that romantics don’t have anyone to hold. (Thus the teddy bears, I suppose. Do you know how hard I hug those? I am pathetic.) My second theory, is maybe I’ve been looking from the wrong perspective. Maybe my life isn’t going to be a fairytale in the way I expect. How about a modernized version or something?

It’s becoming obvious that I don’t really have any ideas.

Except for one last.
Maybe there’s a plot twist?

Maybe there’s a plot twist.

This year:*

(for those with brave hearts)
I hope you find the strength to make your choices and fight for the life that you want.
I hope you look up from all your hard work and realize how much you've grown.
I hope you find yourself saved sometimes.
I hope you find time to get lost, in your head, in the wilderness, to explore forests, and gaze into rivers.
I hope you find your best self looking back at you. I hope you know you're always growing.
I hope you feel challenged.
I hope you never stop believing in the view from the top of the mountain.
I hope you get there. I hope you find it was worth it.

(for the softhearted)
I hope you find more time to laugh.
With your friends, at yourself, or at the world for ever thinking it could hurt you.
I hope you can take the pain and say "thank you."
i hope you realize it has only made you all the more good, all the more beautiful.
I hope you start looking less at the mirror, start believing more in who you are in other people's eyes, what you know you are in your heart.
I hope life gets sweeter, hope you wake up with your head in the clouds, your soul flying.
I hope you finally find what you're looking for.
I hope you find yourself smiling.

(for those with big hearts)
i hope you realize how important you are, how you make people feel appreciated and loved.
i hope you realize that the world wouldn't be the same if you weren't trying so hard to make it a better place.
i hope the world tucks you into bed, proud of its little soldier.
i hope you appreciate yourself for your efforts.
i hope you never get tired of being a champion of the things people say no longer exist - so much kindness, goodness, love, peace.
i hope that you find fulfillment in the little things because sometimes, that's all we get.
little things like knowing you made someone smile, or that the people you love are doing fine, doing better.
i hope you realize that's all you need.
i hope your heart is proud of itself.
i hope the love that burns in you always keeps you warm.

(for the fainthearted)*
I hope you realize there's so much more to your life than you thought there was.
I hope you find moments that make your breath catch, a million things to marvel at.
I hope life surprises you. I hope you surprise yourself.
I hope you find your horizons expanding, and see that it's not as bad as you thought.
I hope your dreams take you places; I hope you travel paths that you never knew existed, but where you feel you belong.
I hope you discover your longings, what your heart would sing for, what you didn't know you wanted all along.
I hope you get up and chase it.

pisces:
stop claiming you are weak. it doesn't come down to strength,
it comes down to self-discipline.it comes down to
there should've been something there (love),, every time he looked
at you, every time he needed you to hold
him. you scorned him, when you were both on the floor but it showed
on his face more. it comes down to
you left

his body wracked with sobs, gasping for breath because he didn't think you
would. everyone believes you when you say you love
them except after a while they don't. he was spellbound and starstruck
and delusional. everyone thinks you are kind. but there are five people
who might be able to tell how you are cruel
and self-absorbed when you are bored. you tire of your toys

and the people who fell for you first got the worst of it. when you know
you;ve got it you don;t want it anymore. so you pretend to cry,
tell everyone youve never been loved back. but get a grip on your head
and your heart, pisces, if you really want everything to stop
falling apart. surrender that cruel magic of yours, have more truth;
puke out the pain you've enjoyed, [give up] the shallow joys for profound
ones. pick your soul up off the floor. beat some sense into it.

go out there with everything in the right place and when you know want
to do, go do it.

I

And I don't know what they mean,
by not falling at your feet,
and kissing your wounds
every time, with apologies.

You learned
to run until your legs give,
and they never do.
You're still running.

I've watched you

pick yourself up,
dust yourself off,
and sigh, enough times.
It's just another scratch.

The world can't break you until
it does. God knows
they've had enough chances.

God knows you've been waiting.


II**

You're hardened;
you expect nothing, await
only one thing.

Come out of fights,
doubled up but breathing.

You don't know why your bones
don't break, just as easily
as promises have.

When was the last time
you were offered a hand?
When you stopped looking into
people's eyes

knowing you weren't going to find anything
There's nothing for you here.

And maybe every wound,
brings you that much closer
to leaving.

my math teacher has flared nostrils as extended proof
that he inhales nonsense and exhales logic
in matters of seconds
and there is a boy who aces his tests
ribcage rattling with numbers
bloodstream rushing with answers

and during math class, i am the dull girl
with the blank face
you can't furrow your brows because
the teacher will stare at you
and i'm thinking about
brilliance and my lack of it, you know
sometimes i have poetry floating
through my brain

but i'm not going to get good grades for that
there are cookie crumbs falling on my lap
and the boy is staring at me

It's hard to be good at life, even if we try. Sometimes, the ladder you're standing on falls, and sometimes, you're not only fallen but broken. When you scream in pain and find you're alone. Life does that. Even if we try.

Too often people whose eyes and hearts and souls are vacant try to empty us likewise.

We look out the window to find we missed the sunset. And instead, gray skies unfold sadly, sad but screaming of coming rain.

When screaming causes you pain yet still the volume is turned up. Your shoulders keep getting bumped. When you're in a slump, you get kicks instead of a lift. And fall down Alice's rabbithole. Or not. Where you land is no wonderland.

See. Even if we try, and the only bad we do is cry, the only harm we cause is to ourselves, it seems there are more lessons for us to learn, more ways we can get burned. It seems, we haven't been thoroughly hurt.

I'm still looking for reasons; though in me is all the evidence, that the world has a grudge against humans. What is so wrong about us...?

That girl who smiles, taking the hand of the old lady beside her, they are both dying -- she, of cancer. A man with a woman with cheekbones and crudely cut hair, towing three laughing kids in a wheeled wooden cart. The young lady who only wanted to go after her dreams -- who was full of potential, is now just full of unshed tears and broken pieces, the faded light that was hope; who should have been a star, prays to burn in hell or whatever's waiting.

But I know that she is beautiful. I know that his heart is as big as the world. I know that she cares, that she dares, that she's brave.

I used to think we were made of the galaxy, but it is cold, unrelenting, and, we couldn't be farther from that. We are suffering. But our tears are diamonds, our sweat – liquid gold, our blood - something greater than the universe. And our hearts our hearts our hearts! It is the mother of everything for which there are no words.

And while I question practically everything (the beauty of life, the wisdom of kings), I have never doubted the pure wonder of the human soul. While I don't know that it gets better, I know that we deserve better. Let's make it so that prayers work again, that there are such things as friends. No more backbites or fistfights, no more rejection, insecurity, glossy eyes that hold back waterfalls. May the rainbows be hope instead of lies. And when you're down, a helping hand instead of a kick to the side. Let's do what we can, so that no one might ever again so truthfully wish their life to end. Care. Help. Love. You shouldn't wait to enter heaven if you haven't tried to bring it down to earth.

You're turning eighteen.

I know you think it's a big deal, and well, yes, you should celebrate it. But for the most part, things are still the same and change is yet to come. You will wake up still with acne scars. You will wake up still with painful memories carved into your thighs. You will remember that once it wasn't like this and you will have the vague sense that even what you have now will soon no longer be.

Rejoice in the fleeting nature of this moment, with its infinitesimal relevance and infinite beauty. You live here in this ever-changing space; nothing stays the same and you let yourself be carried from day to day. You drift. You watch the landscape of your heart slowly change. Sometimes the sun is creeping over the horizon and the sky is painted in your favorite colors. Sometimes you watch the sky shed tears and apologize for its mistakes. Sometimes you feel filled up with it.

You're turning eighteen. You're scared. And no, you will not wake up entirely different. You will have to keep being alive without knowing what it means. You will still have to be alone. This is your body. This is your soul. This is your brain; these are the demons you've created, monsters you've fed. This is your heart; these are the cracks, these are the bruises which are still tender, still blue.

If you listen closely, it is still in pain, fighting to beat each second. It remembers how you kicked and screamed and threatened to hit it, beat it to a ****** pulp, if it refused to give up on its own, to just stop, to pack its bags and leave behind a sunken, shriveled mess. You remember you were wearing tennis shoes and holding a baseball bat.

Sometimes, inside you, there are thunderstorms no one can tell are brewing. It's just the weather. Tell yourself that. It's something you will have to put up with and make adjustments for every day of your life. So pack an umbrella, buy pink rain boots and a matching polka dot rain coat, if you want. Bandage your heart better, prop it up with stilts, and whisper good things to it sometimes.

Say you've made it this far.

i regret being alive
at seven every morning
on the dot, without a doubt,

when i know
i'm going to be
late for class,

with my english teacher,
who thinks i'm good for nothing;
and my mother

will get called to school,
if it happens
one more time,

and i'm not tired.
i simply want
to tear my hair out,

and
scream,
endlessly.

i regret being alive
when i wake
with a splitting headache,

the million alarms
still ringing
in my head,

all of which i turned off
so i could sleep
through them

without doing
my homework.
and i don't want to cry.

i just want to live in hawaii,
beside the beach,
like a hippie.

another day
of not raising my hand in class,
because i'm shy;

another day
of my grades
getting lower.

i feed the fish
we keep alive
to experiment on.

i see a friend
and we're laughing
in the library.

i water the plants
in our garden
for agriculture class.

sure, i'm tired,
but i'm kind of
happy.

It's been a while since I've tried writing the loneliness out of my soul.
but how do I stop feeling so alone?
can I cage up the feeling somewhere away from my bones
so I can breathe easy again without the voice in my head saying
"you don't deserve to be loved" and "you'll never have anyone to hold"
because it's true, and i feel bad when i look at you,
and when i hold you my hands are full of apologies,
selfishly not wanting to be empty, but in the end we let go.
we always let go and i'm always alone and i want to be free
of wanting to be otherwise. i want to stop being so restless on my own at night,
pleading with whoever's on the moon to give me someone too,
hoping for friends and for something more and for love that will forgive me for wanting it too much,
for desiring what i don't deserve, for a soft voice that will say, "it's okay. i want to love you anyway."
but i'll settle for nights that don't feel so cold; i just want to feel okay on my own,
no tears slipping down my cheeks when all i want is to sleep.
i want to stop feeling empty, i wish my bones would know they're home -
i am my own safe place. i want to be alright. at night i clutch a pillow to my chest so tight
it's like i am trying to squeeze my heart numb.

it may not look like it, but i am trying very hard.
you think i’m bad because i’m late to class even though
you don’t know why. look at my essays like you know
what grade they’re going to get, when you haven’t even
read them yet. you think because my quiz scores aren’t
perfect that i don’t understand.

but people have different capabilities;
maybe i’m not where i’m supposed to be,
and i need you to stop judging me for that.
all people ever see is how it looks like;
you’re never going to understand if you don’t try.

i haven’t slept right since school started, trying to solve
math problems which don’t seem to make sense. i read
the textbook before i was asked; did every single thing i
was supposed to. it’s crazy. it meant waking up at dawn
after sleeping at two in the morning.

you don’t know how it feels when your best is never
enough, and you have no idea how hard it is to keep
doing that, to keep trying anyway.
you don’t know how often we break.
i have learned to count myself strong, not because i win my
battles, but just because i face them.

we learn to compromise, sacrifice. i don’t have poems
in my head anymore (it’s a mess in there), and i don’t
have the energy to play sports. i don’t see my friends
except in the corridors, all in a rush to get somewhere.

we get no credit, and all the shame. our stories don’t
get told; they’re not the ones where people clap at the
end. we are neglected, felt sorry for, or hated. we are
spectacular at failing to amaze.

we have learned to cheer for ourselves because no one
else will. learned to act like it’s not a problem, that
coffee is your best friend, and you spend nights
studying, just to get lower scores than the rest of them.

tell yourself you’re not tired even when the minute you
start to rest you feel like you’re collapsing. always feel
like crying but you stop yourself; who cares if you’re
exhausted? you still have to finish those papers; you still
have to answer those tests.

what does any of it mean? why am i graded with a C or
a D? are they telling me i will not lead a good life, that i
am doomed already? my story has not started and no, my
fate will not be decided like this. you cannot pass
judgments on my character based on numbers on a paper.

i am more than all these requirements that never end. i
am the work i put into them. so instead of looking down on
me, let us carry ourselves with some dignity. after all, it’s not
a game; it’s not a race. we’re all stuck in the same place. and
the world is tough for everyone, regardless of our “grades.”

Imagine apologizing for all the ways you were never enough.
Knowing you would never be forgiven.
Imagine the torture.
Imagine the curse.

Having a boy love you.
Wondering when he would tell you it was a lie.
Imagine how the sweetness would make you cry.
Imagine never knowing.

What kind of a life is that?

Consider the blood of people trying to touch.
Consider the cruelty of being different.
Consider the confusion.

Consider everything not said.
Paper airplanes that fly through the air for mere seconds.
Consider people’s hopes.

Consider your heart beating inches from mine.
Consider truth. Consider truth.
Consider what could be between two people. Shudder.

Consider the distance.
Consider the barricades, challenges.
Consider the fear.

Imagine mapping a way
through the heart.

if you are the first boy to love me* say, i am sorry you didn’t have anyone there when you were young. that the words you always needed to hear were so long in coming. i don’t believe no one wanted to hold you in their arms before, i bet they loved you but couldn’t show it. like you made their breath catch so they left your hands shaking, afraid to love the girl whose emotions ran deep like a well, whose heart was wide and open, who would come to know them better than themselves; afraid to let you in.

You were a girl they weren’t ready for but I, I will not be the same kind of foolish. I’ve been wanting to give you roses for the day you turned sixteen, but I can’t. Maybe in another life if I will be so blessed, younger we will meet again. For now instead I will plant you a whole garden. Am I a godsend? Was I what He intended for you? I have no idea but, you have been alone for so long it’s all your heart remembers. I know you are used to it, but I want to love you, and I will, for as long as you will let me. More than ‘i love you’, you are my life now, and i will plant new flowers every day, and we will water them together.

Wouldn't you love to see
An eagle on a park bench?

He came down because
he didn't want to be alone;
High up in the skies he was alone.
The eagle wept because
he was afraid to fall.
High up in the clouds with everyone below
there would be no one to catch him.
He knew his wings weren't as strong,
as they said. The only thing holding him
together is resolve. Wings break
the same as hearts,
So he would follow his tears down
as they fell.
To the park bench
on a sunny day.

i am free to be me;
i want to ride a bicycle,
so i will: kick the pedal,
ride out to sea
i will listen to the
sound of the waves
and i will take it with me
in my pocket, pink slips
of seashell, grooved like
the sand i will
lie down in.
i will float in the sea -
no rope tied around
my waist or my neck
or my wrists attached
to an anchor, no
there's nothing to hold me
down; there's nothing
to hold me at all

I am going to write you a poem that rhymes
I'm not sure how I'll get it out of me but I will
I just hope it's not as bad as an oilspill
Or that haircut you got last Christmas
The time you almost punched the glass
And I was laughing

I am going to tell you about how I dream
Of a big brown house, kids going "Mommy, Mommy"
And a border collie, and a handsome man
And you'd be living next door all alone
I'd be laughing

Okay I swear I am going to stop joking

The truth is
a) Your smile is like the candy cane
A kid would **** to ease some ache somewhere
Or like the cake the fat person is eating to
Cheer herself up (on a separate note,
The fat person is me)

b) Your voice is like ocean waves
Pulling, crashing, rushing,
Tripping; beautiful and brave
And your voice is like birdsong and ambulances
Yes, that much of a mess

c) Your company is the floater I'd grab
Before jumping off a boat
Your company is the lifesaver.
I'd get tossed by the waves while the thunder
Roars to state that life is unkind,
You're still keeping me from sinking

And d) you're the prettiest boy I've ever met
And I'd be in love with you except
You make me laugh 'til I'm crying and my vision blurs

So instead I just love you
I hope you love me too

'I think I am fine' — repeat as you grow surer and surer.

1.) That the world will not end.
2.) That you will be laughing, if it does.
3.) That you are indeed fine,

even if you are weeping, even if you are sure the inky black sky is about to fall through; this is not the house you grew up in, here are not your parents, and this time you can take care of yourself. Start with empty lungs in an empty bedroom and shaky breaths. Start with uncertain footsteps. I told you, that is not the earth shaking. Not today. Instead, what if i said it was something new growing inside you?  Something green, something leafy. rearranging your insides, finding space. Let the air in, let it rattle your caged heart like a breeze will tussle with an open window. Pause. This is breathing. Next is laughing. Back to crying... but without the shrieks. Start with quickly getting up and move on to slowly getting better. Start with a splash of water, your toes on the sand on the beach again. Touch your tears that taste like saltwater. I am going to be fine, I know. Tomorrow I will be me again (the me i wanna be). Tomorrow. A day in a string of neverending tomorrows.

blueberry cheesecake

and the bitter

aftertaste of strange

wine


a song in my dreams

i woke up sweating

and hearing your name

gives me terrible goosebumps

and the slightest touch

at my wrist

has me twisting away

i hate

blueberry cheesecake

and i hope the kisses

i gave

you were poison

and if through the breath released in smoke
someone’s poison lips let out words that come
to mess up your breathing, if you
grapple with your feelings, don’t look
at your skin until you can brush
the sting of their gazes away:
it won’t last unless you let it
form thunderclouds above your heart
then it will tear you apart

when you pick up that guitar again, or run
your thumb along the grooves of your pen,
pluck a tune, strum a melody
begin a paragraph with ‘I love myself’
and pour it out until you are whole again
do what you love and never stop,
not for or because of any soul, other than your own

and about the people who have hurt you, if they
are around and you feel down and I am not close by:
lift your chin a little ways, and walk up high -
walk straight, keeping your gaze far away
do not act the winner nor the loser,
just close the window on the rain
when you don’t want a damp blanket.
when the rain stops, I will reopen them
and the starlight will fall upon your sleeping figure
(tired lines, thin bones, tiny heart)
one bright light for every time you’ve ever felt alone

but in the scheme of things, i suppose i'll be fine

you don't have to be happy, you just have to survive.

If loving you was a mistake,
either way—mine to make,
says she, to shape in my hands,
your body. And this pain?
Mine to deal with.
Deserved,

maybe, found guilty,
for trying to trick you
into loving me. Through
the whispers, the touch, she
laughs, inducing only
ecstasy—

What if the burning at the
stake is not the witch's
fate, but her pleasure?
Her final triumph. No end
more fitting. Nowhere
to escape but
in flames.

you make me wish
i weren't this sad,
this empty.

you make me feel
like i could have loved,
i could have laughed,
i could have smiled
like you in the sunshine.

you make me wish
i weren't made
of pastel browns
and muted blues.

so i could
fit into your
technicolor life
with you.

you make me believe
i can step into your world
when you take my hand.

you make me
forget my chains.

but i'm ******* anyway.

i don't need to hear this tale anymore
themed me versus some other girl
and all the ways in which I could be better

take a pill, take a breath, i'm not going to forget

my first crush pointed to a long-haired princess
and said she was beautiful

i cut two paper dolls
held us up to the light
saw she outshined me
a thousand times over

i am not enough
is what middle school
has taught me

when people laugh
it's not always a good thing

my mom should keep telling
my brothers
to be good boys

there aren't enough of them

and everybody's hiding a knife somewhere

there are people who could fill wells
with blood from the wounds they cause
and two more for all the **** tears

i get more biting comments
than plants get oxygen
maybe you don't understand
but I've got self-hate down to an art

and i don't need to hear that tale
anymore
when it's the one i know by heart

a quiet kind of sadness
laying a carpet out
on the floor of your stomach,
getting settled in

when it raps on the walls,
you think,
it's your heartbeat
echoing through your body
the emptiness making it easy

when it yawns,
you feel hella tired
curling the length of you into
a ball, on the floor
never wanting to get up because
you've forgotten you're alive

alive?
it's the sadness I hear
breathing satisfied little breaths
it doesn't want to die

it sits there, calm,
having claimed that spot
at the center of your life,
sapping what's left of its worth,
calm,
while making you think ****
about yourself,
and it doesn't want to die
but you do,
I do

i'm getting ahead of myself and i feel nostalgic about everything already. i swear i was just thirteen yesterday. then i fell in love and i broke my own heart and fell in love again, got caught in the end. all of it just yesterday. some of it just feels like a dream.

and i woke up like this, almost eighteen. with a belly full of worries, a heart tripping on hope, and ribcage heaving with sighs. but still we persist. no matter that i hold my head in my hands or hide behind my hair a lot of the time. no matter that i am becoming afraid to speak. no matter that i think i want to cry all the time. and i don't even try to tell anyone anymore.

but just yesterday i was a kid and i'd never truly known what afraid meant. i never used the words heavy, burden, weight. now they're always on the tip of my tongue when i taste the air and try to gauge how i'm feeling. i open my clenched fists and think, pain.

what did i do? what changed yesterday? i remember at one point i learned to take a blade to my skin. at one point i learned to change my face. i learned to stop eating. i remember making so many promises. that if lord would grant me this, i would be glad. that's it, i would say. i would not ask for more. i would not need anything else. i think maybe i never needed more in the first place.

what have i done? if i could go back, what would it take to save myself? did i ask for the wrong things? had i worded my prayers differently, would i be someone else? what is this story? could i be doomed before i even begin? i don't miss who i was yesterday.  yesterday, she wanted to be who i am today. i don't like who i am today. i don't know if that will change when i wake up tomorrow, or in a few years.

maybe everything will be much the same but i won't know my heart again. i'll be wondering what was on my mind then. and it's just this: i am scared, cold, alone, and sorry for the choices i have made which led us to this place. i think i am weaker now than i have ever been, and it makes me ashamed.

You are a continental force. You are something to be reckoned with. You are a wild thing. You are a dust storm, made of the ashes after all that’s been said and done. You are a valley of regrets that has learned to laugh.  You are what rose from everything that’s fallen. You were not meant to be left alone.

pisces:* what is it about love that always has you in doubt? really, whose feelings are you unsure about? his or yours? and tell me—will it ever be enough?

distance in miles and daylight
is absolutely nothing, tell them that.

some people were never
even meant to speak.
even breathing the same air
every day, she's not there,
at least not to his eyes. it's
distance

distance in hearts and minds
and the important part of fingertips
that is the distance that cannot be bridged
let them know that.

but there are people
living three thousand miles apart
still keeping the other's laughter in their hearts
and every breath is a search and a sigh
and the whisper that says, 'far'
the conviction that says,
with a palm over the left breast,
'here'


even when we touch
he is looking elsewhere
but I've seen his eyes and he is marked with oceans

Maybe love is* I wonder who you were when I didn't know you yet. I want to see how you first came to know the world and the ways the world tried to teach you that it loved you. I want to know if it hurt, and how, and how sweet.

I wonder who you will be when you reach your best, a person I haven't met yet. I wonder how you will love, and how you will hurt, and how you will learn. I want to see your sad smile, your tears, your broken heart; the days that feel strange, I want to be a witness to. I want to cry for you; I want to know you that well. I want your hurt to lie closer to my heart than my own. I want my heart to be jumping out of my chest into your hands. I don't need 'safe'. I need right.

And honestly there's no telling what that means.
I want you to lie beside me, in bed at night. I want each of us to think our own hands cruel, for the possibility that one of us might ever hurt the other. I don't trust my hands, my heart, my lips, my body to ever love you right. But let me tell you at my simplest, that I love you with the most truth a human soul can offer.

That when you are near or when you are far, I love you at the center of my being. That I always need you. That everything that hurts, hurts twice more when you aren't there to lift me from it.

Lift me from my reverie, my dizzy spell. That when your hand isn't in mine, I am always waiting for you. But when we are apart, never mind what is going on in my heart... I smile at the thought of your smile, cherish whatever is making you happy. Maybe it's when you're in line with the groceries, or with the sunlight slanting across your face. You are my every joy, my only, my absolute, my everyday prayer.

having breathed secondhand
smoke all my life, and
having never taken
a liking to veggies,
I can hardly be blamed
for being a bit
dull, a bit of a numbskull.
and having seen
too much greatness in others
having known
too little in myself, I can't help
but cut myself up
trying to be better.

11.09.13; 11:48 PM

The house going to sleep is a matter of sounds fading, tap-dancing one after the other into oblivion. I know it’s just me when gone are the television sounds, the whir of electric fans, fingers tapping on the keyboard when I pass by your room, the air-conditioner hum when I pass by our mother’s, gone are all the reminders of life. The bags under my eyes are unwanted proof. By 12, my nail beds are bleeding and I am blinking at a million open tabs so I don’t think of you. At 1 am, there are gaps in my soul and I can feel the bitterness of a smile that may be mine, or perhaps yours (the one you never gave me), the saltiness of tears that may or may not come out. Last is when at 2 am I think I hear floorboards creaking and there are shadows in the kitchen that cannot be accounted for, my fear is limited where loneliness is not. my soul longs to be gazed upon, for a conversation to be begun, on the topic of truth and the depth of the ocean.

I am selling myself to death because life will not take me.

the moon’s a cradle
for lonely souls. gracious night,
slightly cold. the stars
are hung for all the children
who need to find a way home.

can't say if this silence is better than words that hurt
at least then I knew where I stood with myself
now whenever I speak i'm not sure exactly
what's going to come out of these lips
because it transforms somewhere between my head
and the fact that I can't connect with my heart anymore
I hear sounds but where's my voice
I think I've figured out what it's like to be lost

this silence could pass for serenity but i'm tired of that
you know I always thought I could pass for happy
watch it because lying to yourself is pretty tricky
I swear the ground fell out from under my feet
and when I found myself I was staring into the eyes of a monster
and the monster was me
I've found you can run out of love and you can run out of life
when you're running away from it
you can run out of words when you're using them wrong
you can run out of songs when you never really listened
I've been running from darkness since I found out I'm full of it
It's really quiet
and I'm really lost

if I could go to somewhere,
somewhere no one
knows my name, I would cry out
exclamations about loving you
if I could go to somewhere,
somewhere i'd be
lost like a wildflower in a sea
of wildflowers, I would
close my eyes and
dance. and if i
could go to
somewhere
anywhere at all
that would mean forgetting
that would be freedom
laughing
and a chance at life,

but in this town
surrounded
by these people
I just
want to disappear

I promise the world isn’t as big as you think; there’s a safe place almost everywhere you go. And if you need to drop anchor, I would be the happiest shore. The sea doesn’t need anymore of your tears, but I would be happy to catch them, in the fabric of my cotton shirt, holding you against me. I love you and I want you to be okay. *Please always know that you can come home.

i practice pulling my bones, at the joints,
little bones out of bigger bones
i practice breaking my knuckles
pulling muscles
pitching forward onto dead earth.

i practice getting myself out of scrapes
even if it leaves me a little less whole
as a person. a ****** laughing mess.
i practice hurtling towards the sun,

i throw myself at you. quickly,
you recoil. you sputter. you spit.
we are flames,
burning out.
we are flames.

I. THE FALLING IN LOVE

i should have known

from how the very first thing you told me
was a lie, and your eyes captivated me,
perhaps because i could never read them;
you were a mystery

that it was wrong

for you to say you liked me, so soon
just because i brought you cookies
just because i did; i must have been so good
at falling in love that you thought
you were too

II. THE FALLING APART

i should have known

when you’d say you love me
but i’d find myself alone,
when i’m blue, when i’m in tears,
and you search for words
and come up empty

that it was wrong

except i’d gotten so used to it,
to making excuses, to finding comfort
in what you offered, to convincing myself
it meant more

III. THE HOLDING ON ANYWAY*

i should have known

when i was too afraid to be honest; i knew
the hurt my words would cause; i knew
they could never be taken back, and that
we would both be left hollow

that it was wrong*

if i ever hurt you i would have had to be
broken myself, shattered beyond repair; and
the bullet i would use to shoot you were the
pieces of metal i dug from my own heart
with shaking hands

i should have known
that it was wrong
and i did,

but i thought that if i kept quiet you would
never notice and i would rather live with you like
this, because you disable the ticking time bomb
of my heart and in its place a dull ache,
throbbing instead of beating, and because
if you left, *no one would care if i exploded

i cannot dream big
i dream backwards
and forwards
and dream myself out
of situations, into coffee shops
with strangers

i cannot dream big
if and when things happen,
so they shall
and i want the constants in my life
to be the following:

sunsets
flowers
laughter
and your hand in mine

there's always a reason to be happy
like meeting up with you
in the dead of the night
sparkling eyes
in dreams

i'm trying to be my own hero

whispering "it's okay"

out to the cold night and in

to the chill

that seems to line my veins nowadays
                                                                          

"it's alright"                                                
                                                    

holding in the sighs

shying away from eyes

how many times have i

told myself "you'll be fine"
                                                                          

"it's okay to cry"                                                


but i drench my pillow every

night, and beyond the eighth-

floor window is a world

separate from

here (consider the fall)


"smile"

i do smile,

my own hero,

remember?


(well, only fairytales have

happy endings;

and twisted storylines

are beyond saving)

If you don't want to be friends

anymore, just leave

Hopefully I'll stop

noticing you in the halls

Yes tell me when

you begin to want

to push me away

'cause it's completely okay, I know,

my laugh is annoying, (tell me when

you've began to find

i have bigger flaws than that), and
                                                                                        

Pretty boy, if you don't like me

(anymore)

it's alright

We should be getting on with our lives

you gave yourself up to the video games

and nothing i do can draw you out now

and maybe you flaunt indifference
to mask the loneliness
maybe it’s eating you up-
but you refuse to be within reach

maybe when you’re over it all
you could find the time to smile at me
say hi when you pass by

maybe when i’m beautiful
you’d go and seek me out
and i would find the time to smile at you
and i could introduce you to
some boy, who wrote me a song
some boy you could never draw me away from

nothing's fine
I am physically sick.
add that to how tired I am
of glaring into this laptop screen.
sick.
I've been blowing my
brains out
onto tissue paper
it's amazing how many rolls I've gone through
for someone so dumb.
the rain outside
is bringing mud water all over the news
drilling holes into my skull
the deluge of raindrops,
bullets,
sick.
maybe if I keep screaming,
the pounding,
my mom is ranting,
maybe everything will cancel out.

i'm going to **** myself soon
because of how badly breaking hurts
and how lonely 'broken' feels
but sixty percent because lately

my sadness
is forming echoes in my bones
such that my broken pieces hit other hearts
before reflecting back to cut against me
scratched people are not art
and I don't want to hurt anybody

thank you for listening to my stories
and for never spelling out
that I was not in fact 'okay' even if you knew
i'd been crossing out the days really quickly

it was just what I needed
to have my delusions persuaded
my fears remain seated

because how can people not have breaking
points when water has a boiling point
and we are three-fourths that
I am three-fourths not
good enough

the decision had
long ago been made for me
i had stopped being happy
and it's been some time since I've prayed
because what can you do to fight fate
when they confiscated your weapons
they never returned them

I want to be whole, alone, a poem -
anything but broken,
but I am broken.
I am dying,
I am dead

i.
i don’t want to cry* on my birthday but here we go again, thinking ‘god, it’s a mistake,’ is a mistake. god is a mistake? i’m tired; i come from the far-reaching corners of your heart and in front of you now i have to say, i found i didn’t belong there. the journey has tattered my clothes, and my head hangs low but i’m ready, papa. i’m ready for the next one. journeys that will make me better, better journeys ahead.

ii.
i will be okay; it’s not that hard. i will let my head go under the waves sometimes. i will let my hands fall. i will hold my breath but no one will see the struggle. let me be alone, i will be fine. i want to go deep sea diving with my broken pieces. —i’m lying, i’m not fine. i want to be in danger, i want to be uncertain and laugh.

iii.
tell god i’ve always been wanting to die young. he knows what ive prayed for. pray he knows what he’s doing. don’t want to get into the habit of hurting people but each year the list gets longer and as i grow taller does my heart get smaller to make room for all the stars to grow again. reborn in my lungs in my chest, a supernova. leave me hacking with a cough, heaving. give me the pain i feared when i was small, and when i am broken pour my night sky soul into space.

*give me back the universe.

i only have old poems & watercolors
and it’s not going to be enough
it wasn’t enough when i had new poems
and your face to paint

i gave you blue eyes to see the world out of
and you spared it a glance
said it wasn’t

your shade

i said i had time to spare
but you had already picked up your handbag

i wrote about everything you said
i didn’t have much to go on

i got myself pastels, and pencils,
and everything in between

you can always come back
they’re all named after you

is my blood
the right shade?

life does this thing
in which it leaves you little gifts
like in exchange for the sting
its palms bring
when they hit your face -
first this side, then the other,
as if it could cover up the redness

far from comfort, consolation,
soothing - it exhausts and exasperates
like being stepped on
and ground with the heel, you break
into little pieces
before shattering completely

frustrated sobs leave you gasping for air
you believe there's hope when
there's nothing there
what am I going to do when I'm scared
that every next step
will be the one that falls through,
come crashing and have no one
to help me up or hold my hand

life is like the father,
who will end up leaving you,
how when he threw you in the air
his arms were outstretched,
but you never quite knew,
whether or not he'd actually catch you

softly beating
a soul that refuses to fold
smiles that crumple, smiles
that are too bold

a weak pass, an afternoon
nap, a series of near-collapses

translucent pink curtains

eyelids that don't keep out the light;
eyelids that don't keep in the
dark
night