If you wait just one more day,
If you give me just one more shot,
If you hold off on letting go,
I promise you...

*I'll be worth it.

I waited for you
By the bridge
We used to sneak under
To play with firecrackers
And tell ghost stories
Under the pale light
Of the full moon.

I waited until
June bugs and crickets
Filled the summer breeze
With their chirping buzz buzz buzz.

I waited until
Glow bugs twinkled
In a floating mirror image
To the starlight above.

I waited until
The scarlet hues of dawn
Began to saturate the sky,
And the glowing ball of light
Greeted gently the world below.

And when the sun was fully up,
So was my time to wait.
And though my footsteps dragged
As I meandered
Back through the quiet streets
We grew up racing our skateboards down,
I couldn't help but think

When I look to the sky
Something tells me you're here with me
*And you make everything alright.

I don't get too many phone calls,
But I didn't think much of it
When the vaguely familiar bars
Of an old popular soundtrack
Began gently drawing my attention
To my hardly-used-except-to-Google-things-
Or-play-hours-upon-hours-of-­word-games-
Unless-I'm-on-a-Netflix-binge
Smartphone,
(Which I obviously don't use as a phone,)
Because someone was calling me.
I was flabbergasted in the next heartbeat
And didn't know what to think
Say
Do
Feel
So I just stared at the screen with your name.
Stared at the flashing lights
Until it all went dark.

It took me exactly 21 years
To begin to accept my given name.
It was unique and as a kid I was...not.
I wanted to fit in, to belong, to get along
With all the other kids,
But for years, the name you gave me
Haunted every time someone called out to me.
Things changed the year I was 21.
The weight and gravity of names
Became clear and more understandable to me,
For a name is not merely an appellation
By which others in society
Are able to gain your attention,
No, names are powerful things.
They direct the thoughts and consideration
Of those we interact with
Because our name is often
Their first impression of us.
And I began to consider my name,
It's meaning,
It's origin,
The reason you named me it.
And as the knowledge grew
So did my appreciation
Until I embraced it with eagerness.

But just as I began to realize
That my name influenced how others saw me,
I began to see that what I call others
Influences me.

Your name has gone through a few transformations
In these past few years,
Much like you yourself.

On the flashing screen of my mobile
Where it first read:

mama

mom

mother

Your Given Name

Now it reads

**Do Not Answer. Ever.

On the days when I don't think I'll make it,
When the burden of life refuses to lessen
Its interminable persecution of my soul,
I pull out a rubber band and slip it over my wrist.
A snap for the driver who cut me off.
A snap for the girl who wouldn't stop jabbering
In the movie theater on her ridiculously large mobile phone.
A snap for the man who abandoned his kids.
A snap for the woman who punched them.
A snap. A snap. A snap.
Until my wrist is raw and red.
It should be tended to, but I just ignore it.
Life doesn't care so why should I?
I crawl into bed and shut out the noise
Until all that's left is the emptiness in my head.
Then I sleep.
But when I wake, something is different.
Something small has changed.
And my fingers travel of their own volition
To snap, snap, snap, snap, snap away.
But it's gone.
The band that held my anger in check,
The band that kept my mask in place,
The band that made me feel whole,
The band is gone.
And in it's place is a bandage--
My wound now wrapped and dressed
As it should have been.
I don't know who did it,
But someone was kind to me...
That little change slips over me
Like a new coat,
Makes me hold my head a little higher,
Slips into my soul
Like a good hot meal,
Makes me willing to smile a little easier,
And now I see a small respite
From the interminable persecution.


To those who do not have depression:
Your small acts of unasked for kindness towards us affected by any degree of depression can make a huge difference.

To those who suffer this along with me:
*There is always hope. We just need to learn to lift our heads up and look for it.

When will I see you again?
When are you going to forgive yourself? When will you be whole again?
When are you coming home?
When will you love yourself too?
When are you going to live for you?
When will I see your smile again?
When are you going to let down your walls?
When will we be free?

*How do I answer the girl in the mirror?

I waited beside the sea tonight
For the moon to rise above.
I listened to the waves
As they crashed on the shore,
And pondered the meaning of love
And loss, life and longevity,
And why clown fish live in anemones.

The cold salty water
Breached the shore
Where I sat,
Wiggling my toes in the sand,
And the sudden coolness
Shocked my mind
From the depths of deep consternation
Over the feelings of solitude
Amid the crowds,
And into the sharp reality
That I had chosen to sit alone
With the sea,
As is often my practice and habit.

I pulled out my paper,
Wooden board and fountain pen,
And began to scratch out a letter,
For what Lord Byron once said
Is very much true
Especially for us who are hermits:

*Letter writing is the only device for combining solitude with good company.

Summer turns to fall.
A part of my soul is gone.
I've misplaced my smile.

Dark twilight's embrace
Welcomes the slap of rubber
Worn shoes on pavement.

Nothing makes sense
When heat gives way to coldness,
The heart is missing.

Death's fingers creep
Like lovers' hands over stilled
Blankets. Quick! Slap away!

I was just beginning to reconsider
Your current status in my life.
I've kept you at the edge, the periphery,
For quite a period of time now,
And I was starting to think
Maybe I had made a mistake.
Then you used me again
And it all came crashing back...

The way you'd ask me to dinner
Then show up three hours late. No apology.
The way you'd ask me to do you a favor,
Then never say, "Thank you." Not once.
The way you'd promise I was your family,
Then refused to talk to me. Not ever.

At first I thought it was me:
I wasn't good enough,
I have horrible personality inadequacies,
I'm not worth anyone's love,
And some days, I still think all that's true.
But some days, I realize
It's not just me.

You never thought about how I felt
Sitting alone at the restaurant
Waiting for hours for you to show up
Only to give up and order and eat alone.

You never thought about how I felt
Letting my guard down one more time
Because you felt lonely, needed a friend,
But no one else was around to support you
So you asked me to give you another chance,
And I would knowing that you wouldn't know
How big a risk I was willing to take
To open my heart to you again
Because, well, it was you.

You live your life according to the motto:
Some people were meant to come in
And go out of your life;
They weren't meant to stay.
But I don't think you know how lame
Of an excuse that is for you to just leave
People behind when you've finished using them.

You are not the kind of person
Who supports and loves and cares.
You use and leave and take for granted.

So the next time you call and ask a favor,
I'm going to say, "sorry, wrong number.
There's no one here who can help you."

A sea of voices murmuring
At the ballpark in the afternoon.
Shouts of "Hot dogs! Foot-long hot dogs!"
And chanted hometown cheers
Fill the sweltering summer air.
Men with wooden sticks and leather gloves
Play a nation's beloved pastime.
And I watch enraptured by the rhythm,
Sounds and smells of this place.
Sometimes you just need a slowdown of life,
A weekend dedicated to the melding
Of past, present, and future,
A getaway into the wonderful world of
*BASEBALL.

When you get a chance to apologize,
Don't say:

I'm sorry, but....

Just be the adult you say you are,
Then what you say will be enough:

*I'm sorry.

Today my eyes are sunken;
They feel like they sit deeply in my skull.
My muscles protest much movement,
And my bones aren't much better than jello.
My scalp radiates pain across the back
Of my head, where a loose ponytail acts
As my one semblance of being "put together."
My breathing is shallow and my lungs tight.
My fingers and toes bloated and sausage-like.
To answer a question takes 35.3 seconds longer
Because my brain and my tongue aren't in sync.
I can't think.
I can't focus.
I can't do anything today.
Yet here I am
Faking my way through work,
Pretending my smile is genuine,
Imagining my interest is sincere,
Acting like I've got enough of it together
To be a part of normal society
Instead of locked up in the ****** bin
Where I'd be more at home
With all the other crazies
Raving about this or that or nothing at all,
Because don't you know I'm one thin thread
Away from completely losing my mind...
But I still want to be part of your world:

Up where you walk on your legs
With your head high in the sky,
No vestige of doubt that you belong
In a happy carefree life.

Up where you sing tunes in major chords
With voices loud and proud,
No hesitation of depression stilting
The vibrato of your bravado.

Up where everyone is put together.
Up where everyone is whole.
Up where everyone smiles and means it.

I want to mean it too
One day...

On Monday I took a bus to Chinatown,
Wandered the streets like a tourist.

On Tuesday I sat in the Park all day
Watching squirrels dashing to and fro.

On Wednesday I slept in late
Because well...it was Wednesday.

On Thursday I bought a MUNI pass
And rode from North Beach to Daly City.

On Friday I ran Ocean Beach
Not for the exercise but to chase sea gulls.

On Saturday I meandered the empty halls
Of the old academic institution I attended.

And on Sunday, when I had done all the
Things I used to love doing in this place...

*On Sunday, I laid you to rest.

My phone drops from my hands,
All my body's strength ebbs away.
I have to lie down so I don't fall down
Because my legs can't support my body weight.
And then I'm staring
At the whitewashed walls and ceiling
Of my furniture-filled bedroom
And suddenly the panic sets in.
Everything is too tight, too close, too much.
I need to get out of here.
I need to breathe
But I can't because all I can think about
Is you.
Your words.
Your life.
Your choices.
And as I lay there sweating cold bullets of fear,
I wonder why I'm panicking.
It was just another email.
A general update to no one in particular.
One of the ones you always send out
To everyone because you still think we care.
You didn't say a single word about anyone else.
Four whole pages of you.
And I guess that's why I'm struggling to breathe.
It's like I never existed to you.
It's like you never cared about me.
And suddenly the need to see you
To talk to you
To hold you
To laugh, to cry, to just simply be
With you
Overwhelms me.
Not the you who wrote that email.
Not the you who you think you are now.
The you who doesn't even acknowledge her own offspring.
No, I'm desperate to touch the you
Who I know is locked away in a part
So deeply hidden in your soul
That you've forgotten about her.
The you who still knows a mother's love
For her daughter.
I want to see the unclouded eyes,
Hear the unselfish voice,
Touch the compassionate soul
Of the amazing woman who birthed me.
But I'm so afraid that you've finally done it.
That you've finally killed off
The last vestiges of her soul
With the darkness of your own.
I panic with the truth that faces me:
I'll really never be able to see her again.

"But one day her eyes are opened
To see the truth from a different view."

And that's what you and I need.
That moment of looking at our own lives
From a different point of view.
On the one hand, it's *our life;
We're allowed to get caught up
In the chaos of it,
Be selfish over it,
But at the very same time,
Our lives touch and are touched by
So many others' lives.
The reasons so clear to us
For why we live, act and do things
The way that we do
Aren't so clear to others.
And that person we're endeavoring to be
Isn't always the person others interpret us to be.
That discrepancy is what causes friction
That will endure and break us down,
Unless we open up an honest conversation.
To understand our selves is one thing.
To understand how others see us is another.
But most of us are too timid,
Too scared to learn the other side of us.
So we distance ourselves,
Cutting off those who "just don't get me."
But if we communicated,
If we listened to how others perceive us,
Maybe we have a shot at salvaging
These relationships that make our heart
Beat
Soar
Sing
Full
Whole.
This isn't conforming to be
Something others want us to be.
This is understanding we are not merely
The person we make ourselves to be,
But also the person others see us to be,
And finding the person in between.

My fingers tap out a rhythm
On the steering wheel of my car.
The stereos are blaring country
Tunes of liquor, love, and loss.
As I drive the streets of A-town,
Which I know like the back of my hand,
I wonder why the sky is blue
And why I can't remember you.
I tried my best not to forget
The sound of your voice and tone
But along the way in the last few years
All but your name have drifted away.
Try as I might, I can't recall
The sound or shape of you,
Try as I might, I've lost hold
Of my last ties to you.
Losing you the first time
Was a dagger in my heart,
Losing you, the memory,
Is drowning in the sea.
And this is what I ponder
As I wander through my life.
It's no wonder that they've dubbed me
The melancholy poet who lives in 7b.

I will never understand
How rocket science works,
How caterpillars become butterflies,
How languages evolve linguistically,
How genetics determine everything,
How faith is determined,
How hope is enduring,
How love is prevailing,
How any relationship works,
How I fit into my own life...
Stuff like that.

I will never understand
A lot of things,
But I'll be ******
If I don't make you think
I already do
Understand.

Today I took a walk down memory lane
With some people from my past.
Your name never came up
But your shadow haunted every
Turn in conversation and we did our best
To ignore it.
In fact we did our best to pretend
That your existence was not real,
But then someone mentioned,
"Hey remember that time we...."
And flashbacks of suppressed visions
Of things I had hoped to never see again
Simply because they're not important
To who I am now
Flooded my stream of consciousness
And I chose to think of you.
To think of that time in that place
Where we did that thing....
And the more I think about it
The fuzzier it becomes.
I can't quite picture
The people, the room, the music,
The embarrassment, the shame, the guilt,
The utter ridiculousness of it all.
And the harder I try to grasp at the edges
Of the fraying memory
To bring it back into something whole,
Something vivid and full,
The darker and slipperier it gets.
And suddenly it dawns on me
Why it was easy to forget in the first place:
It just doesn't matter.
Who you were, who I was,
What you did, what I did,
Just doesn't matter
So what's the point in remembering?
Today I took a walk down memory lane
But decided it was far more enjoyable
To make a u-turn and walk
Away from you again.

When I stooped to pick up the scattered
Pieces of the shattered glass
You so angrily threw in the vicinity
Of my head when I was thirteen years old
All I could think about was
How much I loved you and couldn't leave.

When I bent over to still the throbbing
Pain behind my ribs
You so angrily punched vigorously
As I collapsed at the foot of the stairs,
All I could think about was
How much I loved you and couldn't leave.

When I silently accepted the meted out
Punishment of lash after leather lash
For a crime I might've committed
But certainly didn't fit the excess discipline,
All I could think about was
How much I loved you and couldn't leave.

When I watched over your sleeping form
As you dreamt of a life far away
From the accumulated griefs and offenses
Which eventually incited you to go,
All I could think about was
How much I loved you and couldn't leave.

How much I loved you and couldn't leave.

Loved was always past tense.
Leave was always on my mind.

Eventually, neither of us did the loving,
But you did the leaving.

Yet I find myself stuck in this same
Train of Thought:

*How much I loved you and couldn't leave.

Home is where the heart is.

Home is where Taiwanese people
Hock their wares at the top of their lungs
As you're pressed on every side
By the crush of people filling the lanes
Of the night market.

Home is where crazy San Franciscians
Roam the hills in shorts with jackets in hand
In case the fickle Weather changes his mind
Or they wander too far west
Into the land of perpetual fog and mist.

Home is wherever you are.
Or at least that's what home used to be.
But since you've gone away,
My heart is a thousand pieces.

Home needs a whole heart.
And mine isn't anymore.
So every day I'm homesick
For a place that will never be.

Home is now just in my memories.

Unfinished sentences have become my forte.
Unvoiced emotions have become my norm.

When you see penguins or giraffes,
When you taste pancakes or lo mein,
When you hear josh turner on the radio,
When you drive through the eclectic neighborhoods
Of hilly chilly San Francisco,
Will you miss...

I will always love...
Even though I shouldn't...
But maybe one day...
Yeah...
One day this won't hurt so much...

Right?

Woke up this morning to the sound of rain
Wondered where you'd gone.
Woke up this morning to the sound of pain
Ringing in my ears.

You never saw the face
Of this lonely little girl.
All you saw was your tragedy,
Oh the calamity of your life!
What a sacrifice!

How many years do I have to wait
For you to apologize?
How many times does my heart have to break
While waiting here for you?

You never saw my tears
As I cried myself to sleep.
All you saw were your memories,
All the adversities in your life
That you gave me to bear.

How many years do I have to wait
For you to apologize?
How many times does my heart have to break
While waiting here for you?

I never knew what it'd take
For me to hear you say,
"Good job!" and "I'm proud of you!"
And "I love you too!"
Instead you just left me behind.

How many years do I have to wait
For you to apologize?
How many times does my heart have to break
While waiting here for you?

Woke up this morning to the sound of rain,
Knowing you had gone.
Woke up this morning to the sound of pain
Ripping out my heart.

But I'm not gonna wait here anymore
For you to apologize!
I'm gonna pick my heart up and move on
From waiting here for you!

Woke up this morning to the warmth of sun,
Shining down on me.
Woke up this morning to the sense of peace
Spreading through my veins.

Shards
Of paper hearts
Floating away
On winter
Blizzard breezes.

Shards
Of dreamless hopes
Floating away
On glacial
Running rivers.

Shards
Of my life
Slipping through
Trembling
Bleeding hands.

Shards
Becoming
Infinitesimally small
Grains of sand,
Ground up,
Spit out
Until I am nothing.

I used to say
That it didn't really strike me
As unusual or odd in any way
When people would look at me askance
Without a second thought or glance
As too what I was doing with you
Walking around with the sky blue
And the weather hot as a desert
And us bundled like in a blizzard,
But the truth I've always kept hidden
Was that I know what was flippant
For you was actually a great trial to me.

I used to say
That the tremors and shakes
My hand gets when I talk to strangers
On the bus, train, taxi, or airplane
Were just due to the excess caffeine
I had consumed to keep me alert and breathing,
But the fact of the matter I never shared
Was that I was more than a little scared
Of being near, interacting with, relating to
People.

I used to say
I was okay...

I think you get my point
Without me having to spell it out,
Or do I have use the words
I'm not accustomed to?
The words I've refused to say
For going on two decades
Because I determined that nobody cared
Enough to listen to my voice
Unless I was pretending to be great
Like everyone else,
But that's just a masquerade--
One that I'm tired of dancing in now.

I used to say
I was okay.
But the truth is I'm not.
And I need some help.

A slice of pie changed my life.

I had worked so hard
To be a person worthy
Of someone else's love and care,
I had changed myself
To fit the mold of someone
Others could pay attention to.

Isn't that what we all do?
Make ourselves loveable?
Simply because that's the thing
We want most in this world:
To be loved.

But then you didn't know me,
You didn't see all the things
I'd done or the person I'd become.

You were there.
I was there.
And that was enough for pie.

It didn't matter to you
What I could do.
It didn't matter to you
Who I was too.

You loved and you cared
Because you wanted to.

A slice of pie changed my life.

Raise your glass.

This is for the man
Who taught me how to ride a bike
When I was five years old,
Who taught me how to lay a brick
Wall with my own two hands,
Who taught me how to love
My heritage and my roots
While embracing change and newness.

Raise your glass.

This is for the woman
Who carried me for nine months
Whilst giving me my love of steak,
Who read stories of imaginable fantasy
And sang crackling fireside songs
To lull me into slumber,
Who taught me to Love
Even when she herself had forgotten how.

Raise your glass.

This is for the women
Who know me better than anyone else
For they have grown with me
In ways only siblings can,
Who taught me to fight for myself
And simultaneously be merciful
For I am not a perfect person,
Who gave me all the love I need
And then some simply because
They wanted to.

Raise your glass.

This is for who we were.
This is for who we are.
This is for who we will be.

Raise your glass.

Some blood is thinner than water.
Some ties more easily severed.
Yet we live because they existed
If even but for a single moment
And for that,
We give tribute.

Drink.

There are days of restless worrying,
And sleepless nights of fear.

Then are days of numb oblivion
With nights of terror-filled dreams.

Like relentless waves pounding
The weakened beachhead of the shore.
Like bloodied knuckles punching
The shredded remnants of a sandbag.

This, my cycle of the
Inevitable,
Unavoidable,
Inescapable,
Unpreventable

Stirring­ up of the
Indescribable,
Indefinable,
Inexpressible

Anger that resides deep within
My broken soul.

Yet no one knows.

I am a calm, placid lake.

A deep and dark lake
Sitting in the mouth of an active volcano.

I walked up to you,
You said, "How do ya do?"
We chatted a while
'Bout how the weather was mild.
You paused as if you were done,
Then suddenly began to hum.
Your eyes twinkled as you took my hand
And then we began to dance.
It was that afternoon that I knew
What my father once said was true:

Being swept off her feet on an ordinary day
To dance with him in their kitchen,
*Will make any woman fall a little more in love.

If you knew how your actions
Are like dagger blades ******
Into the deepest parts of my soul,
Would it matter to you
To pull them out and tend the wounds
They leave behind?

Or would you turn
*Yet another blind eye?

Someone asked me the other day
If I knew you.
A million replies shot through my head,
But the one that came out of my mouth
Was, "No, not anymore."
At first I thought this was a straight up lie,
But as I started to turn away
And move on to something else,
I realized it wasn't.

I don't know you anymore.
I can't remember what your face looks like.
That might have something to do with
The fact that I try to avoid
All photos of you.
Actually, I avoid anything
That might send a memory of you
Flashing across my eyelids.
I'm wary of sleeping again
Because I don't want to dream of you.
I've stopped listening to country music
Because the emotions it evokes from me
Remind me of the times I was with you.
I've stopped playing my guitar and violin
Because I was happiest
Playing them for you.
I've stopped living because without you,
It's just not good enough.
You told me that you'd never leave,
That no matter what our relationship
Eventually looked like
You'd always be my family.
But you did leave,
And I don't have a family.
I've been wallowing in
That for months now.
Bemoaning my loss.
Not exactly grieving,
For to grieve involves
Facing certain things and
Deciding to let them go and move on.
No,
I have been wallowing in a hole of self-pity.
And it's rather disgusting.
Covered with the mud and
**** that is my life.
No wonder people don't want
Long-term relationships with me.
I'm broken and not worth their time
Or energy or life.

I've got to face the music now.
I've got to decide to stand up,
Wash myself off, and leave
This somewhat
Comfortable-only-because-it's-familiar hole.
And I think that I've somewhat
Begun to do that.
I mean, how else could I have said
"No, not anymore"
And meant it.
It's a good thing
I don't know you anymore.
You were part of my past.
But you were also someone
Who kept me in that hole.
And even though
A part of my heart loved you,
I don't want that hole to be my life.

So I'm standing up for myself now.
I'm washing myself off.
And this time, I'm doing the walking away.
From now on, when someone asks me
if I know you,
I think I'll continue to reply,

*"No, not anymore."

My fingertips pause
Over worn out keys
On a board that's seen
Better days, but that was years ago
When the muses were fresh,
The utterance adequate,
The language clear and precise,
The sonnets and haikus flowing
Easily from thought to tongue to finger to page.
Things have changed greatly since then.

My fingertips pause
Over worn out keys
Because some things
Are too hard to voice.
Some pains go so deep in my soul
That not even I know they exist.
Some memories so old
Of a childhood first snow
Or teenage habitual mistake
Or adolescent innocent fantasy
Have faded to a sepia-tone
Not able to be conveyed on paper.
Some experiences too personal
That sharing would ruin them forever
Because no one else could fully appreciate
What it means
To me
In my life,
Both past and future.

So silence descends
As my fingertips pause
Over worn out keys
On a board that's seen
Better days.

For how do I type out a poem
When keys have gone missing,
Like some of the pieces of my soul?

Everyone says
"Oh, don't worry! It's just a phase."
Or even worse,
"You'll grow out of it soon."
And so you begin to think
That the quirks and smirks
You see in the mirror
When you've wiped the shower fog clear
Are somehow wrong and undesirable
To the masses of others outside your door
Even if what you see makes you happy.
And so you try to hide
Behind conformity and masks
Of aloofness,
Of apathy,
Of indifference,
Of nonchalance,
Until you yourself begin to believe
You've passed the phase!
You've grown out of it!
You're finally someone whom the world
Can pour its love and adoration on!
And so you wait for that sparkling moment,
When you go from ugly duckling
To ravishing debonair desirable swan,
Yet the days turn into weeks into months,
And finally years have passed away
But nothing happened.
And you find yourself wiping away
The shower fog with a tired hand
Only to see the quirks and smirks
That used to make you happy
Are gone and for what gain to you?
Where are the masses of adoring friends?
Where are the praises of who you've become?
You're all alone like you've always been.

But I ask you,
Is this really who you want to be?

Where's the girl who recites Chaucer?
And rolls down grassy hills?
Where is she whose snarky comments
Could hours of hilarity fill?
Where's the girl who laid bricks
Side by side with her father?
And imagined up the neighborhood
Olympics with his other two daughters?

So I'll ask you again,
Face in my mirror,
Are you happy?
*Is this who we're going to be?

I pulled an all-nighter.
For an insomniac
That doesn't seem like
Such a great thing,
But there's a difference.
Staying up all night
Because I can't fall asleep
Is immensely different
From staying up
Because I'm trying not to sleep.
And you know that as an insomniac
I love sleep
Because it's so fleeting
Like whispers of wind
Slipping through my fingers--
Practically impossible to grasp!
And despite this...

I pulled an all-nighter
*Because I was waiting for you.

Tell me, what have you learned?

Where do I begin?
I have learned that
The human experience
Is common to all mankind
And yet each man's life is unique.

I have learned that
Discrimination is unavoidable
For how can you ask a person
To not have their opinion or thought,
But that what man does with that opinion
Is more important than him having it.

I have learned that
Not everyone who is in the position
To teach you, to nurture you, to mould you
Has your best intentions in their hearts.

I have learned that
Love is always conditional
Even when we say it's not
And insist there are no strings attached
Because if love were truly unconditional
Then there would be
No war, no abuse, no struggling, no fights.

I have learned that
I am not the person reflected
In the iris of another's eyes
But rather I am still learning who I am.

I have learned
Many things which words cannot
Begin to describe or articulate
So I just have to end with:

Tell me, what have you learned?

Most days I'm ok.
I get up in the morning
Happy to go to work.
I eat my lunch under the pine trees
With a little lizard I've named Bob.
I get home at night and throw on
Smooth bluegrass while I make dinner.
I've got my routine and hardly vary.
But on the days that stray
From my habitual cadence
I also find my thoughts wander to you.
And even though you've been gone
For some time now, and we've both moved on,
I can't deny the existence
Of that small hole in my heart
You left behind.
And I wonder,

*Do you have one too?

Dust-covered two-lane highways
Catch the footfalls of my meanderings.
Meadowlarks and Phoebe-birds
Sing backup to my tuneless whistles.
Clouds illuminated by God-rays
Paint the sky above my head
And the Man in the Moon
Smiles as I bed neath a willow for the night.

I am a wanderer, a vagabond, a ***.
The iron wrought train tracks
I secretly ride pass through the fields,
The forests, the mountains and valleys,
The cities and suburbs, the small towns too,
Home to so many who choose there to dwell.
But my home is the open countryside,
The fields of wildflowers and bushes,
The occasional oak or poplar for shelter,
With a stone for my pillow
Anywhere I wish to rest.

I am a wanderer, a vagabond, a ***.
I am the outsider.

I still remember the feeling
Of how heavy my arms weighed
As I curled up to the risers of the stairs
I couldn't pick myself up from
After collapsing from the news.
I remember eyes staring at me,
Unsure of how to respond
To the usually stoic and strong me
Bawling uncontrollably
And heaving sobs wracking my body.
I remember cautious hands
Lifting my shoulders
And dragging me to bed
Where I stayed for three straight days.
I remember haziness setting in
And the following days and weeks
All blending into one.

I remember all that
But I don't remember your face.
Funny, isn't it?
What gets seared into our brains,
And what we lose because for so long
We took its presence for granted
Until it was too late
To remember.

One day when you lose the very person who makes your heart want to beat every moment for the rest of time and you no longer have the strength to find meaning in the simple joys of the daily mundane human life because there is no one to share it with anymore....

Then you'll know
What watching you
Walk out of my life felt like.

Then you'll understand
Me.

If I could
I would pack up my life
And drive across the Continent
To settle someplace new
And colder because I hate heat.

If I could
I would write poetry all day
And watch movies all night
Until I'm ready
To brave the world again.

If I could
I would join a dance class
And learn the basic
Foxtrot, waltz, and cha cha
Until I could twirl around
A ballroom
From sunrise to sunset.

If I could
I would "catch them all!"
And find the joy
In all the missed days
Of my childhood.

If I could
I would give back
All the years I took
From you.
The advice you gave
Both willingly and not.
The love we shared
Both unconditional and not.
The future I prevented
You from achieving or not.
And I'd give back
Whatever else you want.

If I could
I would...

At 10:32 at night
There isn't much I can do,
Except say to you
Goodnight.

Or maybe even,
Goodbye.

Surrounded by people
Who've known me all my life
And yet not labeled "my family",
I can't help but feel alone.
Though we laugh and cavort
In companionable glee
The fact that they don't know
The unmasked me
Saddens my hermit-yet-lonely heart.
I can sit alone in a full room
And feel the same as if it were empty
For the level of empathy,
Understanding, and knowing
Never changes, never grows.
It stays at zero zero point zero.
Like the monotone screech
Of a lifeless heart on the monitor
Never fluctuating up or down,
I sit here unknown, unconnected,
Alone.

I'm taking it kinda hard--
Not having you around any more.
Sometimes my heart stops
And I have to remind myself
That living isn't just a thing I have to do
But something I want
Even more than getting you back.

So to that end,
I gave all your favorite records
To the local vinyl shop
And donated your sweaters
To the thrift store down the street
And sold your bike for twenty bucks
To the neighborhood paper boy
And finally bought myself
A new set of dishes (after breaking
All of yours).

I think I'm finally ready to say
Regardless of what you think of me,
My life is my choice.
Like the poetry I write just for me,
I'll live each day in just the same way:
For me.

I.  
A word that defines
Only one thing
And yet covers a universe.

I
Is me,
And yet is you.

I
Is strong, stubborn, iron-willed
And yet supple, compliant, meek.

I
Is fair beauty
And yet homely.

I
Is man
And yet woman.

I
Is small
And yet...not.

I
Is me
With you.

What words are there
That can adequately describe
The reasons why I hide
Behind
A mask of congeniality
And blissful frivolity
With just a dash of innocent naivety
Due to my blatant apathy
Towards
Everything?

I'm a turtle withdrawn in my shell.
And I like it here!

There.
I think those words are adequately perfect!

Sitting alone under a darkened sky
Oft leads to meandering thoughts
Of things both blithely blissful
And bitterly biting.

Like the time we held hands
On a road trip across the country
That ended in sour silence
And restrained rhetorical retorts.

Like the time we warmly watched
The sun set over an orange ocean,
Only to go home feeling colder
Than the biting breeze that rose with dusk.

Like the time I said "I love you"
To your goofy grinning face
And in the same breath, "Goodbye"
To your vanishing visage.

Two sides of the same coin--
That's just life.
I guess this is why it's called
Bittersweet.

You never compromised.

Why should I?

You never gave up your dreams.

Why should I?

You never sacrificed.

Why should I?

You never...

Why would I?

**Because I love...