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25.1k · Apr 2013
Parallel Insanity
Q Apr 2013
I wake as your  friend                                     You wake as my lover
I speak as your lover                                       You speak as my friend
I act as your possession                                   You are my possesion
I rebel as your cover                                        A means to an end
I hurt for your compassion                             You live for my acceptance
I injure for your respect                                  Though it's never been withheld
I confide for your emotion                              You crave my direction
I give and you collect                                      Never will you rebel

This is madness                                               This is Sparta
This is insanity                                                This is the price of exellence
I can't be everything for you                          I am your everything
You can't be everything for me                     I am magnificence
You treat everyone the same                         I am fair and righteous
As a friend, yet as a lover                              And yet you seek more
And it's a cruel, cruel game                          Dare you grow capricious
From your twisted love, no one recovers     You'll become one I abhor

I am done                                                       You are confused
(I am never done)                                          And I will not calm you
I am sick                                                        As I am amused
(But I'm not tired)                                         As I drop little clues  
I will run                                                        You'l­l never leave me
(I won't run)                                                  But I'll abandon you
Because I love you                                        You'll always need me
(A better word is 'desire')                             And I'll never need you

Let me go!                                                    My grip is vice-like
(But you're not holding me)                       I'm not ready to let you go
Bring me back!                                            If I lose you, 'my dear'
(But I never left)                                          I must find yet another 'beau'
Love me only!                                             And I've not the time to put effort
(But you love equally)                               In little minions like you
Push me away!                                          I've not a care to give for
(Or bridge this rift)                                    You insects I never knew

Please, disappear                                       I am your torture
One day you'll understand                      But I am your salvation
That the twisted way you love                 I am your executioner
Could coax death from any human        And I am your redemption
Please, disappear!                                     You'll wish me dead forever
Though I'll weep when you're gone        You'll wish me dead I know
I know sanity will return                          And you'll wish yourself deader
And I'll eventually move on.                    *When away I finally go.
19.4k · Dec 2013
Green: Jealousy as Red: Rage
Q Dec 2013
Green is to jealousy as Red is to rage
Lock these feelings in a cage
I'll rend and tear and rip you apart
My rage is sweet and my envy's ****

Green is to jealousy as Red is to rage
I'll **** you horribly in my craze
I'll drink your bones and chew your blood
My rage is voracious but my envy's good

Green is to jealousy as Red is to rage
I'll sprinkle my hatred with a bit of sage
I'll spice up my envy to be bitter hot
My rage is content but the envy's not

Green is to jealousy as Red is to rage
This isn't just a passing phase
I'm off in the deep end, I've lost my mind
My jealous rage is one of a kind.
15.6k · Jul 2014
Something Bored This Way Comes
Q Jul 2014
Bored.
Of people,
Of things.
Bored.
Of commitment,
Of flings.
Bored.
Of goings,
Of comings.

Bored.
Of smiles,
Of laughter.
Bored
Of crying,
Of sadness.
Bored.
Of anger,
Of madness.

Bored of everything because
Nothing that exists is just
Quite interesting enough,
Not on the ground or up above,
To secure attention in it's clutch
For longer than a portion of
A second.
12.0k · Apr 2014
Liar, Liar
Q Apr 2014
Don't trust a word I say
I'm a liar, I swear
I lie in public, I lie at home
I lie so well it can't be fair
So don't trust me at all
I even lie to myself
I'll cross my heart (hope to die)
But my fingers are crossed as well.
10.4k · Apr 2013
Happy
Q Apr 2013
Your legs are shaking
And yet you stand
And when you fall
You try again
I can't help
This smile on my face
As your small mouth opens
Says my name
"Mommy." You say
The name you've given me
And a small tear falls
I am so happy.
7.7k · May 2014
Runaway
Q May 2014
Nothing made as much sense
As wind beneath my wings
As I ran from trials and tribulations
And felt so beautifully free.

Nothing made sense
As much as tears on my cheeks
As I wrote one last letter
To set me finally free.

Nothing made as much sense
As a lung clean of smoke
As I gathered my belongings
And left a place I called home.

Nothing made sense
Until I decided not to stay
Accepting my cowardly title
I'm little more than a runaway.
7.7k · Apr 2014
Homecoming
Q Apr 2014
I am building
Building a home
Return here after
After you've roamed
And back into
Into my arms.

I am building
Building a life
A getaway from
From your strife
To make what's
What's wrong right

I am building
Building a family
A place for you
You and me
Where we may live
Life life freely.
6.8k · Dec 2017
My Last Poem
Q Dec 2017
So this journey has come to an end
Whether you don’t know me at all
Or think of me as your best friend
This is my goodbye, my final call.

Thank you for the adventure; thank you for your time. I have nothing left to give, no words left to rhyme. This is my last, I’ll leave with a whisper. This is all I have, what I began writing for.

Should you ever neeed a shoulder, please find me. No matter where I go in life, where you need me is where I’ll be. Hold me tightly in your thoughts and I will hold you in my heart.

Merry meet, dear rhymers, and merry part.
This is the last of my poetry. Thank you for sticking it out with me for the past four years. I've decided to focus on other goals I have since my life is essentially falling apart. Poetry was an outlet for me, but it more feels like another way to indulge my burgeoning escapism.

So, I've decided to take away the place I escape to so I can relearn how to face problems head on. I've got a lot of self-adjustments to make in the near future and this is just one of them.

Of course, if I am contacted on HP, I'll come flying back to respond because it's been home for years, but I will (most likely, hopefully, probably) no longer post here.

Again: Thank you for the fond memories,
Q.
6.6k · Jul 2013
Society Is
Q Jul 2013
Society is a clay mold
Taking every newborn into its fold
Kissing each brow with insecurity, shame
Releasing it's victims, carbon-copies, all the same

Society is a line graph's *****
Plotting point ever upwards in hope
Shunning those who are different, who fight
Loving only those who are "normal", all outliers denied

Society is a disease, nipping at the soul
Filing and wearing down on the young and old
Breaking every innocent into a pessimistic, jaded mess
Rending, tearing, stomping, destroying whatever is left
5.6k · Apr 2014
Stress (10w)
Q Apr 2014
My head
        Shoulders

         Knees
           And
         Toes
Old, fragile, brittle bones.
5.3k · Jan 2014
Far From Vanilla
Q Jan 2014
I had a collar once
Of black leather and sky blue fur
And it fit me snugly
It was all I could ask for.

When my thoughts rampaged
As they do very second of everyday
I'd wrap it round my neck
And the noise would fade.

They called me a freak.
They looked at me in disgust, I was shamed
Because they don't understand
The need to be tamed.

Whether round my neck
Or around my wrists and ankles
Without a tether, I fret
Thus, for that collar, I am thankful.

I once felt guilt
Worse than any other pain
It weighed me down
As though it waterlogged my brain.

And all I wished
Was to atone
For a whip
To sing to my bones.

"Why invite pain?
God, she's disgusting?
She's ******* insane!"

The words said to me.

But how could they know
How much I wanted to cry?
How much I wanted discipline
To ease the guilt in my mind?

I once heard a scream
And it scampered down my spine
Like it was a living, sentient being
Infiltrating my mind.

And I'm sure I'd be a pariah
If I ever told anyone
I wanted to cause that scream
To make it sound like painful salvation.

I once cried
I hurt myself as comfort
And the feeling of that pain
Was so very sweet and so very short

And they'd call me a fool
Yet I still crave pain
And they'd think of me badly
For what I can't contain.

See, I'm far from vanilla
I'm far from innocence
Because all life gave me
Was cold and cimmerian.

There's a word for what I do
A lovely acronym
And it's so far from vanilla
Most describe it as a sin.
5.0k · Apr 2014
Craving
Q Apr 2014
I don't want to play a game
The game
I don't want to play it with you.
I want to devour like I'm starved
And miss you when I'm through.

I gravitate to your presence
(Get it?)
I want to **** the storm in me, blazing.
I want to see if your worth killing or saving.
I want to sate this insatiable craving.
So this is how I write when I have a crush. .__. Whoops.
4.5k · Jul 2017
Breakup Sex
Q Jul 2017
*** and cigarettes and bad decisions stained into bedsheets
A good idea gone rogue in a moment by the chase and retreat
Words bitten off before they emerge and a sudden sense of regret
The ins and outs and turns and twists confined to breakup ***.

What feels good can't hurt you until its not good anymore
Reality doesn't touch the bedroom until someone opens the door
Grasping to skin like it's what we had and reluctantly letting go
The push and pull of dumb ideas and a lack of self control.

An awkward smile all the while thinking that this was a mistake
A peck of a kiss, barely a touch of the lips, and sanity far too late
Stains on the skin that the shower can't wash, they've soaked down to bone
The knowledge that gasps and quiet laughs doesn't mean we aren't gone.

*** and cigarettes and bad decisions stained into bedsheets
A good idea gone rogue in a moment by the chase and retreat
Words bitten off before they emerge and a sudden sense of regret
The ins and outs and turns and twist confined to breakup ***.
4.4k · Jun 2014
Anticipation
Q Jun 2014
I will see him tomorrow
And we will restore the status quo
Because I can't sort through the mess in my head
Can't find a topic that won't let the worry show.

I will see him tomorrow
And this heartbroken poetry will cease
Because I'm better at controlling what I want
When it's physically in my reach.

I will see him tomorrow
And I'll see her image hazily beside him
And I'll put down my metaphorical sword
Because it's not a fight I can win.

I will see him tomorrow
And my heart will see them both together
But I won't say a single undue word
Won't even ask if he's doing better.

I will see him tomorrow
Like nothing ever went wrong
And I will wrap my arms around him
And remember his favorite songs.

I will see him tomorrow
But I will not break down and cry
Because, beyond the hurt, I understand
The ever-present want to die.

I will see him tomorrow
And, my previous poems be ******,
I'll keep my mouth, heart, and mind shut
As I cope the only way I can.

I will see him tomorrow
And reach out for another
Because I never had and I never will have
The right to claim or tether.

I will see him tomorrow
And I won't speak of Summer or Fall
I'll remain detached though I am not
Though I'm not calm or collected at all.

I will see him tomorrow
And she will not be there in person
And I will not yearn or reach for either
If only because I love them.
I honestly don't know what I'm doing with myself
I don't truly believe that they could help.

They make up the entirety of the other's world
There's no room, no space, for this bitter girl.
4.1k · Apr 2014
Life Is Cliche
Q Apr 2014
"I know it's cliche, but-"
You may stop right there
As, yes, cliches exist
And nobody cares
But life is cliche
We're all just living jokes
With stories told and lived
Since millennias ago.

Be as cliche as you wish,
You can't change what's done
And the way you express it
Or the need to tell someone
Wear your cliche with pride
Because, years before you, another did not
And it tore them inside
And now, in the earth, their body rots.

"I'm in so much pain, but none of it's physical
And god, that's so ******* cliche,"
But it's the only description you know
Your played out storyline's seen better days.
Because it's such a played out, worn out cliche
But it's unique because you hurt in your own way
And lord knows we're all dealing with the same thing
Living a cliche and fighting for something to change.

You smile, you laugh; you hurt, you cry
And I promise you another in the past
Laughed and cried at the exact same time
Right up until the day they died.
Because you may be something special
But don't ever think you're something new
You're life's been lived, been replayed
By hundreds, maybe thousands, before you.
So, yes, it's going to be a cliche.
3.9k · Dec 2013
Polyamorous
Q Dec 2013
"Greedy girl," they whisper
For two was not enough.
I am not whole, with one more soul
I need two to give my trust.

Lovely trio of mine
I couldn't wish for more
Yet they call me a freak, "Love's for two, not three!"
They mutter that I'm a *****.

I'm not jealous or undecided
I'm not cheating and it's not abuse
Just because you've never doesn't mean three isn't better
For one who is not confused.

"Perhaps this is a phase,"
"No-one in their right mind would wish
For three or for four, how about two, who needs more?"
They all think just like this.

But I am polyamorous
My partners are in the plural
And we love equally, it doesn't matter that we're three
Our relationship breaks no ethic or moral.

So judge as you will
Judge as you please
I am proud of my *** and sexualities
And it's polyamory for me.
3.7k · Aug 2013
Sorry
Q Aug 2013
Sorry Mommy, I'm not the better daughter
I'm sorry, Daddy, I wasn't what you wanted
I'm sorry I'm not good enough yet
I'm sorry I for everything I never said
I'm sorry I'm a overweight, I'll fix it I swear
I'm sorry I'm cutting, but I need it to keep me sane
I'm sorry I smoke, but it's my replacement for air
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm crying
I'm sorry
There's no point to this
I've already ruined everything
I'm so, so, so sorry
Sorry.
Sorry.
I know it doesn't help.
Sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I can't make up for what I've done.
But I am sorry.
I'm sorry I was born
I know you didn't expect me
I'm sorry I wasn't born a boy
I'm sorry I acted to much like you
I'm sorry I made you hate me
I'm sorry I'm annoying
I'm sorry I'm not perfect
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for everything.
Whatever you don't like about me
I'm sorry it's there
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I cry so much
I'm sorry I'm not pretty
I'm sorry I left
I'm sorry
Sorry.


I'm so sorry
I don't know what else to apologize for
I'm sorry you have to spend money on me
I'm sorry I don't know what to be sorry for
I'm sorry I said I hated you
I'm sorry
I'm so sorry
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I'm not useful yet
I'm sorry I don't make all A's
I'm sorry I don't get math
I'm sorry I don't like science
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry you don't love me.
I'm sorry I want you to.
I'm sorry
I'm so very sorry
I'm sorry I don't call you Mommy anymore
I'm sorry I don't call you Daddy anymore
I'm sorry
I'm sorry you have to be my parents
I'm sorry I'm not good enough
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I know it's not enough

Sorry.
3.5k · Mar 2014
A Female With Sex In Mind
Q Mar 2014
I am a female
I am a ****** being
The two are, surprisingly
Not mutually exclusive.

A *****, a ****, a *****
As the society might describe it
Are words with the meaning
To keep women submissive.

I may ****  who I please
When I please
For whatever reason I so choose.
And it doesn't have a **** thing to do with you.

Heaven forbid I'm not viginistic
When my ring finger is bound
Because viginity is a 'gift'
I mustn't pass it round.

I must walk like a lady
And only **** who I love
But the boys can run freely
Kiss and tell and call me a ****.

He's been with eleven girls
And has a girlfriend on the side
I've been with two boys
And not at the same time.

A pat on the back for him
Because he's got all the *******
But social exclusion for me
Because my ****** nature is vicious.

God, I must be a *******
For actually speaking of ***
I'm a woman, we can't do that
But, ****, sometimes I forget.

See, I was raised to hold my head high
Without looking up.
I was raised to be ladylike, polite
And wait until I found love.

I was brought up to hold my tongue
I was trained not to take up space
I was taught not to roughhouse about
Or follow the boys' ways.

I was brought up to fear ***
Until I found love or was married
But what the **** is love or a ring
When I can't even get equality?

I was taught that I should be ashamed
If I thought sexually
And I shouldn't even consider trying
*******.

I was told to hide my body
Because women are to be pure
If I wasn't pristine, who would want me?
I'd be a lonely spinster.

My body is my own
To do with what I please.
So **** your expectations, Society;

*I will have equality
I am rather ******.
3.4k · Jan 2014
Break to Binge
Q Jan 2014
Four days of hunger
Four days so sweet
My stomach is angry
It's so mad at me
And the pain is lovely
It's sweet agony

And then I ate
I filled my tummy up
I binged until it hurt
More food; not enough
I don't want to weigh myself
I broke my own trust

I broke to binge
And I couldn't throw it up
It felt so good
But the guilt is too much
I feel so fat
But when I eat I feel love.

I'm breaking to binge
Eat anything in sight
Ninety-six hours
Ruined in one night
This lack of self-control
Is ruining my life.

Hunger hurts
But I want it so bad
Hunger hurts
But I miss what I had
I miss the hunger pains
Cause binging makes me sad

So I'm working to purge
I'm working on control
This dapper little dirge
Is a reflection of my soul
No one ******* cares
So no one needs to know.

No one ever stops me
So I'm not going to eat
Because the me in the mirror
Isn't the me I want to see.
If there was someone there
Maybe I'd be free.

Back to the cutting board
My goal was one-thirty
Back to the cutting board
Now one-twenty
Self-control
I like the sound of eighty.

I broke to binge
The ugliest sin
I broke for food
And now I brood
But I'm better again
*I must be thin
3.4k · Apr 2013
Explosions
Q Apr 2013
Legs, arms, feet
Not quite in one piece
No on can believe what they see
Flying legs, and arms, and feet.

Who dun' it? Who dun' it?
Why'd they do it to them?
Someone confess it, admit it!
And we'll get revenge!

BOOM BOOM
They'll hear it in their dreams
The booming of explosions
Tearing them apart at the seams.

Legs, arms, feet
Not quite in one piece
No on can believe what they see
Flying legs, and arms, and feet.
3.3k · May 2014
Birthday
Q May 2014
I'm all sad poems and broken songs
It figures it's my birthday
I'm panic attacks and sleepless nights
And all the words I won't say.

Things should be normal, shouldn't they?
Things should be okay; it's my birthday.

Seventeen isn't going the way it should
Can I have another try?
Seventeen isn't right, right now
Somebody hit rewind.

Things should be fine today
Things should be right; it's my birthday.

Nothing revolves around my birth
I know that, I swear I do
But all I asked was to be happy
When the day was through.

Things aren't right, are they?
Even though it's my birthday.

Seventeen began with listless apathy
Seventeen began with broken promises
Seventeen began with fake smiles and laughs
Seventeen began with hurt friends.

Seventeen may go away
I don't want it here.
Seventeen isn't what I like
I'll try again next year.

Until then I'll be wondering
How seventeen began so wrong
It's my birthday, today
I'm all sad poems and broken songs.
3.0k · May 2014
What It Is To Yearn
Q May 2014
There is a pressure just behind my ribs
That crushes me, yet I cannot shake it
Unmovable. Untouchable. Incurable.
On my lungs and heart, the weight of it sits.

What does this pressure pull me to?
Why does it threaten me with death?
Unknown. Uncharted. Insatiable.
It will not move until I've taken my last breath.

This is what it is to yearn
What it is to grasp with the soul.
This is what it is to burn
To ignite as desperation takes hold.

I crave this thing I don't know
It pulls at me day and night
Like an addiction, I need it frequently
Lest the anxiety, the panic, should strike.

But it is not a thing, it is a person, in plural
So very far outside my league, urban versus rural
This is not even remotely healthy, but I can't turn
From day to night, from sun to moon, I yearn.
3.0k · Apr 2014
Burn Her At The Stake
Q Apr 2014
Burn her at the stake
She speaks up for herself
Throw her off a cliff
She'll fall through the ground, to hell

Burn her, she's too outspoken
She questions society
Burn this ****** witch
Lest others follow her lead.

Burn her, burn her, burn her!
From blood, to bone, to ash
Burn her, burn her, burn her!
Rebellious piece of trash
Burn her, burn her, burn her!
Not even her teeth will remain
Burn her, burn her, burn her!
Until normalcy is regained

Burn her at the stake
Because she won't submit
Burn her at the stake
Until she lives how we like it

Burn her at the stake
Shun her until her day to die
Burn her at the stake
We want to hear her fry

Burn her, burn her, burn her!
From blood, to bone, to ash
Burn her, burn her, burn her!
Rebellious piece of trash
Burn her, burn her, burn her!
Not even her teeth will remain
Burn her, burn her, burn her!
Until normalcy is regained

And should any choose to walk her way
Well see to it they perish
We live out lives in constant fear
That they'll come to their senses

And should any choose to walk her way
We'll see to it they perish
We live our lives in constant fear
That they'll come to their senses


Burn her, burn her, burn her!
From blood, to bone, to ash
Burn her, burn her, burn her!
Rebellious piece of trash
Burn her, burn her, burn her!
Not even her teeth will remain
Burn her, burn her, burn her!
Until normalcy is regained
So I'm imagining this as a loud chant and it looks freaking awesome in my mind.
3.0k · Feb 2014
Muse Is Not Affection
Q Feb 2014
Half past nine
And the night feels so young
Despite eyelids too heavy to open

Inspiration
On the tip of the tongue
And tapping fingers on keys.

Thoughts prevail wrapped in affection
And the door to originality is awry
Affection and Muse mix seamlessly.

Confusion in delusions
What could and should scrape by
The heart and the pen are insoluble.

Panic within existentialism
No words come to mind
Affection is not Muse.

Separation of heart and hand
Leave old alliances behind
For Muse or for Affection?
I was told never to confuse muse for affection. It is a rather troubling thing to do.
Q Apr 2013
I'll cut out my bad habits
It's time to be classy
Sit straight
Be polite
No anger

Be classy

Small smiles
Small laughs
Genuine
Dressed to the nines
At all times

Be classy

Heels
Scarves
Sunglasses
And gloves
Unique and stylish

Be classy

A right socialite
A Queen who plays the part
A Goddess of a lady
Love, Class is an art.
Welcome to The Classy Lady Series. The next installment is "The Classy Lady Series: The Walk".
2.7k · May 2013
"Faggot"
Q May 2013
A lesser human being
Something to be hated
An abomination
Repulsive
Me.

They make it seem like
Somehow it's worse
That I'm black
As well as
Gay.

I'm not a ******, that word
Doesn't describe who I am,
I just want to love
Who I
Want.

Would it help if I told you that I probably
Will be single anyway because
I'm not attractive and  I'm
Direly afraid of
Love?

Being pansexual isn't the definition
Of the word "******" at all
Because pansexuality does
Not mean a pile of
Sticks.

So, you see, I am not a "******"
The word shouldn't even exist
As an insult; however, it can't
Really be reclaimed
Anymore.
Q Mar 2014
Am I not your cup of tea?
Did I add a teaspoon too much insanity?
Does your mouth twist at the taste of me?
Am I not your cup of tea?

Or do I fit you perfectly?
When you see the crazy,
Do you drink deeply?
Am I your perfect cup of tea?

Am I far too bitter?
Can you even taste the sweet?
Did I add too much hurt,
To be your perfect cup of tea?

Or maybe you take your tea black.
Maybe I'm just right.
Maybe you sip and savor
Maybe I'm just the right kind.

Am I not your cup of tea?
Did I steep too much of me?
Were the additives too sweet
To be your perfect cup of tea?
2.6k · Sep 2014
Exhaust Fumes
Q Sep 2014
Skipped school because I couldn't imagine
Couldn't fathom moving my body outside of the house.
And curled up on my bed
On the couch
In the office
Trying to find something to do.

Dragged weary feet up the stairs
To stare at the emptiness in a full refrigerator
And closed the door
Closed my eyes
Closed my mouth
And existed for a minute.

Outside, nature is loud, boisterous and lively
So I found some death and lit it
And breathed out hurt
Breathed out boredom
Breathed out tiredness
Until it was all smoked up.

Sitting here at the computer I'm trying to find the words
To explain just how tired I am
Of smelling silence
Of smelling loneliness
Of smelling exhaustion
Just how tired I am of these exhaust fumes.
I'm really ******* tired.
2.6k · May 2014
Nervous
Q May 2014
My lips are moving but my brain is not
I've got my smile handy, I'll never be caught
I'm nervous but it'll never show on my face
I'll pretend I fit, I belong in this place.

My hands aren't clammy, I don't have a stutter
My voice is steady though my legs are rubber
I'm sitting down, no one gets to see
I'm nervous, I'm unsure, but I can fake happy.

I'm an actor, a professional, I'm perfect at what I do
I'm smiling, I'm laughing, but, god, how I hate you.
I fly through moods as though it's my sole purpose
I go by an alias so no one knows I wrote this.

I'm nervous, I'm nervous, I'm ******* terrified
But far be it from me to be typically traumatized
I'm a 'survivor', I'm doing just fine, I'm not panicking
I'll never display the bad moments publicly.
2.6k · Apr 2013
Disappointed
Q Apr 2013
He looked at me
Shook his head
Disappointed
I'd tried so long
Worked so hard
And reaped nothing
He turned form me
He walked away
So sadly
I put down my pride
And held to his legs
He shook me off
And patted my head
Resigned to the fact
I could not fetch
2.5k · Dec 2013
Bittersweet
Q Dec 2013
Bittersweet lime-flavoured love
An apparition, a ghost, a face I think of
A mere shadow without definition or name
A hopefulness for the fulfilment of why I came.
Stretching into the ghetto of my mind
Is a body, a shape, a stencil of who may be mine
Reaching against the wicked hands of time
Yet never grasping; a drop of sugar, a cup of lime

Down on my knees with my hands clasped tight in prayer
And my will alone shakes the foundation, yet no one appears
Errant tendrils of loneliness grip at my rotting soul and heart
And the rejection, and the hurt, and the hope tears me apart.
I am now a sinister, cynical shell of who I used to be
And I plead, I beg the monotony to set me free
As I am suffocating on the slimmest sliver of a wish
My head turned upwards, lips waiting for a kiss.

Whether love, or like, or grudging intimacy
So be it, for I need it, and whatever else it may be
Thus, I will wait by the water's edge where the waves are violent
I'll wait at the volcano's peak, before it erupts, when all is quiet.
I'll hang to a fraying rope placed miles above solid ground
I'll stand at the edge of a tall building and dizzy myself looking down
Until someone, or something, arrives from somewhere to extend my time
Until the taste finally fades: a drop of the sweetest sugar, a cup of bitter lime.
2.4k · Apr 2014
Munch, Crunch, Munch
Q Apr 2014
Munch, crunch, munch,
Do humans really need lunch?
Or the breakfast and the dinner
That makes them munch, crunch, munch?

Smack, pop, smack,
There's really no need for all that
With their mouths open as they snack
Smack, pop, smack.

Yell, shout, yell
My ears are a portrait of hell
My own brain is my jail cell, and I
Yell, shout, yell

Cry, scream, cry
Repeat this mantra till I die:
They don't get it, don't know why, but I
Cry, scream, cry
2.3k · Apr 2013
Misophonia
Q Apr 2013
Some days, I wish I was deaf
I wish I couldn't hear
So that people could make their routine sounds
And my mind would stay clear

'Misophonia' they call it
It's driving me insane
A hum, a chew, a noise
Replaying in my brain

I can't abide people
Because they'll make a sound
And just like that my good mood
Crashes to the ground

Misophonia, they call it
Misophonia, I hate my ears
They pick up every single noise
I wish I couldn't hear

*Misophonia, literally “hatred of sound”, is a form of decreased sound tolerance. It is believed[1] to be a neurological disorder characterized by negative experiences resulting only from specific sounds, whether loud or soft.
Made for Misophonia awareness. I have misophonia, most people don't take it seriously but it really hinders my everyday life.
2.3k · Apr 2014
Enough
Q Apr 2014
I move like a ****
I move like a *****
No, I move like a woman
And that's definition enough.

I walk like a man
I carry myself proudly
No, I walk like a human
And that's definition enough.

I speak like I'm white
I behave oddly to the colour of my skin
No, I act with intelligence
And that's adjective enough.

Strip me of your petty labels
I'll not be held down, I'll refuse their grip
Because I am simply me
And that's definition
And that's adjective
And that's enough.
2.3k · Jul 2014
Pathetic
Q Jul 2014
Your effort to save me was three words long
As though years of bitterness could be rectified
With a superficial, overdone, idiotic phrase...
So that you could at least say you "tried."

It's pathetic how the words tickle the back of my throat
Always waiting to spill onto the nearest sympathetic ear
And even more so pathetic that they are never said...
Because I'm convinced you won't say what I want to hear.

It is in your ignorance that you reach out to shattered people
Without recognizing the barbed wire around them
And you'd be infected with their plague with the slightest *****...
I hope you're infected, I hope you end up broken.

You're not above this. You're not.
You pretend to be just as okay as we do
You're not some miracle healer; not godsend
I hope you realize we, every single one of us, hate you.
Q May 2014
The first thought in my head
At the sight of the two together
Was, 'they don't match, but they fit,'
Like the beginning of Fall meeting the end of Summer.

Bright and outspoken
Warm summer days
Beside the quiet thoughtfulness
Of Autumn's leisurely change.

It's beautiful and intriguing
It's not meant for paper alone
So I'll shout it from the highest mountains
And write it in the most-heard songs.

Summer's heat speaks of joy
Though the nights talk of pain
And through the smiles and laughter
Is evidence of life's strain.

Autumn is quiet but opinionated
And riddled with hurricanes
But the light of Summer
Will never let Autumn fall again.

Summer writes of beautiful chaos
Autumn writes of simple existence
They don't match, but they fit
I'm amazed every time I see them.

See, the first thought in my head
At the sight of the two together
Was, 'they don't match, but they fit,"
Like the beginning of Fall meeting the end of Summer.
More poetry inspired by the muses :D for once, I feel like I wrote it somewhat correctly.
2.2k · Apr 2014
Hallowed Ground
Q Apr 2014
This here is hallowed ground
Simply because I say so
Hold your tongue; not a sound
On this here hallowed ground

This here is a spiritual place
Simply because it is
Feel catharsis in the tears on your face
In this here spiritual place

This here is wrong
Simply because I don't understand it
Don't be like them or sing their songs
Because that, they, are wrong.

This here is right
Only because it's black and white
Don't you ever stray from what we like
Conform with us tonight.
2.2k · Mar 2015
"Hallelujah."
Q Mar 2015
Oh, love, you are missing today
And, suddenly, everyone knows your name.
Oh, love, do you remember the way
You watched the seasons shift and change?

You're not here today, love
You'll visit and revisit
Yet you refuse to stay
And that's not enough, is it?

"Sweetheart, what have you done to us?"
We sang those words until we couldn't breathe
"Don't lie, I know we're fixing to die,"
And you were first to leave.

Beauty is subjective, but you were universal
Time is unreliable and age is routine
Life is objective and you were unimpressed
So what did you find so unsatisfactory?

"Hallelujah," you sang as you left
Hallelujah, hallelujah, rejoice for death
"Hallelujah," you said no "goodbye"'s
Just, "Hallelujah, hallelujah," until you died.

.

I heard there was a secret chord
And no one on Earth has heard it but you
We listen, watch, and wait for the answer
With our fingers crossed that it's the truth.

That David played to please the Lord
Though you never believed in him at all.
We are the David's playing until we can't
Then resuming at your call.

But you don't really care for music, do you?
In futile, in vain, our stupid efforts.
What song would you like to hear, dear king?
What will make you stay with us?

It goes like this: the minor fall, the major lift
It was set in stone from day one
We should have seen, should have known
That you would, so soon, be gone.

And the baffled King composing Hallelujah
Did you understand our words, our pleas?
Did you think of our cries before you left?
Oh my dearest, bemused, lost, little king.

Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...



The days passed by and you grew weary;
Your faith was strong but you needed proof
So you searched the world helplessly in vain
That life would mean something, anything, for you.

And then came Her, a breath of hope
You saw Her bathing on the roof
You crossed your fingers and prayed to the air
That She was the concrete, unfailing truth.

You followed her with your heart in hand;
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you.
You knelt by her feet and raised her up
The whole while singing, "Hallelujah."

She held you closer than you'd ever been then
She tied you to the kitchen chair.
And you were content, you were secure
You were so happy to be there.

She stripped you of titles and material things
She broke your throne and she cut your hair
She skinned you completely, down to your soul
And left you liberatingly bare.

She reached inside and wrenched the pain from you
And from your lips, she drew the, "Hallelujah."
You were so completely healed at that moment
How you relapsed, how you slipped away eludes her.

Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...

.
­
Oh, had I seen you slipping
I would've let you know that
Baby, I've been here before;
It's not the place for you to end at.

I would have stressed that you're better
Than this room soaked in the blood of thousands.
I've seen this room, I've walked this floor, you know
You'd be better off far away from it.

I would have explained that you were it.
I'd yet to see color, to live, to trust;
I used to live alone before I knew you-
Then you appeared and left me starstruck.

You were a light, you were a star
You were what I thought didn't exist before
And I've seen your flag on the marble arch
So I'll raise it in your absence; let it soar.

You were hope, dearest wayfarer
Though I know hope never lasts
And love is not a victory march
But I never thought it'd end so fast.

The message isn't an apology
It's not guilt or regret
It's a cold and it's a broken, "Hallelujah,"
That I've not managed to accept yet.

Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...

.
­
You said it once and I heard you clear
"I'm so tired," your eyes were closed
You didn't confide again, but oh,
There was a time when you let me know.

What's behind that small, secretive smile?
What is it you won't let show?
What are you feeling; are you okay?
What's really going on below?

All the things I never asked
For fear that questions would stab you through
I would've been a hiding place for your sorrow
But you never show that to me, do you?

I never knew what was on your mind
You never gave the slightest of clues.
I was more than prepared to give up
But remember when I moved in you?

I saw the pain, I saw the age
I finally felt as though I knew
We flew, I believe, we soared and flew
And the holy dove was moving too.

You were more than a light then
You were the cosmos, you were Earth's deus ex machina
We flew through time faster than we should have
And every breath we drew was, "Hallelujah."

Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...

.

May­be there's a god above
Who was looking down to see you
But if he didn't stop the you from leaving
Then what good can he do?

But all I've ever learned from love
Is that it hurts too much to chase
All I've ever learned from love
Was how to hate; all I' learned

Was how to shoot someone who outdrew you.
I bit at their heels like a rabid dog,
They didn't see the impossible thing you were
Until we reached the epilogue.

And it's not a cry that you hear at night,
That'll convince you to go.
It's not the passing of days and months
That snatched you from home.

It's not somebody who's seen the light
That coerced you away.
It's not the worst of your times
That convinced you not to stay.

It's a cold and it's a broken, "Hallelujah,"
That froze you to your bones.
And by the time heat had come
You were already gone.

Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Ha­llelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah.­..
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
To Him.
I'm trying to move on.
I've been writing this since October, I think this is the best version.
Q Jul 2013
I used to know you like that
I used to know you better
I used to know the details of your smile
I used to know the workings of your brain

But we grew apart, miles apart
And now you're to far from my reach
And the distance hurts, it kills so sweetly
And I don't realize how far you are until you're gone

And I've missed you so badly lately
I miss you more than I miss myself
I miss you more than the old me who
Missed you better before you'd even left

I'm sure in some years, we'll have awkward chats
And I'm sure in some years I'll not be so bitter
And I know you think in some years we'll be friends
And have borderline domestic conversation about our kids

But I miss you now and I'll miss you after those years
I'll miss the easy camaraderie we've had from the start
I'll miss our borderline romantic relationship
I'll miss people asking if you were mine and vice versa

I miss the way you used to pull me flush against you
And I miss how I'd wind my arms round your neck
I miss how I felt your heartbeat beside mine
I miss how safe, how loved, how dependent I felt then

I miss how you'd calm me down with your presence
I miss how you'd take care of me, though I fought it tooth and nail
I miss feeling like I could try to overcome my fears to be with you
I miss how oblivious you were to how I felt, no matter what I did

I miss your irritating smile that always makes me do the same
I miss they way I used to feel when I wrote poetry about you
I miss the way you tried to hold me, though I was too scared to let you
I miss the way you looked when I mentioned other people purposefully

I miss the way we never said those three words; we weren't that far
I miss the way you broke me down and I let you, though it hurt
I miss the way I rebuilt myself to need you less and ended up needing you more
I miss the way you smiled when I couldn't do without you

And now we talk around the elephant in the room softly
And I hate averting my eyes like this, but I can't stop
I hate how we're just friends, even though it could be more
I hate how it should be more. It should be more, and you know it

I hate how I'm moving on, finding other people to fill the hole you left
I hate how I still feel empty, even though it's not been long enough to call it love
I hate how much it hurts to see you, though I mask the pain and smile
And I hate how I miss you even more than I miss myself
2.2k · Apr 2013
The Marathon I'll Always Win
Q Apr 2013
In this marathon, I'll always win
But I'll never claim the prize
As once I have the trophy
It no longer interests my eyes

In this marathon I shouldn't run
Because I won't treasure my success
I'll gain the prize, win first place
And give it to the rest

In this marathon where you are the trophy
And I give unrelenting chase
Until you finally give in and love me
So I can finally walk away

In this marathon I'm running
The prize is not my goal
I simply love the thrill of the chase
And then the passion runs cold

In this marathon I'm running
I'll do anything to win
But once I do it's over
And I'll find a new chase to begin

So please don't take it personally
When I leave after the race
And learn from now on
Not to trust someone so fake
2.1k · Apr 2014
Stupid Little Children
Q Apr 2014
Stupid little children come here to die
And stupid little children cry
Stupid little children stall for time
Stupid little child of mine

Stupid little children let the mirror tell them lies
Stupid little children jump and don't fly
Stupid little children's smiles reach their eyes
Stupid little child is hurting inside

Stupid little children are ready but so scared
Stupid little children waiting for someone to appear
Stupid little children can't shake the fear
Stupid little children so far but so near

Stupid little children scrubbing their eyes
Stupid little children so stupidly wise
Stupid little children so sick of life
Stupid little child of mine

Stupid little children no one understands
Stupid little children waiting for a helping hand
Stupid little children sinking in the sand
Stupid little children can't find land

Stupid little children
Stupid child of mine
Stupid little children
I'm one of their kind
2.1k · Jun 2014
Fatality in the Finesse
Q Jun 2014
Drinking bottles of Guinness
"Only socially, I can't stand the stuff"
Fatality in the finesse
Of 'classiness' and *****.

Smoky rooms and jazzy tunes
A cigar hanging from the lips
Fatality in the finesse
Of small talk and swaying hips.

Winehouse's drawl pours from the speakers
That are modern in their vintage style
Fatality in the finesse
Of hidden grimaces and fake smiles.

Every conversations the same
In it's lack of personality
Fatality in the finesse
Of sociability.
I have no idea where this came from.
2.1k · Jan 2014
The Rage I Hide Daily
Q Jan 2014
I will rip you, I'll rend you, I'll tear you apart
I will shave away your skin with my nails
And carve your bones with my teeth
I will tear the hair from your head and wrap it round your throat.

I will **** you

I want your blood on the tip of my tongue
I want to to smile as your lungs fill with blood
I want to rip your jugular and watch you die
And since I really want to, I know I really could.

My soul, my heart is ablaze with anger
Only the glass of your dead eyes can quench
My mind is a wasteland of war
Made peaceful by your pain.

By my hand and from my anger
You will be ripped from this world
By my hand and from my anger
Will this knot of insanity unfurl.

Let Earth conflagrate
Let the fire you take you as it has me
Let the universe burn
Burn you to a cadaver, a carcass, a body.
2.1k · May 2014
Flattered and Flustered
Q May 2014
It takes little more than a kind word
To carry me through a month
To hold me up against battle
To force me, against trials, to triumph.

It takes little more than genuine praise
To burn a soul to memory
To lose all sense of proper speech
To fly unbound and freely.

And with a word comes a smile
I can't get it off my face
With a word comes gratitude
So potent my hands shake.

With a word comes a flattered feeling
That blossoms just under my ribs
With a word comes a jittery, happy panic
On which I cannot put a lid.

I laugh boisterously
I forget my usual frown
With a word I am lifted
And I will never come back down.
UuU thank you
2.1k · Dec 2013
The Fandom Did It Better
Q Dec 2013
The fandom did it better
They filled your plot holes
The fandom did it better
At filling your character molds

The fandom did it better
The added angst and comedy and depth
The fandom did it better
So I read the fandom, **** the rest
Hello everything I ever read. This is for you. The fandom always does better than the books. Just sayin. But if you have an exception to the rule; recommend it.
2.1k · Apr 2014
Hold On
Q Apr 2014
Hold on, I'll impress you
I'll change your veiw of life
Hold on, I will amaze you
Just wait, don't leave me behind.

I'm growing, I swear
Don't you want to see me change?
I'm so much better, hold on.
Just.. I  need time, please wait.
Q Jan 2014
Chronically
Ironically
It seems to be
All fallacies
Of things to be
That I'll never get the chance to see.

Jive and jeer
Laugh and sneer
A cough, a wheeze
Laughing at me
And all my pleas
I know in truth I'll never be free

But to clarify, don't let vague by, description of the fallen
Every molecule I'm made of has an infection, a problem.

Is it in my brain, I wonder?
Because even I'm afraid to check.
You've seen my anger, my fury
And my graphic imaginings of death.
And the jealousy that festers
And the perversions that I flaunt
And the lengths I would go
Simply to get what I want.

I've spoken of Misophonia
(God, I hate my ears)
I've explained how every sound
Causes abject anger or fear.
I've talked of how my brain
Just doesn't understand
A single 'trigger' noise and
I've either screamed or ran.

I've discussed my depression
I've described why and how I cut
I explained that my Heart wants blood
Though my Brain screams 'Enough'
I've mentioned my memory lapses
That are no longer quite selective
How the line of my memories aren't
Sequential; aren't consecutive.

I've written and erased just how lonely I am
I've written of tears through tears
I've written of hurt and of love
And even hope, or maybe fear.
I've written my family whom I hate to love
I've written my desire to be owned and kept
I've written my straying from beliefs and religion
I've written ****-themes of what has and hasn't happened yet

I've written my thoughts: why was my life like this?
I've written my thoughts: can I be someone else?
I've written my thoughts: can you change my colour?
I've written my thoughts: why wasn't I born male?
I've typed my heart: someone somewhere is gonna love you.
I've typed my soul: no one needs to see it.
I've typed my mind: you're useless, ugly, crass
I've typed the facts: I'm a *******.

And that's only a fraction of my brain.
Only a portion of what hurts.
That's only a taste of what makes me insane.
A glimpse of a wasteland of dust and dirt.
We'll go no farther there, not today
We've much more to explore.
It's not safe in my brain at all
But, perhaps later, we'll see more.

Now the problem could lie on my skin.
That's riddled with scars and life.
My skin that tells a story
Of pain, of hate, of strife.
My skin, god I always hated it
The color, the scarring, the texture
There's not a **** thing about it
That doesn't make me feel lesser.

My skin, you don't understand
My skin makes me, me.
My skin, you don't comprehend!
Color is all you see.
I was raised to be wary
Of everything, alive or dead
But skin was the selling point
I was the monster under my bed.

My skin explains stories
I never thought to tell
My skin holds trauma
In every atom, every cell
My skin is calloused
From scars and hurt and work
Like an ever-present melody
It's driving me berserk.

But the problem may be in my organs
Perhaps inside my lungs.
I remember at thirteen I felt trauma
And almost picked up and fired a gun.
But instead I chose a lighter and
A stick filled with cancer
Instead I ****** up my voice
Just so I wouldn't remember.

Maybe it's in my heart
With its irregular beating
And the constant stress
Chilling and overheating.
The unending adrenaline
The paranoia never stops
The suicide attempts
I'm sure my heart's about to pop.

And yet I may never know
There's too many issues
Every molecule I own
Needs to be made anew.
This was a checkup
And a shoddy one at best
But should I ever go in-depth
I'll write it all, I'll write the rest.
2.0k · Jun 2013
Oxymoronic the First
Q Jun 2013
It chills like fire
It burns like ice
It's dark like day
And so bright like night
It's an oxymoron
That makes paradoxical sense
It's a pseudo-pseudonym
Filled with disguise, thick and dense
And it's become a fine mess
In the years I've been gone
The acute dullness
Of the field seems so wrong
But the change is the same
And the routine is ever-changing
And this name has no name
As we look for what we can't see
Also written a year ago, save the last four lines
1.9k · Jun 2017
To You Who Will Never Exist
Q Jun 2017
First let me say I cannot be fully sorry
I cannot give you the life I wanted
I don't have the money or the stability
To love you the way I've promised I would
Should I let you exist and be everything to me
I would not treat you the way I wished I was
When I was just a child looking for love.

You won't exist because I refuse to let you
Because I looked at my own mother and asked
"Why did you have me?"
I can't be a parent that would never put that question in your head.
You won't exist because I am not strong enough to let you.
I am sorry for that.

I will mourn you. I have mourned you.
You are two inches long and know nothing
Have done nothing and deserve none of this
Yet and still, you won't exist because you will be something
You will be someone.
You will be someone I will fight to love and provide for
And I will fail.

You won't exist because I look in the mirror
And I see someone who I would ****.
And I cannot provide from the grave.
Nor will I leave you to fight for a life I couldn't give.
Yet and still, I will imagine I could.
And I will hate myself in the way you have no capacity to do
I will hate me for you.

You will never know what it is to smile or frown
You will never laugh or cry
I will never see you roll or walk or speak
And I will never shower you in love
Because I will never allow you to exist in who I am now
And so you won't exist.

But I will think of you when I next slit my wrists.
I will think of two inches of perfection that I couldn't ensure safety.
I will think of two inches and what could have been
I will think of the first time you would curl a hand around my finger
And I will cry for you and tell you that I'll join you
Despite you never existing to care to begin with.

You will not exist anywhere aside from a single picture in a scan
And within my memories.
You will not exist to anyone but me if I let you.
But in the absence of your life, I will immortalize and remember you.
You have no name. You have a name.
I will never know which name fits you better.

I will get on a flight taking me away from where
You ceased and never began to be.
I will bury the memory of you deep in my mind
On the surface of my thoughts where you will thrive.
I will imagine chubby fingers grasping at earth in wonder
And whispering all the dreams you could and would reach into your ear
I will imagine what could be if I wasn't what I am today.

I will go home. I will put my life together and heal.
I will create a space for myself so that I can properly allow you to be.
And it will not be you who exists then.
And I will lament your loss when I am finally able to take care of you
Far, far too late.

I suppose I just need to say goodbye to you.
I have whispered it into myself several times
And been both grateful and remorseful that you cannot understand
And hope you will exist in the after that I've never believed in
That you will grow and know that your lack of existence
Was not a decision lightly made.

I will comfort myself in thinking you will never know
What it is to have a father who neither loves you nor your family
I will comfort myself thinking you will never worry over the money we don't have
I will comfort myself thinking you will never see the state of the world I chose not to bring you into.
You will not exist and these comforts will be empty.

Because I imagine you as a little girl with curly hair
And a smile so bright it would rival the sun and change the world
I imagine you as a little boy with a heart so big seven billion people would instantly feel loved
I imagine you as an avid reader, the way I was, forever shoving books into your desk
I imagine you as a graduate with endless potential at your fingertips
But you will not be. You will not exist.

I think on what made you. And I wonder if I could look past it.
If I could find it in me to love you the way you would deserve.
I love you now. I hate you now. I want to cradle you in my arms.
I will not. You do not exist.
You will not exist for me to know.

I will see you when I sleep, I believe
I will see you as you were and as you may be
And I will wrap my arms around you as I push you away
And I will whisper the names you never had
And give you the gifts you'll never see.
I will blow a raspberry into the stomach you never developed
I will listen to giggles from the vocal chords you never contained.
You will not exist then.
But who you may have been will.

I will carry you on my shoulders in a dream
I will promise to keep your teeny lips in a smile
And you tiny head in the clouds.
I will dream your dreams for you and hope to know you
I will not dream your dreams. I do not know you.
You have no dreams.
And you will not exist.

You would be a number of pounds of beauty, had I let you.
You would be, if I only let you, a perfect number of inches, perfect down to the smallest decibel.
You would be quiet. You would be loud. I would complain of your colic.
You will be none of those things. I will not complain.
You will not exist.

I will breathe in the air you never did.
I will marvel the sky you never saw.
I will mourn the life you never lived.
I will love the you who never thought.
And yet and still, you will not exist.
1.9k · Aug 2014
Tiny Smiles
Q Aug 2014
Tiny smiles and loud laughs
Summer heat and cool breeze
Excited words and calm thoughts
Deep conversation about meaningless things.

Soft songs and slow guitar
Young souls with long lives
Polaroid photos and alleyways
Sunroofs and blue skies.

Dollar stores and Chinese food
Gazebos and high heels
Doughnuts and Bonnaroo
Tiny smiles and lunch meals.
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