Tiny smiles and loud laughs
Summer heat and cool breeze
Excited words and calm thoughts
Deep conversation about meaningless things.

Soft songs and slow guitar
Young souls with long lives
Polaroid photos and alleyways
Sunroofs and blue skies.

Dollar stores and Chinese food
Gazebos and high heels
Doughnuts and Bonnaroo
Tiny smiles and lunch meals.

The world behind my eyes is so much prettier than real life
The world inside my head is filled to the brim promise
The world behind my eyes is brimming with a million, million dreams
The world inside my head is where impossible possibilities exist.

I will dive into my imaginary world today
Floating on Zaleplon and Flexeril pills
I will live inside my mind's creation and thrive
While my body is still.

The world beyond my skull is beauty and innocent words
The world within my brain is laughter and smiles and games
The world beyond my skull knows no pain or judgement
The world within my brain is free from tears and frowns, from shame.

I will immerse myself in my second reality today
And I will forget nihilism and existentialism.
Life will regain the meaning it held in my early childhood
And, with Death, they will pull me, and I will let them.

There is no greater curse and no greater gift than to be aware of Life.
There's nothing worse than knowing the pointless routine
And it'll send a thinker to the grave, thus I chose the world
Behind my eyes, beneath my skull, inside my dreams.

I'm that pretty kitty
Sitting on your windowsill
Leaving dander on the glass
Looking more than my fill

My fur is brown and black
My claws are sharp as knives
My teeth are quite sinister
And I've still all nine lives

You've never paid me much attention
And I ceased attempts to receive it long ago
You go about your day ignoring me
And I stare covetously through the window

I know you can see me
Every blue moon, you'll wave
We actually get along in a way
But not enough to sate all I crave

I wonder if you'll ever notice
My stare is unadulterated jealousy
But you never seem to notice
I also envy that naivety

But I'm just the pretty kitty
Perched up on this windowsill
All I want is to be seen from inside
But no one ever will

I've only eyes for the inside though
I've got my friends on this side of the glass
And they look at me, bemused and disgusted
Because, in all ways and forms, I'm obsessed

But I'm different and I'm on the wrong side
And I'm just the pretty kitty on the windowsill
But I'm not comfortable with my own kind
And with yours, I'm just good for visual appeal

So I'll sit here on this windowsill
Gazing enviously
Because neither side fits me
But it fits them perfectly

We are rotten now.
You are rotten, moldy, putrid with disease.
I'll separate my pristine state from you.
Get the **** away from me.

You are rotten now.
You are contagiously, disgustingly rotten.
I'll pretend there's still some use in you,
Throw you in the compost, forgotten.

You are a memory.
Overripe, painful, noxious.
You were a part of me.
Infecting, stinking, rancid.

This is my goodbye to you
This is the routine compost.
This is how I say, "We're through,"
This is how I let you go.

King come down
The King come down
There's not a single frown
As the King come down.

The people run just like they die:
With a sudden silence
And a cease of non-existent existence
That ends the accepted fiction.

King come down
The King come down
Not a single frown
Oh, the King come down!

Nine, nine, nine
Two, four, zero
Two and eight
Pause. Wait.

Ignore the grafts.
Don't speak or make sound.
Ignore the grafts.
The King come down.

King come down
The King come down
Your people do not frown
THE KING COME DOWN.

You never cease to surprise me
I'm always entertained
And through your constant shock value
You always slip away

See, what's mine is what I keep
It never leaves my sight
But in a moment of pure surprise
In a manner so mild, so trite

You break my expectations
You twist away from me
This is the longest I've kept pursuit
This is how pursuit should be!

Craving, chasing, courting
Salivating when victory draws near
Elusive, evading, ensnaring
An exquisite prey of no fear.

This is a game!
This is how life should be!
And the best of the best is that
No-one's playing but me!

You don't see the board
But I see every piece
And yet you lead me and dupe me
In a game never to cease.

Oh that I could continue forever
With you, I'd never tire
And you'd work me down to bones
And I'd beg you, "Take me higher"

May you never lose your shock value
You're never what I expect
And I'll forever be infatuated
With your difference from the rest.

First let me say I cannot be fully sorry
I cannot give you the life I wanted
I don't have the money or the stability
To love you the way I've promised I would
Should I let you exist and be everything to me
I would not treat you the way I wished I was
When I was just a child looking for love.

You won't exist because I refuse to let you
Because I looked at my own mother and asked
"Why did you have me?"
I can't be a parent that would never put that question in your head.
You won't exist because I am not strong enough to let you.
I am sorry for that.

I will mourn you. I have mourned you.
You are two inches long and know nothing
Have done nothing and deserve none of this
Yet and still, you won't exist because you will be something
You will be someone.
You will be someone I will fight to love and provide for
And I will fail.

You won't exist because I look in the mirror
And I see someone who I would ****.
And I cannot provide from the grave.
Nor will I leave you to fight for a life I couldn't give.
Yet and still, I will imagine I could.
And I will hate myself in the way you have no capacity to do
I will hate me for you.

You will never know what it is to smile or frown
You will never laugh or cry
I will never see you roll or walk or speak
And I will never shower you in love
Because I will never allow you to exist in who I am now
And so you won't exist.

But I will think of you when I next slit my wrists.
I will think of two inches of perfection that I couldn't ensure safety.
I will think of two inches and what could have been
I will think of the first time you would curl a hand around my finger
And I will cry for you and tell you that I'll join you
Despite you never existing to care to begin with.

You will not exist anywhere aside from a single picture in a scan
And within my memories.
You will not exist to anyone but me if I let you.
But in the absence of your life, I will immortalize and remember you.
You have no name. You have a name.
I will never know which name fits you better.

I will get on a flight taking me away from where
You ceased and never began to be.
I will bury the memory of you deep in my mind
On the surface of my thoughts where you will thrive.
I will imagine chubby fingers grasping at earth in wonder
And whispering all the dreams you could and would reach into your ear
I will imagine what could be if I wasn't what I am today.

I will go home. I will put my life together and heal.
I will create a space for myself so that I can properly allow you to be.
And it will not be you who exists then.
And I will lament your loss when I am finally able to take care of you
Far, far too late.

I suppose I just need to say goodbye to you.
I have whispered it into myself several times
And been both grateful and remorseful that you cannot understand
And hope you will exist in the after that I've never believed in
That you will grow and know that your lack of existence
Was not a decision lightly made.

I will comfort myself in thinking you will never know
What it is to have a father who neither loves you nor your family
I will comfort myself thinking you will never worry over the money we don't have
I will comfort myself thinking you will never see the state of the world I chose not to bring you into.
You will not exist and these comforts will be empty.

Because I imagine you as a little girl with curly hair
And a smile so bright it would rival the sun and change the world
I imagine you as a little boy with a heart so big seven billion people would instantly feel loved
I imagine you as an avid reader, the way I was, forever shoving books into your desk
I imagine you as a graduate with endless potential at your fingertips
But you will not be. You will not exist.

I think on what made you. And I wonder if I could look past it.
If I could find it in me to love you the way you would deserve.
I love you now. I hate you now. I want to cradle you in my arms.
I will not. You do not exist.
You will not exist for me to know.

I will see you when I sleep, I believe
I will see you as you were and as you may be
And I will wrap my arms around you as I push you away
And I will whisper the names you never had
And give you the gifts you'll never see.
I will blow a raspberry into the stomach you never developed
I will listen to giggles from the vocal chords you never contained.
You will not exist then.
But who you may have been will.

I will carry you on my shoulders in a dream
I will promise to keep your teeny lips in a smile
And you tiny head in the clouds.
I will dream your dreams for you and hope to know you
I will not dream your dreams. I do not know you.
You have no dreams.
And you will not exist.

You would be a number of pounds of beauty, had I let you.
You would be, if I only let you, a perfect number of inches, perfect down to the smallest decibel.
You would be quiet. You would be loud. I would complain of your colic.
You will be none of those things. I will not complain.
You will not exist.

I will breathe in the air you never did.
I will marvel the sky you never saw.
I will mourn the life you never lived.
I will love the you who never thought.
And yet and still, you will not exist.

I can't tell you how much I'm hurting
To acknowledge my pain is weakness
To share my weakness is pathetic
But I hurt, oh, I hurt

I can't tell you how much I want you to love me
Because to say it would be to jinx it
And to jinx it would be to lose you
But, by god, I wish you loved me

I can't explain how much I depend on you
Because to explain would be to trust you
And to trust you would be to make me vulnerable
But I depend on you. I really do.

I can't tell you all the little things I want you to say
Because to tell you would be to make them unoriginal
And to make them unoriginal would be to make them unsatisfactory
But I wish you would coddle me and tell me those things

I can't tell you how much I want to be yours
Because to tell you would be to give you power over me
And to give you the power would be to give you my leash
But I wish I could, and you would own me.

I can't tell you how twisted I am
Because to tell you would be to make you notice
And to make you notice would be to disgust you
But I wish you'd accept me

I can't tell you
I'm sorry for that
You've given me your trust
But I can't give it back

I can't explain
So I'll apologize
I simply don't want to be
Pathetic in your eyes

I can't confide
And I'll always feel remorse
But if I were to lose you
I'd feel much worse

I can't be who you wish me to be
So I'll keep who I really am
Under lock and key
I'll chain up my personality
So, ideally you'll see
The person you can't help but love

That person that leaves you starstruck

I'll hold back all I am
Because I am not your ideal
And your ideals are above me
So I can't let myself be real

I've shunned who I am
Because of who you are
I am bitter and angry
But you'll never see my scars

I want to let you closer
I want to try my luck
But deep down I know
I'm not who leaves you *starstruck

I've never been good at poker
But me and Life played a game
I pulled a horrid, useless hand
And lost every penny to my name

The consequences were harsh
Life gave me them with a smile
With very little to work with
To overcome the trials

Life gave me keloid scars
Life gave me misophonia
Life gave me depression
Life gave me paranoia

And panic attacks
And a fear of love
(And a huge nose
As if I hadn't had enough)

And I'm meant to accept my "spoils"
From a horrid poker game
And spend years of my life
Pretending I'm okay

I'm supposed to laugh
And have a smile on my face
But what emotion should I show
When the audience walks away?

I'm supposed to do this
Without being too fake
But how can one be genuine
While wearing the facades they make?

So when others ask why I'm suicidal
When they ask why I find everything bland
When they try to fix my apathy
I just tell them "I drew a bad hand"

Oh no!
What have I done?
This is madness,
And it's only just begun.
Quick, abort the mission!
Before it's far too late!
How could I end up liking,
A girl that's obviously straight?
She's not homophobic
But she wouldn't accept me
Oh no, oh no, oh no
I've got to set myself free!
Even if I have to lie to my brain
I've got to pull back these reins!

She's not pretty!
Oh yes she is
She's not nice!
Is that what you're trying to fool me with?
She's chubby!
So are you sweetie, and we both know she's not
She's a real ****!
That arguments' already been shot
She's short!
You don't seem to care
She's not my type!
Now, who are you trying to fool here?
Her hair's too long!
Now you're just grasping at straws
Her morals are all wrong!
Aren't those your flaws?

I've tried my best
But I know it's not true
My brain is quite smart
Aw, sweetie, thank you
I'm not going to get rid of this
The way I normally do
It seems this crush is a bit stuck
This isn't just a crush dear, get a clue
So I suppose I may panic,
Because this situation blows.
And in case I've not said it enough-
Oh no, oh no, oh no!

You don't ship it like I do
In my spare time (all the time)
Instead of paying attention.
You're not as much of a fan as I am
You say I'm obsessed
I call it infatuation.

You can't fill the hole in yourself
Without a ship but you'd rather not
So you can shy away from shipping
I'm on a ******* yacht.
You don't understand the calling
Which is, basically, at this point, normality
And thus, I have no need for you
Go be a carbon copy.

But I will sail!
I will go down with this ship!
(**** tumblr to hell
For spoiling my ****!)
But sail, I will, even still.
Oh, in my battleship
I'll rip your OTP!
My ship is stronger
My ship is closer to canon in reality!
So yes, your pairing, I will shred, I'll rip.

Stupid little children come here to die
And stupid little children cry
Stupid little children stall for time
Stupid little child of mine

Stupid little children let the mirror tell them lies
Stupid little children jump and don't fly
Stupid little children's smiles reach their eyes
Stupid little child is hurting inside

Stupid little children are ready but so scared
Stupid little children waiting for someone to appear
Stupid little children can't shake the fear
Stupid little children so far but so near

Stupid little children scrubbing their eyes
Stupid little children so stupidly wise
Stupid little children so sick of life
Stupid little child of mine

Stupid little children no one understands
Stupid little children waiting for a helping hand
Stupid little children sinking in the sand
Stupid little children can't find land

Stupid little children
Stupid child of mine
Stupid little children
I'm one of their kind

Everyone wants a piece of you though
And you don't even know
Self-depreciating like you're not worth it
Though the leash you've got on Earth's a perfect fit.

No, they don't crowd you
You don't have millions at your heels
Because they've learned respect
(Or they're afraid, if they touch, you won't be real)

Everybody wants you
Every single soul
Everyone, I swear
And you don't even know.

Stay a little longer
The worlds not so bad
I love you, stranger
Please don't be sad

When the knife is in your hand and you want to die
Imagine I'm there whispering, "Please stay alive."

Maybe it's your home life
Or a relationship
But I love you, stranger
I doesn't have to be like this

When you're crying and you need to see blood
Open your computer and I'll comfort you like they should.

When you're lower than Earth's core
When you feel ready to leave
I love you, stranger
Please stay with me

You're slicing your arms and you won't eat
Wipe your eyes, clean your arms, and have something sweet.

You think no one cares
You hate yourself so much
I love you, stranger
I hope that's enough

You want love so bad, you want a hug
And I'm ready to give that, all it takes is some trust.

Because I want to listen
I want to see you well
I love you , stranger
More than you can tell

So when you need a someone to talk to, I'll be right here
I love you stranger, I'll lend an ear.

I used to do it slow
Drag the knife like a violin bow
Just to see my blood
Spill out the way it should

slices in lowercase
BLOOD pours in caps
pAiN is togglecase
CaLm is toggled opposite

I used to feel spite
Nipping at my heart day and night
But then I found the knife
And everything was alright

slices in lowercase
BLOOD pours in caps
pAiN is togglecase
CaLm is toggled opposite

I used to be so good
Better than any child ever could
And then the pAiN found me
So dense, it is, I cannot see

slices in lowercase
BLOOD pours in caps
pAiN is togglecase
CaLm is toggled opposite

I used to write letters
And hope they'd know me better
When I finally left this world
Ripped free like an oyster's pearl

slices in lowercase
BLOOD pours in caps
pAiN is togglecase
CaLm is toggled opposite

I'm a different person now.
I'm no longer in pAiN
I'm living in apathy
In ever-constant rain

Slices are merely cuts
And blood is nothing big
Pain is simply life
And calm is nonexistent

The method behind the madness
Always shows in the end
I cut my arms to see my blood,
Feel the pain and realize I'm alive again.

Dear Chaus,

Wishing upon that shooting star
For something more than what you are
Heartbreaking as you send your wish afar
But you'll never be more than simply subpar.

Calling out for a goal, an ambition
Reaching hard to make the distance
Running until you lose your vision
Then crashing when, again, you miss it.

Because all you are is a common entity
With not a single redeeming quality
All you are is a lackluster commodity
Thrown away once something better is seen.

Are you lonely yet, does the feeling invade your soul?
Are you lonely yet, now that you feel so old?
Are you lonely yet and has your optimism run cold?
Are you lonely yet, are you ready to go?

Does it crush you in that way that makes death seem sweet?
Does it rend you in the fashion that forces up what you eat?
Does it poison you like smoke that your lungs forever keep?
Does it drag you like nicotine, controlling your feet?

How do you do now, my dear, and those cuts on your arms?
How do you do now, my dear, with no father to bring you harm?
How do you fare, my dear, when all is at peace and warm?
How do you fare, my dear, with the paranoia, the alarm?

Is it too much or just enough, are you running to the end?
It is too good or too bad, will you shun those helping hands?
Is it too loud or too quiet, is love still in your plans?
Is it to nice or to cruel, now do you understand?

As all you'll ever be, you are ending in this moment
All you wish to see that you've smashed on the pavement.
All the time you had that your decisions use as payment.
All the people who've passed that you wished would have come with.

This is what is waiting for you in a year, a decade, a century
This is what is waiting and this is all you'll ever see
Disappointment by disappointment, never quite depression-free
This is what is waiting: anything but content or happy.

So next you feel the call of some obscure way to die
I bid you take the chance, let not another chance pass by
The next you feel fed up and you can only think to cry
Put down your tears and dance and kiss this cruel world goodbye.

Love,
Chaus

It's a feeling of...of respect.
I don't think of them as friends.
I can't think of them as conquests.
They're above that, above me, above you.

In fact; it's more like awe.
It's more like being struck stupid
In the face of a star.
Except that's not quite right....

Imagine you meet your favorite idol
But you don't know it's them
But something about them calls your soul
And your body, until you become friends.

And it turns out they're absolutely unreal
It turns out they're...they're amazing
That's how they make me feel
That's how I see them

I can't just hug them like I do my other friends
And I can't just talk to them like they aren't beyond human
I can't just smile at them, can't pretend
Because they're everything I've never knew I wanted for me.

He is fall and she is summer
Calm and hot and colorful
Beautifully ethereal
Warm down to the atoms
In my bones.

He is fall and she is summer
And they've been new for centuries
Oxymoronic and lovely and
Warm down to the atoms
In my bones.

He is fall and she is summer
And people like them don't exist
Just a figment of realistic imaginings
Warm down to the atoms
In my bones

And there is no rhyme nor reason
And there is no word or articulation
And I cannot describe or indicate
And I cannot understand or make sense

But they are warm
Down to the atoms
In my bones.

Gripping to you is the best workout I've ever tried
Because you're slippery, elusive, when I've got a hold
Returning to water when I thought I had ice.

I've developed an emotional carpal tunnel over the years
My hands are leather hard and my knuckles bleed
And it hurts so much it brings me to my knees; to tears.

I've never let go though; the day I saw you was the day I--
The moment I saw you was the moment I knew I--
The words that elude me now will be said when you're mine.

I've found pity in the eyes of every person I've confided to
Which I can't stand because you've never been anything short of,
Never been anything wrong, the best thing I've been through.

There's a strain on my muscles from holding onto hope this way
My shoulders are ever-tense, my back bowed under the weight
And I'm vulnerable in this position, but come what may.

I'm not fool enough to pledge to emotions for you with a common phrase
But should you ever return everything I've yet to say, yet to accept
I would gladly accept a loss of commonsense, would gladly change my ways.

I hurt through the day, yet it is no matter, I hurt through the night too
But the pain may be worth it in a decade, or less, as I hope
For a day when I can without fear whisper, scream, say, "I-        ."

Until then, my knuckles may bleed red until I'm dry and dead.
Until then, my hands may harden to rock until they fall off.
Until then, my body may hurt and ache but I will wait for the day.

You'll never admit
Just how soft you are inside
How you'll always help those in need
You'll never, never confide

But I don't need your words
To see past your tough facade
As every action you make proves me right
And I'm filled with awe

You are kind beyond words
Sweet beyond needs
Humble beyond shyness
Fair in your deeds

And when you ask why I chuckle
I'll always say
No matter how you hide it
You're such a tsundere

*Tsundere:  character development process that describes a person who is initially cold and even hostile towards another person before gradually showing his or her warm side over time

I miss you more than you seem to know.
......She misses you too.
We talk more often now though
Because it helps that we get it, I think.

I'm not really sure how to react to all this
You being so....lost.
I sort of got into the habit of looking at you
For directions. Because I wanted to be like you, somewhat.

You're amazing, you know that?
You're the moon and the sun and autumn and
....and all the little things that bring about large smiles.
I wish I could put it to a rhyme scheme.

She's breaking. Not as bad as she could be
But she is breaking.
I don't want to watch that. I didn't sign up for this.
I didn't want to have to watch my friends crumble.

Friends. I can't even label you two as that.
It doesn't fit.
You're so much more than that. I want. I need.
The point is, you're more than 'friends'.

You're both so ridiculously beautiful, y'know?
It's not even fair or okay because people like you don't exist.
But I'm glad you do.
It's pretty ****** that I only managed to write this now.

I shouldn't even be writing this, honestly.
I should be biding my time until you get back.
I should wait maybe two weeks before I call you both.
And then I should sit you down and explain it to your faces.

I'd probably lose some friends doing that, though.
I'm terrified of losing you guys.
Like, legitimately, panic attack worthy, terrified.
It keeps me up at night, sometimes.

Because I love you guys. Scary, right?
I'm not used to saying that and meaning it.
I love you guys.
I want to see you two for a long time.

While I'm emptying my heart, I should mention
That I wrote a lot of poetry about you two
Including this, and it saved me,  I think.
I get where you are, and I've been there. I am there.

But it'd be great if you'd stay. If you'd both stay.
I don't wanna stick around without you guys.
You're something special and amazing and addictive....
And so, so, brokenly perfect.

So yeah. I guess I just wanted to say "I Miss You"
And get all this off my chest.
Because I need you here and she needs you here
But until you can be here, I can write poetry.

In the loud silence
There is a fine mess
Where a girl, a little pregnant
Is trying to act naturally

She an adult child
Absolutely unsure of what she's done
For an advanced beginner in parenthood
She's doing awfully good

Anxiously she patiently waits
As the amateur expert checks
Is she almost safe
Or is she almost pregnant?

My cuts still bleed in the morning
Long after I put the knife away
And when you rush in and find me
It is far too late to ask me to stay

I'm living six feet underground
My corpse and the bugs play all night long
I'm happy to be gone but I wonder will you
Write something pretty on my headstone?

Click, click, click, click
Precise and unhurried steps.
Standing tall and straight.
Always knowing where you'll step next.

Click, click, click, click
Whether in pants or a dress
Step with confidence and elegance
Remember you're the best of the best

Click, click, click, click
Now subtly sway those hips
Walk briskly but leisurely
Coy smile high on your lips

Click, click, click, click*
You're now walking the walk
Sophistication in every step
Next is to learn the talk

It's unwarranted; I know everything is fine.
                                   stop checking and they'll stab you from behind
It's my personality; I'm inclined to mistrust.
                                           just when you feel safe it'll crumble to dust
Just because it's happened before...
                                          only fools don't listen when they're warned
I'm happy now, I'm just looking for a penance.
                                         with good comes bad; there must be balance


I'll talk to the therapist, he'll know what's wrong
                                      aren't you afraid he's just leading you along?
He's there to help when I'm feeling stranded at sea!
                               of course, and foremost, he's there for the money
I've never thought any of this, I'm not the kind
                                     yes you have, it's all at the back of your mind
I just want to know why I'm thinking these things again.
                             just like the last time, it's the beginning of the end

I'm talking to myself, I've lost my ******* mind.
                                               we already had this discussion last time
I'm actually sitting here poisoning my own brain.
                                            Or, maybe, you're saving your life. again.
I'm listening to paranoia like I haven't already dealt with it.
                           boxing it, me, up doesn't count as dealing with ****
........I'm scared.
                                                and that, exactly, is why we're still here

I'm safe here, I'm just fooling myself, right?
                    absolutely, but i'd check every door three times a night
If no one can get in, I'm totally safe.
                              well, there's the people already inside this place...
My mom would never lay a hand on me.
                   of course not; nor would your brother, so option three...
This is ridiculous. The stupidest thing I've thought yet.
                         that's what everyone says right up till the first threat

I'm not going to deal with this.
                                                          tha­t's fine; you'll be sorely missed
I'm grasping at straws and it's pitiful
                                                         ­  or perhaps, **** near insightful
I'm going to sleep, I'm stronger than this nonsense
                                   but you sleep so deeply, where's your defense?
I hate this. I hate this. Why am I thinking this ****?
                       *it's because you're right, you are, you ******* know it

Earth may try to break you
And Life, she'll try to take you
Love may live without you
And Silence my let the pain through

But Nature will love you kindly
And restore all you've lost
You're a creature of the Earth
Of nature hard and soft

Stress may do you badly
And Anxiety may wrack your bones
Apathy may take you gladly
And Tears may drag you from home

But Wind and Water will grow you
Laughter and Love will heal you
The Sun will hold and cradle you
And let Joy come through

Don't let the Fire take you
Don't follow behind Regret
You're a spirit of Nature herself
An Earth sprite born and bred.

Craving interaction
Some sort of relationship
But never finding much
In this caricature of happiness

Lost but still searching
Considering the end
Yet never reaching finality
Without the needed confidence

Ragged cries of 'Help'
So scared, so lonely
Would give anything for a friend
Without the shallow ceremony

Please, help
Loss of common sense
People just aren't worth the effort
The fog of failure is so dense

Realizations in blue ink
Revelations written red
Hopes and dreams in yellow
Lay down and go to bed

Assumptions in bright orange
Bitter feelings written green
Colour scars these pages
Accented in screams

Vibrant hues straight from the vein
And onto the perception of reality
Force the depression down again
Let the façade run free

This isn't life at all
This isn't what should be
Colour scars these pages
The shades of insanity

Reaching out for help
And latching to an apparition
And
              Falling
                                Falling
  ­                                               Falling
                                                         ­          Fading from existence
                                                       ­           
                                                                ­   Hopeless desperation
                                                     ­              Quiet loneliness
                                                      ­             Stark disappointment
                                                  ­                 Life shouldn't be like this
                                                            ­        
                                                        ­           Whispers in the dark
                                                            ­       Of what the end could mean
                                                            ­       Careful consideration
                                                   ­                Let the colour bleed
                                                                ­  
                                                                ­   Hatred marked in violet
                                                          ­         Pain in large steaks of white
                                                           ­        Final blue-inked realizations
                                                    ­               Goodbye and goodnight

Mondays
When I oversleep
Forget to eat
And fall out of seats

Mondays
When they hate on gays
"What *******" they say
And reject all change

Mondays
When the people are biased
And no one's ever quiet
And the children rebel and riot

Mondays
When people are killed
For someone else's thrills
Against loved one's wills

Mondays
I say
But, in truth,
It's everyday.

Though none of those who should know me have
Shown any indication that they see
Though those with whom I should be safe
Have never spared the time of day on me
I come to them broken now
I come knowing they may never read
I come to them shattered, beaten down
And this is my plea:

Save me, save me
Don't save me, please
I've lived and loved
And none of it came free

Hold me, hold me
Don't hold me at all
I've cried and tried
To break my own fall

And it's now that they open their eyes
And yet, they do not see
But it's now that I've had enough
Of survival and surviving
I'm ready to stop my heart
I'm prepared, never again, to sing
I'm ready to still my hand
And this is my plea:

Love me, love me
Don't love me, I beg
Until my blood is cold
And the last nail is in my coffin

Forgive me, I'm sorry
Don't accept my apologies
Or read the letter I will write
In the dawn of the morning

It is now that I consider how
Best to spare myself pain
Who will attend my funeral and
Who will attend my wake
It is now that I contemplate
The shock of the unfortunate
Who may find my lifeless body
Long after I've sent myself away.

I will not beg for a savior
I do not require pity
I will not be persuaded to stay here
Not in the country, suburbs, or city
I will not think on those who will hurt
For what I've decided or the words I've spoken
I am shattered irreparably
I will leave as I came: broken.

She came into my life like an atom bomb
Annihilating every concept I'd molded.
She left my life like a cough fades
Harsh, but too gradually for me to notice.

He came into my life like the transition of seasons
And I was awed as I watched it happen.
He left my life like a collision of cars
Horrifying, but to quick for a reaction.

She came into my life like the morning sun
And I was awed as I watched it happen.
She's in my life as a ray of hope
Like a sinner's sweet redemption.

He came into my life like a shattered stained-glass window
All edges and cracks and broken beauty.
He fought my grasp with comparisons and words
Until I simply stopped holding and let him be.

She came into my life like a reflection in negative:
Completely me in every sense save color.
She gripped to my life the way I did to hers
Because we understand like no other.

He came into my life like a god to humanity
Ethereal and shocking, a showstopper, a freak.
He left my life like a punch to the gut
Unexpected as it stole the breath from me.

She came into my life like a drop of sour lime
Contaminating the sweets I wanted to savor.
She lingered in my life like a pungent reek
No matter how I try, I can't be rid of her.

He came into my life like sight to the blind.
She left like the stubborn scent of lavender.
He came into my life like a wounded animal.
She left like a shooting stars motion-blur.

I came into life with a whisper and a frown.
I came into life, hands outstretched to ****.
I came into life with all the knowledge I'll posses.
I came into life against my own will.

They come and they go in firework bursts of time.
They affect who I am like the smoke leaving ashes behind.
They come and they go in Kodak flashes of memory.
They affect my growth like acid water to a sapling.

There's beauty in the cloudy glass of lifeless eyes.
There's hideousness in the taught rope of blood ties.
There's peace in the chaos of rampaging thought.
There's madness in the lucidity of a single gun shot.

Life is gifted only to those clueless on how to live it.
Death visits those who know it far too well.
Life is fickle, a trickster without conscience.
Death is decided, a guide to the warmth of Hell.

Humans are wise with the possession of neglected logic.
Humans are wise with the knowledge of priority.
Humans are ignorant in the abundance of prejudice.
Humans are ignorant in the concept of conformity.

We are a small sample of the incorrect way to exist.
We revel and bathe in our wrong and enjoy it.
We are cutoff from what may be an intelligent universe.
The cancer of the galaxies, we are Earth.

Beyond this planet
Beyond this galaxy
Beyond the Andromeda
Is a blissful unity.

This galaxy is an ant under a magnifying glass
And to the galaxy of universes of cosmos
We are an experiment of exponential proportions
Intriguing from a distance and nauseating up close.

Our galaxy is a mobile hanging over a child's cradle
And, ignorant to this, we see ourselves as its center.
Should the child wake and the mobile cease to spin
Earth would end and, unconcerned, we would let her.

We came into Earth like molasses poison
And eroded at everything we found fit to touch.
We leave Earth like a disease cowed by the immune system
Though we are far too numerous to be hurt overmuch.

Zeroing in to see a face in through the violent cold fronts
There is naught but fear and pain to describe us.
Stepping back to see the entirety of this planet's sickness
There is little to see save bags of organs and blood and dust.

There is more than one that sees the futility in twenty-two billion lungs
There are others that know the worthlessness of eleven billion hearts beating
There is more than one that hopes for eleven billion lasts
There are others that see an Earth red and bleeding.

It is no wonder we do not know our own beginning.
It is no accident we are intrigued by our lack of meaning.
It is not unpredicted that we only see as far as our arms can reach.
It is not unbelievable that we cannot excel beyond our means.

Welcome to the void of complication in our simplicity.
Welcome to a glimpse of metaphysical existential reality.
Welcome to an explanation of the current and that far gone.
Welcome to a belief twenty-two stanzas far too long.

It's the ones that get a hit, maybe two
That'll shred your soul apart
It's the poets with followers a few
Who's writing pierces the heart.

It's the poems that you can't believe aren't trending
That are worth a read and then another
It's the poems that are beautiful and rending
That should be on this site's cover.

If you've been here before you know the tone
That I took four years ago when I began posting poems
It's a tone and topic I'd thought I'd finally grown past
I am dishearted and disappointed when I once again ask:

Why am I alive?
I see no purpose, no joy, no fun in life.
What am I doing here?
Why didn't I end it long before this year?

I am tired. I am impossibly tired and I will be tired impossibly longer
I am done. I want it to end. I am ready to end. I have grown no stronger.
I am still as weak as the child with a knife and far too much strife to stay
I am little more than I was, with the addition of love that wears on me every day.

Why am I alive?
I am no longer despondent when I ponder this.
Why do I exist?
I can't be bothered to breathe with this emptiness.

This will be my last poem for some time, I can't bear to read through my own thoughts.
This will be my existence for more time, I can't make happiness from what is not.
Thank you for reading and commenting and being the sweet people of a poetry site.
I will be here, in a day or a year, to regale you with more of my thoughts of life.

There is form Here
Form, chance, life
Might I leave it for the after?
Might I trade for the steady?
Shall I walk the roads of eternity,
Forever calm in memory?
Shall I make myself malleable,
Finitely changing upon the whistle of whim?
Mayhaps I should linger Here
And feel the dread of existentialism
And wonder forever more.
Mayhaps I should search for an answer
Beyond the void of eternity
Beyond the vertigo of life.
And wonder I will as I wander
Into the future ever yonder
Searching for meaning
Reaching for sense
And may I find knowledge
That I might lay it to rest Here
Where we have all begun
Where we might all end.

Build this structure block by block
He was intriguing, infinitely appealing,
Building his way to the quiet peace of the top.

Build this city block by block
He was outspokenly subdued, a mystery to grip to
A tower, a steady force, a rock.

Build this utopia block by block
He was terrific, immaculately deific,
Captivating in the only way humans are not.

Build this Elysium block by block
Oh, I think you know him not, I think you may be all talk,
These palace gates will ever remain locked.

Build this friendship block by block
Oh, I think I know him not, oh I know I can't run nor walk,
But I am certain I want to be caught.

That one decision could inspire hope,
I never thought, I never knew; I hadn't the slightest clue,
This is what saved me; how I cope.

I'll build this life block by block
Thank you, I was on the edge, I was through,
Block by simple block until time finally stops.

I'm sort of sick
Of hating you
But loving you is too cliche

I'm just a bit over
Ignoring you
But talking is overrated

I'm so far past
Writing you poetry
This is the exception

I'm just a bit beyond
Trying to get you
Because I'd hate to lose you

I'm not one for valuables
As valuables are stolen
And it breaks my heart

Should I ever get you
The thief would theive
The robber would rob
The hitman would hit
The assassin, assassinate
The seductress, ******

And I would lose you
As I lose everything else
So I won't have you at all

Because I'm above liking your eyes
No matter how they shine
When you laugh so brightly

I'm not one to treat you right
Though I would hold the doors
And take the bill

I'm too good to watch you
While I memorize the words
You say in your own little way

I'm to great for your problems
But if you confided in me
I'd be your greatest ally

And I'm far too good for these tears
Because I've not lied about a single thing
Not a single thing I've written here

I have people to support and impress and make proud
I don't have the time or funds to afford breaking down
So don't take me seriously when I consider the knives too long
I'm an adult now, won't use the pain, am convinced it's wrong

But I do bleed pretty.

I bleed deep red, it's mesmerizing, stains the floor and bed
I bleed like molasses, slow drops hit the ground like lead
I crackle like a fireworks display, bubble up into vertigo
My vision gets hazy and the colors smear and the light glows

But everything gets better and I'm completely reformed
I'm no longer lonely or depressed or feeling unbearably worn
I don't choke back sobs when I'm in a crowd or at home
I don't stare at nothing and feel impossibly alone

But I do bleed pretty.

Now, I'd never touch a knife, never would go back to those days
When blood meandered down my arm in a thousand different ways
I'd never think twice, never consider diving into pain
And no knife on earth calls with a sugar-sweet whisper of my name

I am happy in what and where I've chosen, would never trade
I have no second thoughts, regrets, no uncertain days
I enjoy life, can't begin to fathom why I ever wanted it to end
I am satisfied with the lack of people I have to call friends

But I do bleed pretty.

A drop on the floor becomes a puddle so fast it intrigues me
One towel becomes four, it still smells like copper, isn't clean
The sound of a blade gently coaxing skin apart is bliss
Only heard when blood rushes in and out and all is quiet.

I do bleed pretty.

Drown me in a sea
Of your affection
Raise me on a cloud
And send me in any direction

Hold me in your arms
Chase away the nightmares
Release me into joy
In a land of light with no fear

And I'll hold you
I'll love you more than I thought I could
I'll see this relationship through
I'll love you just the way I should
I'll keep you closer
Than I ever thought you'd be
And we'll stay this way
For blissful eternity

Show me all the little things
That I would never notice alone
Present me to the outdoors
Then take me back home

Fly me to ethereal realities
And watch me explore them like a child
Take me where you wish me to be
Reveal my true self: free and wild

And I'll hold you
I'll love you more than I thought I could
I'll see this relationship through
I'll love you just the way I should
I'll keep you closer
Than I ever thought you'd be
And we'll stay this way
For blissful eternity

And we'll stay this way
For blissful eternity...

When you've walked the ground you do not know
When you've sewn the seeds you saw fit to sow
When you've run so fast you must go slow
When you've had many highs and just as many lows

I'll be wishing you home cross the land and sea
I'll be wishing you back to where you first left me
I'll be wishing you home to where we'll both be happy
I'll be wishing you home to me

When you've see all those people you dreamed to meet
When you've made all the money to live a life sweet
When you've cried all the tears and soaked the bed sheets
When you're to sad to cry and too tired to sleep

I'll be wishing you home, calling you loud and clear
I'll be wishing you back to my love and cheer
I'll be sending my love to bring you back here
I'll be wishing you home, my dear

When you've smiled all the smiles that will ever grace your face
When you've lived all the lives  that were given the human race
When you've grown sick of genuine and even sicker of fake
When you given all you can give and taken all you can take

I'll be wishing you back here, wishing you home
I'll be wishing to see how much you've grown
I'll be wishing to hear of the places you roamed
I'll be wishing you, wishing you home.

We've written volumes
In blood and scars and ink
We've told a million stories
Thought a million things
We've lived some hundred lives
Laughed our faces pink
And we did all just because,
Mischievous little minx

Imagine if you'd never spoken
Never showed me who you are
Imagine if you'd been quiet
And never helped me with wolf lore
(I'm grateful, by the way)
Imagine if you hadn't stayed
Then imagine how you did
And then reach out to feel me
Because I'm not leaving
And neither are you
We've got humor and care
(And your pain-******* hoodoo)
So when we get old
We'll smile and think
And reread the volumes we wrote
In blood and scars and ink