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Dec 2017 · 424
We are one
Pastell dichter Dec 2017
We are one
       My dear.
         My love.

We are one
Stumbling over joined sentences
Finishing each other's jokes

We are a ball of yarn that was once two,
So tangled and convoluted that we don't know where one begins and another ends.
I know your habits back to front
I know exactly what will make you feel better

Too many nights I have stayed up taking care of you
Too few have you done the same
When I need you most you're not there

I want to believe that I am fine
That I am fine with you
Being just like me

We love the same things
We laugh at the same jokes
We are one
But I lose myself in them
Maybe being one isn't a good thing

I wish you knew
How many dreams
I crushed because I wanted you to have them

I complete you

But sometimes
                It feels
                     like you
                           don't complete
me
I haven't been feeling great about my relationship lately and every time I try to fix it they refuse to help. It's not their fault but sometimes I get lost in them because we are the same.
Dec 2017 · 309
Alone in a crowd
Pastell dichter Dec 2017
I'm at a party
I feel alone
I shouldn't but the empty seeps in like quicksand
and
I'm
drowning
in
my
thoughts

I'm at a movie
a friend and my partner beside me
bright screen
loud sounds
they are holding my hands
but I'm floating above us
not
really
there

I'm laying in bed with them
my partner
my dear
they are holding my hand and playing with my hair
my vision blurs
its fading
alone next to my love

It's not your fault
I don't know whats wrong
but
I
feel
alone
in
a
crowd
its hard to understand my brain
I feel alone sometimes. when I shouldnt
Nov 2017 · 418
I’m here
Pastell dichter Nov 2017
For the broken
For the lost
For the confused

I’m here

For those who need a hand to hold
For those curled up in a ball on the floor
For the scared

I’m here

I will hold your hand
I will help you up
I will stand up for you

I’m here
I’m here for anyone who needs help
Nov 2017 · 267
Hello again
Pastell dichter Nov 2017
Hello to old friends and hello to new ones
I’ve been gone but now I’m back
And I won’t be going anywhere anytime soon
I’m a bit rusty and disused but with some work I’ll be as good as new
Hello all. I’ve been gone for a long time because of my mental health but ive been getting better so hopefully this will be the first of many more poems to come
Mar 2017 · 468
Stupid brain
Pastell dichter Mar 2017
I wish I could say someone broke me
But that's not the case at all.
I wish I could say that someone dropped me and watched me fall
But that would be a lie
The only one to blame
Is me, myself and I and my stupid ******* brain.
Jan 2017 · 538
different
Pastell dichter Jan 2017
Wanting to be a different person is hard because I want to be a ***** with blond hair and blue eyes and to have a big strong boyfriend.
But I also want tattoos and pale skin and to shave the sides of my head and dress in button ups and ties and to have a deep voice.
Or I could be tall and thin with long hair and a skirt and a cute voice and big sweaters and a little fluff.
But I also want to be a boy with a broken heart to mend and wear makeup and to fix myself.
But
I'm none of these
I'm a person who wants more
I want to be different
But I'm just me
And I'm getting better at liking just me
Nov 2016 · 1.7k
poem
Pastell dichter Nov 2016
Some poems are hard, I just don’t know what to write
the words stick in the back of my head
and refuse to form sentences and lines.
I sit and wait and hope for the words but
they are lost in the jumble that is my thoughts
like a tangled ball of yarn I have to untangle it piece by piece

and hope it is usable and not just a pile of ruined thoughts.
it reminds me of knitting a sweater
stitch by stitch, word by word, it comes together
and after work and some time it makes
a beautiful thing to be worn and showed off,
but sometimes it fails and falls apart

it unravels in my hands and the hard work
that I have put my love into is lost  
it crumbles like a cliff into the sea
making waves that crash and wreck my body
leaving it helpless and crumpled
like the ball of paper I threw on the floor.

a small white ball on a grey floor,
the beauty of it hits me and I find my inspiration
it’s something simple but isn’t all beauty simple?
the curl of hair on a lover stretched out like a cat in the sun
moonlight floating through the window
falling on a pale white limb so much like the paper

with scribbles and crossed out lines
the paper is beautiful, damaged yes
but beautiful none the less, like a body
with curves and waves and endings and beginnings
scars and stretch marks pail in the dark
shining like tears on the cheek of a girl who lost

lost a parent, or a love, or lost the part of her
that cried “you are beautiful
“you are loved, it’s okay not to be okay
“as long as you rise up again and what ever
you do, do not forget who you are”
it is beauty plain and simple

and as you read my piece of paper
with the lost poem of the girl who fell apart you’ll see
its simple the floor is the sky and the word are stars
trying a specific form of poem.
Nov 2016 · 2.3k
"I am beautiful, I am black"
Pastell dichter Nov 2016
A little girl
A little girl with dark skin and curly hair
Bullied
Hurt
Called names because of how she was born
A mother
A shining beacon of light
Loving and caring
Writes words on paper
"I am beautiful, I am black"
The little girl reads
"I am smart. I am funny"
A smile
"I am vibrant. I am kind"
A laugh
"I am honest. I am helpful. I am graceful. I am nice. I am proud to be brown. I am magical, unbreakable, and confident.”
These words brought tears to my eyes
And I am sure that she will do great things
a news related poem for school
https://www.buzzfeed.com/kassycho/people-love-what-this-mom-did-for-her-daughter-after-she-was?utm_term=.ckZVbwGYNW#.btzmkMOojB
you should totally check this out it was amazing
Oct 2016 · 757
I'll see you tonight
Pastell dichter Oct 2016
Her tears still lingered on my collarbone
The sobs that wracked her body still linger
The soft plee of "let me stay" unspoken
Her mother arrived
The car started
It drove away taking her with
"I'll see you tonight" I promised
I will see her
I promise
Aug 2016 · 2.3k
Stitches
Pastell dichter Aug 2016
Stitches |
                                      |in a ripped
   seam of |
                               |a mask.
     Needle|
                                     |and thread
    holding|
                                 |together
          false|
                                |feeli­ngs
            of a|
                               |broken
demeanor|
                   |.
Aug 2016 · 486
Real
Pastell dichter Aug 2016
Words    
                                                                ­        on
                                            a            
                                                                ­      white
                                              screen    
                                                                ­          .
                                                how      
      ­                                                           do
                                    you            
            ­                                                              eve­n
                                                 know    
                                                        ­           I'm
                                           real        
                                                                ­     ?
Jul 2016 · 433
My depression
Pastell dichter Jul 2016
youre just a **** up*
a nothing
a no one
no one cares
she didn't really love you
just one cut
just one
Shut up
do it
Shut up
there. Like that
No
good
No
*good girl
Jul 2016 · 432
Drug
Pastell dichter Jul 2016
You are my drug
I keep coming back for more
I need you every night
And if I don't get you I go crazy
Please don't make me go crazy
I might hurt myself
Jul 2016 · 549
Light
Pastell dichter Jul 2016
We're all little lights in the darkness
Will you be my light?
Because my lights gone out
I feel lighter when I'm with you
Please don't let your light go out
Jun 2016 · 509
Too much
Pastell dichter Jun 2016
It's too loud
Too bright
Too much
Too many people
Too much noise
Please shut up
shut up
Shut your stinking mouths
Your lips moving
And blathering on
Spit flying
Toung working
Words spilling out like a leaking pipe
I don't care about your stupid problems
Can't you ***** just shut up?
Pounding head like a hammer slamming into a nail
Aching
Hurting
Sore throat
Like sandpaper on smooth stone
I had to stay quiet
I was talked over
No one heard me
No one would hear me if I screamed for help
Or if they did would they care?
Jun 2016 · 402
Alone
Pastell dichter Jun 2016
I'm sitting right next to her
But she feels a thousand miles away
I'm alone
She is looking at me with loving eyes
But I can't feel her love
All I feel is empty
And alone
So alone
Please
Just kiss me
Hold me
Help me
I'm begging
Help me
We are at a camp and its the last day and I feel so alone. It's not your fault. I'm sorry.
Jun 2016 · 695
No reason
Pastell dichter Jun 2016
I have no reason to be "sad"
I should be fine
I've been around friends
And my sweetheart
But I'm not happy
I'm down in the dumps
I'm at rock bottom
I just want to go home
And curl up in a ball and sleep
Watch supernatural
And snuggle my baby girl
Please let me go home
Jun 2016 · 302
why?
Pastell dichter Jun 2016
why does it matter anymore?
what is the point of struggling?
why do I even try?
the happiness eludes me
there are no more bright days and warm nights
only the heavy heat of depression
the dark shadow just behind me
lurking
waiting
Jun 2016 · 527
Away
Pastell dichter Jun 2016
Just a few days then I can runaway with you
Off to the mountains
To the forest
Away from everyone
And everything
I can't wait to runaway
My sweetheart and I are going to a camp in Oregon in 4 days
Pastell dichter May 2016
The first thing you should know is that he doesn't care
He shows up randomly and doesn't wipe his feet off or help around the house
He whispers to me how much he loves me but then he turnes his back when I need him most
He wants me to eat and then tells me I'm fat and ugly
He keeps me in bed way past when I should have got up
He forces himself apon me and makes me swallow him down
He screames at me and then when I try to tell someone about it he gags me and won't let me leave my house
He tears apart my life
He tells me about all the things my friends say about me,
That they think I'm worthless,
That I'm nothing
He said that he is the only one who loves me
He gives me little presents of cuts and scars,
bruises along my les and arms
He kisses me goodnight and wakes me up in the middle of the dark to scream about that stupid thing I said to the guy at the store
He uses me for his own pleasure and leaves me broken and lost
He lurks over my shoulder and scares off my friends
He pulls me to the bottom of the pit and kicks me,
Ribs snapping like twigs,
Flesh and skin tearing like paper,
Tears flowing like a river.
May 2016 · 558
Walls
Pastell dichter May 2016
I paint my walls because I think maybe it's the blue that I grew up with that is making my feel so awful
I cover the walls with pictures of better times and brighter smiles because I think that maybe if I put up memories of happy times that maybe I will forget all the blood these walls have seen
I hang things up and cover the celing in stars so I will stop crying myself to sleep every night
I put up pictures of you to remember that it will be okay
I put up fairy light to hide the scars on my leg
I open the window to air out my sorrows and release my deamons
But it doesn't work
Nothing does
May 2016 · 961
Thank you
Pastell dichter May 2016
She assaults me with words and feelings I can't deal with and then says I should thank her more often
Sure let me thank you for breaking my clean
Let me thank you for making me want to cut
Yes please I would like to spend my day looking for razor blades
Thank you for making me throw up
Thank you for the nightly tears
The yelling
The fighting
The blaming
The self hate
Thank you mother for giving me my depression on a silver platter
And then asking me to thank you
May 2016 · 1.0k
my armor
Pastell dichter May 2016
you are my armor
my shield against all things bad and harmful
I'm sorry I use you to block the arrows that are hateful comments and quiet sinister whispers
but when I'm in your arms I'm safe wrapped up in my armor
May 2016 · 451
You where my first
Pastell dichter May 2016
You where my first kiss
My first love
My first life line  
After the convention, when I found out I was happier that I had ever been, you are always there for me.
You where my first song
My first thought this morning
My first wish that came true
A melody that last hours, I wanted you to be here to wake up to, I wished with all my heart.
You where my first dance
My first prom
My first laugh in the face of fear
The first time I had a reason too, well not yet but soon, I'm scared you'll leave but I know it's true and I don't care.
You where my first babe.
It's a work in progress so there will be a later one.
Apr 2016 · 452
runaway
Pastell dichter Apr 2016
Tuesday the 26th of April
one of the worst days of my life
I woke up and felt the dread of the day
hanging over me like a dark cloud
I cried till my head hurt
and refused food
I ran away from my problems  
and now my *** hurts from all the walking
but the good part came after the throwing up
after the sobbing and screaming
it was when the sky was turning dark
and the stars where coming out
I ended up as a broken mess
at my big brothers house
sobbing and shaking
begging for it to be over
he held me close
and helped me get to the other side of my pain
I was fed and washed
and by the end of the night I was better
I was clean and full
and I got to see my sweetheart
so I thank my big bro
I love you so much
I had a really ****** day and thought that running would help me but now my *** hurts. but my big bro took care of me and help me get better. thank you EJ.
Apr 2016 · 330
falling
Pastell dichter Apr 2016
Im falling so fast
I'm spinning out of control
I can feel the blood rushing
I'm falling into a black hole
Why can't I be happy
I just wanted to smile
Say hello to my blades
It has been a while
I'm falling to quickly
Sorry love I tried
But the dark is back
Its time my light died
Apr 2016 · 366
change
Pastell dichter Apr 2016
I need to change
I don't know if that means taking a break from you
Or eating more chocolate
I need to be happy
I can't live with the pain in my chest
It needs to stop
I'm sorry
Apr 2016 · 271
yet
Pastell dichter Apr 2016
yet
I want
to wright poetry that makes you cry and think about thing that you aren't comfortable with
but I'm not that good
yet
Apr 2016 · 597
Heartache
Pastell dichter Apr 2016
I miss you so bad
My chest hurts everyone I think of you
I broke down and cried and I couldn't stop
It just hurt so bad
And I know I should be grateful because I get to see you
But I can't when the dull ache in my chest won't go away
I ******* hate this
I feel so weak
But I love you
Apr 2016 · 940
Slow motion
Pastell dichter Apr 2016
It's like I'm stuck in slow motion
Trying to catch up but unable to
Trying to be like everyone else
But I can't
Apr 2016 · 3.8k
I wanna help
Pastell dichter Apr 2016
I wish I could help you
I wanna help people
I wanna help you
I wanna help my big brother
I wanna help my mom
And I wanna help me
But I don't know how
I wanna learn
How to help you
Apr 2016 · 4.4k
tick tock
Pastell dichter Apr 2016
bored
so ******* bored
tick
...
tock
...
tick
...
tock
I want to smash that stupid clock
time drags on like a dress caught in thorns
pulling at the soft fabric
tick
...
tock
...
tick
...
tock
thats it
time to die
******* clock
Apr 2016 · 330
beautiful one
Pastell dichter Apr 2016
you are beautiful
yes you
lost one
dark one
alone one
you may be lost
but you can be found again
you may have dark
but your light will bleed through if you let it
you are not alone
no matter what you think
you are not alone
you have me
I'm here for you
beautiful one
strong one
you are beautiful
Apr 2016 · 1.2k
Bathroom floor
Pastell dichter Apr 2016
I'm curled up on the bathroom floor
Wishing for something more
But what it is I do not know
Maybe love or a way to show,
My bleeding heart, the shattered glass
I hope this feeling will pass
Maybe a blade stained with red
Or a way out of my broken head
I'm gonna try to sleep  
So off to my bed I creep
Goodnight
Sleep tight
Goodbye
Don't cry, for me
I'll be free
Apr 2016 · 402
heart
Pastell dichter Apr 2016
my heart is breaking
it hurts so bad
help me piece it back together
Apr 2016 · 492
you deserve
Pastell dichter Apr 2016
you deserve to be happy
to be loved
to smile and laugh
you deserve every happy moment I have ever had
and that is a life time of happy moments
if I could I would take all my happy and bottle it
slip it into your tea when your not looking
just so I could see you smile
because you deserve to not be afraid of your dark
of what you might or might not do
because I love you
I want to help you
please let me
you deserve to get better
Apr 2016 · 352
today
Pastell dichter Apr 2016
sun shine
blue skies
bright days
laughter
happy
for now
Apr 2016 · 1.3k
Me
Pastell dichter Apr 2016
Me
I used to think I was different
special
weird
but I'm not
I read and paint
I sew and write poetry
I look after little kids
and I love
I'm a gay 15 year old with a girlfriend
I watch anime and read fanfic
I roleplay and cosplay
but so do my friends I am just like them
I'm not different
I am a cookie cutter
just like everybody else
and after telling myself I was weird for 15 years
its hard to be normal
I don't know what to do
I want to be different
but I'm not
Apr 2016 · 534
bad dream
Pastell dichter Apr 2016
imagine your best friend
the one you look up to
the one who's been there for you every step of the way
and your lover
your moon and stars
your light.
are gone
replaced by someone else
in their body
and you don't know what to do
and your shaking so badly
you are scared
so so scared
you feel like a little girl again
and your hopping to the gods that this is all a bad dream
just a bad dream
Apr 2016 · 369
help
Pastell dichter Apr 2016
i feel like I'm falling into a dream
where my best friends are strange memories
and i can't bring them back
and I'm a little girl again shaking with fear
how do you get you girlfriend and best friend back
when they are controlled by something
i don't know what to do
Apr 2016 · 3.3k
you are
Pastell dichter Apr 2016
you are my heart beat
you saved me
you are my light
and I know its cheesy
but you are my world
you are my everything
I love you
you are my sky
you are my moon
you are the warm sunshine on a summer day
you are my love
Apr 2016 · 683
my brain
Pastell dichter Apr 2016
life
no
maybe
flowers and sunshine
light green trees
why? because life is one big spinning wheel of happy and sad
the flowers shine in the dark glowing softly against the green grass
i don't know what I'm righting but oh well
words scribbled on old paper drawn with an old crayon
life death nonononono yes? no
okay
I'm fine
I'm fine
I'm fine
just kidding
I'm not  
time to bow and leave the stage with a fake grin plastered on my face
goodnight
Apr 2016 · 549
I'm tired
Pastell dichter Apr 2016
I'm tired.
Of watching life pass me by without a second glance,
I'm tired.
Of being a back seat driver of my own story,
I'm tired.
Of seeing my happiness come and go fading like smoke on a cold day,
I'm tired.
Of staying up late every night and waking to the belles of lunch,
I'm tired.
Of the same dark like the deep pools of ink in the black night,
I'm tired.
Of life,
Of pain,
I can't do it anymore.
I have to change.
Goodbye to my pain.
I will not miss you.
Mar 2016 · 1.0k
Leather jacket
Pastell dichter Mar 2016
I'm naked sitting on my bed
Wrapped in an old leather jacket
Bad thoughts running through my head
I lay there and think **** it
Maybe I'm not ment for this planet
So I let the tears frame my face
My body as cold as granite
As I quietly slip into empty space
Mar 2016 · 563
Tears trace
Pastell dichter Mar 2016
Tears trace their way down her cheeks
The pain in her heart is to much to take
She sits in the dark and lest the pain take over
The pain
The throbbing pain like a wild beast in a too small cage unable to stop its pacing
Claws digging into tender flesh
She weeps and wants to let the poor beast out
She wishes for a way for the trapped animal to escape

She understands what she must do
But she is scared
Her body shivers at the thought
But it's the only way
She picks up the blade and slits her wrists
Her blood pooling on the bathroom floor
The beast inside screams in pain and then calms down
Sitting and waiting to see what's next
Her blood red like fire and as deep as the dark gushes out of her slim wrists
She is fading life slipping away
And the beast is closer to being free
As she takes her last breath a tiger orange like sunsets with red marks around his eyes appears before her
He looks her in the eye and bows
Acknowledging her pain and torment
All of the dark days she has endured
Every night of tears
He stands upright
And starts to fade
Her vision is going
Her life is gone
She closes her eyes for the last time
Never to be opened again

That night the neighbors heard a sound
Like a great beast morning the lost of a friend
Mar 2016 · 387
I'm so fucking sorry
Pastell dichter Mar 2016
I'm so ******* sorry
After 3 months I could not take it anymore
I failed you
I lost the fight
There is blood on my thigh
I just wanted to be better so bad
Please anybody
Help me
And if you can
Forgive me
I'm so ******* sorry
Mar 2016 · 3.0k
I don't want to survive
Mar 2016 · 510
Home
Pastell dichter Mar 2016
Home, let me come home
Please I'm begging you
Home is wherever I'm with you
It is it truly is
Our home, yes, I am home,
Dear please let me go home
Home is when I’m alone with you*
Help me go home
Mar 2016 · 630
Cracked heart
Pastell dichter Mar 2016
It takes a million time longer to put yourself back together than it does to fall apart
Cuz everybody's got a cracked heart
Mar 2016 · 286
oh well
Pastell dichter Mar 2016
My heart just drove away in a purple/red car
And now I think I have a new scar
I should not have let it affect me as much as it did
But now I feel like crying, who am i trying to kid?
Oh well
I'm just swell
I love you so
But I had to let you go
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