I've never been great at writing in a happy tone;
In a world this crazy how could anyone?
But with these bittersweet memories refreshed in my mind,
I can't help but to smile looking back over the road that brought me here.
Most people, when asked about the most life-changing thing they've been through
Are unsure of an answer.
But I can honestly say that I know mine
It shaped my character, helped me understand reality, and truly see the people and world surrounding.
It's funny to look back to the times where I felt like quitting,
All the moments of anxiety and frustration were all worth it.
Because now all I want is to be back where I was,
With those who grew to be a huge part of my life;
My family.

These scars lay on my skin
Delicately placed by surgical blades
Carefully crafted into my skin
They are art
They are a part of me
As always
I love these residual lacerations
This brail across my body
Telling my story for me
To those primed to receive it
The soft pink tissue raises slightly on my right
Agitated and stretched
Red from my inability to afford
Additional healing time away from work
Imperfect
Uneven
Visible
Beautiful
I love these pieces of myself
I love watching their journey
Through recovery and lifting
Feeling the changes tingle across my skin
As my body begins to trust me again

Ice burns my chest
As I scramble to find a heartbeat
Frozen bones against cold skin
I feel my pulse echo into me
I know I'm still alive
But inside it's only emptiness
Fires raged within me once
Leaving behind nothing but ash
My heart, my soul
Blown away in the wind
I am lost and alone
Free, but still the same
My body aches at the memory
Of shackles holding me down
I never knew my escape
Could cause this much pain
Simply trapped in new binds
I don't know what freedom is
Life is a sick and twisted game
Where I get to choose my path
But what good is a decision
When it all leads to death
I cannot picture my future
But my past is loud and clear
How can I keep moving forward
When I'm barely a part of the present
I know I have to build my own life
But all of the tools are breaking
What a privilege it is
To pick my own poison

We used to text all the time
We hated texting
But we always wanted to talk
Now my phone is silent

We used to say these cute things
Like I love you forever
And I'll never leave
And now it just sounds forced

We used to always want to sleep together
Talking all night
And cuddling close
And now we're canceling plans

You say your feelings won't change
But our interactions have
These seemingly small details
Feel like everything for me
And being around you doesn't feel the same
Because I know you've been with her
She's probably more fun than me
Especially with all the negative **** I'm feeling
So how can I blame you for bringing her up in stories
When I can barely look at you

Three and a half years ago
I met the girl who became my first love
I hadn't had much experience with love
So I didn't know when it became toxic
I transformed from straight-edge
To blacking out and blackening my lungs
I would have married her
But she left and
It ended up being a blessing is disguise

Two and a half years ago
I entered into a relationship
While I didn't feel too much
I thought she would be my forever
We got engaged
But I was afraid
And I made a choice out of fear
I left
Not literally but emotionally
And then it all ended
I turned into the toxic person I hated

Almost four months ago
I reconnected with an old flame
We grew from destruction
But the love grew onward nonetheless
We hit a rough patch when I needed free love
She still gave it a chance and
I couldn't be happier

Over a year ago
I met my 2nd partner
About four months ago
We finally had a real conversation
And a month later we developed feelings
We're still new and it's intense
Balancing love comes with its challenges
But our capacity to love is beautiful
And we grow individually each day
Experiencing endless firsts together
My first time growing love from friendship
And it's a wonderful change

Four weeks ago
I reestablished a relationship with my ex-fiancé
4 months after our fateful end
We still share so much love
And though we can only connect through text these days
Our emotional bond holds no bounds
Love is love
And she became my third

Three weeks ago
I left my old flame
Because I couldn't handle it anymore
And it wasn't her fault
We both lost touch with the others' needs
She needed me
And I needed space
We were both unhappy
And I chose to run
I still care about her
But I'm sure she hates me now
And I don't blame her for that

A week and a half ago
My ex-fiancé tried to **** herself
I got scared and told her dad
He didn't know we were talking again
But I needed to save her
She appreciated it at first
And then she cut me off
Even though we loved each other
We were hurting each other more
I understand why she left
And I hope she finds happiness
But it still hurts

One week ago
I realized I loved my 2nd partner
Who is now my only partner
We were laying together
I looked into her eyes and just knew
When I'm with her there's nothing but warmth and happiness
Flooding my chest
Electricity runs through my bones when we lock eyes
I knew I'd love her one day
But I didn't think I'd be IN love with her
Every day is an experience
And though it's hard
I wouldn't want to go through it with anyone else

Today
I am still growing
I am not perfect by any means
And I am not defined by my relationships
But they have helped shape me as a person
Free love has been hard
These past years have been intense
And I am trying to learn from my mistakes
I am learning to love myself through them
To forgive myself
While still recognizing the pain my choices have caused
I am sorry to those I have hurt
I really am trying
I still love you all
But where we are in life no longer aligns
I wish you nothing but the best

When I was a kid
I used to lip-sync in the mirror
Dancing around and
Breathing in the words
Even back then
Nothing inspired me more than music
Interestingly though
It could only be songs by men
I could still jam to women's songs
But I couldn't watch myself do it
It gave me a lot of anxiety to see
Those beautiful feminine voices
Matched to the way my mouth moved
I didn't understand it back then

Tis the season of Christmas music
So I decided to check on Pentatonix
Excited to see a new album out
I delve into it a month early
Whenever I hear them singing
I love and appreciate the art
But a part of me craves that one album
Because I know it'll bring me back

It was an interesting point in my life
I loved a girl who loved me and
I asked her dad for his blessing that month
Her homophobic mom invited me to their dinner
I finally felt more accepted
Even though it was super awkward
We were really happy at that point
I honestly don't know what changed
I don't regret it so much as I don't understand

But I do know that Christmastime
Has been extremely difficult ever since
We spent a few weeks at her dads house
In the middle of nowhere
We cut our own Christmas tree and
I bonded with her dad with call of duty
Our sweet kittens played together
And we got a much-needed break from school

It's hard to look back at that time
My heart hurts even though the memories are positive
I miss her a lot sometimes
Mostly because I feel as though
That relationship was unfair to her
I was emotionally unavailable
But I didn't know it
And I know she messed up too but
We both made mistakes in it all
I just sometimes wish I had had
The tools needed to address the problem

I didn't know what was happening
I didn't know what I was feeling
I knew I was unhappy and hurting
But I didn't understand why
I think what's hard about this one
Is that I can retroactively label it all
Unfortunately that doesn't actually match
All of the things that I said back then
I was cruel to her
Because I knew it'd make her let me go
And I needed to be alone and free
But I chose a twisted path to get there
And for that I'm sorry

I love you
And I miss you
And you're barely gone.
I'm worried
And afraid
That you'll walk away.
And if you do
I'll understand
Because I do.
This isn't easy
Life is really hard
We are so so tired.
If I could
I'd give you peace
And all the good things.
And I can't
But I'll try
Until you tell me to go.
Your soul is art
Your existence is a gift
Thank you for letting me in.
I love you
So if it's best for you
I won't make this difficult.
I won't fight you
If you tell me
You can't handle me anymore.
Just know that I care
So much for you
It's beyond words.
I swear
I'd love you forever
If I get the chance.
I wish it was easier
And this didn't hurt you
My love and my light.
No matter what happens
I hope that you know
How important you are to me.
I am here for you,
And for always
I hope you have sweet dreams.

I am so confused.
When I'm near you, it's like my body, electrified, simply wants to collide with yours. Not even in a ****** way, I just want to hold your hand and to walk next to each other with our arms touching.

I had been staring at your hand for probably an hour and all I wanted to do was hold it.
And I knew that was okay because we talked about it,
but I was scared to try.

Yet, when our hands collided, it was pure explosions across my entire body and you felt like home. We were together for hours and it felt like mere minutes.

Your voice and your laugh and your smile are amazing and I would do a lot for that.

It's driving me crazy that it's all in my head
And then I wonder if it really is all in my head
and if I am just that broken

I'm sick of bleeding out for you
When all you do is lead the blade
If they could really see
The scars from the pain you cause
Red rivers would run deep
Encircling my stomach and back
Tearing through these tattoos
Leaving only ripped skin in its path
These tattered pieces of me
It's all I feel like some days
And I couldn't even begin to tell you
Exactly how much hurt you caused
Because you were already crying
Telling me how much you love me
But how it isn't working out
And **** babe
Don't you think I know that?
Don't you know I came here to end it
But what you don't know is
While you left because
You can't handle your feelings for me
I had to leave for myself
Because I can't handle the subtle hits
Of emotional abuse
I've never loved anyone more than you
But I've also never felt so much pain
As when you made decisions for just yourself
As you completely disregarded me
And even though leaving you
Has filled me with undeniable relief
My heart is still broken and bleeding
And right about now
The blood is choking my lungs

Your hand in mine,
I feel grounded
When I'm with you
The stress melts away
My body on yours is electric
Both exciting and calming you say
It still feels so inconceivable
That we met and I've fallen
So hard for your gorgeous soul
Luck and the universe were good to me
Chance and coincidence my allys
And for being a part of your life
I'm grateful beyond words

I am transfixed
Held in place by chains of anxiety
I have gouged their hooks deep into my chest
As if their restraint could keep me safe
Believing the lies that they whisper
That beauty can still grow in a life without risk
But healing has taught me well
Not to trust sermons built from trauma
I can see this trap I've built myself into
And I ask the Universe to guide me through it

These underlying thoughts choke me
telling me that I should **** myself
They drip into my lungs like acid
I breathe to stay alive and it
only makes living hurt worse
I’ve thought about loneliness
and it terrifies me beyond control
because though I seem on my own
these voices don’t let me go
Screaming **** yourself
You’re not good enough
they beg me to be alone
With no one around
they’re free to scream
day and night
relentlessly
And if no one else is near
How could anyone really miss me?

I'll kiss you until my lips are raw
Devotion and passion as if to god
I'll worship your body with every movement
And give you my soul like it's sacrament

I used to feel the darkness inside me
I didn't want it to touch anyone else
I felt afraid for the people in my life
I kept myself ten arms length away
I'm sure they saw parts of me the best
But I couldn't stomach that thought
I know now that the darkness isn't real
It still feels just as real as it used to
I know I'm not bad though
It just feels like I am
I wasn't allowed to feel when I was young
I had to sacrifice my own feelings
Or I could not have survived
And survive I did
I was taught that feeling made me bad
That my feelings were unlovable
Emotional numbness saved my life then
But it doesn't help me anymore
And I want to turn it off so badly
I just don't know how to do that yet
I'm learning about myself and my feelings
I still feel so afraid
I feel afraid to see myself and let others see me
I still feel like a bad person who deserves the pain
I still feel alone and tortured in my head
I still feel afraid of my feelings
I am starting to love myself though
And despite being petrified of emotion
I am excited to learn more of who I am
And I'm excited to get better

Anarchy isn't easy
Floating through this existence
In constant critique of everything
Recognizing problematic language
Distorted ideas that often go unnoticed
Unable to simply accept the format of existence
Because something is wrong
Everything we have
And everything we exist within
Was created for us
Given to us
Being an anarchist isn't easy
But it's necessary

At some point in college
I was dating my first long-term girlfriend
She knew about my being trans
But we didn't talk about it too much
Sometime during that period
She told me that
She didn't think that she could
Stay with me if I made the choice
To take hormones
Or to get bottom surgery
At that point in my life
I didn't want to lose her or that love
So I decided that I didn't want those things anymore
That I felt good enough without them
Now that it's been a few years
I'm just realizing that I lied to myself
I chose to repress those desires
In order to preserve my relationship
And it took three years after that
To even realize what I'd done to myself

I feel the need cry
But I can't tell why
Besides the fact of wanting to die
(Except that that makes me feel alright.)
I swear up and down I'm fine
No one sees I'm on the line
Dwindling on something hard to define
Darker than the night.
I'm so sorry
You deserve so much better than me
I'm no longer all that I can be
And nothing near what you need.
Hey maybe I love you
But what is love to do
When there's no feeling to prove it's true
And I'm gone past crazy.
So maybe I'm going to hell
Who am I to tell?
Can there be much worse than this spell?
Depression never leaves anymore.
****, I can't do this
Death is my underlying wish
And I'm nothing to miss
So why drag it out even more?
"No," I apologize,
"That's not wise"
Oh, don't you just love those lies?
Kiss my lips to seal the deal.
Oh no, no worries here
Don't fear
My dear,
I'll see you again.
(But you may luck out
And not have to return the favor then...)

I can't seem to find the words to describe the way I feel
When I see you there
As if I don't even exist anymore.
You won't say a word to me, wont even give a sideways glance in my direction.
Our worlds no longer merge
Everything has changed.
I see you and I can't help but wonder if you revisit the memories that flash through my head every day.
It's out of my control.
I no longer exist
There is nothing now.
I am nothing now.

The savior
The perfect partner
The dominant
The free spirit
The fiancé
The parental substitute
The anarchist
The sweetheart
The nice guy
All of these aspects of myself
Yet none of them are fully me
These are the roles I've fallen into
In order to match my various partners
And though all of these may be
Different components of me
None of them feels quite whole
I do not feel whole

All of these personalities
Exist on a spectrum of time and space
None interacting with any others
Each signifies a distinct point in life
Each has its own home
It's own experiences
Attitudes and viewpoints
Behaviors and habits

Yet what do I do when
Two of my contextualized selves
Decide to overlap?
When my ex who knew the fiancé
Moves back to town where I live
As does my person
Who's heard stories of the others
But who only knows the nice guy

How do I begin to heal when
I do not understand what is real
And what existed solely for others?
How do I continue to grow
When the fiancé is fighting restraints
And the nice guy is exhausted
The sweetheart does not exist
And the anarchist screams for revolution?

They seem to be fighting each other
Just to have a chance to breathe
A chance to take the wheel
A chance to control "me"
Yet who even am I?
Are all of these selves fabricated
Or are they hyperbolized aspects of me
Connectable like puzzle pieces
Into one beautiful picture?

The problem is
The picture I see is not beautiful
I'm trying to be nice to myself
But all I see and feel is darkness
I am an abomination
An evil person who cannot be trusted
A dark soul inhabiting an empty body
A person who is not a person
A human with a lack of self
It's almost like I'm not even alive
But even death would be a relief
So I can finally end the confusion
And stop hurting people along the way

Why does this hurt so badly?
My emotions are circulating like a tornado
Alternating between crippling sadness breeding burning tears
And intense anger at not understanding
Why need more?
Which is an offensive question but that's how I feel
Why make your life even more difficult
When you claim you don't even know how you feel?
If you don't then why are you still pursuing it?
Why are you sleeping together more regularly?
Why is this not enough?

And as a poly person myself I should understand
But this is ******* killing me
I've been hoping you'd text me at least once today
And now I only want you to so I can ******* ignore it
Cause this **** hurts
And it burns
And it's tearing up my soul
Because I love you more than you'll ever know
And I just don't get it

I know I should keep an open mind
And try to be accepting of all of this
But I flat out don't like her
Which is immature because I don't even know her
But from what I hear she doesn't respect you
Not the way they and I do
Not how you deserve to be treated
Maybe it was a one time mistake
Or maybe it'll be worth it for you
But right now I can't even breathe

Even though I'm putting you through the same thing
It's still different in some ways
I only have one partner
You're looking at three
And I know it's stupid to count numbers and compare
But what the ****?
If it's hard enough now
Why can't you just work with this
Why add another person to the mix?

But I also want to support you
Because I love you undyingly
And I want you to be happiest
But I can't even think about talking to you
Knowing you're with someone else right now
I can't think about you without thinking about her
Wondering if you've kissed her
Questioning how you feel and
If you're actually being real with me

And yeah I should try to think this will pass
But what if I don't want it to?
What if I don't want to numb myself to this pain?
Cause it hurts
And I'm not ok
But I chose this and I knew this could happen
And I'm angry at myself for these feelings I carry
And I wish I could be numb to it all
I wish I didn't care so much
But I do
And this ******* *****

I want to bleed ink
Stain this paper with beauty
Leak words endlessly that
Take your breath away
My heart could regurgitate
Anything painful
Anything wonderful
Anything there
And I could feel numb
Then free.

Yes I hurt you
Yes I broke your heart
But I've been here since the end
I let you call me breaking down
Even though I was with my girlfriend
Simply because no one else would listen
And I ******* care about you

Yes I emailed you first
You chose to listen to others instead
And told me to move on
Two weeks pass
And you reach out to me
You want me back
But I had my closure
and started exploring new options

Yes I'm polyamorous
And it's been the best realization of my life
But to you I'm just selfish
I can't commit
Just because I can't be your property anymore
You even said you'd try it with me
Then turned around and called it debauchery

Yes I've made mistakes
I'm only human
And I'm growing every day
I am becoming a better person
But how can I keep moving forward
With you constantly tearing apart my soul?

Yes I say your words don't hurt
But I ******* love you
So they brand pain into my entire existence
And keep hurting both myself
And my beautiful new relationship
Because I'm putting all my energy into you

And yes I let it keep happening
But not anymore
I told your dad you tried to OD
I may have saved your ******* life
But all I did was ruin you right?
I tore you down and broke your hopes and dreams?
Tell me how, when I've been here the whole time
I have been supporting you in
Whatever you want to do with your life
I've been validating your feelings and
Trying to be there for you to talk
Because no one else was listening
But I'm just a piece of trash right?

No
I won't let you lead my life anymore
No
You don't get to steal my happiness
No
I will not let you hurt my relationship
No
I may have made mistakes but I'm not entirely bad
No
You do NOT get to take your anger out on me
Not anymore
I'm done
I'm out

Enjoy your life now
Because I'm done being the reason you hate it
You made your own choices
And you don't get to take that out on me
Not anymore
I'm done.

Have you ever heard your truth
Echoed back to you from another's lips?
Like a droplet into still water
Their words reverberated through my soul
They mirrored back my struggle with trauma
With their walls of fiery anger
Holding onto rage like a lifejacket
We've been floating in similar waters
Preparing for battle in every moment
While we're the ones aiming the guns
Grasping so tightly to our secret truth
That one day the pain will **** us
We're acting like we're already dead
Before we ever learned how to live

When we're together
There is no past
There is no future
It's just us
You and I
And our anarchist tendencies
Out radical minds working constantly
Trying to dismantle the systems that oppress us
While forced to work within them to survive

This feels unstoppable
We've been through some heavy stuff already
And I guarantee there will be more to face
With openness and honesty
We overcome the forces of life
And pave our own way through
Because even if we knew
What a future with free love looked like
We probably wouldn't follow it anyway

Every day is an experience
Challenging what I thought I knew about love
I'm slowly learning to love and trust myself
And I'm finally seeing what a healthy relationship looks like
What it feels like to love someone
To be in love with someone
Without the dependence and trust issues
I've become so accustomed to

This anxiety is excitement
The fear a reminder of my humanity
And although I hate the concept of forever
I hope you stay for a while

My lips brush against your forehead
As my arms pull you close
You're soft and warm and precious
Our breathing aligns like our energies
I want to keep you safe
To kiss you every day for the rest of my life
To give you all of my heart
And build up a gentle home
The world can be a cold and dark place
But your heart is pure light
You radiate love and care
And knowing you is a truly a gift
Your stunning eyes and beautiful smile
Can so easily bring me to my knees
You disarm me without even trying
As your soul whispers into mine
Encouraging and sweet
You've been a support on my darker days
And I am eternally grateful
To trust you with my vulnerability
You've awoken something within me
That I never knew existed
A piece of my soul buried deep
It knew you immediately
The moment I saw you,
When I heard you speak
I knew without a doubt
That I needed you in my life
It didn't make sense to me then
But now it's all too clear
The universe was our guiding light
And our love is a sacred space

What is wrong with me?
One moment everything is fine
Then I'm triggered and gone
As if it's always been this way.
Why can't I feel ok alone?
I know I'm good and enough
But when you're not here
I feel like I'm losing my mind.
Days pass on top of days
I can feel myself burning out
I need time with myself to recharge
But I have an insatiable ache for you.
I'm mad at myself for this
It's not your fault
But it'd be easier if it was
I wish I didn't need anyone else, but I do.
I never asked for this life
Everything is painful and I don't understand
How so many people just keep going
For as long as a lifetime.
Every connection feels life changing
Witnessing your humanity moves my soul
But is it real or just an illusion in my mind?
Do I see you or just a projection of me?
I want to cling and I want to run
I want to text you and to give you space
I want to say **** it all and I want to stay
So many dualities that I can't breathe.
I should be happy because things are fine
Nothing is inherently wrong
But I feel so unsettled and uncomfortable
Like nothing will ever be enough for me.
I just want to be ok
And I don't want to need anyone else
I have to learn to balance these issues
With the curse of my human condition.

No words,
Could express my gratitude for you.
No monetary amount,
Could pay you back for what you've done for me.
I couldn't even imagine what my life would be like right now,
Without having had you there.
I started as a stupid freshman,
With no ambitions or plans for college,
Now I'm a junior and have high hopes and plans for my future.
I still can't believe you're over;
A tragic government cut, above our control.
I guess that's just the way the world works sometimes.
But even now,
When you're no longer able to go on
You continue giving,
To myself and everyone you've touched,
Even though we took you for granted for so long.
I'd always thought that you didn't matter to me,
So much as you truly did, and do.
You gave me so much opportunity,
New friends
A new mindset
And an entirely new outlook on the world.
You've honestly saved my life.
And for that I am eternally grateful.

It's hard to mourn this relationship
Because for the first time I realize that my world isn't ending
It helps that the relationship changed from my ideal form
To whatever it ended up being
A while before we broke up
I already cried for that part of the relationship
I already hurt myself to cope with that
This is so much different
I've known for awhile now
That this relationship was unhealthy
So what am I mourning now?
I have already hurt for all of the good times we had together
The late nights talking
The long mornings cuddling
And how it turned to silence
And distance
And emptiness
I felt that pain when she got her third partner
Because all of those things that I cherished
We're ripped away from me immediately
And yes that part still stings
But it's not as painful as it was
Because it's been a few months since then
So what am I mourning now?
It's hard to say because I don't think I should be sad
I want to be happy because I'm free
I feel relief but the sadness is still there
The pain is still present underneath
It's hard to accept this depression
Because she is not worth it
Because she was emotionally abusive
And I don't want to give her that control over me
But that doesn't stop the feeling
It doesn't stop the hurting
If anything it makes it worse because I'm ignoring it
I'm not letting myself feel
And letting myself let go and grow
I know I deserve that much

Sadness pours from my lungs
As I dream of inhaling smoke
I want it to choke me out
To spill what's left of my soul
My heart still beats on
But it hurts in my chest
Spreading this virus of lost love
Throughout my entire being
It moves only slowly though
As my heart knows you're gone
My arms still crave your touch
My brain understands the most
And it condemns the pieces of me
That still hold onto your memory
Yours? Ours? Mine?
Who's memory is it?
I guess they're all different
I don't know if you really loved me
I suppose that's what hurts the most
But I loved you unconditionally
Even when I hated you too
I'm not sure if you felt the same
But it's something I'll come to terms with
Just like the fact that I feel sad
And I don't think you're worth that

You should know,
That every time I see you talking about him,
Or see a picture of you kissing him,
I get frustrated.
Because I know who you really are;
You do too.
And I know you love me.

No one else knows about us,
Not the way we really are,
Not the true emotion behind it all.
We're our own kind of crazy,
Because you won't admit the truth to anyone,
Except for me.

So when you're kissing him,
I just hope you can feel the difference.
Because if I recall correctly,
Before that night we spent together,
You claimed you'd never felt more like yourself,
More alive.

I made you see who you really are,
And I know that scared you more than ever.
But I still just don't understand,
Why you keep trying to change,
Complaining every time he hurts you,
Because it's always the same.

Yet you know I'd never hurt you.
You know I'm different than any 'him' you've ever had.
But you keep making the same mistake.
I'm not saying I'm perfect, or even right for you.
But if you really want things to change,
Stop fighting yourself and accept it:
You're in love with a girl.

It's cold outside but I hear seagulls
It feels like October or November
Mixed with a little bit of May
It reminds me of pumpkin farms and beaches
Both associated with good times
Paired with past people
Forevers gone all wrong

Memories of goats and cookies
Almost send me into an attack of anxiety
Heartbeat racing and limbs get weak
I have to concentrate on my breathing
Cause I can't afford to fall right now

The beach reference comes from the smell
It's probably dead fish
But it reminds me of lakes
Like the one we went fishing on
Or the one we swam in with my family
Different waters carry the same smell
And remind me of the same person

My most intense triggers seem to be the weather
Which is ****** cause I can't escape it
So I keep driving
Heat up
Windows sealed
To escape these broken memories
Now broken people
And it's all my fault

Poison flows through my veins
And I'm ready to attack
Do not come near me
Do not **** with me today
Depression is anger turned inward
And I'm sick of feeling sad
Maybe if I turn my anger outward
I can start to feel better again
They say assertiveness beats aggression
But I need to let it out somehow

If I were honest with you always
You really wouldn't like me
I say that I support your independence
But I often don't share how much it hurts me
I feel as though I limit myself
In order to uphold your happiness

I said I didn't want you to resent me
For being the reason you're stuck in this town
But I'm also worried I'll resent you
For the regular hurt I feel with our relationship
It's not even your fault
I'm just not made for this love
What you want and what I need
Do not align enough for mutual happiness

I feel like I'm angry at you a lot
And you say you're mad too
When we're together I'm uncomfortable
I don't even know why
I just feel this genuine discomfort
When we sit together in silence
I don't want to be fake
But you want things to be great
I am not ok
And that needs to be ok

We say we want to see each other more
Yet when the day comes
You change your mind
And I'm left alone with myself again
Because I made the choice to not make plans
Because I knew we were supposed to hang out
But things don't always work out
And that's all good and fine
But it doesn't feel that way to me
I'm just sad
And I don't know what to do with it

She told me I'm pretty,
Enough so to be on tv.
I couldn't help but laugh at that;
It felt good to know what she sees,
But it doesn't mean a thing.
Easy to see she's just a lying ***,
So why should I trust what she says?
She just knows what she needs to show
To get me weak,
To get me to stay,
To try to build me up,
So she can break me away.
I don't even know her like that,
And no way I want her to stick around.
But it was still nice to hear her say it,
Not used to that kind of sound.
So I can pretend that she was honest,
And that it wasn't just some lie,
But it's hard to fool myself,
So why even try?

When I'm with you
Our souls mesh like alchemy
With a delicate touch
They move together
Like oil in water
Each distinct and yet
They dance as if they are one
Gentle and fluid
They wrap around each other
Your soul
Moving like silk across mine
Both weaving intricately
Filling in empty spaces
Skin to skin
Soul to soul
A rhythm so perfect that
We fit together flawlessly
As if we were made for each other
Your soul is light and pure
Beautiful and disarming like the sea
And when we're together
Our connection is all that I need

Glowing screens in the
Dark dark dark
White smoke against a
Spark spark spark
I'm consumed by this ****** up
Heart heart heart
And I need an escape from all its
Parts parts parts

I feel so broken and lost

My mind is a skipping record
Repeating everything until it's
Dead dead dead
I'm on the couch
And my love is in my
Bed bed bed
And I feel so trapped
Stuck in my
Head head head

I can't break this cycle alone
But I'm losing my cool
This is fear
This is panic
This is irrational
It's useless

And I need it to stop
Stop
Stop
Before it rips me
Apart

I've been laying in my bed at night,
Just laying there wishing for one thing,
Begging to put a bullet in my brain,
And feel all the blood drain.
I'm not quite sure why,
Why only recently I've had this strong of desire;
Depression is worse than ever before,
But comes in waves to prolong this war.
I can see it well:
The lead pulling away my thoughts in its path;
Memories and feelings blown to shreds,
Finally nothing left clouding my head.
As I contemplate last words,
I wonder if death'd come quickly or prolong an extra minute,
For my mind to flash through all the moments of pain and content,
Who knows, in my last breath maybe I'd even feel a bit of regret.

I'm seeing you tonight
And it's been quite a while
Four days to be exact
I remember a time when
It drove us crazy
To not see each other most days
I act like I don't care
Sometimes it feels like I don't
But I feel the sadness looming over me
How can I not when
I know I want to see you more?
Life isn't that easy though
It's best not to feel
Not to care
A self-protective coping mechanism
That lets me function as human again
I'm nervous to see you
I don't know how I'll feel and
If I really am compartmentalizing
I know it doesn't hold up
When I'm laying next to you
I don't want to want you this much
I still want to be with you though
Just not so invested
It's unsafe
It's uncontrollable
And as someone who needs to feel
A variation of both of those
I'm terrified that seeing you
Will destroy these walls I've built
Until I'm left with nothing but
Myself
and
My feelings

I'm not going to pull the 'new year, new me' *******
But I'm not saying that I'm going to stay the same.
See I've been slipping up lately
Enough to cause people to start asking questions again.
So I guess you could say 'new year, old me'
Because I'm about to put on the best show of my life.
So a HAPPY new year it will be.

I'm so sick of being seen as someone I'm not.
Why judge by my past when the present has me changed beyond belief?
Don't hold me to my previous actions while I fight to move on myself.
You weren't there for the journey, so don't look down as though I'm below you.
I didn't see you when I was slipping; where were you while I was falling?
And now that I'm standing, you deem it okay to throw stones?
Well go ahead.
Because while you've been playing with pebbles, I've been facing mountains.
And I'm more ready today than I've ever been in my whole life.

Head heavy
Chest empty
Brain swimming endlessly
Stomach churning
Throat burning
This broken heart is destiny
Spiraled thoughts
My mind is taut
The OCD attacks fully
These stupid lies
Waste so much time
As if you'd ever think of me

You touch me so lightly
And my entire heartbeat halts
After another second
It switches into overdrive

This is not lust
Of course I want you entirely
But these sensations are fueled by my feelings
I haven't felt this way before

Of course I've loved others
And been loved by them in return
And I've been "intimate" many times
Without the actual intimacy

This is different
This is more
More than physical excitement
More than basic human instincts

I feel it in my chest
This warmth spreading through my soul
I am entirely unnerved by you
And for once I revel in the lack of control

I never understood the idea of 'voices'
Until I heard it one night
Maybe the drugs had me hallucinating
Except I still hear them.

I used to believe
that all my thoughts belonged to me
that all my demons were a direct link to my being
But the words I hear now aren't my own.

The first instance felt like paranoia:
Thoughts racing through my mind
Unnecessarily dramatic with a shred of potential truth.
Except I can't make them stop.

It felt much more like
Someone throwing knives into the paper walls of my consciousness
Quick, unexpected, unsolicited
Each thought slid through so easily
The scraping noise of ripping paper echoed in my mind
His words dripping from the reverberating sound waves
The deafening sound blocking out all oppositional thoughts

I feel powerless.

Today they still speak
There's more than one now
The first questions my relationship
The newest judges all of my decisions
Together they taunt me with these
Intrusive and uncontrollable thoughts
That make me want to die so much more
If that's even possible.

"She's only using you, y'know"
No, she loves me
"Are you sure? Then why is she kissing differently?"
I don't know, but it's fine
"Ha, yeah ok, we'll see"
Anxiety, anxiety, anxiety
"Bet you she's thinking of him now"
"Why do you even try?"
"You're going to die anyway"
"Why not tonight?"
"We'll make it quick, painless"
"I promise"

I feel my energy depleting
My hopes sinking further into the black hole in my mind
I'm grasping for something to hold onto
But all I feel is air between my fingers
I'm slipping further away from sanity
And I'm letting my body die slowly by not eating
I should just give in
Death is my destiny

*Just keep breathing

How can I tell you
That if it weren't for the distance
That I'd want to try again?
How can I tell you
That I still love you and I miss you
When I know you deserve better?
How do I sit with this feeling
Loving you so much but hurting still
Because I can't think of how it could work out?
You could do so much better
Without my complications in your life
Because part of me wants to try again
But the rest is afraid to know it could fail
I don't know how to tell you these things
Because I know it could make it worse
You're working on moving on
And I don't know what a poly future looks like
I can't make any promises
And I can't think of how we would be
Because distance is hard
And poly is hard
Love is hard
But is it worth it?

I wish things weren't like this
Wish I didn't worry this way
I'm running away  from what I fear
Every ******* day.
But when I'm with you, it's crazy
My whole opinion twists apart
No longer is the world there too
Just you and I, until we part.
I may have ******* up big time
But in the end it'll be alright
No matter what the result it,
The reasoning was right.