I kneel on the ground desperately searching in the ashes and embers of who I used to be. The flecks of falling memories whisper and whirl lightly around me.
If I can find a fragment within these piles of haunted bones. Perhaps, then I can change what has been done and undo my damaging blunders.
Time is frozen here in my own perpetual limbo. I don't wish to go forward but back to a time when I was blissfully naive and innocent, not bitter and tragic.
Yet, day after day, I'm doomed to repeat this infinite process and never become the husk of my past self.
Words have gone and I'm left in the maddening solitude.

In a heartbeat, to the core of my being. think before you speak. you could never understand so don't ******* talk about or wish things you know absolutely ******* nothing about. It's not a "gift",its a ******* curse, there are no advantages... I can't change anything no matter how hard I try,my whole life.  I truly despise myself so how could I ever,ever love another? I refuse to drag anyone down with such foolishness. It would never work between you and I, as much as I care and love helping take care of others. I'm barely holding it together so if I can't fix myself, how could I fix you? I doubt I'm strong enough.

I yearn for meaningful conversation.
I crave touch.
**** emotions and expectations.
I hold back in fear of being consumed.
Why do I even try?
Destroy or be destroyed.
I can't hide anymore.
You infiltrated me,
I fail at removing you from my bones,
the scars are too intertwined.
I'm abandoned and I shatter,
I fall to pieces.
Utterly alone.

You think you're a rebel?
So charming and laughable
You defy the norm?
You are not unique
You're just another copy
You can't even be yourself
so pathetically and easily influenced.
layers and layers that hide the real you,
do you even know who you are anymore?
Nor do I
I'm a hypocrite
Who does anyway?
Lost, buried and never found,
never to be again.

City lights and circus clowns.
Pretend to be up when we're down.
Round and round, we go through this town.
Run until the sun rises and we burn this town into the ground.
With the ashes, we can begin anew and leave those memories behind.

Every day we pretend,
nuisances,
breadth of knowledge,
it is futile and hollow,
no fear,
left wanting,
pining and pathetic,
contradictions within,
phenomenal and enduring quiet,
I am alone.

Start
explore and discover
risky adventures
stories of the past
secret confessions
ocarina song sequestered within
player two
heart container
power up
try and lose
hide and recover
glitch
reach out for help
wrong time wrong place
will there ever be a right time?
obstacle after obstacle
cycle all over again
such a coward
big boss challenge
fight or run?
Game over or continue?

As I straddle your legs, I tickle you with delightful intentions and you respond with mirth. Little dots that adorn your body shimmer in the sunlight and whisper lovely promises. I lean down and taste your sweet lips with a gentle kiss. I gaze into your eyes and I see all of the answers to my questions that I have been looking for. I think to myself and wonder how I got so lucky. Then sadly, I wake up. As the lingering touches fade, the ghost of you haunts me with what could be.

Oh, how my heart aches and longs for something that it can never attain.
Yet, there is a tiny glimmer of a spark that if beholden to and nurtured.
It would suddenly start aflame and succumb to my deepest and inner desires.
It would be enlightening, enthralling or perhaps, irrevocably damage me wholly for all eternity.

Heed the liars.
Beware of secrets.
Heed the false ones.
Beware of illusions.
How can I discern what's right?
Should I run from the dark or surrender?
Perhaps there's hidden magic within?
Confrontation is necessary.
Yet, I'm scared of being burnt by the light.
I don't want to expose the scars.
I weigh the options for eons.
I'm at war with myself.
Struggling to find truth.
Drowning in a black and white sea.
Only I can save myself.

Could we run to the ends of the earth?
I can still see you running in the field against the pale moonlight.
I can't chase you anymore,Darling.
You were my familiar, you were my home.
I wanted to reach out for you but instead I pushed you away.
Pain has changed me and I'm back to where I started.
I knew it was over when I could not rise to meet your eyes.
I shouldn't dwell on the memories but they used to sustain me.
If only, I had made another choice, a different route
then you would be untarnished by my destructive touch.
You can't lose yourself if you never met me.
I can finally accept my sins and let my demons consume me whole.
All we have left are these hollow words.

Her face illuminates with hues of honey and warmth. Her hair cascades down her back with the scent of french vanilla. Outside the window, the rain comes down like arrows of ice and plays its melancholy eternal song. In the sober light of day, we part with sweet whispered kisses. Yet, was it all an illusion? Bitterness starts to seep and chill the air. What do I care? The past is nipping at my heels. I will ignore it for as long as I can. For now,  use me up until there is not even one atom left of my being.

The car rattles along and the cityscape comes into sight. The city bustles with life and I watch the never-ending whirlwind of characters in a motion picture show. The flickers of city light diffuses and casts a shine on the photographic opportunities.
I see you and how you are oblivious to your own enchanting and radiant soul.
You are more stunning than the stars, yet also unattainable and heartbreakingly beautiful to gaze upon. I hope someday you achieve your goal of happiness and that you meet someone truly worthy of you. All I want to do is embrace you, ease your pain, carry your sorrows and share your joys. However, I know that I will never have the privilege.

I sense something on the horizon that beckons and pulls me in. Do I resist or investigate the call? I hope that in the future, I don’t instigate a further parting of ways. The only thing that would compel me to do that would be if that I were to cause you great harm emotionally in some way, intentionally or not. I will endeavor to the best of my ability not to. But like everyone else I’ve ever known, I might still push you away.

You are so wonderful to me but how am I even worth of being a part of your life? I don’t understand and I’ll try not to disappear. Honestly, you would be better off if I did.
In the future we might walk right past each other and in a flash we become strangers again. Sadly, all of our history and time together have ceased to be. Of course, I will inevitably be the one to blame. Oh Darling but it was worth the while.

Hours and hours dwindle by, nights lost,
memories made and conversations until the sun rises.
You didn’t want me in the light of day.
Days and years go by and we still ignore the forgotten truth.
I accept and deny but it’s worth it to see you smile again.
My wasted heart shall keep me company.
I have moved on and time has helped me heal a little.
All I want to do is shatter in a million pieces
but I suppose that I’m stuck in
this kaleidoscope of an impossible fantasy.

There is no one to run to now,
the lights have dimmed,
I can’t see the stars anymore,
they have lost their comforting shine,
I need time to mourn the loss of what could have been,
I’m such a fool, I took a risk,
maybe I can learn to forgive myself but I can’t forget,
I wouldn’t trade an iota of this pain because at least then I can feel something
and not be numb,
where reality differs from imagination,
I must refrain from looking back at the past,
the magic diminishes and familiar places are tarnished,
we must start anew,
as the facade disintegrates,
I’m left with my small semblance of self,
I will cast the walls back up again and keep my heart in its cage,
run as far as you can from this tragic kaleidoscope,
get too close and you will get cut by the shattered pieces,
as time fleets, I will pick up my pieces and try my best to move on.

The sands of the hourglass dwindle, forgotten ashes & blooms of wispy smoke shrouded in wistful conversations. Thrumming heartbeat of the city and residual lingerings of temporary ghosts. Whispers gradually disappear into the vast mist of futile chaos. Lost souls wandering seeking what dreams may come.

Adapt & absorb other beings,
needs,wants, habits, ideas, beliefs.
Influences, unoriginal.
Metamorphosis,
eternally avoiding the raw,wicked truth of your inner soul,
drop the ******* facade, it is futile and ludicrous.
Analyze,compare, identify, mimic, imitate, copy,shift, evolve.
Perpetual cycle.
Veiled false identities and lies,
layers upon layers, shirk the pale shadows of who we used to be.
Shall we continue?
Contradiction.
Fools, to believe that one can ever change.

Never fall,
take,
give,
sacrifice
no choice,
Never fall,
Never change,
Never,
same.

I just wish that I could be understood. Just because I can't hear, people automatically write me off as a human being, someone less than them, someone that could never be an equal, dumb, flawed, broken. because of something entirely out of my control, I can't be included. As much as I try to control things, I can't control this. Things are one sided, I make the effort to communicate but others don't want to take the challenge, waste their time or don't even want to bother. Perhaps they are afraid. I become afraid too when I encounter this time and time again. This recurrent cycle almost makes me lose my identity and want to give up hope. I don't give up though I grow weary. I count my losses of what could have been and forge on. It makes me sad to see a possible flourishing friendship, of what could be, only to have it dashed or doomed from the start. It's very difficult to be left out, to experience only a fraction of the world and I know what I'm missing out on. Should I mourn it or try to keep swimming in the abyss of it all? I struggle to find another way, a loophole or have a tiny glimpse of a world I know I can never fully be a part of. On the outside looking in. I will always give people a chance, a chance to prove me wrong and a chance to be a friend. I can see, I can feel, I can sympathize and I bleed. I can laugh, I can cry, I can love. Often times though, I'm seldom ever given a small chance just because I can't hear. That really hurts me because then what do I do?

Familiar,
faded memories,
past,
illusions,
intimate,
reveal,
move on,
timeless,
somewhere,
nothing.

Looking at the world through rose coloured glasses,
hiding behind the illusions.
I shut my eyes and my fear grows,
If I open my eyes to the reality, what will I see?
I choose to ignore it and I feel empty.
It's not long now until I succumb to the shadows.

There was a fiery spark in your eyes when you met my gaze.
The days are fleeting in a summery haze.
What can I do now that the lovely flame has died.
In the dimming light, I can see us drifting apart.
It is bittersweet but I will never regret the time we had together.
You deserve far better and I won't hold you back.
I wish I didn't have to hurt you but it's inevitable,darling.  
I was meant to walk the city alone and everything has changed.

Am I just a token?
Am I a ghost only visible to you?
Clock strikes ten and the day is done.
We move further away and the pictures come out to play.
The gaps in the silence grow immensely and change is in the harsh wind.
It's only a matter of time until you leave.
The films rewind to yesterday.
The stars hide their light and I am lost.
I cannot go home.
Where do I belong?

Look past the smokescreen, foray through the challenges of the labyrinth and  descend into the infinite abyss of my arcane mind. If we survive the journey, maybe, just maybe, my armour will disappear. What lies beneath, a monster or a tragic fragility?  Can we just escape, burn bridges and never return?

Trapped in a infinite, endless black hole,
spinning helplessly out of control,
use, use ,use,
take,take,take,
alone,
dying to live,
no more facade,
no more masks,
no more….

I wallow in a glass,
and look upon the world with disdain.
When I only have myself to blame.
Too much has changed and I can't go back.
I'm not the same nor are you.
I grow weary of this game.
Perhaps I'll wake up from this dream.
For now, I'll just keep moving along
trying to find a purpose.

Truth?
Truth?
What Truth?
The truth is that we all stumble blindly,
pretending that we have any semblance of what we are doing.
We fail to grasp the mere simplicity of things
and we have to make everything complicated.
Just passing through.
Regrets,
what a waste of time.

A Phoenix that shouldn't be caged yet is tied down with strings.
Only time will tell if it can be free to spread its wings.
The freedom of flying isn't attainable without sacrifices.
The journey seeking for another has come to an end.
The feathers one by one begin to fall, heart bleeding and its soul fading.
Without attention, acceptance or love, it withers away
in a fiery and phenomenal bittersweet extinction.