I regret remaining so small
I regret being removed from it all

I regret the crippling fear
I regret wishing to disappear

I regret my deafening silence
I regret not showing more defiance

I regret giving you so much power
I regret the way I would cower

I regret believing your lies
I regret those blurred family ties

I regret the bridges you burned
I regret leaving the ashes unturned

In a way, my regrets always kept you near
Instead of severing the relationship when it became clear
That you no longer cared
Then again, you never really did
It was merely the wishful thinking
Of your broken hearted kid

You are beautifully broken and chaotic
Then again, so is everyone else
You wear your heart on the sleeve
While theirs is on a shelf

Caring too much
Versus not caring at all
The former labels you too sensitive and weak
While the latter will label the mind small

Selfless thinking takes courage and strength
Making you a target in others eyes
You will gladly take the brunt of the blow
In keeping an opportunity for kindness alive

Looking out for your fellow human
A simple act that carries no mystique
It just makes some of the beautifully broken
Shine brighter by being beautifully unique

How does one openly share
With many strangers in a room
All the atrocities and scars
That mark your impending doom

Always leading with the heart
Has left it broken and rather dead
Causing the mind to eventually take over
Numbing you down to invisibility instead

Simply wishing to fade away
Into vast webs of silent misery
While a boisterous and opposing point of view
Keeps aiming for your victory

Strong-armed, not so gently, into a situation
That leaves you stripped down, sullen, and bare
Brings about complete and utter discomforts
All of which, you hope no one is aware

Longing for some connection
Though fearful of the start
Freezes you into a silence
Unable to be of any part

Your tongue becomes sluggishly thick
Appearing knotted, twisted, and tied
Oblivious to the surroundings
While your brain is quietly being fried

Amid the haze, a courageous voice is heard
   sharing pieces of a story
With similarities to that of your own
Sending reassurance throughout a weary head
That there is no longer a need to feel so lost and alone

The Light...

Breaks through an ever-expanding wall of darkness and despair,
In order to peel away the mask of smoke and mirrors;
So I can bask in your rays
Of unconditional love and understanding.

An attempt to drown
One's inner demons,
Does nothing more
Than render them
With an ability to swim...

Color is eluding
Never been a fan of things bright
Gray tones are consistent
Giving way to comforting night

A voice that's muted
By all things loud
Will never be heard
While controlled by the crowd

Opaque is appealing
A means of not standing out
Creating an impenetrable fortress
Of walls to hideout

Time can cause a slight iridescence
A glimpse of what was once there
Though blending in, is the name of the
game
Opportunities for the illumination of color
are very brief and rare

A weight that crushes
With every exhaled breath
Leaves me helpless and hopeless
Creating an emotional death

I'm tired of hiding from feeling
And apologizing for who I am
Needing to depart from the shadows
Being that person, no one understands

Two parts of a self
That is conflicted but wishes to be whole
One yearning to please everyone
The other desperately trying to escape from web spun molds

This delicate silk
No matter how impenetrable the twine
Hopefully will start separating
And allow both sides to emerge combined

The reflection I see
Is blurry at best
Marred by the dots of doubt
That have no way to connect

I am trying to methodically regain a link
Into the feeling of "being me"
Learning to embrace the (beauty) of all the
fallible pieces,
That make up my identity

I have put my (body) through a torturous Hell
Trying to obtain an unreachable goal
Yet it still manages to be forgiving enough
To keep mustering up (strength)
As I journey to become whole

I do not know when inner peace will come
And silence the screaming beast within
Though I have found an urgent will to fight for
connection
And (respect) my true self again

Vile innocence times three
Tore me down to my knees
That left a gaping hole in my soul
Of varying degrees

Caught off guard
And confused
I experienced violence in bloom
While they reveled the brutality of victory

Time stood still, as they got their fill
Of tagging in and out of the game
Beaten and bare, my voice never found air
Knowing my life was forever changed

While my dignity was stripped
I prayed death would be quick
Leaving the unbearable pain and suffering behind

The gravity of which is unknown
To the abyss, I made sure it was thrown
Never to surface again and see the light of day

Regrettably, the dark secrets we keep
Do start to seep
And engulf every crack and crevice of a waning mind

So, my battle rages on
To find meaning in a life that's long gone
And make peace with the afflictions of Dark
Innocence..

Memories of that day
A seemingly endless moment in time
Still torturously haunt me
By captivating my mind

The things that were forcefully stolen
Can never be returned
Only replaced with sadistic images
On my soul, they are forever burned

The barrage of hits and touches
Grew invisible by the passing of time
Though the body does not forget
I was seared and branded by their heinous crime...

Time does not heal every gaping sore
Instead, it can create a festering wound that slowly seeps poison into every pore

Time cannot erase all the hideous pain
It rather gives a purpose for walls to be built in order to keep the mind sane

Time will not provide a safe haven from harm
Although, it can reinforce the locks on prison doors that no one can disarm

Time should have given me my freedom
Or at the very least, granted my parole

However, I have become uneasily comfortable with the internal terror
Whatever uncertainty lies beyond my confinement, scares me more so

For far too long
I've been comfortably numb
Walking to the cadence
Of someone else's drum

Expectations are piling up
And running me ragged
The edges are harsh, always broken,
And jagged

Creating many different wounds
That have no time to heal
I built walls around them all
And forgot how to feel

I lost my identity
Trying to become who everyone needed
All the while, killing my inner self
That faintly begged and pleaded

How do I reacquaint myself
With a person I never knew
Being OK with who and what lies ahead
And opening the door to something new

They come out of nowhere
And can be as simple as a word
Intrusive, flashing voices
Who refuse not to be heard

These opinions with biased force
Keep ringing in my ears
Burning through my retinas
And searing their mark upon my fears

Like a thousand prickling itches
That cannot be soothed by a scratch
Stifling does not contain them
They constantly find new ways of attack

The mind is a delicate balance
Of inner and outer cues
A slight shift can cause a deafening
Where clear thoughts spiral to confused

The beginning is so unassuming
It's a faint desire to better oneself by
succumbing to "healthier" options both
mentally and physically
Or at least that's what we tell
ourselves

Once the introductions are over and
the pleasantries of obtainable goals
made, you become totally enamored by
the sense of accomplishment
That nagging whisper of assurance,
gratitude, and love keeps you
constantly striving for something
more
With that, the trap has been set

One goal turns to three, and three
turns quickly to ten
Now you are in the grips of an enticing,
vengeful, and all-consuming force that
is never satisfied
The whispers soon become screams
that berate your inadequacies and
open the floodgates for negativity
"Never Good Enough" becomes the
battle-cry of this addiction towards
self-deprecation

Intentions to stop are always there
However, chasing the ever elusive "last
goal" becomes your entire existence
You alienate yourself from any and all
who stand in the way of disordered
progress
Blinded by a strong conviction and
supposed self-improvement, you
cannot see the destruction ED craves
It devours every possible ounce of time
and energy a body has until there is
nothing left to give

Still not content, and louder than ever,
ED seeks complete annihilation and
your ultimate demise
Only through intervention,
enlightenment, and a shroud of hope
can the bond be broken with the beast
within
This clarity makes it possible to live
and fight another day

I Believe...Do You?

Only through determination
And nourishment of the mind,
Can a flickering spark
Become a flame that burns
Into a roaring fire
With embers that soar...

Blond hair
Chuck Taylors
Boy multiplied by three

Morning Dew
Dirt clumps
Darkness covers everything

Things that are seemingly "run of the
mill", " normal", and "mundane"
May also be the precise source of
someone else's pain

Consciousness fades
Pain grows
Body can no longer fight

Invasion within
Hope retreats
Mind and soul take flight

None of us can presume to know the life
behind one's eyes
Let us "break the cycle", "be kind", and "love"
Then maybe, our scars will naturalize...

Repair It...
Take this suffering
And take my pain
Let my poisonous mind
Be cleansed by the rain

Restore It...
Take this prison
And take my shame
Break down the walls
And to my defenses take aim

Soothe It...
Take this perfection
And take my mechanical ways
Become flexibly imperfect
And allow growth from change

Rise up adolescent
And start to overcome
The burdens and hardships
Adults stand upon

Society strives to forget you
By paving a path to obsolescence
It fails to see the potential
Within your naive, yet growing luminescence

Take heed young one
Let nothing diminish your roar
The world may not be aware yet
However, it needs for you to soar

There is a place that seeks
To help others connect
It is an assemblage of the four-legged kind
An area dedicated
Towards peace and contentment
Hoping to help the tangles of the mind unwind

First encounters may seem a bit foreign
Creating numerous "What-Ifs"
For a skeptic to fear
When given enough time,
All the doubts start to settle
Realizing there are never unwanted expectations here

Having no set rules
Invites a sense of relief
Allowing all to be present without panic
Unspoken conversations
And being free to "just be"
Gains trust without a loss of dynamic

This equine way of healing
Is something wonderful to behold
Where what is lost and impossible
Starts to find a way to miraculously happen
As a relationship grows, the rigid soul begins to flex
So the horrendous scars eventually fade and soften

Mind explosions
Of a different kind
They come unexpectedly
Freezing the unconscious mind

With nowhere to run
It is impossible to hide
A terrified hostage
Of the demons inside

Victimized at night
Praying sunlight brings a reprieve
Desperately seeking distraction
From memories one cannot believe

Unknowing of what to do
Unsure of who to trust
Confusion rooted in fear
Is a tumor primed and ready to bust

Am I Lost...?

Amid a complicated swirl of tangled
thoughts,
The mind cannot comprehend nor decipher
the mutterings from within

It takes stern candor from an outside voice
To break through the woven web of
confusion and angst

Offering, the faint flicker of hope, enough
oxygen to remain burning in the dark

Or Am I Found...?

It starts with a blur
Then frightening moments of clarity
It flashes piece by piece
Then my mind changes polarity

An erratic heartbeat
Leads my consciousness away
Being frozen in terror
Leads all body movement astray

I smell things
When they aren't present now
I sense things
When I know there's nothing around

I see HIM
And then I don't
I feel HIM
And then I choke

If I ever remember it all
Maybe then, my mind will be at peace
With all the horrors out in the open
Maybe then, my body will finally get that coveted release

I believe you held my attention
From the moment our eyes first met
Desiring to emulate and follow you
In your hands, my world was set

An opportunity to help me flourish
By way of your tutelage and guise
I wanted to hold the title, "Daddy's Little Helper"
And witness the pride in those eyes

Your gaze seemed more of disdain than a satisfaction
Making me yearn to keep toeing the line
Always striving to be, just perfect enough
And worthy of anyone's time

When precision becomes routine, expectations are assumed
Leaving no forgiveness for not doing what was told
I did more than my share, freeing others from their burdens
And my childhood got lost within the fold

Lessons were handed out, on both sides of a wall
Built upon fear, stubbornness, and pride
Desperate and broken, I faded away
Creating an impossible divide

As time passed by, you moved on with life
Erasing our troubled memories with something new
That was never my thing, family loyalty was innate
So I choked on but buried deep, my feelings of you

Alienation gave cause, for my contentment in being hopeless
That we would ever, share the same breath of air
But out of nowhere, your heart falls suddenly on a sleeve
Now together, we are healing and attempting to repair

Thanks, Dad...

It is a symphony of distortion
That unfolds before my weary eyes
A complicated but intricate body of work
I fight daily not to reprise

The opening sonata is slow, yet eerily intriguing
Simply starting with a beating heart
Never knowing the tempo each day will bring
Due to inconsistent sight reading from the various nourishing parts

Switching to adagio brings a fluidity of movement
Though the pace is still quite slow
An integration of crux and marrow can be painfully tedious
Thus suspending vital balances and flow

A minuet seeks to pull these things together
The lively dance of mind, body, and soul
While entertaining and fun, it can bring about an urge for perfection
Inciting an overwhelming loss of control

Finally, a sonata-rondo gradually calms the madness within this body of work
Accenting an inotation that is both a bright and hopeful sound
Yet, it still holds tempo, not willing to relinquish
The rigid temperament previously found

When spoken by the timid
It evokes anxiety and fear
Ruminating over how to utilize it
And desperately not wanting to hear

The dauntless utter it overtly
Overconfident in prose and strength
Never contemplating the consequences
Keeps everyone at an arm's length

A sentence this precise shouldn't be so confusing
Nor open to the interpretation of its core
"No Means No", as a matter of fact
The brazen should use it sparingly, and the meek demand it more

Silence is deafening
My thoughts can no longer hide in the seams
The shadows have voices that are beckoning
I am stuck in a world of in-betweens

Darkness befriends the elusive
While honesty is embraced by the light
I created a maze of reclusiveness
The windings my approachable-self wants to fight

This type of existence is confining
The needing a breakthrough, but afraid of breaking free
I permitted my solitary life to define me
Instead of letting all the peering eyes see

The ebb and flow of being receptive
By allowing What Will Be...To Be
It is free-thinking from a different perspective
A stark contrast to the lonely life of ME

What if I needed
For you to simply glance my way..?
Would it validate my existence?
Make the invisibility cloak start to
fray?

What if it was essential
To communicate your thoughts and
fears?
Would it make me less mechanical
And find a way to allow the tears?

What if it was vital
To not dash and dine behind closed
doors?
I wonder if that adjustment
Makes for serene and calming shores?

What if letting go of the toxic
Is an integral part of growth?
Does that lead to a sense of
secureness?
Not being afraid of the things
unknown?

What if touch was necessary?
A hug to make it all go away...
Would the craving for what was lost
Be an obscurity that was never in the
way?

What if ALL the "What If's"
Bring light to just one truth?
Would I welcome in the contentment
Had I been nurtured in feeling loved
by you..?

Growing up in a loud and boisterous world,
makes it easy to seek solace in the
shadows
It allows for a fine-tuning of the senses,
in order to mirror what those around you
show

Quietly and dutifully, you play nursemaid
to everyone else's needs
Eventually losing touch with that inner voice that pleads

Remaining consistently neutral and in-tune
with others, has seemingly served
you well
Though the waves of ignored and
forgotten emotions, uncontrollably start
to swell

So becoming comfortable projecting a
voice, that you never really had
Is quite the challenging and daunting task
to an introverted empath

I am wading through some murky waters
That I have yet to understand
With sludge so thick and deep enough
It keeps me from dry land

Still, I try to power through
While keeping you all informed
Though this barrage of wanting to know
Is leaving me quite scorned

All I hear is "you have run out of patience"
And "surely I understand"
Well No, I do not, I am always compliant
Especially to a brutish hand

Throughout the years I have kept in line
And played the dutiful role
But shaking hands with Father Time
Permitted my mind to **** my soul

At times the struggle is so intense
That I cannot catch my breath
I strain and gasp to choke it down
Knowing you expect nothing less

By pulling rank, you shut me down
And add weight to my fear and doubt
You fail to see that I am grown
A mother who has earned her clout

Assumptions can be cruel you see
We both have made our share
I hope my voice of honesty
Helps us to finally clear the air

You are an added link in a long chain
That is weathered but still intact
Now, I am asking out of respect of that bond,
Let us please breathe before we act

NO MORE am I confident in what this world has to offer
Its people are selfish and crazed
Chewing up and spitting out the meek and mild souls
Imprisoning an empath to suffering and pain

NO LONGER can I look upon life fondly
With that pure yet innocent gaze
I've been stripped of the wonderous excitement that curiosity can bring
And replaced it with an anxious but violent haze

NO MATTER the extent to which I try to recover
My mind keeps taking me back to those horrific days
Where a person or persons exorcised their demons
Placing those vivid memories on a continuous loop of play

NO DOUBT I'm broken and tainted
Which is quite short of filing it all away
I cannot condone or explain exactly why
Those that slaughtered my reality did NOT somehow pay

Create fearlessly
So that music and poetry may speak
Let it grow and flow
To the rhythm of its own beat

Love with no filter
For the world is in dire need
Be kind and find
The wonders that arise from a good deed

Chained by self-doubt
In a dungeon of in-betweens
Barred from moving to either side
Stuck motionless in the seam

A wearisome place where all the "I don't
know's" and "I don't care's" lose any voice at all
So monotonous that individualism and
opinions cannot break through the prison
walls

Complacency will start to settle in
By becoming increasingly comfortable within
the rut
Unless intervention allows a glimpse beyond
the despair
That entices the healing of a fearful gut

I am dangerous...

It's haunting
This hold I have over you
You become so weary and weak
My grip tightens
And everything slowly fades away
Until you can hardly breathe

You mustn't ever speak of me
So they will never know
Exactly what I'll do to you
And the shame that starts to grow

My deceitful assurances comfort you
They entice to draw you near
My promise is I will hurt you
And prey on all your fears

The only guarantees I have
Is that my promise is a lie
You cannot take the beating I'll give
No way that you'll survive

No matter what you say or do
You know how this will end
So consider turning away right now
Your last chance before we begin

I am dangerous for you...

Free from judgment
Free from fear
No worries about fitting in
'Cause we all are welcome here

Serene is the setting
Serenity is the goal
With many hooves patrolling these grounds
There's no need to be in control

Relinquish your inhibitions
Renounce your social curse
For everyone is beautiful within these walls
Embracing the individual first

Security will be a priority
Secure will be the first thing you feel
Guided by a firm yet loving curator
This shed of safety is REAL...

This step,
Moves you forward
That step,
Sets you back
Be determined to just keep moving
And not panic, when the mind attacks

Being present,
Allows growth
Numbing out,
Smothers the seed
Staying nourished, in both body and soul
Lifts the fog and allows you to breathe

Going quick,
Isn't always better
Slow and steady,
Can set the pace
Running, may not be faster
For crawling, could win the race

A flaw or difference to one,
Is a pathway towards acceptance
For another...

...In a world that embraces and encourages
a "cookie-cutter" mentality,
Individuality should be celebrated,
Not chastised!

Unknown memories
Keep invading my mind
A buried time capsule
With an arsenal decimated by time

Wrestling with the muddled thinking
Accompanied by a paralyzing fear
Happens when undeniable flashbacks
Become all too uncomfortably clear

A pain ignites and starts to dig
Burning all the way to my core
Breathing only fans the flames
Incinerating all I've ever adored

Sifting through the ashes
Of a war that's raged within
Still finding untarnished pieces of self
Longing to be whole again

Locks cannot contain the force
That innately exudes from every being
So nurture it,
And allow it to consume you
Create fully,
With every facet of your heart
In order to achieve
True nourishment of the soul

You must not know
The pain I hide
So, I tuck it away
Until it burns me alive

It sears every cell
Of my weak and battered soul
Searching for a breath of air
To ignite a raging inferno

I conceal it to protect you
From a burdened and heinous fact
Past horrors are devouring me
Forcing my mind to reenact

Scenes and images I cannot fathom
Therefore, I am reluctant to share
Hoping for a bit of resilience
To save you from the crosses I bear

What I wanted was a hug from her
At a time when I needed it most
Reassurance from some loving arms
Forever keeping me safe and close

What I got was an apparent attagirl
Your strength sure makes us proud
Just cover the bruises and move forward
Speaking of it is never allowed

What I wanted was for him not to judge
Assuming that it had to be my fault
Simply by going against the grain
And not utilizing the skills I was taught

What I got was his scrutiny and doubts of faith
Citing my deficiency had gotten in the way
A reminder that God truly does keep score
Testing those of us who often go astray

You see, family plays a pivotal role in persona
Either developing solid roots of generational ties
Or they are unversed in shaping, nurturing, and growth
Unwittingly becoming the enemy in disguise

What I need from my family is a listening ear
Being supportive through silence is sometimes right
I do realize opinions will want to be shared
However, please refrain from giving me unsolicited advice

What I need is to feel heard and not admonished
For speaking against those who are no longer around
Enough damage is being done all on my own
Because my admiration and love knows no bounds

What I need most importantly is extra patience
The vile devastation caused by "them" was immense
I am working hard to heal the scars left behind
So bear with me, the journey is long and intense

They can be dark
They can be bright
Reflecting all the brilliant colors from the
morning light

They can seem empty
They can seem full
Expressing the constant ebb and flow of
society's pull

Some will remain open
Some will remain forever closed
Waiting for that moment when it's OK to be
exposed

Some will invite rigidity
Some will invite change
Hanging on to the notion that "what is"
doesn't always have to remain

It's all about perception
Eyes come in many different sizes, hues, and
clarity
So, those windows to nowhere may also be the
windows to everywhere for me