I still see you in my dreams

Often when I see you I run to you
I hug you and hold you and you smile at me


The hug felt so real
That when I woke up
I felt so empty
And cold

Would you like to age with me?

To stare into my wrinkled face

Will you still see the love you had

-for me when I was young?

Would you like to age with me?

I’ll stare into your brown eyes,

crows feet may surround them,

white whiskers on your chin

but I’ll still see the love I have,

for you no time can bend

Oh to be loved by you

How could I ever be blue?

When you love me, how you do

You used to watch me with your deep brown eyes sparkling.

I spent my whole life searching for love

As a child I did not have enough of it,
So I always had a hole.

An absence which I thought I must find someone to fill.

Only now I know that absence of love, that gaping hole, cannot be repaired by another

Only I can refill it, only I can allow it to be full.

Only I can love myself the way I needed
all those years before.

My story is becoming

I feel it in the wind

It beckons to my soft heart

And aches within my soul

My story is becoming

I see it in my pen

The way words form together

The way that they begin

My story is becoming

So listen for its whisper

I hear it quietly yearning

It waits for me to answer

My story is becoming

Though I don’t yet know what I will write

I know that it is forming

Beyond my very sight.

How to gain the confidence to complete a simple task?

You took everything from me

Before I was anything at all

A stolen childhood is irreplaceable

Lost in the fuzzy static of camcorders

I feel as if darkness is falling upon the world
A darkness that is not seen but felt
A pain that destroys peace
That hates love
Why are we so bound for destruction?

Every tree gone, every field mined for oil
Children buried under rubble
Do you feel the darkness there? Do you feel it now?

I have no words to describe this
Mother Earth is dying and so are we
While they sit in their towers
Endlessly counting
Blood money

Moon river
wider than a mile

I'm crossing you in style someday
(someday, day)

A dream maker (maker)

My heart (you heart) breaker

Wherever you're goin'

I'm goin' that way

I welcome the new year under a foggy sky

Warm breaths glowing in the cold air

Bright smiles never lie

I hope I can teach myself some self-care

I hope I can try

I welcome the new year under a foggy sky

in the middle of Oklahoma

I don’t have time for senseless scribbles written by arrogant men, hailed as classics

But I’ll spend hours pondering a sentence written by the most somber silent woman,

I’ll listen to hear her quiet voice

"Well it’s over now"

is
what
you said

While you stared into my haunted green eyes

as you spoke
my heart broke

"It’s over for you,” I agreed.

I went outside to look at the meteor shower

The sky was grey and foggy
The air was damp and cold

I tried to see the falling stars
But could only see the grey white sky

I wonder how many showers I’ve missed because of a stormy sky

I wonder how many falling stars I could’ve wished on

I have to let go of you

I have to leave behind the anchors tied to my ankles

I can’t drag them any farther

I can’t let them hold me back

Any more

You would not even exist without women

How dare you try to claim them

How dare you try to own their bodies
To control their wombs

How dare you disrespect the mother that gave you life

How dare you hate us when we created you

We’re not in the movies

But when I look into your eyes I see blue and purple static

If I stare long enough I get lost in starless pools of deep blue

I could drown in them if you’d let me

Missing lemon boy again

Turns out he’s not always so sour,
despite his shades.
I can still see his smile
I hope it never fades

With every passing hour
He crosses my mind
I wish I could see him
I miss feeling, intertwined

I wonder if he’s thinking of me?
or maybe
reading my poetry?

Looking into your eyes
I feel at home

You make me feel whole
When I lose myself

You give me a smile
Even on bad days

Thank you for being
My hide-away

I noticed I stopped being so judgmental

Maybe because I have become more human



                         and in doing so


          I have understood what being human is.


   I am flawed

                                               I make mistakes

      And

                                     I learn

                                                    
                       I improve

        I love

                                                              I hurt

                      And

    
                                  I try again.

With you I share my faults

I whisper stories of who I once was.

I close my eyes while I reveal my weaknesses, hoping you don’t leave.

I speak the thoughts that have gathered dust in my head.

Each word that falls from my lips
more anxious than the last.

Your arms pull me close so I know I’m safe

You listen.

I am learning how to find joy in myself

Not from drugs or wine or the ones I love

But through my soul, knowing deeply who I am

I’ve heard it’s possible to find joy in one’s self

And I’m trying to find it.

Every so often

I am haunted

My mind betrays my eyes
And once again I’m looking out of a window  
trapped inside a brick house

The ghosts that follow me
Remind me of each moment
That I wish I could forget  

Those around me never see
How my eyes go dim
and my smile fades

my ghosts surround me
threatening to suffocate
They appear in my dreams

no escape.

What does it mean to be truly free?

I am not sure.

I know that I am not free, that I may never be.

But I am more free than others

Why does the government decide my freedom for me?

Why can’t I help those dying across the sea?

Why do they decide who I can be?

I’m not sure I’ll ever know true freedom
while living under this system

But I’m not sure how to escape, how to truly be me

Yesterday I noticed a few blonde hairs mixed in my chestnut brown hair

They blend in until I looked closer
Little strands barely there

They reminded me of when when I was a child

Sunny hair and a freckled face
Bright blue eyes and an always smile
Big front teeth and rosy pink lips

I forget what it felt like to have blonde hair
I forgot what it was to feel free

I know my childhood was not all smiles
Mostly rainy days and hiding away

But I cherish the moments when the sun came out
And I laid in the dewy grass talking to the trees

I remember now how I loved my blonde hair
That glowed under the shining stars

I remember now how I smiled when I looked in the mirror
Loving my reflection, my whole self

Now as I stare at those few blonde hairs
I remember how beautiful I can be
I remember the child that still lives within me

I hope she never leaves

Hi again,

I’m sorry I avoided you for so long

I’m sorry I hid from the past

Sometimes looking forward is easier than facing the present

For so long I’ve tried to forget parts of you

The parts that I’m afraid of





But to be my whole self

Means looking at all my pieces

Even the ones I tried to loose


I’m sorry I hated you

I’m sorry I stopped caring

I’m sorry I stopped thinking I was beautiful


I hope you can forgive me

For all my imperfect actions

For my ignorance

And for my fear



I hope you can love me again
Like you used to


Do you remember?

Did you notice I was gone?

I read a book that reminded me of you

It reminded me of the days I wished to find a way out
To go through a door that would lead me somewhere else
somewhere better

I never found that door

And you never got better

I wish you had

Nights in Princeton

The trees watch us wander
The wind follows
The darkness creeps slowly

Surrounded by new friends
I don’t know where to look,
the trees,  
or their eyes

Why must you betray my heart when I’ve given all I had to you?

My past is like a storm cloud following me

Lightning strikes my loved ones
So all they see are my mistakes

Thunder rumbles loudly
So all I hear are my failures

Rain pours down on me
So I can not see clearly

The cloud trails my steps so I can never escape
So I relive my regrets

Harsh winds blow in my direction
So I can not move forward

And my storm cloud stays dark and grey
Above my head, my happiness at bay.

I’m learning to love the parts of myself I used to hate.
I force myself to relive my regrets, to relive my pain.
I see each memory with fresh eyes, softening my gaze so I can not judge.

It still hurts to see what I wish I could reverse
When I couldn’t see past my delusions
I hurt so many people that I loved

I can not undo what had to be done
Fate wanted my heart to go on a journey.

I am thankful for the heartache, the loss
it taught me to accept my whole self

I had to first become who I am not
To find who I am.

I am so in love with you
that I am afraid to lose you.
My heart races each time I think of what might happen.

A car crash? A fire? A police officer holding too much power?
How can I let you out of my sight when so many things threaten our happiness.

I am so afraid of loosing you
I think because I've lost so many.
Not through death, but through neglect, through years waiting to feel the love I thought they would give.

I am so afraid of loosing you because for the first time something is mine. Something that is so perfect and warm. Something I thought I might never find.

I am so afraid of loosing you.

Please don't leave me.