You would not even exist without women

How dare you try to claim them

How dare you try to own their bodies
To control their wombs

How dare you disrespect the mother that gave you life

How dare you hate us when we created you

We’re not in the movies

But when I look into your eyes I see blue and purple static

If I stare long enough I get lost in starless pools of deep blue

I could drown in them if you’d let me

Mother

Why did you let us go home to him


Why did your world not stop when I told you


I am so full of your love

But at night I wonder if your negligence discounted it

I know your mind is like mine, scattered and foggy

I know you were lost too

But I needed someone to get help

And I asked you.

I used to think we were the Little Women

Louisa May Alcott wrote about

Meg was the oldest, responsible and kind

Jo was the middle child, passionate and determined

And I was Amy, stubborn and young.

Now I see each sister in myself and in them.

Seraiah has the drive and intelligence of Jo and her independence, yet the softness of Meg, the soul of Beth. But the beauty of Amy.

Cianna is a romantic like Meg and fiery like Amy, she always knew what she wanted. Like Jo she never gave up and chose what was right for her. Like Beth she finds solace in her home.

And myself..

I still bear the bluntness of Amy, her stubborn realism. But my writing is of Jo’s spirit, free and adventurous, words dancing across the page. I love like Meg does and strive to be like Beth, she appears in my homeliness.

We may not be the girls Alcott wrote of but our stories live on in my script. Our childhood selves saved away in the corners of my mind, waiting to appear on a page, preserved.

One day I’ll write us, our story, our lives


But to me we’ll always be my

Little Women.

Missing lemon boy again

Turns out he’s not always so sour,
despite his shades.
I can still see his smile
I hope it never fades

With every passing hour
He crosses my mind
I wish I could see him
I miss feeling, intertwined

I wonder if he’s thinking of me?
or maybe
reading my poetry?

Looking into your eyes
I feel at home

You make me feel whole
When I lose myself

You give me a smile
Even on bad days

Thank you for being
My hide-away

Sometimes I hide away from my reality

I wander off into smoke filled rooms and fall into blue screens

I sleep under warm clouds that threaten to smother me

My cheeks flush

I live inside my made up world to escape what I cannot face

I lie in a bed of guilt and despair for days on end

Unable to move
Unable to feel

I lose myself in this suffocating realm
I lose all signs of life

Until I can barely breathe.






Sometimes I escape just for some air

But I found that oxygen runs through my heart, not the wind



I came back to hide again

But this time couldn’t stay

For my smoke filled rooms were full of toxic gas
And the blinding blue hurt my eyes

My clouds suddenly felt weighted
suffocating me in a sick warmth


I guess my hidden world wasn’t made for me
But for my younger self



Unable to comprehend their surroundings
Unable to process



Now I leave it behind and step into today




Breathing in the achingly beautiful

And learning how to feel.

I noticed I stopped being so judgmental

Maybe because I have become more human



                         and in doing so


          I have understood what being human is.


   I am flawed

                                               I make mistakes

      And

                                     I learn

                                                    
                       I improve

        I love

                                                              I hurt

                      And

    
                                  I try again.

I am never good enough for myself

Despite all my attempts

I fail to reach my ever high standards
That I only hold for myself

The cruel adjectives I use to describe myself while staring through the mirror

break my seven year old self’s heart

When did I stop loving her?

I know that we are different

Our personalities align

but when we walk down the street holding hands, it’s not me they’re staring at.

I wonder about the things my ancestors did that I cannot undo,
I’m afraid to know.

I wonder how yours suffered because of mine

So much hate runs in my family line

I cannot undo it, I cannot take away the fear you feel when it’s getting dark and we’re in a small town in Oklahoma.

I cannot feel what it’s like to be painfully observant of your surroundings, carefully watching those around just in case

I cannot take the burden off your shoulders that rests so heavily

But

I can hold your hand.

When they stare at you I will hold you tighter

When your eyes grow tired and your shoulders weary I can help you rest your head

When you feel distant and remember the things you don’t speak about, I will listen..

..to your words and your eyes, turning purple in the light as you look back into your self.

When you are unsure of yourself in a corporate world not made for you, I will take your hand in mine and encourage you to step forward

Even when you are alone I will stand with you and love you wholly

I cannot change what has been done
I cannot take away your burden
But I can help you bear it if you’d like
I’ll hold your hand so tight!!

I know I like to talk
But for you my sentence stops
For you I will listen to your mind, your heart, and your soul
I will hear what is said and what is unspoken
and I’ll take it all in, in silence
So I might hold your sorrows and feel your pain and laugh with you when you feel joy and cry when you cannot find tears.

I know that we are different

But I will always hold your hand

With you I share my faults

I whisper stories of who I once was.

I close my eyes while I reveal my weaknesses, hoping you don’t leave.

I speak the thoughts that have gathered dust in my head.

Each word that falls from my lips
more anxious than the last.

Your arms pull me close so I know I’m safe

You listen.

At twenty one years old I still feel like a child
I wonder when I will have it all figured out

At twenty one years old my hair is growing out in an awkward style and my body has become something foreign to me

At twenty one years old I look in the mirror and wonder where the self I knew went and if they are still there

At twenty one years old I wear glasses and brush my hands through my hair

At twenty one years old I started noticing the stretch marks that decorate my thighs

At twenty one years old my favorite place is my bed and my favorite company is him and my cats

At twenty one years old I’m finally beginning to know myself in a way I never have

At twenty one years old I can move forward away from my past, creating my own future

At twenty one years old all I want is to live in a cottage with my cats, to create art and get fat

At twenty one years old I am learning to take care of this body I have. I’m learning to self comfort and take time to my self

At twenty one years old I started loving my personality more than my appearance

At twenty one years old I feel more free than I ever have

At twenty one years old I am poor and impulsive but my mind is healing and my heart is full

At twenty one years old I am hopeful for the future I can enjoy but I’m trying to live in the present

At twenty one years old I take one day at a time. On my bike ride home I feel the wind and smell the air, I appreciate the trees that I pass by

At twenty one years old I am so much

I fall
just like a child,
in and out of melancholy

I climb a mountain every day
but I feel as if I I’m sitting at the bottom dragging my feet

I search for contentment,
for inner joy
in temporary doses of serotonin

My therapist is teaching me to love myself
I didn’t realize how bad it was
I asked her why I hate myself so much

I can see myself as a child
small and afraid
in need of someone’s hand

Now I reach out to them
I hold her close
and tell him the words I wish I had been told

There still within me
deep in my soul
behind all these years and avoidance
They still need me

I don’t have to prove myself anymore
I just have to be kind
and say the words I wish I had been told

I’ll pick up my feet
and take a few steps

So I may find myself
and forgive my faults

So I may reach a peace within my soul

So I may love my whole self and move forward

Dear dad,

There are so many things I wish I could say to you

but I know you would never listen

I wish I could tell you how your decisions affected my childhood
How your rage left me afraid
How your wives stole my confidence
How your step children stole my innocence

How your negligence made us feel so alone
How I still have dreams that I’m trapped in your house.

How can you not recognize the pain you caused?

How can you not see the scars on me?

I shouldn’t have to remind you of your atrocities
So many wrongs you never acknowledged
Your actions never matched your words

I used to hope you’d get better

but you never did

I gave up on you

but the pain still burns in my heart

For the father I never had

For the dad I wanted so badly

And for the monster I had instead

Every so often

I am haunted

My mind betrays my eyes
And once again I’m looking out of a window  
trapped inside a brick house

The ghosts that follow me
Remind me of each moment
That I wish I could forget  

Those around me never see
How my eyes go dim
and my smile fades

my ghosts surround me
threatening to suffocate
They appear in my dreams

no escape.

How am I supposed to know my soulmate?

How can I make that decision?

How can I decide my fate?

I am still so young.

I love him right now,

But will I forever?

What if time goes by
and I can’t remember
the love he gave me
the joy I felt

What if he moves for me
only to regret his decision

What if I don’t want him around one day
but I’ve already committed?

How am I supposed to know my soulmate?

How can I make that decision?

How can I decide my fate?

I have so much life left to live.

I like it with you
but what if one day I don’t
I can’t see the future
but I hope that I won’t

I hope for a perfect life with you

but perfection is implausible

rushing feels illogical

but if I do not decide eventually

we may be separated eternally


I hope one day I can know

How to recognize my soulmate

How to make the decision

to change my fate.

What does it mean to be truly free?

I am not sure.

I know that I am not free, that I may never be.

But I am more free than others

Why does the government decide my freedom for me?

Why can’t I help those dying across the sea?

Why do they decide who I can be?

I’m not sure I’ll ever know true freedom
while living under this system

But I’m not sure how to escape, how to truly be me

Yesterday I noticed a few blonde hairs mixed in my chestnut brown hair

They blend in until I looked closer
Little strands barely there

They reminded me of when when I was a child

Sunny hair and a freckled face
Bright blue eyes and an always smile
Big front teeth and rosy pink lips

I forget what it felt like to have blonde hair
I forgot what it was to feel free

I know my childhood was not all smiles
Mostly rainy days and hiding away

But I cherish the moments when the sun came out
And I laid in the dewy grass talking to the trees

I remember now how I loved my blonde hair
That glowed under the shining stars

I remember now how I smiled when I looked in the mirror
Loving my reflection, my whole self

Now as I stare at those few blonde hairs
I remember how beautiful I can be
I remember the child that still lives within me

I hope she never leaves

Hi again,

I’m sorry I avoided you for so long

I’m sorry I hid from the past

Sometimes looking forward is easier than facing the present

For so long I’ve tried to forget parts of you

The parts that I’m afraid of





But to be my whole self

Means looking at all my pieces

Even the ones I tried to loose


I’m sorry I hated you

I’m sorry I stopped caring

I’m sorry I stopped thinking I was beautiful


I hope you can forgive me

For all my imperfect actions

For my ignorance

And for my fear



I hope you can love me again
Like you used to


Do you remember?

Did you notice I was gone?

I read a book that reminded me of you

It reminded me of the days I wished to find a way out
To go through a door that would lead me somewhere else
somewhere better

I never found that door

And you never got better

I wish you had

Nights in Princeton

The trees watch us wander
The wind follows
The darkness creeps slowly

Surrounded by new friends
I don’t know where to look,
the trees,  
or their eyes

The air flows through my AC unit noisily
I stare at the ceiling thinking about my life,

What I could be

Laying in bed so often makes me feel worthless
As if getting enough sleep is lazy,

I just need rest

My mind is my enemy, every-time I find peace
It forces me to relive my regrets,

I wish I knew how to make the voices cease

I was taught to be overly critical of myself
And I’m having a hard time unlearning,

Reliving memories I had put on a shelf

I’m trying my best but it’s so tiring
How can I escape the constant spiraling?

Learning to love myself as I am
Is harder than I thought,

When will I begin to understand?

I’m not sure I’m made to bear the weight of living

I thought love might ease the pain
But now it only causes further heartbreak

I feel so lost all the time
My mind wanders in and out of consciousness
And my heart feels cold

My medicine keeps me going
I complete the tasks I know I must do
but I’ve lost my passion, now replaced with fatigue

I wait for each day to end
And when it does I miss the sun

Will I ever find my light again?

Why must you betray my heart when I’ve given all I had to you?

My past is like a storm cloud following me

Lightning strikes my loved ones
So all they see are my mistakes

Thunder rumbles loudly
So all I hear are my failures

Rain pours down on me
So I can not see clearly

The cloud trails my steps so I can never escape
So I relive my regrets

Harsh winds blow in my direction
So I can not move forward

And my storm cloud stays dark and grey
Above my head, my happiness at bay.

You used to take me shopping
You let me get new things

You thought it might help me forget
The hurtful words you liked to scream

But I never wanted your baggage
You disguised as your love

I just wanted a dad

I wanted genuine love, the kind that doesn’t have a price
But you don’t  even know what love is

I’m sorry your dad hurt you
I’m sorry your brother was mean

But I wish you would’ve healed
Instead of taking it out on me.

I’m learning to love the parts of myself I used to hate.
I force myself to relive my regrets, to relive my pain.
I see each memory with fresh eyes, softening my gaze so I can not judge.

It still hurts to see what I wish I could reverse
When I couldn’t see past my delusions
I hurt so many people that I loved

I can not undo what had to be done
Fate wanted my heart to go on a journey.

I am thankful for the heartache, the loss
it taught me to accept my whole self

I had to first become who I am not
To find who I am.

I am so in love with you
that I am afraid to lose you.
My heart races each time I think of what might happen.

A car crash? A fire? A police officer holding too much power?
How can I let you out of my sight when so many things threaten our happiness.

I am so afraid of loosing you
I think because I've lost so many.
Not through death, but through neglect, through years waiting to feel the love I thought they would give.

I am so afraid of loosing you because for the first time something is mine. Something that is so perfect and warm. Something I thought I might never find.

I am so afraid of loosing you.

Please don't leave me.

I used to wish to stop the world with one look,
to make my mark.

Now I just want to curl up with a good book.

When you feel far away
I muster up a memory from long ago

The last time I held you or felt your touch
The last time I slept by your side
When you told me “i love you so much”

When I can’t feel you I hold on to what you left
A too big sweatshirt that still smells like you
Is my only comfort

I can’t quite describe the smell
A mix of smoke and fresh laundry transport my mind to images of you
Your smile so big, your eyes sparkling

Your beautiful brown eyes full of sorrow
it feels wrong to see them so sad.
Your head is cloudy full of familiar thoughts
judging each misstep.
You see yourself as a failure
A boy who couldn’t measure up.
You tell me how you hate yourself
how you wish you didn’t exist.
Your critical mind may only see your failures
But I try and remind you of your success’
I see you for who you are
Full of love and laughter
All you want is to make the world smile
I just wish it would smile back
You care so much for everyone else
That you forget yourself
Perhaps that’s why you find it hard to love
When you look into the mirror?
You’ve come so far and worked so hard
So why do you let yourself think all these negative things?
To me, you are kind, thoughtful, caring, smart, hardworking, loving, handsome, and my favorite person. I hope one day you can see me as I see you. You are so perfect to me.

A naive little girl
believed someone would come to save her

Late nights hiding away in her bedroom
she dreamed of a life far away from here

The movies she watched always had a hero
So where was hers?

I find myself in your gaze

I see all that I can be while you hold my hand

Every touch grants a new vision

Of the life I wish to live

Laying next to you I dream of our future

Every time I lose my footing
I fall down and cry
Just like a little girl, tripping over her own feet.

I am older now but my tears never waver.
They well up in my eyes, I can not hold them back.
My anxieties overwhelm my thoughts
My eyes only see my failures

I am thankful that you watch me
even when I hide my face
You ask me what is wrong
even when I cannot speak

As tears run down my face you hold me close
You tell me you won’t ever let me go

You withstand my storms
and wake me from my nightmares
You listen to me, my fears and all
and calm my frenzied mind

My emotions are unstable.
Although I try so hard to function
I can not always

You told me you love me just how I am
and appreciate every flaw
You tell me I am more than I see
and that you’ll never leave me behind.

Leaves fall onto dirt floors
Autumn winds smell of fresh air and the cold

Thunderstorms rage asking for war
Trees turn bare; naked, yet bold

The skies turn a clear blue that I adore
And the child, not yet grown up, feels old

Your sweatshirt smells of smoke and laundry detergent, just like you

I am a book
worn out and torn
read so many times the pages are creased
many have heard my story
few have read it all
but each word is meant for me
to speak before I fall

Sometimes my eyes cloud with anxiety
Everything feels so imperfect
I try and connect with you but I’m in another world.

Sometimes you are lost in your thoughts
silent and observing
I told you I need attention, but you cannot always provide it.

Our insecurities manifest themselves
into our thoughts

Even on those distant days where I am sad and you are far away
I remind myself that my feelings are not always what they seem

I pick myself back up and learn to breathe on my own
So I can hold your hand again and you can let your thoughts be known.

Innocence is lost
in my hasty decisions

I regret every step I took

but the past cannot be undone
the steps are already made

it will never be the same.

Ugly and deformed I am beheaded
by the better version of me.

Before I knew of my sins.

Before I knew of my shame.

I am not perfect

I wish I was.

I wish I could be what you deserved.

I’m sorry I could not heal the boy that you were,
but I am not responsible for your scars.