Sometimes my eyes cloud with anxiety
Everything feels so imperfect
I try and connect with you but I’m in another world.

Sometimes you are lost in your thoughts
silent and observing
I told you I need attention, but you cannot always provide it.

Our insecurities manifest themselves
into our thoughts

Even on those distant days where I am sad and you are far away
I remind myself that my feelings are not always what they seem

I pick myself back up and learn to breathe on my own
So I can hold your hand again and you can let your thoughts be known.

Innocence is lost
in my hasty decisions

I regret every step I took

but the past cannot be undone
the steps are already made

it will never be the same.

Ugly and deformed I am beheaded
by the better version of me.

Before I knew of my sins.

Before I knew of my shame.

I am not perfect

I wish I was.

I wish I could be what you deserved.

I’m sorry I could not heal the boy that you were,
but I am not responsible for your scars.

I thought you should know
What I notice about you.

You pull me close when you notice I’m quiet
and when I’m too loud you let me shout.
You rub my back and stroke my hair
even when your eyes are tired.
You drive for me when I’ve been smoking
and tuck me in to bed.
You breathe for me when my lungs stop working
and hold up my head.
You wipe my teary eyes with your hands
and remind me who I am
You give yourself to me despite your fears
“I’ll love you forever” you whisper in my ears.
I’m so thankful that you’re in my life
I hope to never leave your side.

My love is a privilege

please remember that

I’ll write you poems

when you run out of words

when you can’t breathe

I’ll offer my lungs

to you I give myself

I ask for only one thing

If you could just love me back

I don’t need a ring.

I hide in between spaces of seeing you

wrapped in your arms I forget my sorrows.

When I’m alone my thoughts darken,

I feel cold, loneliness follows.


Stay by my side all night long,

so my nightmares are only dreams.

Waking up next to you, feeling your arms

My mind is assured nothing is wrong.

Piece by piece you took me apart

Beginning with my sanity,

then my loved ones

I watched as you took them away

Next my thoughts, no longer my own

Piece by piece you robbed me of myself

I looked in the mirror but saw someone else

Who had I become?

What have you done?

I began to collect each piece you stole

I gathered them up and arranged them like so

First my lungs so I could breathe

Next, my eyes to see, more clearly

Then my hands to hold on to theirs,
I couldn’t do it alone.

I may have put myself back together

But I am not who I was.

I waved goodbye to the self that I once knew,

To welcome the one that knows my weaknesses

Broken to the point of no return

Built back up to be who I am.

The soft willow tree
swayed in the wind
and breathed with the sea

It’s branches became twisted
more rigid and splintered
It’s breath more ragged

It’s roots stopped growing
The trunk turned dark
leaves fell one by one until nothing was left

Dried out standing alone
It began to rot

No one likes a rotted tree

No one likes a lost soul

A smaller tree sprouted in a new place
Near the ocean

It didn’t sway as softly
Or breathe with the sea
But
it
never
let
itself
rot

Tears fill my eyes as I watch your shadow fade,

off to fulfill its purpose, I let it leave.

Although my heart followed you, my body stayed.

Once again I’m all alone, I grieve

left to wonder how I might fill the hole in my chest.

An hour goes by that feels like forever

I close my eyes, not to rest…

but to picture me and you together.

How can I bear through this pain?

Whisper to me when you miss me

When will I see you………again?

I’ll carve our initials into a tree and pray to god that one day he’ll set me free.

And in that moment,
your eyes were full of love

And all
I could see
was you.

I wrote out my trauma
like a letter for someone else

I’m not sure why,
but I needed it to be seen

To be heard

Something that always confused me
was why I could never talk about those things

For some reason
saying what needs to be said
wasn’t welcome in my home

I wanted to die for a long time

To give in to eternal sleep
To end the constant anxiety
No more responsibilities
Only rest.

I even tried once.

Now I find myself wanting to live

For so long I lived for others
So they wouldn’t have to lose me

Now I want to live for myself

I know I won’t always have good days
And I will still struggle with anxiety

But if I can live for myself
Than it’s worth it
If I can stop fading
And start shining like I used to
I just might be okay.

Your brown eyes softly stare
into my starless sea

My endless story
You listen, no urgency

I hear your heart beat as I lay on your chest
I count the beats,
until my eyes give in to rest

I’ll hold your hand so you can fall asleep
I’ll visit you in your dreams
My heart is yours to keep

Wandering in and out of what could be

I used to fear a missed opportunity

Now I’m thankful for what I lost
Despite the pain,
I grew into who I am.

An unusual kiss

from an old friend

I didn’t think
this is how it would end

My reaper stole me away
before you could hold me

resting in my coffin
Permanently lost

One hand still open,
searching for what couldn’t be

Cursed to sleep
in my misery

Little cottage
In my dreams

Wait for me…

Under the stars

Large windows letting in the breeze
A vast garden
Some willow trees

Sunny days
And some spots of shade
The nights may be dark
But I am not afraid

A few squirrels
And a little cat

So fluffy you might think it’s fat

Me and my someone
Spending our days there
Just us, the trees, and the quiet air….

My mirror looks back at me.

Sometimes I ignore it
Other times I stare

Green eyes are all I see.

I tap the glass
Only to fall in
For eternity

Slipping through

R

         e
  
              A
                  
                   L
                      
                      i

                      T

                    y

I tap the glass again
There’s someone else
Not me?

‘To be or not to be’

The question unanswered

Eventually my stare falters
Thrown off by fears

My face remains a mystery

My body warping as
A light flickers
—————————-
I tap once more
The glass
shatters.

A million knives in skin that doesn’t feel like mine

Smiling through the pain
It’s a flaw in my design

For when I’m bleeding
I forget the warped image in the mirror

Instead I feel free
I disappear
So happily.

Imperfect selfs

Yet no sign of despair

Love is unconditional
Despite the mistakes

All the little things
Fall away

Only you.

I read your poems

Is this what you were trying to say?

Swirling around us
Thoughts of tomorrow

Until
We’re pulled in
Sharing our energies
This is synergy

The boy made of wax
Lit now and melting fast
Lost in your eyes
My hand in yours
Contrast

Take me to your starless sea
I want to know you
Endlessly

Squinting only to see you in focus
Every so often I look at your face
Admiring what I have
Staying over at your place

Warm skin and soft lips
Let’s stay forever in this moment
Lost in space and time
Lemon boy and me

I read a poem you wrote
Titled ‘Trees’

My stomach fluttering every-time I feel your touch
Holding me so close
Until I can’t breathe

So close but not enough
Tangled up in my sleeves

“My eyes are just brown”
But so much more

Purple gaze with a starlight haze

Moonlight can only account for some

The sun comes up
Sweeping over our faces
Deep brown and see-through

I could be blue?

But not with you.

Rosy cheeks and big smiles

Even when my blush fades
My smile starts to go-away
And your rain cloud re-appears
Dimming your energy
You hear your fears

I’ll still find some butterflies
Just for you and I

My eyes can’t lie

No matter how much I try.

Kept in a jar and saved until now
Letting them free
Every time I see you once more

open the door.

There they are again
Flying so sweetly
I’ll save a few more
for next time

Butterflies in my hair
Butterflies everywhere

I’m
Intertwined
With you
Without a care
Holding my heart
Please don’t let it tear.

Butterflies in my heart
And in my mind
Changing my perspective
Re-defined

The naked trees surround
A dark winding concrete road

They’ve lost their decor
Once bearing leaves with color
Now absent

Knotted branches resemble the *** holes
A few ghost towns

Abandoned souls.

Spirits sweep the path in a dust

Snowflakes appearing alongside
Intertwined with the freezing air

Falling slowly
Softly
Slowly

Just as
Snow
Found its home on the ground

So may I

Lost but not searching

Monsters lurking.

As I approach this new year

I will put myself first

Self-care
Consistency
And keeping those I love
Close to me

I will find success in everything I do
I will grow my wealth and my knowledge

I will follow my intuition
And continue to use my abilities to help others
Growing my spiritual gifts
So I may see

I will use my passions to create beautiful things
I will make a difference in this world
I will be an advocate for those who cannot speak up

Above all I will remember to take time to myself
I will listen first, then share
I will show them I care.

I am protected and so are my loved ones
No harm be done
And blessed be

Im not sure why

The king chose to hurt me

Not with his sword

His words, blinded me until I could not see.

A lot of my drawings have blindfold’s
I think the king put them there


Once I ran away,
I took the blindfold off

At first, the lights were too bright
Burning my eyes until I couldn’t think

But a part of me liked regaining
my sight

I often still feel the kings presence
Even when I’m alone.
Sometimes in my closet
Or behind me in the mirror
His evil stare
Judges me
Even there

Now I must face him again
But with a new perspective
I can see, and he could too
He just refuses
To be new

I don’t think he ever was a king
Only an old man with a crown

Now I’ve become a knight
I’ve been training for this
With every piece of me I gain
I fight.

I don’t think I’m afraid anymore
How can you fear someone lost in their own head?

I found my light.

And he chose a blindfold.

Falling asleep
in your sweatshirt

It smells like me now

I wish it was you instead of some fabric

I miss someone I barely know
Watching the clock tick

Until I see you again

But it’s like I’ve met them before
The boy next door?

I can’t wait to be around him again
Holding me close while I fall asleep
Breathing together
In - sync

I can’t wait for more smiles
Lemon boy said he’s making lemonade
I want some
I hope we can trade

Even the rainy days
I’ll be there too
We can splash around in the puddles
Or stay inside
Warm and dry
Do some puzzles?

Only a few days more
Until your mine once again
We’ll pick up where we left off

See you then

**

Faint memories
Of the happiest moments of my childhood

Swinging was my favorite

I liked to wander in the grassy fields
Catch a few butterflies
Freeze when I saw
The bees

Soft walks home
With my too-big backpack
My little body
Minuscule in comparison
I remember it felt as if it weighed a ton

Silly talks
And lots of giggles

Science projects

That I hated
All I got was a participation award.

Still I
explored
Found a way into the trees
Biked around town
No fear
Just making my rounds

I even won a few spelling bees
Nothing big just the 4th and 5th grade
Categories

I memorized the words
With no understanding
No wonder I never made it very far

Nature acted as my mother
I found my home in the twisted branches of old oaks
The dead leaves and crab apples
invokes
Comfort

I slept under the stars
And counted them too

Stayed up all night
So I wouldn’t have to say goodbye
just greet the new day
And wish for night once more

Watching the sunrise
With a content sigh

Soft rises
Deep falls

Rushing water filling my ears
I wish to open my eyes

Surrounded by the comfort of Poseidon

Schools of fish swim by my legs
Nearby lives
A titan

I squint and feel the sting of salt water seeping in
Discomfort at first
Turns into wonder

A world within a sea
My dreams floating
Along with me

I hit the sea floor
Sand brushes my feet
Awaking my thoughts once more

Bubbles floating up and away
I decide I want to stay

Shells with endless twists and turns

Will they ever learn?

I still remember the boy with the sandy hair
He told me:

To be one with the sea
Is to
Have found a way
To be
Free.

Little lump of coal

In my stocking

I must’ve forgotten
how to be human

Santa saw me crying on the floor
Screaming and rocking
Back and forth

I forgot how to feel Christmas cheer
My reflection looks so tired
surrounded by my own fears

My mind is crippled
Shaken so hard
I malfunction
Too often

I suppose I’ve strayed too far
Away from god? Too far for Santa’s reindeer?

Nose bleeds and therapy
At least we have a Christmas tree?

I don’t mind coal
I can use it for my sketches

Maybe I’ll light a fire
Watch the flame flicker
Until it settles
And my eyes tire

This little light of mine
I guess I’ll let it shine
With my little lump of coal

My heart finds it’s own way
To feel full

‘I kissed you and your lotion kissed me back’

Little thoughts
And smiles

Big realizations
Let’s just talk

Bring more wine
And a silly mood

And I’ll go wherever
You want me to.

My summer home

My get away

Sometimes I talk too much
Social cues not there

Mind somewhere?

Thank you for grounding me

I like it when you hold me
It reminds me
Of my purpose

Your words are confusing
But I like your soft tone

Sweet and understanding

Two boys on their thrones

You’re sleeping next to me right now
Your snoring woke me up
It’s okay though
I like it when your body is quiet

Mask off
The real you
See-through

Just like me

It’s hard when everything’s confusing
But you remind me to be smart

Look Tim (my therapist)
I’m doing art!!

I’ve been taking such good care
But sometimes I forget myself

I forgot to eat enough today
It’s okay
Tomorrow I’ll remember
Just another day
In
December

Soft skin
And fluffy hair
His personality
Rare

A boy I barely knew
Lost in his own world
Found himself in his writing

Picked up his pen
And the words flew

Black and white comes too easily
Forgets to see past his shadow
I try and remind Tiempo
When Fate has time

A friend made
Not so breezily

Curls and deep thoughts
Late night poems sent
Back and forth
I’m thankful for my poet friend

God-send?

Let’s begin.

Independent
A bit headstrong,
Her kindness,
Transcendent

Her accent shapes her character.

She doubts her abilities
When she is among the strongest
The hurt of her people
Is all she sees

She’s learning to look in the mirror
Not to see the imperfections
But all the possibilities

She rarely forgets
Although she hides behind a silhouette

A fierce protector
Without discrimination

They can’t all defend themselves
So she steps in

She will give her life for her country
And for it
They love her.
I hope she sees the change she creates
A magnificent ruler.

Each step in her red spiked boots
Paving a new path
For those forgotten or lost
Walking with her,
Their roots

She takes their hand
And leads them on

No persecution

Only solutions.

A tireless advocate for those without.

No need to ask
She understands her task

…………………………….

Could you use some help?
No need to ask

Just open your eyes
And seek her out

She’ll find you
Eventually
She sees through it
The lies.

I hope one day this queen
Will find a proper king
For now she rules independently

Fighting
Endlessly.

I’m tired of hiding

But I won’t come out for the unworthy

I wish I could run away

Too bad I don’t have a place to stay

Maybe I’ll spend the night in my car?
Is that too far?

A little mouse crawling out of its hole
Starving for air
Thirsting for freedom

Green trees and shimmering dew drops

Sun-rays dancing

The forest floor feels cold to the touch
Soft after rainfall

The first steps of independence
Taken methodically
Smelling new life and rich soil
One step at a time

Until the beast appears

I’m growing and changing
Sorry it took so long

I’m learning how to fit in
And sing my own song

All my mistakes
Were part of my masking

Doesn’t excuse them
Just please understand
The difficulty
Of the task

I’m this way for a reason
I can’t change my seasons
But I’m getting help

Learning to take off
My
Mask

Don’t speak, listen

When you need it
Just ask

Dear lemon boy,

I heard you’re writing about me
Be careful
You’re making me feel special

Once I’m stuck I have a hard time letting go
I think I’m falling?

****

Oh no.

I don’t mind I’m just scared of getting hurt
I hope it won’t and I hope you care

Why is there so much love in the air?

The skeptic in me is in awe

You showed up when I was least expecting
And now I can’t seem to let you go

I hope that’s okay
Save this for a rainy day

Turns out monster boy has issues

Some of them make sense
Some don’t.
They’re learning.

Gears are turning.

I’m not special needs I just have some disabilities

See me for who I am
Not for my weakness’

As a child I listened for small voices

Little footsteps and mini hand prints

Night light left on
To welcome the visitors

They never said hello

I guess I’ll never know….

Tiempo told me I was like alcohol
Good in measured amounts
but really a poison

I suppose in some way Tiempo was right
Even if their motivations were more from a place of resentment

I’m a lot
And most people can’t handle me

I try and give them measured amounts
But I can only hold myself back for so long
Before you know it I’m just me
Walls down

I guess most people don’t like that
The genuine words spoken
Are taken like a dagger
To their hearts
When they were meant to
Heal
Their open wounds

I suppose I’ll never get it right
I can’t fix the already broken
Even when I know what they need

I may be alcohol but I don’t have to be poison
That’s up to the drinker

I can be soft and sweet and help slow down a chaotic day
I can make you laugh and smile
Even cry when you need.

And when your done I’ll be there to get you through the next day

Some people abuse me
Through the way they use me

But I don’t think I was made to be drank
Poison is meant to be kept in a bottle
It’s pretty
But you don’t touch it

Do you blame the poison?
Or the hands that opened it?

I hope Tiempo reads this and writes me a response.
I’m awfully invested in their thoughts

I hope they stop seeing me as something to drink
Instead as something to admire
After all alcohol can be a nice beverage
I love a good wine
in measured amounts
I know how to handle myself

Do you?

A warm embrace
Or so they thought

Warm at first
Then it got hot

Piles of blankets
Suddenly smothering
Stuck inside
Until you
Die

I want to leave
But I like the pain
Forgetting the hurt
What goes on in my brain.

I found a way out
Though a little late

Turns out the door was always open
I just didn’t check the lock

Stepping out onto green grass
Reminds me of an old poem I wrote

The first steps take a while
My feet are cold
But I try and smile

After what feels like forever
I look up
And I’m not alone anymore
My heart
Will not
Feel
Sore

That old door
That I thought was locked

Has disappeared.

I won’t go back
To the place I thought was home
For now I know what love is

I am Sophie
I am Max
I am an artist

Monster boy is facing the real world for the first time
Turns out he’s doing okay
And he can still rhyme.

Wonder what adventures will come next
Sophie doesn’t know
And neither does Max

But they’re excited
For the trek.

No longer perplexed.

Monster boy is sleepy now
Today was full of self-work

He’s proud of himself
But he knows he can’t live forever
They still need sleep
Even with lemon boys sweater

Drifting off
Wishing for good dreams
And peaceful memories……

Hello Tiempo,

It’s been a while
I missed your smile

I think we’re both doing better
Just separate
But I don’t see that as an issue

Your mind is beautiful
I can hear the gears turning
Everyday you’re learning

We both over share
Without a care
Oh well
I don’t mind
if you don’t.

Fate is learning too
They finally found a family to call their own
Despite the lack of blood relation
Kind of a strange situation

She hopes she didn’t hurt you too much
He knows you’re strong
But still wishes they hadn’t made a mistake

But life happens
Fate and time had to meet
To work together

I’m so thankful
To have you near
Even if sometimes
You’re like a worm in my ear

We are pretty good at helping
But we don’t like to listen

Stubborn and hurting
That’s ok
I don’t mind starting to grow
And it shows

Can’t wait to see the man you become
No more Mr. Lonely
Just Tiempo
The only

The
Boy
Who
Found
A way
To
Understand.

Hello again
It’s me
Soph-ie

Tomorrow I’m going to therapy
I’m really nervous

But I’m gonna do really well
I’ll be comfortable
And maybe make new friends?

Help me through this if you can

But either way I will do it
And I will stay strong

I’ve been working on myself
And they will see

Lemon boy smiles
I don’t dream anymore
But if I did I know you’d be there
You broke through my walls
I hope you know
I’m yours
Are you mine?

Can’t control what I say
Hope that’s ok

I try my best to distract
From what is and what’s
Grey

Wolves coming from all over
During the night

Will you stay or will you fight?

I like your presence it makes me feel warm

I guess I kinda like
Being wrapped in your arms

It’s weird for me
Because I expected someone else

But no matter what
My heart will always
Melt

Eventually.