I used to wish to stop the world with one look,
to make my mark.

Now I just want to curl up with a good book.

When you feel far away
I muster up a memory from long ago

The last time I held you or felt your touch
The last time I slept by your side
When you told me “i love you so much”

When I can’t feel you I hold on to what you left
A too big sweatshirt that still smells like you
Is my only comfort

I can’t quite describe the smell
A mix of smoke and fresh laundry transport my mind to images of you
Your smile so big, your eyes sparkling

A naive little girl
believed someone would come to save her

Late nights hiding away in her bedroom
she dreamed of a life far away from here

The movies she watched always had a hero
So where was hers?

I find myself in your gaze

I see all that I can be while you hold my hand

Every touch grants a new vision

Of the life I wish to live

Laying next to you I dream of our future

Every time I lose my footing
I fall down and cry
Just like a little girl, tripping over her own feet.

I am older now but my tears never waver.
They well up in my eyes, I can not hold them back.
My anxieties overwhelm my thoughts
My eyes only see my failures

I am thankful that you watch me
even when I hide my face
You ask me what is wrong
even when I cannot speak

As tears run down my face you hold me close
You tell me you won’t ever let me go

You withstand my storms
and wake me from my nightmares
You listen to me, my fears and all
and calm my frenzied mind

My emotions are unstable.
Although I try so hard to function
I can not always

You told me you love me just how I am
and appreciate every flaw
You tell me I am more than I see
and that you’ll never leave me behind.

Leaves fall onto dirt floors
Autumn winds smell of fresh air and the cold

Thunderstorms rage asking for war
Trees turn bare; naked, yet bold

The skies turn a clear blue that I adore
And the child, not yet grown up, feels old

Your sweatshirt smells of smoke and laundry detergent, just like you

I am a book
worn out and torn
read so many times the pages are creased
many have heard my story
few have read it all
but each word is meant for me
to speak before I fall

Sometimes my eyes cloud with anxiety
Everything feels so imperfect
I try and connect with you but I’m in another world.

Sometimes you are lost in your thoughts
silent and observing
I told you I need attention, but you cannot always provide it.

Our insecurities manifest themselves
into our thoughts

Even on those distant days where I am sad and you are far away
I remind myself that my feelings are not always what they seem

I pick myself back up and learn to breathe on my own
So I can hold your hand again and you can let your thoughts be known.

Innocence is lost
in my hasty decisions

I regret every step I took

but the past cannot be undone
the steps are already made

it will never be the same.

Ugly and deformed I am beheaded
by the better version of me.

Before I knew of my sins.

Before I knew of my shame.

I am not perfect

I wish I was.

I wish I could be what you deserved.

I’m sorry I could not heal the boy that you were,
but I am not responsible for your scars.

I thought you should know
What I notice about you.

You pull me close when you notice I’m quiet
and when I’m too loud you let me shout.
You rub my back and stroke my hair
even when your eyes are tired.
You drive for me when I’ve been smoking
and tuck me in to bed.
You breathe for me when my lungs stop working
and hold up my head.
You wipe my teary eyes with your hands
and remind me who I am
You give yourself to me despite your fears
“I’ll love you forever” you whisper in my ears.
I’m so thankful that you’re in my life
I hope to never leave your side.

My love is a privilege

please remember that

I’ll write you poems

when you run out of words

when you can’t breathe

I’ll offer my lungs

to you I give myself

I ask for only one thing

If you could just love me back

I don’t need a ring.

I hide in between spaces of seeing you

wrapped in your arms I forget my sorrows.

When I’m alone my thoughts darken,

I feel cold, loneliness follows.


Stay by my side all night long,

so my nightmares are only dreams.

Waking up next to you, feeling your arms

My mind is assured nothing is wrong.

Tears fill my eyes as I watch your shadow fade,

off to fulfill its purpose, I let it leave.

Although my heart followed you, my body stayed.

Once again I’m all alone, I grieve

left to wonder how I might fill the hole in my chest.

An hour goes by that feels like forever

I close my eyes, not to rest…

but to picture me and you together.

How can I bear through this pain?

Whisper to me when you miss me

When will I see you………again?

I’ll carve our initials into a tree and pray to god that one day he’ll set me free.

And in that moment,
your eyes were full of love

And all
I could see
was you.

Your brown eyes softly stare
into my starless sea

My endless story
You listen, no urgency

I hear your heart beat as I lay on your chest
I count the beats,
until my eyes give in to rest

I’ll hold your hand so you can fall asleep
I’ll visit you in your dreams
My heart is yours to keep

Wandering in and out of what could be

I used to fear a missed opportunity

Now I’m thankful for what I lost
Despite the pain,
I grew into who I am.

Little cottage
In my dreams

Wait for me…

Under the stars

Large windows letting in the breeze
A vast garden
Some willow trees

Sunny days
And some spots of shade
The nights may be dark
But I am not afraid

A few squirrels
And a little cat

So fluffy you might think it’s fat

Me and my someone
Spending our days there
Just us, the trees, and the quiet air….

Imperfect selfs

Yet no sign of despair

Love is unconditional
Despite the mistakes

All the little things
Fall away

Only you.

I read your poems

Is this what you were trying to say?

Swirling around us
Thoughts of tomorrow

Until
We’re pulled in
Sharing our energies
This is synergy

The boy made of wax
Lit now and melting fast
Lost in your eyes
My hand in yours
Contrast

Take me to your starless sea
I want to know you
Endlessly

Squinting only to see you in focus
Every so often I look at your face
Admiring what I have
Staying over at your place

Warm skin and soft lips
Let’s stay forever in this moment
Lost in space and time
Lemon boy and me

I read a poem you wrote
Titled ‘Trees’

My stomach fluttering every-time I feel your touch
Holding me so close
Until I can’t breathe

So close but not enough
Tangled up in my sleeves

“My eyes are just brown”
But so much more

Purple gaze with a starlight haze

Moonlight can only account for some

The sun comes up
Sweeping over our faces
Deep brown and see-through

I could be blue?

But not with you.

Rosy cheeks and big smiles

Even when my blush fades
My smile starts to go-away
And your rain cloud re-appears
Dimming your energy
You hear your fears

I’ll still find some butterflies
Just for you and I

My eyes can’t lie

No matter how much I try.

Kept in a jar and saved until now
Letting them free
Every time I see you once more

open the door.

There they are again
Flying so sweetly
I’ll save a few more
for next time

Butterflies in my hair
Butterflies everywhere

I’m
Intertwined
With you
Without a care
Holding my heart
Please don’t let it tear.

Butterflies in my heart
And in my mind
Changing my perspective
Re-defined

The naked trees surround
A dark winding concrete road

They’ve lost their decor
Once bearing leaves with color
Now absent

Knotted branches resemble the *** holes
A few ghost towns

Abandoned souls.

Spirits sweep the path in a dust

Snowflakes appearing alongside
Intertwined with the freezing air

Falling slowly
Softly
Slowly

Just as
Snow
Found its home on the ground

So may I

Lost but not searching

Monsters lurking.

As I approach this new year

I will put myself first

Self-care
Consistency
And keeping those I love
Close to me

I will find success in everything I do
I will grow my wealth and my knowledge

I will follow my intuition
And continue to use my abilities to help others
Growing my spiritual gifts
So I may see

I will use my passions to create beautiful things
I will make a difference in this world
I will be an advocate for those who cannot speak up

Above all I will remember to take time to myself
I will listen first, then share
I will show them I care.

I am protected and so are my loved ones
No harm be done
And blessed be

Falling asleep
in your sweatshirt

It smells like me now

I wish it was you instead of some fabric

I miss someone I barely know
Watching the clock tick

Until I see you again

But it’s like I’ve met them before
The boy next door?

I can’t wait to be around him again
Holding me close while I fall asleep
Breathing together
In - sync

I can’t wait for more smiles
Lemon boy said he’s making lemonade
I want some
I hope we can trade

Even the rainy days
I’ll be there too
We can splash around in the puddles
Or stay inside
Warm and dry
Do some puzzles?

Only a few days more
Until your mine once again
We’ll pick up where we left off

See you then

**

Faint memories
Of the happiest moments of my childhood

Swinging was my favorite

I liked to wander in the grassy fields
Catch a few butterflies
Freeze when I saw
The bees

Soft walks home
With my too-big backpack
My little body
Minuscule in comparison
I remember it felt as if it weighed a ton

Silly talks
And lots of giggles

Science projects

That I hated
All I got was a participation award.

Still I
explored
Found a way into the trees
Biked around town
No fear
Just making my rounds

I even won a few spelling bees
Nothing big just the 4th and 5th grade
Categories

I memorized the words
With no understanding
No wonder I never made it very far

Nature acted as my mother
I found my home in the twisted branches of old oaks
The dead leaves and crab apples
invokes
Comfort

I slept under the stars
And counted them too

Stayed up all night
So I wouldn’t have to say goodbye
just greet the new day
And wish for night once more

Watching the sunrise
With a content sigh

Soft rises
Deep falls

Rushing water filling my ears
I wish to open my eyes

Surrounded by the comfort of Poseidon

Schools of fish swim by my legs
Nearby lives
A titan

I squint and feel the sting of salt water seeping in
Discomfort at first
Turns into wonder

A world within a sea
My dreams floating
Along with me

I hit the sea floor
Sand brushes my feet
Awaking my thoughts once more

Bubbles floating up and away
I decide I want to stay

Shells with endless twists and turns

Will they ever learn?

I still remember the boy with the sandy hair
He told me:

To be one with the sea
Is to
Have found a way
To be
Free.

‘I kissed you and your lotion kissed me back’

Little thoughts
And smiles

Big realizations
Let’s just talk

Bring more wine
And a silly mood

And I’ll go wherever
You want me to.

My summer home

My get away

Sometimes I talk too much
Social cues not there

Mind somewhere?

Thank you for grounding me

I like it when you hold me
It reminds me
Of my purpose

Your words are confusing
But I like your soft tone

Sweet and understanding

Two boys on their thrones

You’re sleeping next to me right now
Your snoring woke me up
It’s okay though
I like it when your body is quiet

Mask off
The real you
See-through

Just like me

It’s hard when everything’s confusing
But you remind me to be smart

Look Tim (my therapist)
I’m doing art!!

I’ve been taking such good care
But sometimes I forget myself

I forgot to eat enough today
It’s okay
Tomorrow I’ll remember
Just another day
In
December

Soft skin
And fluffy hair
His personality
Rare

A boy I barely knew
Lost in his own world
Found himself in his writing

Picked up his pen
And the words flew

Black and white comes too easily
Forgets to see past his shadow
I try and remind Tiempo
When Fate has time

A friend made
Not so breezily

Curls and deep thoughts
Late night poems sent
Back and forth
I’m thankful for my poet friend

God-send?

Let’s begin.

As a child I listened for small voices

Little footsteps and mini hand prints

Night light left on
To welcome the visitors

They never said hello

I guess I’ll never know….

Lemon boy smiles
I don’t dream anymore
But if I did I know you’d be there
You broke through my walls
I hope you know
I’m yours
Are you mine?

Can’t control what I say
Hope that’s ok

I try my best to distract
From what is and what’s
Grey

Wolves coming from all over
During the night

Will you stay or will you fight?

I like your presence it makes me feel warm

I guess I kinda like
Being wrapped in your arms

It’s weird for me
Because I expected someone else

But no matter what
My heart will always
Melt

Eventually.

I thought I would write again to help me fall asleep

I took my final today and got an A
It was easy but it’s still something so yay

Im working on staying positive
And when the depressive hits
I let it sit and feel it fully
No more pushing the waves down
No more hiding my frown.

Hello death,

I am not afraid of you,
Many are
But I see through you

The facade of what life beyond death truly is
How can anyone know?

False prophets
The drinking of fine wines

I wonder what’s true
And I wonder what is lies

Dear Lady Moon,

I can feel your pearly white gaze,
It fills me with inner warmth

Your imperfections; your craters
They make you unlike any other

I find myself looking up at you quite often these days
I think she’s been watching over me with her midnight rays

She comes to visit me at night
With her moonbeams bright

Her light of comfort puts me in a starlight daze

I see her and she sees me
Her light shines gleefully

My protector; the watcher
I’m thankful for
my night time stalker

I suppose I’m a bit like fate and you’re a bit like time
We are the same
Twin flame?

Fate cannot choose what it wants
It rides the waves and attempts to guess

Time decides it’s every move
Careful planning
Striving to improve

We admire our differences
A perfect disharmony

A sprinkle of logic
And a heaping of chaos

We meet in the middle
But never further

For we’re still independent
The participant and the observer

I get it now

502 Bad Gateway

what a rather disappointing thing to say

I hope it goes away...