MuseumofMax

MuseumofMax Mar 22

Anxiety

I overthink everything

and it’s exhausting

I wish I could stop
and I’m trying

But it’s hard to unlearn what used to help me survive

Now it only clouds my mind.

I’m so tired of not being able to enjoy things I love
for fear that they won’t last

I’m tired of worrying about how I will do
on my next test

I’m so mentally drained

My self doubt screams in my ears

You try and tell me to calm down
And I’m sorry because it doesn’t always work

…

I’m sorry to myself for forgetting how to be care-free

I’m trying to quiet the monsters in my head
and lay down on your chest

I remember the other day what you said
and it made my head hurt a little less

One day I won’t let my anxieties run my life

One day I’ll go beyond my doubts
and my brain can finally rest

No more tests
No more doubts
No more wondering how I can get out

I’ll find the peace I’ve been crying for
and leave behind my worries,
Cast-away, never more

And finally I’ll see
My life was right in front of me

It’s sort of all over the place but I guess that fits the title

#anxiety #stress #doubts

MuseumofMax Mar 11

A letter never sent

Dear dad,

There are so many things I wish I could say to you

but I know you would never listen

I wish I could tell you how your decisions affected my childhood
How your rage left me afraid
How your wives stole my confidence
How your step children stole my innocence

How your negligence made us feel so alone
How I still have dreams that I’m trapped in your house.

How can you not recognize the pain you caused?

How can you not see the scars on me?

I shouldn’t have to remind you of your atrocities
So many wrongs you never acknowledged
Your actions never matched your words

I used to hope you’d get better

but you never did

I gave up on you

but the pain still burns in my heart

For the father I never had

For the dad I wanted so badly

And for the monster I had instead

MuseumofMax Mar 11

Ghosts

Every so often

I am haunted

My mind betrays my eyes
And once again I’m looking out of a window
trapped inside a brick house

The ghosts that follow me
Remind me of each moment
That I wish I could forget

Those around me never see
How my eyes go dim
and my smile fades

my ghosts surround me
threatening to suffocate
They appear in my dreams

no escape.

#past #memories #trauma

MuseumofMax Mar 6

Untitled

How am I supposed to know my soulmate?

How can I make that decision?

How can I decide my fate?

I am still so young.

I love him right now,

But will I forever?

What if time goes by
and I can’t remember
the love he gave me
the joy I felt

What if he moves for me
only to regret his decision

What if I don’t want him around one day
but I’ve already committed?

How am I supposed to know my soulmate?

How can I make that decision?

How can I decide my fate?

I have so much life left to live.

I like it with you
but what if one day I don’t
I can’t see the future
but I hope that I won’t

I hope for a perfect life with you

but perfection is implausible

rushing feels illogical

but if I do not decide eventually

we may be separated eternally

I hope one day I can know

How to recognize my soulmate

How to make the decision

to change my fate.

MuseumofMax Feb 21

Freedom?

What does it mean to be truly free?

I am not sure.

I know that I am not free, that I may never be.

But I am more free than others

Why does the government decide my freedom for me?

Why can’t I help those dying across the sea?

Why do they decide who I can be?

I’m not sure I’ll ever know true freedom
while living under this system

But I’m not sure how to escape, how to truly be me

#freedom #government #gaza

MuseumofMax Jan 22

Blonde hair

Yesterday I noticed a few blonde hairs mixed in my chestnut brown hair

They blend in until I looked closer
Little strands barely there

They reminded me of when when I was a child

Sunny hair and a freckled face
Bright blue eyes and an always smile
Big front teeth and rosy pink lips

I forget what it felt like to have blonde hair
I forgot what it was to feel free

I know my childhood was not all smiles
Mostly rainy days and hiding away

But I cherish the moments when the sun came out
And I laid in the dewy grass talking to the trees

I remember now how I loved my blonde hair
That glowed under the shining stars

I remember now how I smiled when I looked in the mirror
Loving my reflection, my whole self

Now as I stare at those few blonde hairs
I remember how beautiful I can be
I remember the child that still lives within me

I hope she never leaves

#childhood #sun #blonde #hair

MuseumofMax Jan 18

A letter from my soul

You have given me a love I cannot understand

I cannot express in words the great joy you bring me

The glee you make me feel in my tummy when you touch me

The shivers I feel when you watch me with those purple-brown eyes

The warmth I feel when you hold me as close as you can so I don’t feel afraid

The relief you bring me knowing I will always be loved by you

No longer left alone, wondering when I will be saved

You opened my door and let the light in

Now we sun bathe in our boxers

We glow with the aura of our souls

Intertwined in one another

Somehow love is not good enough to describe how I feel for you

I am utterly, deeply, wholly devoted to you

My friend, confidant, lover, companion

My forever home

I love you Kobe.

#love #relationships #feelings