I know that we are different

Our personalities align

but when we walk down the street holding hands, it’s not me they’re staring at.

I wonder about the things my ancestors did that I cannot undo,
I’m afraid to know.

I wonder how yours suffered because of mine

So much hate runs in my family line

I cannot undo it, I cannot take away the fear you feel when it’s getting dark and we’re in a small town in Oklahoma.

I cannot feel what it’s like to be painfully observant of your surroundings, carefully watching those around just in case

I cannot take the burden off your shoulders that rests so heavily

But

I can hold your hand.

When they stare at you I will hold you tighter

When your eyes grow tired and your shoulders weary I can help you rest your head

When you feel distant and remember the things you don’t speak about, I will listen..

..to your words and your eyes, turning purple in the light as you look back into your self.

When you are unsure of yourself in a corporate world not made for you, I will take your hand in mine and encourage you to step forward

Even when you are alone I will stand with you and love you wholly

I cannot change what has been done
I cannot take away your burden
But I can help you bear it if you’d like
I’ll hold your hand so tight!!

I know I like to talk
But for you my sentence stops
For you I will listen to your mind, your heart, and your soul
I will hear what is said and what is unspoken
and I’ll take it all in, in silence
So I might hold your sorrows and feel your pain and laugh with you when you feel joy and cry when you cannot find tears.

I know that we are different

But I will always hold your hand

With you I share my faults

I whisper stories of who I once was.

I close my eyes while I reveal my weaknesses, hoping you don’t leave.

I speak the thoughts that have gathered dust in my head.

Each word that falls from my lips
more anxious than the last.

Your arms pull me close so I know I’m safe

You listen.

At twenty one years old I still feel like a child
I wonder when I will have it all figured out

At twenty one years old my hair is growing out in an awkward style and my body has become something foreign to me

At twenty one years old I look in the mirror and wonder where the self I knew went and if they are still there

At twenty one years old I wear glasses and brush my hands through my hair

At twenty one years old I started noticing the stretch marks that decorate my thighs

At twenty one years old my favorite place is my bed and my favorite company is him and my cats

At twenty one years old I’m finally beginning to know myself in a way I never have

At twenty one years old I can move forward away from my past, creating my own future

At twenty one years old all I want is to live in a cottage with my cats, to create art and get fat

At twenty one years old I am learning to take care of this body I have. I’m learning to self comfort and take time to my self

At twenty one years old I started loving my personality more than my appearance

At twenty one years old I feel more free than I ever have

At twenty one years old I am poor and impulsive but my mind is healing and my heart is full

At twenty one years old I am hopeful for the future I can enjoy but I’m trying to live in the present

At twenty one years old I take one day at a time. On my bike ride home I feel the wind and smell the air, I appreciate the trees that I pass by

At twenty one years old I am so much

I fall
just like a child,
in and out of melancholy

I climb a mountain every day
but I feel as if I I’m sitting at the bottom dragging my feet

I search for contentment,
for inner joy
in temporary doses of serotonin

My therapist is teaching me to love myself
I didn’t realize how bad it was
I asked her why I hate myself so much

I can see myself as a child
small and afraid
in need of someone’s hand

Now I reach out to them
I hold her close
and tell him the words I wish I had been told

There still within me
deep in my soul
behind all these years and avoidance
They still need me

I don’t have to prove myself anymore
I just have to be kind
and say the words I wish I had been told

I’ll pick up my feet
and take a few steps

So I may find myself
and forgive my faults

So I may reach a peace within my soul

So I may love my whole self and move forward

Dear dad,

There are so many things I wish I could say to you

but I know you would never listen

I wish I could tell you how your decisions affected my childhood
How your rage left me afraid
How your wives stole my confidence
How your step children stole my innocence

How your negligence made us feel so alone
How I still have dreams that I’m trapped in your house.

How can you not recognize the pain you caused?

How can you not see the scars on me?

I shouldn’t have to remind you of your atrocities
So many wrongs you never acknowledged
Your actions never matched your words

I used to hope you’d get better

but you never did

I gave up on you

but the pain still burns in my heart

For the father I never had

For the dad I wanted so badly

And for the monster I had instead

Every so often

I am haunted

My mind betrays my eyes
And once again I’m looking out of a window  
trapped inside a brick house

The ghosts that follow me
Remind me of each moment
That I wish I could forget  

Those around me never see
How my eyes go dim
and my smile fades

my ghosts surround me
threatening to suffocate
They appear in my dreams

no escape.