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6d · 33
Anxiety
I overthink everything

and it’s exhausting

I wish I could stop
and I’m trying

But it’s hard to unlearn what used to help me survive

Now it only clouds my mind.

I’m so tired of not being able to enjoy things I love
for fear that they won’t last

I’m tired of worrying about how I will do
on my next test

I’m so mentally drained

My self doubt screams in my ears

You try and tell me to calm down
And I’m sorry because it doesn’t always work

  …

I’m sorry to myself for forgetting how to be care-free

I’m trying to quiet the monsters in my head
and lay down on your chest

I remember the other day what you said
and it made my head hurt a little less

One day I won’t let my anxieties run my life

One day I’ll go beyond my doubts
and my brain can finally rest

No more tests
No more doubts
No more wondering how I can get out

I’ll find the peace I’ve been crying for
and leave behind my worries,
Cast-away, never more

And finally I’ll see
My life was right in front of me
It’s sort of all over the place but I guess that fits the title
Mar 11 · 43
A letter never sent
MuseumofMax Mar 11
Dear dad,

There are so many things I wish I could say to you

but I know you would never listen

I wish I could tell you how your decisions affected my childhood
How your rage left me afraid
How your wives stole my confidence
How your step children stole my innocence

How your negligence made us feel so alone
How I still have dreams that I’m trapped in your house.

How can you not recognize the pain you caused?

How can you not see the scars on me?

I shouldn’t have to remind you of your atrocities
So many wrongs you never acknowledged
Your actions never matched your words

I used to hope you’d get better

but you never did

I gave up on you

but the pain still burns in my heart

For the father I never had

For the dad I wanted so badly

And for the monster I had instead
Mar 11 · 291
Ghosts
MuseumofMax Mar 11
Every so often

I am haunted

My mind betrays my eyes
And once again I’m looking out of a window  
trapped inside a brick house

The ghosts that follow me
Remind me of each moment
That I wish I could forget  

Those around me never see
How my eyes go dim
and my smile fades

my ghosts surround me
threatening to suffocate
They appear in my dreams

no escape.
Mar 6 · 32
Untitled
MuseumofMax Mar 6
How am I supposed to know my soulmate?

How can I make that decision?

How can I decide my fate?

I am still so young.

I love him right now,

But will I forever?

What if time goes by
and I can’t remember
the love he gave me
the joy I felt

What if he moves for me
only to regret his decision

What if I don’t want him around one day
but I’ve already committed?

How am I supposed to know my soulmate?

How can I make that decision?

How can I decide my fate?

I have so much life left to live.

I like it with you
but what if one day I don’t
I can’t see the future
but I hope that I won’t

I hope for a perfect life with you

but perfection is implausible

rushing feels illogical

but if I do not decide eventually

we may be separated eternally


I hope one day I can know

How to recognize my soulmate

How to make the decision

to change my fate.
Feb 21 · 161
Freedom?
MuseumofMax Feb 21
What does it mean to be truly free?

I am not sure.

I know that I am not free, that I may never be.

But I am more free than others

Why does the government decide my freedom for me?

Why can’t I help those dying across the sea?

Why do they decide who I can be?

I’m not sure I’ll ever know true freedom
while living under this system

But I’m not sure how to escape, how to truly be me
Jan 22 · 348
Blonde hair
MuseumofMax Jan 22
Yesterday I noticed a few blonde hairs mixed in my chestnut brown hair

They blend in until I looked closer
Little strands barely there

They reminded me of when when I was a child

Sunny hair and a freckled face
Bright blue eyes and an always smile
Big front teeth and rosy pink lips

I forget what it felt like to have blonde hair
I forgot what it was to feel free

I know my childhood was not all smiles
Mostly rainy days and hiding away

But I cherish the moments when the sun came out
And I laid in the dewy grass talking to the trees

I remember now how I loved my blonde hair
That glowed under the shining stars

I remember now how I smiled when I looked in the mirror
Loving my reflection, my whole self

Now as I stare at those few blonde hairs
I remember how beautiful I can be
I remember the child that still lives within me

I hope she never leaves
Jan 18 · 259
A letter from my soul
MuseumofMax Jan 18
You have given me a love I cannot understand

I cannot express in words the great joy you bring me

The glee you make me feel in my tummy when you touch me

The shivers I feel when you watch me with those purple-brown eyes

The warmth I feel when you hold me as close as you can so I don’t feel afraid

The relief you bring me knowing I will always be loved by you

No longer left alone, wondering when I will be saved

You opened my door and let the light in

Now we sun bathe in our boxers

We glow with the aura of our souls

Intertwined in one another

Somehow love is not good enough to describe how I feel for you

I am utterly, deeply, wholly devoted to you

My friend, confidant, lover, companion

My forever home

I love you Kobe.
Dec 2023 · 393
Chamomile Tea
MuseumofMax Dec 2023
I’d like to be a willow tree
Swaying next to a cottage

I’d like to be the morning grass
Smelling of fresh dew

I’d like to be the ocean
Calm and steady
Powerful and wise

I’d like to be the warm sand
Letting waves wash it’s surface

I’d like to be a purring cat by a fireplace
Warmed and sleepy

I’d like to feel the bliss

The trees feel

Each time the sun shines brightly

I’d like to feel the sky
As I sit among clouds

I’d like to be a book
Being read for the first time

I’d like to be a painting
To be admired by all

I’d like to be a warm cup
of Chamomile tea

I hope one day
I can like
being me.
Nov 2023 · 133
Note to self
MuseumofMax Nov 2023
Hi again,

I’m sorry I avoided you for so long

I’m sorry I hid from the past

Sometimes looking forward is easier than facing the present

For so long I’ve tried to forget parts of you

The parts that I’m afraid of





But to be my whole self

Means looking at all my pieces

Even the ones I tried to loose


I’m sorry I hated you

I’m sorry I stopped caring

I’m sorry I stopped thinking I was beautiful


I hope you can forgive me

For all my imperfect actions

For my ignorance

And for my fear



I hope you can love me again
Like you used to


Do you remember?
Oct 2023 · 333
Missing person
MuseumofMax Oct 2023
Did you notice I was gone?
Sep 2023 · 719
Doors
MuseumofMax Sep 2023
I read a book that reminded me of you

It reminded me of the days I wished to find a way out
To go through a door that would lead me somewhere else
somewhere better

I never found that door

And you never got better

I wish you had
Jun 2023 · 225
Nights in Princeton
MuseumofMax Jun 2023
Nights in Princeton

The trees watch us wander
The wind follows
The darkness creeps slowly

Surrounded by new friends
I don’t know where to look,
the trees,  
or their eyes
Apr 2023 · 340
Trust
MuseumofMax Apr 2023
Every-time you test my trust

My heart breaks a little more

You wonder if you’ve lost me

I’m not sure

I’m still here

But I need all of you

No second thoughts

No doubts

Just your whole self in mine
Mar 2023 · 96
Untitled
MuseumofMax Mar 2023
The air flows through my AC unit noisily
I stare at the ceiling thinking about my life,

What I could be

Laying in bed so often makes me feel worthless
As if getting enough sleep is lazy,

I just need rest

My mind is my enemy, every-time I find peace
It forces me to relive my regrets,

I wish I knew how to make the voices cease

I was taught to be overly critical of myself
And I’m having a hard time unlearning,

Reliving memories I had put on a shelf

I’m trying my best but it’s so tiring
How can I escape the constant spiraling?

Learning to love myself as I am
Is harder than I thought,

When will I begin to understand?
Self love growth learning
Mar 2023 · 342
1:00 am thoughts
MuseumofMax Mar 2023
I’m not sure I’m made to bear the weight of living

I thought love might ease the pain
But now it only causes further heartbreak

I feel so lost all the time
My mind wanders in and out of consciousness
And my heart feels cold

My medicine keeps me going
I complete the tasks I know I must do
but I’ve lost my passion, now replaced with fatigue

I wait for each day to end
And when it does I miss the sun

Will I ever find my light again?
Mar 2023 · 104
Untitled
MuseumofMax Mar 2023
Why must you betray my heart when I’ve given all I had to you?
Dec 2022 · 305
My Storm Cloud
MuseumofMax Dec 2022
My past is like a storm cloud following me

Lightning strikes my loved ones
So all they see are my mistakes

Thunder rumbles loudly
So all I hear are my failures

Rain pours down on me
So I can not see clearly

The cloud trails my steps so I can never escape
So I relive my regrets

Harsh winds blow in my direction
So I can not move forward

And my storm cloud stays dark and grey
Above my head, my happiness at bay.
MuseumofMax Dec 2022
You used to take me shopping
You let me get new things

You thought it might help me forget
The hurtful words you liked to scream

But I never wanted your baggage
You disguised as your love

I just wanted a dad

I wanted genuine love, the kind that doesn’t have a price
But you don’t  even know what love is

I’m sorry your dad hurt you
I’m sorry your brother was mean

But I wish you would’ve healed
Instead of taking it out on me.
Dec 2022 · 688
Acceptance
MuseumofMax Dec 2022
I’m learning to love the parts of myself I used to hate.
I force myself to relive my regrets, to relive my pain.
I see each memory with fresh eyes, softening my gaze so I can not judge.

It still hurts to see what I wish I could reverse
When I couldn’t see past my delusions
I hurt so many people that I loved

I can not undo what had to be done
Fate wanted my heart to go on a journey.

I am thankful for the heartache, the loss
it taught me to accept my whole self

I had to first become who I am not
To find who I am.
MuseumofMax Nov 2022
I am so in love with you
that I am afraid to lose you.
My heart races each time I think of what might happen.

A car crash? A fire? A police officer holding too much power?
How can I let you out of my sight when so many things threaten our happiness.

I am so afraid of loosing you
I think because I've lost so many.
Not through death, but through neglect, through years waiting to feel the love I thought they would give.

I am so afraid of loosing you because for the first time something is mine. Something that is so perfect and warm. Something I thought I might never find.

I am so afraid of loosing you.

Please don't leave me.
Nov 2022 · 716
A Good Book
MuseumofMax Nov 2022
I used to wish to stop the world with one look,
to make my mark.

Now I just want to curl up with a good book.
Oct 2022 · 666
Far Away
MuseumofMax Oct 2022
When you feel far away
I muster up a memory from long ago

The last time I held you or felt your touch
The last time I slept by your side
When you told me “i love you so much”

When I can’t feel you I hold on to what you left
A too big sweatshirt that still smells like you
Is my only comfort

I can’t quite describe the smell
A mix of smoke and fresh laundry transport my mind to images of you
Your smile so big, your eyes sparkling
Oct 2022 · 82
You are so perfect to me
MuseumofMax Oct 2022
Your beautiful brown eyes full of sorrow
it feels wrong to see them so sad.
Your head is cloudy full of familiar thoughts
judging each misstep.
You see yourself as a failure
A boy who couldn’t measure up.
You tell me how you hate yourself
how you wish you didn’t exist.
Your critical mind may only see your failures
But I try and remind you of your success’
I see you for who you are
Full of love and laughter
All you want is to make the world smile
I just wish it would smile back
You care so much for everyone else
That you forget yourself
Perhaps that’s why you find it hard to love
When you look into the mirror?
You’ve come so far and worked so hard
So why do you let yourself think all these negative things?
To me, you are kind, thoughtful, caring, smart, hardworking, loving, handsome, and my favorite person. I hope one day you can see me as I see you. You are so perfect to me.
Oct 2022 · 668
A Naive Little Girl
MuseumofMax Oct 2022
A naive little girl
believed someone would come to save her

Late nights hiding away in her bedroom
she dreamed of a life far away from here

The movies she watched always had a hero
So where was hers?
Oct 2022 · 375
I find myself in your Gaze
MuseumofMax Oct 2022
I find myself in your gaze

I see all that I can be while you hold my hand

Every touch grants a new vision

Of the life I wish to live

Laying next to you I dream of our future
MuseumofMax Oct 2022
Every time I lose my footing
I fall down and cry
Just like a little girl, tripping over her own feet.

I am older now but my tears never waver.
They well up in my eyes, I can not hold them back.
My anxieties overwhelm my thoughts
My eyes only see my failures

I am thankful that you watch me
even when I hide my face
You ask me what is wrong
even when I cannot speak

As tears run down my face you hold me close
You tell me you won’t ever let me go

You withstand my storms
and wake me from my nightmares
You listen to me, my fears and all
and calm my frenzied mind

My emotions are unstable.
Although I try so hard to function
I can not always

You told me you love me just how I am
and appreciate every flaw
You tell me I am more than I see
and that you’ll never leave me behind.
Oct 2022 · 91
Autumn
MuseumofMax Oct 2022
Leaves fall onto dirt floors
Autumn winds smell of fresh air and the cold

Thunderstorms rage asking for war
Trees turn bare; naked, yet bold

The skies turn a clear blue that I adore
And the child, not yet grown up, feels old
Oct 2022 · 78
Untitled
MuseumofMax Oct 2022
Your sweatshirt smells of smoke and laundry detergent, just like you
MuseumofMax Oct 2022
One step forward, three steps back

I take care of myself until I fall behind
Each day I make an effort to get better
But sometimes getting better is not easy

A little progress is better than none
At least that’s what I tell myself
Inspired by the song by Olivia Rodrigo and my own mental health journey.
Sep 2022 · 96
I am a book
MuseumofMax Sep 2022
I am a book
worn out and torn
read so many times the pages are creased
many have heard my story
few have read it all
but each word is meant for me
to speak before I fall
Sep 2022 · 287
I’ll hold your hand
MuseumofMax Sep 2022
Sometimes my eyes cloud with anxiety
Everything feels so imperfect
I try and connect with you but I’m in another world.

Sometimes you are lost in your thoughts
silent and observing
I told you I need attention, but you cannot always provide it.

Our insecurities manifest themselves
into our thoughts

Even on those distant days where I am sad and you are far away
I remind myself that my feelings are not always what they seem

I pick myself back up and learn to breathe on my own
So I can hold your hand again and you can let your thoughts be known.
Sep 2022 · 804
David and Goliath
MuseumofMax Sep 2022
Innocence is lost
in my hasty decisions

I regret every step I took

but the past cannot be undone
the steps are already made

it will never be the same.

Ugly and deformed I am beheaded
by the better version of me.

Before I knew of my sins.

Before I knew of my shame.
This is based on the painting by Caravaggio: David and Goliath.
Sep 2022 · 179
Untitled
MuseumofMax Sep 2022
I am not perfect

I wish I was.

I wish I could be what you deserved.
Aug 2022 · 193
Apologies
MuseumofMax Aug 2022
I’m sorry I could not heal the boy that you were,
but I am not responsible for your scars.
Aug 2022 · 250
I thought you should know..
MuseumofMax Aug 2022
I thought you should know
What I notice about you.

You pull me close when you notice I’m quiet
and when I’m too loud you let me shout.
You rub my back and stroke my hair
even when your eyes are tired.
You drive for me when I’ve been smoking
and tuck me in to bed.
You breathe for me when my lungs stop working
and hold up my head.
You wipe my teary eyes with your hands
and remind me who I am
You give yourself to me despite your fears
“I’ll love you forever” you whisper in my ears.
I’m so thankful that you’re in my life
I hope to never leave your side.
Aug 2022 · 535
My love
MuseumofMax Aug 2022
My love is a privilege

please remember that

I’ll write you poems

when you run out of words

when you can’t breathe

I’ll offer my lungs

to you I give myself

I ask for only one thing

If you could just love me back

I don’t need a ring.
Aug 2022 · 573
Space
MuseumofMax Aug 2022
I hide in between spaces of seeing you

wrapped in your arms I forget my sorrows.

When I’m alone my thoughts darken,

I feel cold, loneliness follows.


Stay by my side all night long,

so my nightmares are only dreams.

Waking up next to you, feeling your arms

My mind is assured nothing is wrong.
Jul 2022 · 255
It’s not the same anymore
MuseumofMax Jul 2022
Piece by piece you took me apart

Beginning with my sanity,

then my loved ones

I watched as you took them away

Next my thoughts, no longer my own

Piece by piece you robbed me of myself

I looked in the mirror but saw someone else

Who had I become?

What have you done?

I began to collect each piece you stole

I gathered them up and arranged them like so

First my lungs so I could breathe

Next, my eyes to see, more clearly

Then my hands to hold on to theirs,
I couldn’t do it alone.

I may have put myself back together

But I am not who I was.

I waved goodbye to the self that I once knew,

To welcome the one that knows my weaknesses

Broken to the point of no return

Built back up to be who I am.
Jun 2022 · 103
Untitled
MuseumofMax Jun 2022
The soft willow tree
swayed in the wind
and breathed with the sea

It’s branches became twisted
more rigid and splintered
It’s breath more ragged

It’s roots stopped growing
The trunk turned dark
leaves fell one by one until nothing was left

Dried out standing alone
It began to rot

No one likes a rotted tree

No one likes a lost soul

A smaller tree sprouted in a new place
Near the ocean

It didn’t sway as softly
Or breathe with the sea
But
it
never
let
itself
rot
MuseumofMax Apr 2022
Tears fill my eyes as I watch your shadow fade,

off to fulfill its purpose, I let it leave.

Although my heart followed you, my body stayed.

Once again I’m all alone, I grieve

left to wonder how I might fill the hole in my chest.

An hour goes by that feels like forever

I close my eyes, not to rest…

but to picture me and you together.

How can I bear through this pain?

Whisper to me when you miss me

When will I see you………again?

I’ll carve our initials into a tree and pray to god that one day he’ll set me free.
Mar 2022 · 214
Your eyes
MuseumofMax Mar 2022
And in that moment,
your eyes were full of love

And all
I could see
was you.
Feb 2022 · 117
1:49 am
MuseumofMax Feb 2022
I wrote out my trauma
like a letter for someone else

I’m not sure why,
but I needed it to be seen

To be heard

Something that always confused me
was why I could never talk about those things

For some reason
saying what needs to be said
wasn’t welcome in my home
Feb 2022 · 282
Untitled
MuseumofMax Feb 2022
I wanted to die for a long time

To give in to eternal sleep
To end the constant anxiety
No more responsibilities
Only rest.

I even tried once.

Now I find myself wanting to live

For so long I lived for others
So they wouldn’t have to lose me

Now I want to live for myself

I know I won’t always have good days
And I will still struggle with anxiety

But if I can live for myself
Than it’s worth it
If I can stop fading
And start shining like I used to
I just might be okay.
Feb 2022 · 1.4k
Dreams
MuseumofMax Feb 2022
Your brown eyes softly stare
into my starless sea

My endless story
You listen, no urgency

I hear your heart beat as I lay on your chest
I count the beats,
until my eyes give in to rest

I’ll hold your hand so you can fall asleep
I’ll visit you in your dreams
My heart is yours to keep
Feb 2022 · 1.4k
Becoming
MuseumofMax Feb 2022
Wandering in and out of what could be

I used to fear a missed opportunity

Now I’m thankful for what I lost
Despite the pain,
I grew into who I am.
Feb 2022 · 1.1k
Stars
MuseumofMax Feb 2022
Some days I appreciate the morning sky

Some days the trees speak to me
And I feel
free

There are days where I don’t go outside

Days that I feel far away

The trees loom over me,
dark and haunting
—————————

At night I watch the row of streetlights
waiting for one to flicker
I listen for the faint noises of traffic
amidst the quiet air

I watch the moon as if it can see me
It shines down in a crescent shape

I whisper goodnight to the empty street
Leaving behind the ghosts that surround me

I find my place in the sky
Among the stars….
Feb 2022 · 831
Reaper
MuseumofMax Feb 2022
An unusual kiss

from an old friend

I didn’t think
this is how it would end

My reaper stole me away
before you could hold me

resting in my coffin
Permanently lost

One hand still open,
searching for what couldn’t be

Cursed to sleep
in my misery
Jan 2022 · 226
Home
MuseumofMax Jan 2022
Little cottage
In my dreams

Wait for me…

Under the stars

Large windows letting in the breeze
A vast garden
Some willow trees

Sunny days
And some spots of shade
The nights may be dark
But I am not afraid

A few squirrels
And a little cat

So fluffy you might think it’s fat

Me and my someone
Spending our days there
Just us, the trees, and the quiet air….
Jan 2022 · 135
A walk home.
MuseumofMax Jan 2022
Footsteps on a familiar path

The night-time glare follows

Tired eyes
Through a soft gaze
Wondering how the grass moves,
It sways

Long thoughts for a short walk

Multi-colored shoe laces
Scuffed heels
So many hidden faces
In the older trees

Quick steps

Wishing for rest
Although I like the night
The wind, I detest

Warmth I will soon find
If only a few steps more
Lest I stay outside forever
Me and my mind.

Trapped in my sorrow

No tomorrow?
Jan 2022 · 185
DYsPhoRia.
MuseumofMax Jan 2022
My mirror looks back at me.

Sometimes I ignore it
Other times I stare

Green eyes are all I see.

I tap the glass
Only to fall in
For eternity

Slipping through

R

         e
  
              A
                  
                   L
                      
                      i

                      T

                    y

I tap the glass again
There’s someone else
Not me?

‘To be or not to be’

The question unanswered

Eventually my stare falters
Thrown off by fears

My face remains a mystery

My body warping as
A light flickers
—————————-
I tap once more
The glass
shatters.

A million knives in skin that doesn’t feel like mine

Smiling through the pain
It’s a flaw in my design

For when I’m bleeding
I forget the warped image in the mirror

Instead I feel free
I disappear
So happily.
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