I've been sick for almost a week .
Everything around me seem so inverted .

This bed and my body started to stink of rotten flesh .
And thoughts disappointments made me more miserable .

YES ! I am disappointed
And this disappointment is like a illness
This time it sits inside me .
I didn't get it by my expectations .
I had buried them long ago .

Why did you tainted that beautiful
Fragrance we had .
You've failed in every area to keep my emotions treasured .

At the end ,it is what it is .
And I am getting my pockets full of disappointments without even expecting .

Just because we smile together ,  doesn't mean I am happy .
Everytime i try to get closer ,
Feel that feeling of pisthurism ...
Do you know what I smell ?
Burning faith .

You are the bright place for me
Who made me think there are thousands of capacities even if you're unaware

You've made me lovable and it's lovely to be loveble to the one I love

You've painted my life with full of colours more than in your own canvas .
You didn't take anything from me instead you've left intense emotions in me .

You've made me believe in uncertainty , because at the end of the day it is memories we cherish not dates .

You've made me notice small beautiful things
You've made me rational and emotional at the same time .

You've made me feel I'm not disappointing .

You've showed me i don't need to stand on a mountain to feel I'm at the top of the world , but I need someone to love who will stand beside me .

You've shuned my intuitions beyond i could've imagine.  

I am scared to be ordinary and you are interesting , wanderer , different and that's why I love you .

And in some moments i fear losing hold of your hand .
You know how much terrible i feel when I can't be there for you to make you put to in a peaceful sleep .

In the midst of imperfections , you've showed me there is such thing as a perfect day .

I have these feeling's as if I am waiting for something , and when I see you i realise it's you .

You are my escape , you are the bright place where I wander . A place uncountable things to notice and I have all the time in the world to look closely to them .

But One day you left , because you were bright place not with lights but with fire .

You we're buring brighten up other's lives .
But the difference is i am very close to you and you know when we get close to fire ..🖤🖤

You left like there was no reason to stay
I hold no gruges for you
I hold no regret that you left
I hold no accusations against you

I hope whatever you're trying to do with your life you find true peace .
I hope you are loved .
I hope you don't have to look back .
I hope your live a life with fulfillment.

I was fighting alone in my life with everything I have .
I have no grasp on my shattered life anymore .
This time when you left i didn't think for a second to ask if I hold on or let go ..!
I took this decision on my hand .
I hold onto that love we had , but I don't expect you'll return .
I hold onto that word , you said " I'll be back soon " . But I don't expect you'll return .

Sometimes it was hard to love you knowing you're gone ..!
I was not okay , i am still not okay .
I hold my whole life on my back , and didn't even let you know about the storm i was tangled in .

Everytime i had a bad , worst day I thought about us . I thought about the love we had ..
It was a relief like a soft wind in a harsh weather .
It was a relief like a warmth in a sharp winter .

All I've ever needed that you to exist in my life .


But I don't find any relief now ..I am so shattered , broken .
Still i am fighting .
One day when this all will end i don't know if I will ever be able to fix my self emotionally .

Still i hope you're okay and have a good life .
You know I understand 🖤

How beautiful the station was ,
When you used to arrive after the summer .

So far away from home
left in the rushing waves and pain
In the pouring rain all alone

Well, the years went by like a train goes by
in a melancholy song.
And our love ran dry like a well runs dry
or a flame that's been burning too long.

Where does the train go?
Where do the tracks end?
Everyday the train comes
Only to pass by me again

Your uncertainty of coming back ,
Made me wait a little longer everytime.
I will wait always wait a little longer ~

She has those striking eyes of an Owl .

She observes, Her stare intense yet clam .
She can see through illusion , thrive beyond illusion .
She can see true self of others , their weakness , their strengths .

Do not scared with her stare but ,
Fear her wisdom , spoken by silence !
The more she sees ,the less she sound .

Her defense is her colours
She can blend into the surroundings ,
She's a nemesis
Difficult to spot even if visible .

If you are a threat to her territory
Better watch your back from her talons .
You surely don't want to be her prey

She is intense .
She will mantle you ,
Not to protect but to finish you off ,
Without leaving any trace behind .

Her keen hearing sense , you cannot escape .
She can hear you scuffling from outrun .
She can sense your decoy ,
Even if you're buried in snow .

So tell me how you will veil those eyes which can see through dark .

Doe eye

My baby girl
Sweet and shy , coveted with monsters eyes .
I didn't realise how mistreated and misplaced she was .
I didn't realise she was seeking comfort trembling with fear .
I didn't realise my little rose is withering .
By the time I realise ,
i was crying holding the stone carved with her name on it .


I hope when your daughter says
I don't want to go to school ,you hear her .
I hope you notice the way her words seem to sink in the air .
I hope you notice her words coming out with such a heft that cannot be supported by her breath.
I hope you feel how icy her surroundings have become
I hope you push the hair from her face and look into those doe eyes ,
And ask her to open up her wings .
Please be bothered for what is keeping her from seeing her friends .
Take her into your arms , hold her , mantle her .
A

Do you feel how broken we are ,
Both of us miserably broken .

Yet one is trying to hold the other ,
And the other is trying to figure out his own .

How unfair this love has become .
You just whispered to me you love me ,
And I've made you my soul .

I didn't want this kind of love .
Where you'll push me , stab me with silence everyday .
And whenever you want to love me you'll pull me closer .
But have you even realise every single behavior of yours was a slap on my face .

I could see where the cracks and how my love for you is seeping through my fingers.
I wish you were here to give me hand to hold that love .

You're were so much to me , how much was i for you ? Don't say .

I was knitting this beautiful love around you but when I look back i saw you unknotting .

I was giving effort and it bacame effortless to you .

I love so easily i just can't get over that easily .

I will never forgive you for loving me and making me feel unloved .

I will never forgive you thinking that I will get settled with someone else easily .

I will never forgive you for thinking that I will unlove you easily

I will never forgive you for thinking I will move on easily .

I will never forgive you for thinking that I can replace you with someone else .

I will forgive everything that hurt me , how loving you hurt me , i will forgive everything about you.  I just can't forgive your thinking .

I love you but I can't go back where respect does not dwell .

Unbearable ****** wrenching pain is silence .
Some suffers by drowning in it ,
Some drown others to make them suffer.
Silence draws the life out of one , incessantly for years .
Silence creps into the heart .

When you think you're alone ,
Silence seeps through the cracks .

I am a open book ,
It's not hard to read me when I pour out my emotions to you .
So when you'll tell me you don't understand me ,
I will never say you have a hole in your heart .

I just realised ,
Never express your feelings .
I just realised ,
Feelings will forever be misunderstood .

Everytime i feel the urge to commit suicide ,
I try to feel  how a dead person is to us when he/she comits suicide.

When someone comits suicide
That person become a dead body to us within hours, just a cold insensible body and faded memory in days .
Time fly's like wind in a hurricane .

Try to think this from the point of that person who want to commit suicide .
How lazy and slow his days are ... Passing every hour for him is like slicing own arm that is pinned beneath an 800 pounds boulder !!
No numbing medicine .  unimaginable pain

Not everyone is "Aron Ralston"  
But everyone should posses his courage.
You can't live in your mind and expect you'll be saved .
Reality requires emotional resilience .
And pain demands to be felt .
You can endure all things by grace. !!!

Loving you is like burning with desire every second ,
Unable to utter anything .
Your love is so strong yet so quiet .
You can never get over me i know .
We are destined to lead a different life .
And maybe we're destined to feel our love was impossible over and over again .
We both crave each other , but
Refuse to fight for each other .
A love never lived ,
Nor it will die !

I am at the edge of life
The middle of nowhere
Endless loop and full of emptyness .

I know.. I'm in a dream
I am feeling a sudden whirl in my head
And I was standing on the cliff .
I feel like gravity is pulling me down the cliff .

Slowly i am falling , i feel so burdend

I am falling with my empathy
I am falling with my compassion
I am falling with my love
I am falling with the broken peices of my heart .
I am drowning in that gut renching pain
I am drowning in that suffocating pain
I am drowning in that gnawing pain
I am drowning in that exhausting pain

My body is getting cold , i can feel shivers
But I cannot move .
I am getting numb , and the last tear was dry .
I am scared , I'm in fear i might feel what grief feels like

Please hold me back with everything .


I have drowned , i have fallen in a sleep .
The cliff was my one last stop before death .

You're late .




march 04/2020

The most depressed people ,
Hide it the best !
I kid you not .
They'll talk about their darkness in the most humorous way possible .
Everyone has different stories yet people make comparison with one another .
All pain is individually valid !
Those who say share your pain are the ones who turns their backs .
Fighting every second just to feel something ,
and another moment never want to feel anything ever again !
Depressed people fake smiles , because they don't want to be burden .
They take responsibility to take care of others even though they feel unimaginable pain .
The most empath people are the most left out people.
Sometime they just need someone to tell them how proud they feel for being strong all the time .
Depression doesn't look the same to everyone .
Some wear it like trash , some wear it like grace .
The sad thing about depressed people is that often their desire to heal others is a disguised cry for help for their own healing .
They fail to understand 3 am in the morning is not a time to sort out life .
There is no going back from depression , it makes people something completely different from what they were before .
Depression deaden you brain to the things it used to know how to do .
Those people aren't good at asking for help , because they're so used to being the helper .

Everyday i fall apart
Every moment I hold myself .

Everyday i feel pain
Every moment I crave for ease .

Everyday i look around
I might see you again .

I might kiss you again .
I miss you love .

I am fighting a war .
I don't run away from the war zone .
I fight !
I fight to win my fear,
I fight to win my depression
I fight to depend on myself
I fight to save my love
I fight ....Either i will lose or i will win .
Theres no give up in between .

How deep can be the word empty  ?
I am feeling a hole inside my heart , a hollow space .
Something was there , but not anymore .
I don't even know how do I feel .
How should I feel
Please make me feel anything .
Why I only feel shattered , broken
Forever broken ....Why did you do this ...

Auroral side of the moon could not last without the half wrapped in shadow. 
It intimate you to have endurance of all the heart aches .
Seize the lights in your soul ,
Sail to stay alive beyond simple existence
You must be more stubborn than the weaves . I am a glad I'm lost at sea!
Glory to the wind who guides me
For I can not see
Yet have shown me the sailor I am to be!

It’s a lovely day!! there's no weaves of emotion, I don’t see any darkish clouds over my head. My head has end up so mild weighted. No track, no piece of poetry nor anybody’s emotional abuse no longer creates pain inside me. flowers growing all around my heart. I smile surprisingly, despite the fact that I try to experience anxiety, I don’t feel anything but tranquility. as if i was in a roller coaster on a carnival full of chaos and now the whole thing has stopped. Then i found myself in the middle of that carnival, without any chaos! an deserted region. no one lives here anymore. Oh yes! I don’t see dark clouds as it’s all darkish around! I smile but I don’t feel happiness and the flowers growing around my heart!! Foxgloves growing inside me. you realize the symptoms?
………….death !

Is this any kind of living ...?
Trapped everywhere but no shackles to be visible.
What am I bound to ?
I am breathing but still I feel like something is suffocating me .
Something inside wants to feel happy but sadness overshadow everything around.
Having everything still feeling I'm losing grasp .
Living every moment but I feel I'm dying every second.
Is this heart pumping blood or going to burst .
Tears going to roll down my eyes but it's not there .
Do I want to cry or is this heart bleeding tears .. ??
How silly ..Have anyone ever heard hearts bleed tears .
Something is bleeding .. life is bleeding to death.

Everything was okay today ,
But I am not okay anymore .

You finally wished to leave ,
And I can't hold you .
I don't have the right to utter the word "STAY" , because I need you .

From the beginning of our story
I was ready for this tragic end .
If you want to let go , i won't hold you back .
I will never chain you to myself.

I fear this day , i will fear as long a i love you .
When someone you love go away !
You die a little bit inside !

I won't cry ,  I'll be fine
I'll take my breath everyday .
Push the lost feeling in my chest !
Till there's nothing left .

I just wanted to hold you until you weren't falling apart anymore .

My aching msytery hides in your stardust glimmer _eyes


Date - march 04/2020

Suicide ? Was never a option for me .
I am fighting. , I will fight .
There's no end but only death .
Death is promised but it is uncertain .

Life is not promised so why we worry about life and future .