he is the first thing I think about in the morning
he is the last thing I think about at night
he is the only thing I dream about
he is the Only thing I want so bad, but I can’t have
he wants more than my sweet kisses and my hand in his
he wants us to be more than friends and I want to
but my parents are so strict,
that if I tell them all the things we love to do together
will be forbidden,
we weren’t be allowed in my room alone with the door closed
and I bet my parents will be so mean to him
he is my forbidden love the thing I really want but can’t have.

I cut myself with a sharp knife
It wasn’t on purpose I swear
I feel the pain  
I Think I fainted
Never have I ever seen this much blood before
It was all over the bathroom floor
One sick thought I got
“collect my blood In a little jar”
And that I did
But then I got to think
I realized It was sick
I washed the blood of the jar
And called my mom saying
That I dropped the knife on my foot
Wasn’t on purpose nur so good
I waited for her to come home

my blood on our bathroom floor

I’m dead
But I’m alive

I see everything
Still I see nothing

I cry rivers
But I smile

I see colors through the day
Still it’s the dark from the night I remember

I see you over there all alone
You see me as in the old days
It takes me back
It takes me back

I broke up in September
Wanted you back in October
Missed you in November
Wished for you in December.

Take me back now
You are the only thing I want for Christmas
You can get all you want
If just we can bond

I broke up in September
Wanted you back in October
Missed you in November
Wished for you in December

Nothing could make me smile
You are the only thing
Give me peace
Tack me back.

She feared so much
Still she wanted to
see, feel and be
it all
She was her own
No one was like her
And she was
Like no one
She was so talented
Everyone was jealous
But she couldn’t see it
She had no idea
She wanted to feel alive
She went too close
To the fire
Too many times
And ended up
getting burned

when I think about you
all I see is yellow
because you are my
sunshine
- you light up my day -
you are my
lemon
- you make me bitter but I love you anyways -
you are my
sunflower
- I admire you, and I think you are the most beautiful thing ever -
you are my
honey
- you taste so sweet on my lips -
you are my
rainboots
- you help me through tough times without even getting messy -
you are my
bee
- so I can be your flower -

Constant fear of falling
falling in
falling out
falling alone
falling with no one to catch me
                                           falling just to fall
                                                                           once again
feeling the pain of the pointless fall
unable to speak up
unable to stand up
unable to show up
stranded in a universe where gravity is much stronger
than I will ever be
Holding me down
Keeping me grounded
Keeping me humbled.
Keeping my mindset programmed in a way
so that I'll never feel enough
so that I'll never fell your love
Sabotage becomes self-care in a universe where
I CAN'T GET UP
Speaking so loud, that no one can hear me
Thinking so fast, that no one can follow me
Laying so still, that no one will stay with me
CONSTANT
FEAR
OF
FALLING

He was so insecure, never got noticed,
He always stayed out of the picture,
But then one day he got really drunk
It was his only way to overcome
All his anxiety, and fear He went to this party
And saw the most beautiful girl he had ever seen
He knew he didn’t have a living chance with her
But he just couldn’t stop thinking about this perfect girl
One night he got a message, it was from her
The most perfect girl ever,
They started talking and he knew he was in love with her
But everything they got close she would push him away
He was broken because he really loved her
That’s when he found out his mom was sick
He was so filled with life he couldn’t take it anymore
He found some pills and swallowed them
He waited,
But then he got thinking, he didn’t want to die,
He ran to his sister’s room asking for help,
He survived,
The perfect girl almost killed him
But he was so in love he fell right back into her arms
He really struggled to rib her walls down,
But when he finally got them down
He realized she was just as messed up as he was
She kept letting him close and then pushing him away
He got even more depressed,
He started drinking to forget about her
and his mom who got even sicker
she asked him if they could be just friends
and all he wanted was for her to be happy
so, he agreed
but he couldn’t stand the thought of her with another man
in the middle of his deepest depression, his mom passes away
she wanted to be there for him,
but she heard that he had found a new girl
so, she stayed away
until she came to a party drunk and insecure
she knew she didn’t have a chance
but then it all happened again
they discovered, depression gets easier when you are together.

When I think of you I think of  
The greenest eyes and the purest freckles
I taste cigarettes on the tip of my tongue
And a soft touch on my bubbly lips
I feel your gentle yet steady grip on my waist
I hear you deep and calming voice
And then it feels like I can’t breathe
All the memories came into my head to fast
My heart starts to hurt
And I open my eyes
***, ***… ***, ***… ***, ***…
The only sound in my dark room is my heart
***, ***… ***, ***… ***, ***…
I see how your tearful eyes have lost their sparkle
I hear you ask me why…
why I keep hurting you
why I’m so messed up
Remembering the smell of the smoke you blew in my face
A new smell
A new smoke
A new boy
With the same green eyes
Admitting to all his lies
Left me here wondering why

It’s summer vacation No school, no anything,
But I can’t relax, I can’t be happy
I’m feeling like packing up my things,
and moving to the other side of the world
I’m so sick and tired of
the same people, the same school,
and the same rumors,
I’m caught in this small town where everyone knows everyone,
Every single day I feel like running far away
Like to a forest, and just scream,
scream so loud, and so long
Scream until my lungs are out of air,
And I pass out on the cold hard ground,
in a river of my own tears,
I’m caught in a relationship with a person I don’t love,
But I can’t cope with hurting him,
so, I just smile and act like nothing is wrong,
even though I cry inside all the time,
it’s getting clear to me that I don’t have any friends
at least no anyone that really care about me
not anyone that knows me,
but that’s because I keep everything to myself
they think I’m pretty and funny,
that’s the reason why to boys love me,
and the girls hate me.
I’m so messed up,
I don’t know how to be happy anymore,
I don’t even care for what my parents say,
I get drunk on school days,
I’m basically the kid my parents always told me to stay away from,
And I would love to, but I can’t,
Because the place I’m caught most of all,
Is in my head,
Me and my summer depression.

People always tell me
That if I’m struggling
I should talk to
someone about it
And that would make
The problem go away

I did

The problems are just
Growing bigger inside
my freakin head
And I can’t talk to anyone
Cause I don’t wanna
Sound like a cliche

His childhood went up in smoke when his mom got sick
He found out, he could hide in that little cloud of smoke,
he made, when he exhaled the smoke from his cigarette.  
He lost the girl of his dream, because of the smoke
that went down to his lungs, out of his mouth and into her hair.
He tried to show her, that he needed her help by make smoke signals,
because he had heard that that’s the way to ask for help,
when its serious and nobody is around.
She never noticed his cry for help in the smoke.
his life went up in smoke.

Am I the only person
who thinks they
wouldn't have survived
without music?

If I were a bird              I know where I would fly
I would fly everywhere                      at any possible time
If I were a bird                     I would sing to my lungs hurt
I would sing the                   most beautiful songs
So beautiful that              people would stop and listen to me
If I were a bird                I would be free

They don’t understand it!
They never will!
Telling me I will feel good again.
Saying it’s okay to be happy.
But they didn’t lose you.
I did.
They say they care, but they don’t.
They say they also loved you.
But they didn’t!
I did.
God took you from me.
Just like that.
It isn’t fair.
In my notebook I read your words
Read them over and over again
•
With you
I reminisce about
The past
Dream about the
Future
But most important
Lives in the
Present
•
That was what you wrote
You promised me
You did!
But now I’m so alone.
Now I’m so alone.
I’m So alone.
So alone.
Alone.

Don’t stop trying
Because you hit a wall

Progress is progress
No matter how small

As I opened the jar
The butterfly flew away
It left me feeling free again

I change friends so often
To make sure nobody ever
Knows me to well
I want to remain a mystery

Every cloud less night
I lay down on the cold hard ground
With my face turned towards the shiny yellow stars
And every night I feel at peace  
I feel like that’s where I belong
They once told me:
Our bodies are made of atoms
And every single atom
Were once a star
So maybe I’m not going away
Maybe
I’m going home
Home to where I belong
Maybe...