these days i feel like water. like an ocean cusping on the marked line of a horizon. like a droplet riveting and rolling, making its way down to pool onto a ledge.

the slightest nudge, a gentle push
and i'd spill over.

sitting dangerously on the lip of the cup
teetering in and out of balance-

it is a game of give or take

i bend myself backwards into a crescent
just to make room for their full mooned selves

i wonder how Neil Armstrong felt
when he took his first step onto the dusty crater ridden plain
and found himself

all
alone

i am

                                                   alone

destined to listlessly twirl around my own axis dreamlike
but not like a dream at all
floating miles away from the person i have yet to unearth
but yet not far enough to fly among the stars

i am held by the centre of my own gravity

is that why sometimes i can hear my bones creak under the weight of the person i was supposed to be?

I sometimes miss this girl
who enjoys sitting in cafès
with her emptied cup.
She who finds grace
in the presence of waiting
And believes in happy ending.

I sometimes miss this girl
who's so good at self consolation.
She who patronises self rule
more than any other,
Someone who's still whole.

Now cafès reminds me
not with coffee fragrant promises
But of bitter tanged memories
While sitting becomes restless waits
I have come to miss the girl
I was before you-

I still long of me a little.

I am that girl the girl that smiles even when hurting
The one that will do anything to make others smile
The one that goes through a lot but doesn’t show it
The one that feels like she is a burden to people
The one that feels like she is not loved
The one that acts strong when she is not
The one that cries herself to sleep
The one that wishes that one day she will feel better
The one that hides her problem from the world
The one that says am Ok when she is not  
The one that her heart aches but no one cares
The one that never says no to anyone
The one that is kind but nobody cares

your love hurts
but i cant help but need it
i cant help but need you
why do you love me
why do you do these things to me
you tell me you love me
and i say it back
but do you really?
we haven't talked in months
you talked **** to someone who tells me everything
'it was just because of my meds but im in love with her'
you say to the girl who sleeps over my house for days and nights on end
the girl who loves me too
the girl who learned to hate you because you love me instead
why do i cause problems.
i fell in love with you day by day
it slowly eats away at me not being able to see you
why is it this way
why am i in love with you
i hate this feeling but...i love you

Remember when we were younger
Talking about our lives
About how we'd be rich
About who'd be our wives
Fueling the fire
Which was built up with lies

I thought I wanted tall,
Blonde with blue eyes
One I could protect
Who needed to be held as she cries
But I've seen this facade
And how it's just lies
Because I had feelings
For someone with different ties

This kind is hard to find
Makes you lose control of your mind
So different from what you wanted
But honestly, you don't mind
And once she's found,
She's hard to give up
The pressure makes you slip up
**** up
Making her harder and harder to forget
Making you do something you regret

Like thinking about love

If you still think this is about the girl
And how "she's so pretty"
And "I wish she felt the same"
Then you are mistaken
It's a completely different game
It's the pain you give yourself
When you don't know who to blame
The frustration from wanting
But not having
Forever
Exhausting
Thinking all the same
As people who have it worse
All because a girl doesn't remember your name
How can you be happy
When your best quality is shame

So yeah you get upset
Depressed
Anxious too, but that you forget
Until you meet another girl
Who's into you
Like the girl was who will never love you

"Why did she leave?"
"What did I do wrong?"
"How can I fix this?"
Becomes your most common song
So you forget about the new
And you start to lose hope
You abuse the new's trust
Just so you can cope
Till the horse from up high
Brings the old down from the sky
To you where your hearts start to fly
And are strong together without having to try
All the way
Till the day you die

This is when
You'll wake up from your dream
And understand where you've been
When you discover the culprit
Of all the pain and everything that comes with it
Was you all along
Makes you wonder
If life's worth all the ****?

There is always pain in her. 
Between her bones and skin;
separate from her blood. 

She has only known 
how to cast everything out
from the dinners she's barely keeping down
to the "are you alright"s and "are you eating properly"s

She is so used to 
never keeping anything for herself 
never holding onto to something she can call her own,
long enough for her to know

how to cherish, how to treasure, how to love. 

She is smothered and mothered and suffocated
by the numbers that rise and fall, push and pull
engulfing overwhelming drowning
all that she is. 

less is more/ less is more/ less is more

The girl's self worth is 
inversely proportional to 
how much of her 
there is in this world. 

That is why she must
refuse refute reject 
until she becomes so much closer to nothing 
until there is none of her left. 

Until she fades out of existence. 
Slowly, quietly but surely-
a decrescendo to her swan song

"The world will end with not a bang, but a whimper"

Instant gratification
for an instance of a girl.