How can I find love
    With all my broken parts
It is not true
    That my eyes haven't fallen upon it

To whisper a love's name
    Brings such excitement
But once I see upon it
    I find myself broken once again

There's such an emptiness
   The void always present
Leaving no desire
    For this life or another
Falling to your knees
    Frantic for answers
Never believing you'll
    Ever be of worth
In the eyes of others
    Is where it hurts
The pain ever growing
    Oh how it badly hurts
The chase of a love
    That will never be
Without fail
    Again tossed into the sea
Drowning in the depths
    Of the deep blue waters
And knowing that's all
    It ever will be
Just how can you expect
    Anything more of me
There's no rebuilding
    The you and me
It never being your fault
     The day I finally
Make you leave me

All bottled up
   Like a little secret message

Then placed to float in
  mother natures shifting motion

To finally arrive
   In the still waters of all bottled hauntings

I turn and glance
  And she does it too

I lean to test me
   And she pushes me right on through

am i
Am I
am i
AM I

At the end

I do this
   Pretty much everyday

Sometimes you'll see me
   Other times i dont want you to

Whether it is on the outside
   Or in the inside

Its always a part
   Of who i am

It speaks softly
    And sometimes not

It can engulf me Suddenly
    Or creep up on me

What do i do
    nearly everyday
  
I let my tears fall and allow
   For me some Grace

Look at her beauty
  There as she stands

Quick! Quick!
  Before she hides again

Pain once again rushing beneath your feet
The force of the blow left undetermined
Love was right there and to not be a cheat
Just like the man who comes to be confirmed

Then slips in the mind of  a troublemaker
Taking it's hand and dropping like a hammer
Then there lay upon the loved and it's maker
Beauty of it shined enough to calm her

Then the attack from whence it once came from
Lay blistering and bleeding from then on
Then brought together like beats of a drum
Nowhere to be seen only heard and then gone

Playing with betrayal will cause the burn
Life's greatest treasure left a grave concern

Little small hands
   Little small feet

What beauty lies
   So hidden beneath

A child's reach
   Should always be met

But an adults
   Why?
After all it's just grief

It's easier to hold a grudge
    Then to take a little peek

Even when small hidden souls
    Have much to teach

But it's the guiless blinder
    You choose to keep

That way you can escape
    The blame that you breached

For so selfish is the way
    Of this so called life

When you think nothing
    Of a life you didn't care to reach

What do you do
     With broken parts
Lay them here
     Lay them there
I want them to dance
     To the soothing melody
I so dream of

All those feelings tucked away
   When  depressed

Came leaping out from such a place
    so compressed

Flowing fluttering like butterflies
   And i shall never forget the beautiful bees.

I wished they would land upon me
   On grey days as well as a clear days

They're beautiful these feelings you see
   Just like the butterflies and the bees

I opened my...
And then I felt my soul leave
And never did it return
To me

I searched high
I searched sober

Then I stopped searching
Altogether

The existence of some days
  Hold me captive
For 1, 2 hours
  Even days at a time

I feel i can barely breathe
  That i am slowly dissipating
But it' is that drug!
  That **** drug i keep taking

How do i escape it
  Because it also keeps me alive
The running has got to end
  There's absolutely nothing of me left to bend

I scream and i scream
  Because I am alone
Please please
  Why me
Over and over again

Consumed for so very long
   With everything about ME

I did not know until  
    IT NOW HAS BESEIGED ME

Crazy days fill up my head
    To wish them away
Would be lazy in a day

For its those sun filled laughable
    Bids for the day
That project us so teasingly into the next day

I must write about my saddest day ever!

The day you left me over and over!

I'm at a loss for words
   My emotions are in abundance

My euphoric state of mind
    Is artificial
It brings awareness of my feelings
    And it is the only time i feel alive

Please don't judge me
  or shun me please
For it is all i know
   Of me at this time

To feel as though I may fall
   Upon painful memories from so
      Far ago

The battery of feeling unloved
    Which whence it was born from

To fall to my knees
     Is where it takes me

There's no hiding
     No plight quite ever allows
  
Just cradle myself for there is
     Never one to understand

How it crumples me into
      So many folds

That I can no longer unbend
      And try still to remold

It lingers in the stillness
      Of my lonely home

Never do I want to feel as though
      I may fall

The fire building inside
   Should cause an alarm

But no one sees
    Nor feels the heat

It rises and grows
    As no one listens

Then finally you'll hear
    There she blows

Viewing life and all its existence
   Wondering where I fit in

Am i too an actual
   Participant

If so
   Why  this feeling
There's no proof of my
   Part in it

The passing by
   Of others and happiness
I see no
    Footprint left of mine

Forgiveness
   Foreshadows
       Of what we
            Sincerely will become

To move with grace
    Would be my wish
To live life by grace
     Would be a forsaken place
I follow close to seek
      Out this place
To lie my broken spirit
      but not my final resting place

They said "snap out of it"
   And the hurt only got worse
Do they not know
   Next time i might be in a hearse

Can't they see
   I am broken
I am not a thrill ride
   That comes to life with a token

The loneliness
   Sets in even deeper
And I want my life
   To be a keeper

I can feel me
   Escaping my body
And am struggling
   Not to be a nobody

But even after
   All these years later
I still feel their puncture
   And view them as a hater

Here it is again
   My face hidden in hands
Short time ago
   I was sure I would learn how to let go
The ******* i use upon myself
   In any given day
Reaps such horror
    How can it ever be replaced

The feeling i get
  Is all too real
Don't ask again
  The pain i can't peel

On and on
  It goes
There it is
  Like me still

You weren't a friend
  Just because you won
You'll always be a predator
  Don't you dare call me hon

Yes, you knew
  Your dream is hollow
Keep it up
   For mine shall follow

Such a feeling came today
learning to understand

For just yesterday
  I could have easily gone
    away

These emotions lay dormant
    For many long days
Soon they'll erupt and spew
   The vile in which they were made
The pretense that promotes
   Such hateful descriptions
Only pulls away the flesh and exposes
   The innocence

Truth not always spoken
   But always known
For the day will come
    With such spoken words
Let the truth in

Let it be the release
    of the old
And the building
    Of the new
Let the truth in

Let it be known
That what is seen
   with the eyes
Always holds the truth
Let the truth in

And the trust within
   The new you begin

Sing me a song pretty one
   There upon your perch

Yes let me see
   The stretch of your wings

How beautiful you are
   Left in a trance

How light and serene you can be
   I long to sit upon a perch

Where I can sing from my soul
   And set it free

Keep loving me please

For that,
  Is how I take my next breath

Without it
   Is when I'm sure to hold my last breath

So just keep loving me please

It has been said
   "Your day is coming"
That life can turn
    in an instant

I have been hopeful
   that day indeed would come
So when it appeared
   you bet I jumped aboard

With all that I had seen
    with others that is
it was then I learned
    my expectations are mine to own

I just looked into my soul
  I stood there lost in the stare of my eyes

Oh lord
  Help im falling

And what if when i hit bottom
   Thats it all i ever know of me

Trust me
   Just run!

I knew the pain
  She would feel today
When I whispered to her
  There can be change
The fight to step high
  Might be a reach
Now my babe
   See her relaxed asleep

The ride of life
  in no direction
Can be the death
  Of you within it

I felt the plunge of it's talons
   As it wretched my heart to pieces

The excruciating feeling of the ripping and the tearing of my heart

The sounds of it feeding upon me brought forth the vile in my stomach

I couldn't survive this time! I knew there had to be an end.

No more pain, no more ugly thoughts running rampant in my mind

No more seeking desperately to make it stop!

To just lay down and feel no more is the only thing left that I want!

To know that I was just a crazy woman in everyone's mind matters no more.

These  moments always  empty of life
existence  it will never be

For there was hope to one day
Feel the likes of all the others

Always dismissed and never seen
The spirit always being alone

Never rising to it's fullness
And never to be shown

It lays tethered
Bleeding and torn to shredds

If only one day it could
Ever succumb you

You would no longer judge
And no longer would you laugh

The screams of fear
Always left unheard

While laying and writhering
The escape of it never being

To pray for an exit
But leaving you here

Is not yet possible
Forever gone you'll always be
Non existent instead

To walk with nothing
  In hand

Allows room for a
  Heart of gold

Oh what a place
   I so badly want to go
Back to the years
   Of a child's life unknown

To roam and wander
    And not fear what lies ahead
Only to sing and be happy
    No matter which path you choose instead

To skip and run
   Up and over the hills
So happy to see
    That you have a life still

But my tomorrows bring only
    Tears and pain
All because of a house
    So full of such disdain

My cheeks now wet
   And salty to taste
Please oh please
    No more life should I waste

WARNING:  STRONG FEELINGS OF ANGER AHEAD -

Guess I should try and try again
    It's useless I already know
And so,  it's fruitless trying to let anybody know

I cringe in such distaste of ignorant people

The people that say oh she just wants attention, or that she just doesnt want to get better

Well ******* you ignorant ****
Until you Have experienced  it shut the **** up!!

I knew when I woke up
    My thoughts were not (oh guess I want to be sad today or oh guess I will choose to be happy today)

Get a grip ignorant people!
For goodness sakes you should just shut the **** up!!

Your so ******* stupid - to think you know something when you know nothing at all about it - because if you did - you probably helped to put some innocent child, adolescent, young adult in their grave!!

So for those of you who don't know what it's like -

SHUT THE **** UP!!

I opened my eyes this morning
   And still i see I am alone

No one to blame however
   Because still I would push you away

That comes natural with me
   I dare to say

It's true I need you
    but will fear you instead

It's an action i call  push and  pull
and push away again

I must say I'm sorry
   But that is my way!

I ache to roll the dice of pain
Over and over

A sad die, lost die, lonely die
Help me with a new lover

How does one survive the turmoil inside
Doubts of oneself that replay on repeat
Crisis created out of truths put aside
Protecting the truth that caused the defeat


Then to learn no norm will ever be built
Never ever will it even be known
Then comes the shame and of course all the guilt
Damaged further and cannot be resewn

Then swept away with another high tide
Raising the same questions left from the past


Then look above for the reason to hide
Answers not given only added to the last
Then fears brought back upon shores of unreason
Living sadness still in another New season

My mind
    seeks answers
       My heart
           seeks love
              in the absence
                of my mind

So the saying goes
   1st time shame on you
      2nd time shame on me

When at last comes the end
     That shame still continues on

Excuse me
    I believe you have
         something of mine

Please I don't think I
    Know what to do
         without it

I know I thought i could
     Trust your words
           When you took it

You know when you
     Thought i wasn't looking
            But i was

I was afraid then that you
      Would misplace it
            But i chose to look
                   the other way

You took that key to my heart
      And now it's broken
            without it

All I can ask you now
      Is when you took my key
             It wasn't to cherish it
                     was it

So ask you softly now
       Can you finally return it
            To where the pieces
                   Now lay shattered

At times she laid upon her bed
   Daring herself to drift

It was then
   Those  dark, dark slumbers
        Taught just who she really is