i can openly say that i'm deeply terrified
because i know
deep down
that you are the one i want to spend my forever with
and i've never said that before about anyone
when i think about who i want my kids to call their parents i want it to be us
every night i fall asleep waiting for the day where i can fall asleep next to you
when i say that i want to fall asleep to your laugh for the rest of my life
that's the truest statement i could ever speak to you
i know this is the scariest thing because we are so young
we have so much time and future left in our lives
but i know that i want you by my side for all of it
knowing you want me by yours is the biggest comfort i've ever experienced
here's to our forever ***

i'm sorry
i'm ****** up
at least that's what i think
i promise i'm trying to be better
if not for you then me
i just wanna be the starry sky you see
when your alone at sea
but i can't
because i'm falling apart
i'm becoming a skeleton
that can't hold itself together
i wanted to be the thing that brought light to your darkest nights
but i can't even create enough light
to diminish the darkness in all of mine
i'm sorry
i've been trying to ******* hard
but it didn't work and now all of you are gone
i need to find the strength again
and i'm searching ******* everywhere
maybe i'll find it soon
and i'll pull myself together
maybe you've found the light for your nights
and i could've never done that
but at least i'm trying, i've tried, and i don't think i'll ever stop
at least i've found the love i've always needed
not in all the people that i found but the ones that found me
and i'm not the only one trying to bring light in others lives
there's light here and there's people here too
trying has never failed me, so i'll continue to
and even when the trying's hard at least their trying to

over my life i have found games that i have enjoyed and hated
i rather enjoyed the card games and the board games
the ones i spent playing with my friends and family
but the ones i dislike are the emotional games
or the ones that end in heartbreak
but today i have found my least favorite
the waiting game
the game where i'm waiting to see if someone's life is going to end or continue
and if it's just a clock ticking toward either one
this game of waiting just comes and with every tick somebody shatters just a little bit more
i think the most aggravating thing for many is the fact that we don't know who we are playing against
we don't know who is competing for the other side
we don't know if it's a god, fate, a grim reaper
this game is a miserable game
and it ends in either fear, relief, heartbreak, hope, or death
**** this waiting game
and **** the pain it brings

my dad has always given me hell
for loving queer literature endlessly
and i've tried to explain it to him several times
but i don't think he will ever understand
he will never understand that i could read all the romance novels with heterosexual individuals
and i will never be able to fully relate and understand either
yet whenever i read a queer novel
i relate to those characters endlessly
despite all of our differences
i understand falling for somebody that your not supposed to in society's eyes
i understand the fear of liking a girl despite being out and proud for years
i understand that voice in the back of your head shouting the bad endings when your coming out
i understand so much more in the queer novels
i can actually see myself as those individuals
because i've been there ad i've understood those fears and the honesty and the relief
no straight character could ever describe their crush and i be able to fully connect
because for me with every crush there is that tiny fear
i wish i could explain this all to my dad
and have him understand why those characters have such a safe place in my heart
why being able to read those fears is something i connect to
why realizing that strange yet very known fact about oneself is a place i've been
and i just wish he could understand

i love books, i love them with my whole heart
i have always been a book nerd and had my nose stuck in a book
i've been like that my entire life
and no part of me is upset about it
books are one of the largest parts of my life
i read an insane about of books
and with the amount of books i read i've learned what my favorite kinds of books are
and the only way to describe them is that they are all consuming
the worlds gobble me up and swallow me whole
i'm not me, i am whatever this character is and i'm in this new world
i'm on dangerous adventures or i'm head over heels or i'm learning lessons
they consume me and i don't return until the story is completely
i always return different and with new parts of me discovered
that's what i love most about them
they change me and they absorb me just as much as i absorb them
books are the only true escape i can acquire
and i am always willing to succumb to the stories they tell

i still don't think i've ever forgiven myself for not being able to love him
i don't know why i haven't been able to
actually, that's a lie, i think i have several ideas as to why
i just, i always feel terrible whenever i think about it
because i know that he truly loved me
i just couldn't, but i tried, i tried to love him with everything in me
i just can't, and with him i just knew i couldn't pretend any longer
i knew i would just hurt more after him if i kept lying
but it still hurt to know i would have to hurt him to be honest
that broke my heart
and i haven't been able to forgive myself even though i have accepted myself
i have accepted that i can't love guys,  but i can't forgive not loving him
i think it's because i knew that he would've loved me forever if given the chance
and because he was entirely honest when he said he loved me, i know he was
and i think it's because i lied to him when he was nothing but honest to me
i lied with every i love you
and nobody deserves that, and i'm sorry to him
because he does deserve somebody that can truly love him

i wonder if you ever think of me
when you see butterflies fluttering past
when you see an old book with yellowing pages
when you see daisies for sale at the farmers market
when you see gorgeous castles with large libraries
when you hear thunder pound on the roof at night
when you read poetry and see the profound meanings that lay behind it
when you smell lavender and incense float past you
do they remind you of me?
of all the moments and hundreds of conversations we had?
do you ever get reminded of all the things that make up me?
i remember all the things you used to write down about me so you wouldn't forget them
and i wonder if they stuck and ever remind you

darling please don't ever be afraid to feel
because feeling is beautiful
feeling is one of the most human things we could do
so, it's okay
it's okay to feel hurt, sadness, anger, happiness, loneliness, fear...feel everything
all I ask is that you don't sit there with the negative feelings
sit on the joy and happiness and let it fill you up and spill from your pores and gather at everything you touch
that is absolutely beautiful
and darling don't let the negative emotions sit with you
they can come and visit and be the rare guest, that's okay
to feel that is to be human
but to let it move in and be permanently attached is not something i suggest
because it won't spill out of your pores, it will consume
the hatred and hurt and anger, will just take everything from you
there are so many people in this world who have let the negativity consume them and they have become lost inside it
please be the rare butterfly that spills good
the world needs more people like that, darling
please always strive to be the good

it had been a month since you told me you didn't love me anymore
and if i'm going to be completely honest, i was doing just fine
with how things ended, it cut all emotions i felt towards you
and then you texted me
you caught me completely off guard
you were a name i never thought would ever come across my screen again
but it did
and you were worried about me
you were just asking me so many questions, and i will admit i did lie to a few
no, i hadn't been fine, but not because of you
but then you kept saying you thought that i hated you
and it was like you were begging for me to say that i miss you
and that i just want you back and couldn't stand not having you in my life
but i will never give that to you
because i don't miss you, i did at first, but not anymore
and i can live without you
i learned that i am still me even without you
one thing that did shock me about that though
you of all people should know that i don't hate
i've never been a hateful person
i mean, i get that we aren't talking anymore but ****
we did talk every day for so long
i would've thought that you would've remembered something
but i guess you didn't
and i had to remind you that i don't hate, i just hurt
i was so aggravated with you then
because then you were pleading for me to be your friend
why would i want to be your friend?
your the one that pushed me away and got a boyfriend and didn't even tell me
you weren't gonna tell me, you never were
you can say that you were and just didn't want to hurt me
but we all know that your full of it
you weren't and i know because you kept telling me you adored me
and why would you do that if you had somebody else?
no, i don't hate you, but i don't trust you or respect you in any way
you hurt me
and i told you when i lost somebody else
that i was done fighting to stay in people's lives if they didn't want me
but i guess i'm not the one fighting to be in people's lives now

when you get into a relationship, you both walk through this door
and you seem to be in this room
over time as the relationship develops the room becomes decorated
and maybe if it keeps going, you might end up with a whole house
that's decorated and full and rich with memories and feelings
but
no matter how good that relationship may be
there is always that door
and no matter if you walked through the door, ran, leaped, or was shoved in
your in here and so are they, and even though you both may be happy
there is always the possibility that the other may walk out through it
leaving the house and you behind
and that may be the scariest part of any relationship one deals with
like, nobody wants to think about the person they love just...leaving
but there is always the possibility of that
how scarier could that be?
always having the threat of being left alone in a full house that they being in made home

thank you
thank you for shattering my heart
you were the first to ever break it and it hurts like hell
you walked in and you ******* wreaked havoc
it feels like everything in me is broken and can never be fixed
and it's all because you wanted to be with that boy
I could spew you lines of **** about how this isn't the worst thing I've felt
but that would just be a lie
because this is probably the most hurt i've ever felt from another living human
nothing about this hurt is beautiful or romantic
it's just hurt and the ache of losing somebody you love
nothing good has come from this except the lesson i learned
i learned that heartbreak is miserable, but i can live through it
even though i know it doesn't feel like it at moments
i'll live through this, because when i was head over heels in love
it was the happiest i've ever been because another human
if the risk is having my heart broken, maybe that's okay
so thank you for teaching me what it feels like to fall in love
and to be swimming in that moment
and thank you for letting go and making me feel like this
and even though i wish i could hate you for making me feel this
i'm no longer afraid of letting myself fall in love
because it's actually a ******* brilliant and beautiful thing
and i now hope to fall in love with somebody who deserves me

sometimes it seems like life would be a lot easier
if the conflicts were a bit more sporadic
if they were more spaced out where we had the time
the time to deal with the conflict or situation healthily
and then heal from it and learn our lessons
then in a bit the next conflict would come along and it would easier
i mean, don't get me wrong, conflicts and challenges that life throw at us
are exactly that, conflicts and challenges
they aren't meant to be easy things, some are easier than others
but none of them are the most basic problem to solve
and life being the thing that she is isn't going to make them easy on us

it seems like all of our challenges we deal with in our lives come all at once
it's like pulling a book from the bottom of the stack and they all come tumbling
all these conflicts come at once bringing so much with them
stress, anger, heartbreak, jealousy, almost anything we could ever feel
and sometimes they just won't let up
the books sometimes feel like they are continuously falling
and sometimes we can't save every book that falls
sometimes the spines break and a few pages fall out
but maybe that's the way it's meant to be
the conflicts will come and we will get through regardless of how difficult they seem
sometimes it's okay to lose things in the conflicts
as long as we don't lose ourselves in them

if i could go back to younger me, or even just back to the me 6 months ago
i would say so much
because I've changed a lot the past few months
and this would've been easier had i known some things

firstly i'd start with the fact that I've learned
you won't feel so alone for forever
i know it may feel like you'll be like this forever, but i promise you
it won't
also don't be afraid to let them in
they aren't secretly plotting to hurt you, they are genuinely good
all of them are, especially the one with the inviting energy
it's okay to have more than one person in your life that cares about you
it might actually be nice to have a little more
lastly, don't be so guarded in regards to love
yes it's terrifying as hell
but it's one of the best feelings in the world
it's okay to be a little wary, but calm down with all those walls
she won't leave you because of your flaws if she truly loves you
and she's not lying when she says she's not going anywhere
believe me, her energy is good for a reason
people are good for you, i promise

flowers have always been considered a cheezy romantic thing
but why can't it just be a normal thing
maybe it's the little girl in me that adores flowers but i do
i want flowers everywhere
if i could have flowers in several spots surrounding me right now
i would
because flowers are beautiful
they bring light and life into any room
they bring smiles to those being delivered to
they are absolutely stunning and they smell intoxicatingly sweet
i feel like flowers should be more commonly adored
and not by just the people society accepts to adore them
all people, all men women and in between should just have them
because who wouldn't want to be given flowers
platonic flowers, romantic flowers, family flowers, i'm sorry i forgot to buy the milk flowers, you made me laugh last night flowers, or i think my favorite
you make me happy flowers
the best kind
but if i'm being honest all flowers are good flowers
buy somebody you love flowers if you can
anybody because flowers are not only for partners
it's for people and to show that they make you happy

god i wish i could see you right now
because the idea of you sitting next to me
makes me just feel better
but that idea cant become a reality quit yet
so i think i'm just gonna sit and think about all the things you do that make me happy
and realize why i fell in love with you
i love it when you sit and love on cats even though you hate them
and you look at me to make sure i'm watching
i love it when you walk into a room with all your friends and you sit next to me
i love it when you ramble about swimming and your favorite band
i love it when you hold my hand when i'm upset and remind me that everything is going to be okay
i can't even write about all the little things you do that i love about you
but a few of them just popping in my head
make e forget about all the bad i deal with
and make my day feel less scary
i wish you were here or i were there
but i'll think about these little things instead

i stared at those stained glass doors
and it made me think about how i used to make them with you
it made me think about how i wish i could still be making that art
how i wish you were still here
so you could see how I've turned out
i wish you could meet her
i don't know what her and i are but she means everything to me
and i think you would've liked her
because i certainly do
that little chapel at the hospital
it makes me think of you and her and a little bit of everything
that colorful glass makes me wish you were still here
it makes me wish that i could understand her more
it makes me realize that i truly am lost in love with her
and that's terrifying to me but i know you would've loved to hear me talk about all of how this feels
i wish i were still making stained glass up in the room upstairs
maybe i could make her something, i feel like she would like that
it made me think about how i wish i had found spirituality sooner
because honestly it has made a world of difference for me
and only for the greater
i wish i were more open about that with her
because she's so ****** chill about that **** and you would be so baffled

i wish i had had the courage to just walk through those chapel doors earlier
i know i don't believe in that sorta thing
but i would've loved to see the stained glass that lay beyond that door
maybe i could've pondered upon the future in there
thought about a wedding in the future that probably won't happen in a church
thought about how it would've been to witness you two interacting
thought about everything that's been puzzling my mind as of late
but i didn't step into the chapel
and i just ponder outside of the space of believing

what is one to do with a love that is outdated and dead?
because i don't know what to do with this love
the love of things that merely exist but cannot be created the same
they barely exist, only in the worlds that desire this
i don't believe me and my love for these things that barely exist
belong on this plane of existence
we don't belong but we work, we coexist in this reality of art
and it's a beautiful mingling of minds
i don't belong in this era and i should be where it was
but i'm not and i'm here and i'm desiring that world
the feelings and the reality of that world
so what do i do with this love of that place and not this one?

i was on a walk with my mother during the sunset
and we were having very beautiful conversation
a beautiful talk with a beautiful person, a spectacular moment
and this wonderful woman told me a statement that many had told her
"that daughter you have, one day she's gonna break hearts"
and it got me thinking
i don't wanna break hearts
i want to fill hearts
i love things and i love them with everything in me
and i want to love everything
and i want my love to spill onto everything i touch
i want there to be love everywhere i look and i want that love to bloom into lovely flowers and grow everywhere i can't be
i don't want to break hearts because our hearts are the most beautiful thing that a human can hold
i want them to be filled with the beautiful emotions of happiness and love and for those hearts to want to express this same love that i do
i just want to love everything and everything to love each other
i want this world to be filled with love and beautiful emotions
i want beautiful moments and beautiful memories and loved people
i mostly just want all hearts to be filled to the brim with love

i absolutely fear love
i fear it with every fiber of my being
because if i tell you i love you
you would know how shattered i could become if you left
i've always feared love
i've feared letting someone in that far
letting someone see how i really am
to let them have the ability to hurt me that badly
to let myself become comfortable with another
i've feared every aspect of love
because i fear vulnerability and being broken
yet i went and fell
and i'm absolutely terrified to speak those words
because then you could shatter me
and you already know how fragile i am

sometimes it feels as if it would be easier to quit fighting
to just let her do as she pleases
to just let her tell me that this way is easier
to let her force my body to scream and ignore it under her command
sometimes it feels like it would be easier to whither away
to quit forcing food into me
to just stop fighting her
but i know i will never let her defeat me
throughout all of the difficulty that she has brought into my life
i'm never going to let her take away the good again
she can have her small victories from the past
but i'm not going to give her my future
this fight will last till the end of my days but i'm never going to give up
regardless of how difficult this may be

i haven't been able to write as much since you came back in my life
what little i have written, it's been about you
i think the reason why is due to the fact
that the only art i care about anymore is sitting right in front of me
nothing i create or think up, even on a really good day
could ever be as breathtaking as you
i'm trying to figure out what i can do because your all i seem to think about
and i don't even want to try writing about you
because then i will be going on for centuries
and never be done talking about how wonderful you are
don't even get me started on how i feel about you
that would be an endless cycle of me stating how in love with you i am
i'm trying to figure out what to do
because i'm always thinking about you and craving your attention
and i don't know how to express how spectacular you are
or how sincere i'm being when i tell you i adore you
i know none of my writing for you will ever me a masterpiece
but hopefully one of these days, you will see how i love you so

i have always feared thunderstorms
i have no idea why but they terrify me down to my very core
the sound of thunder makes me want to curl up into a little ball and hide away from everything until it stops
thunderstorms make me feel so small and weak and i absolutely dread them
and the only way i can cope with my fear is if somebody hugs me and is there
but this isn't always attainable as people are people and aren't focused around me
it makes sense but it's absolutely miserable for me as thunder makes me curl up in my bed hiding under my blanket like a child
hopefully one day this fear will dissipate into nothing
but for now i am terrified of thunderstorms and am in dire need of somebody to sleep in my bed with me so i can sleep
because it is currently storming and i am shaking

i don't think you realize how much you hurt my heart sometimes
cause not even giving me a chance hurts me even more
i don't want to be your ****** friend
i want to kiss you every time you say something stupid
i want to hold your hand and take you to my favorite cafe
i want to show you off to all my friends
i don't want this unknowing *******
i know your scared and so am i but we gotta take a chance sometime
because i don't wanna stay in this weird limbo we have going on
i want to call you my girlfriend and be proud of you
i want to be scared about falling head over heels in love with you
and if you are scared that's fine, if you aren't ready i can deal with that
but at least tell me why you are scared and why that's stopping you
i promise you i wont let you hurt me
i promise you i wont ever just abandon you when you need me
i promise you i will be whatever you need me to be
but please for just once be what i need

i've never felt this feeling before so i have no idea what this means
but you came into my life and suddenly i just knew
that i am going to end up falling in love with you
your going to mean something to me, even more than you do now
your meant to be something in my life and this feeling is too strong
for me to not need to be something in yours
i don't know what to call this feeling
whether it be a hunch or hope or maybe it's not a feeling and it's fate
but i know i'm going to end up loving you

why is it that i want to ask you every question known to man
yet not have any courage to go through with the action of asking?
it might be that i am scared that my curiosity may scare you away
or possibly because i am scared of you never wanting to answer
but either way i'm scared and just wanting to know how you work
i want to ask you why you don't believe god and what spiritual path you think you will follow
i want to ask you why you love math so much and how it can bring such a smile onto that face of yours
i want to ask you why you love that one film so much and what about it makes you laugh so much
i want to ask you why you are so scared to let people in and why you apologize for everything regardless of whether it's your fault or not
i want to ask what makes your depression and anxiety worse and what i can do to the best of my ability to make it easier
i want to ask you how you could've gone your entire life without anyone showing you just pure love
i want to ask you how you tick and what makes you run
i want to see your entire painting and see if i ever appear on it, even if just in a form of a hue
i wish i had the courage to ask you these things and so many others
but i don't know how you could ever feel about my curious soul

I've never really been mesmerized by brown eyes
but today when i looked up and saw you staring
i was amazed and at a loss for words
now i can't get them out of my head
and i'm in a constant state of awe
jesus, why am i so stuck on your eyes?
why do they have to feel like home?
why do i have to crush on you so much?

thank you to every star that decided to enter my little section of the sky tonight
you put on a beautiful performance
with your beautiful specks of light
that shone through the darkness of the world
i feel at peace every time i see you
every one of you did spectacular in your own way
i give thanks for not everyone appreciates your beauty
thank you for giving me your nightly visit
i'm even feeling courageous enough to think i may bring a friend next time
for your beauty shouldn't only be seen by me
thank you for giving me courage and the knowledge of beauty
thank you for showing me that light will always be there

imagine how boring of a world it would be if there were no problems
we would have nothing to work forward to
imagine how terrible that would be
we all have our problems and that's what keeps us motivated
like we are all sitting in this circle trying to pretend that we have no problems
when that seriously is not the case
we all have our issues and our problems
and that's what helps us individualize ourselves a little bit
those issues are what drive us to overcome these obstacles
so why are we trying to pretend like we are perfect

the day i saw your eyes
filled to the brim with heatrbreak
my soul shattered
seeing how my actions could break another so
but as i stood in front of you i watched it change
i watched that shattered heart form into a mess of blind hatred
and i think that didn't make me mourn but made me pity
to see how one could switch from love to hate in a matter of seconds
i pitied how your moment of vulnerability made you hateful
your moment of vulnerability was maybe the most of you i ever saw
because in your eyes i saw everything
and to see that seeing me you angered you so
my presence was enough to send you over the edge
that's what made me pity you most
i once held remorse for shattering your heart but then i couldn't

oh how strange it is the way we learn that heartbreak and hatred are in love
the strange dance they play on one's emotions and actions
the vulnerability and fury in a tangle
and how we can only see this moment through the heartbroken's eyes

i am not the night sky
although we are similar in the fact that i am not always clear and i don't always look as pretty in pictures
this is for one simple reason
i am human
and i cannot be compared to an object
even as complex as the sky, i am by far more complex than it could ever be
i feel things and i think through things
i try new things and sometimes i change how i look
i add variety in my life and nothing can change that fact
so to compare a human, like myself, is so abnormal
because how could something so simple ever compare to the vastness that a human holds
it shouldn't be spoken of or let alone be thought of
but it is because we as a species are constantly trying to find ourselves in things
whether they be other humans or something as simple as the night sky
we always wish to see bits of ourselves and feel a connection with
this bit of information should shine light on a fact
we should be able to find security within ourselves
but it is rather difficult when society and other people try to push the idea that we will see ourselves in something
because that is not always the case
and to try to make ourselves seem so simple is so absolutely absurd
because what makes us human is our expansive ability to be unique
to be incomparable is what it means to be human

as i drove by on the interstate
i looked outside my window
and i saw flashes of light produced by fireflies
but i could only see blinks of it for the speed wouldn't allow me to take it in
and it was then that i realied
i don't want to live life on full speed
i want to live life to where i have enough time to sit and take in everything
to not feel as though i'm running out of space to stand on the treadmill
where i have to keep running to live comfortably
i want to sit and admire the fireflies
i want to be able to spend hours reading and talking
i want to live life at my own pace
and not at one set up for me

as the kind of person i am, i don't regret any of my decisions
because I've made my decisions and there is nothing i can do now
they've occurred and i can feel bad about making them
but i never regret them, because there's no use wishing i could change them
this aspect of me becomes prominent after a loss
recently it feels as though there's been a lot of loss
and it's terrible, i hate the feeling of it
but loss shows me a lot of things
loss has shown me that sometimes it's not the losing that hurts
it's the lost effort and feelings and time
it's the lost emotion that hurts me most
people walk in and out of our lives and we have no control over that fact
but they take moments and little pieces of us along with them
but we take a little bit of them as well
and sometimes what we take hurts
loss teaches us how valuable our moments are
that every little moment is worth something
regardless of how small we think it is
because one day we or somebody else might not see it as miniscule
but as a miraculous moment that is impacting on their life
loss doesn't erase these impacts and hurts on us though
it might even enunciate them
and loss doesn't make the sadness of losing that person go away
time does
and even though time takes away that pain we have those moments
you should never regret those moments
whether they be good moments or bad moments
you took them with you for a reason
i think me as the person i am
certain moments shine light on certain aspects of myself
and loss shines light on my inability to regret moments
although some may see that as a bed things and call me emotionless
i view it as a tool to view moments a little differently than others
to view them as valuable and worth remembering

i'm so tired of having to break these walls down only to have to rebuild them
at this point, i'm out of energy
so the walls are just going to stay up from now on
i'm not even going to try and break them down
let them build up as they please
i don't care how unhealthy it is to let them exist
but i'm tired of trying to let people in only to bet hurt
i've tried too hard to make other people happy
to not make myself happy
so ***** it
let the walls stay, **** it when you tell me to open up
i'm so sick of opening up and then shutting down again
i don't care if you've been there when the door has opened
it's shut now
and it's not opening anymore

i have this sudden longing to feel life again
it seems as though the past few years it's disappeared from me
and i just need to feel it
i need to go to an ocean and feel the water move beneath my feet
to see the fishes swimming and thriving
i need to sit in the front of a car with music playing
to be with my favorite people and feel the wind against my fingers
i need to be in the woods on a rainy day
to hear the water hit the trees and feel the droplets fall to my cheek
i need to feel something and life seems to be the best fitting right now
i need to be somewhere i can breathe
where i can exist and not be forced to be anything
where i can feel mother nature pumping through me
life just seems to pulse through her and i need some of it to transfer to me

it's okay to fall out of whatever we had
but i hope we learn lessons out of what it was
i learned that sometimes i need to not think with what i feel
and i hope you learn that it's okay to feel
but i want you to learn to not pretend
if things aren't okay, that's alright, but you need to speak
don't just drop things when things get bad
talk about them.
because just ending things after pretending their good is terrible
and it screws the other person up
i hope the next person you are with makes you happier
and that the lessons you learned with me
will make it easier
i hope that you will feel better and be ready

i hope all of these good things will come to you and you will be better
but i dont know the future
for all i know you may come back to me one day
for all i know you could also continue on your path
never bumping into the past again
and that's okay
just use the lessons you've learned from your past
they will help you
even if it was a terrible memory
use your lessons, they will save you in the end

i am so sick of these ******* walls I've built
I've been in toxic relationship after toxic relationship
and it made me build a ******* house and I don't wanna do it anymore
I have this feeling deep down that your not gonna hurt me
and I really just wanna follow it
because you don't deserve that
you shouldn't have to be with someone who puts up guards
one of my biggest fears is being vulnerable
because then I could seriously get hurt
and I wanna have faith that you won't hurt me

people ****, they've just hurt me and now I'm scared i'm going to hurt you
out of fear my walls just go up
and i'm just trying to break them down
because you deserve the good
and i'm terrified but you should get that
if you don't get anything else you deserve to at least see the good in me
i promise one day i'll tell you about the people who built them
but you don't need that and now isn't the time
just know that i'm trying, even if you don't notice that i'm working on it
i really am

i will admit, i am absolutely terrified as to what is happening
i hate not knowing what one is thinking and what's going on
and right now, there is a lot of unknowing going on
i have so many questions and i have no idea how to voice them to you
what are you feeling?
what do you want?
why me?
so many things i just want to ask
but i don't know how your feeling
and I'm too scared to ask you
okay, bad choice of word
i'm not scared, i'm anxious
of what the outcome of asking could be
and questions just lead to more questions and its an infinite cycle
Am i supposed to start the chain?
Do i just sit here and see if something starts happening?
I don't know and i'm so uncertain of everything except how i'm feeling

in the early months we see beauty return to the world
right when we thought colorful art would stop returning
in these early months we learn so much
one of the hardest for most to accept and see
is that everything will die eventually
the beautiful flowers will one day wilt and return to being soil
the leaves on the trees will fall to the ground and become a playground for children
and one day the grass is going to be covered by the freezing snow
and just like plants, we will one day die too
this is simply just how it is
we die and will become food for worms and fertilizer for new life
but our spirits will live on and return to the beautiful spring
although most fear dying, you don't need to my dear
because the flowers have shown us that good always returns
you have existed before, you exist now, and you will continue to
accept this, for you are a flower too

i have begun to hate this new life we've started to live
because your never here
and when you are your always asleep
don't get me wrong, i understand why it's like this
but i hate it
because your never really here
when you are awake your exhausted and your in a sleepy haze
and i can't talk to you anymore
there's no time to
and your my safety blanket
you are my human
you keep me sane
sitting and talking and thinking with you is what keeps me steady
and yes, i might be acting selfish right now
but i just want it go back to the way it was

i adore my best friends lover
in a platonic way i think he is one the best kinds of human
he holds all of these emotions and he isn't afraid of them
he shows his vulnerability and the ability to be wounded
and he gives you his faith that you won't
he gives all of his love to the people he cares about
and it's very rare to see that in someone his age
but i think the most astounding thing he has shown me
is his infinite amount of love for her
he loves her with every fiber of his being
and i don't think i have ever seen someone love another human
quite like her loves her
i adore him and how he cares for others
he is so beautiful in his energy and he deserves the whole world
i hope he's always aware that people love him
and that good will stick to him as long as he allows
i hope he doesn't forget that we care

how does one identify another by a scent
because one's scent is always changing
so how do we connect them to one?
do we connect them to the scent of their skin after a morning of slumber
the scent of their sweat after the evening run
the scent of their favorite shampoo
the scent of their perfume on date night
are we to pick our favorite of the many and claim that be them
or do we choose the most consistent
so tell me, how are we to connect a smell to a person?

I have been born and raised in the midwest of the United States
And I have learned many things, some of which I have learned to hate
People here live the same **** lives as the people before them
People meet, they fall in love, they get married, they have kids
Their kids grow up and go to a tiny high school
They go to college, get a job, find someone and do what their parents did
But the thing is they never leave
They are never truly living
They live the same **** lives in a repetitive cycle and they never have a taste of unfamiliarity
And in my years of being alive, I have learned to hate this mentality
To live the same lives as everyone around me
I want something different
I want to have stories and scars from travels and years of being alive
I want something more than this town and this segment of a country could ever give me
With its familiarity and hatefulness towards difference
I strive to leave and to actually be alive

i know that you have no idea that i like you
and i plan on keeping it that way
because i know that you like some other girl
and i respect that, so im just going to keep this little secret to myself
but if you ever do find this and connect it to you
i hope you know that you mean a lot to me
i've become very attached to you and it scares me if im being honest
i have a tendency to put up walls but with you
it doesn't feel like i have to
and i don't know why i've fallen for you
but i did
and i keep trying to climb out of the hole that i've dug myself
but it seems as though i'm stuck

so, i just needed to get this out of my system
that i've fallen for you
and theres nothing i can do about it
and that maybe in the slight possibility that you see this and you like me back
that maybe you'll do something
because i'm too scared to
too scared to lose you and lose what we do have
to the girl who ive fallen for
maybe surprise me, or maybe just keep being you

i've always been the kind of person to give people multiple chances
regardless of how badly the wound was that they previously left
but after awhile when i get so broken
i have to give up and let them go
so please dont ever say i give up too easily
because i have never done that
don't wear me down and blame me for cutting those strings
i have my reasons for burning bridges
and if you aren't gonna let it go until i tell you then so be it

i got so emotionally drained and i felt like a walking zombie
being friends with that toxicity of a human
i did such terrible things and outside of that state i would've never done them
but the biggest reasons i cant do it
no human should get blamed for a suicide attempt
especially if they are just trying to help
no 13 year old should have to take away her friends scissors
because she won't quite cutting in school
nobody should break at the sight of a human

no human should have to go through that
and then feel the need to turn around with a smile and keep helping
so when i say i cant do it
i cant go back to that
don't torment me and make fun about it
because i don't have enough of me to go through that again
im done giving chances to the person that made my soul shatter through a phone call or a letter from the psychiatric unit
im sorry but im out of chances

nothing could ever capture the extent of your beauty my love
your face like the night sky
your freckles as scattered as the foreign stars
and your eyes like the beautiful glowing moon
but your smile and your laugh
are what some would call angelic
but darling nothing could ever contain this

no camera lens could ever have it all
from your curly locks to your favorite socks
it could never hold it all

no poem could ever hold enough words my love
words don't even exist that entail as much beauty
as no song could have as beautiful a melody as your laughter

don't you see my love?
you are the epitome of true beauty
from your actions to your face
inside and out you are gorgeous
i hope the whole world recognizes this
and i hope you do to
for only physical proof can show how spectacular you are

pretty boy get off the stage
the show is over
it's been done and played
take off that mask and be yourself
and stop trying to be like everybody else
nobody is waiting for an encore
so why are you?
step out of character and be the you we all desire
why are you refusing?
because the stage is comfortable?
well, pretty boy, the world is not a stage
the world is streets and aisles where the acting doesn't count
nobody wants to be around a facade
people want genuine emotions and reactions
and the character you chose is not you

so pretty boy its time
take off the costume
and step into your own shoes
don't let how you think you need to be seen
decide how you act
go with your instinct
and pretty boy just be you

i've never been one to have the desire to always live in a small town
to know the story of everyone
and to have the map of the town tattooed to my palm
i've always liked the idea of unknowing
to not always know what's two streets away
to not know everyone in the city
and i've always enjoyed the beauty of it all
in a small town you will run out of views and sights eventually
but in a city, they are infinite
when its constantly changing you can see everything newly
new lights, new faces, new buildings, new streets
change to some can be intimidating
but change to me is something of beauty
and to prefer that over similarity is not wrong of me

I've always had the urge to live somewhere bigger than me
something larger than life i suppose
and It's the night that has shown me this
Once the streetlights turned on and we roamed the streets
I fell in love
Small towns only hard stars and similar roads
The cities held more to me
Was it wrong to fall in love with streetlights?

why do i keep falling for the girls hours upon hours away?
is it for the sensation upon falling for the impossible
or is it purely because i just enjoy their existence
or possibly it could be both
i enjoy their existence but it feels impossible
because if i am friends with them and i tell them it could go two ways
it could bloom into a wondrous relationship
or it destroy the flower of friendship

so am i to enjoy the flower i have bloomed?
or risk plucking out the petals for a chance at love

decisions like these seem so daunting and terrifying
and the answers are never revealed
so unknown garden seeming thoughts will forever haunt my mind
or possibly turn into action with known results
if only flowers couldn't be broken
and purely bloomed and thrived

I dont know why this hurt so bad
We weren't even connected in any way
I was just her friend
And i was just a little in love with you
But you would never know
I never told you or dropped any form of hint
There was no inkling of feelings from you
So I dont understand why my heart shattered when she told me
That you and him were together
I never wouldve considered him as your type
But I guess I really was just her friend
I never knew you nor did i really get the chance
and its just causing confusion from my end

Am i just jealous?
Am i just hurt?
I don't even know
All i know is that i wish that it was me making you happy and not him
I know that I dread the possibility of him coming in May
I know that I still have feelings for you
And that this really ******* hurts

for a long time i would always get confused
whenever i would hear people say
that they still loved the person even when they were leaving them
and i would get very confused by that
inexperienced by love i would say
"well, why don't you stay with them and figure it out."
i now see why that isn't always possible

as i have now been put into that spot
and as i have left someone i still dearly adore
i understand
in no way is it easy
but it is the best way for happiness for them
and i now know why people do what i have done
because it makes the person you love happy
and if that means you having to be a little sad for a bit
then so be it