Justice is not equality
Freedom is not fairness

It’s better to admit you don’t understand
than to torture the hopeless

Waiting for peace on earth,
you dare to hold your breath

So I’ll let you suffocate;
We are equal in death

I have an intimate relationship with
Pain

Simple flex of a muscle
Lift up
Relax
One rep at a time
Getting stronger.

Now part the lips
just a little
Pinch the corners of your eyes
the tiniest bit
to convince them it's real.
Convince them it's real.

All you have to do
Is convince them it's real.

I hold your breath
with cracking lips
against your ear
I emit a hiss

too soft to hear
but feel instead,
a buzz to echo
in your head.

I bite your tongue,
a careful test,
and breathe myself
against your chest

Your warmth absorbed
into my light,
that bitter, cold,
consuming plight.

Beware of whispers –
refuse to feel
when from your breath
your heart I steal.

Hypothetical lust
Generated electrical impulses,
The very same that stirred your heart.

Pulse – stifled, still,
Cochlear arousal (still)
The same that heard "I love you"

Physically imprisoned,
We tremble from the pain
Yours in your mind, mine in my brain

When you know you're making
a big mistake
but you voluntarily make it
anyway

You know you're either
in love or
an idiot and you pray they aren't
the same

Walk away.

Worse than two-faced.
I'm *too-many-to-count-faced.

"Twenty-eight seconds"
he said.

No one warned you about me
You only know who I used to be

Overthinking.
I'm dwelling
on things that need not
more than five –
no, two
seconds.
Dismissed.

Spinning, looping
Repeating.
So unnecessarily lingering.
My mind is a bubble,
with a delicate membrane between my world
and sanity,
that houses liquid danger
Evaporated and pressing
outward against the walls
I constructed to keep others out,
and that instead poison me
with the toxic gas of these
Thoughts.

Your song on repeat
like a soundtrack to pain
and with every listen
I feel you again
Just as soon as I forgot
but I can't let you go
now that you've tugged my sleeve
and pleaded me, no

But your face in my mind
is not close to me anymore
I looked through the window
just as you closed the door
and saw you glance back
but never turn around
Some things that are lost
are dead and can't be found

The song of your heart
I understood back then
too well to believe now
I'll never see you again
You were a sister to me,
so your brother is my brother, too
Now you are his brother
and I don't know what to do

except to sing
except to miss you

They talk, don't listen
Don't listen, for what they say isn't true
Their heartlessness can't break us
It's not your fault
They don't see
What I see in you

Set petty judgments aside
Your value is insurpassable,
Undeniable.

Your tenderness against my tongue
Tender, but never too sweet,
Almost bitter.
No sugar coated lies
Just fresh and raw.
Honest and genuine,
You provide what I need.

Shatter music as relief
when the rest will burn away
until only bits remain
and I beg for it to be day

Nighttime as my prison
when my hauntings ride the dark
and even in the morning
on my eyelids leave their mark

When sleep unfolds my mind
my dreams leave scars upon my feet
where my demons creep inside
and my fears and sorrows meet

I'm encrypted in this pain
and I feel as though I'll never escape
so I submit to endless agony
of death and torture, sin and ****.

The sad truth is
that help comes too late
Now that I’m cold
now that I’m ok

Waterproof my eyes
and wax my smile,
Coated in plastic
and frozen for a while

For what you don’t know
Is you see what I show.

I face you now
so my heart can be seen
Because I’m stronger now
than I ever have been

But my strength that I know
makes me look to you weak
My exposed flaws and worries
look to you at their peak.

Choruses of songbirds lift my eyelids
for the fourth time since five.
The harmonies tenderly resonate in my ears
Singing me to life

Purity where I house guilt,
the songbirds spout glorious praise,
Honestly awake when I lie still
it is no wonder I hide from the light.

With a beautiful song, he bobs through the light
that he wears on his wings
Unafraid to be heard and no reason to fear
for he is not broken, for he has not sinned.

The songbirds sing me to wake
And I soberly stare at the shadows of trees
where they perch so fleetingly,
and I long to sing in the innocence of morning.

In the silence, I can hear
the firing in my brain
Neural machine guns
Shatter the stillness

In the dark, I can see
the electrical sparks
flowing through my body
Lighting up my mind.

Alone, I feel myself
think. You cannot steal
my thoughts or hijack
my malleable brain.

Sensual pleasures
I am restricted by words
Asking to be noticed
Begging to be heard

A push from the air
So you feel its constant hug
So often we brace a shoulder
To avoid the wind's tug

Motion to falsify life
Implying breath without lungs
Moving whip of the dead
That slapped til it stung

The hazel centers draw me in
and the comfort of the pools of green
and blue keep me in, so soft and peaceful
wishing to be seen.

So I cannot deny it,
can not deny your eyes
their need to be seen
by mine.

Eyes closed, yes eyes
and what is wrong
there is always something
something is always wrong.

The center of your eyes draw me in
and the serene pools hold me close
but I pull back and push away because
no matter how you love, he still loves the most.

A rose has no intent to harm you, but she does nonetheless.
With no desire to hurt, she can neither feel regret
You asked for more and it gave no less
But you left her your heart when you met

I had no reason and no way to explain
When I walked away and took all the blame
I could not describe the intimate pain
And you knew all along our love wasn’t the same

With petals concealing the thorn underneath
The shy doesn’t dare to demand be left be
For had she unveiled the pain behind the sheathe
No one ever would grasp for the branch that broke free

So quilt in her likeness until you don’t care anymore
And patch her with pictures when she starts to look worn
Then you’ll lose sight of her beauty, forget what you cared for,
And you’ll wander away, remembering her only for her thorn.

The convulsions of my chest
splinter my ribs
rip my heart from my breast

Tearing muscle from bone
grinding joints
that creak and groan

My lungs implode upon me
choke my breath
I die, suffocating slowly

Stars painted on my eyes
until I'm blind
and my broken body cries.

Gently and tenderly
You hold my heart in your hand
And I slip through your fingers
like scorching hot sand.

Clench your fist in the cavity
as you reach into my chest.
I am the body draped on your arm
depending on you for the rest.

Somehow you need this,
So calmly, hold my heart,
Let my blood drip down you,
a beautifully grotesque art.

Undervalue my beliefs
Overwhelmed with pain and grief
Console my heart
with broken art
And sing me off to sleep

Bleed me out and go,
You can’t see and you won’t know
the life I lack
Turn your back
And leave me here to weep

Find your own mantra
Say it once Say it twice
Bother not with its depth
Do not think, Say it thrice.
Abandon your logic
Bend your life to advice
What are you doing?
Common sense would be nice.
Walk up to the table
But will you roll the dice?
Can you not hear me?
I will only ask twice.

Pour your pain in a mug
Let it steep until it's bitter
       and too strong to taste
Sip slowly and let your lips
       curl away in disgust
But still, let it slide down
       your throat;
       tepid, revolting.
Let the wafting stench fill your lungs
       breathe in the toxins
Until your vision blurs and your head spins.
Feel the poison as it
       corrupts your heart and
       erupts into your body
Let it eat you alive
       and rot you from the inside.

It was me, I killed the Butler
and what you've heard is true.
But before I am condemned
Let me explain to you...

The milkman killed the ferrel cat,
set a trap and let it starve
So now no longer there will be
sick kittens in his yard.

The schoolboys killed the milkman
Maybe it was some sad trick
Maybe it was just an accident
I'll let you take your pick.

The Butler killed the schoolboys
I won't pretend that I know why
He shot them each in the chest
then fired his gun into the sky.

And yes, I killed the Butler
I didn't even know his name
He snuck up upon me
and now I'm the one they blame.

Mortar crust upon my skin
from building walls too thin

to provide myself a sanctuary
where I can deny those who care for me.

I cannot resist my need to hide
So I lurk and recoil inside;

I clumsily regress into a crawl
as my tears remember how to fall.

my body aches
my chest burns
in bitter self loathing

Nativity scene number fifty three
signs shout "Silence and Prayer" overhead
Publicly kneeling despite words we read
Innocent giggles sound profane instead

Selectively ignoring just to fit in
ourselves to the mold of our past
secretly telling the priest of our sin
but bowed in the chapel of glass

Bitter on my tongue,
but I'll say I don't mind.
Too hot to touch
but I can't stay away
And it burns my blistering skin
but I'll be okay.

Take a taste of my poison,
but not enough to die.
I'm rotting on the inside
but outside I'm fine
So you can walk away
but I'll stay behind.

Breathe in
Open your eyes
Lift your head
Take off your disguise

Pretend today
is more than just a day
Let's say
it won't just pass away

We cried
inside
for we know we lied
and we can't hide
that we've lost the fight

There is no battle, the war is won
the fight is done,
we see the sun
glint off our guns

Take a seat,
now, helpless at the feet
of time, and eat
her supple fruit, the cause for your defeat.

Circles spin and pass
you cannot win if your loss plays back
no victory will last.

Watching the sun
fall below the ground
Replace your mask
and Breathe out

Lacking the control
necessary for

bending your heart
I am
not strong enough to break

No self-respect
no respect for
space.
time.

Inhibited
by myself.

Sit.
Stay.
Good girl.
Lie down.

No more
good girl.

Call my name
and I will come
In a moment
to your side.
No thought
no care
no respect.

I dream of imaginary blood
that is only real in consciousness

It fractures my sleep
like hammers to glass
The pieces lacerate my skin
as I frantically try to fix the brokenness.

My life tastes sweet,
feels warm, and I
bathe in its deep
crimson pools of false love that
I doubt every second.

In my chest there is a lump
like coal that's still cold
though I know it can burn
and I peel back the skin over my heart
and I crack through the ribs it's caged in
so I can watch it beating slowly
as I stare in the mirror and ask
how has my life come to this?
When my hand is a blade
and my head is a stone
and my heart is a coal
and I'm frozen,
I strike my hand to my head
and I wait for the spark
to set fire to my heart
for to burn me.
I wish to be smoke,
to drift away and to dissipate,
until no one remembers me anymore

Three hours later
you're sitting downstairs
I wasn't home
I wasn't there

Three hours later
We walk to my door
I walk inside
and stare at the floor

Three hours later
I pace back and forth
you watch and I wonder
if you care anymore

Three hours later
I turn out the light
You don't want to leave
I don't put up a fight

Three hours later
you pull me back in
I need to get up
but the light is too dim

Three hours later
I know there's no use
I don't care enough
and I have no excuse

Three hours later
Three hours without you
And yet I don't mind
but I know that you do.

My glass reminds me
of your smile
Sipping, I taste the lime
Slipping, I close my eyes

Pull me back to you

Remind me
How I got here, the mess I’m in
Remind me
where I’m going, where I’ve been

I circle your wrist and
I circle my ring
You are the tonic
for the key that I sing

I stand out of sight.

Head bent, he checks an email
one step out of line,
easily corrected. Casually on his way
like he does it all the time.

Shameless, fearless,
head held high
Sweatpants and a purse, strange country
just passing by

I know you, and you know
my name. She is new to me
but you both look the same
then you disappear before I really see

Faces familiar and not
strangers, friends, people
Who do not see me watching.
I stay back, for I don't want to be seen.

The essence of roses lingered
as the petals of her lips
and the thorns of her teeth,
scathing,
scratching my surface,
retracted like claws to a sheathe
as the cat behind her eyes
left no mark on my skin,
but tore the flesh apart
so no blood broke through
but its drowning flood
dyed the rose, and
the rose died

The broken pain
when you said my name
I turned away
in bitter shame.
I cannot explain
my corrupted brain.

Embarrassed, I hide,
pushing feelings aside
but I couldn't keep them inside,
covered my face as I cried,
I can't give up my pride
or admit that I lied.

Hardened to stone
I tremble, I groan,
I shiver deep to my bones,
at lies I can't condone
and up to can't own,
beside you, lying alone.

Be happy;
It's Christmas
you're blessed
but you're crushed.

The angels sing
but really scream
and fires rage
where candles gleam

It's ******* Christmas
so be happy
give in to lies
you know are sappy

If you don't
I guess it's your loss
***** to be you,
alone on Christmas.

Feelings laced with irony
That even I don't understand
So how could you?
Part of me wants to run away
All of me wants to hold your hand
But you're hurting, too.

I gave up on keeping promises.
Don't trust me; I don't.
Just walk away.
You're too nice to let me hurt you
Keep your distance; I won't.
But I wish you'd stay.

Rupture my brain
I explode with thoughts unbounded
by constraints in my mind.

Free the ribbons of
thoughts that I held so long inside
but no longer confine.

Erupt, release me
from my captivation of late
no more shall I cry or hate.

Yo word; this is real artist ****
****

I don’t know
I
Am ok

Drugs on your brain

words
cannot express
Pretending to be poetic

I
Am ok

I hate you
I hate me
I am alive
******* alive

specks of blood
taint the sharpening stone
as I prepare
to dive back in
beneath my fragile skin

My head aches in curses known only to man
so you dare treat my mind with your trembling hands
and now faced with tonics from which I once ran,
I comply to the system I never could stand.

I submit to your will, for I'm told you know best,
laying upon the coffin for my brokenness
you put my anguish to rest
the finite consumption of what you can't test

The judgements you made
on the state of my brain
only show you're afraid
of the sum of my pain

Floodlights on the blacktop
Illuminate the emptiness
upon which I cannot rest
for fear of mechanical monsters
much stronger than I

I've lost the words
I tried to say
I can't keep my lost
feelings at bay
I tried to run
I tried to stay
But still my pain
upon me weighs

Forget the secrets
I told and cried
Forget the times
I told and lied
I try to keep them
captive inside
I failed, I lost,
although I tried.

If you could find
my secret might
The strength I lost
but need to fight
I let my secret
out of sight
I lost my head;
Yes, you were right.

He ruptured my heart
with the touch of his hand
I spilled from the crevices
between broken ribs and
as I bled full of passion,
he sealed back my bones

Decay now the soil
from which I may grow
from dirt can come beauty
with a nurturing soul
His hands helped remind me
I need not be alone

I hate myself too much to care that
I hurt myself too much to feel

Break the synapse
that forces a relapse
into the abyss
of my existential crisis

You look but don't see,
so please indulge me
with metacognitive debate
fueling cynicism and hate