The essence of roses lingered
as the petals of her lips
and the thorns of her teeth,
scathing,
scratching my surface,
retracted like claws to a sheathe
as the cat behind her eyes
left no mark on my skin,
but tore the flesh apart
so no blood broke through
but its drowning flood
dyed the rose, and
the rose died

Your song on repeat
like a soundtrack to pain
and with every listen
I feel you again
Just as soon as I forgot
but I can't let you go
now that you've tugged my sleeve
and pleaded me, no

But your face in my mind
is not close to me anymore
I looked through the window
just as you closed the door
and saw you glance back
but never turn around
Some things that are lost
are dead and can't be found

The song of your heart
I understood back then
too well to believe now
I'll never see you again
You were a sister to me,
so your brother is my brother, too
Now you are his brother
and I don't know what to do

except to sing
except to miss you

In my chest there is a lump
like coal that's still cold
though I know it can burn
and I peel back the skin over my heart
and I crack through the ribs it's caged in
so I can watch it beating slowly
as I stare in the mirror and ask
how has my life come to this?
When my hand is a blade
and my head is a stone
and my heart is a coal
and I'm frozen,
I strike my hand to my head
and I wait for the spark
to set fire to my heart
for to burn me.
I wish to be smoke,
to drift away and to dissipate,
until no one remembers me anymore

Scrawled between light blue lines,
between light pink lies,
but he didn't know at the time
and neither did I

So he promised and he swooned,
writing as if forever was assumed
Now only paper remains from the wound,
a souvenir from before love was doomed

Handwriting harder now to decipher
describes my past, how he loved her,
and a future we swore would be easier,
a future always together

Long enough ago not to cry
but the inside jokes I still recognize
And now I wonder if I had tried
Would finding these have made me smile?

Faded pages and smudged pencil,
pages hard for him to fill
but I didn't have the will
to try to love him still

Shatter music as relief
when the rest will burn away
until only bits remain
and I beg for it to be day

Nighttime as my prison
when my hauntings ride the dark
and even in the morning
on my eyelids leave their mark

When sleep unfolds my mind
my dreams leave scars upon my feet
where my demons creep inside
and my fears and sorrows meet

I'm encrypted in this pain
and I feel as though I'll never escape
so I submit to endless agony
of death and torture, sin and ****.

He ruptured my heart
with the touch of his hand
I spilled from the crevices
between broken ribs and
as I bled full of passion,
he sealed back my bones

Decay now the soil
from which I may grow
from dirt can come beauty
with a nurturing soul
His hands helped remind me
I need not be alone

I hate myself too much to care that
I hurt myself too much to feel

My head aches in curses known only to man
so you dare treat my mind with your trembling hands
and now faced with tonics from which I once ran,
I comply to the system I never could stand.

I submit to your will, for I'm told you know best,
laying upon the coffin for my brokenness
you put my anguish to rest
the finite consumption of what you can't test

The judgements you made
on the state of my brain
only show you're afraid
of the sum of my pain

A rose has no intent to harm you, but she does nonetheless.
With no desire to hurt, she can neither feel regret
You asked for more and it gave no less
But you left her your heart when you met

I had no reason and no way to explain
When I walked away and took all the blame
I could not describe the intimate pain
And you knew all along our love wasn’t the same

With petals concealing the thorn underneath
The shy doesn’t dare to demand be left be
For had she unveiled the pain behind the sheathe
No one ever would grasp for the branch that broke free

So quilt in her likeness until you don’t care anymore
And patch her with pictures when she starts to look worn
Then you’ll lose sight of her beauty, forget what you cared for,
And you’ll wander away, remembering her only for her thorn.

A thorn in my palm
etches into my skin
so the blood of a rose
twice as deep
will seep through
the sheer petals
of my facade

Breaking bones by saving hearts
the brittle only shatter
Denial of the loving stream
the only move that matters

Bones once broken remain more fragile,
the muscle tear grows stronger
Self-sacrificial though I am undeserving
and you'll be willing no longer

Nativity scene number fifty three
signs shout "Silence and Prayer" overhead
Publicly kneeling despite words we read
Innocent giggles sound profane instead

Selectively ignoring just to fit in
ourselves to the mold of our past
secretly telling the priest of our sin
but bowed in the chapel of glass

Curse me in your
bitter defeat
As I saunter away in
shameless retreat

I'll hold up my face so my neck
cannot break
And give no regard to your
heart that's at stake

I hold your breath
with cracking lips
against your ear
I emit a hiss

too soft to hear
but feel instead,
a buzz to echo
in your head.

I bite your tongue,
a careful test,
and breathe myself
against your chest

Your warmth absorbed
into my light,
that bitter, cold,
consuming plight.

Beware of whispers –
refuse to feel
when from your breath
your heart I steal.

Be happy;
It's Christmas
you're blessed
but you're crushed.

The angels sing
but really scream
and fires rage
where candles gleam

It's ******* Christmas
so be happy
give in to lies
you know are sappy

If you don't
I guess it's your loss
***** to be you,
alone on Christmas.

When you know you're making
a big mistake
but you voluntarily make it
anyway

You know you're either
in love or
an idiot and you pray they aren't
the same

Don't speak
Turn out the lights
If you see nothing,
you can say nothing.

Don't think
Turn off your mind
and free your inhibition
to submit to the condition

In your eyes
I was a mistake
no intention to keep
yet still you take
disregard my life
for your own sake
swore not to lie
but still were fake

Break the synapse
that forces a relapse
into the abyss
of my existential crisis

You look but don't see,
so please indulge me
with metacognitive debate
fueling cynicism and hate

specks of blood
taint the sharpening stone
as I prepare
to dive back in
beneath my fragile skin

I am frozen
Paralyzed by the reminder
of how it feels to feel

Glued to the floor
by the demons in my heart
that I deny are real

I can't forget
the pain in my heart each day
I don't want to wake up
I just want it to go away

I want to sleep
eternally
I want to sleep
and never wake
I want to disappear
And forever forget

how it feels to feel

The world will never know
how much I hate me

Anxiety pulses through my body
In raging tremors

my hairs stand on end
as my body shakes

and my dry eyes burn
and my empty heart yearns

my body aches
my chest burns
in bitter self loathing

I'll be god for you
I'll spin you around
and make you something new

I'll lurk in the darkness
but curse you for doubt
and punish the blasphemous

I'll tell you I love you
But stand back in silence
as you pray from the pew

I'll be your idol
the sin to condemn you
and the one who stole your soul

I swear I saw tears
form behind your eyes
The pain I feel too
and understand that you deny
I want to tell you
you can trust and rely
on me for support
but to you I can't lie

Words I can't speak
for you make me feel
I had forgotten how
and you accidentally steal
my masks and walls
and vulnerable I kneel
Neither of us can deny
that this pain is real

Words that I dared not speak
that killed me from inside
For to let them out would hurt you
but I contain and let them die

The crushing weight of feelings
that I could not bear to voice
I just let them rot inside my heart
it was my only choice.

I am never satisfied
for I am never enough.

She told me I could do better.
I could, and now I can.
Perfection is a few steps away
from a few steps away.

I think of you and my eyes burn
but I only cry in my dreams

Dying to be sane,
but strapped to the table
so sick of being called crazy

Hospitalized eternally
may heaven be my medicine
to prove I was a failure from the start

I die
to cry
But you
cannot cry
once dead

I feel like I shouldn't have to choose
between nightmares and insomnia

You're too pretty to cry
You're too young to die

I die each night
to close my eyes
I feel you breathing
by my side
Curled up inside
My grip and pride
to feel the demons
that I cried

Below my fist
a brokenness
that longs for burdens
other than this
I breathe my wish
upon your lips
and wander slowly
down your hips

You take my hands
unknown my plan
for you are only
one young man.
I trip to brand
and above you stand
and dominate your
shattered land

My heavy heart
won't let you in
I fight for you
but let you win
The feelings that
I will give in
to pain and dark
eternal sin

I hear you still
though you don't know
you think I moved on
so long ago

But softly rings
your voice in me,
inside where none
can hear or see

the thoughts I hid,
buried not well.
The secrets to you
I didn't need to tell.

So sing for me,
I know you will,
and when I drift away
I'll hear you still.

Be the blood of my lips
sinful red
pinched between my own teeth
in your stead.
The chill of my sheets
yet unknown
Reminded of how it feels
sleeping alone.
Though my fiery skin yearns and
misses you
My bed was to small
for two

Mortar crust upon my skin
from building walls too thin

to provide myself a sanctuary
where I can deny those who care for me.

I cannot resist my need to hide
So I lurk and recoil inside;

I clumsily regress into a crawl
as my tears remember how to fall.

I watch my spirit on a
snowflake
falling softly, gently, slowly
drifting, taking its time
so beautiful in its descent
until it rests
on the cold ground
just to vanish,
melt away,
and with it my spirit
disappears.

The broken pain
when you said my name
I turned away
in bitter shame.
I cannot explain
my corrupted brain.

Embarrassed, I hide,
pushing feelings aside
but I couldn't keep them inside,
covered my face as I cried,
I can't give up my pride
or admit that I lied.

Hardened to stone
I tremble, I groan,
I shiver deep to my bones,
at lies I can't condone
and up to can't own,
beside you, lying alone.

Oh brother, where art thou?
You hath stole my timepiece yet,
Brother, put it in your pocket;
I don my mem'ry, and you my locket.

Oh sister, thou cryest alone
For no one spake of your goodness,
Sister, for none be there to see;
Thy tears art thou own, not of me.

Oh mother, where art thou?
Father, hither thee come!
For the babe cries, the son lies,
and don't mind me, my heart dies.

I draw on my body in pen where I once drew with a knife.
I breathe deep and recall when I gave up on life.
I sit still to remember though there's no way I could forget,
the days I gave no regard for years I hadn't lived yet.

To live in utter hatred for yourself is something I can't explain.
It's impossible to put words to that intimate pain.
Never so lonely as when I'm surrounded, so why,
when I'm loved and cared for, do I most want to die?

I hide to conceal my brokenness.
Some faults are easier than others to confess.
Do not test my limits, I am too jaded to cry,
but when you ask if I'm ok, I will always lie.

I beg, don't ask why
Just please let me die.

Floodlights on the blacktop
Illuminate the emptiness
upon which I cannot rest
for fear of mechanical monsters
much stronger than I

Rupture my brain
I explode with thoughts unbounded
by constraints in my mind.

Free the ribbons of
thoughts that I held so long inside
but no longer confine.

Erupt, release me
from my captivation of late
no more shall I cry or hate.

Penetrate me with your dagger
straight into my heart, I beg
your love and mercy so submitting
myself to you, I lay myself down before you.

Enter my body under my skin
flow with my blood, let it stream
over you, let me cover you with
my life. I give you my life.

Carve open my belly let me pour
on the floor, and I spill myself
as you stand over me while I
die at the feet by your hands.

The convulsions of my chest
splinter my ribs
rip my heart from my breast

Tearing muscle from bone
grinding joints
that creak and groan

My lungs implode upon me
choke my breath
I die, suffocating slowly

Stars painted on my eyes
until I'm blind
and my broken body cries.

I have an intimate relationship with
Pain

I wish people could see
I wish I could say
There's a mess in my mind
Something's wrong with my Brain

I'll take for granted
my eyes will open
despite the pills I take
late at night to sleep
put me under deep
when I wish I will not wake

Caress me, but careful
Do not touch my face
For I wish you would not feel my tears

Expose me, but gently
So I will not flee
For I so often run from my fears

Implore me, be patient,
I struggle to speak
For I choke on my bitter, long years

Desert me, but later
Let me hold you now
For I melt when your words touch my ears.

Find your own mantra
Say it once Say it twice
Bother not with its depth
Do not think, Say it thrice.
Abandon your logic
Bend your life to advice
What are you doing?
Common sense would be nice.
Walk up to the table
But will you roll the dice?
Can you not hear me?
I will only ask twice.

I've lost the words
I tried to say
I can't keep my lost
feelings at bay
I tried to run
I tried to stay
But still my pain
upon me weighs

Forget the secrets
I told and cried
Forget the times
I told and lied
I try to keep them
captive inside
I failed, I lost,
although I tried.

If you could find
my secret might
The strength I lost
but need to fight
I let my secret
out of sight
I lost my head;
Yes, you were right.