I hear you still
though you don't know
you think I moved on
so long ago

But softly rings
your voice in me,
inside where none
can hear or see

the thoughts I hid,
buried not well.
The secrets to you
I didn't need to tell.

So sing for me,
I know you will,
and when I drift away
I'll hear you still.

Caress me, but careful
Do not touch my face
For I wish you would not feel my tears

Expose me, but gently
So I will not flee
For I so often run from my fears

Implore me, be patient,
I struggle to speak
For I choke on my bitter, long years

Desert me, but later
Let me hold you now
For I melt when your words touch my ears.

Don't speak
Turn out the lights
If you see nothing,
you can say nothing.

Don't think
Turn off your mind
and free your inhibition
to submit to the condition

I am never satisfied
for I am never enough.

She told me I could do better.
I could, and now I can.
Perfection is a few steps away
from a few steps away.

Curse me in your
bitter defeat
As I saunter away in
shameless retreat

I'll hold up my face so my neck
cannot break
And give no regard to your
heart that's at stake

Scrawled between light blue lines,
between light pink lies,
but he didn't know at the time
and neither did I

So he promised and he swooned,
writing as if forever was assumed
Now only paper remains from the wound,
a souvenir from before love was doomed

Handwriting harder now to decipher
describes my past, how he loved her,
and a future we swore would be easier,
a future always together

Long enough ago not to cry
but the inside jokes I still recognize
And now I wonder if I had tried
Would finding these have made me smile?

Faded pages and smudged pencil,
pages hard for him to fill
but I didn't have the will
to try to love him still

Oh brother, where art thou?
You hath stole my timepiece yet,
Brother, put it in your pocket;
I don my mem'ry, and you my locket.

Oh sister, thou cryest alone
For no one spake of your goodness,
Sister, for none be there to see;
Thy tears art thou own, not of me.

Oh mother, where art thou?
Father, hither thee come!
For the babe cries, the son lies,
and don't mind me, my heart dies.

You said We still have forever
What's a few more years apart
My trace of doubt, it left a wet line
down my cheek and neck and heart

You said Baby, this is nothing
when eternity is ours
But I saw that in your eyes
your tears were glistening like stars

You said Love will last forever
I am yours, so dry your eyes
Then you turned away and promised
These were not our last goodbyes

Breaking bones by saving hearts
the brittle only shatter
Denial of the loving stream
the only move that matters

Bones once broken remain more fragile,
the muscle tear grows stronger
Self-sacrificial though I am undeserving
and you'll be willing no longer

Each time it diminishes, I know it's not gone forever.
It will always return.
Anger pushes me deeper into my corrupted, compromised brain.

Painless agony that hides behind a veil of apathy
I physically hurt from emotional agony.
There is no tangible reason.

I'm fighting myself, and no matter who wins, I will always lose.

I am a zombie–
Neither dead nor alive, but merely walking around, bringing others down.

I broke my heart
so you could not

I handed it out in pieces
gave it away, forgave, forgot

I gave you my heart
I didn't want it anymore

I am selfish to give out my broken heart
it's not what it was before

I draw on my body in pen where I once drew with a knife.
I breathe deep and recall when I gave up on life.
I sit still to remember though there's no way I could forget,
the days I gave no regard for years I hadn't lived yet.

To live in utter hatred for yourself is something I can't explain.
It's impossible to put words to that intimate pain.
Never so lonely as when I'm surrounded, so why,
when I'm loved and cared for, do I most want to die?

I hide to conceal my brokenness.
Some faults are easier than others to confess.
Do not test my limits, I am too jaded to cry,
but when you ask if I'm ok, I will always lie.

I beg, don't ask why
Just please let me die.

I watch my spirit on a
snowflake
falling softly, gently, slowly
drifting, taking its time
so beautiful in its descent
until it rests
on the cold ground
just to vanish,
melt away,
and with it my spirit
disappears.

Vulnerability so condescending
lurks in my mind
the mantra it's not good enough
in the darkness will find.

The devil in my heart
pulls me into my head
I keep running away
but I'm running toward him instead

And I'm falling, unreserved
and endlessly away
In lonely depths of hell
Maybe I'll learn to pray.

Penetrate me with your dagger
straight into my heart, I beg
your love and mercy so submitting
myself to you, I lay myself down before you.

Enter my body under my skin
flow with my blood, let it stream
over you, let me cover you with
my life. I give you my life.

Carve open my belly let me pour
on the floor, and I spill myself
as you stand over me while I
die at the feet by your hands.

Blameless for once,
I sit in bitter repentance
Of sins I neither regret
nor accept for them my sentence.
For I did condemn,
not them,
And I unashamed,
while blamed

Refer to my flaws,
Yet I feel naught in despair.
Apathetically seeking nothing
And the void awaiting me there.
When I could cry,
not die,
I was contrived,
not alive.

Words that I dared not speak
that killed me from inside
For to let them out would hurt you
but I contain and let them die

The crushing weight of feelings
that I could not bear to voice
I just let them rot inside my heart
it was my only choice.

I die each night
to close my eyes
I feel you breathing
by my side
Curled up inside
My grip and pride
to feel the demons
that I cried

Below my fist
a brokenness
that longs for burdens
other than this
I breathe my wish
upon your lips
and wander slowly
down your hips

You take my hands
unknown my plan
for you are only
one young man.
I trip to brand
and above you stand
and dominate your
shattered land

the Courage of the sun
reflected on her face;
a reflection never as bright
but not dull.
Shining?

but without Courage she
is blind, or she hides.
I walk in darkness.
I miss her
Still.

she returns, not of her own
Will or Strength,
another cycle passed.
rising from the dead to
Beauty

return to retreat overhead
with Strength, Courage, Pain
another cycle. Past.
between glistening Glory and
Oblivion.

Hand me the keys to your car
not your heart
You're too drunk to drive
and you don't live too far.

I thought you didn't like it
when she takes your hat
And when I said I didn't care,
I guess I didn't mean that.

I can't keep your attention
'cause I can't keep my **** straight
But I didn't break my promise,
'cause it's me that I hate.

A thorn in my palm
etches into my skin
so the blood of a rose
twice as deep
will seep through
the sheer petals
of my facade

can stand alone

Too many words,
meaningless
needless,
that I hurl at you.

Too hard to stop
saying too much;
I'm hopeless too.

Graceful pain
in relinquishing my soul
into chaos;
Falling forever.

Be the blood of my lips
sinful red
pinched between my own teeth
in your stead.
The chill of my sheets
yet unknown
Reminded of how it feels
sleeping alone.
Though my fiery skin yearns and
misses you
My bed was to small
for two

Somberly walks he
Ever watchfully
Slowly
on drying leaves,
dying thieves
of dormant trees.
Sacred are these
that summer leaves
her memories
of hopeless dreams
that soon will freeze.
Let it be
and silently
forget about me
so you can see
the mystery
of yonder trees
Whom you believe,
for whom you grieve,
and around them weave
through weeds
whose seed
you spread as you flee
with speed
away from he
who stands peacefully
among the trees
and next to me.

I'll take for granted
my eyes will open
despite the pills I take
late at night to sleep
put me under deep
when I wish I will not wake

I wish people could see
I wish I could say
There's a mess in my mind
Something's wrong with my Brain

I'll be god for you
I'll spin you around
and make you something new

I'll lurk in the darkness
but curse you for doubt
and punish the blasphemous

I'll tell you I love you
But stand back in silence
as you pray from the pew

I'll be your idol
the sin to condemn you
and the one who stole your soul

Darkness ***** the air from my lungs;
It grips me by the neck and
Holds me close,
Wraps around me,
Swallows me.

I killed the bird that never flew
I stabbed its heart when I lost my head.
The bird was black
And I was blind

The rain will keep me holed inside,
Where I cry too
And where I died.
If you dare to keep me up and alive,
Give me your hand;
I’ll take you with me.

I swallowed fire and doused the flame
But it’s still burning
And I feel my heart turn to ashes

Then I fall, powdered,
And I’m blown away
Like the bird in the Night.

I think of you and my eyes burn
but I only cry in my dreams

Dying to be sane,
but strapped to the table
so sick of being called crazy

Hospitalized eternally
may heaven be my medicine
to prove I was a failure from the start

I die
to cry
But you
cannot cry
once dead

I swear I saw tears
form behind your eyes
The pain I feel too
and understand that you deny
I want to tell you
you can trust and rely
on me for support
but to you I can't lie

Words I can't speak
for you make me feel
I had forgotten how
and you accidentally steal
my masks and walls
and vulnerable I kneel
Neither of us can deny
that this pain is real

In your eyes
I was a mistake
no intention to keep
yet still you take
disregard my life
for your own sake
swore not to lie
but still were fake

I feel like I shouldn't have to choose
between nightmares and insomnia

I am frozen
Paralyzed by the reminder
of how it feels to feel

Glued to the floor
by the demons in my heart
that I deny are real

I can't forget
the pain in my heart each day
I don't want to wake up
I just want it to go away

I want to sleep
eternally
I want to sleep
and never wake
I want to disappear
And forever forget

how it feels to feel

Anxiety pulses through my body
In raging tremors

my hairs stand on end
as my body shakes

and my dry eyes burn
and my empty heart yearns

My heavy heart
won't let you in
I fight for you
but let you win
The feelings that
I will give in
to pain and dark
eternal sin

The world will never know
how much I hate me

You're too pretty to cry
You're too young to die

A layered watercolor skyline
under perfect painted skies
Feel the water through my fingers
Pulling me in with the tides

I can't tell the difference
between their lines and my lies
that line is so thin for my helpless mind

Pillars of darkness steal my judgment
That I refuse and I deny
Spills of silence, clouds of vision
marks on lonely open walls

The sea of green
Before the turn
The flame of lust
Ignite and burn

One more time
Cross the line

Why do you always turn away
When I try to kiss your face?
And when I ask you what is wrong
Why do you stare off into space?

I look away and try to hide
To keep these feelings holed inside
I want to say I never lied
But long ago my feelings died.

Then when you're silent and you pause
Why do you laugh without a cause?
I guard my heart with teeth and claws,
But smile and laugh to hide my flaws

Why do you let me stay with you?
I forfeit credit where it's due
Why do you –* wait until I'm through
I cannot say I love you too.

The feeling in my chest pumps
My words mean nothing
My thoughts in words are not the meaning
The words have no meaning
They are mere words
It is work to describe what has meaning but it is not these words
Not words
Feelings
Pictures
Images
Pain
Pain of all kinds
Fuzzy images and memories and experiences
Stop
It hurts
My chest
The tears
The chest pain that chokes me
The tears that invisibly lurk behind my eyeballs
They sting just a little
They make me want to hide
Hide and cry
Lay alone
Why do I lay alone
Why
I’m hurting so much
Stop
Stop.
Why do I hurt?
I hurt for no reason more often than not.
No reason
That’s what depression does
There is no reason
There is no cause
Therefore I don’t understand
I’m hurting
I don’t know why
There is no wrong