I am a poet
And my world is my own
No ingestion of substance can compare

I am a poet
My senses I hone
How else can I color them to share

I am a poet
My pain is my pride
My wounds bleed raw on a page

I am a poet
My hope burns alive
Experiences transform me to a sage

I am a poet
I overflow with love
I accept all for who and what they are

I am a poet
Who needs not a shove
To weave a story in whimsy from afar

I am a poet
My passion rules the mind
However logical I pretend to be

I am a poet
I coax the words in kind
Filled with feelings only memory can see

I am a poet
I see the verse as yet untold
I bathe pages from the beauty of a look

I am a poet
My pen leads to my soul
There is intrigue in every shadowed nook

I am a poet

I
am
******

and not in a clawing flesh, body convulsing, banging headboard kind of way

that kind of ****** I can rock the **** out of.

No
I am more the
twisted mess of forced misconception
enlightened by time innocence forgot
forced into a life guided by trust in the lies truth told

Yeah,
it's the end of life as I know it
that's the kind of ****** I am

I knew joy
it was based on trust in what was true

I knew love
it was built on that same foundation

So yes,
I am ******
this mess of **** crumbling to pebbles while blinding me in the dust of my own ignorance
is anything but blissful

and all I hear are the cries of beautiful dying
not that dying is beautiful, though it can be
but of the death of beautiful things
of things I found implicitly lovely
the painful dying of all I believed was good

I am so ****** sideways

protected by others
I can no longer say for certain who I am
or who I believe myself to be

****** hard and unrecognizable
***** into truth by the kindness of others

No more questions because I am ****** that way too
no one wants to hear their old news and ***** laundry

I knew love once
now all I love, I question
reliving my choices in reasons why
trying to piece together my life had I always known
trying to define how I love by my own definitions
and not by what I knew love to be
because that love never existed
only in my ******, shattered memory

So, hey
guess what
I used to love you
now it's tainted with yesterday's **** streaks

I'm still me
But boy
am I ******

I am the her that is his muse
I am the her that makes him shine
I am the her that called to him
And caused the stars to realign

I am the her that is his breath
I am the her that is his smile
I am the her that made him see
Joy is not synonymous with guile

I am the her that fills his heart
I am the her that gives him life
I am the her that takes away
His suffering and strife

I am the her behind his words
I am the her that sees the man
I am the her that shows him how
The power of love is in our hands

I am in love
For the first time
In the briefest of moments
On the shortest of days

I am in love
With a person of great value
Whose opinion has a voice
Who found peace within

I am in love
With a heart that is ever overflowing
Eyes that see beauty in all things witnessed
Lips that speak naught but truth

I am in love
Completely and utterly
With the utmost honesty
With the promise to remember this feeling always

For I am in love
In the briefest of moments
On the shortest of days
With the person I have finally become

I am in love

The voices
          In my head
                    Aren't always
                              The best company

left to ponder with too much time
minutes tick by like days
and forever seems a possibility
while waiting for tomorrow

I dipped my toe in the Atlantic
and wondered how long it would take to get to England on a rowboat
or to swim there outright
as if I would be so inclined in either fashion

I've seen **** and Jane through many trials
all the running, jumping, and frolicking
never really seemed book worthy
but I read on dutifully hoping they would surprise me

Eventually, I stopped reading the adventureless series
and grew into darker theories of life
that have lead me to ponder the distance
across the ocean to Neverland in ways that I couldn't actually attempt

Safe in my unathletic prestenses, yet vulnerable in my dreams
I remember the snowbirds that chased me
through childhood summers
I remember the accents and crystal blue eyes

I will remember your face... always
but I no longer remember your name

Bludgeoned and bleeding,
     my heart caved in
You chewed up
     the bits and pieces
And fed them back to me
     in the sweetest kiss

There in the closeness
A hairs breadth away seems a million light-years
The sweetest air fills lungs in hurried breaths
A quickened heartbeat drowns out the world
The mind twists and sways in thoughts that soon become a blur
Melded into emotion, into heat
And time stands still

Drawn like magnets to fill the gap
That electric blue spark lingers behind a gaze
Current runs high
Feeling the blood rushing through the smallest veins
Every cell electrified, every hair on end
The weakening of unwanted defenses
That moment the body and soul acquiesce
And time stands still

In the stroke of a cheek
The almost intangible sensation of gliding on smoke
Rising as the embers burn from within
And each breath fans the flames
Proximity feeds passion
As time stands still

The past, erased methodically, deliberately
For there is only this
This birthing of eternity
This moment when the tentative brushing of lips
Burns into soulful coalescence
This one reality
This moment
When time stands still

With the wisdom of the ancients
You speak in clues
Your depth, beyond comprehension
With a cracked smile
The distance peeks through the stars in your eyes
Souls united cannot be fooled
With weight enough to suffocate, you sigh
As my heart tries in vain
To lift you to the sun
I will hold you tightly
Space, nor distance, nor time
Can make us falter
Can make us doubt
You sigh, and my heart is heavy
I love you
And you smile....

If it was me
I wouldn't stand in your way
I wouldn't hinder your happiness
I couldn't disrupt your life just because I love you
If it was me
I would let you be
I would walk away
and hope you reconnect with your family
If it was me
I'd cry myself to sleep
I'd wake to dreams of what could be
I'd stay busy enough to be numb
I'd pray that it would get easier without you
If it was me
I'd cherish every memory
I'd want nothing more than to be with you
And still I would go
If it was me
I would tell you how much I love you
I would make sure you knew you are wanted
I would show you you are loved
I would cherish our bonded friendship
And hold onto it with all I am
If it was me

But it's not me, it's you
And I wish you would love me as I love you
I wish you were less noble
Yet I would never change you
I would want you to tell me you love me anyway
I would want to know the truth
I would want to know everything
For how am I to find happiness, wherever it may be
If I am left to hope and wonder
If I guess on where you stand
If I'm in love, alone
How am I supposed to know what you won't tell me
So, I cry myself to sleep and dream only of you
I fight against reality and pretend I'm not in love with you
In my heart I'd swear you love me
Though I can't possibly let myself believe it
So I wonder why I'm not good enough
I wonder if you still think of me
I wonder why it is so easy for you to walk away from me
I wonder why you don't hold on to what you can with everything you are.
I wonder why it's so easy to push me away

Still, if it was me.......

I wish I had the words to tell you how you embrace my heart
How the very thought of you warms my soul
I wish you could feel through my spirit so you would know how deep love lies
How you dance through my thoughts and color me beautiful

Gilded cage so small and tiny
Even singing comes out whiny
Stinking of fake fresh and piney
Tis the season
Leaking water warm and briny
With good reason

Christmas cheer and glasses toast
Loved ones smile and laugh and boast
I sit perched upon my post
A tinsled column
Invisible reluctant host
A heart that's solemn

A longing for a love so distant
The melancholy is persistent
A smile could erase it in an instant
On a face cherubic
For my heart is not resistent
It's theraputic

So that smile that is perfection
Is mirrored in my own reflection
Without a thought about rejection
Hallucinations
About the subtlest inflection
In Salutations

Surrounded by the merrily intense
With drunkard tendencies immense
A bar with all accoutrements
They pound tequila
Drinking away the sacraments
Oh yes, I feel ya

Merry time with old Kris Kringle
Guests all lubed enough to mingle
Mistletoe hangs and sleigh bells jingle
Gifts homemade
Tables adourned and glasses tingle
Gold brocade

Still I sit all caged and flightless
Blind to joy all sad and sightless
Drink could make it hurt a mite less
I'm going backward
Laying here all limp and lifeless
Broke and fractured

Surrounded by the fake and vexing
Artificial and quite perplexing
Reality they are rejecting
The devil may care
Bellies bare and muscles flexing
Lost underwear

So ******* dancing to the jukebox
Lost alone here in the boondocks
There is no snow upon the rooftops
Ahead they forge
Find a room before that thing pops
It's so engorged

Neighbor ***** all dressed in orange
Wearing gold to make the poor cringe
Stripping time to fill her syringe
I'll be her hinderance
Still too drunk from her last binge
Faulty remembrance

Ridding riff raff from the party
People still drunk on Bacardi
Noxious gasses burp and farty
With toilets makeshift
Worn out makeup on the smarty
She needs a facelift

Time to let the people go
Too tired to keep watching the show
Drinking hard and walking slow
Verbose yet listless
Honey I don't want to know
It's not my business

Tonight the gray in your eyes
Is the color of the skies
In my dreams

The clouds and the rain
Match the pain
It isn't as it seems

The miles can't hide
The love we feel inside
My heart is in your hands
It's been too long
Since those gray eyes sang a song
Your wish is my command
I'll be home soon

Your picture on my phone
Isn't close enough to home
For my needs

The distance is too great
Need to find a plane to take
Desperately

The miles can't hide
The love we feel inside
My heart is in your hands
It's been too long
Since those gray eyes sang a song
Your wish is my command
I'll be home soon

The miles can't hide
The love we feel inside
I'll be home soon

I'll be home soon

Would you think me insane
If I were to tell you that you have set me free
That knowing you has taught me
About who I am meant to be?

Something I thought long since dead
Deep inside myself
Was awakened when you looked at me
Like there was no one else

A renewed sense of who I am
Invigorates the soul
I now believe in fairy tales
And love I do extol

It is not a passing breeze of caring
More like a hurricane-force wind
That knocks you over and lifts you up
Like you're flying from within

Two hearts connected silently
Across a million miles
Melancholy fades away
With just the memory of a smile

How can it be that circumstance
Deals such a cruel, cruel hand
To temper fated torture
Almost too much to withstand

For in a love so consuming
That it is laden in every breath
Forced to live so separately
Is a torment worse than death

For at least in death can be found Heaven
Or if we're guilty, can be found Hell
But even hell, if I am with you,
Can be called Heaven very well

Enlightenment
Through darkened shadows
Clear visions
Reflections of stone
A heart in glorious shades of smoke
Master of illusion
Precise and unyielding
Cool breath and a steady heart
Poised within a mind
In constant dissension
Complex and beautiful
Determined to test limits
Hoping, against hope
To be enlightened
Through darkened shadows

The air my lungs grows stagnant
Between heartbeats
Heartbeats that dance
As he pumps it in his hand
Squeeze release. Squeeze release
Slowly, fluidly
Keeping time with his own
Basking in the moments between moments
Increasing and decreasing at his will
By his hand
Rolling on the sea of tympani
The music of his heart
Bleeds life into my own
Riding the crescendo
Between the stillness
Hidden in the silence of time

Love transcends time and distance
Death cannot quell the loving heart
But each mile weighs a thousand pounds
And we are a thousand miles apart

Darlin' the universe has spoken
And rained down from the skies
Birthed reality in our souls
As it opened up our eyes

Life is bathed in hues of gold
The heart now beats in time
With souls who searched millenia
To be complete, sublime

But each mile weighs a thousand pounds
And we are a thousand miles apart
Love transcends time and distance
Even death can't quell a loving heart

Heard with my own ears
Beheld with my own eyes
Yet now, with empty bottles by,
Lies doubt in things remembered
True in the moment, believed
Then hidden bits unfold
And muddle the edges of memory
Words once trusted, now skewed
Hearts once borrowed seem stolen
And the "truth" tastes like a lie

Lost in the music of childhood Saturday afternoons
Never before realizing
The broken soul she purged through impassioned verse and powerful refrains
This same music offering insight and healing
Songs wailed from the depths of my being
Tears burn my tired eyes
As I cry, never having realized i lived her pain
I am living it now, through my own wounds
Wounds i borrowed from her broken heart

Because there is no reason
Because things change
Because i knew better
Because i want so much to believe
Because I care too much
Because I'm scared
Because trusting hurts
Because it's easier to deny
Because it was undeniable
Because romance seduces the heart
Because you are wanted
Because avoidance equals pain
Because I am empty
Because I am left to wonder
Because things changed
Because I am still afraid
Because there were promises
Because  I believed
Because they were broken
Because I see you
Because I know who you are
Because you are scared
Because I am real
Because I feel...everything
Because lies of omission are still lies
Because you disappeared
Because I want too much
Because I gave my heart upon request
Because you never thought I would
Because I am too honest
Because pain beats joy into submission
Because I know the truth
Because I knew better
Because you are loved
Because I am still afraid

The words fall out of my heart and will ever remain unspoken...
Because I am still afraid

when his lips touched hers
the rest of the world disappeared
and in the moment she could taste his breath
she believed it was the only air she ever wanted to breathe again.

years of a life
encased in concrete
and double-paned bulletproof glass
climate controlled
to a nice 72 degrees
nothing to fear
no place to fall
nowhere to go
home sweet Hell

I am you* in unseen places
The you, which you ignore
Forgotten and left behind

I am you behind the play
The nails and glue
That hide behind the picturesque facade

I am you crouched in wait
Perched and ready
To be acknowledged as truth

I am you inside your words
Shared anonymously
Naked, alone, embittered and brilliant

I am you crouched in the darkest corner
Shadowed by pain
Seething in silence

I am you oblivious to the knowledge
That in this twisted loss of self
You are in fact...**me

In shadows they live
On the other side of sunshine
In the corner of the eye
Just this side of vision
Insanity on the cusp of reality
Truth in duality of time

In echoes they speak
Mumbles behind everything
Calling out a name
Underneath the traffic noise
Whispering in words a thought can hear
Irradicating silence

In the very air they hang
A change in scent in the air
The stink of someone else's memory
A grating plea for a void of exsistnce
To the keeper of dreams and nightmares
As the coin flips, before the call

Visions of a backlit childhood
Of golden-haired halos and shadowed eyes
Slideshow in flashes of painful yesterdays
For those still unfamiliar
Longing to hold the child as he cries
Those tears cannot fall in confusion's void
And fear darkens all roads 'can be seen
Still here, in their nightmare,
Like it was my own
Is a truth told in smiles and jellybeans
Long since gone away

He turned around and looked at me
And his vision made me sick
So I ****** his eyes out of his skull
And skewered them on a stick

Roasted on an open flame
Turning evenly to toast
Hoping as his pupils pass
It's me he sees the most

Tongue chewed from within his face
No screams of discontent
He tried to say, "you're beautiful"
But lies on the tongue ferment

His rancid meat is useless
So I feed it to the worms
Now, wasted words are gasps for air
And no longer my concern

He tried to write, "I'm sorry"
With fingers drenched in blood
So I chopped them into pieces
And spread them through the neighborhood

So as I whispered in his ear
Of all his evil ways
I saw that bitter molten tube
Grow solid as it swayed

So I ground it into sausage
While it was still attached
And wondered, quite in passing,
Why unto me he chose to latch

So here we are me and my feast
And him bleeding on the ground
As buzzards rend the flesh from bone
With me laughing at the sound

4X6 inches
of perfection on a screen
a hint of tortured possibilities
carried in the pocket
of a life built
through blinders and
the most beautiful denial

4X6 inches
of hope undeniable
the foundation of dreams
dragging rough
through cascading walls
of a substandard fairytale
that twisted joy unhappy

4X6 inches
of a smile through a hurricane
bleeding pain through evaporating tears
a reality forged through time uncountable
landing in the rays truth created
when love proved
the existence of fate

4X6 inches*
of peace over pain
a wand in magical medicinals
crashing through solitary anguish
with eyes piercing armor
weaved in passive aggression
leading the lost home

I can see light through the wall,
as it is wearing thin with age.  
It makes it even bleaker to exist here.

I celebrate the joys life brings
Cry through all the saddest things
Yet, throughout all these happenings
You are there
When the broken arrow stings
We still share

You still give me consolation
When I fall short of expectations
If I should lose negotiations
You hold me
In overindulgent celebrations
You scold me

When you call me to your side
I heed the call, I must abide
Our yearning seems to coincide
We're in sync
When my heart is cold inside
It's you I drink

Through the hot and through the cold
There through all the days of old
Tomorrow's journey is not yet told
I know you're there
There is no other hand to hold
My soul I bare

you say it best

                   when you say



                                        nothing at all

So weak is the mind
That the heart feels drained
Evaporating love in respire
Pretending inviolate love
Has a place here
Ascension of the soul
Negated by nocturnal verbosity
Insipid words of discontent
Exacerbated by the irrationality of emotion

You said in dreams I am your perfection
I am more than you hoped you'd find
You never dreamed I'd return you affection
I never dreamed you wanted mine

Your presence is tangible
Across the vast expanse
Yet, I hear not your voice
I feel not your longing
Mine, is the only heart I hear
Alone, for the first time in eternity
Alone, wrapped in your essence
Just a whisper of warmth
A choice all your own
To be alone
A choice that you have forgotten
Includes me
For we flow throughout each other
Still, here we are
I feel you trying not to feel me
And I close my eyes
Praying death over a life that begins here
And ends without you
'tis not a choice could I make
'tis not a life...alone

Bask in the joy of our hearts
Not in the absence of our bodies
For our souls remain as one