Her skin was pale
as if she had never seen the sun or bathed in its rays.
She was starting to resemble a monster,
bones protruding like barbed wire
trapped under her lifeless skin.

For her, time had slowed down,
making her move like an old lady
at the age of fifteen

All color had been drained from her world.
Her dreams were vibrant as ever,
but at the rate she was going they would be forever just that.
Dreams.

She was wasting away,
Dangerously close to end up in a grave.
Her smile was forgotten by everyone.

There is a cloud of black smoke extending itself around me
Twisting its limbs around my neck
Choking me
Till whatever oxygen is
Is just a memory

I don’t like it
when people
look at me.
I’m always afraid
that they will see
the cracks
in my soul,
and realize
that they don’t even
want me
as a shadow.

My head is exploding with words
And stories
But as I open my mouth they tangle
And clog

I watch as you make a hole
in my skin
Obsessively pulling out
my stuffing

I can see the fascination in your eyes
as you keep on going
Till I am as hollow
as that teddy bear you always carried around as a kid

The one that was super skinny
because you had hugged it too tight
too often

The one you once joked
had anorexia
As I laughed
even though
I didn’t find it funny

Because I love you
as much as that teddy bear loved you

And because I know
I too will end up like a faded photograph
In an album no one ever looks at
Because everything is digital nowadays
Even memories

This song is about realizing the sun is shining
That deep down there inside you is a calm
There is a happy
There is a great big world
And the sun is shining
On you
And everything you’ll ever do
This song, it is for you
It exists only for you to go out and grab life by the shoulders
And live it
Live it
Live
Live your life
This song is telling you to live your life
Because you can
And you want to
Because you are living
Your life

I want to pour everything I am on a paper or a canvas
but I can’t get my hands to move in the way they are supposed to
I can’t get my mind to focus
My head is filled with blurry photographs
It’s like somebody has short circuited the synapses in my brain
Something isn’t right
and I’ve got a feeling
that  it's
*me

I have never spoken to you
I don’t know your dreams
I don’t know your family
I don’t even know your name
But I can tell by just looking at you
That you are meant for me
It’s the way you move
And the way you smile
And how the bell on your bike
Illustrates your goofiness
And uniqueness
And I know this is silly and shallow
But I have fallen for the way you shine
And as I watch you I can’t help
But see our whole love story
*Unfold

If I would have cried
It wouldn’t have shown

I sat on the floor
of the bathroom
trying to warm myself
from the cold

Believing as always
that when you are warm
you feel less alone

I comforted myself
with the fact that
noodles and chocolate
tastes better on the way up
than down

As I thought about that
long look you gave me
when you took your hammer to my heart

If I would have cried
It wouldn’t have shown

I only cry on the inside
There is no use getting your face wet if you are all alone

These organs in my body have never seen the light of day
I want to set them free
It makes me sad
That they have never seen the sun
Never seen the stars
I want to set them free
I want to let them
See the sun

I don’t know what has happened to me
I am not the person I became last year
I am not the person I was when I became me
How could I lose myself so fast?
I barely had time to open my eyes
Before I was gone
What happened to the me I had become?

The withdrawal is killing me
My cells are longing for the warmth of your body
For the feel of your skin on mine
For the vision of you to be on my corneas
My hands are itching to hold yours
My heart feels like it’s caving in upon itself
I can’t breathe
I need to be near you
I need to feel you
I need you
The withdrawal is killing me

With your smile
you tear down my walls
and
my foundations,
Leaving me naked
Bare
Standing on an ledge smaller than my feet

Smile
and I will fall,
Harder than ever before

I rearrange the furniture in my head
So that I can fit the boxes in.
It’s an enormous amount.
I am building towers,
But they are spilling over.
Your laughter is everywhere.
Everything you’ve ever said,
Spilled out on the floor.
Every time I’ve looked at you,
Cramped into too tight boxes
In a too full head.
I can't let anything go.

I want to print out my poetry and paste it on the walls
Let them scream my emotions
In swirling patterns of fading text

I want to rip off the ceiling and sleep under the stars
Watch them glow like I’ve always wanted to glow
In a sea of midnight blue

I want to lie in damp grass and watch the clouds passing by
Fleeing across the sky while it catches on fire
In the most outrageous of ways

I want the music in my ears to be drowned out and silenced
By the music radiating from my soul

I am driving for the first time in weeks
You are in the car
And I am speeding
My mind is somewhere else
For a second I wonder if I could just drive off the road
Just so I won’t have to leave you again
If maybe I could find sweet solace in not breathing
But I keep driving
Just once losing control of the car
Momentarily
Swiveling on to the wrong lane
Thinking for one moment that I’m lucky
Happy I didn’t hit that other car
Only to remember my destination
And the goal of our journey
Wishing I had

I adore the lightness of your eyelashes
How they are the moment before takeoff
I adore your laugh
How it bounces like a cluster of balloons flying away
I adore your hands
How they electrocute me with warmth
I adore your arms
How they are strong enough to never let go
I adore your eyes
How they aren’t just a window to your soul, but to the entire universe
I adore you
Like the moon loves the sun
I adore you
Of a consuming caliber
I adore you
Like the summer needs just a hint of rain
*I adore you
with
every single fiber
of my being.

Pretend my
Heart
Isn’t beating
Loudly
Inside a
Part of me I can’t
Bear admit
Exists,
Radiating a
Glowing
Spark of
Epic
Love and
Lust.

I miss singing
I miss singing at the top of my lungs
So loud the whole neighborhood hears
I miss singing
Now that I live in this house that isn’t my home
A place that never seems to have enough air
For me to even breathe
I miss singing
I really do

I let the sun and the moon rebirth me
And woke up in a forest
Naked and alone
Walking,
through the pillars of trees holding up the star speckled ceiling,
I knew
It was gone
It was all gone
The world that once inhabited this planet had vanished and disappeared

I lie on my back
Watching the darkness swallow the sky
Slowly suffocating the luminous white
Till I start to hallucinate
Glittery specks of light dancing before me
Unmoved by the quiet rain

The sky is white
and flat
It’s like we are all living in an aquarium and they forgot
to turn the lights on
to turn the sky on
Our knowledge of how to breathe is slipping away
like the cloud that tripped and smeared they sky with buckets full
of one single shade of white

Waiting under the white sky
we stand wondering,
our breaths caught in our throats,
if they will turn on the sky
and let us remember
how to convert oxygen
into the carbon dioxide that is slowly destroying it
and us

Mother, I did my best
I won the prize
Do you love me now?
Mother, I studied my hardest
I got an A
Do you love me now?
Mother, I behaved
I was nice to my brother and sister
Do you love me now?
Mother, I did what you asked
And more
Do you love me now?
Mother, I ran out of ideas
I don’t know if there is anything I can do
*What can I do to make you love me?

The sun is shining
Filling me up
I am a vial
I take it in
I let it make me beautiful
I let it light my eyes up
And transform them into shining moons
I let the sunshine make me beautiful
I let it make me into a beaming vial of light
In hope that it will
Brighten
The world

And I know we are far gone
When your “later” is code for “never”
And I’m the one desperately trying to start a conversation
I know we are far, far gone
When everything else is prioritized before me
I know we are gone forever
When you’ve not only stopped telling me your secrets
You have stopped telling me anything
I know that there is no turning back
When I haven’t seen you in months
Even though there is only an eight minute walking distance between us
I know that we have materialized into nothing
When all the conversations I have with you are held inside my mind
I know that we are gone

This is a supernova
The millisecond before
It explodes
Almost empty space
Bursting with anticipation
And fear
This is nothing,
Yet everything
This is a beginning
And *the end

I danced
And I jumped
I let the music take over my body
Like the alcohol had taken over theirs
I let the endorphins make me high
And I danced
Not caring if anybody was watching
I danced
As if music was a drug
And I was an addict

It feels like I’ve forgotten something
Like there is something I should go back and get
But the truth is that I lost something
And I’ll never find it
It won’t be in a lost-and-found
It won’t be anywhere
I lost
A piece of myself
And I’ll never get it back
Because the part of my life that piece lived in
It is over
And it can’t be repeated
*ever

I am afraid that no one will ever want me
Because as soon as they see her
They will bow at her feet
Overwhelmed by her perfection
I will become invisible
When her beauty shines so bright it blinds them
They will become deaf to my words
When they hear the angelic melody hers form
I will become a brick
When they touch the feathery silk that is her skin
I will become empty space
When she becomes their entire world
And I will be forced to smile and be happy
When she finds the love I’ve been craving for so long
I’ll have to
Because she,
She is my sister

I will take the knife you put in my back when I wasn’t looking
And push it through my flesh till it graces my heart
And nicks it just enough for the pain to come flooding out
Then I’ll paint you a portrait
Red with pain
And wrap it up with a bow on top
Because I would never forget your birthday
Or to congratulate you
As you grow one step closer to death
Because that is something that's actually worth celebrating

This is a time when
Words have lost their meaning
Jumbled together like a dismembered jigsaw puzzle
This is when
The melody in your head
has been replaced by noise
Nothing makes sense enough
To even be titled
As nonsense
This is when
lost
doesn't even begin to describe you

Will we know,
When we say goodbye,
That it is goodbye?
Or will it be just like any other day
Saying goodbye
Thinking I know
That I will see your face again
When I won’t
When I’ll never hear your voice again
And you’ll never hear mine
Will we know
When everything we are stops existing?
Will we know?

The grass is soft and green
But never green enough
Sitting by the fence
I am telling you
It is just
An optical
Illusion

Do you remember when we were little?
Do you remember the time
We made snow angels
In May
And mum got upset
Because our clothes were stained by grass
But we didn’t care
We just lay in the grass full of daisies
And looked up
At the endless sea of stars
And it was just a little bit too cold
And a little bit too damp
But we really didn’t care
Because those stars
Those stars
They were the most beautiful things
We had ever seen

In your heart
I see fire
I see gold
I see stories gone untold

In your eyes
I see secrets
I see lies
I see everything you despise

In your mind
I see anger
I see love
I see all the things you’ve ever dreamed of

I see everything that you are
I see everything you want
I see everything
Except me

They say that time
Slips through your fingers
Like sand
But it’s not really true
Sand is much easier to hold on to