I am afraid that no one will ever want me
Because as soon as they see her
They will bow at her feet
Overwhelmed by her perfection
I will become invisible
When her beauty shines so bright it blinds them
They will become deaf to my words
When they hear the angelic melody hers form
I will become a brick
When they touch the feathery silk that is her skin
I will become empty space
When she becomes their entire world
And I will be forced to smile and be happy
When she finds the love I’ve been craving for so long
I’ll have to
Because she,
She is my sister

I am banging on the walls
Loud, angry thuds echo around me
I am screaming for you to see me
But you tell me you can’t
You can’t see through the walls,
The walls you claim that I have built
My legs tremble as I fall
The skin on my knees curl around the gravel
And I wonder
As you walk away
Why can’t you see me through these glass walls?

There is an ache
And it won’t go away
A darkness that smothers the light
A hunger that never ends
Leaving me paralyzed
Unsatisfied
Left craving everything
But wanting nothing

He was a crash course
a lesson in love

he bought me a one-way ticket  
to an express train around the sun

I’m afraid
I am
I’m afraid I’ll never stop feeling like this
Like I’m a bottomless hole
Filled with want and longing

I hated love
The love I felt for you
But now it’s gone
And I kind of miss it
All that is left is numbness
I am numb

My heart has been sterilized
It is clean of feelings
And maybe, just maybe
It’s better this way

I don’t know what to do
With this heart
Mostly made of glue

I keep dropping it
Shattering it
It’s an endless circle of shattering and repairing
but I know
Sometime in the future it won’t shatter anymore
It will stay together
A heart shaped lump of glue

Red fur
Black long socks
Almost floating
Through a palace of trees
Golden eyes gleaming
In the velvet night
Perfectly
Quiet

There is a cloud of black smoke extending itself around me
Twisting its limbs around my neck
Choking me
Till whatever oxygen is
Is just a memory

The sky is white
and flat
It’s like we are all living in an aquarium and they forgot
to turn the lights on
to turn the sky on
Our knowledge of how to breathe is slipping away
like the cloud that tripped and smeared they sky with buckets full
of one single shade of white

Waiting under the white sky
we stand wondering,
our breaths caught in our throats,
if they will turn on the sky
and let us remember
how to convert oxygen
into the carbon dioxide that is slowly destroying it
and us

Your ghost hangs around
As his skin touches mine

He doesn't need a cigarette
After ***

But there are still ashes on the ground
Left over from when we burned down

A little slice of happiness
Was all I got
A moment where he loved me
In the shape he thought I existed in
Where I hadn't ruined it
Where he wasn't scared
Where we were
Dreams incarnate

I hate to describe myself with just one word or tell someone my favorite anything
I am more than one word
I am more than one thing
I am a thousand different pieces
With just one you can’t ever see the full picture

I am more than one piece
If you want to know me you have to lay the puzzle
I will never be one word
I am a thousand different pieces

The sun is shining
Filling me up
I am a vial
I take it in
I let it make me beautiful
I let it light my eyes up
And transform them into shining moons
I let the sunshine make me beautiful
I let it make me into a beaming vial of light
In hope that it will
Brighten
The world

With your smile
you tear down my walls
and
my foundations,
Leaving me naked
Bare
Standing on an ledge smaller than my feet

Smile
and I will fall,
Harder than ever before

The atmosphere is a cage
Keeping us all in
A confiding sphere
Trapping us on this orb
Floating through an echo-less space
A breathtakingly beautiful cosmos we will never reach
As we keep traveling infinitely

I’m scared of what they do
When they are alone together
I am scared of the secrets that they keep
Of things that are not my business
Even though I’d like them to be
I am scared that he loves her
And that she loves him too
I am scared because I love them both
Although it’s something I shouldn’t do
I am scared of being lonely
Of love being out of reach
I scared that I’m not enough
And that she will always be better than me

I turned around
and suddenly
the sky
was effortlessly
blue

The water was so blue it hurt my eyes
but I
couldn't
stop staring

I lost my breath
kissing you
and now I'm losing it again
missing you

On the inside I am breaking into a thousand pieces
But my face is like one of a statue
Unmoving, sharp
Totally emotionless
At least for now
Soon a crack will appear on my marble body
At the place my heart once lived
Then it will spread
Creating a web of tiny cracks
Just one poke
One tiny little touch
And I will become
Nothing
But
A
Pile
Of
Marble dust

The grass is soft and green
But never green enough
Sitting by the fence
I am telling you
It is just
An optical
Illusion

I’m not able to capture the true beauty of the universe
I can’t capture the ever changing clouds’ fluffiness
Or the way a bird soars across the sky in the easiest of ways
I can’t capture the warmth of the sunshine
Or the coolness of a breeze
I can’t capture the music playing from an old car stereo
Or the harmonies combined of the world
I can’t capture the smell of the rain
Or the pressure of the drops as they unite with my outstretched hands
I cannot capture the true beauty of the universe
I can, however, lie in the grass
Counting stars
Forever

Wherever I go
I am always chasing the sun
Always chasing happiness

No matter how far I stretch my hands

It’s always
just
a little bit
Out of reach

I lie on my back
Watching the darkness swallow the sky
Slowly suffocating the luminous white
Till I start to hallucinate
Glittery specks of light dancing before me
Unmoved by the quiet rain

If I would have cried
It wouldn’t have shown

I sat on the floor
of the bathroom
trying to warm myself
from the cold

Believing as always
that when you are warm
you feel less alone

I comforted myself
with the fact that
noodles and chocolate
tastes better on the way up
than down

As I thought about that
long look you gave me
when you took your hammer to my heart

If I would have cried
It wouldn’t have shown

I only cry on the inside
There is no use getting your face wet if you are all alone

The clouds
Look like they are
Paradise
Pure paradise
I want to run and skip
Over and through them
With you

This year
My goal isn’t to find love
This year
Love will have to find me

It's funny how
you thought
I was crazy
when the only one
who ever made me that way
was you

I picture daisies on my grave
Yellow daisies swaying in the tall grass
Above the wooden casket holding my bones
Frozen in a state of perpetual summer

I feel happy for you two, I do.
But not happy enough to want to stare at you for two hours straight
Waiting
While you hug and play with each other’s hair.
I don’t need to be reminded that I am alone,
That nobody wants me,
In the most painful way possible.
I see what you have
And I want it.
So,
The next time you ask me to go for a walk
Please, just wait till you can bear to leave each other’s arms,
So I don’t have to stand there
Waiting and watching,
While my life gets shorter and shorter,
Constantly reminded that
Nobody wants me.
Nobody
At
All.

I am driving for the first time in weeks
You are in the car
And I am speeding
My mind is somewhere else
For a second I wonder if I could just drive off the road
Just so I won’t have to leave you again
If maybe I could find sweet solace in not breathing
But I keep driving
Just once losing control of the car
Momentarily
Swiveling on to the wrong lane
Thinking for one moment that I’m lucky
Happy I didn’t hit that other car
Only to remember my destination
And the goal of our journey
Wishing I had

I stopped taking them
The pills
I didn’t want to rely on them
To be happy, but not too happy
Or to sleep, but not too much
And to eat the right amount.
I wanted to be able to do it by myself
Without the manipulation of my neurotransmitters
And surprisingly enough
I could
I can
I’m fine
Balanced
In a way I haven’t been in years
But I’m cautious
I lied to my psychiatrist
She doesn’t need to know
My mood could flip in an instance
I could spiral again
Loose control
And fall down the same hole I just climbed out of
So, she doesn’t need to know
I need the pills to still be there if I need them
If not for a change in my biology
But for the hope
That makes the fall bearable