like walking on eggshells
worse
walking on shards of glass
broken window pane
i leaned too far out this time

afraid of every moment
terrified
that every breath
will be the one to break me open

scared
of spilling over and out
like blood on a new carpet
there's no cleaning this mess

i convince myself it's just my dreaming
but even in sleep i am awake
there is no pretending
there are some roads we simply must take

i may not like this one
i may hate this path with every ounce of meaning
every once of life i have left
but i guess that's why life is funny
it's not always about the journey
nor the destination
its not about choosing a path
not about the road less taken
it's about continuing down that road
taking each step in this dark alley
not because i want to
not because i have to
but because that's life
to keep going
to keep going
until you are you again
until i am me again
i'll keep going
i know soon
i'll find that path
that feels a little more like home

i feel as though i am walking through oblivion
and i cannot decide what's worse
the feeling of the earth beneath my feet
my heart floating somewhere in space
or the knowing
that to feel myself whole again
i'll have to shoot it down

if i take that breathless step towards oblivion would hope follow me or would this emptiness swallow me whole?

looking at those photographs
scrappy edges
wiry film
blurry but not hazy
hazy but not blurry
silent but speaking
in some tongue foreign to me
yet strangely familiar
like an old postcard
ink worn but scented with memories
pictures of people
pictures of things
broken-down cars
old lonesome barns
store fronts
alleyways
colors and tones
washes and finishes
edited
untouched

i saw you in them
or maybe i saw myself
perhaps it was both of us

im outside my body
i saw myself in you
i dont know where you are
i hope you are in happiness
wherever that is
wherever you may be
i dont know where i went

maybe i can find it
that drop of innocence left behind
long ago forgotten
the perpetual search for childhood
the ache for simplicity
longing for something solid
to stop us all from being swept away in the madness
in a world with so much chaos
so violent with envy and lust

those pictures made me sad
and i felt an emptiness i have not felt so incessantly
as if the whole sea had been poured out
over the desert
running out of dry land
no where new to go
no more room left to grow

looking at these frozen moments
these snapshots of stillness in in a world that is spinning
you manage to find the perfect silence
in all of this deafening violence
a momentary pause from perpetual motion
laughter and sunshine
held in place as if god closed her eyes so that for just one moment, the world could hold its breath
and you could bottle it all up
shadows and highlights climbing out of frame
colors flowing
to greet me in my monochrome

they make me ache to feel those memories
to breathe fresh air
to see and not be seen
to be a spectator
of life's hidden moments
to feel something

and for a moment they make me wish
i too could capture the warmth of a spring evening
in a single frame
to find beauty in a street sign
but ill leave that to you

you dressed like the rain
it made me cry
solid tears
like timber ash
like hurricanes
shores of lake michigan
memories in photographs
still lifes
self portraits of doubt
i hate how beautiful you can turn
an ugly thing
make pain into art
turn me into a painting
i feel colorless
you make me bold
oil pastels on a blank canvass
oh how we all long for the talent
to turn shame into a sunrise

i hate the cold
when you're not there for me to hold

i hate the wind
unless its willing your ship back in

i hate the snow
the chill reminding me of past memories
for which i'm far too old

i hate the sun
the way it blinds me
the way it hides behind the clouds like a child

i hate the spring breeze
how it carries those leaves
how lighthearted it seems
i can hear it laughing at me

i hate the sleet and the hail
they remind me of how
i can never make up my mind
or decide who it is i want to be
whenever i step outside

i hate the moon at night
who simply borrows its light
just like i borrow your time

oh, but i love the rain
more than anything
i love the rain
the way it sings sweet songs to me
the echo of the thunder
the pause between the lightning
like waiting for that one last kiss
the way the streets look
how the pavement seems to radiate
i love the feeling i get
falling along with the rain
pouring myself out
feeling myself circle around the drain
i love the way it weighs down my hair
leaves my clothes heavy and wet
being reminded of how little i am
how little i mean
how i am but one drop
in torrents of rain
flowing into that great ocean
from which we all came

so you can have all your seasons
you can have hail, sleet and snow
you can bask in the sunlight
or hide, with your head in the clouds
breath in the cool breezes
or the cold wind that blows
take shelter from those cold nights
dance under the moonlight that glows
but whatever you do
i ask one simple favor from you

leave me the rain

please leave me the rain.

that's what you are
a spirit
haunting every square inch
of this aching body
every breath i release
is stolen by you
every word whispered
you hear
you don't leave my mind
won't leave my brain
seeping through my skin
staining my sheets
why can't i breathe
when it's your face i see

i guess the real question is
why do i love you so
when i know
oh god do i know
that you'll never love me back

i know
as each moment passes
that i move farther and farther
outside your mind
when i am stuck
with the image of those eyes
the taste of those lips
the feeling of your hands
rough
but so gentle

you're the storm with no warning
you're a red sky in the morning

but i'm that one dumb sailor
jumping straight in the ocean
i tore my ropes off
to listen to the sirens' sound

i'd gladly tear my heart
to make the room for you to stay
but i know
you wouldn't

you'd look on
with pity and regret
wondering how you let me get so close
how silly must i be
to think someone like you
would ever love
someone like me

i love you the way it hurts
the way it cuts me
further than a knife
i watch the blood
blackened with lust
seeping with envy
all the vices
poison in my veins
i feel you coursing through them
like a drug
going straight to my brain
like the bourbon we once drank
that late night in the city
street lights blinking
and you called me pretty
and part of me died right then and there
knowing that you’d never be mine
mine
that’s all i want
i need it more than i need the air
that i’ve been struggling to breathe
i need to tell you those three words
instead you watch as they strangle me
if only you knew
do you know?
am i fool for assuming your ignorance?
are you blind to my bleeding heart
has my blood not stained the earth enough?
nor your sheets that we lay in?
have my lips not whispered a thousand little things
words phrased perfectly to say
everything but i love you
but god how i love you
how i ache to feel it from you
but i’ll keep on giving
my body and my soul
hoping that one day
i’ll reap what i sow

- - - - - - - - - - -

how can you not see this?
isn’t it cruel to watch me do this
to torture myself so
to beg for love and affection
yes i know i get your attention
but love that’s a burden isn’t love
asking for your time isn’t love
i need no conditions
no terms of agreement
i want crazy endless love
i want to be blinded in imperfection
i want you
all of you
i’d give a hundred years
to spend one more night beside you
i’d breathe my last breath
dying to hear you call me
that sacred name
that beautiful perfect name
i’d give anything
just say that i’m yours

we
what a lovely simple word
what a beautiful surrender
to let that wonder become
what was once you and me

we

what understated beauty
to be found in a single syllable
what a precious sound

singularity shifting

how lucky some people must be

to have a we

im in love with the way
your hands
they shake
when you pass the last cigarette

in love with how
it took you so long to come my way

the way you take your time
to find what's right

im in love with the way
you take what's yours
without apologies
or tainted words

the way even the back of your hands
smell like a home i'll never have

the way the entirety of the cosmos
fit themselves so kindly in your eyes

how the joy of summer's first sun-rays
washes over me with your laugh

the way Sundays just aren't so lonely
when i know you're the Monday that comes next

i love the taste of cigarettes
coming from your lips

the lips that open me up like you're giving me new life

i love the way i feel no pain
i love the way you feel like the rain
you cleanse me of my sin
and you help me begin
to see my life as something more precious
i love the way my reflection
isn't quite as disconcerting
when i see you in the mirror too

i love the way my soul starts to leave my body
to be a little closer to you

i love the way that music sounds different

i love the way it feels
to know someone like you is real

and the terror at thinking
that this is not

that this is just a notion
and i'm just here
like drift wood floating in the ocean

i love the way you can't be fixed
to anyone's idea of what this is

i love the way your voice feels
like a summer's sweet breeze
drifting through the doorway

i hate the way i miss you
because you're not mine to miss

i hate the way i kiss you
knowing i can't own this sweet bliss

i hate the way i feel you
in every guitar string i pick

the way i smell you here
even when you're somewhere else

the way you stay in my mind
like memories stained stronger
than spilt red wine

i love the way my vision has changed
everything looks different with you

minutes become seconds and years become days
i love the way you keep me
in a sublime haze

and god how it stuns me
that somehow
someway
it took you so long to learn to love yourself

you look like an island
like shelter from a storm

i love the way
all i need is your gaze
to make me feel warm

and the way you still walk me home
even though it's not home to me

i hate the way i can't have you
never should and never could
and i know i don't need more
and i don't deserve more

i know it would all fall apart
and i know it's a waste of time
trying to turn water to wine

i know i don't want to make this real
i know already know how this ends
but i wish there was a way
to bottle you up
to save for the day
when this is all just pictures in my brain
playing like an old movie
soundtrack i can't get out of my head
subtitles in a language i no longer speak

negatives held up to the sun
blurry and incoherent
like my thoughts when you're around

but beautiful pictures
like people
find their way to the light
you develop me like a picture portrait
of someone you'll soon say you used to know
and i'm just a fool who is grateful
for having been able to sit in on your show

but i'll stay in the back
and i'll leave before the credits start to roll
so when the curtains close
i won't have to watch you go

blood runs thicker than water

but they don't mention
blood that's like a poison
infection passing through your veins
parasites are hard to evade
when they're part of your DNA

so we drink fresh water
keep gulping it down
until we drown in it
cleanse my lungs of this thick black smoke

family is not always a refuge but a dungeon

dark chocolate eyes
the kind that should have been mine
hips like the tide
move like that
make me smile
legs that keep going
have me looking longer than a mile
you wind me down
better than the strongest wine
but you go down smooth

the taste of your mouth
sweet like the strawberry kind
lips so soft it make you stop just to think about them

though your words cut deeper than a carving knife
i'd pay to hear you speak them one more time

make me question every ******* day
why the hell you aren't mine

baby i'd put myself in debt
just to hold you for a while
you say no amount of money
can buy your time
but when that hand
is on my thigh
it's you who colors my sky
painting right over my grey days
wish i knew you'd always
be by my side

and it only occurred to you upon glancing at yourself today
how lonely it feels
hands pressed against your body this way
tide shifting to move mountains
to let your latest current through

hip bones
thighs
the infrequent sighs

signs of some meaning to come

once the other hand has won
then is it time for you to run?

come down from your mountain top
where heaven's always too late

climb out of that hole
the one you dug with your own hands

come taste the moonlight
feel the dew like cool sunshine
sink into your skin

breathe in the breeze

let this wilderness seep in

the way the sun hits
warming up my soul
ashes floating down pass my feet

your lips are like that
first breath in
fresh first fleeting
hit from that first cigarette
wishing you were my first
knowing you can’t be my last

the smell of new pavement
streets after a rain
feeling cool and warm
hot and cold
dizzy
raindrops on my skin
as welcome and unexpected
as your waning grin
as shocking
as the first time you kissed me

hands on my skin
my skin
my skin

those dark chocolate eyes
those cream colored thighs
lips like caramel
dripping like spilt wine
pouring out sweet candy
tongues playing twister
legs longer than a mile
the way you only half smile
your curves feel like home
the way my hands
know the layout of your land
every inch
memorized
mesmerized
the way your hair
picks up the golden
steals the shine right from the sun
pouring through the glass
wishing this moment would never come to pass
i want to make you mine

too much sweetness
giving me a cavity

but that brown sugar skin
the way those arms take me in
moans like no other
words under breath
whispered
not expressed

my god baby
you were the best

i've finally started to see
that being single
just means being me

single doesn't mean missing something

single doesn't mean empty
single doesn't mean one less
doesn't mean i lost something

i just gained myself
i just gained freedom


1≠0

1≠-1

me and you did not always equal two
sometimes it was more me carrying you

i used all those burned bridges
all that baggage
those tears
the broken glass
the stained sheets
the anniversary presents
that old t-shirt i took
all those sweaters too
even those socks i stole in the winter
when the snow soaked through my shoes

i took all the leftovers
from all those years
and i used them to learn

stacked up all those memories
used them to reach a new understanding

re-purposed old arguments
to make me a better woman

i stopped covering old scars
i let them remind me of how far i've come instead

i let the slight tinge of pain
when i see your face
remind me that my heart
still works
that my brain still remembers
and that's OK

getting over
and moving on
isn't feeling nothing

1≠0


moving on
and getting over
means trusting myself

making my own decisions
making my own mistakes
instead of cleaning up someone else's

it means standing on both my feet

instead of balancing on one

it means keeping myself warm at night
easing my own mind

it means taking care of myself
so that i can love me

it means looking in the mirror
and knowing i am beautiful
not waiting for the words to come off of someone else's lips

being single

means i have nothing to lose
and everything to gain

so no i am not lonely
no i am not bored

no i am definitely not looking
i am not searching

i have already found my partner
i found her the second you left me
by myself

i still find her everyday

my other half
is just myself being whole

i find my soulmate
every day without you

i find her in the subway
humming to herself on the platform
i find her in my morning coffee
i find her looking back at me every day
and every night
i find her staring at me through the mirror
and i find her in all those times
that i used to feel alone

being single doesn't mean i am singular

i am an infinite arsenal of strength
of hope and self-love

being without you
gives me more time to become me

and i think i'm going to love
this becoming
more than i ever loved
being with someone else

i don't need a relationship history
to define what i should be

i am writing my own **** book
and the heroine is me

i don't need a script
written by some husband-to-be

my life is not a fairy tale movie

it's a real, raw, documentary
and it's starring me

so i don't need
five star reviews
from past lovers and fools
to tell me how good my acting was

i don't need to act anymore
i don't need to fake it

i'm doing this for me
now and forever
and since you carry yourself
wherever you go
forever and always
is one promise
that i know i can keep

and if i do meet someone
who says they love me

well this time i'll love me too

next time it won't be 1+1=2

it will be 1+1= 1 +1
i'll be me and you'll be you

but for now it's just me
and i'm more than just enough
i'm plenty

do you believe in god?

funny how it sounds like asking
if you believe in magic

when you were a kid it was a given
now we are not so sure

do you believe in heaven?
or is this place the reality?

do you believe in life after death?

are those taken from us just waiting for us to come back to them?

do you believe in god?
is she who we thought she was?

do you believe in god?
or the power of humanity?
why have those become mutually exclusive?

do you believe in responsibility?
or has faith taken that from you?

do you believe in prayer?
worship at the altar?
robes and crowns? kneeling and bowing down?

or do you believe it is within you?
silent, personal, private

do we need a building
ornate and magnificent?
to prove our innocence?

or do we need only ourselves
our hearts alone with god

i don't need a book
telling me what to be
i don't need a circle of men
to tell me when to breathe

i don't need stained glass windows
to make me see the light

no scrolls or ancient articles
to tell me what is right

my spirit is the one
that leads me to prayer at night

my god doesn't hate
doesn't reward evil with spite
my god doesn't create love
just to punish those who practice it

my god doesn't abide by labels
or care who you go to bed with at night

my god doesn't need you
to play the saint
only when the spotlight's on you
my god
sees through the facade

my god
is my god

arms wrapped around me
as neon crimson floats through the air
crowd swaying back and forth
fain smell of cigarettes and liquor
beer spilt on the venue floor
sticky beneath our feet
i lost an earring
i can't remember why i was so upset

embracing

that is what i miss the most

who do i have to embrace now

what embraces me now
but silence?

soft water
hard stone

tender heart but wild and over grown

maybe one day
ill learn to let go

i'm writing this because i need to focus
i'm writing this because i need to get it off my chest
i'm writing this because it's driving me insane
rather
i'm writing this because i don't know if i'm going crazy or if it's real
i'm writing this because i have a mile high stack of responsibilities with my name on it that i can't seem to get to because all day all i do is think of you.
so here goes.

i'm still in love with you.

scrap that.

i still think of you every day
i still feel your touch on my skin
i still hear your voice in my ear
i still catch myself pretending you're next to me
when i can't sleep at night

so what do you think?
am i still in love?

is this just the loneliness of winter in the city getting to me?
is this just desperation?
is this just having not been kissed in so long?
is this OCD? is it depression? is it my anxiety?

or is it you?
is it me?
was that why you left?

it doesn't matter anyway, right?


each memory of us replaying through my mind like a film with no ending
i spend each morning and each night waiting
for that final scene

i tried to force myself to think
of all the reasons we went bad
all the sour memories
bitterness
i could taste it on my tongue
cruel words
pouring out of my mouth
like hot oil
the tears
burning like fire from my eyes

but the laughter and the joy
keep coming back
oh god joy
i haven't felt that in a while have i

it had become a synonym for you

now i know that i'm fine
i have no trouble getting through

it's just the getting over
that's proven hard to do

so if someone could let me know

am i in love?

or is this a passing storm?

will i sink or swim?
should i dive right in?

i don't know what's worse
seeing you and feeling the air being ripped out of my chest
sensibility blowing away like petals in the wind
or seeing your face and feeling nothing
absolutely nothing at all

you gave my name meaning
now i must work everyday
just to be who i am

my chest hurts just thinking about you
my feelings clawing out of my chest
like an animal caught in a cage
i feel bound by the idea of you
glued to the image of us two
my body can’t forget your touch
my skin relives each moment
every neuron sending dopamine straight through my tired brain
serotonin seeping through the cracks in my depression
oxytocin making me high just for a moment
before the anxiety kicks back in
cortisol replacing common sense

the smell of your cologne
something old and outdated
yet so perfect with your chemistry

i miss it
our chemistry
the aching pull towards your body
even when all we did was scream and cry
i needed to feel you against me
i need to feel you against me
one more time

i need to know if it was real
i need to know if we could heal
could this slipshod marriage of hope be renewed

i said i wanted nothing serious
you said the same thing too
we were fools
but love’s a fools game
and baby we were the best at it
until we started breaking the rules

the thing about hindsight is
it’s not 20/20
it’s more like 50/50
half reality half make believe
i see rose colored street signs
rose colored tears
everything stained with pink
from our single shared year

everything that’s rosey
turns black and blue
but god how i’d be so willing
to be covered black and blue
if i was doing it with you
how i’d pay to cut myself open
just to let you back in
the deepest of heartache
was from our own sin

maybe it was both of us
who sunk this old ship
but i am the one
who is still waiting adrift

yes i’d go black and blue every day
if i knew at the end of the night
id be coming back home to you

does it reach down past your toes
does it mount you to the ground like a thousand bolts into stone
does it move straight through your body
does it leak out through your clothes
can you feel it in the air
like smoke blown through windows
can you taste it in the music
tastes so sweet as it flows
do you smell it in the shower
hot sweat and clean clothes

how deep is your love

does it reach across mountains
does it bridge across the ocean
span highways here and far
can it cut through you like glass
sharpened from years of desperation
can it fill every bottomless flask
till your cup runneth over
does it hum like the sound
of ten heartbeats surround

how deep is your love

does it cut like a knife
or tear like a dog at a bone
does it rip you to pieces
can it sever you whole
would you leave it for nothing
does it swallow you whole

will it lead you to nowhere
yet you'd still gladly go

how deep is your love

will i ever know

like thick rain pouring down
streams pooling into rivers as they flow down the mountain
being in love is like drinking the poison
letting the sickness seep into your veins
feelings your organs change
as your heart starts beating for more than one body
as your soul starts sharing itself with another

falling out of love is different
maybe that's because i was pushed

leaving you behind is like closing your eyes
try not to peek but the sense of urgency is creeping
i cover them but everytime i blink
i see you standing there
i see us dancing through this pain

i see your face start to strain
as you realize im never going to change
as you realize you can't stay

i see your name
in street signs
hear your voice as im switching trains
i feel your breath on my neck
as i board the subway
smell your skin on my sheets right before doing my laundry

i sense your need for change
endless chasing of timelines

i wish i could see how it'd end
if things had gone different
i wish i could see how i'd begin
to be what i've been missing

i remember the good times
the laughs and the kisses
surprise trips to the beach
locked hands and biting teeth

i remember the passion
insane
red hot like a furnace
i should have learned to stay away from the flames

oh but how i loved that slow burn

but your path had to turn

and now i feel traces of you
endless skies dotted red across blue

i want to forget your face
every inch of my body you traced

i need to lose track of the memories
i need to remember the bad

all the tears and the fights
all the goodbyes and let goes
those times i felt us die
even before you told me to go

i guess its easier to think of all the things that went right
because letting go of the past is like saying goodnight
without knowing if there will ever be the morning light

i guess this is me admitting
that i didn't get over you

i just kept moving through
the endless highways of you

to reach the final destination
of me being whole
without you

y o u


y for yearning

seeing your face and waiting for you to turn
the warm air before your lips reach mine
the feeling which went to my head like old wine

the taste of mint and bitter-sweetness
like the smell of you wafting over me
the pressure of your body on top of me

once it was comforting
it made me strong
then suddenly suffocating

like breath to a flame
you built me higher
then blew me out

yearning

the burning heat in my chest
the feeling of two bodies
inches apart
the strain to eliminate any distance
till you're so close
like atoms colliding
molecules combining

how long until we became an element of our own

unstable and erratic
incredible in concept
but unattainable in context


o for open road

paths that keep winding
sun streams that come in blinding

signs we keep ignoring
pretending not to mind the final destination

just keep making right turns
until our favorite song ends

we couldn't see what was creeping up behind us

i guess that's why they call it a blind-spot


open road

driving so fast it feels like we're racing the sun

driving home
listening to our song alone

learning new ways to get past that old spot
paying attention to every sign
ignoring that song, when it finally comes on

  

u for undoing

unwinding the memories
unreeling the spool of time
the ball of yarn we built up
layers of knotty yellow and red
untying the tether
that kept my heart hanging
when you broke the chain
connecting whats yours to mine

and so i've been wanting to do an open mic
to take that step into my fear of the public
to let others hear the voice i have inside
but will the feedback hurt?
will the reverb bore them?
will the whoosh of my breath on the mic
reflect the lack of air in my lungs
the feeling of eyes glazing over
or worse digging into my skin
will my ear drums crumble
upon the sound of my own words
should i just stay and recite to the birds
at least their mocking sounds like song

a chest that's empty
yet filled with lead

a mind torn so clearly
between the living and dead

the hair on my arms
standing straight in defense

of the words i was not able
to protect against

i spent years pretending
to feel nothing at all

until your eyes met mine
and i began to fall

but here i am pretending
to feel nothing at all

as once again i am reminded
that what comes must also go

is this what it's like?
how they said it would be
the books said it would happen over and over
the papers say it doesn't exist
it looked like it made people hurt
forty of a hundred change their minds
my father said to wait
my mother said to pray
is this what it's like?
my sister said it makes you cry
the voices said it always goes away
i let myself try
is this what it's like
to love
the way it never dies
is this how it hurts?
is the hole in my chest the good kind of empty?
if his voice fills it
over again
will he run out of breath
if his hands heal me
will he be tired of my touch
is this how it is?
to love and not ask to be loved
to love and know you are loved
to find the mess that makes your own beautiful
to take broken bones and build a new self
to bring God back
to bring it all back
is this what it's like?
to love?

hand that holds
tight as the bolts on the bench by the sea
cold waves salt air blizzards and rain
still it sits
pine and steel
bolts fast and strong
so small you almost miss them
they hold me upright
keep me above ground
safe from the cold sand
that invades every inch
shoulder blades that shift and spread like the eagle
seeing through deep dark oceans
the light from above peeking through the waves
waves crash over as they blink
hard to breath
through that frigid air
but oh
when that sweet air comes
how it gives me life
oxygen and serotonin
straight through my veins
arms stretched around
lock me into my sanity
quiet sound
your words as they whisper
the wind takes them through my mind
carries my heart away too
your skin brings it back
quickly
softly
as you are
lips like the flowers
too delicate to touch
to beautiful to ignore
i watch you weather the storms
watch you come back each year
after winter and fall
through each fracture no matter how small
you arrive
you return
you grow and you yearn
for the sun and the rain
for the new from the old

my body has no desire to stand tall
my shoulder slump
i bend farther and farther
stretching down towards the mud
my soul slides down
i sink in the dirt
my hands grasp the ground
my heart continues to pound
without you there is no where to go
my body decays in this soil
weeds will grow
this flower you bred
it is withered but not dead
i cant let go of this hope
as my remains move down
this dark desert *****
this graveyard of bones
dry and cracked
memories wont leave me alone
why do i say goodbye to the ones i love
and chase after comets that have passed by years ago
while the fire is burning
i will carry my heart through
the flame and the hellfire
to get to you
but why when i knock
you always are gone
so i knock
still i call
my fists meet that door
till my knuckles are cracked
and broken and bruised
my eyes bleed hot raindrops of fear
of this emptiness that fills
and this loneliness that kills
in a room filled with people
i only saw you
in a room filled with friends
im a stranger
brand new
im too unpretty
too kind
too bitter and too deep in my own mind
i feel fat with this laziness
unwillingness to grow
i just want to drift away forever
or at least until the snow
freezes over this ground
where those weeds are found
so i never again can grow
so i never again can hope
oh who the hell knows
just hold me again
and then i can go
peacefully ill leave
but your heart i do need
oh your blood i do bleed

you made me
forget
forget
for
all the demons that chased me
you made me whole,
without trying to replace me.
you filled in the gaps without reaching too far.
and cut my soul open.
without leaving a scar.

and the more she looked
the closer she        stood
to the                                  edge
of that                                    cliff
where she'd stay
the army of those who won't look dead in the eye
marched onwards as her confidence continued to decay
like crumbling walls and bro
-ken fences
her mind
those thousands of uneasy neurons
remained present till the last warm soft
                                                     drop
spilled out onto the rocky ground
and every glance in the mirror
took from her a lifetime

and i cant help but wonder
to myself as i hide my eyes behind my scarf
******* past my throat
because im long past strangled by your words
red claw marks taint my wrists, final wound cut by your sharp glances
your eyes capturing my soul
my thoughts lost in this eternal sea
of hopeless falling and rising
just to be knocked
down by the waves of the syllables
flowing from your lips
always hinting at a sad smile
your crooked grin endlessly in this mind
that aches to hear my name spring from your tongue
to see your hands held in fists
hidden beneath this ground
your voice cracking like the sidewalk in spring
your eyes flowing tears like the leaky faucet keeping me up at night
or is it the perpetual notion
that lovers are as common
as salt in the ocean
and true love is nothing but broken
promises and dreams
it's just as it seems
endless and seamless
if nothing is there it cannot be stopped

anarchy
anarchy in my bones*
screaming flesh
red fire in my soul
the waves of anger
roll straight off my back
but the fear
it remains
soaked in blood it flows through my head

for it is with you that i cease to exist
i forget about my tightly clenched fists
curled into your side
my dreaming resides
my darkness shall come to pass
with you i pretend
today is the end
and tomorrow is but an illusion

it is in this infernal darkness
which i find myself in so often
that i ponder the existence of this life in which i wander
meandering from one cavern to the next
nothing but hollow walls
their empty calls
those young callow innocents
they are the ones to be tainted
this world is not forgiving
yet you keep on living
and giving to me this sense of calm
when all this earth is a twisting storm
my mind
it battles
within its self
this daily eternity which i face in the gray
to you i exhort
the peace of the heart
i trap my own in words infertile
growing nothing but barren waste
the words i say are made in haste
you
you are the only taste
which can sanctify these lips of mine
your breath on my neck
the only one which sends shivers down my coiled spin
and at last i find
my ties that bind
are wound around my own hands
i hold the key to my own survival
selfishly i brandish the lies
my forever denial
i have forsaken
all
which i have taken, so much
these pill cannot cure
the disease in this world
maybe they'll stop the pain
yet the only refuge i find
is when hearing you speak my name

i could feel
the winds throughout the desert
but so am i like the changing gusts and tempests  
just as the blossoms once felt their petals fall away
when they wilted old and fragile in the fray
but now the leaves are calling out as they are whisked onward
my wayward miracles of life
and yet still i ponder
my life to wander
through those pebbles of time
for sand is far too fine
though these tears of mine
may be dried like summers sweet wine
on your lips
taken into that callous mouth of yours
which knows only how to spit words out
so vile to be heard
as i sit here yet again, unperturbed
for any emotion in this world
is absurd

and i love (d) you
not the way i want(ed) to
not the way i thought i would
but i do(did)
and jesus **** how it hurt(s)

It's silence, he whispered
between his pounding mind and his aching heart
the world had become so loud
the screaming in his head
the silence is a welcome sound

it's light, she spoke
the darkness before her eyes
unbearably bleak
it's light, she spoke

stillness, you felt
the world spinning, every quake and quell
spiraling you grasped for any chance
still, downward you fell
till it was not death you feared
but life
stillness, you felt

the distance seperating dreams and death
the continuum between the past and the future
broken apart, shattered into pieces
and now there is nothing left to be found

the two, they lie, together
in that vast nothing
feeling something
for the first time
something
inside those shadows
a new thing coming
your eyes have closed
but your life has opened

and god,
most of all i pray
for them,
please stay away
from my heart
I'm through with this
this aching *****
filling with blood
then spilling it  out
so it can poison the rest of my thoughtless body
this red ink
staining the sink
please
just let me be me again
filter out the remnants of you
from this tireless mind
and ceaseless soul