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3.2k · Jun 2015
My Shopping List
Blades and Band-Aids,
Concealers and Pain Relievers,
Sleeping Pills and Abandoned Trills,
Tired Eyes and a Young Sunrise,
Friends That Can Care While I Despair.
Basically.
3.0k · Sep 2015
Play Pretend
**** it up

Put on a smile

Pretend to be you

Pretend there aren't tears threatening to peek through.

let's play [pretend]
2.2k · Jun 2015
Sharp Kisses
Last night, I got kisses.
They weren't sweet kisses,
They weren't soft kisses.

They were sharp kisses,
They were swift kisses.
They were the kind of kisses that leave marks.

They were the kind of kisses that sting.
They were peppering kisses,
They were lightning kisses.

They were biting kisses,
They were a blade's kisses.
They were the kinds of kisses I regret.

They were the kinds of kisses that sting for days.
They were silver kisses,
They turned into red kisses.

They weren't my first kisses,
They weren't my last kisses.
Last night, I got kisses.
to tell the truth, i'm actually really fricking proud of this.
2.0k · Jun 2015
Memory
echoes fading
like words etched
on wet sand
about to be
pelted with
wave
after
wave
of salty water that
cascades like
tears on
pale cheeks
that fall
like raindrops
on dry earth
about to be
****** up and
buried
six
feet
under
Another poem I wrote as a class assignment. I dunno if the teacher was expecting this.
2.0k · Jun 2015
Life Lessons
You get what you get,
So, dear child,
do not fret.
For life is oh so wild!
You never know what you'll win
or lose
in this ongoing gamble.
Another thing I did in English class.
1.9k · Aug 2015
Costume Change
quick!
change your costume
before they discover
what you really are
1.4k · Jan 2016
I'm Just a Hypocrite
I say you need to sleep
When I'm too scared to close my eyes and try

I say you can be strong
When later I fall on the ground, too weak to stand

I tell you everything will be okay
When I can't see past the darkness in my mind to know

I tell you to make sure you're eating three meals a day
When I've skipped 5

I tell you to take care of yourself
When I don't drink water and don't eat and get myself in dangerous situations

I tell you not to give in and to never give up
When I gave in ages ago, and give up on a daily basis

I tell you to keep in mind the fact that you are beautiful and loved
When I constantly feel like I'm just a speck of dirt on your shirt, about to be brushed away

I tell you you don't need to apologize for anything
When I am constantly apologizing to the demons in my mind
I'm just a hypocrite
1.3k · Mar 2016
counting, counting, 123
I remember just a year ago
when I was counting
because there were so few
that I could number them
1.3k · Oct 2015
Two Line Poem
The scars on my wrists are fading.
I hope they don't return.
Pretty self explanatory
1.3k · May 2016
Silly Bird
A bird flew and it's head
Smacked into my window.
It tried again, and again,
As I sit in awe of its blind
Determination..
Silly bird, don't you know
The satisfaction of perhaps
Entering my room isn't
Worth the headache
1.2k · Jan 2016
sorry
I'm sorry I can be bossy and somewhat manipulative
I'm sorry I'm so demanding
I'm sorry I can be so negative
I'm sorry I hurt myself
I'm sorry I've hurt you
I'm sorry I'm such a crybaby, making a such a big deal about nothing
I'm sorry I can't just keep my mouth shut
I'm sorry I'm so bad at helping you
I'm sorry I can't put myslef back together
I'm sorry that you're going through what you are
I'm sorry I can't stay clean
I'm sorry everything is confusing
I'm sorry I can't be strong
I'm sorry I cried myslef to sleep last night
I'm sorry I ran out of tears
I'm sorry I'm so numb and empty
I'm sorry I can't pick myself up and continue on
I'm sorry I'm not skinny enough
I'm sorry I can't do anything right
I'm sorry I'm not perfect
I'm sorry I gave you any idea that I'm worth your time
I'm sorry I wrote this
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm so
             so
                    sorry
I just want to feel something other than fear and numbness
1.2k · Jun 2015
Head Rush
I stand up and feel myself grow
faint
so I just sit there and wait for it to
pass.
But as I sit there, I feel
fainter.
My ability to comprehend and think
vanishes.
I sit, accepting what will happen,
Until
I
*Faint
So sometimes I get head rushes, and they usually make me faint. It can be really scary, because I either faint or just lose consciousness, which I say are two different things because when i "lose consciousness," I move and do something without thinking about it, and without being able to see anything, then I wake up and don't remember what I was doing.
1.1k · Jun 2015
Thank You, Dad.
shattered hopes and broken dreams;
i've really had enough of these.

bring it on!
though, really, i'm just a fawn

so new and struggling to stand,
you should really give me a helping hand.

they help me lots, these words of hate.
they help me to create.

as i sit, i ponder what you said.
and it really gets into my head.

and now i sit here, pen in hand,
and am thankful, now i can stand.

although you didn't help (you hindered)
and though you left me feeling splintered,

i thank you, Dad, for those hurtful things you said.
i thank you, Dad, for the occasional smack on the head.

you've made me strong.
Yeah, thanks dad...
1.1k · Dec 2015
selfish
would it be selfish of me to say
          *i can't help...
     i hurt too much
1000 · Jan 2016
if i had one wish
if i had one wish to be granted,
i'd wish i could go back in time
to when you didn't hurt yourself
so i could offer you a hand
and a word of advice
"don't go down that road
because it's hard to travel
and even harder to go back"
i'm sorry you ever started self harming in the first place and i wish it had never happened
998 · Nov 2015
Threatening
It's threatening to come out
To show itself.
The hate
The pain
The sorrow
The empty
Painting itself in red.
I don't want you to see it,
But if I don't do this right,
You just might
965 · Nov 2015
Strangely Beautiful
Isn't it odd
how beautiful the
image of blood
flowing off your
hand can be?
856 · May 2016
White Lies
Last night you asked
What I was doing.
I didn't lie,
But I didn't tell the
whole truth.
You aked what I was doing. I said I was drawing butterflies. It was more like carving them into my leg
798 · Feb 2016
Plastic
There are the people who see me smile my plastic smile
And don't realize it's fake
Because its all they've ever seen.

There are people who see my plastic smile
And don't realize it's fake
Even though they've witnessed the smiles that reach my eyes.

There are people who see my plastic smile
And know that it's a fake
Because they've seen me when I'm happiest.

There are people who see my plastic smile
And ask if something is wrong
The problem is, I almost always lie.
780 · Dec 2015
Untitled
I fall more in love with you every day
          You can trust me when I say
                    I wouldn't have it any other way
759 · Nov 2015
Numb
I sat on that couch,
Sipping tea that made me gag, too sweet,
Feeling the the small blade in my back pocket,
Weighing me down, pulling me in,
And I cried.

"You're not depressed"
How would you know how I feel?
"Just a hormone imbalance"
You're not a doctor... I've only said a sentence.
I only said Four Words
I
Think
I'm
Depressed

You don't know the numbness drawing me in
You don't know how I can't feel my wrists
You don't know I'm almost constantly nauseous
You don't know how I wake up in the middle of the night crying
You don't know how I shake uncontrollably in fear when I think
You don't know how I can't look in the mirror without hating what I see
You don't know how I scream into my pillow, scared of myself and terrified of everything else

You just don't know.

How can you?
I went to a therapist I've seen since I was in 8th grade because of my homework, but I honest with her for the first time
750 · Aug 2015
(Not) Strong
you say that i'm strong
but you're wrong

you say i'm stronger than you
but i have given in one too
many times

i am weak
you are strong

i see you as strong
i see myself as weak

you see me as strong
you see yourself as weak
for a friend
706 · Feb 2016
make a million out of three
if only i had but three wishes,
for i would give up a million of them
to see you be truly and utterly happy for a day
Darling please don't leave my side,
For night is drawing near,
And I've nowhere to hide.

My demons are coming out to play.

They come out slowly, one by one,
And play until the rising sun.
You see, they dance, dance, dance,
Leaving me in a morbid trance.
You see, they sing, sing, sing,
Until I lose control of my breathing.

They push, push, push.
And they shove, shove, shove,
And they scream, scream, scream,
Until they get bored and leave.

They come again with blades
And soothing words
"This will help"
"It'll all be over soon"
Then they cut, cut, cut
Until they've had enough.
Then they kiss away my tears
And say "sleep tight"
"We'll be back tomorrow night"
684 · Jan 2016
it will get better
"Why does life hurt so badly?" you asked.
And I needed a while to think before I answered...

Because you can't be cheered up until you've been sad
you can't be healed until you've been hurt
you can't wipe the tears away before you cry them
you can't rise until you've fallen
you can't learn until you make mistakes
and you can't have good without the bad.

And it's going to hurt,
But it will get better.
*It will always get better
i was talking to my girlfriend last night when she asked me that, so this was my reply
673 · Sep 2015
Alone
I can't sleep
          I'm [alone]
I can't do this
          No one is [here]
I am a mistake
          I don't [matter]
I'm unnecessary
         No one really [needs me]
They don't care
         They're just going to [abandon me] anyways
Why trick myself?
          [I don't matter]
I don't know what's with the brackets... meh.
I've been looking in the mirror recently.
I'm not sure I like what I see.
These big eyebrows? Yes.
That mole? Yes.
Brown eyes? Glasses? Yes.
Mine, mine, me.
But I swear there's something different in that mirror
That I just can't see.
That thing in my reflection?
It's really not me.
I've been confused about my gender recently
625 · Oct 2015
Addict
I'm an addict,
And I'm addicted to you.
You, my anti-depressant.
You, my painkiller.
And I'm addicted to you.
594 · Jan 2016
the effect you have on me
When you speak I can't get your voice out of my head.
When you smile my heart skips a beat.
When you laugh my world lights up in brilliant shades and hues.
When you touch me the feeling lingers.
When you kiss me I still feel your lips on mine, even when you pull away.
When you pull me into your arms, I finally feel safe.
555 · Jun 2015
Untitled
weight
          breathless
      lungs
  air
gasp
     suffering
                 tears
    thirty one
scars
       cuts
             wounds
         dad
yelling
          fights
    cries
          survival
                      apocalypse
           suicide
      cuts
           blades
scissors
           knives
                     dying
                             sleeping
                      tired
              quiet
        ­      s
             i
            l
           e
          n
         c
        e
Basically my train of thought. We had to do this kind of poem in English class, but I lied and just thought of random words that I saw.
522 · Feb 2016
What I Never Say
I'm sorry.
I just can't right now.
I can't sit back and pretend any more.
I'm not going to pretend to be happy for you.
And I'm sorry.
Because this means I can't talk to you,
At least for right now.
You're being too cheery
And I can't take it.
So I'll have to go for now,
But maybe I'll come crawling back to you at midnight,
Dried salty tears and blood staining my skin
As I beg for you to forgive me.
I'm sorry,
I just can't right now.
501 · Sep 2015
i wish
i wish i could tell you how much i love you
i wish i could put it into words on a page
or into a single kiss
i wish you could see how much you mean to me
i wish i could paint you a picture
with all my love
i wish you knew how much you mean to me
for my girlfriend
464 · May 2016
Tried
I was bored
I was broken
So I tried what
You said works.
Numb your skin
With ice so it doesn't
Hurt when you cut yourself


My heart was a bird trying to
Escape my aching ribs and
I shook like a dead leaf
As I pressed the blade
To my skin, and it
Was so numb
It scared
Me
So
B
A
D
.
.
How could you ever bring yourself
To do that in the first place?
I'm just scared of cutting too deeply and leaving too bad of a scar. You just want to see blood. I want everything that comes with the touch of a blade. I hate when I can't feel something because it reminds me of being internally numb and it's terrifying
"I'm bored"
Please tell me what to do so I won't hurt myslef
Please keep me happy because my demons are coming
Please distract me from myself
Please help hide me from my thoughts
Please just help me
450 · Mar 2016
{12:30 a.m.}
I promised you I'd sleep
But instead I'm holding back screams

I promised you I'd be okay
But I've fallen harder than I have in two months

I promised you I'd stay clean
And sweetheart, I'm trying
I'm trying so ******* hard but I don't think I'll make it through the night without something to show for it. I'm sorry
439 · Jan 2016
Dream
last night I dreamt I held your hand in mine,
but when I woke my hand was empty.
it hasn't felt the same all day
It was 2 am and we were exhausted,
Our bodies pressed together.
But neither of us wanted to close our eyes
For fear of the distance that would come with the rising sun
417 · Feb 2016
dancing in the rain
spinning with arms held aloft
delicately dancing and laughing.
the rain falling down, down, down,
a laugh ringing out to fill the silence.
a blissful moment of absolute freedom,
and timid joy,
as i dance in the rain
to a song only i can hear.
just a moment in between classes at school. it was raining and the parking lot was empty so i danced to the music in my head.
rough ribbons chafing already irritated skin,
sleeves made just long enough to hide what i don't want you to see
403 · Jun 2015
Take Me Away
Take me away

so that for one day,

just one day

everything will be okay.

Please... Take me away.
Just something I cooked up when I was bored.
400 · Mar 2016
Midnight, exactly
Your shirt is my pillowcase
As I stare at the ceiling
In hopes that sleep will take me in her embrace
And if she happens to be in a fowl mood
I will have you there to protect me from the demons she throws at me
400 · Jul 2016
Promise?
Silly, really.
Seven letters on a screen
Shouldn't mean so much to me.


Promise?
395 · Jan 2016
What I Say vs What I Mean
"I'm okay"
I'm gritting my teeth to keep myself from crying.
I'm curled up on the floor with a blade in my hand.
I'm numb and sick of it.
I'm too tired because I didn't get enough sleep last night.
I'm thinking about isolating myself from everyone.
I've been avoiding my friends at school.
I fell like I'm going to *****.
I'm so hungry because I skipped 5 meals.
I'm not okay.
388 · Mar 2016
[5:51 a.m.]
I woke up with a thirst for blood

                  I woke up wanting to see that flash of silver

Followed by the beading red

                  I woke up with a thirst for my blood

If I give in I'll hurt you

                   I'm sorry I hurt you
387 · Feb 2016
do i really have to?
do i really have to try
do i really have to lie

do i really have to stand
do i really have to try to be grand

do i really have to live
do i really have to give

do i really have to die
do i really have to say good-bye

...

yes

...

i really have to try
i don't have to lie

i have to stand
i have the chance to be grand

i can really live
i finally get to give

i have to eventually die
but i don't have to say good-bye

at least not just yet
the two sides of my personality. they take turns taking over, sometimes they go back-and-forth throughout the day, and sometimes they stay in control for weeks at a time
385 · Mar 2016
a cycle
It's just a cycle, a routine,
I get to his house and he starts to yell.
He shouts and he calls me names
As my tears burn my cheeks.
He taunts me for letting myself be bullied in the 4th grade
He insults my mother for going through 2 boyfriends in 10 years
He leaves the room and gets high
And comes back later as angry as ever.
He yells some more,
Threatens to hit me,
Sometimes he does.
Then he leaves and comes back later
All happy and bubbly and sweet.
He apologizes and I accept, although I know I shouldn't.
I know I should stand up
I know I should take charge
I know I should put my foot down,
Say "enough is enough" and call my mom,
But a part of me chooses not to
A part of me feels guilty
A part of me feels bad for even considering leaving.
I know he can't help it, he snaps so easily.
Let me tell you,
Living with a drunk bipolar man with anger issues when he smokes ***
Is utter hell sometimes
my dad has been emotionally and verbally abusive but i've been too scared to leave and go to my mom's more because he tends to guilt-trip people
378 · Jan 2016
Untitled
I like the feeling of control I get
When I cut in a straight line down my arm.
Never deep enough to ****,
Only seep enough to bleed
373 · Oct 2015
Untitled
Chaste kisses
Behind their backs.

A wild attempt
To be alone together.

Grabbing your hand
As we walk out to our safe place.

Finding solace
In each other's company.

A constant reminder:
You are loved. You are strong.

Sad smiles faintly spread
Across tired faces.

And the purest of smiles
Perfectly poised like a dancer

As words shake themselves free
Of our lips and tongues.

Pure happiness
That comes and goes

Like the tide.
I love you
About my girlfriend and I. We haven't told our parents that we are bi, and I am never telling my dad that I'm genderfluid or bi, but I trust my mom. I'm only telling her when we're both ready. I'm only scared of not being able to see my pancake (my girlfriend).
368 · Jan 2016
lies
i hate working in customer service
because of how many times a day i have to lie
and i hate lying
how are you?
"I'm good"
364 · Dec 2015
My New Method
More convenient than a blade
And the mark isn't lasting
No scars are left
When my fist comes in contact
With my thigh
It isn't as satisfying in the moment though... oh well
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