More convenient than a blade
And the mark isn't lasting
No scars are left
When my fist comes in contact
With my thigh

It's a whimper
It's a pain
    In my stomach
     In my brain
It's a lung full of air
I don't want to breathe.
Watch, Watch. See what it does to me
It's a drumbeat (not my heart)
Tap-tap-tapped out on my thigh
Eyes glazed and staring
Fixed, unblinking, into space
Hands shaking unable to
Stay still
Teeth digging into chapped lips
Hoping to peel the skin
Nails leaving crescent marks on
Palms on
Arms on
Face on
Neck
Teeth grinding to
Cover the noise
The yelling
The crying cover your ears and it doesn't help
Brain overloaded woth
Facts and thoughts and
Memories: themoonshiningbrightasthesunhandsbleachedwhiteundertheglareasyous­truggletospeaktoformwordsorcoherentthoughtsuntilyoucan finally breathe again
Deep breaths calm down
Bucket-fulls of air burning your lungs
Eyes rolling in their sockets
Blinking away tears
The mind goes blank
Wake up wake up wakeupwakeupwakeup
Wake up to
Patterns decorating
Your naked body
Marked with old scars and
Fresh blood
And you are finally calm

I want to tell you something,
But I don't know how
So I'll just say it here:

I forgot there were butterflies on my wrist
Until it was too late

I ran out of tears to cry
So I cried my blood

Can we forget
Last night ever
Happened?

I don't want to
Feel it anymore.

I don't want to
Feel anything
Anymore

The blood is barely dry,
The blood is barely dry.
My arm is cut
And swollen pink
The blood is barely dry.

The blood is barely dry,
The blood is barely dry.
I draw a line
Right down my arm
The blood is barely dry.

You helped me
You held me
You listened to me
You healed me
You let me know
I'm not okay
But that's okay
No one is.

I got blood on your flannel,
It's seeping through my pants
And it's on my phone screen
I hope I stop bleeding soon
Before people can see it.
I don't want them to know
What I've been doing in the bathroom stall here at school.
I don't want you to know either.
I'm sorry

I want to cut myself
Away from everything.
Out of people's lives.
They won't notice;
They never do.

I'm so so scared
I'm so so afraid
I'm scared of failing
I'm scared of losing the ones I love
I'm scared of dying
I'm scared of being left behind
I'm scared of my knife
I'm scared of my life
But I'm terrified of myself
Of my mind
Of what happens when I listen to my voices
Of what happens when I'm left alone
Of what happens when I can't control my mind
Or my body
Or when I have a fit

"my thoughts have aligned themselves as poetry"

*doesn't that make them even more beautiful?

i beat the **** out of my leg and try not to limp
i run a pen along my skin until it hurts
i dig my fingernails into my neck in the middle of class
i go into the bathroom and hope no one hears as i make myself bleed

I'm in an abusive relationship
With myself

i'm only trying for you.
i didn't want to stop
but you asked me to,
so i'm trying for you.

The world is moving too fast.
"Wait! Please! Just wait..."

will you hold me in your arms forever?
will you keep me safe through the darkest of my nights?
will you catch me when i fall?
will you help me stay alive?
will you stay with me when i need you the most?
will you kiss my wounds in hopes to make them better?
will you let me cry on your shoulder if i need to?
will you put up with my insanity?
will you be the light guiding me to safety?
will you be strong with me?

you don't have to,

but even if you don't do this for me,
i'll do it for you.

It* feels like a weight
on my chest
It feels like a pressure
on my brain
It feels like a lack
of oxygen
It feels like a knife
digging between my ribs
It feels like a hand
clenching my stomach
It feels like an aching
throughout my body
It feels like a vice
compressing my lungs.

but the thing is, i don't know what
It is.

You* are the *air I breathe,
You are the earth upon which I walk,
You are the light pushing back the darkness.

*You are the one I love,
The one I need,
The one I live for