Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
 
I promised you I'd sleep
But instead I'm holding back screams

I promised you I'd be okay
But I've fallen harder than I have in two months

I promised you I'd stay clean
And sweetheart, I'm trying
I'm trying so ******* hard but I don't think I'll make it through the night without something to show for it. I'm sorry
I woke up with a thirst for blood

                  I woke up wanting to see that flash of silver

Followed by the beading red

                  I woke up with a thirst for my blood

If I give in I'll hurt you

                   I'm sorry I hurt you
I want to tell you something,
But I don't know how
So I'll just say it here:

I forgot there were butterflies on my wrist
Until it was too late
I guess I technically broke my clean again. I just scratched myself a lot with a safety pin. That was only because I didn't have a screwdriver to take apart my pencil sharpener and also my bowie knife was across the room from me
It's just a cycle, a routine,
I get to his house and he starts to yell.
He shouts and he calls me names
As my tears burn my cheeks.
He taunts me for letting myself be bullied in the 4th grade
He insults my mother for going through 2 boyfriends in 10 years
He leaves the room and gets high
And comes back later as angry as ever.
He yells some more,
Threatens to hit me,
Sometimes he does.
Then he leaves and comes back later
All happy and bubbly and sweet.
He apologizes and I accept, although I know I shouldn't.
I know I should stand up
I know I should take charge
I know I should put my foot down,
Say "enough is enough" and call my mom,
But a part of me chooses not to
A part of me feels guilty
A part of me feels bad for even considering leaving.
I know he can't help it, he snaps so easily.
Let me tell you,
Living with a drunk bipolar man with anger issues when he smokes ***
Is utter hell sometimes
my dad has been emotionally and verbally abusive but i've been too scared to leave and go to my mom's more because he tends to guilt-trip people
I'm an addict,
And I'm addicted to you.
You, my anti-depressant.
You, my painkiller.
And I'm addicted to you.
I'm so so scared
I'm so so afraid
I'm scared of failing
I'm scared of losing the ones I love
I'm scared of dying
I'm scared of being left behind
I'm scared of my knife
I'm scared of my life
But I'm terrified of myself
Of my mind
Of what happens when I listen to my voices
Of what happens when I'm left alone
Of what happens when I can't control my mind
Or my body
Or when I have a fit
Just what I'm scared of. No one really knows (including me) what happens when I have fits. I don't remember what I do or say and I can't think clearly. It's so scary
I can't sleep
          I'm [alone]
I can't do this
          No one is [here]
I am a mistake
          I don't [matter]
I'm unnecessary
         No one really [needs me]
They don't care
         They're just going to [abandon me] anyways
Why trick myself?
          [I don't matter]
I don't know what's with the brackets... meh.
quick!
change your costume
before they discover
what you really are
I remember just a year ago
when I was counting
because there were so few
that I could number them
spinning with arms held aloft
delicately dancing and laughing.
the rain falling down, down, down,
a laugh ringing out to fill the silence.
a blissful moment of absolute freedom,
and timid joy,
as i dance in the rain
to a song only i can hear.
just a moment in between classes at school. it was raining and the parking lot was empty so i danced to the music in my head.
Deep breaths
I n  y o u r  n o s e
O u t  y o u r  m o u t h
Count to 10
And over again.
Settle your nerves,
Set up barriers,
And fall into welcoming numbness
do i really have to try
do i really have to lie

do i really have to stand
do i really have to try to be grand

do i really have to live
do i really have to give

do i really have to die
do i really have to say good-bye

...

yes

...

i really have to try
i don't have to lie

i have to stand
i have the chance to be grand

i can really live
i finally get to give

i have to eventually die
but i don't have to say good-bye

at least not just yet
the two sides of my personality. they take turns taking over, sometimes they go back-and-forth throughout the day, and sometimes they stay in control for weeks at a time
last night I dreamt I held your hand in mine,
but when I woke my hand was empty.
it hasn't felt the same all day
i'm only trying for you.
i didn't want to stop
but you asked me to,
so i'm trying for you.
I stand up and feel myself grow
faint
so I just sit there and wait for it to
pass.
But as I sit there, I feel
fainter.
My ability to comprehend and think
vanishes.
I sit, accepting what will happen,
Until
I
*Faint
So sometimes I get head rushes, and they usually make me faint. It can be really scary, because I either faint or just lose consciousness, which I say are two different things because when i "lose consciousness," I move and do something without thinking about it, and without being able to see anything, then I wake up and don't remember what I was doing.
if i had one wish to be granted,
i'd wish i could go back in time
to when you didn't hurt yourself
so i could offer you a hand
and a word of advice
"don't go down that road
because it's hard to travel
and even harder to go back"
i'm sorry you ever started self harming in the first place and i wish it had never happened
I say you need to sleep
When I'm too scared to close my eyes and try

I say you can be strong
When later I fall on the ground, too weak to stand

I tell you everything will be okay
When I can't see past the darkness in my mind to know

I tell you to make sure you're eating three meals a day
When I've skipped 5

I tell you to take care of yourself
When I don't drink water and don't eat and get myself in dangerous situations

I tell you not to give in and to never give up
When I gave in ages ago, and give up on a daily basis

I tell you to keep in mind the fact that you are beautiful and loved
When I constantly feel like I'm just a speck of dirt on your shirt, about to be brushed away

I tell you you don't need to apologize for anything
When I am constantly apologizing to the demons in my mind
I'm just a hypocrite
It
It
It* feels like a weight
on my chest
It feels like a pressure
on my brain
It feels like a lack
of oxygen
It feels like a knife
digging between my ribs
It feels like a hand
clenching my stomach
It feels like an aching
throughout my body
It feels like a vice
compressing my lungs.

but the thing is, i don't know what
It is.
I really don't know what it is.
"Why does life hurt so badly?" you asked.
And I needed a while to think before I answered...

Because you can't be cheered up until you've been sad
you can't be healed until you've been hurt
you can't wipe the tears away before you cry them
you can't rise until you've fallen
you can't learn until you make mistakes
and you can't have good without the bad.

And it's going to hurt,
But it will get better.
*It will always get better
i was talking to my girlfriend last night when she asked me that, so this was my reply
I've been looking in the mirror recently.
I'm not sure I like what I see.
These big eyebrows? Yes.
That mole? Yes.
Brown eyes? Glasses? Yes.
Mine, mine, me.
But I swear there's something different in that mirror
That I just can't see.
That thing in my reflection?
It's really not me.
I've been confused about my gender recently
How do you tell the one you love most of all
That you've failed?
i wish i could tell you how much i love you
i wish i could put it into words on a page
or into a single kiss
i wish you could see how much you mean to me
i wish i could paint you a picture
with all my love
i wish you knew how much you mean to me
for my girlfriend
i hate working in customer service
because of how many times a day i have to lie
and i hate lying
how are you?
"I'm good"
You get what you get,
So, dear child,
do not fret.
For life is oh so wild!
You never know what you'll win
or lose
in this ongoing gamble.
Another thing I did in English class.
if only i had but three wishes,
for i would give up a million of them
to see you be truly and utterly happy for a day
echoes fading
like words etched
on wet sand
about to be
pelted with
wave
after
wave
of salty water that
cascades like
tears on
pale cheeks
that fall
like raindrops
on dry earth
about to be
****** up and
buried
six
feet
under
Another poem I wrote as a class assignment. I dunno if the teacher was expecting this.
Your shirt is my pillowcase
As I stare at the ceiling
In hopes that sleep will take me in her embrace
And if she happens to be in a fowl mood
I will have you there to protect me from the demons she throws at me
Darling please don't leave my side,
For night is drawing near,
And I've nowhere to hide.

My demons are coming out to play.

They come out slowly, one by one,
And play until the rising sun.
You see, they dance, dance, dance,
Leaving me in a morbid trance.
You see, they sing, sing, sing,
Until I lose control of my breathing.

They push, push, push.
And they shove, shove, shove,
And they scream, scream, scream,
Until they get bored and leave.

They come again with blades
And soothing words
"This will help"
"It'll all be over soon"
Then they cut, cut, cut
Until they've had enough.
Then they kiss away my tears
And say "sleep tight"
"We'll be back tomorrow night"
The blood is barely dry,
The blood is barely dry.
My arm is cut
And swollen pink
The blood is barely dry.

The blood is barely dry,
The blood is barely dry.
I draw a line
Right down my arm
The blood is barely dry.
More convenient than a blade
And the mark isn't lasting
No scars are left
When my fist comes in contact
With my thigh
It isn't as satisfying in the moment though... oh well
Blades and Band-Aids,
Concealers and Pain Relievers,
Sleeping Pills and Abandoned Trills,
Tired Eyes and a Young Sunrise,
Friends That Can Care While I Despair.
Basically.
you say that i'm strong
but you're wrong

you say i'm stronger than you
but i have given in one too
many times

i am weak
you are strong

i see you as strong
i see myself as weak

you see me as strong
you see yourself as weak
for a friend
I've missed you, old friend.
I thought I had lost you forever,
And I didn't know what to do.
But now I have found you once more,
And we'll carve beautiful poetry
Without any words.
I sat on that couch,
Sipping tea that made me gag, too sweet,
Feeling the the small blade in my back pocket,
Weighing me down, pulling me in,
And I cried.

"You're not depressed"
How would you know how I feel?
"Just a hormone imbalance"
You're not a doctor... I've only said a sentence.
I only said Four Words
I
Think
I'm
Depressed

You don't know the numbness drawing me in
You don't know how I can't feel my wrists
You don't know I'm almost constantly nauseous
You don't know how I wake up in the middle of the night crying
You don't know how I shake uncontrollably in fear when I think
You don't know how I can't look in the mirror without hating what I see
You don't know how I scream into my pillow, scared of myself and terrified of everything else

You just don't know.

How can you?
I went to a therapist I've seen since I was in 8th grade because of my homework, but I honest with her for the first time
i'm so used to looking down that it hurts to look up
there is one place
where i feel safe.

there is one place
where i can feel comfortable in my own skin.

there is one place
where i can comfortably expose my scars.

there is one place
where i can be myself.

there is one place
where i can feel needed.

there is one place
where i can be free.

there is one place
where i can forget my troubles.

there is one place
where i can finally feel sane.

there is one place
where i can stop feeling so alone.

there is one place
where i can stop feeling numb.

there is one place
where i can feel my sadness melt away.

there is one place,
and one place only.
can you guess where it is?
There are the people who see me smile my plastic smile
And don't realize it's fake
Because its all they've ever seen.

There are people who see my plastic smile
And don't realize it's fake
Even though they've witnessed the smiles that reach my eyes.

There are people who see my plastic smile
And know that it's a fake
Because they've seen me when I'm happiest.

There are people who see my plastic smile
And ask if something is wrong
The problem is, I almost always lie.
**** it up

Put on a smile

Pretend to be you

Pretend there aren't tears threatening to peek through.

let's play [pretend]
Silly, really.
Seven letters on a screen
Shouldn't mean so much to me.


Promise?
would it be selfish of me to say
          *i can't help...
     i hurt too much
Last night, I got kisses.
They weren't sweet kisses,
They weren't soft kisses.

They were sharp kisses,
They were swift kisses.
They were the kind of kisses that leave marks.

They were the kind of kisses that sting.
They were peppering kisses,
They were lightning kisses.

They were biting kisses,
They were a blade's kisses.
They were the kinds of kisses I regret.

They were the kinds of kisses that sting for days.
They were silver kisses,
They turned into red kisses.

They weren't my first kisses,
They weren't my last kisses.
Last night, I got kisses.
to tell the truth, i'm actually really fricking proud of this.
A bird flew and it's head
Smacked into my window.
It tried again, and again,
As I sit in awe of its blind
Determination..
Silly bird, don't you know
The satisfaction of perhaps
Entering my room isn't
Worth the headache
I'm sorry I can be bossy and somewhat manipulative
I'm sorry I'm so demanding
I'm sorry I can be so negative
I'm sorry I hurt myself
I'm sorry I've hurt you
I'm sorry I'm such a crybaby, making a such a big deal about nothing
I'm sorry I can't just keep my mouth shut
I'm sorry I'm so bad at helping you
I'm sorry I can't put myslef back together
I'm sorry that you're going through what you are
I'm sorry I can't stay clean
I'm sorry everything is confusing
I'm sorry I can't be strong
I'm sorry I cried myslef to sleep last night
I'm sorry I ran out of tears
I'm sorry I'm so numb and empty
I'm sorry I can't pick myself up and continue on
I'm sorry I'm not skinny enough
I'm sorry I can't do anything right
I'm sorry I'm not perfect
I'm sorry I gave you any idea that I'm worth your time
I'm sorry I wrote this
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm so
             so
                    sorry
I just want to feel something other than fear and numbness
Isn't it odd
how beautiful the
image of blood
flowing off your
hand can be?
Take me away

so that for one day,

just one day

everything will be okay.

Please... Take me away.
Just something I cooked up when I was bored.
The world is moving too fast.
"Wait! Please! Just wait..."
You helped me
You held me
You listened to me
You healed me
You let me know
I'm not okay
But that's okay
No one is.
For all my friends who are there for me. I love you all.
shattered hopes and broken dreams;
i've really had enough of these.

bring it on!
though, really, i'm just a fawn

so new and struggling to stand,
you should really give me a helping hand.

they help me lots, these words of hate.
they help me to create.

as i sit, i ponder what you said.
and it really gets into my head.

and now i sit here, pen in hand,
and am thankful, now i can stand.

although you didn't help (you hindered)
and though you left me feeling splintered,

i thank you, Dad, for those hurtful things you said.
i thank you, Dad, for the occasional smack on the head.

you've made me strong.
Yeah, thanks dad...
When you speak I can't get your voice out of my head.
When you smile my heart skips a beat.
When you laugh my world lights up in brilliant shades and hues.
When you touch me the feeling lingers.
When you kiss me I still feel your lips on mine, even when you pull away.
When you pull me into your arms, I finally feel safe.
I thought each breath would be his last
As we stared in silent apprehension,
Willing the tears to leave
As his breaths grew more and more shallow
And further and further apart
Until I stroked his mangy coat for one last time
And he released his last strangled breath.
*Is this what it's like to die?
Bye Whitey Ford, it was nice knowing you and I hope you're suffering has ended
Next page