Can you love someone who can't see past you?

Past your defenses
your troubles
your stress
your tears
your smiles

Can you love someone who can't see inside of you?

The churning your stomach
the missed beats of your hearts
the heat between your legs
the cancerous tumors that life has put in you

Can you love someone who can't heal you?

There's a moment
where you wish
you could just press rewind

It was just five seconds ago that you said that
It was just a minute ago when you dropped that

and you can remember it in your hands
or the words trapped behind your teeth
and you would give anything to just try and fix it

just a moment ago you could have turned the wheel

just a second ago you could have just fallen the **** asleep and let it alone

but no

you took the plunge and there's no rewind
there's no going back
and the past is the past

You make me think of my children
will they be cared for
the way you cared for me?

Will they feel like their house is a home?
Will they yearn for attention like I did?
Will they grow up unable to process their own emotions like me?

Will they have a father who can see past his own wants?

Will you be there for them?

I've been crying for the past half hour
because I started reading about those who were declared dead
and how they felt peace
and nothing else

Maybe it will happen when I'm older
but I don't want peace
I want to continue to be in a constant state of love
with you
I want our craziness and joy and sadness
to continue on for eternity

I can't imagine a world without it

I'm afraid of many things
the dark
ghosts
tight spaces
and even inch worms

But I never feared falling
in love
down the stairs
into the basin of a crater
or down a huge mountain

I believe in reincarnation
that we have many lives after this one
and many lives before this

And if I were to have a life before this one
I believe that I used to be a bird

One that jumped off cliffs
spreading her wings
and taking flight

I feel the urge to do this quite often
To jump
and spread my wings
flying off into space
or to a new home

constantly flying

but never consistent

The river
hot and still
sits lazily at the banks

One foot in
and sinks into the mud

Ripples echo off of my ankle
and minerals solidify on my calf

Another step
and the water crawls up my thigh

The muddy waters reach my waist
and I sink
and I pray

The contents of the river are unknown
and I give all of myself to it

The sun burns my *******
my voice is raw
and my eyes are red

This is my worst form
and the river swallows me hole

I am weak
And when they ask me
What has made you this way?
I will only whisper your name

Your smiles
Laughs
Eyes
And arms
Have made me weak

I long to hold your hand within mine
And to caress your hair under my fingertips
To see your smile brilliantly flash in my direction
And to feel your breath intertwine with me
Our hearts beating in synchronization

You have made me weak

I used to stand strong
On my own
Indestructible

I left you
In an act of defiance against my own heart
To prove to my own self
That I would not be a fool again
I would heed the warnings
And listen

But
I am broken

The hand that would hold yours
Aches painfully

My fingertips bleed
With my carelessness

My smile has disappeared

My breath is stuck in my throat
Choking on words I want to say

My heart is shattered
By my own hand
That wields a dagger
Carved from my own bone

Every ounce of strength I possess
Is used to stay away from you

You have taken so much from me
My happiness
My strength
My appetite
My peace
My future
My soul

I walk around my own home like a ghost
Haunting the walls
A shell of the woman I used to be
Only occupied by a pathetic creature

One that only takes up space
One that only ignores what is painfully obvious
And one that can’t seem to let you go

What am I doing?
Why can’t I let you go?

My hair is falling out
My skin is losing its color
My smile is losing its brilliance
My laughter is forced

Why have you made me this way?

I need you
And you have made me too weak to get you

A single moment in time is significant enough to change a person
their entire universe
until it revolves around a single entity

With a gravitational pull so strong
and vibrant
it is impossible to not get ****** in

And it always starts
with a
*Hello

He grabbed my hair
and shoved his **** inside
and I cried
and when he asked if he should stop
I shook my head
because I knew if I told him to stop
he would only get angry and frustrated
so instead I laid there
and cried

and he would say
"Your crying almost makes me want to stop"

i hate you
not because you did anything wrong
but because
it hurts too much to love you

and that line between
love and hate
is so fine

I should have left Him where I found Him

I should have let Him be

I know me
better than anyone else
I know what I'm capable of

My heart is not as fragile as I once thought
but His

His heart is bandaged
and broken
full of scars
hoping for the right person to care for it

and it was not I
but I took it anyways
and used it for my own pleasures

He was going to give me the world
and I?

I only gave him two syllables

Sorry

I'm going to break your heart
shred it to pieces
and leave only ribbons

and I hate myself because of it
but I can't change how I feel
I can't even pretend anymore

I don't need a hero
or a protector
or some to catch me

But you're there for me anyways

grabbing my hand when I slip

and kissing my lips when I'm sick

stop please
because no matter how many times you promise
one day you will be gone
and I will have forgotten how to help myself

You* saw a flower proudly thriving
sitting so beautifully on its shrub
and You picked it
because You lusted for it
so You took it

kept it in a vase
enjoyed the waxy texture of its petals
admired its vibrant colors
savored the floral scent

but as soon as it wilted
You threw it away
like it meant nothing to You

and replaced it with something new
because that's how You treat flowers

*right?

A diamond in the rough
hasn't been a diamond for long

From the core
it has been forged in the hottest fires

molded and melted
and hardened

forcing itself through the densest
praying for the chance to make it out alive

to be able to shine brightly in the sun

and through it all
it was plucked from its cave

stripped of its shell
polished and made new

Exposed and vulnerable

Don't break it

I always want to run

Like a swan
floating so gently through the water
wading through the ripples
but at the first sign of trouble
it leaps from the cool iridescent pool
wings flapping heavily
flying away as fast as it can

I ran away from friendships
hardships
relationships
from my home
my family

I convinced myself
that I was brave
a lioness
ready to fight at the sight of any trouble

but I know myself
I run

Like a child
I leave a note
or say a short farewell
and I run
as fast as I can move
and as far as my legs can carry me

And with you
I wanted to run
Every pore in my body
on fire
wanting to run
anxiety coursing through my veins

I wanted to run

And yet I stayed
grounded
and after a moment passed
I just wanted to be closer

You are strong
and hold a power inside of you
so pure and bright
that it pierces through the pain
and sorrow

and it isn't pure
because it is untainted
it is pure because it has fought
through the darkness
and survived

There's that boy
who you know your parents
would absolutely love
cute smile
great hair
athletic
tall
and treats you so sweetly

We could spend dinner
having polite conversation
telling cute stories
discussing global issues
and everything would be fine

but I'm not looking for fine

Today
I took a break
from
hating myself

My body works so hard

it gets me up every morning
so that I may learn

and it continues throughout the day
despite the exhaustion that plagues my mind

and when I work
it keeps up the pace

in the mirror
it sags
has uneven shapes
and lumps

and often I find myself
wishing to have a more appealing figure

but I cry for my body
because it works so hard for me

and I do not appreciate
its perfection.

The wall
mighty and strong
made of
steel
concrete
wood
sticks
mud
dirt
sand
it stands
ready to fall
to break apart
and tear
behind it is the ocean
that will sweep away the worries
and fears
but the wall stands
trying to contain
the threatening tsunami
and I am but a humble
observer
parched in the desert
dying for a drop of water

I just need
*to let go

Burnt bridges and smeared edges
have gathered around
a pile of ashes
what was once a burning pyre
has left me tired
and I no longer feel the effects
of your once longing defects
Please escort yourself out
I'll hold open the door

strewn webs of light
   coalesce under a commonality
they tell stories of the ones
that their light has fallen unto
   couples in estranged relationships
   children envious of one another
   communities screaming in outrage
and light wonders
why do humans fall
under their revealing gaze

but darkness grins
blanketing the layers of
secrecy
deceit
lies
giving temporary shelter to the
hatred
sadness
jealousy

it is in the twilight
where darkness conceals
but light gives hope
where
lovers meet
children cheer
communities reform

and it is in the inbetween
where I met him

my eyes burned from the light
and my heart haunted by the darkness

inbetween
love and hate
secrets and truth
I found him

and it is in this twilight
that I hope our love can stay

I fear that it will not survive the
judgmental eyes of light
or the suffocating embrace of darkness

*and while I am scared
and I can feel his palm shaking under mine
I know that even if I am
burned again
or
smothered to death
it will have been worth it all
to at least have tasted such a love
that I thought was
only written
in fairy tales

A warmth
that spreads over each limb

so lovingly
relaxing each muscle tenderly

a smile that spreads from ear to ear

rosy cheeks
and loose lips

its the perfect concoction for
a disaster

and yet I have never felt like this
without alcohol

The universe's ever pulling
gravity
collapsing on itself
yet spiraling outward
into the unknown
continuously creating itself
without stopping
as new planets
asteroids
comets
emerge
it is
easy to see how
insignificant our problems are
and how important it is to make every moment count
because if none of it matters
then we should take chance
take a chance on us
and give it a shot

7 billion people exist
and among those 7 billion
we are all unique

whether it be a freckle
a crooked smile
or just a slightly different hair color

and with this knowledge
my mind screams
that I will probably find someone just like you
that acts and talks like you
perhaps better

but why should I fix what isn't broken

I could try and find someone better
but why should I?
I don't want to
I have you

I want you

Have I lost myself
or have I kept me hidden?

Am I protecting the girl who is afraid to be hurt
or the girl who has taken the biggest beating?

She screams back at me in the mirror,
demanding redemption for her soul.

She wants to be honored,
to be shown,
to be convinced.

She wants to know if all this waiting is worth it,
I want more than anything to prove it to her.

I want to be strong for her,
she deserves it,
she deserves more than I could ever do for her.

I stand in the hot sun,
my feet baking on the cracks of sandstone.

The oceans have dried out,
the wind has ceased,
I'm only left with the memories of who I once was.

Her cage lays here.

Its bars covered in thorns and nails,
and covered in dull rust.

Yet she angrily screams,
her voice hoarse with rage,
cracking with the tears that spill down her cheeks.

Summoning confidence that I feared had left me,
I pull out the key.

Do I release her,
and renew the vast forests of my hear,
or suffer while others benefit from my misery?

Her lust for the key is palpable,
saliva dripping from her bleeding lips.

I go to turn,
her savage nature frightening my fragile conscious.

Instead of her normal snarl,
I hear a gentle whisper,
that caresses my shoulder.

**I'll Wait

You have forgotten this song
the power it holds on your heart
how it can crush you like a rock
maybe you shared it with an old lover
or its the song they played for your friends funeral

Suddenly you hear the start of the first verse
and it breaks your heart
the eternal sadness comes rushing back
and its almost too much to bear

Every verse, chorus, and lift leaves you breathless
Crescendos crash into you
Bridges breaks you
but nothing hurts as much as the ending
and the way it leaves you feeling lost

I lie on cold ground
with candles surrounding me
their fires burning my skin

tears have stained my cheeks
and blood runs red through my hair

I just want to hold you
and love you
but you reject my kiss and caress

you deny my love
and spit at my feet

and yet I lie here
with the candles surrounding
and I know

that if I get too close
I will burn

Be blissful
and serene

Take care of yourself
and others

Run and stop
enjoy every moment as it flies by

Enjoy the way hot tears spill down your cheeks
and love the way your chest hurts from silenced screams

Rage is just as beautiful
as your smile

Crinkling eyes
and big dimples

Wrinkles, stretch marks, and freckles
are your victories

Be Blissful
and Serene

They say you don't know what you have until it's gone
And yet I miss him dearly

I'm crazy in love but too afraid to show it

I want to wrap myself around you
until I'm pulled away
until you call me insane

Am I too much?
Am I enough?

I'm only happy with you
I'm only happy with you
I'm only happy with you
Even though you drive me insane
Even though you're such a pain
I'm only happy with you
I just want to be with you

You're just a silly girl
with a dazed look in her eye
and flowers in hair
twirling around the room
with laughter spilling from her teeth

You're just a silly girl
with the notion that he really loves you
and he will stay by your side
shouting from the room
with love dripping from your tongue

You're just a silly girl
with the idea that people are good
and everyone holds the best intentions
speaking throughout the room
with nonsense slipping from her throat

You're just a silly girl
with a sad droop of your head
and clenched fists at your side
sobbing in the room
with tears dripping from your lips

You're just a silly girl

Do you regret it?

For one of the rare moments in my life
I was genuinely
happy

I had been myself
and I was strong
I felt secure
and I felt loved

Everything was right
the clouds
the weather

I was
on top
of the
world

And then like
a tidal wave
it was over

The monsters of the sea
wrapped their dangerous
tentacles around my legs
and pulled me back into the dark depths

I was overwhelmed
and saddened
too tired to lift up my head

it was the same story
the same voices repeating over and over again
reprimanding
scolding

I guess I'll just keep going
looking forward to the next time
I'll be happy

Countless times have people asked,
Why are we here?

And still
the universe refuses to answer,

never acknowledging the simplistic question
being shouted from tiny voices.

People pray to know
what their purpose is or if there is a purpose.

Demanding an answer to the misfortune that happens.

But the universe stares coldly at the world,
never uttering a single sound.

And why should it?

Why should such a grandiose power
answer people who will die in the blink of an eye
to never change or influence the course of life
and yet people continue to shout
asking and demanding for an answer or a sign.

Nothing changes and the world continues to spin.

The universe continues creating without reason.

Spawning life from the palm of its hand.

I had a dream that everything was on fire
and all I did was run
and scream and panic

I wasn't safe

we weren't safe

and the sky was that funny shade of purple and red

but there wasn't smoke

the fire just consumed
demolished the land like a wave
the embers shot into the sky
and the flames enveloped everything

I woke up shaking
terrified for my life

I am not
I repeat
NOT
going to fight for you

You want her?
Go get her

I didn't take you back
just to be treated
the same
*******
way
AGAIN

I don't want to be second
I don't want to be taken for granted
I want you to put my love on top

You are everything to me
Why can't I be everything to you?

Light me on fire
so then i could feel passionate

you do not ignite me
like i wish you would

you are awkward and problematic
an endless stream of issues and broken promises

you aren't romantic
or ****

you don't sweep me off my feet
or take my breath away

you once made me believe that my breath couldn't be taken away
but now I know I can be

men have stolen my breath
paused my heartbeats
and silenced my words

and yet you leave me trying to strike up conversation

For some reason people don't understand humanity
they find it disgusting
greedy
corrupted
impure
but how dare they praise faults
instead of glorifying the good
the kindness
the warmth
the love
so much love surrounds humanity
and i feel it everyday

Words that weigh
cause migraines
and I can't remember the words you said to me
the ones that haunt me like
a killer with a knife
I remember the feelings though
the pain that sliced my young heart
I became really good at letting it go
just brushing it off my shoulder
shoving it down deep in my soul
but now as I keep saying what I feel
the suppressed feelings are coming to surface

Emptying the closet of insults
only reveals the darkest ones at the bottom
and your name is marked on all of them
and I can't help but get teary remembering them
holding myself as I close the door
a little girl shouldn't have to hear that
shouldn't have to worry about her hair
the way she dressed
the way she talked
the way she stuttered
why didn't you love me?
why did you pick on me?
you showed love and affection to everyone else
people refused to think we were related
because of how socially inept i was
couldn't you see that i was lost?
looking for you to grab onto me and hold me
to tell me how beautiful i looked
just being me?
but instead
you pulled my hair
and ripped my clothes
threw out my favorite overalls

Sometimes you would rub my back
and call me sweet sarah
you would make me feel loved
and how loved i felt
i wanted those moments to last forever
and in my mind they do
when i'm sad
it's those times i remember
but it doesn't wash out the darker ones

and how i thought
once dad got involved they would stop
but he only encouraged your malicious thinking
the slightest mistake
was my biggest regret
carless, heartless, *****, rude, disrespectful
those words mean nothing now
they are cliches that you say
but ring no meaning

at least
they used to

now everything is like a fresh new slice
opening myself up again
revealing my healed wounds
i thought i could do this
i thought i could show you what hurts more
what hurts more than seeing fat on my bones
or horrible makeup on my face
the words of children never mattered
it was the words of my mother

my mother who preferred my sister
my mother who thinks im useless
a good-for-nothing waste of space
unless i provide a service
i might as well leave
and i want to leave
don't think i'm here by choice

threaten me mother
say you'll hit me
tell me again how you will take everything away
show me your anger
because you are obviously untouchable
you can clearly control me
but one day you won't
and i won't care
but i really hope
that you do

Low guitar strings
strum and stir the night sky
stars illuminate
your eyes
strained to see mine
while i stare
stardust trailing the midnight sky

it's hard to love you again

but i'm starting to
standing next to you
holding your hand
stargazing
starstruck
in awe of the view in front of us
and while i stare
i can feel your eyes gaze at me
and your mouth
whispers
"wow"

I used to stand in church
and close my eyes

waiting for a god to wash me over
with peace and love

and all i felt was

the tingling in my fingertips

the uncomfortable way my eyes were closed

the soft hairs tickling my temples

the pain resounding in my joints

and i didn't feel god
all i felt was the awkwardness of me

standing in a church

Porcelain dolls
perfection in every pore
my imagined self is flawless
and I truly feel that way
around you
so perfect that I think I can be with the A-listers
deny a prince
and kiss a king

So high that you can't really tell
where your body is
and what the floor feels like
a type of drug that runs through my veins like oxygen
that I readily injected
but this drug kept me in a sane place
where I could focus and function
I could be with my friends
and I could live my life while letting you live yours
but as soon as I stopped
I felt reality crashing into me
and what I found left me breathless
my heart started beating
the shattered pieces trying to meld together
that continued to cut into my lungs
Denial was so ready at my fingertips
and I could slip away so easily
and pretend for another day
so I did
again and again
until my tolerance was growing
and soon
I was immune
only left to see
reality for what it was
and all I can think is
*****

Bounding leaps forward
the water looks so inviting and friendly
but as I reach the edge and worry
What if it's cold?
What if it's filled with bacteria and makes me sick?
What if I get wet for nothing?
So I stick my small toes in
and so far
it's pretty nice

A final sentence in your undeniably brief chapter
3 months is all it took
and I was fed up with you yesterday

While you snarled at me
I could see your tail tucked in between your legs
and I'm sorry that I shared no remorse for this

but
I am human and I hate to say it
but I couldn't care less

sitting behind you on the bed
naked and trying not to cry
tracing the muscles on your back
in hopes that you'll turn around
and look at me like I did when I was 20
but instead you get up and leave the room
your ratted boxers sitting tightly on your bulging skin
the tears flow freely then as i stare at my loose skin
and my calloused wrinkled hands
i'm not as beautiful as i once was
i'm not as patient or as kind
and i can't remember where i went wrong
where we went wrong
you can't stand looking at me
or being in the same room as me
my naked body doesn't send waves of excitement
it doesn't even make *** worth it
our kids don't know whether to
hope we'll make it work
or
wish we would leave each other and start fresh
you're the only one i ever let myself love
and if you left i'm not sure where i would go
but neither of us are happy
you're phone is full of other women
while mine
well
it's full of pictures of our kids being happy
and work needing me to hurry over
i was, and still am, always busy
and i never gave you the attention you wanted
i hated you for not loving me on my schedule
while i never thought of yours
and tonight was the night where i would try
to win you back
but it's too late
and you're out the door
watching sports on the computer
and i'm still naked in bed
crying while looking at the spot you once were
but i'm a grown woman now
so i pick myself up
and head over to the shower
hopefully
i will get some sleep for tomorrow
and tomorrow maybe
something will change

but nothing does