Can you love someone who can't see past you?

Past your defenses
your troubles
your stress
your tears
your smiles

Can you love someone who can't see inside of you?

The churning your stomach
the missed beats of your hearts
the heat between your legs
the cancerous tumors that life has put in you

Can you love someone who can't heal you?

There's a moment
where you wish
you could just press rewind

It was just five seconds ago that you said that
It was just a minute ago when you dropped that

and you can remember it in your hands
or the words trapped behind your teeth
and you would give anything to just try and fix it

just a moment ago you could have turned the wheel

just a second ago you could have just fallen the **** asleep and let it alone

but no

you took the plunge and there's no rewind
there's no going back
and the past is the past

You make me think of my children
will they be cared for
the way you cared for me?

Will they feel like their house is a home?
Will they yearn for attention like I did?
Will they grow up unable to process their own emotions like me?

Will they have a father who can see past his own wants?

Will you be there for them?

I've been crying for the past half hour
because I started reading about those who were declared dead
and how they felt peace
and nothing else

Maybe it will happen when I'm older
but I don't want peace
I want to continue to be in a constant state of love
with you
I want our craziness and joy and sadness
to continue on for eternity

I can't imagine a world without it

I'm afraid of many things
the dark
ghosts
tight spaces
and even inch worms

But I never feared falling
in love
down the stairs
into the basin of a crater
or down a huge mountain

I believe in reincarnation
that we have many lives after this one
and many lives before this

And if I were to have a life before this one
I believe that I used to be a bird

One that jumped off cliffs
spreading her wings
and taking flight

I feel the urge to do this quite often
To jump
and spread my wings
flying off into space
or to a new home

constantly flying

but never consistent

The river
hot and still
sits lazily at the banks

One foot in
and sinks into the mud

Ripples echo off of my ankle
and minerals solidify on my calf

Another step
and the water crawls up my thigh

The muddy waters reach my waist
and I sink
and I pray

The contents of the river are unknown
and I give all of myself to it

The sun burns my *******
my voice is raw
and my eyes are red

This is my worst form
and the river swallows me hole

I am weak
And when they ask me
What has made you this way?
I will only whisper your name

Your smiles
Laughs
Eyes
And arms
Have made me weak

I long to hold your hand within mine
And to caress your hair under my fingertips
To see your smile brilliantly flash in my direction
And to feel your breath intertwine with me
Our hearts beating in synchronization

You have made me weak

I used to stand strong
On my own
Indestructible

I left you
In an act of defiance against my own heart
To prove to my own self
That I would not be a fool again
I would heed the warnings
And listen

But
I am broken

The hand that would hold yours
Aches painfully

My fingertips bleed
With my carelessness

My smile has disappeared

My breath is stuck in my throat
Choking on words I want to say

My heart is shattered
By my own hand
That wields a dagger
Carved from my own bone

Every ounce of strength I possess
Is used to stay away from you

You have taken so much from me
My happiness
My strength
My appetite
My peace
My future
My soul

I walk around my own home like a ghost
Haunting the walls
A shell of the woman I used to be
Only occupied by a pathetic creature

One that only takes up space
One that only ignores what is painfully obvious
And one that can’t seem to let you go

What am I doing?
Why can’t I let you go?

My hair is falling out
My skin is losing its color
My smile is losing its brilliance
My laughter is forced

Why have you made me this way?

I need you
And you have made me too weak to get you