oh yeah
and also don't forget to tell her -
while you're lying in warm bed sheets
while you're driving to her family's home
while you've got her pressed up against your basement wall
while you're sitting on the edge of a dock staring at the sunset -
that she's your second
your second love
choice
and eventually
inevitably
your second **** up

I can't wait until you have to explain to someone who I am.

"the best thing that ever happened to me"
"my greatest loss"
"everything I ever wanted"
"my best friend, my partner"

and that you ****** up.

anything less than that, you'd be lying to your new lover
and that's not nice.

Can I just speak very candidly right now
Like I did ******* months ago
When we were as close as two peas in a pod
When we promised each other everything
Our futures
Our time
Our love
Each other
You
******
Up
I want to scream in your stupid ******* face
You ruined everything
I had it all planned out
I loved you
I don't just do that
I saw something that was in you worth loving because I know I'm worth loving and you just have to trust me that everything will be okay
You ******* *****
You've lost everything
I hate that you lose
But I lose too
Because I lost all that time and love and energy and you gave me ******* anxiety you *******
I hope you know you've never hurt anyone like you hurt me
You probably never will again
I hate you
I ******* love you

It's been...
Almost a month. To the day.

I've given it up. I can't do anything.

It feels like I lost him, like he's dead, gone, non-existent. And I can't bring him back because I don't have the power to do that. I'm not capable of resurrection.

There's only one who can do that. It's in His hands. If He wants to bring my love back from the dead and back to me, then He will.

Otherwise, I move on.
I go forward.

You don't know what real love feels like

The unconditional kind
The kind that heals and fills you

You got rid of the only person who tried to show you

I called what we had
"A poisonous relationship"

I apologize but it's true
You made me physically ill
I had to medicate myself
In order to put up with you
And your apathy
And your people pleasing
And your mother and her fake religion

You made me sick
Like poison
Maybe not cyanide arsenic or mercury
Because I'm not dead
I'm healing
I'm getting better
Despite drinking your poison for such a long time I'm still here
Detoxing

I'm not mad
I'm disappointed
That who you pretended to be for ten months doesn't actually exist
You led me to believe that you were it
You were everything I wanted
Seemingly perfect
And permanent

I'm disappointed that I met you
And then I had to lose you
Because it was only a matter of time
Before I found out you weren't real

I'm disappointed you convinced me that you were the love of my life
That I couldn't live without you
And then you left me
Destroyed me
You blew a hole in me

I'm disappointed that I met my person and then he died

I'm not mad
Just disappointed

I didn't know what love was
until I died for it

My spring peach

How am I supposed to grieve you

You're not dead

I've heard it said so many times
"You have to know yourself before you get into a serious relationship"

No one ever mentions that a relationship changes you
I'm not the person I thought I knew 9 months ago but that's okay

I'm better

They should say
"You'll meet yourself in a relationship"

I still don't know
Why a rose
The most beautiful of flowers
Has thorns

You smell like
Comfort
Warmth
Dorkiness
Familiarity
Friendship
Want
Home

I would never be able to unlove you
say anything bad about you
or regret our relationship
like someone would ask me to.

It's not his fault you're ****** up.
It's so easy to attribute your feelings to him because they started around the same time you guys did, but have you ever really thought about it? The fear, the panic, the confusion, it never had anything to do with who he is. Who he is has been perfect. You literally thought he was perfect. You've since learned it's not exactly true, but you've also learned that you're okay with how he messes up. That's GOOD. That's LOVE. All of your feelings, all of the void - it's you. It's just you. Don't blame him. He's done nothing, he's been nothing wrong. He's tried to be there for you, and you know he cares about you and loves you. What more can you ask for? He's doing his part. Why don't you try doing yours? Get better. Change the one thing that is wrong - you. Don't consider hurting him or what you have together because it's the only thing that keeps you going. It'll be there when you feel better again, and you will be so thankful you didn't sacrifice it for no reason. Don't try and fix your relationship, it's not broken. Fix yourself and let him hold your hand while you do it.

You are supposed to love me
Get your ******* act together
It's one thing I can't do for you

I have convinced myself of so many things
Starting from the beginning
That your rejection didn't hurt
That it hasn't been years
That its acceptable for me to feel this way still
That somehow this will end differently
That we can actually be friends first
That you didn't care for my sister
That it means something when you touch look at or talk to me
I can convince myself of anything when my heart is my sidekick
But I'll never convince you

these days everywhere you look
people have their noses in their phones
and while some believe its because this generation is so obsessed with technology--
I think that's shallow and ignorant.

we wouldn't feel the need to hide our faces behind our phones typing out paragraph messages if we were happy,
and close to the people we want to talk to, and
if we weren't having every experience by ourselves or around people we don't know past their home town and major.

we're all going places we feel we need to go
but we're going alone
and these little pieces of distancing technology
is the only thing that keeps up together.

I'm really tired of this
You were the one who wanted to be friends
You were the one who said it
not me
I was ready to let it go, like it never happened but you insisted
Now you're acting like I have some sort of disease you're going to catch from 350 kilometres away
Get a grip

Why weren't you just honest with me?
If I had known this is how it would go I would have just kept my mouth shut

It's the least you can do
just message me back when I know you've seen it
I'm not going to throw myself at you like you're the best ******* thing in the world
Acknowledging my existence isn't going to make me jump off a cliff for you
You're nothing
not any more

I just wish you would keep your promise
talk to me
be my friend like you said you would be
And if you can't even bear to do that at least have the decency to pretend

You must not know how it feels
you must not have felt it yet
I hope someone breaks your heart

There is not one
Not a single one
Not a single one reason
Not a single one reason why I should feel this way

But I do
And I'm starting to think
Either I'm crazy
Or I made the wrong decision
I should've started listening sooner

This screeching silence makes me think
Maybe I'm not so intoverted
As everyone including me thought

One second surrounded by people
Who know me
Who like me
Who comfort me
And the next saying yet another goodbye
And the next who the hell can even count-
alone

Sometimes solitude revives
And sometimes it kills

You never gave me anything of you to hold onto

Not a word
Or a smile
Not a look
Or a graze
Nothing

So why am I still hanging here

This is just a phase
I pray this is just a phase
Because if who you are,
No, who I loved
Is gone forever
I'll have to plan a funeral

It was another time
Where she was younger
She was smaller
She was crooked
And quaint
She was blond
She was cute
She was tanned
And smiley
She didn't know what her future looked like
Well it's funny how time passing changes everything
Cause I'm standing in the mirror staring at that far off future she didn't know and I'm wondering if she'd like it

You get more likes on your profile pics than I do

I feel like that just explains us

Did you know?
You're holding out for her
And while your determination is admirable
It's not unique
there's not enough of these girls to go around to all you boys
Only some will win the lottery
And others will have to give up
Get a real girl
Get a real life

I'm a real girl
I'm so real it hurts

When you fail I'll be around
But it might be too late

I had chest pains for you
chest aches
chest cracks
chest fractures for you
A highly flammable heart
it burned me from the inside out
and made me feel like a new person

I'm better now, my chest is fine and I know that I'll meet fire again one day at the bus stop when the timing is right
but for now my heart is cooled and settled
settled so far into myself
falling
not in love
but sinking deep into disappointment

You are not who you used to be
You are not who I swore I would love forever
and you no longer need a fire extinguisher to put me out

I've never ignored what is so important

My feelings for you

Cause when my whole body tightens when I even pass through your town

That has to mean something

Oh forget it

I just love you

You may as well not bother hiding it
Because I see, I know
You are aware of me like you weren't before
Truth tends to do that
It changes transforms
Reveals
And you can't help but look

I was choked,
rightly so,
You weren't there,
you don't know
how hard it is
after all that's passed,
to say those words
And have them last

I think I've seen you for the last time
It's over now
And I didn't even realize

I met you for the first time when I was really young. You were small and cute and kind
but
I didn't notice then. I only realized this just a little while ago.

We grew up beside each other, always close but never really.
I thought you considered me a friend
but
I was one of many. I didn't stick out among the rest.

Though your age and all the other things that separated us, I loved for the things that didn't. I tried to keep it to myself
but
I couldn't. Not for one more second.

I told you how I felt. I'd never taken a leap from that high up. You could have caught me
but
"Let's be friends."

I didn't have the guts to tell you that we never really had been.

But
I moved on. I did. You weren't around for awhile and I forgot the way your face looked when you teased me. I forgot your thoughtful expression when you concentrated on your music. I almost forgot about you
but I didn't.
but I won't.
but I can't.

I love you
I hate you

And there's no buts about it.

I will leave even though I don't want to
That'll show you

Too often I see people as opportunities
Not just humans but possibilities
But it's a crime to believe people exist solely for me
And that they are more than what God intended them to be

I wish you wrote poetry about me
But it's too much to ask of you to even think about me
No less pour yourself onto a page
And let strangers watch the spill

I can't say I've never thought of it
you
like that
because then I'd be lying
and I'd be the undeserving one

It's hard to exude the kind of confidence that makes people respect you.
I'm a grown woman, but I've yet to master it.
When I'm told no, when I'm told
"You can't do that," "Don't act like that," or "That's not okay," I can scream and argue in my head, but my body cowers.

My chin,
My shoulders,
My eyes,

They d
          r
          o
          p

And I'm no longer the woman I thought I was-
Strong and independent.

I'm a withered flower that may have once been blooming but is now reduced to nothing.

Do you realize how lucky you are?
You two have your problems
But you fit together
Like what one is lacking is made up by the other
Some force their love like mismatched puzzle pieces
But you are lucky
You fit

I find myself sitting amongst those who I love
And I realize
That I'm alone
I can't properly explain the feeling I get when this hits me
But I can liken it to starving
Starving for company
Starving for a match
Starving for you

I never told you
Thanked you
For being so kind that day
I was rattling on my bed waiting
Wound up like one of those toys ready to be set loose

I took a leap of faith with you and you could have crushed me
But you didn't
first loves aren't always last loves
That truth is hard to swallow
But you handed me a tall glass of water and said
Drink up
We'll be okay

One time
I felt as though we knew each other
In a way no one knew us
A few times
I thought of the way your voice speaks me and my heart jumps saying "maybe"
Several times
I fantasied about what it would be like if you were mine and I was yours
A dozen times
I laid in my bed confused about where I was supposed to go in order to meet someone as perfect as you
More times than I can count
I did not want another
Because with us, it would be as easy as breathing
And I don't know why you can't see that

I took a step I'd been waiting to take
for awhile now
hands, stop shaking
this is what I want

he watches Her because she is one of those people who demands attention
She is wild and bold and sarcastic
he sees, though he is blind to Her insensitivity

she stares at Another because He is one of those people who sits at the back beautifully
He is good and charming and kind to His mother
she sees, though she closes her eyes to His cowardliness

he longs after The Girl who is taken because She is one of those people dreamt of
She is polished and pure with a bright smile
he sees, though he is oblivious to Her vanity

You know what is unbelievable?
I would let you close enough to hurt me.
If you really knew me
you’d know that I’ve never done that
in all my years
How come you,
of all the people I know
and have felt close to
have that power?
I swore never to give it to anyone
You made me break a promise
made to myself
What’s going to come of it?
Nothing nothing
We’re all knowing looks and awkward jokes
we’re all pleasantries
we’re all friendly with everyone else
When it comes to each other
we get choked
Who are you
to trap my words, to close my mouth,
to grind my gears?
I’d let you closer if you’d let me
I’d let you hurt me
more than you already have even though
I know it burns and aches and stings
I’d let you