Seated
Waiting
For what?
Who shall know?
For it is a great mystery;
Unknown to any
Unless you can see through those eyes
The eyes of murky times

Can you hear it?
The laughter
The screams
The footsteps
The heartbeats
The repetition
The chaos?

I can...
I see a child
So small and fragile
Sitting alone
Tucked away in a corner
Out of reach of the light
Kept in such solitude
It's surprising she knows what she does
Yet
She is still so dumb
Empty
And needing of someone to show her the way

"When,"
Asks the child,
"Did I become so naive?"

Over and over
Internally
Bashing a skull
It hurts
But it doesn't bleed
Doesn't bruise

Words overflowing
Like the waves of an ocean
In the midst of a tempest
Skies swirling
Thunder echoing
Lightning crashing down
The gusts of wind
Wailing

Yet
None can see this

Why?
None of it exists
Besides in the confines of her mind

Time and time again
Memories race about
Filling every available space
Overwhelming
Alas
It's nothing more than the usual tussle
The same as the day before
And all the previous

"When,"
Asks the child,
"Will this end?"

Never, it seems

Freak, tool, ******,
Idiot, r----d, monster,
Dumby, demon, mental,
Twig, weakling, wanna-be,
Try-hard, kiss-a--, f-ck-up,
Lazy, scatterbrain, broken,
Wrong, ugly, shortie,
Hideous, fragile, cutter,
Liar, cold, empty,
Failure, loser, creep,
Fool, b-tch, little sh-t,
Nobody, depressed, anxious,
Nervous, suicidal, painfully shy,
Lonely, miserable, void,
*****, undesirable, timid,
Unfix-able, mistake, loveless,
Worthless, clumsy, underweight,
Tiny, strange, always tired,
Emotionally drained, blank,
Dead inside, third wheel, out of place,
Annoying, pointless, purposeless,
Hated, thing, useless...

It all repeats...
Over and over
Nonstop
Continuously for years...

Is there a cure to this madness?
Such is unknown.

Medication after medication
Still
No significant change
No stopping it

Maybe for a moment
But soon it disappears
Fading away
From whence it came
To return soon
Unexpectedly...

- Jay M
August 22nd, 2019

I don't believe in fairy tales
But I believe in things just out of reach
One hand out, off the rails
Listen to what they've got to teach

I don't believe in fairy tales
But I believe in dreams
And crazy adventure
As bizarre as it seems
Not a single lecture

I don't believe in fairy tales
But I believe in this connection
This magic between you and I
Wonderfully deep rooted affection
Come on now; it's ride or die

I don't believe in fairy tales
But I believe in what I know
Through the expanse of time and space
Neither you or I dared to let the other go
Two bound individuals in our own pace

I don't believe in fairy tales
But I believe in what could be
The future in all of its great mystery
Tell me everything that you see
In just what we could be

I don't believe in fairy tales
But I believe in the unbreakable bond
Between the two ever daring souls
It is you that which I am so fond
Together we shall reach our goals

I don't believe in fairy tales
But I believe in you and I

- Jay M
March 5th, 2021

Day number three
My mind won't let me be
Reminding me you're not at work
And you're not at home
My thoughts lurk
And it feels like you're as far away as Rome

Mom,
You're the bomb
Bringing life to a party
Woman of steel; you were so hardy

You're an angel of concrete
Took every word backed with heat
And let it bounce right off
No sly comments hidden under a cough
Could escape your ear
You would say, "Come here,"
"and tell me what you said."
Then later tuck us into bed
With a pat on our head

Mom
Do what you need to do
You're gonna make it through
When you come home
I'll see you.

- Jay M
January 29th, 2020

Finally, no longer does she wear sweaters in summer.

- Jay M
October 13th, 2022

Flores se llore, tambien los nubes y colores,
Y nuevos se brinca, ariba por el cielo.

- Jay M
October 13th, 2022

The most clever of disguises.

- Jay M
October 13th, 2022

Times of
Tension and anger
Voices raised, and
Fingers pointed, words thrown
Then so stubborn, all well known
Eventually, come to regret

Gripped tightly,
Battling the cold
The icy chill that surrounds
Fighting through confusion
How could any of this be real?

Years ago, times filled with laughter
Playing dominoes on the kitchen table
Watching cartoons in the living room
Telling stories after lunch of days gone
Only to look back, how bittersweet
Holding every memory as you go

Those good, and those bad
Our last real conversation
A battle of heated words
All true, but even so
I cannot let go
Of a guilty end

So, in your final hours
I call across the space
Across the miles between
To say my final words to you
To apologize, to make amends,
To bring up happy memories
The little things really count
Becoming all that's truly
Truly left at all here
In this ever cold,
Empty place
Grandma
Nora

- Jay M
January 17th, 2022

Concealed behind walls of white; hidden from the world, from possibility; trapped within; looking out at the world so wonderful, so full of color and light, whilst I remain hidden behind these walls. Looking out through windows; out at the world I crave to rejoin, recovering from my falls; internal and external; in my head seated under willows, the emotions and events link as I am pacing those plain halls, jotting my thoughts in a journal, then shredding them to bits,  taking part in wordless turns; giving those who love me quite a fright.

Apologizing for my mistakes; so much repetition, replaying that tainted day; over and over, imprinted in my brain; there it shall stay, forevermore, like a red stain on a white cloth, eaten away by a silent silkworm.

Crying rivers of salt whilst standing in the rain; crashing down around me, splashing at my feet; soothing my shivers, the drumming of each cascading drop so entrancing; running down the storm drain; it leaves me be, a moment of freedom, but only such; to arise once more to be my internal torment; my reflection in the window.

Whilst behind these walls so confining, though there are others around me; I am alone. None can see through the eyes of another, and no matter how many stories of mine I tell they shall never be enough to explain why I am behind these walls; why I am so small, and so afraid; nor why I cannot wait for the day to be on the other side of the window.

As I stand before this view, I realize; this scene here, is quite like Alice; standing before the looking glass, so full of wonder and curiosity of what could come from being on the other side; freedom, surely; but then, once within that freedom; what shall become of you then? Still, the memories would be haunting; still, the past would not let you go; still, all who know you would blame you; still, all would certainly never forgive you; still, you can feel the pressure hiding just on the other side of the looking glass; waiting for you.

Also, on the side of freedom, come the questions; come the side-ways glances; come the distrust; come the watchful eyes; come the empty words; come the promises from those who barely knew and say they shall be there but all is the same; come the cries at night when the ache is so great you cannot keep it in any longer; come the conversations with hesitation; come the jokes with the carefully placed filters; come the songs they quickly switch; come the topics once barely uttered and now often discussed; come the stress soon to try to swallow you whole again; come the temptations that you cast aside; come the guilt and misery; comes the new and all-powerful chaos, waiting to devour you whole.

How could I ever forget the thing I most regret? Nightmare made reality; never entirely given a sense of safety or security; gripping in the dark, searching; leaving a scar upon my weary mind; to remind me of what it is I simply must discover; peace of mind; through the pale lit window.

Through the pale lit window is the potential for chaos, but also the potential for a better future. New outlooks on what could be; projects never before thought of or completed; inspirations for poems and art at every turn; knowledge of my strengths and weaknesses; energy and motivation to walk hikes for miles; songs to be written and sung; stories written, completed, and shared; words spoken that are so few, yet strong and powerful; a life ahead never before dreamt of.

- Jay M
January 21st, 2020

Here we go
Dancing and spinning
Skip it, don't drip it
Pour pour away
Can’t stay, sorry
Gotta bounce
Might flounce
Just scamper
Right on away
Catch you next time

- Jay M
August 30th, 2022

Wandering across
The unsure grounds
Dark as I roam the expanse
Only to float without care
Without fear or certainty
Only to fall, wind whistling
Past deafened ears, searching
For words to sing a broken melody
Sinking into an unknown depths
Dimmer and dimmer still it goes
As I fall into the perpetual abyss
Spiraling farther and farther
Down the rabbit hole

Wings of muted grey
Once carried me higher
Now the wind seems to say,
They carry me no more
As I wander door to door
Within the maze of corridors
In the labyrinth that is my mind
Fade deep, fade to onyx black
Protect my soul, fractured heart
What fragments may remain
Scattered across the ground
Found in hallowed crater
After the fall of last
Ashes to ashes and
Dust to mere dust
Perhaps again be
Something more
A queer thought
To then explore
For in this time
And evermore

- Jay M
February 1st, 2022

When shall we come
To realize that we
Are the masters
Of our own lives?

When will we come to see
All that truly lies before us
The potential at every whim
To learn and to greatly grow
To step forth, to boldly know
Where our greatest curiosities
May turn to lead us?

Grasp the eager thread
Follow it as it winds
As it bends and turns
Follow it all the way down
Down the rabbit hole.

- Jay M
March 14th, 2022

Floating in silence
Messages whizzing past
Images and words
Flash before unseeing eyes
Hands extend into the vastness
Never to be grasped

Cool grey
Uncertain of
Where the exit has gone
Vanished perhaps
Along with all other color
No longer anything vibrant
Viewing in muted tones
And a base of grey

Slowly falling
Without fear
Of hitting a ground
That will never come
Forever a loop
Of falling
Never knowing the ledge

Heavy heart
Unsure which part
Or even the whole

Care has fled
Leaving nothing
To burst or share
But a drifting soul
In a long forgotten hole

Knowing what is missing
But no will to chase
Nowhere to go
Remaining still

- Jay M
September 30th, 2020

My little
Happy reason
Nothing pitiful
In this season
Running in the meadow
Just going with the flow

Little butterfly
Flying by
My closed window
Then a little show
Starts to play
In my head

One made up
Only playing for me
Some parts reality
Other parts dreams and what's up
Then it's what's down
Then it's what's right
Then it's all that's left

But hey
I've got reasons to stay
In the fields of grass and earth
Or seated by the hearth
Soaking up the warmth
From the sun or fire
Wishing it were from a person
One in particular
But that's alright
I can dream
I can dance in a moonbeam
Under the starlight
Where my soul shines bright

Sing to your heart to find you
It calls to
One such as yourself
So search for it
Not just for a bit
Search for your happy reason.

- Jay M
March 16th, 2020